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Welcome! So you want to throw a party! Throwing a party can be intimidating, especially for the more recently-befanged. Fortunately, I have centuries of experience arranging gatherings for the Tri-State Vampiric Council and recently-unearthed memories of desecrating even the most depraved of bacchanals, and I’m happy to share all I have learned about making guests feel welcome in your crypt.
First, decide what type of party you will be having. Not every party can be the Centurial Bacchanal, but the standards for even a casual gathering are different from those for a fornication-first occasion like the Biannual Orgy. Please note that a “type” is not the same as a “theme”. Theme parties are on the outs at the moment. Give it another century or two.
The guest list is of foremost importance. Just as you dress to impress, you must guest to impress. Which means inviting impressive vampires who you would like to be associated with. Of course, if your guests are far too impressive, they might not show up. So it’s a balance.
Send out the invitations plenty of time in advance, and follow up with your guests to ensure they received their invitation! Make sure to set reminders so your guests won’t forget, like sending follow-up invitations, writing the party on their calendars, and reminding them the night of the party so they can’t say they forgot.
Pre-party preparation gives the familiars something to do before the party starts and keeps them from wallowing about the snacks they’ve locked in the storage room. Ensure all familiars are labeled as such. Otherwise they will probably be eaten.
Modern electric lights may be convenient, but candles still cannot be beat with regards to flattering illumination. While keeping in mind candles’ potential to send your fourteenth-century tapestry up in flames, ensure you light enough to see by. It would be extremely embarrassing to mistake the strand of molars your guest so carefully pulled from the jaws of their ex-lover for a strand of baroque pearls. Alternatively, you don’t want to assume the baroque pearls gifted to them by the Isabella of Parma are a string of teeth. Irritating your guests is rarely a good idea!
To ensure you have enough aperitifs and hor d'oeuvres, send your familiar to start searching for virgins at least two weeks in advance. It is extremely unlikely that you will be able to acquire and store enough virgins to feed more than a small gathering, but a full spread of virgins is rarely expected. Gladiola the Truly Terrible served a party of five hundred vampires entirely on drunk virgins at her winter solstice party in 1266, a feat that hasn’t been replicated since.
(“Virgins are so much harder to find nowadays” is a phrase so often repeated through the centuries that it has become a joke in and of itself, but virgins really are more difficult to find nowadays. It seems that this boon to our carnal appetites isn’t as beneficial to our palates.)
BYOB parties– Bring Your Own Bloodbag– have become popular amongst hip younger vampires (sired nineteenth century or later). The name is indicative– everyone shows up with a human to share, and everybody passes them around to take a sip.
If you do decide to provide alcoholic refreshments to your guests, have a familiar give the stored humans a bottle of liquor. Most humans will drink willingly out of the despair at their impending death, but have a funnel ready if any have objections.
It is customary for guests to bring a small sachet of their native soil with them to the party. This ensures that if they are caught unawares by the sunrise, they will be able to enjoy at least a light torpor until the next nightfall. For grand galas, guests will have their familiars bring sufficient soil and a change of clothes for however many nights the party is expected to last. These spare familiars can be stored in the closets that have not been designated for discreet trysts.
When preparing yourself, make sure to pick an outfit that doesn’t outshine your guests. Ethereal, gauzy, leaves little to the imagination is a classic choice. It is important to leave all your favored holes easily accessible.
Even if you didn’t intend to throw an orgy, every gathering of five or more vampires has the potential to become one. (Groups of four don’t only because that would be a foursome, not an orgy.) Make sure all sex toys are ready to go; just because someone can fly doesn’t mean they’ll appreciate the buckles on your harness from 1493 giving way ten feet from the floor.
But remember, NFAF – Never Fuck A Familiar. (The acronym made much more sense in the original Etruscan.) Getting caught up in the action and engaging in coitus with a familiar is the kind of embarrassing party behavior that lingers on in gossip for centuries.
Most important of all, relax and have fun! And don’t worry if something goes wrong – a few centuries from now, no one will even remember it! Except for the familiar one. Just ask Tristan the Trite about his tryst with the Trinidadian tart.