Work Text:
Some think realising you like women would be the hardest thing to deal with, maybe some others think it's the realising you like men, both are true, both suck, both have you lying awake at night with tears in your eyes, clinging loosely to the last hopes of your childhood dreams as you feel them be ripped from you.
No, what's much worse, Noelle decided, was having a bunch of queer people (many much younger than you) around you, so you can’t let it on, you don’t want them to think bad of lesbians, or worse, think you're faking.
It’s harder to cry yourself to sleep over lost dreams when you think of the young queer girl who confided in you, telling you how she thinks she's a lesbian, but she's not sure, she's scared to not like women, and so you console her. Yet selfishly you curl up and cry over the same lost dreams.
Its texting a boy from Niles High School and pretending you like men so you can trick yourself for a moment to thinking its real, as he asks you out. Only to make yourself sick from the concept of actually needing to love him. It’s silently praying a guy asks you out, even though he knows you’re gay, just so you can deceive yourself for a moment that you could love men. Doing all this without telling a soul, because you're supposed to love being queer, your part of the gay friend group, that's what you do, who you are, you're a lesbian and nothing from that.
Most jokes made about you turns into your inability to get a girlfriend, your friends with all the gay girls, who can you date? Diya and Min are dating. You can't date Akarsha, she's your best friend. You’re left wondering if you’re bound to die alone, the concept of men just out of arms reach, teasing you.
Its wondering how badly you’re comfort in a relationship matters, would dating a man be better than this feeling now. Finding yourself scared of your own thoughts, of wishing you could date a man, even if he hurt you, just so you could still have your old dreams.
Crying and mourning the dreams and not being able to share this with anyone. Akarsha can’t understand, she likes men, she doesn’t want Diya or Min to think worse of their own sexuality. None of the guys would get it. There's no one.
Sometimes she wishes she never found out she was gay. She ruined her own life; she ruined the life planned for her. She can’t ruin the illusions others have though, so she sobs quietly and alone, and tomorrow she’ll crack jokes with her friends about being gay like it doesn’t crumple her dreams.