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i.
the first time they meet, it’s the quickest.
they only interact once, after wonho spends eleven years training to be a knight. he’s been working for this since he was eight years old, but he still feels nervous when he’s called into the palace for the first, and perhaps last, time in his life. he tries to shake off his nervousness when he lines up in front of the royal family, but to no avail.
wonho zones out and only half-listens to the king’s speech. he blankly puts out his hand and nods politely at the king, then the queen, then the princess as they file past him, quickly grasping his hand.
he comes to attention when he feels a bony hand slip its way into his.
wonho looks up, and meets eyes with the prince. the prince looks calm, unaffected by the possible threat of war and invasion. wonho envies him.
“good luck.”
“thank you, prince chae”
and he moves onto the next warrior. wonho’s armor feels the slightest bit lighter on his shoulders.
ii.
it’s hundreds of years before they meet each other again.
this time, wonho is eight and hyungwon is seven and they walk into the classroom and sit by each other on the wooden benches. the teacher doesn’t seem to notice when hyungwon whispers a soft “do i know you?”
wonho looks at hyungwon and something registers in the back of his mind but he doesn’t quite know what it is.
so he shrugs and puts on his best smile and puts his hand on hyungwon’s arm.
“i don’t think so, but we can be friends anyway!”
it seems to be enough for hyungwon, who smiles right back. the teacher hits her ruler hard on her desk, and barks at them to stop talking. wonho has to cover his mouth to stop from giggling.
in this life, for what they have of it, wonho and hyungwon are inseparable. they walk down the cobblestone roads together, worn-out shoes doing little for their feet. they don’t mind, not when they’re with each other.
but, times don’t follow quite quick enough, and medicine is far from what it should be. their time ends when they’re twelve years old, with hyungwon coughing so hard he can’t breathe, and wonho begging to be let inside. they don’t let him in for fear of the illness spreading, and wonho finishes his school year with an empty seat beside him.
iii.
there’s a life, wonho’s favorite life, where everything is okay.
they meet in college, hyungwon slips into the room ten minutes after the lecture starts every day. wonho always smiles and leans over, whispering the information hyungwon missed.
they both graduate, one year apart. hyungwon’s almost late to wonho’s graduation, but when wonho looks out from the stage, he sees a red cheeked and panting hyungwon clapping for him. he smiles.
in this life, they get married. it’s small and simple and wonho cries through ninety percent of it. they hold hands and make their way home afterwards, and end up falling asleep on the couch, bodies tangled together.
in this life, they travel and eat well, they do nothing and everything together. they’re best friends again.
in this life, wonho wakes up on his fortieth birthday to two giggling kids and a still half asleep hyungwon draping their bodies over his own, shouts of happy birthday ring through the air.
in this life, wonho dies first, with hyungwon by his side. there are tears on both of their faces.
“i’ll find you again.”
iv.
there’s a life where they don’t meet.
wonho has a pull deep in his gut, something that’s constantly there. he feels like there’s something he’s missing, something he needs to find.
in this life, wonho thinks too much. he watches the people around him, and wonders.
what if he was that person in the yellow coat across the street? that parent holding a child at the park? that tired college student emerging from the library last night? the possibility of missing out, of missing hyungwon terrifies wonho.
and through his life, he makes eye contact with every single person he meets, but he never feels that familiar rumbling in his chest with anybody.
even as wonho spends his last moments in this life, he’s wondering if he missed it. he’s scared that this is the last one, that they’ll never find each other again. he desperately grasps that small sliver of hope left in his heart.
“maybe next time.”
v.
the next time, they don’t speak to each other.
it’s what wonho’s been doing since he was young, running around with this group of older boys, trying to get the thrill out of life they so desperately want. other people call them a gang. wonho doesn’t like that, but he doesn’t know a better word for it.
and honestly, wonho doesn’t know what he’s got himself into, not when he’s got a gun pressed to the forehead of someone who didn’t do anything. wonho knows his hand is shaking but he hears the calls and taunts of the other guys, so he knows he has to do it.
the boy knelt in front of him looks up with tearful eyes and trembling lips, and their gazes meet. wonho only gets hit by the sting of recognition after his finger presses down on the trigger.
there’s a bang, then there’s blood, and wonho is thrown backwards. he scrambles after the retreating figures of his group. his feet hit the concrete, his heart pounds in his chest. he’s already crying when they turn the corner and race down the road.
vi.
the time where it’s the worst, they’re singers. it’s a miracle that in this life, they get to spend so much time together, so long with each other.
but there are cameras tracking them and people to please and now that wonho can love hyungwon, he’s not allowed to . wonho feels the pressure in his chest when their legs are pressed against each others during interviews, when their sweaty hands brush after practice. he feels it when hyungwon smiles at him during dinner, a quick, fleeting glance.
the pressure unravels itself and sinks his heart, when hyungwon stays silent. the i love you hangs in the air and wonho desperately wishes he could breathe it back in and lock it up.
hyungwon’s grip on wonho’s hand gets looser and looser as he starts to pull away, until they’re no longer touching and hyungwon is shutting the door behind him.
this life, wonho thinks, as he tries to regain his breath, this life hurts the most.
this life hurts the most, because it’s the only life where hyungwon doesn’t love him back.