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To most, Denki was like the sun. He had a loud and boisterous personality. His jokes and laughter were constant, and he always had a stupidly bright smile on his face. He was just hard to ignore, like an annoying stream of sunlight slipping through your blinds.
Denki would also consider himself a sun, but for a different reason altogether. His veins always felt fiercely hot, like his shame was trying to consume him from the inside out. Denki wasn't oblivious. He knew he was stupid and incapable— his friends wouldn't let him forget it. Every comment they fired at him made him burn hotter, and hotter, and hotter. Denki was just a giant star waiting to burn out into nothing. His classmates didn't see that though. No one could stare at the sun without being blinded by its light, afterall.
“Hey, Yaomomo, I heard you were hosting a study session! Can I join?” Denki asked with that stupid smile of his. He hated the way it felt on his face. Fake and heavy. When could he be real?
Never, his brain hissed. Denki could never show them how his lungs burned and his veins criss-crossed and his skin tried to turn inside out. He had nothing going for him. He had a bad quirk, he wasn't smart, he wasn't even brave. The only thing Denki had was his jokes and smiles. If he let that go, no matter how fake it all was, then he would be nothing, and no one will love him anymore. At least that’s what he told himself when his innocent question received backlash from the classmates who heard him.
“You want to study?”
Smile.
“Yeah, right. You probably just want an excuse to stay and flirt with the girls.”
Smile.
“Sorry, Kaminari, but we want to actually study, not joke around.”
Smile, goddamnit.
“You’ll distract us if you go!”
Don’t be stupid. Smile. They won't love you if you stop.
Yaomomo opened her mouth to respond, but he quickly interrupted her with a laugh. “Sorry, Yaomomo. I changed my mind. I’ll probably get distracted if I’m in a group, anyway. I’ll study by myself,” He said. Denki flashed her an easy-going smile. She frowned slightly, before her attention was grabbed by someone else and she moved on.
“Good luck studying,” Sero said with finger quotes. “When you get bored, text me and we’ll play video games.” Denki faked a laugh. He hated how easily it escaped his burning lungs. The fire was catching, and he needed to get out of there.
“Yeah, yeah. You know me too well,” Denki jokes. “Catch you later.”
The second he was in the elevator, he let his smile drop. A familiar pressure built up in his chest, but he had long ago cried all of his tears. “Stupid,” he murmured to himself. “Always stupid.” The elevator chimed and the door slid open again. Denki was smiling easily when he walked out, as if nothing had happened. He almost ran right into Ojirou, who seemed to be about to head down stairs.
“Oh, Kaminari! Are you heading to your room?” Ojirou asked. He’s only making small talk because he pities you, or because he wants a cheap laugh, his brain supplied. Denki swallowed. He wished he could burn his bitterness and anxiety in the inferno, just as easily as he could burn his confidence with one thought.
“Yep!” Denki said.
“Oh, did no one tell you? Yaomomo’s hosting a study group! You should join,” Ojirou smiled. You’re stupid and you need the help, Denki’s brain translated.
“Nah, I’ll study on my own, but thank you,” Denki said. Ojirou’s cheery expression faltered. Did Denki say something wrong? Maybe it’s because he hadn't made a joke yet. But he’s so exhausted, and the words aren't coming as easily right now. His stomach churned. There goes his only redeeming trait.
“Ah, okay. Come on down if you change your mind,” Ojirou threw over his shoulder. He pressed the down arrow on the elevator, and his tail flicked uncomfortably as he waited. Nice going, Denki. Denki fired out a cheery bye! and went to his room.
The second he was inside, he emptied his book bag on his bed. Despite what his friends had all thought, Denki was not lying about studying. His grades were disastrous. His mom wouldn't let him forget it.
“Seriously, Denki? How’d you get a 43 on your maths test? It’s just Algebra, not rocket science! It should be easy! Why was I cursed with such a stupid son?" Her voice echoed in his head. Denki could vividly picture the way she would throw her head back and stare at the ceiling in exasperation, as if she was asking the stars what she had done wrong in life to get Denki. It never failed to make him feel guilty. She would stand there, waiting for Zeus to smite her down, before turning to her phone screen and saying the same thing every time:
“Do you hate me? Why would you embarrass me like this, was I a bad mother? If you loved me, you would stop being so stupid. It hurts me.” And then she would hang up. This time, though, Denki would make her proud. He had to. He hated hurting her with how stupid he was. Unlike Denki’s classmates, she wouldn't forgive him with a joke and a smile. He had to make her proud.
Denki pulled up his phone and started searching for YouTube tutorials. Studying with his classmates would have been better, but none of them wanted him around, so some random YouTuber would have to suffice. One hour into studying, Denki had restarted the same video countless times without getting to the end. He was trying. He really was. But every time he even started to get somewhere, his mind would wander and he’d suddenly realize he missed an entire problem. Denki would reach down and shock his thigh when it happened to condition himself, but it wasn't working. His skin was starting to burn, and a fern-shaped marking was slowly yet surely forming. Denki was just glad his uniform would cover it. Just as he went to click the rewind button again, a message popped up. Denki clicked on it.
Yaomomo: Hey, Kaminari! I’m sorry if this is overstepping, but I remember you mentioning that it’s hard for you to focus sometimes. I found this, and I think it might help you. If you need help, feel free to come to me :)
Yaomomo had attached a link, and Denki clicked it. And, okay, woah. Maybe Denki hadn't cried all his tears after all. Yaomomo had sent a YouTube video titled "Tips and Tricks for Studying With ADHD." Not only did it include useful stuff, but the creator talked at a super fast pace that made it easier for Denki to pay attention to. Yaomomo also followed the text with quick bullet points that she thought would be the most helpful. Denki typed a reply so fast that he missed half the letters.
Denki: oj my hod yaonomo tganj you i fukcing love you!!!
Miraculously, Yaomomo seemed to have been able to read it.
Yaomomo: Aw! You’re welcome, I’m happy to help!
Typing bubbles appeared. Denki watched as they flickered in and out for a moment, before she finally sent another text.
Yaomomo: I’m going to mute my phone now so I can focus, but don’t hesitate to come get me if you need it. I don’t think you will, though. I know you're smart. All you have to do is find methods that work for you, and you will pass the test, without a doubt. Can’t wait to see you Ace the test!
Denki outright sobbed when he read that. He had to set his phone down before his quirk ruined it. "I know you’re smart, I know you’re smart." The words echoed in his head over and over again. Denki hadn't heard that since elementary school, before grades really mattered. Right. He could do this. Someone believed in him, even if he didn't believe in himself quite yet. With that, a whole new level of determination overwhelmed him. He would follow Yaomomo’s advice, and try every single study method until one worked.
—
Denki fought off vomit as he watched Aizawa. His teacher was walking between the rows of desks at a casual pace, as if Denki’s whole self-confidence wasn't on the line. Aizawa placed every test face-down. Denki could catch him either mouthing or whispering to some of the students because of how closely he was watching. There were a lot of 'Nice Trys' and 'Not your bests'. When Aizawa mouthed 'You’ll do better next time' to Midoriya, Denki decided that he was doomed.
When they had taken the test, Denki felt so sure of himself. One of the methods in the video Yaomomo had sent sticked. Denki had repeated it over and over and over again until he could see numbers when he closed his eyes. And, for the first time in forever, Denki had handed the test in with confidence. Now, he wasn't so sure.
He had already felt sick to his stomach the second he walked through the door and saw Aizawa with a stack of papers. It grew ten times worse every time Denki saw a disappointed student. If his smart classmates were doing bad, then there was no way Denki had done as good as he initially thought. He was the dumbest kid in class A. He was going to fail.
Aizawa placed a paper on Ojirou’s desk. "Good job," he murmured. Ojirou flipped his paper over and smiled. Lucky. Aizawa slipped a paper on Denki’s desk, and he almost died right there. His teacher didn't move right away. He lingered. He didn't do that with anybody else. Has Denki failed that badly? And then:
“I’m impressed, Kaminari. Keep it up.”
Denki swore his heart stopped. He couldn't bring himself to flip his test over, even after Aizawa had passed him. There was no way. Maybe Aizawa meant that in a ‘you got one question right, I'm surprised it wasn't zero’ kind of way, right? There’s no way Denki did good. Especially when Midoriya of all people failed.
“Aw, man! I got a 68. I was literally two points away from passing!” Kirishima complained from behind him. “How did you do, Kamibro?”
“Uh… I don’t know, I haven't looked yet.” He admitted.
“What, scared you’ll get a zero?” Mina teased. She leaned backward in her chair slightly and nearly fell, but she didn't even flinch. “I got a 52, but as long as you did worse than me, I’m fine.” Denki winced. She already seemed pretty confident that she had done better than him. She was probably right.
Their conversation must have garnered more attention than Denki thought, because suddenly Bakugou was stomping over. “Damn idiot. Just flip it over, it’s not going to bite you. You’re going to make yourself anxious if you just fucking sit there staring at it,” Bakugou growled out. Before Denki could snatch the paper, or accuse Bakugou of secretly caring, Bakugou had the test in his hands. He tilted the paper and squinted to read it, and then his eyes blew wide in disbelief.
“HUH?” Bakugou shouted. Denki winced.
“What, did I actually do that bad?” Denki asked. Someone laughed. Jirou muttered something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like 'idiot.' Denki sank deeper in his chair.
“Look at it,” Bakugou said. He pushed the paper into Denki’s line of sight, but he quickly shut his eyes before he could process the giant red numbers. Mina gasped from beside him.
“I don’t want to see how stup—”
“FUCKING LOOK AT IT!” Bakugou interrupted. Denki sighed. As much as he wanted to pretend the test didn't exist, he would have to check his grade eventually. He forced his eyes open.
“Oh.” He murmured in numb shock. Staring back at him, in giant red ink, was a 93. Kirishima leaned over his shoulder to see.
“You got an A!” He shouted. Denki ignored his friends, whipping around to flash Yaomomo a bright smile. She was already looking at him, with a proud yet unsurprised expression. Before Denki could thank her, Hagakure spoke up.
“What? You for sure cheated!” She practically shouted. Denki froze. All the pride and excitement inside of him shriveled and died in an instant. Maybe because of habit or maybe because he truly was stupid, Denki’s first instinct was to smile. He would have cried otherwise. Or burst into flame like a dying star. Smiling was always easier. Well… maybe it wasn't, for once, because everyone decided that Denki’s smile was admission to a crime he didn't commit.
“Look at that smile, you just turned yourself in,” Jirou snorted. “Idiot.”
“Ohhh that makes more sense,” Mina giggled.
“How did Aizawa not catch you?” Kirishima laughed. “I need your method.”
A few more comments were thrown around, but the overall meaning echoed in Denki’s head. Stupid, stupid, stupid. That’s what he got? Denki studied for hours straight. He watched countless videos, tried countless methods, and shocked himself so much that he probably had permanent scarring on his thighs now. Only for it to all be reduced to cheating? Even when he tried his hardest, even when he finally got an A— on a test so many people failed, no less— Denki was still just the stupid class-clown. Always stupid.
“Hey, no, he—” Yaomomo started, but whatever she was going to say was cut off by the scrape of Denki’s chair as he stood up.
“SERIOUSLY?” He exploded. He had never seen the classroom fall silent so fast before. Every head whipped around to face him. Sero let out an awkward laugh and looked like he was about to say something, but Denki had been holding everything back for so long and goddammit there was no way he would let anyone interrupt him now. “I’m tired of this! Cheating? Really? Is it really so hard for you guys to think that I could actually fucking do something right for once? I know I’m the biggest fucking dumbass to ever walk the earth, but can you not just let me win once?” Denki’s skin sparked dangerously. His friends looked scared. Denki felt guilty for the feeling of satisfaction that twisted in his gut, but he was too angry to stop now. His entire body was an inferno and there was nothing anyone could do to stop him from burning. They missed their chance long ago.
“Yeah, that’s right, I fucking know what all of you think of me,” He continued. Vicious words spilled from his lips like poison. “It doesn’t matter when I stay up all fucking night, it doesn’t matter if I ask for help, it doesn't matter if I use my quirk on myself just so I can fucking breath,” Someone gasped, and someone else sobbed, but Denki only got louder. Blood roared through his veins and his head screamed and his heart drummed but he spoke above it all. “I can probably work myself to death and you’d all stand at my casket talking about how fucking stupid I was, but hey, at least I can make you laugh by being the butt of all your jokes, right? Because that’s all I am. I hear every word you say about me. Denki, you’re so stupid. Denki, is there even a brain in there? Denki, you actually want to study? But you don’t care, right? Do you know who actually doesn't fucking care? You guys! It doesn't matter how many times I cry myself to sleep, it doesn't matter how much I shock myself, it doesn’t matter how much I talk about how I want to get better, you’ll still always see me as the dumb fucking idiot that’s only good for a cheap joke. Well, I’m done. Find someone else to play court jester.”
Denki didn't even wait for them to talk, or look at their expressions. He didn't think he would be able to hear or see through his tears anyway. He left the classroom and slammed the door behind him.
—
God. Denki wanted to crawl in a hole and die. His classmates probably all thought he was a giant fucking baby now. He just shouted at them all like they had committed some horrible crime, when the only thing they did was tell him the same things he had heard his entire life. If his mom was here, he’d know exactly what she’d do. She’d click her tongue and shake her head and say "See, Denki? What have I been telling you? You’re not smart enough for this. You should have just listened to your mom, baby. I told you that you were too stupid for this. Now look at what you did."
Maybe Denki should drop out of U.A. There were probably plenty of other schools that could handle his defective brain. He pulled out his phone and called a familiar contact.
“Hey, Denki!” His mom’s voice said. “Why are you calling? You didn’t fail another test, did you?”
“No,” Denki sniffled. “I got an A.”
“Oh, sweetheart. You don’t have to lie to me, baby,” She said in a sugary sweet voice. Denki didn't even have the energy to argue. He slid against the wall until he was sitting on the floor. He didn't even know which hallway he had ended up in.
“Remember when you told me I wasn't smart enough for UA? You were right," he murmured.
“Oh, what did I tell you? Of course I was right, sweetheart. It hurts me when you think you're good enough for things like this. You could have saved yourself so much pain if you believed me earlier,” his mother cooed. “I already have a list of schools that I think would be a better fit for you.”
Footsteps echoed through the hallway, followed by familiar voices. They stopped right in front of him. Denki didn't even look up. “I know, you’re always right. Text me the list. I have to go now.”
“Okay. Love you, bye.” His mother hung up before he could say love you back. Denki sighed and let his phone slide to the floor. He wiped his tears away as best as he could before he looked up. Mina, Sero, Kirishima, Bakugou, and Jirou were all there. They all looked guilty and concerned, and at a loss for words. Denki didn't think he had ever seen them so quiet before.
“...what list?” Jirou started uncomfortably, twiddling her ear jacks. Mina immediately elbowed her in the side, and Jirou winced.
“My mom told me from the beginning that I wasn't smart enough for UA,” Denki admitted, cringing at how raspy his voice was from yelling. That’s so embarrassing. “...so she made a list a long time ago for if she ever convinced me to transfer. I should have trusted her from the beginning. She was right. You guys were right.”
“You’re transferring?” Kirishima squeaked. His hands were shaking. Denki frowned. Why did he care? He would be better off without Denki to hold him back.
“I have to talk to the teachers and Nedzu, but yeah. I’m not cut out to be a hero if I can’t even use my brain,” he said. Mina let out a loud sob. Denki’s first instinct was to smile at her, but it only made her cry harder, so he dropped the smile.
“Kami,” Jirou said shakily. Denki was shocked to see that she was crying, too. Denki had seen Mina cry before, but never Jirou. Did they actually care? “I never meant to hurt you. None of us did. Yaomomo told us about how hard you worked, and… actually, we shouldn't have accused you of cheating even before she said that, but…” Jirou trailed off and groaned frustratedly as she tried to find the words. She was never the best at expressing herself. “...you’re not stupid,” she finally decided. Denki almost laughed, but quickly caught himself when he realized she was serious.
“You don’t have to lie to me to make me feel better,” Denki said.
“Don’t say that, man,” Sero protested. “It’s true. We… I never thought much about my words. You always smiled and laughed, so I thought you were okay with us joking like that. I should have realized hearing things like that all the time would get to your head… I should have been paying attention… Hell, I should have asked before making those kinds of jokes in the first place.”
“What he said,” Mina sniffled. “I love you, Denki, and I promise I never thought you were actually dumb. You’re one of my best friends. I would never want to hurt you.”
“Kaminari,” Bakugou said gruffly. He didn't look guilty, but the use of Denki’s actual name said otherwise. Denki didn't even know that Bakugou knew his name until now. He had always been dunce-face. “...you read really old classical literature,” he said. Denki blinked. How did Bakugou know that? “Even though you usually leave strategizing up to your teammates when you're in a group, you come up with really good strategies when you're alone. Even though you have a rough quirk drawback, you always work around it. You’re always the first to notice when someone else is upset, and you always know exactly what’s wrong. You may not pay attention in History class, but you know the wildest facts that even I’ve never heard. You have a crazy vocabulary.” Bakugou paused, as if the next thing he was going to say physically hurt him to admit. “...I have to look up some of the words you say sometimes because I have no idea what the fuck they mean. You’re smart, Kaminari. You should know that I don’t hang out with dumb incompetent extras. I’m too good for that.”
And, okay, if Denki wasn't crying before, he definitely was crying now. Bakugou looked like he didn't know what to do, before he settled on letting out an embarrassed tch and glaring at some place in the distance. But that’s okay. The other four did the touchy-feely part for him. Jirou, Sero, Mina, and Kirishima all launched themselves at Denki and engulfed him in a bone-crushing hug.
“Please don’t transfer,” Mina whispered. Denki hugged back tighter.
“I won’t.”
Denki had never felt more loved then he did at that moment, kneeling in the middle of the hallway and sobbing into the arms of his friends. He really loved them, and now he knew that they loved him, too, and not just his jokes.