Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

The lads are roaming the halls and squinting at their uni map and class schedules, each carrying their own. It was John, and his two most trustworthy companions; Ringo and Stuart; and despite this school being one of the seriously greatest things that's ever happened to him, he and the lads are thrilled to start their third and final year of uni. 

The first period classes don't start for 20 more minutes, but John thinks they're being wise to come early and discover where all their classrooms are before starting. 

And apparently they're not the only ones with that mindset if the crowd in the halls is anything to go by. 

Most of them are freshmen, if the look of panic and confusion on their faces is anything to go by. Cute. 

For John, this is mostly fun, because he is actually excited to start class. Really! Okay okay, he knows, this does not sound like the conventional John we all know. 

But things are different now. He's changed a lot since his naive, teenage years. And besides, this school is for him. He's passionate about being here. He's passionate about where his life is taking him, and where his career might take him. Especially with his degree path. 

You could call John a “spiritual guy”. He knows it sounds poofy, but he's past all that. 

It started his senior year of highschool. The start of the year was the same as usual. He was a right prick of a bloke. And of a mate. And of a lover. But that was the year he lost his mum. It ruined him. But ironically, what ruined him even more , was the person he was becoming because of that. 

John was a pretty horrible person. He pushed a lot of people away, hurt them, was selfish and cruel, took people for granted; a lot of things that he still feels guilty for now. But with everything he learned, he knows all he could do now is let go, and do better moving forward. 

So yeah, you could say, John's changed a lot . The moment he decided to change his life wasn't easy. He felt lost, helpless, scared, angry, and more than anything, alone. And he was alone. Even with his small circle of mates he was alone because he was so abandoned as a child that he didn't even know how to connect with anyone. Nor how to share intimacy with anyone. And he doesn't mean it in a naughty way. Just in a closeness way. Like… emotional intimacy. 

But all that didn't last. He started seeing help. He was visiting the free counselor at school. He even started seeing a therapist. That part was kind of boring, but very necessary. At the time. He threw therapy out the window when he met his life mentor, who he thinks he'll keep around for life. 

More meaningfully, in his eyes, at least, he started studying all sorts of different philosophies to help him move forward with his life; Stoicism, Daoism, Buddhism (his personal favorite!); and his life turned around.  

When he graduated highschool and didn't know where he wanted his career to take him, hell, not even his life to take him (at least not past him wanting to become some kind of meditative Guru and retire somewhere in India, guiding others and spending entirety of his life meditating and expanding his consciousness) he was intrigued to stumble upon this place. 

University of Spirituality and Creativity.

Huh. 

What could that be about? 

It didn't take John long to discover. 

It seemed perfect for him. And the more he read about it, the more stimulated he was about joining. 

It has all these great programs on meditation, yoga and chanting, energy healing, even some bits about art symmetry, positive psychology or some things like that.

So yes, he was eager to apply, some two and a half years ago, just days after he was crying on his bathroom floor, alone, amidst an identity crisis, and experiencing the worst heartbreak of his life. So bad, he didn't think he'd make it out of this one (it's a long story, and he'll tell that one another day). 

By then, he had already changed so much. He already started therapy. By then, he made 3 oaths he vowed to keep for the rest of his life: 

1. Always be a good person and do the right thing (that extends to no lying, no fighting, no judging, no intimidation and no more forcing people to do whatever mad psycho shite he wanted from them!)
2. Always help those around you. No matter what
3. No more substance abuse. That's right. No pot, no booze, no prellies. Nothing

Helping people was a nice escape for him. He found how fulfilling and good it felt to do so. Especially with how much he hated himself at the time. It was rewarding, knowing he could have a good effect on the world. 

And just before that summer, he stumbled upon meditation. He gave it a go. But in his uni program, meditation was heavily taught and sometimes implemented in the courses. That's when it became a meaningful part of his life. And he's been doing it ever since. 

But here's the thing they don't tell you about “healing”. All fun and games right? I'll do a little o’ this and a little o’ that, and now I'm good and life is happy? 

Wrong!  

It feels like shit! It's the hardest, and equally the best, most rewarding, most grateful and blessed thing John has ever decided to do. (That's yin and yang, he supposes (another little something he learned from Buddhism). Or, they like to call it “Karma”.)

And no drugs or booze to wash away his sorrows. So yeah. He was raw-dogging it. 

Still is, only now it's not so bad. It's always hard but always easier. And the easier part is worth it. 

Trust me.

When he found out about this place, he thought this school would save him. And in a lot of ways it did. The people he met did too. 

Like Stuart, Cynthia, and May Pang, one of his college lovers from his first year. They didn't hang around much anymore, but she taught him a lot about life. He had never felt so the same as another person before, but the less mature version of it. May taught him how to be vulnerable; more than any therapy lesson ever had; just by embodying it herself in an unapologetic way. 

For a moment, he thought she was his soulmate. Especially after…. 

But he now realizes that she was just someone he needed to learn from at the time, and she him. And they did. And he'll never forget her for that. 

Then there's Samira, the mentor he met when he moved to Elgin (that's where Uni takes place). Also the “life mentor” he mentioned before that he does in fact intend to keep around for the rest of his life. 

She’s a Persian woman of about 30-something when they met. She is a “master” of psychology and spirituality (as she says) and she is smart. Not only by knowledge, but by intuition as well. 

He remembers having a really good feeling when he bumped into her at the grocer, and she gave him her business card after they spoke. 

At the beginning, he spent a lot of money working with her, but after a while, they got so close; she told him he was like a son to her, and they began to spend time together. He and her family that is. Herself, husband, and five small children (newbie to age 7), which she claims to have many more of, silly woman. 

He's actually never felt so at home before. He loves her little ones. They even look at him as “Uncle John.” It's precious, and he couldn't be more grateful. It's like he got a second home and the wisdom of a mentor all in one! For free! 

He's grateful for fitting in because he doesn't think he could've afforded to keep seeing her indefinitely, but he feels like he fits in with them. They're meant to be a part of each other's lives, he supposes. She reckons that too. 

And then there's Ringo, who isn't new, but always around. Ringo is a good childhood friend. One of his closest, and also guilty for showing John USC. In fact, they applied and started together, and they've been glued by the hip since. 

Them and Stuart, who they met here, who quickly became one of John's best mates, just the same. And here they are, making it day by day. 

So yes, a lot’s changed. Also a lot John wishes he could have changed about his past-- oh if only you knew the whole story-- but of course, this wise sod knows all he can do is make the best of the precious now. 

He simply thanked the universe for his second chance at life; one he was very inspired about, thank you very much; and took it from there. 

Now he spends every day of his life doing what he can to better himself, and be the best person he can be. That's what it's really all about, isn't it? Doing your best, and letting everything else in life fall into place.

Well, that's what John reckons. And that's why he likes it here so much. He's not proud of the guy he once was, but he's hopeful about the one he's becoming. 

“There ya are, room 1504,” John says to Stuart. 

“I like how it's by the courtyard,” Stuart answers. 

Then Ringo says with a bright grin, “aye, great place ta meet fer lunch,” as the others agree. 

Glancing down at the map, John examines the other rooms. “Okay what else?” He says to himself, turning around to face the crowded hallway. 

His mates follow his direction. John barely has a chance to raise his head when one of the most life changing, mind boggling, impossible, terrifyingly unreal things happens to him, and just like that, his life changes way too soon. 

Hang the fuck on! 

He spots him. 

No…

John trips in his tracks as his mind whirls. His breath hitches. He blinks and stares into the distance because he can't be seeing this right.   

John squeezes his eyes at the sight. It can't be… 

It is! 

Oh God! No no no no no! What the fuck! 

John's eyes widen as he snaps around and stares Ringo down. He looks mortified, as if he's seen an actual ghost. Not far off. 

"What?" Ringo asks. John says nothing-- c’mon you moron! Whad'ya mean what? Save me!-- keeps staring, frozen in place. “What is it?” Ringo asks again, beginning to worry. This time, he looks past John's form, squinting at some crowd of people. He's staring and searching, confused, not knowing what he's looking for. And then…

“Oh shit…”

It's Paul.

Paul…

Paul! 

Paul McCartney. As in John's ex. As in the Paul that broke John's heart. The Paul that John cried over for like a year. The Paul that John has just barely gotten over. The Paul that was responsible for the greatest heartbreak that John's ever been through. 

Well… looks like we are getting to this today after all… Shit. 

Also the Paul that John borderline abused, manipulated and gaslit while they were together, so perhaps they're even. But hey, he was a kid, okay? And a troubled one. Like really bad. But that's the very reason he became a better person. Because he didn't wanna be that guy anymore. And out of all the horrible ways he's treated Paul, the one thing that he never did, was cheat on him. Because no matter what, mad or not, he was Paul's. Full blown, completely gone, 100% Paul's. And that bit never really changed. Even during all that heartbreak. 

It was almost less bearable than his mum's death because that, he knew he couldn't change or control, but this, he couldn't help but feel that he and Paul were meant for each other, and that there was something he had to do to… what? Force Paul into his life? Yeah. He's always had a habit of trying to control everyone and everything. Real insecurity, that. 

And maybe he was right. Maybe the two are meant to be together. Maybe they aren't. But it's  not his to decide any more. Only time would tell the tale of that story, and all he could do is journey along the way. That's what meditation taught him. He started to seem okay with it; thought he was. That is, until now . 

“What is it?” Stuart asks, confused. 

“‘M gonna fucken die,” John whispers, almost inaudibly, eyes closed in absolute, incomprehensible disbelief. 

“John?” Stuart asks, staring at him in confusion and concern. 

“This can't be my life right now,” John whispers again, mostly talking to himself as he tries to fathom this. 

“What the hell's goin’ on?” Stuart snaps impatiently. 

“It's… Paul,” Ringo takes the courtesy of answering, somehow looking guilty as John mentally breaks down in front of him. 

“Wha- Paul! As in thee Paul??” Stuart asks. Oh yes, he's heard all the stories. 

“That one,” Ringo confirms. 

“Do something!” John pleads. 

“Whad’ya want me to do?” Ringo asks. 

“I don't know! Something! Anything! Get me outta here! Kill me! Throw me out the window!” 

“We're on the first floor…” 

“Holy shit, mate!” John does a frustrated spasm jump type of movement with his fists tightening in the air, right at Ringo's throat as a way of strangling him for not doing it to John first. John closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Ringo,” he says, feigning calmness. “Now is not the time fer yer attention ta detail. I need ya ta get me the hell outta here before I croak--” Ringo eyes them over. Ivan, who's standing with Paul, spots him, momentarily looks incredulous, then waves with a surprised grin. “--becos I swear t’god if ya keep standin’ there an’ starin’ at me like that an' he sees me, I will--” 

“Okay don't panic…” Ringo interrupts, clearly ready to say more in a tone that John does not have a good feeling about. 

“ Ringo….” he says in a testing manner.

“But they saw us,” Ringo adds. John is hyperventilating and jittering some nonsensical pleas to be saved. Or killed. Either one. “They're coming over here,” he adds, being absolutely no help at all! 

You better have life insurance because I am going to burn you alive. 

This can't be real. He hasn't… he won't…. He can't be seeing Paul again! Now. All of a sudden-- Oh God please help! -- After all these years. With no preparation at all! After what John's put him through. After the way he begged for him back and got rejected , oh Christ! 

“Ringo, I swear to God--” 

“Just don't panic, okay.” 

“You get me out of here or so help me God--” 

“They're coming over here shh! Shh! They're… they're… they're here,” Ringo says, getting quieter and quieter until he whispers the last. 

It's suddenly quiet as John and Ringo lock eyes. Ringo has an apologetic look that's also awkwardly telling John to turn around and acknowledge their guests. 

Useless. 

He peers at Stuart instead, who some-impossibly-how looks more terrified than he does? Probably because John looks about ready to kill them both. 

“Well I'll be damned! How the hell are ya lads!?” An excited voice exclaims behind John; Ivan's. 

He slowly turns his head. Ah! There they are. 

Ivan, George, and Paul. Sigh . The absolute love of his life, holy Grail, heavenly human, taking his breath away once again, and looking so much more gorgeous than John remembers what the fuck! 

Everyone else looks fine. They all look older. They grew out of their teenage baby faces. They're more grown out, and they look more mature. Paul looks angelic, but that's nothing new. 

Oh, but that's not it. Just to add that cherry on top of this little surprise, the absolute worst sight of all… some strange bloke he's never seen had an arm around him. 

Fuck. 

John is gonna be sick.  

John offers a weak smile. Ivan is one of his and Ringo's childhood mates. Actually, the one who introduced them to Paul. Sigh. Paul… Precious, angelic, *standing-in-front-of-him* Paul. 

Why is this happening? 

He catches Paul staring at him; looks as if he's just as shocked, if not more; partly frozen, eyes wide and eyebrows raised, mouth dropped open on disbelief so strong, he's not even trying to hide it. 

Yeah…. John felt that. 

To put it simply, Paul does not look happy to see him. Why would he? John all but tormented him for a year and a half. Good to see he hasn't forgotten. 

Great!  

Ivan asks how they've been and Ringo takes it upon himself to catch up while John is lost. In Paul's eyes, to be exact (who still looks mortified, poor lad. Might have something to do with having to face John while rubbing boyfriend alert in his face. John's been through worse though). 

John could care less about boyfriend though. He can't believe Paul's standing in front of him and can't look away. He's glued to the lad’s face, his own expressing some kind of disbelieving sorrow. 

This… it's…. It's Paul! 

His Paul! 

His sweet, precious, absolute love of his life Paul! 

And why on earth is there another bloke around him?

This is like one of those fever dreams you have, that, like… nearly kills you while you're sleeping. But then you wake up and realize that everything's okay. Except, funny thing, this is real! 

Okay…. God? Universe? Angels? Er …. Ready to wake up now…. 

Anytime.  

Paul and Ringo share a welcoming embrace, and Ringo introduces Stuart, momentarily distracting Paul from his shock. John is still silent; he's got nothing to say; neither aware nor having any regard if it's becoming noticeable. If his name is brought up, he doesn't hear it. He's still staring at Paul. 

He can't believe he's actually here, standing in front of him. Surely this has to be a dream. Some kind of sick, kick-John-in-the-balls night terror. 

Please?  

“Er… this is Denny. He's my boyfriend.” 

John is ripped away first by the sudden, angelic ring of Paul's voice, familiar and nostalgic; fluttering his stomach with the memories that come with suddenly hearing the sound of that voice; and then second by the agony of its meaning. 

…..Is this a joke?

Paul swallows as he's forced to admit it. His hands are clammy and his heart is thumping. He can't believe he's seeing John. It's been years… and now he has to introduce his boyfriend? There's no getting out of here is there?

Seeing John here is like seeing an accident in public. You have to look to make sure it's real, but you don't want them to catch you looking. That's what this feels like. 

His first reaction is one of sorrow, seeing someone he was once so in love with. But it quickly shifts to worry. Worry for his new life, with Denny, and without John. 

He suddenly feels angry. Angry for seeing him. He loved John at the time, he really did, but that bloke put him through hell! While they were together, and after. He barely escaped the strong grip of Johns presence, and now he has to face him again. Has to go to school with him? 

Paul internally curses himself. He knows this won't go well. He's battling between missing the man and hating him. Hating that he's here. And considering where he's at with his life right now, he has to sit with the latter. He can't miss John, can't allow himself to. He has a new relationship; a new life, even; that requires his attention. 

He knows John way too well to have any ounce of hope. John will try to ruin his life if it's the last thing he does if it means making Paul his. His jealousy was always overbearing and uncontrollable.

And what's worse is he’s introducing his current boyfriend to his ex-boyfriend!! 

Oh God… poor Denny . 

Now Paul's worried worried. 

John is gonna ruin his life too! 

John's much bigger and stronger than Paul remembers him. He wonders what he's capable of now. He never hurt Paul. Physically that is. And Paul knows he never would. But that didn't excuse Denny. John had his fair share of fights back in the day. And Denny's just this innocent, sweet lad who, Paul's sure, never even hit a bloke before! 

He's lucky if they're still together by the end of the year because he knows how forcibly John could torment people. Shit!

Paul feels John's eyes nailing him hard. Even though he's not looking back; hell, trying his best to avoid it; he can tell. He saw the way John's eyes snapped at him announcing Denny.

John looks like Paul's ripping his heart out of his chest all over again.  

Oddly enough though, he doesn't look angry. Not at him, not at Denny. Paul knows not to be fooled though. John's anger was always vile. But still… he just looks… sad? 

Paul peaks over to confirm, then just as quickly, looks away. But it's confirmed. John looks devastated. It suddenly makes Paul feel bad for him. John didn't ask for this either. 

Now he needs to figure out what the nicest yet sternest way he can tell John off while he's with Denny, until they never have to see each other again.

Should he say something? Saunter up to him, alone, and tell him to stay back. 

That never worked in the past. It only led to them fighting. Or having make-up sex. 

…

Maybe Paul will just avoid him at each and every cost! That should work.

…

John's firm gaze is shifting from Paul to Denny as he introduces himself to the other lad's. 

Stuart shakes his hand, then Ringo, and then-- 

‘Oh god please, don't say anything terrible…. Or try to embarrass him… or mention us… or spit on him,’ Paul pleads in his head. 

Denny's arm is reaching out, innocent smile on his face as he awaits a greeting, and there's a moment of silence as John analyzes him, a little too overtly. He has a distracted and unsettled look on his face, and it's no secret that he's not interested in this interaction in the slightest. 

Paul swallows, heart thumping in anticipation and dread, eyeing John hard in observation. ‘John… if there's any part of you that still cares about me, then just please --.’

“John. Pleasure,” John says, reaching a hand out, even offering a subtle grin, and shaking with him. 

…

Paul frowns. 

What? That's it?  

Paul's brain and heart seem to stop at the same time as he blinks at the sight, before being followed by relief. He's frowning suspiciously as his eyes shift between his previous and current lovers like a ticking clock. 

Denny is grinning widely, almost looking sweet. 

Y’know… John can't believe he's thinking this, but this Denny bloke actually seems like a nice guy. 

Now John is looking down, sort of like he's deep in thought. Paul analyzes him as he's able to get a good look. He knows John's avoiding his gaze. It's John, alright. No denying that, even though he looks different. But not too different, just… older. 

Actually, John looks really really really good.  

He looks fit! Paul could see the shape of his muscles pressing against his tight shirt. He always remembered John being fairly strong and having an athletic physique. But this is different. This bloke works out . There's no denying it. His face looks good too. Lean, yet strong, still muscular, especially at his neck and jaw. His aquiline nose still creates a powerful stance on his face. And his hair is grown out. It isn't crunchy and gelled back like it was in highschool. It's soft and shaggy, and even has wavy bits at the end. He looks incredibly handsome. Not only because of his already naturally handsome appearance, but because he now takes care of himself that makes him incredibly attractive. Paul wonders if he gets a lot of attention for it. He'd even go as far as to think that John looks pretty irresistible. 

His eyes trail down John's body, following the muscles of his arm until they reach his hands; one thing Paul remembers always liking on John. And now, they look unbelievably stronger than before. Bigger and more mature, obviously showing his age growth. 

Okay so he works out, no doubt about that. 

“Have ya lads seen each other since graduatin’?” Ivan asks. 

“Just us two,” Ringo says, referring to John. “It's been ages!” He says cheerfully, giving a look to George, Paul, and Ivan, who smile at him. It's a bit obvious that their mates are trying their hardest not to keep this awkward. Everyone except for Denny, that is, who still has an unknowing grin on his face, as if he's just happy to be involved. Sort of like a golden retriever. 

John is still blanked out, silent and expressionless. His head is absolutely spinning, however, and where a moment ago, he couldn't peel his eyes away from the sight, now he can't maintain them. He's trying in vain to control his abrasive thoughts and breathing. He feels like he could burst into tears. Or just collapse. 

Paul offers him a sympathetic look despite John's eyes being averted. Poor lad. Paul remembers how terribly John handled their break up, and how devastated he was. For years, apparently. That's what he heard from mates. 

But Paul was too! John wasn't the only one devastated. Paul was crying for months over him, but he forced himself to stay strong and move on because he just had to get out of that relationship. It was hard on both of them. 

But still, he can imagine things from John's perspective now. Seeing him for the first time in years, and in the arms of another man. 

Paul just knows John will make up for it all by making Denny's life a living hell!  

His emotions are so mixed here. Should he ignore him, tell him off, give him a comforting hug, reminisce?? Seriously! What is he supposed to do here?

Considering that John is no longer his boyfriend, and they're not together anymore, Paul doesn't think any type of interaction is appropriate. Despite how much he has in him to give. John had that effect on him. 

“And ya lot are all students here?” Ringo asks. 

“Just us three,” Ivan says. “George found out about it. Liked that it was all spiritual an’ such, so Paul and I transferred after a year in community. Courses seem like an easy ‘A’ so we thought, ‘why not’. Plus, good music classes. And Denny, he's just helping with the move and givin’ Paul a proper farewell before he heads back home.” 

Great. Now John knows Denny's leaving and he'll wait for Paul to be alone before he can pounce on him… fuck , this is gonna be an eventful year. 

Okay, you know what? Paul can do this! All he has to do is never be around John ever . It won't be like last time where John managed his ways to get hold of him or persuade him. No. No more. Paul will be stern this time. And harder on him. Yes, that's it. That's what he'll do. And then it'll be nothing to worry about. 

It gets quiet and the awkwardness of the silence is surmountable. Especially that everybody knows why! Talk about the elephant in the room. 

“You guys know yer way around?” Stuart asks, breaking the silence. Bless. 

“We er… got a good look around,” Paul says, eyes drifting between the group and John, who still won't look at him. “Think we're alright.” 

“Aye, actually, except fer the loos. Anyone know where those might be?” Denny asks. 

Stop talking, stop talking, stop talking!  

John suddenly answers, “It's straight ahead and off the right. Kinda in the corner, hidden like,” as he gestures dimly before going blank again. Paul frowns again. So he can acknowledge the new lover boy, but not Paul himself? 

And why is John being nice to Denny?

Denny looks over before nodding. “Cheers mate,” he says with a wide grin and goes off. 

Call John mad but he really does seem like a nice guy! 

“What're yer majors? Never thought I'd see ya lot here!” Ivan says. 

“Art and Symmetry,” Stuart says. “Basically fancy fer art major.” 

“Humanitarianism,” Ringo says. 

“Oh me too!” Paul says, eyes lighting up. 

“Maybe we got some classes together!” 

“Aye, maybe,” Paul says. He always liked Ringo. This part he's actually delighted about. 

Holy fuck John misses his sweet, adorable, happy voice. Hearing him speak suddenly and seeing him smile brings back memories. John feels like he's sick. 

“What's yer minor?” Paul asks Ringo. 

“Holistic health science. How ‘bout you?” 

“I dunno,” Paul chuckles. “I thought about wildlife biology. Or ecology, ta work with animals. Or somethin’ with music. Or maybe psychology, ta work with kids, y’know,” Paul says with an undecided shrug. 

“Oh, John took the positive psych courses,” Ringo says on John's behalf. “Said they're really fab.” John knows what he's trying to do here, sweet Ringo, but he's not sure anything will repair what the fuck is going on right now. 

Paul only nods with a non-interested hum. Paul really looks like he could care less what John's school life looks like. Besides, he doesn't really take John as the type to be interested in positive psychology. Or any type of schooling for that matter. In fact, what is John doing at this school?? 

Feeling defeated, John suddenly decides to chime in. “Aye. I took most of the lifestyle courses already. That one falls under that program.” Suddenly he has everyone's attention shot at him.  

Okay, can everyone relax please? He can talk, it's not that astounding!  

“What kinda stuff?” George asks him curiously as Paul makes a point with avoiding his gaze and the conversation. 

John knows he shouldn't be surprised; there's no reason for Paul not to be distant towards him; but it still hurts seeing that reaction from him. From someone he really just loves so much. 

John fishes out a uni flier and shows him. Denny is walking back from the bathroom. 

“What's that?” Denny asks. 

“All the programs here,” Paul says. 

“This seems like a lot,” George adds with a questioning tone. A lot for John, he means.  

John see's Stuart and Ringo ready to boast about him but gives them a look. He does not need Paul to know that he's an overtime student and takes courses every summer break term, and that he's a double major. He likely wouldn't believe it anyway. 

“Meditation and the art of being? Positive psychology and spiritual growth?” George reads aloud in a questioning tone. 

“Philosophy of inner peace!?” Ivan asks in sheer disbelief, raising an eyebrow at John. 

John's personal favorite. 

Ivan, Paul and George are frowning as they read as if they're being punked. Especially Paul, who looks the most suspicious. He has a disbelieving eyebrow raised, as if he's being lied to. 

“Some o’ these sound really cool,” Denny chips in. 

“We should, er… get goin',” John suddenly says when there's less than five minutes left before class starts,  giving his senior mates a look that says please go along with it and get me the hell outta here… or die. 

“Right, er… first block's ‘bout ta start,” Ringo says in understanding. 

“Aye we'd better go ‘fore we're late on our first day,” Stuart says, causing everyone to nod. 

They're all about to part when Ivan quickly speaks up. 

“Right, but ay, we should catch up. It'll be just like the good ole' days! Let's meet back here for lunch? Aye?” he suggests. It suddenly gets quiet again. Awkwardly so. 

George looks at Paul in question with the same look that Stuart and Ringo look at John. Both sets of mates dutifully awaiting their reactions before agreeing. 

Ivan looks hopeful. Denny looks confused. And John and Paul… well, they're just silent with a blank look on their face. 

Uh-huh….

He thinks maybe Paul could call the shots and answer but he's clearly trying his best to avoid actually saying ‘hell no!’ 

If this is some kind of sick joke that's taken too far, it's not too late to back out now and call the bluff… really it's not…

Damn! He thought that'd work!

“Right,” John chimes. “Well I'll see ya lot later,” he adds, before scurrying off. Ringo and Stuart smile at the others before following behind him. 

John is walking briskly, as if he's being chased by his own terror from what just happened as his mates try to catch up. 

“John!” Stuart calls as they catch up. 

“Hey, ya aright, mate?” Ringo asks. John just shakes his head. What the fuck . “John?” 

This time, John stops and turns to them in acknowledgement. He looks absolutely defeated. His mates are looking at him sympathetically. 

“What…” John starts. “ The fuck!” The others wait patiently for John. “ What is happening?” Then he looks at the other two. “Is this real?” He's not sarcastic anymore. It's a real question. 

“It's real John. He's really here,” Ringo says. 

John stares off into space as his brain stirs again. He's in shock, there's no doubt about that. “I… I can't believe it… it's Paul!” John says in disbelief. Then a little more pathetically, he adds, “and he hates me.” 

“He doesn't hate you,” Stuart says. 

“Did you see his face?” 

“He's just in shock,” Ringo adds. 

“And did you forget what I put ‘im through?!” John asks accusingly, as if Ringo has no excuse to bullshit him here. 

It works, as Ringo thinks about it guiltily. There's no denying it, so all he says is, “are you okay?” 

John's head is spinning, his heart is thumping, he's confused, feels weird, unhappily jealous and suddenly missing someone he thought he got over. 

Still, he sighs. “Yeah… I will be…I just…” 

“Hey,” Stuart calls. “Don't downplay it.” 

“Aye. It's Paul,” Ringo adds. 

“Ya don't hafta act okay here,” Stuart says. “This sucks!” 

John nods at them. “Yeah… yeah, I know… I dunno. We'll see what happens, I s’pose. I er… I'll catch up with ya later. Just need the day ta meself,” -- to cry-- John says. His friends nod supportingly before he walks off. 

Okay, yes. This sucks. A lot. And it's playing with John's heart. And brain. And every part of sensibility in his body. But he really means it when he says: he's not the guy he used to be. At all! He has his life back now. He has a huge support system, meditation, his wellness activities, a school program that he's fascinated to learn about, and a very special someone who always seems to know the answer. 

This sucks. But it funnily sucks. Like… the gods are playing some kinda joke on John. And having some kinda kick out of it. 

Very funny, guys! John thinks with a sarcastic grin. 

So… he'll be okay. 

Eventually… 

~~

Denny kisses Paul goodbye at his classroom and says he'll be roaming around or at his dorm. They spent a few days moving in, and Denny's only gonna be here for 3 more days. 

Shit!  

And then it'll be him. And John. And whatever terrors John will bring into his life. 

Strap in bud, because you're going down this road again .

Oh God. He thought he put all this behind him! How could John be here? Now?  

Is it highschool drama all over again? Surely John's matured a bit since then. Or is John going to torment him and make his life a living hell again? 

Not that… he didn't… 

John is great, okay. He's a good guy. Always was. 

Well…

Okay, not always . Their relationship was toxic. By definition. But it wasn't always like that. Paul saw a side of John that he doesn't think anybody else ever saw. It was beautiful. And John is a wonderful, loving man. Of course he is. 

That ‘hell’ Paul was referring to was mainly John trying to force them back together, when Paul needed it to be done with. Was that so bad? 

And yes, they fought a lot. A lot . John was difficult. He was hard to be around. But he was so easy to love; lovable, sweet, generous. Even with all the emotional baggage he went through, he still showed Paul this loving, tender side of himself. 

The only thing was that he couldn't maintain it. So of course he had to leave. Especially after the accident. That's when he became unbearable, and Paul couldn't take it anymore. 

But of course, of course , he loved him. That part was always real. Always. The connection they had was irreplaceable and Paul had to grit his teeth to hold himself back and muscle through all that heartbreak, despite how tempted he was to call. He knew John would let him in if he did. That's why he had to force himself not to. 

It wasn't until Paul started seeing another lad (before Denny. Way before) that the rumor got out and it finally got through to John that they were done. He hadn't seen John when he found out, or since, but the idea of John knowing about it made Paul feel incredibly guilty and sorry. But he did it anyway. In fact, he thinks that's why he did it, really. To get John over him. 

So the reason he's so hard on him here is because he knows how jealous John is. And he's dead worried about Denny. 

I mean… they're gonna be in the same uni?! How could this possibly happen!? So basically, all they've been through; the fighting, breaking up, moving on; was all for nothing? Just thrown down the drain and they're here spit up, forced to see each other and act like none of that ever happened? 

Where would that take them? Especially now that Paul's with Denny. He can't risk reopening anything with John.

John only ever left him alone when they were already apart. But now, in the same uni, classes side by side, and mates meeting together for lunch or summit! This can't be good! Is it going to be a nightmare like last time? 

He remembers the way he would show up at his front door unannounced, follow him around, harass him into letting him in or sticking around. That, or he would try seducing him into it. 

Normally, John would be pulling him into some closet to suck his dick, all spontaneous and ‘passionate’ like. 

He's half surprised John hasn't yet. That's more of the John he remembers. Impulsive, sexual, and complete disregard for others.  

Oh god…. Denny. 

Dammit! 

Okay, Paul, just breathe. Don't jump to conclusions. Not yet, anyway. Nothing's happened yet…

But knowing John… it won't be long. He feels anxious all throughout class, like he's anticipating some kind of harsh, demandatory confrontation from the man. And maybe more…

He wonders if he'll get some knock on his dorm door. Surprising him and George. While Denny's there with them. And what John would spur out then. 

Paul can try to avoid him, but there's only so much he can do. It makes him antsy all day. 

After his first class, he was relieved when George hunted him down in the busy halls. 

“There ya are!” He says. 

“Oi! Hey!” Paul says gratefully. 

George gets his attention. “Well!”  

…

“Well what?” 

“Hello! Elephant in the room! John!” 

Paul sighs. “Yeah, yeah, I know!” 

“What're ya gonna?” 

“What? Like, drop the school an’ flee the country? Whad'ya mean what am I gonna do? Nothin’!” 

“What ‘bout Denny?” 

Paul stares off into space, silently thinking. “He’ll be fine,” Paul says, voice not very convincing. 

“He--” George takes a prolonged pause. “ John , Paul. We're talkin’ about John .” 

“I know!” Paul whines, suddenly panicked, giving up his attempt at composure. “I dunno! What do I do? What can I do? I just barely got him ta leave me be at the cost o’ never seein’ each other again… but now… this…” 

“Yer not thinkin’ about… y’know… with him?” 

Paul's face grimaces. “What! No! Course not! I'm with Denny. That's over! It's been over!” 

“Okay good.” George says, but is somehow still unconvinced. Surprise surprise, those two aren't each other's biggest fans. “Becos you remember how he was, right?” George warns, which Paul nods to. “He was a psycho liar and a dick! And you could do much better!” 

Paul tuts disappointedly at that. He didn't like people speaking that way about John. He was difficult, yes, but he wasn't all those terrible things. “He wasn't a dick! Or a liar. He just… he was just…” 

George stops him in his tracks and meets him, eye to eye. “Paul… don't tell me yer goin' soft fer him again… ya can't go down that road again.” 

Paul rolls his eyes and shoves out of George's hold. He hated being spoken to like this. Like some kind of insecure bird who keeps defending her wrong do-er. 

Okay, he was like that before, but he's not now. He knows better. But he still doesn't feel right saying those things. 

It's odd. Paul thought the very things in his own head. The avoiding John bit, not the name calling bit. But hearing something else talk about him like that almost made him want to prove them wrong. Like it's happening on instinct. Funny how John has that effect on him. 

“I'm not doin’ anythin’! Nothin's gonna happen, okay? Would you just trust me, and drop it?” Paul asks, visibly irritated. 

“Aright, aright, sorry. Just don't wanna see ya like that no mo’. Ya know how John can be.” 

“I know. An’ ya won't… I'm a big boy now. Plus, I'm with Denny,” Paul says. 

“‘Bout that… aren't ya worried ‘bout Denny?” 

“Scared shitless.” 

“Right.” 

“We'll be fine. We… we'll make it work. It won't be like before,” Paul says. 

“Yeah, aright.” 

George lets it go, but Paul suddenly gives him a sneaky grin. One that he doesn't think John will ever see on him. 

“What?” He asks, anticipating some sort of horny Paul crap, especially with the face he's pulling. 

“Nothing just…. Did you see his muscles!?” Paul whispers. George shoves his arm. 

“Cut it out, Paul! He doesn't have muscles, or a brain, or a heart! Leave it alone.” 

Paul laughs, shrugging. “If ya say so.” He doesn't need convincing though. Being around John is the last thing he wants. 

~~

John had gone to the fete with his mates at the time. Pete, Colin, Nigel, and Eric. Ivan was meeting them too, but he would catch up with them later that day along with a mate from his own school. That's when John met Paul. He was… what? About 15? 16? And Paul a grade below. 

John still remembers seeing him for the first time. There was so much to do there. He and his mates were just walking back from the punching bag machine, teasing and betting who's punch would be strongest (it was in fact John's, thank you very much) when Ivan and his mate arrived. 

They were approaching them from the opposite end. From afar, John didn't think twice about the other lad. Once they approached in the middle, John remembers the way their eyes locked. 

You could call it a coincidence. But it wasn't. They were so drawn to each other, they couldn't look away. And when they spoke, it felt even closer. 

Their connection was instantaneous. And ever since then, they began spending time together; sort of submerging in each other and seperating from the rest of the group as their friendship grew. And the rest was history. 

~~

That night, Paul is lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Denny's in bed with him, sleeping, and George is in the bed across. 

His alarm for class would be ringing soon. He woke up recently and doesn't feel tired much. 

Figures. He's been on edge all night. Thinking about John. At first, he was going through some kind of disbelieving shock. But after some time, he begins to wonder about John. He wasn't really talking much. Unsurprisingly. John was never good with surprises like this. But still, Paul's curious to figure him out; wonders what he's thinking. 

He's probably plotting some kinda revenge on Denny or something. And that's why he's so quiet. 

During class, he kept expecting John to pop up in the halls or at his dorm to yank him somewhere private and seduce him. Or at least try to talk or convince him to take him back. Just like he used to. 

Actually… knowing John… he's sort of surprised that didn't happen. Like really surprised… like even more surprised than if he did it. It's like Paul's been expecting him to do it all day. Still is. Paul thinks if he hasn't done it now, it's only a matter of time before he does. 

Maybe he's waiting for Denny to leave… 

Might be something John's planning. 

But whenever it happens, it won't be like last time. Paul will refuse him, no question about that. He wants nothing to do with that lad. 

Well… Paul can't say he hasn't missed the lad. Could you really be done with someone you have that much history and connection with? 

Despite how ready Paul is to deny him and push him away, he still sort of… wants John to come find him. He knows he shouldn't. And he won't entertain it. But… a part of him wants to know that he's still got that hold on John. Still getting attention from him. He got over John after the break up, but there's some things that he'll never really let go with him. He and John… they… they were like two peas in a pod. They were perfect for each other. They had their moments, mostly areas of immaturity. But underneath that, deep down, they just got on. They… fit. And here he is, back again. Probably just a few doors away. Even closer than their houses in Liverpool. 

A part of him wants John to be in the past, completely over with; he's with Denny. But John… John is something else. Their memories together are insurmountable. Their connection is deep and one of a kind. And their time together brought some of the greatest sensations Paul's ever felt in his life. Even some of the sweetest love. But, that's highschool love, that is. It's how young boys love each other. 

And now he's with Denny. A really good guy who makes him feel stable, mature, and calm. He didn't feel those things much with John. Their relationship wasn't one you'd call stable or mature. Or calm. Good? Sure. Passionate? Definitely. But there's a time when you grow up from boy to man, and you give up all that mad stuff for something real. And Paul's happy here. Even if a part of him misses John and what they had together. 

What he and John had was childish, immature, and naive. Leaving that relationship was good for both of them. And he's grown past all that now. He doesn't have room to re-enter that. 

He looks at Denny as he sleeps, suddenly feeling really guilty. Denny's really good to him. And they have a good relationship. John was in the past. He has to remember that. 

…

But their sex was so good! 

Somehow, the more toxic a relationship is (and theirs was!) The more intoxicatingly addictive the sex can be. 

But whatever! It's over now! For good reason. 

…

And his muscles, what the fuck!  

‘Paul!’ 

Okay, okay. Enough of that. Remember Paul, John's trouble. Always was. 

He wonders if John feels bitter towards him. For bringing along his new boyfriend and showing him off. Of course Paul didn't do that on purpose, and no one could've predicted this, but John always had a way of handling his emotions. And that way is anger and neglect. 

He wonders if John… hates him right now. He thinks he probably does. That's John. Always feeling like a victim. Like everyone's out to get him. Even when know one is. 

A few minutes later, his alarm goes off, and they get ready for their second day. Denny roams around and meets them for lunch like yesterday. Denny suggests they spend some private time together after that since Denny only has two more days here and they have some… things to fit into two days time…. 

But until then, he gets up and gets ready for day two. Day two with John. He wonders if it will be awkward or weird. Yesterday, Ivan wanted them all to meet for lunch together. They were lucky to have dodged that. He's not sure if they'll be able to everyday, however. He mentally prepares himself for whatever interaction he and John might have today. 

They don't have any, however. John's nowhere to be found. Even with Ringo and that other lad; Stuart was it; around. Paul guesses he's still ditching classes just like he used to. No doubt it's because of him. 

Some things don't change, Paul supposes. 

…

Except. 

He's not ditching class. And some things do change. They change very much, indeed. Like John. 

He avoids everyone and everything at all costs, yes, that parts true. And he would be ditching class if he was still 19 right about now. Also true. But, surprise surprise! His classes are the only thing keeping him sane right now. 

So Paul's wrong about that. In fact, he'd be shocked if he's seen how much Johns changed. And even more so to know he's the one that caused it. 

~

John was with his mates. Pete, Ivan, Nigel, Eric, and Colin. But they were down a person. 

Paul's been avoiding him ever since the break up. Understandably so. John's been pestering him for his time and attention ever since, driving Paul mad with his desperation. 

He'd seen Paul all but a few times in the last two months, accidentally so, not to mention. And when he had, the lad would avoid him, or just leave! Was it really that bad, being around John? 

John leaned in to Pete, who he was sitting beside him and whispered to him. “Was Paul out with ya lot last night?” John wasn't there, he wouldn't know. But he'd bet Paul was, considering that fact. 

“Aye, he was,” Pete said sympathetically. John sighed disappointedly, lightly shaking his head. He felt Pete pat his shoulder. “Sorry, mate. Maybe you should give him a bit o’ space, eh?” 

“I've tried that! He's still ignorin’ all me calls an’ messages. Ya’d think after all this time he could at least be in the same room as me…” John said, before thinking. Then decidedly said, ”I don't care. I'm goin' over ta-night. He can't avoid me forever.” 

Ivan overheard and he and Pete shared a worried look, which John noticed. He looked between the two of them. 

“What?” John asked. His voice was at a general volume now, causing all the other lads to acknowledge the conversation. 

Both Pete and Ivan guiltily avoided his gaze. The other blokes began looking unsteady too. 

“What!” John snapped impatiently. 

“He…” Ivan started. He looked at Pete again for help, then sighed before breaking the news. “He started seein' someone, John.” 

Well fuck. If that wasn't a blow to the gut. John felt like he'd been not only punched, but beaten to death. His stomach felt tight and he got an uneven lump his throat. 

“Whad'ya mean?!” He asked defensively. 

“‘M sorry, mate,” Pete said. “But he's with somebody else now.” Everyone was looking at him like a neglected child who'd just been kicked out of his home and was getting abandoned. That's how he felt. 

John was silent as his head stirred. It must've been a few minutes before he spoke again. 

“Is it… serious?” Please say no, please say no! 

“Seems like it, aye,” Ivan said. John's heart twinged. He felt the sudden urge to cry. Paul hadn't only dumped him, but he replaced him. 

“Why didn't ya lot tell me!” He snapped loudly, as if that's what he was mad about, his pain manifesting into anger like it always did. 

“We didn't know!” Pete defended adamantly, although he wasn't yelling in an angry manner like John. 

“Aye, we only just met him yesterday. Paul's been keeping him from us.” 

John's brain splat. 

“You met him?!?!” If you met him, that means he's real. All his mates eyes got apologetically wide. Oh God. What was happening? “Who… who is this bloke?! What the fuck!” 

“We're really sorry, mate, but… he wanted us to keep it from ya,” Pete said. 

John jolted from the couch. “Oh just fuck off!” He yelled before storming out of the door. 

“Aye, where’r ya goin'?!” Pete yelled out, but John never answered. They were worried he'd run to Paul's to harass him and deck his new bloke in the throat, who was probably at his place now anyroad. But he wasn't. He ran home. And it took no time for angry tears to pour out of his eyes. 

How could Paul be doing this to him? How could he find a new bloke so soon? Did he love him? Who was he and what was he like. Oh God… what if they get married-- fuck! John felt like he could barf. He wanted Paul, but his Paulie was gone. He was completely done with him. And if this was his way, he made very clearly that he and John were completely over, and that he wanted nothing to do with him. 

John hadn't seen him again after that. He never tried. He didn't call or text anymore; didn't try to get him when he went out with his mates; mostly, he was the one who stopped going out, this was a huge wake up call for him and he didn't feel the same anymore; never tried to stop by his house anymore. He finally left him alone. He just stayed home and cried over him more than he had when he was first dumped. Because he finally got it. And he never saw Paul again. It was a nightmare, but one he could no longer go without facing.  

~

Shortly after, John began seeing the guidance counselor at school. He finally made a decision to change. And his life was never the same after that. Then, therapy. Then he started meditating. He learned about Buddhism. And loved it. In fact, he wrote his senior paper on ‘Peace and Non-Violence’ (I know right! John?), and it was based on a Buddhist book he'd read. He found it fascinating. That's what helped him change. He actually enjoyed the changing part. He didn't love or ‘miss’ his old self. All these life views he'd been exposed to that contradicted his old self really did fascinate him. And inspire him. At times, those were his only friend. And Ringo, bless his soul!  

And now, he's calm, peaceful, emotionally regulated, and good John! What more could he ask for? 

… 

Well… he could sort of ask not to be in this situation anymore… which he sort of… already did……… 

Yes, it's true. A part of him still misses Paul. In a way he never thought he would again. But hey, revisiting the past can do that. 

He tries to find it in his heart to let this go, just like he's done before. This is a bit harder, because, well, Paul's actually in his life again. 

What if he can't control his feelings this time around being around Paul so much? 

That's probably what he's worried about most. If he was a teenager, he'd worry about what impulsive reaction he'd have that’d cause him to do something he'd regret. He had no self control of any part of himself back then, he remembers. But that no longer is the root of his concern. 

That morning, John tells Ringo (his dorm-mate) who tells Stuart later that he's laying low today and does not want to be found. He stays in as much as he can, and sneaks in and out of class. That's it. He leaves during the lunch hour and continues to hide out the rest of the day. 

A part of him feels just so humiliated. He's struggling not only to process everything, but even more, to face Paul. He knows he can't hide from him forever. And he won't…

Or maybe he will. 

But he needs time to think it all through. Paul looked so disappointed when he saw John here. It was the most gut wrenching reaction John could ever get from him. 

And he's been responsible for some serious reactions from Paul in the past. 

But this one's the worst. So don't blame him for avoiding the bloke for a bit here! He'll face him eventually. When he can. 

Although the thought of how that might go just makes John sick and want to crawl into a corner and keep hiding. Paul wants nothing to do with him. He's ashamed for how he treated the lad. 

What can he do now? Changing the past is not an option. He knows that. And he's dealt with all sorts of guilt before. Remember? No changing the past, just doing better moving forward. Doing the best he can, that is. 

So he'll do that now. But before that, he needs something else. He needs the advice of a very trusted companion. His heroine. 

~~

That night, John is banging aggressively at Samira’s front door. 

It opens to reveal her unaffected face. “Yes John.” 

“I'm gonna die!” 

She makes room for him to enter and announces she will start the kettle for tea, in complete reverse of his manic state. 

“Help me put Lila to bed,” she says calmly. He follows her towards her and her husband, Baron’s, bedroom where two cribs sit beside the king bed. It's for their two youngest, who are also twins, Lila and Aren, not even a year old. 

As he's walking down the corridor, Hana(and that's Hana, not Hannah, with an “ah”), the eldest, sneakily peaks her head out of her bedroom door. All the others must have been asleep, but she's entering the age of independence and stubbornness. 

John is just about to turn towards the door when he spots her tiny body in his peripheral. He lets out a chuckle before turning towards her and kneeling. 

She runs up to him, and in a hushed tone, says, “I didn't know you were coming over tonight, John! Are ya sleeping over?” Her voice was precious and adorable. She already had an accent that resembled that of her mother's and fathers. But softer. Also with an English touch, making it softer. 

John's smiling at her. “Aye, I didn't either. Kinda a last minute visit. Had to talk ta mum for a sec. And no, I don't think I will,” he said, making her face drop. 

That's when Samira comes out again and catches her. Hana gasps, looking suspicious and guilty. 

“Hana…” she says, although there is a fond smile on her lips. “Why aren't you sleeping yet?” 

“I was I was! I just heard John through my door and wanted to see if he was really here.” 

Samira and John both smile before she says something in Farsi that John doesn't understand. He thinks it's something fond and silly at the way mum and daughter grin. “Now you saw him. Say goodnight to John and back to bed.” 

Hana leans in to hug John's still crouching form and quietly whispers into his ear, “will you tuck me in before leaving?” 

John smiles and squeezes her, feeling warm, fuzzy, and protective over the sweet child in his arms. “Promise,” he whispers back secretively, so her mum won't hear. When they release, he puts a finger in front of his lips in a shushing manner and winks. She giggles before turning and running off. 

John follows Samira all the way into her bedroom now. “Sneakier and sneakier,” he jokes, voice hushed. Aren is already asleep in his crib, and Lila is cooing in her mother's arms. 

“Wonder who she reminds me of,” Samira jokes, making John smile fondly. He loves it here. He's never felt so at home before. And little as they are, every child made him feel more and more loved. 

He thinks Samira might be pregnant again. He doesn't know for sure, but he knows she would try. She always talks about having many children. She loves family. More than anything. 

They put Lila in her crib and lull her to sleep.

Samira asks, “can you stay quiet, or do we need to go to the kitchen?” To which John only gazes away, looking comically guilty. She sighs and stands up. “Come on.” 

In the kitchen, Baron is putting food in the fridge, presumably something he was just eating, and putting away his dish. 

The whole house's lighting is dim right now, almost all the lights off aside from a few spots of amber lighting against the darkness, almost as if to resemble the warmth of the home. This usually signals the children being asleep as Samira would want to create a peaceful atmosphere for them. 

He greeted Baron as they all sat at the table. 

“How are you, John?” John smiles at him. “I take it you could be better if you're here unannounced,” he jokes, making John chuckle. Baron is a wise man, but he hides it behind his humor and humility. He has a beard with some grays, making him look older than he is. He has the image of some kind of wizard. He and Samira fit perfectly together. He possesses strength in stature and in composure. He's big, “hefty’’ looking, and stable, like a statue. 

“John says he's dying,” Samira says with a knock on their table before sipping her tea. She's superstitious like that. John takes his cup as well. 

“Ah, well in that case, I'd better leave you to cure him,” he says lightheartedly, laughing and standing up. He approaches where his wife is sitting and kisses her cheek. He walks past John and offers an affectionate pat on the shoulder. “Goodnight, son.” 

God, he loves it here. 

“G’night sir,” he said, although he knew he didn't have to. This place is like home. But it's a respect-thing. Respect, and more than that, admiration. He's just the kind of man you look up to. John would be happy if he'd be half the man Baron is when he's grown. 

“So,” Samira starts. “What is troubling you so much, dear John.” 

John sighs. He takes a moment before speaking because he just can't believe the words that are about to come out. 

“It's Paul.”

She raises an eyebrow. Paul was so long ago. Surely this is the last thing she's expecting to hear. She was certain John put this behind him. 

“Oh? He reached out to you?” 

John snorts. “As if! Not a chance,” he added, making him feel like a loser. Of course Paul didn't. We wouldn't. Paul didn't want him. That sudden reminder hurts. 

“You saw him, then.” 

John nods. “He's a new student at USC,” John says tragically. “He goes ta my school Samira!” He says, sounding devastated. 

Her eyebrows lift again. “I see.” She looks shocked, no doubt; no one would see this coming; but she has a way of composing herself. 

“And…” 

“And?” 

“He was with some bloke. His… boyfriend.” 

“Hmm,” she hums in understanding, sounding even. She lets him filter his emotions, but with her experience with clients, stuff like this is nothing new. She's used to being the observer of all sorts of emotional outbursts. John looks up at her, looking sad and bitter. Almost like it's from her reaction. Or lack of. “It's not the worst thing in the world is it?” 

“I… I dunno! It feels like it.” 

She nods. “So you still have feelings for him,” she says, no questioning in her tone. Just evenness. 

John sighs. “I dunno… I mean, of course I do! It's Paul… I mean, it's not like before, y’know… but it's… it's… something…” 

John's jaw clenches at hearing himself. He really really thought he was over Paul… but after today… maybe he's not after all. He feels tears burn his eyes. 

“Will it ever stop?” He asks, sounding evidently tearful. He no longer has a purpose to resist her seeing him. He could sit here and argue with her, but he knows she's right, and that that won't bring him anything. He no longer has the instinct to cover himself or hide from her. 

She sighs. “Love is a very tricky thing, John. It's not black and white, or ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Attachment is consistent. As is fear, insecurity, jealousy. But love… real, true, from-the-heart love… it is absolutely unpredictable. And it is unique for every individual. So this I could not tell you.” 

“I thought I was past this… I mean… all the work I've done. Meditating. Workin' with you. I mean… you remember how I… you-- you saw…” John is starting to sound frantic. 

Samira nods. “I remember,” she says reassuringly.

“But seeing him suddenly…. Everything just came back. Everything . All the memories I thought I forgot, just at the sight of him, or the sound of his voice. It… it made me miss him. I tried to act like it didn't, and ignore it. But when I got back ta my dorm after everythin’, it just hit me so hard,” John says, sounding truly heartbroken again, like it's fresh and not from many years ago. 

“Did seeing him with another make you jealous?” 

John bites his lip. Then, “yes,” he says admittedly. Humility overpowering whatever ego he used to carry. Samira smiles at his purity. “I thought I was done with that part… jealousy an’ that… thought I grew out of it.” 

“Well that's completely natural. It's an emotion, John. Don't let one negative emotion trick you into thinking you haven't come as far as you have. How would you have reacted three years ago? Even one year ago?” 

John nods. “Aye,” he says with a chuckle. “Woulda been a nightmare.” John takes a sip of his tea as he feels himself settling down. 

“Will you be seeing him often?” 

John nods. “Likely. We have the same mates. They already wanted ta meet fer lunch today. I'm lucky if I don't see ‘im everyday,” John says with a defeated shrug. 

“And how did that go?” 

“It didn't. I ditched it.” Samira raises an eyebrow at him. “Don't look at me like tha’! Paul didn't wanna go either. I was doin' both of us a favor. Believe me!” 

“Why are you avoiding Paul?” 

John snorts. “He wants nothin' ta do with me! You shoulda seen the way he looked at me… it was…” Johns speaking pitifully. 

“You are ashamed to face him,” she says. 

John quietens. “Yeah.” When Samira waits for him to continue, he does. “You don't know what I put him through… he… I just… can't face him.” 

She frowns. “But I don't understand, John. You've experienced guilt before. You know that the cure to guilt is to make up for the offense. You've gone through this already.” 

“I know… I have… s’just…” 

“Except you're not experiencing guilt,” she says, causing him to meet her eyes, frowning. “You're experiencing shame. You know the difference, don't you?” At John's silence, Samira takes it he doesn't. “To experience guilt is to experience sorrow for another. That due to your own wrong doing. It is a level of compassion. What does shame remind you of?” 

John sighs, starting to understand. “Humiliation, hiding… insecurity.” 

“There you go.” 

“Is shame selfish?” John asks as he suddenly ponders the question. 

“Whereas guilt is compassionate, yes. You see that?” 

“Aye.” 

“You are too honorable and too good to be sunk in the insecurity of shame. You're strong, you're capable, and if I know you, John, you are very compassionate,” Samira says. John nods. “Do the right thing. Learn to live with yourself. With Paul in the picture, or without, doesn't matter. You have to live with yourself . And by being a better person than who you were yesterday, you are already doing that.” John nods again. “We adore you, John. We are in love with your heart! Everyone who meets you is. You are not who you used to be. Please have security in yourself.” 

He nods more urgently, feeling happy at the last as a smile creeps. “Aye. I will.” 

She smiles back. “So, did you interact with the boyfriend?” 

“Just a bit. We met.” 

“And? What did you think of him?” 

John looks up in thought. “Honestly, he seems like a nice bloke,” he says admittedly. “I even thought so when I met him. Even cute a bit. Has a good smile. Bit sweet looking like. And Paul… Paul seems happy…” John says, looking down at the last and thinking. “Except when he saw me.” When he looks back up, Samira is smiling at him. He chuckles. “What?” 

“This is why I adore you so much, John. You're so humble. And pure. And good. You always see the best in people, don't you?” 

John shakes his head, pretending to be modest. “Not… not always ,” he says, making her laugh. 

Samira smiles at him. “What are you gonna do with him, then? Paul and his boyfriend?” 

John frowns at that. “Nothin’. What am I supposed ta do?” 

“Good. That was a trick question,” she says, making him laugh. She's silly like that. She takes his face in her hand to draw his attention. He looks at her. “You're joining them for lunch tomorrow,” she says, like it's an order. 

John sighs, groaning. He opens his mouth to protest but there's nothing to fight her on this. Nothing he can get past her. That, and he knows she's right. 

Then she adds, “you go, and then after you tell me how it goes, yes?” 

Now he definitely has to go. 

“Yeah, yeah,” he says. She smiles. “How should I be? Around Paul, I mean?” 

She smiles again. “You should be yourself.” 

They finish their tea and stand from the table. 

“Are you staying the night?” Samira asks him. 

“Nah, I still gotta get some stuff done fer class tomorrow. I'm a student, remember,” he jokes. 

“Oh yes, busy busy you are,” she says with a grin, picking up a couple pieces of clutter from the house as she moves in the warm, dim room. “I suppose you should be off then. We'll see you soon,” she says,  approaching him to kiss his cheek sweetly. Then she hugs him. “Goodnight John. We love you very much.” 

John smiles against her. “Goodnight Samira.” When she releases him, she heads towards her room and lets him find his way out. John is about to leave before he does one last thing. 

He quietly tip-toes and enters the girls room. He sees the two sisters sound asleep, beds against opposite walls from each other. He approaches the bed. “Goodnight Hana,” he whispers, kissing her cheek. Then moves to the other bed. “Goodnight Cora,” and does the same. Outside the bedroom, he approaches the boys room. He thinks not to open it, but still whispers, “goodnight Sebi.” Then approaches the master bedroom door. “Goodnight little Lila and Aren.” He turns to leave. “I love you guys.” 

~

The next morning, John already feels oddly anxious about facing Paul. As if they don't know each other rather well. As if they weren't best mates and lovers. As if they didn't spend their youth snogging and shagging.

This is different, though. Of course it is. He no longer gets to go over to Paul's place to suck his dick like he used to. Someone else has the job now. 

Okay John, happy thoughts. Happy thoughts only. 

Here's one! Maybe Paul will like him when he sees how much Johns changed and their friendship will rekindle! 

…

Yeah, no way Paul's ever trusting him again. 

John sighs as he dresses. 

“Joinin' us today?” Ringo asks. 

“Yeah, er… yeah. Just needed a day ta… y’know. But yeah. I'll be fine.” 

Ringo offers a tight smile. “I can chat ya up to him if ya like?” 

“Please don't do that.” 

“Okay.” 

That's the kind of stuff the old, manipulative, needy John would pull. He doesn't need his best mate to trick someone he fancy's that he's a good bloke. Paul either likes him, or he doesn't, and whatever the case, John will live with it, do nothing, and shut the hell up about it. 

See? He's grown! 

They leave together and meet Stuart outside the dorms like always before walking to the class buildings. 

“So…” Ringo starts. “We've all been meetin’ in the mornin’s and fer lunch… I dunno if ya wanna--” 

“I'll join ya,” John cuts off. Oh how easy Ringo is going on him. And all because he's been babying himself. But Samira's right. No more of that. He can face this. This is not the hardest thing he's gone through since his “spiritual awakening”. 

Besides. Samira gave him homework. 

When they reach the courtyard, Paul, Denny, George, and Ivan are already there. They're talking about something, smiling. Paul is laughing, looking beautiful. John could look at that all day. 

But he doesn't. 

Wanna know why? 

Because as soon as Paul see's him, his smile drops and he looks temporarily surprised, before settling with a sort of dreaded-dissapointy look….

Uh-huh…  

…

You could just tell me ta fuck off but that works too . 

Paul's gaze avoids John's, so John doesn't push. They small-talk. Paul's trying to act social. With everyone but John, that is. He also develops some sort of protective shell over Denny, trying uselessly to shield him from John. Pointless. John doesn't pull shit like that anymore. In fact, John's not talking much at all, just like before. Just trying to feel normal amongst all this. 

“You joinin' us fer lunch?” Ivan asks.

John watches as Paul's looking down, but can see him listening intently. “I'll be there.” 

“We missed ya yesterday,” Ivan says. 

John shrugs. “Yeah well…” is all he says, because really? Does he really need to address the obvious? I mean surely everyone knows why he wasn't there yesterday. 

Except for Denny. Who's frowning at him. Making Paul look terrified. Also, it's gotten awkwardly silent. 

Oh… 

“I get migraines,” John lies. Denny nods with a satisfied grin. Shortly after, they part. John learns a little bit about the Bhagavad Gita and its comparison to the Tripitaka in his Eastern philosophies II class. 

A few hours later, it's lunch time. 

They're all sitting together at the uni’s courtyard. They picked up their food and are enjoying the pleasant weather this time of year. 

John's sitting sort of across from Paul. Who's sitting next to Denny. Who just whispered something into Paul's ear, making him giggle. And not to be a creep, but John can't look away. Until Paul catches him, smile dying on his lips. Then looking away is not a problem. 

John awkwardly shifts in his seat. 

Well this is fun isn't it!  

He's just gonna… y’know, sit here and act like he's normal and doesn't care that the love of his life is being romanced by some other bloke in front of him. It's fine. He's fine. 

When he leaves his thoughts and looks up, he sees a familiar girl walking past their table. Ah! Bridgette. 

He offers her a meek smile, making her roll her eyes at him and saunter off. Yeah… about that…

Stuart notices and snickers at him. 

“Don't start,” he whispers, just quietly enough for him to hear. 

It's kind of a long story. 

Paul observes it all. Probably thinks it's another bird that John's pissed off by taking advantage or being cruel to her. Because, well, that's John. 

But as we already know, people change. John's changed. So, in fact, the opposite is true. 

It started last year. She started flirting with him in the halls. They didn't actually have class together. She was in a photography class with Stuart though, and needless to say, John was not interested. 

Bridgette is drop dead stunningly gorgeous, but not his type. She has beautifully long blond hair and the body of a model (which she is). She sort of looks like a Barbie. 

But that's not all. She acts like a Barbie too! 

They somehow both ended up at some frat party, John and his mates, that is. When she saw him, she tried again, but John all but dismissed her advances. 

Look! He knew what she wanted, okay. And John is not about that life. Not anymore. 

He's more like the ‘take it slow, grow together, and connect’ kinda boyfriend. 

Anyroad. When that didn't work, she drank herself senseless; which they now know was all a part of her scheme! and knowing how good and noble John is, she knew it would dig at his conscience until he made certain she got home safe. 

So great, right? Bridgette is stupidly drunk, and John's going out of his way to do the honorable thing. Well… not exactly. 

When they arrived, she ushered him in with her. And when he was satisfied with her safety and tried to leave? Well let's just say, she was not satisfied, and was not taking ‘no’ for an answer. 

She threw herself, and he means threw herself at him; he still doesn't know how she got her clothes off so fast; and nearly harassed him into staying there and, y’know… 

He didn't even know she liked him that much? 

Long story short, John wouldn't do something like that anymore, so he r-e-s-p-e-c-t-f-u-l-l-y declined, and, so… yeah. The rest is history. 

She's not too keen on him any more, you can say. 

…… 

She hates him. 

Figures. Birds like that take rejection much worse than any sort of sexual advances. 

When he side-eyes Stuart, the lad blows a raspberry laughing at him. “That's what ya get fer bein' noble,” Stuart says under his breath. Sigh. 

Noble? Did Paul hear that right? 

Being good is harder than it seems. Those two teased him for ages about that. If everyone else found out, he'd never hear the end of it. 

“So, Denny. One more day. How ya feelin'?” Ivan asks. Paul curses inside. He doesn't want John knowing when Denny leaves. 

“Eh, it's a bummer. Seems like the weeks gone by too quick. We’ll be aright though. Won't we?” He asks Paul, grinning at him. Flirtatiously. 

Gross.  

“You can visit though?” Ringo says. 

“7 hour drive, mate?” Denny asks, and they all laugh. “If the tickets weren't so high I'd fly as much as I could, y’know.” 

“The school offers discounts fer those y’know,” John suddenly chimes, getting everyone's, especially Paul's, attention, who eyeballs him, looking so unbelievably wary, you'd think he's in danger. 

Denny doesn't suspect a thing, however, and asks, “Would I be able to get one?” 

“You wouldn't, but as a student, Paul can, as long as he's the one payin’ fer the flight.” 

Now Paul's staring at him even harder, still as a rock, and terribly confused. 

Is Paul ill? Because actually, this isn't making any sense. 

“Wow,” Denny says, turning to Paul, who changes his focus. “That'd be great eh?” 

“Y-yeah… that could work,” Paul says suspiciously. Okay, John is for sure bullshitting them here. He has to be taking some sorta piss. 

Except, no one else is saying anything to counter it, so it must be true. Unless they know what he's doing and they're in on it! But Ringo wouldn't do that… and… John wouldn't do that to him . To Denny, sure, but not to Paul? 

Right? 

Paul looks like he's trying to read Russian. John sees him frowning hard at him, likely not even noticing he's doing it as he analyzes him, doubtful and suspicious. John doesn't blame him. He doesn't expect Paul to trust him, and he knows it'll be some time before he does. If he ever does. Not his job to make him though. Just his job to face him. The rest is up to the gods. 

Or whatever the fuck. 

~~

For the final day, Paul spends every free second with Denny. On his last night here, his bags are already packed and his cab to the airport is on the way. 

His luggage is at the door that he's standing in front of, embracing Paul. They smooch a couple times, before his phone chimes. 

“Cab’s here,” he says. Paul frowns. 

“Hey, it'll be alright,” Denny reassures him. He hugs him and kisses him a couple more times before Denny grabs his luggage. 

“Text me when ya land. And when ya board!” 

Denny smiles. “I will.” 

“Aright… I'll call ya tomorrow,” Paul says sadly. 

Denny kisses his cheek before turning to leave. “I'll miss ya,” he says. 

“Miss you too.” 

Then, Denny leaves Paul's dorm and he shuts the door. Paul sighs. He bites his lip in concern, preparing for all the difficulty he'll face with John. With Denny gone, Paul becomes an easy target.  

Paul sighs. This'll be the longest they've ever been apart. He isn't sure how easy this'll be to handle. It's not long before he decides to leave his dorm and explore the campus. 

~

John's just finished putting on his workout clothes when his phone rings. It's Samira. He grabs his duffel bag that he takes to the gym, hangs it on his shoulder, and takes his protein shake before answering the phone. 

“Hullo.” 

“Hi John. You're not busy, love, are you? Not in class?”  

“Not in class, no. What is it?” He starts walking to the gym. 

“Cora is upset that Hana got to see you the other day and she didn't,” Samira says. John snorts. “Hana was bragging to her that she saw you while Cora was sleeping. Now she's jealous,” she says with a humorous tone. John is laughing. 

“Is she with you?” 

“Yes, here.” 

Next, John hears the voice of a little girl. 

“Hi Jooohn,” she says, elongating his name. 

“Hi Coraaaa,” he says, mimicking her tone. He could be so playful with the little ones. 

“Um, are you gonna come over again?” Her voice is absolutely adorable. She's a little younger than Hana, and it shows in her voice. 

John smiles. “Shall I?” 

“Mom said we can invite you for dinner tonight!” 

“Oh how marvelous. I haven't eaten in weeks.” 

She laughs at the other end of the phone. “Not true!” 

“Oh yes.” 

“Nuh-uh!” 

“Yes.” 

“If you haven't then you'd be dead!” 

He laughs. “Maybe I'm a ghost…” 

“No!” 

“Muahahahaha!” He says, making a scary noise. She laughs again, then Samira takes the phone. 

“So, what do you say, John. Dinner?” 

“I just left for the gym, but I'll be there tonight!” he said. 

“Okay, we'll set an extra spot on the table,” Samira says, and John can hear her grin in her voice. He also hears little Cora celebrating in the background. Samira laughs at her. “Okay John, see you tonight.” 

“See ya! Bye,” he says before hanging up. 

The walk to the gym isn't too long. It's in the ‘common areas’ clump of the campus. There's a gym, library, study room, and cafe with exceptional coffee beverages for all the sleep deprived students. 

John also has a towel and spare clothes in his bag, feeling lucky for the showers installed in the campus gym. John spends about an hour and a half working out before he heads to the showers, and then, it'll be time for dinner! 

~

Paul finds a nice cafe filled with students studying and hanging about as he walks around.  

He orders himself a banana cinnamon latte, and walks through the halls of the common areas. He also checks out the university's libraries. It's huge, and really nice looking inside. Very dark academia like. 

He spends some time in there before stepping out and continuing his stroll. He's walking down the plaza-like halls when he spots a familiar up ahead. 

It's John. He's just stepped out of the gym up ahead. He has a big gym bag with him, and his hair is a little damp. Paul's breath hitches at the sudden sight. His stomach tightens and he feels suddenly clammy. 

Fuck! Why is John always around? And why does he always look so handsome all of a sudden?  

Okay, he didn't really think that second part…

He thinks to avoid John, but it's too late. John's looking down at his phone and walking towards him until they're all but in front of each other. Only before they would bump does he look up from his phone. 

 Paul's right in front of him. He freezes and sort of does a surprised gasp as his eyes go wide. 

“O-oh, h-hey! Paul. Hey.” 

Way to sound awkward, John! 

Because this is actually about to be the first actual conversation they've had in some three years….

Paul offers a tight lipped grin. A forced one. He doesn't look pleased. John gets temporarily lost in Paul's sight for a moment. 

Not just his sight. His presence. This is their first interaction alone in three years . They barely spoke since they saw each other the other day. And now here he is, in front of him. He almost feels a tear burning his eyes from nostalgia and sorrow. Why Paul looks at him with such distaste, he understands, but it kills him still. 

“Er… what're ya up to?” He asks. 

Paul avoids John's eyes, trying hard to be short and vague, unable to open up to him. He has near zero percent of trust for him right now. Especially while he's so vulnerable with Denny gone, and feeling alone. He doesn't trust whatever John might want from him. 

He takes in a deep breath. “Er, nothin',” he says. Even when looking down, he can already see the scheming going on in John's eyes. When he raises them, however, John doesn't look like that at all. Paul frowns. John looks concerned, if anything. Almost guilty for intruding on him. His eyes look warm and soft. No scheming there at all. It makes Paul soften. Not to mention the way John just looks sad…

“You er… you comin' from the gym?” Paul asks. And avoids ogling his fit form. He swears every t-shirt looks way too tight on the man's muscular body! 

“Oh, aye. Just worked out an’ showered. What're ya up to?” John asks. 

“Just… decided ta take a walk. See out the campus,” Paul says. 

“Hm. Quite a bit ta do here if ya scope the right places” John says, internally freaking out because they're actually having an actual conversation! But mostly relieved that he's got Paul talking. Then he observes Paul's somber. “Everythin’ aright?” He asks. Paul only looks away, avoiding him. He knows John would push it out of him, and he still doesn't want him to know about Denny. 

John chuckles, which is the last reaction Paul expects. Especially when he says, “s’okay. Ya don't hafta tell me,” getting Paul's attention. 

Paul snaps his eyes at him, frowning and blinking. John doesn't tease though. It's not a game or a ploy to get Paul to spill. He… he's really okay with this? Oh… 

Paul doesn't realize how blatantly he's staring, trying to figure John out. John means it, that much is clear… Finally, he looks forward again. 

Paul sighs, doesn't know what comes over him-- this is a stupid idea!-- “Denny left ta-night.”  

“Oh. Sorry ‘bout that. Real bummer, that. Seriously, mate,” John says, shocking Paul. 

So his ex-boyfriend means to tell him that he's sorry and that it's a ‘real bummer' that his current boyfriend just flew out of town and will be away for… indefinitely except for a few, occasional visits? 

Paul looks at him and see's John frowning sympathetically at him. Paul blinks. “Y-yeah. Yeah. Er… it is.” Okay… is he hearing this right? 

Why isn't John…. Why… what?  

He supposes Johns… matured…. ?

Well, he still doesn't know about that; if John was being genuine before. 

“Hey, er… y’know how ya brought up students gettin' that discount on flights?” Paul asks. John nods. “Is that… a real thing?” This time, John frowns. “I mean… you weren't makin' that up?” 

John chuckles, making Paul smile, reluctantly, despite how much he wishes he held it back. That's the sound of John's laugh alright. Now he's straight faced again. 

“It's real,” John assures. “We use it all the time. Honest,” John adds, still sort of chuckling. He just finds it funny how Paul would suspect such a thing because he's spot on . John's the one, if anyone, to have pulled such crap like that. Paul nods this time, feeling happy and hopeful about his and Denny's relationship. 

“Yeah, er… I can help ya with it if ya need?” John suggests. Paul looks at him suspectedly. Like he doesn't know why John's offering to help, and there must be something at the other end he can benefit from. 

Like getting in Paul's pants, to put it lightly. 

Right. 

“Er… I'll manage… thanks,” he almost forgets to say. John smiles at him. No smirk, no cocky grin, nothing flirtatious, mischievous, or coy like John's regular self. Just a genuine, sweet, simple smile… 

Paul feels a sudden, familiar but very long ago warmth spread in his tummy. He subsides it, instead frowning at John, trying desperately to understand his senses here. He doesn't know why John starts laughing at him again.

John is so absent of ego, people don't know what to do with his authenticity. Not at first, at least. For some, not ever. But those are usually the people who lack authenticity of their own. They would've gotten along great with teen John. 

Paul half expects him to make some evil joke, or worse, make some sexual move at the news. But nope. Nothing like that. Just sympathy and a good mate? 

Well that's normal!  

Especially with how uncomfortable and vulnerable Paul is right now, this is the time John would normally pounce. Paul hates to think it, but with right timing like now, it might've even worked. He forgot how hard it is to resist John. Paul used all the might in him to do so during their break up. 

“Hey er… can I… maybe… ask ya fer somethin'?” John suddenly asks. 

Uh-oh. There it is. 

If Paul isn't so suspicious, he'd see the clear self consciousness and nervousness that appears within John. Paul only shows a look of weary. 

“Er… what is it?” 

“Can I…. give ya a…. hug?” He finally asks, sounding innocent, looking timid, and self consciousness in his voice. 

Paul blinks at him. 

John nervously bites his lip as he awaits Paul’s reaction. He knows it’s unwarranted and an odd thing to ask of-- he knows-- but Christ, he can’t help but ask! Paul’s in front of him and having an actual conversation with him for the first time in years, and he’s desperate over here. Besides, is it really such a horrible thing to ask for?

At Paul’s silence, John adds, “just like… a greetin’ thing. I mean, we haven’t seen each other, and…” trailing off but going nowhere, evidently nervous and fearing rejection more than ever before. 

“Oh… okay. No yeah. Er… sure.” That's it?  

Unless…

Paul wonders if this is his opportunity to try and kiss him, or trick him some way. Or seduce him somehow. 

But then he remembers the other side of the man he's speaking to, only now realizing that John’s asking like his life depends on it, and likely wouldn’t dare ask otherwise. 

It reminds Paul of how nervous John would be around him when they first started getting on… romantically, before they got familiar with it all and John tapped into his regular bold self then. 

A hug. That’s John aright. 

They barely shared a greeting since seeing each other, and a proper one is well overdo considering how close they really are. I mean… they were best mates! You don't just forget about that. Paul thinks it's sweet for John to ask and finds himself unable to resist even if he wants to. Not that he wants to… Feeling John up close again after all this time apart sounds pleasant. And a hug would warrant that. Besides, if he knows John -- and he knows John-- the lad’s just about dying for that hug. 

“Aye?” John double checks, just to make sure, excitement and relief in his voice, and somehow, it gets Paul to soften. 

Paul nods again with an “aye,” guard suddenly lowered, before letting John embrace him. 

Paul dismisses the feeling of warmth that arouses in him. But not just warmth due to the pleasantness of another, but a familiar type of warmth. 

Yes. Definitely John. 

Paul wants to reason why John is able to be so vulnerable with him. John was never able to open up vulnerably before, at least not unless he was in the most private and intimate of conditions. But now, John is swallowing him into it, and Paul's only left wondering why it's working. 

The hug feels like it's going on for way too long, and they awkwardly dispart. John doesn't look awkward though. He just looks happy and pleased. Paul’s waiting for the punch, but there isn’t any. John’s not playing tricks or games. He just really-- really-- wanted that hug. 

And that’s it. 

John’s smiling at him, mostly with a look of relief, like he’s been dying of thirst and just had his first sip of water in months. 

Yeah. Talk about years . 

That’s Paul to him, you could say. Paul’s his water. 

”Aright well, I should get goin'. Got somewhere ta be. Gonna be aright?” John checks before leaving. 

Paul takes a confused moment before answering. “Definitely.” 

John smiles. “Take it easy though, yeah. I'll see ya tomorrow,” he says, offering Paul a gentle pat on his shoulder. 

… 

What?

John's already scurrying off. Going to his secret ‘somewhere to be’. 

Okay… 

That was weird….

~

John frantically gelled his hair and brushed it back, creating a quiff at the front. He examined it in the mirror, noticing the obvious result of rushed work. 

“Shite!” 

He brushed it forward again as a type of ‘reset’ before running the sink water and splashing it in, trying again. 

This time, his hair was too wet and just drooped over, looking greasy in a dirty and gross way. Hell, he looked like a wet dog!

Then there was a knock on his front door. 

“Fuck,” he said to himself, quickly grabbing a towel and brushing his hair out with it. He knew he was about to see Paul, and would do anything not to look like a used up mop! 

He examined with panic the look in the mirror and tried desperately to just brush it back, before there was a second knock. He grunted begrudgingly and headed for the door. 

And there he was. Soft locks, pouty lips, big eyes Paul. 

“Er hey,” he greeted. 

“Hey,” Paul said, awkwardly stepping in. They met one mere month ago, and they almost always saw each other only in groups. 

But, y’know, music is very important, and John needed a writing buddy, and the others would just distract them, so he just thought why not invite Paul alone, so… yeah. 

“Did ya just get outta the shower?” Paul asked. 

“Er…. Yeah,” John lied.  

John made room for Paul to enter, both boys trying to behave casually while wondering if they should bring up the fact that they kissed the other day. And the day after that. 

This was the next day they're seeing each other since. 

“I er, brought me notebook this time,” Paul told him. 

John nodded approvingly. “Right. Good.” He looked at Paul, who's just awaiting him. Right. “Upstairs?” 

Paul nodded and they headed up. 

Christ, John can't remember the last time he's been so nervous about someone before.

Oh, right. Never. 

Paul stepped in after John, who was already facing him, and shut the door. 

“So…” Paul started, staring at a blank John. 

There was little time for John's brain to reason how he should approach this; casually, abruptly, or not at all (definitely not that); because his desire is set on one thing far too strong for contemplation and he had just enough willpower to not even care about rejection at this point, because it's been four days. Four whole days since he's last seen the lad, left with a desire, thinking of him, missing him, and burning for when he'd have him to himself again. 

And yes, he does mean to himself in a possesive way. 

So instead of saying anything, he went for it. He sprung at Paul wordlessly, hands targeting Paul's waist, and lips targeting Paul's own until they were kissing. 

Still, he felt a swell of domineering pride at the way Paul moaned and griped him back, almost as if to say, ‘yes, whatever you're doing, I want it, keep going’ and John did. 

They kissed in the most feverish way Johns ever kissed anyone. He's never wanted his hands on somebody so badly. 

He was just grateful he was getting him now. John could see Paul's eagerness in response and didn't dwelve long on the idea that Paul was too, secretly thanking the gods and likely thinking ‘yes! Finally! Thank God!’ if his reciprocity was anything to go by. 

Paul held Johns face, staying close and chasing after as John backed up onto his bed, taking Paul with him.

“Haven't been able to stop thinkin’ ‘bout it,” John mumbled against Paul's lips as they kissed, making Paul moan in arousal. “When we kissed. Been wantin’ ta get me hands on ya since. Fuck! Yer such a tease!” John moaned. 

“‘M not a tease!” Paul protested, suddenly begrudged, but still participating. John grinned at that. He was getting rather used to Paul’s protesting and stubbornness, and starting to get fond of it. 

John decided to play around still. “Mm? What are ya then?” He asked in a teasing voice that was also playful. He maneuvered them around so Paul was lying on his back, and he was on top. 

Paul chuckled this time. “I'm not anythin’! Would ya just shut up!” He said, but was still chuckling at him. John laughed too, and hummed as he kissed him again. 

He lowered his lips to the lads throat, making Paul moan as his eyes rolled back. John licked and sucked at his neck leisurely, enjoying doing it on account that Paul was enjoying him doing it. 

He sank his body between Paul's and used his hands to lift Paul's legs and wrap them around his hips. Groin to groin, he thrust his hips forward, grinding against Paul's dicks. 

Paul moaned loudly, almost gasping at the sudden sensation that stroked through his entire body. “Woah. Fuck. What the fuck!” 

John grinned proudly against the lads neck; always good when you get them surprised; and kept doing it, hearing over and over how Paul moaned in response. He used his hands to snake around Paul's back, one floating to his hair, and one sliding across his spine as he scratched with both. 

Paul moaned, hands trying to grip something as he rocked against the movement. His dick felt like it was on fire. It all felt so good. He wasn't sure if it was because he was with a bloke, or just because he was with John, but feeling his body on top and that press from his groin made him dizzy with pleasure. 

That hadn't gone this far the first two times they kissed. It looked like it was happening now, however. Paul wanted more so bad, but there was a question pegging his mind. 

He pressed his hands on John's chest, stuck between pushing him away and stroking his firm chest. It was all so different with him than being with a bird. He can't believe how much he loves when John takes charge, only for Paul to follow along with. 

John kissed his lips again. “Mm, wait. John wait.” 

John stopped and looked down at him. He had a curious frown on his face. 

“Have you… ever done this sorta thing with a bloke?” Paul asked. 

“Yeah.” 

“You have?!” Paul asked, not sure why he was expecting otherwise. John was more experienced than him in a thing or two. 

“Yeah,” John repeated, this time sounding more amused. If he was honest, Paul was actually kind of adorable at times. “You haven't?” he asked, mostly amusedly rather than with judgement. 

Paul broke their eye contact shyly. “Well… not like this… no. I mean, like kissin’ an’ stuff, but… thats all,” Paul tells him, self conscious at revealing his inexperience. 

“Aww, is our Paulie nervous for his first time?” John teased, pinching his cheek. Paul swatted his hand away. 

“Quit it!” 

John just found it cute though, and chuckled at him as he cupped the lads head and pulled him into a kiss. He lowered his body so it was flat against Paul's, not leaving any air space between them, and getting Paul to moan. 

“Are ya saying ya hate it an’ want ta stop?” John mumbled against his lips. 

“Nuh-uh. No. Definitely not,” Paul moaned around John's own. John grinned and picked up the grind of his hips. Paul broke their kiss to moan. 

John kept at it, speeding up as Paul's breathing picked up and he wrapped his legs around John's waist. His moans were growing too. 

Fuck he sounded so fucking hot like this! 

When Paul couldn't hold back anymore and came, John snuck a peak his way and watched the way his face molded in pleasure. 

John didn't expect the way it would make him come too, orgasm hitting him by surprise as he watched and his hips thrust sporadically. 

Paul moaned as John's dick twitched against him as he rode out his orgasm before he collapsed on the younger lad. The feeling of satisfaction and pride remained in his body. 

This is the first time they got each other off. Even though it wasn't much. Fuck it was hot though!! 

John raised his head to kiss Paul a bit. Paul hummed and obliged. 

It was sort of different with Paul. John was used to withholding romance, affection even. He never cared for it much. With Paul, it seemed he couldn't get enough of him. Even after getting each other off. Like… what more could he want from him right now? 

John wasn't sure, but whatever it was, he wanted it alright. He wanted Paul bad. And just like that, their little relationship took off.

~

When John knocks on Samira's front door, he hears a noisy ruckus at the other end. It's slowly opened by a little girl who matches the height of the door knob, next to another little girl who's shorter than it, hustling over who will greet John first. Hana and Cora, that is.

John smiles as he crouches down to greet them. They are sort of fighting over who gets to hug him first, bickering with one another. 

Sebi is running around the house pretending he's some kind of ninja, and Lila is crying as her mother tries to soothe her. The only quiet one is Aren, who must've taken after his father's gentle state as he sits on his high chair, munching on bread. It's a completely different setting than the last time he was here and how hushed it was. This is what he's more used to.

John hugs them both and as the girls start fighting, he picks up Cora and dangles her in the air as he walks to the table, leaving her and her sister laughing. 

“Okay! John is here! Let's eat! Sebi!” Samira yells, a bit manic from all the chaos. It's odd that a woman who's mastered inner peace would choose a life so hectic and chaotic. Balance? John supposes. Besides, she seems to enjoy it. 

Sebi is still running around however. He's a three year old boy with lots of energy to spend. 

He launches to the table, grabs two thinly sliced cucumbers and hollers, “John look! I'm a walrus!” Before putting them under his upper lips like teeth. 

“Sebi!” His father calls warningly, as he brings a large, hot pot to the table. But John is intrigued. He grabs a fork and a knife from the table and says, “look, I'm a bigger walrus,” before doing the same. All the children break out into laughter. 

“John!” Samira yells, as if he were one of her children. 

“Aright, aright, c’mone. Let's sit,” John says, helping the parents, who are still tending to a crying toddler. 

With Johns encouragement, the three eldest children sit at the table and John helps pour them food while Baron and Samira go to the two high chairs, and put Lila in the empty one. 

One large pot just has rice, cooked to the brim, and another wide pan has cubed meat stewed with caramelized veggies, all mixed in and cooked for many hours until tender. 

John's never tried this kind of cuisine from anywhere else before. But he's been here so many times now that he grew used to it, and rather fond of it. It's his new familiar, and he loves it. It all makes him feel more at home. 

“She is still crying, Samira?” Baron asks with a concerned frown. 

Samira tuts in frustration. “I think she needs to chew on something,” she says. She puts a small portion of meat in Lila’s little baby plate and puts it on her table. She takes a piece and feeds it to her. Lila chews it the best she can with her minimal teeth, letting the food massage her gums, and slowly stops crying. 

“There,” Samira says with a delighted smile, before kissing Lila's cheek. 

“Still teething?” John asks as Samira observes her baby. 

“Yes. They're barely starting to show. Aren’s have already come out.” She strokes Lila's cheek lovingly. “Okay! Shall we… Oh, looks like you guys have already started,” she says with a grin. Baron hasn't though. 

He's waiting for her, and takes her hand as they both close their eyes and whisper a blessing. Then they begin eating. And that's dinner. It's loud for the rest of the night. It always is, except during hours of sleep. Chaotic and playful too. 

After dinner, they empty the table and replace it with hot tea. When the more adult conversations start, the children part ways to entertain themselves. The noise is still there, just in the background. 

Samira asks about Paul, and if John took her advice. He told her he did, it was fine, but Paul wasn't very thrilled on seeing him, and that he was still avoiding the daylights out of John. 

“Have patience, John,” she tells him. “No need to rush into anything. And do not excuse his discomfort. You're a student like him, and you share a group of friends. He will have to live with you being around whether you can help it or not.” 

John nods. “S'pose. I just kinda wanna keep me distance, y’know. Give him his space.” 

“Nothing wrong with that.” 

Great. He can do this. 

~~ 

So John takes it slow. He discovers that with Denny gone, Paul is very keen on keeping his distance. But John doesn't push. 

It shouldn't be all that shocking. Paul's still with Denny, after all. It doesn't bother John, mostly. 

Except the time he caught Paul and Ringo (who have been wonderfully catching up and rubbing it in John's face) in the halls. 

“Oh perfect!” Ringo says when he sees John. “Paul an’ I were just talkin' ‘about the new cafe just opened on campus. We're headed there now. Organic an’ all. Totally yer ally!” 

“Sounds great,” John says, relieved that Paul will see him in some normal, lighthearted scenery. That should help, right? 

Wrong! 

“You guys go ahead,” Paul suddenly says. 

Ringo frowns at him. “You don't wanna go?” 

Paul bites his lip. “Oh no, er… just… I got some stuff to get done. Y’know, homework an’ all.” 

Uh-huh.  

At their silence, Paul goes on, “Ya lads have fun though,” he says before separating from them and leaving. 

Great. 

John curses himself and drops his head. 

“Er… Sorry, John,” Ringo says guiltily. 

“He hates me.” 

“He doesn't hate you.” 

John glares at him. 

“Maybe he's just scared of ya?” 

“How's that better?!”

“Do you… still wanna go?” Ringo asks, making John glare at him again. “They have grass-fed burgers,” he coaxes. 

John's sort of pouting as he nods, looking like a child. Ringo pats his back as they go. 

Okay. John gets the message. Loud and clear. 

After that, he doesn't even bother hanging around Paul again. He leaves him alone and stays out of his space. 

He doesn't even realize how much Paul appreciates it. 

~~

Paul's been rather enjoying catching up with his old mate. Especially when George is busy, like now. 

It's not hard for them to start getting on again. Paul tells him how he and Denny met. Ringo tells him about the summer he spent in Hamburg. 

“Vegan?” Paul asks. 

“Aye. I heard it's really healthy!” Ringo defends. 

“I dunno mate. I thought about bein' vegetarian, but it's too hard,” Paul laughs. “You’d be mad fer that.” 

“Don't tell me. I already heard it from John. All he eats is meat and protein shakes.” 

“Really?” Paul asks, which Ringo nods to. “That must be why he's so… y’know… like--” 

“Muscular? Yeah, you can say it. We know!” Ringo says, laughing. Paul laughs too. He never thought in a million years he'd be saying that about John Lennon. 

Their laughter dies and Paul gets distracted in thought. 

“How er… how is he, by the way. John?” 

“He's aright. Good, that is,” Ringo says. Paul nods. “How ya feelin'. Bein' here with him an’ all?” 

“Yeah, aright. I mean it's really weird… I mean it's John. We have a huge history… but… I dunno. It's weird. We used to be so close. Now I feel like we can't be anymore.”

“Hm. I know John's been a bit shaken,” Ringo tells him. 

“Has he? Doesn't show.” 

“Aye. He's been tryin' ta give ya yer space.” 

“Oh. He… I didn't know that. I mean he doesn't press like he used to. I was wonderin' ‘bout that.”

“Aye. He won't,” Ringo tells him. Paul isn't convinced yet though. 

“I was kinda worried ‘bout that. John bein' around Denny. Or John knowin’ Denny's back home, y’know.” 

Ringo laughs. “Ya got nothin’ ta worry ‘bout, mate.” 

“I dunno. It's John.” 

“I know.” 

“I was kinda wonderin'... ‘bout John, I mean… you think you could… keep an eye on him. Make sure he won't get inta any trouble with me?” 

“I promise I won't need to.” 

“Ringo… it's John… I mean you've met John, right? Ya know who 'm talkin’ about?” 

Ringo just smiles. “Trust me. He won't do anythin'.” 

Paul frowns at that, eyebrow suspiciously raised as he tries to figure out why nothing's making sense lately. And why everyone keeps laughing at his confusion. When he drove to USC, did he accidentally take the route to Narnia?

A part of him wants to brush Ringo off, tell him he knows John better than anyone (used to be true) and that he doesn't know what he's talking about. But he sees how serious and certain Ringo is. Besides, Ringo knows John too. But there's no doubt in his tone, and he's speaking as if he's an expert, so Paul is forced to believe him. 

“Why?” Paul suddenly asks. 

Ringo knows there's not much use to explaining it right now. John used to be a master manipulator, and Paul was one of his greatest victims. 

“You haven't talked ta him at all have ya? I mean, really?” 

“Maybe a bit. We ran inta each other the other day. When he was leavin’ the gym.” 

“How did he seem?” 

“Weird… I mean… calm. Surprisingly easy ta talk to… an’.... nice.” 

“Mhm,” is all Ringo says, smiling at him knowingly. It won't be long before Paul discovers on his own time. 

“C’mone, mate, what're ya tryn' ta say here! I mean, it's John! John Lennon! I've known the lad fer years! Are ya really gonna try an’ tell me he's ‘changed’? I know the bloke too well,” Paul says.

Ringo shrugs. “I didn't say anythin'. Except that’ya have nothin' ta worry about. Which is true.” 

Paul frowns as he thinks. Nothing's adding up here. The way John's been acting, and Ringo talking about him… it doesn't make sense. It doesn't match the John he knows. His brain isn't ready to see John any different, though. Once again, his senses confuse him. 

“Can I ask ya somethin' else?” Paul asks. Ringo nods at him. “The other day when we were sitting fer lunch… John and his mate, Stuart, they were talkin' and this bird walked by. A pretty blonde one. Like really pretty. She gave him a look and his mate made a joke about… him bein' noble? And then I heard John tell him ‘not ta start’.” 

Ringo laughs, interrupting Paul, and knowing exactly what that's about. “Aye. Bridgette.” 

“What was that ‘bout?” 

Ringo only laughs again. Because 1. John would kill him for telling anyone about that. Let alone Paul. And 2. There's no chance in hell Paul would believe it anyway. 

“It's er… it's nothing.” 

“Did John do somethin’ t’her?” 

Ringo only laughs more. Do something! The only thing John did was put her clothes back on and run off.

Paul frowns at being laughed at but not knowing why again!  

Noble is putting it lightly. And nothing will ever be funnier than her hating him for it! 

But that's John. He's that kind of good. And another kind of good he is, is not exposing her even after she gives him all this shit for it. In reality, she should be grateful he was looking out for her like that. And for keeping it so secret. The only reason Ringo and Stuart know is because John poured it out on them during the time of distress. And yes, it was funny then too.  

“What's so funny?” Paul asks when Ringo keeps laughing instead of responding. 

“Look, I really can't tell ya mate. No, I mean. N-no,” he says in a laugh. “He didn't do anythin' ta her. You'll… you'll just hafta ask him.” 

“Wha-- ask John?”  

Ringo nods. 

“No way! We don't talk like tha’ anymore!” 

“Shame, that. Really is. John thinks so too. We all do.” 

Paul snarls. What, he's the bad guy now for avoiding the manipulative dick that might end his current relationship with a normal bloke that he very much enjoys?? 

“How many times do I hafta tell ya, it's John?! I mean seriously mate, that's in the past, yeah. I've moved on. John needs to too.” 

Ringo tuts and shakes his head. “He has moved on… it’s-- that isn't what I meant… it's just…” 

Paul's frowning, and the reality that he's definitely missing something here is starting to sink in. 

“I just meant that… it’s sad. Seein’ yer friendship end. That's all,” Ringo says.

“Well… maybe so. But nobody expected this. Us ta run in ta each other like this.” 

Ringo puffs his cheeks as he sighs and shakes his head. “No. We definitely didn't.” 

Eventually, Ringo leaves, leaving Paul with his thoughts. His very confused, ungrasping thoughts. 

Is Paul missing something here? 

Yes! Apparently!  

Although he doesn't know what. All he knows about John is the following: 

-He was nice to Denny (more than once!) 

-He didn't make Paul share whatever was upsetting him that first time they ran into each other. In fact, he said “ya don't hafta tell me” (which… what's up with that?)

-He is apparently giving Paul space, by choice! 

-Ringo seems convinced that he is now able to be trusted…  ?

-And above all, he's been nothing but easy to talk to. 

It…it is John, right? 

Is Paul seeing things? Is this a dream? 

Is he hallucinating again? 

He hasn't taken shrooms in years, so that shouldn't be it. 

He doesn't think there's anything that could make this make sense. 

He absentmindedly enters the campus library as he thinks. 

At the entrance, he bumps into somebody at the door, and guess who it is? 

Ding ding ding! 

It's John. Aka, the man he was sitting just drilling info about out of their mate. And who he was just thinking about. A little too much. 

“Shit, sorry--” 

“Oh. John.” 

“Oh… Paul, hey.” 

Paul smiles awkwardly. “Hey.” He sees the book Johns holding in his hand with a receipt sticking out of it. It says “Stoicism” in big letters, and then “Mastering Discipline and Meditation.” 

Weird… doesn't seem like a John kinda book. Paul figures he probably needs it for class. Paul thinks he's in some philosophy class. Yeah. That must be what it's for. 

When it gets more awkward, Paul decides to small talk-- for some reason?-- and says, “I keep bumpin’ inta ya,” in a lighthearted, joke-y tone. Seriously? 

John lets out a mini laugh-- that which resembles a pity laugh , Paul thinks -- looks up in thought and goes, “might be becos ya keep avoidin' me,” grinning. 

Paul's face drops, cheeks heating in exposure and sudden vulnerability. “I… n-no… I’m not… I wasn't…” 

John laughs, interrupting him, and says, “Right… It's okay. I don't blame ya. Don't worry. I er…  won't bug ya or nothin’.” 

“I… oh…. Huh?” 

Wait what! 

‘Not bugging someone’ sounds like the opposite of John. 

“I'll er… get outta yer way, then. Er… good t’see ya,” John say's, before walking around Paul's body, which is stuck in its place as it stares him down in disbelief. 

Despite John being completely right, and Paul wanting nothing more than to be away from him-- like, as far away as possible-- John's absence suddenly comes too quickly and feels too empty. It's like he's a magnet, one second pushing Paul away, until the flip is switched, and the space suddenly draws Paul in. 

“Wait,” Paul says. John stops and turns to him, frowning. “Er… actually, ya think ya could… help me find a book?” 

“Oh. Sure. What kinda book?” 

“It's the book fer me Humanitarianism class. I didn't wanna pay fer it,” Paul says, showing John the front cover on his phone. “Ya think they'll have one in here?” 

“Definitely,” John says. “C’mere. I know this place like the back o’ me hand.” It's true. John's always in here. 

John takes them to an aisle that seems to have all sorts of textbooks in it. 

“Still love readin’?” Paul asks, fondly remembering; John was always so peaceful and gentle when he had his nose in a book; as he watches John with a smile, who's scanning the bookshelf. 

“Some things don't change,” John says with a grin before regaining his attention. 

Paul follows as John searches. “Hey uh… what happened with… you an' Bridgette?” He suddenly brings up, making John raise an eyebrow and stare at him.

“Huh.” 

“Ringo told me. He also told me ta ask ya ‘bout that.” 

“Oh,” John chuckles. “That.” 

“Yeah. That.” Paul says, and holds back from bringing up the rest of the conversation he and Ringo had about him and asking him what's going on that he doesn't know. 

John's attention is back on the bookshelf as he scans each book. “Kind of a long story…” 

“He sort of kept laughing when I brought it up.” 

“That bastard,” John whispers, mostly to himself. And then bingo. “Some stories are best left untold,” he says, pulling the book out. “There ya go,” he says with a grin. 

“Cheers.” 

“Anythin’ else yer highness requires?” John asks, standing right in front of Paul and catching his eyes, and contrary to what he expected, Paul's incredibly comfortable with their closeness.

There's the John I know Paul thinks as a smile breaks out on his face. Except, this one is much…. gentler than the one he remembers. 

He thinks this is the first time he's got a good look of John's eyes since uni. It's messing with his feelings. 

Paul lightly hits his arm with the book, smiling with a sudden warmth in his belly. Suddenly, he's feeling a strong sense of familiarity. “That'll be all.” 

John smiles back. He looks happy and delighted. And a little… relieved? Paul's sure facing him can't be easy for John. Paul sighs and looks down. 

“Good. I'll see ya later then,” John says, before urgently adding “or I won't!” With a goofy grin. “Y’know. Whatev’r ya want.” 

Paul snorts. Okay John…  

Then he's scurrying off, leaving Paul to watch behind, smiling fondly. 

Since when is John so…. Generous? 

~~ 

No, John is not going to tell Paul about Bridgette, thank you very much. And it's not that it's a bad story. Not like he did anything wrong. But he has plenty of other reasons! 

Like 1. He gets enough shit for it from his mates as is

2. Doing something like that for a bloke this age is questionable and strange 
3. For Bridgette's sake. I mean, come on here.    
4. And most importantly… it wouldn't make any sense. Paul wouldn't get it. He'd think he's being fed crap, okay. 

So no need for bringing something so meaningless up. No one else is gonna find out about it, and that's that! 

….

Oh, if John could control the universe… 

About a week later, his hopes and dreams flushed down the toilet when he ran into her again. In front of everybody.  

Yes, she was pissed again. Yes it was very awkward. And yes, they laughed at him. Ringo and Stuart, that is. The others just waited, dying of anticipation. Paul most of all, who was not going to let it go this time. 

Fuck.  

All he did was leave to get a napkin. Before he knows it, he's bumping into that same attractive blonde with adorable doe eyes and long, luscious hair. 

“Oh. Bridgette,” he says, offering a gentle, almost apologetic, smile. “Hey. H-how’s it… going?” Paul can see how awkward John is towards her. Nervous even. 

Did… did John fancy her or something? Was that the big secret??

She stops in her tracks, looks him up and down before scoffing and rolling her eyes, and continuing her path, scurrying off. 

Right…  

John sits down defeatedly as Stuart and Ringo start laughing at him. The others have the urge to join them, but their eyes bounce around each other in confusion. 

“Who was that?” Ivan asked with an expecting grin on his lips. She's quite beautiful. Paul wonders if she and John have some sort of history. (Well of course they do! That part’s obvious). Is she… John's ex? She's gorgeous! He can't imagine a bird like her going for John. Except that this older John is incredibly… well, hot. 

Stuart and Ringo are still laughing before they have a chance to explain themselves. John looks fed up with the both of them.  

“Don't!” John warns, but his mates are laughing and far too eager, and their self control plummets. 

“She hates John becos he rejected her!” Stuart blurts. Everyone's eyes widen at him as John sighs. Except Ringo's, who is laughing along. Oh why, just why, did Paul have to find out about this?m 

Stuart continues his explanation. “A little while back, she invited him to some house party. She was tryin’ ta shag but he wouldn't make a move,” Stuart starts. 

“Because I didn't fancy her!” John defends, seemingly not for the first time and being tired of hearing this. 

Ringo fills in. “So she pretended ta be so pissed drunk so John would take her home.” He's still laughing. 

Stuart takes over again. “When they got there, she practically threw herself at John and he-- he rejected her!” Stuart says, howling in laughter. 

Ivan's, George's and Paul's eyes all widen at the news. She threw herself at John, and he rejected her! Are they hearing this right? 

“I didn't reject her! I just… stopped… whatever was gonna happen,” John says, trying to sound innocent. He doesn't understand what all this hype is about! 

Paul chuckles in disbelief. Why would he do that? She's absolutely gorgeous! 

“Is somethin' wrong with yer dick?” Ivan asks. It should've been funny, but he sounded way too serious asking, as if that was the only explanation to this. Paul laughs. 

John grimaces. “What! No! Nothin's wrong with-- my dick works fine, thank you very much!” 

“Then… Why?!” Ivan asks. 

John shrugs. “I didn't… like her that way an’ I… didn't wanna… I dunno, lead her on. Just… tryin' ta do the right thing!” He defended. 

Ringo and Stuart are still howling in laughter. 

Part of Paul is laughing at John's misery, but the other is staring wide eyed and shocked at John. Since when does John care about doing the right thing? A lot’s changed since highschool, that's for sure.

“Aye, she didn't see it that way,” Ringo says, making them laugh harder. 

They calm down a little and Stuart says, “John's like the good kinda bloke who always does the right thing, and it just always kicks him in the arse!” The two are chuckling at him again. 

Paul frowns. 

John?

Always does the right thing??? 

Paul can't make heads or tails of the ‘John’ they're referring to. He examines him as everyone takes the piss out on him, just sitting there, acting even. 

A part of Paul admires his humility. If it's true, that is. He never remembers John being the kind of bloke that took his mates laughing at him so well. But now, it seems not to even phase him. 

And… is that really how it went with that bird?  

It… it must've. Why else would she be so cross? And the look on John's face. He definitely looks guilty of that. Like he feels a bit bad, but also very confused at what else he could've done to ease the situation. Paul chuckles at that. It's kind of cute… seeing him like this. Caring towards others, yet still being teased for it. 

But wait! Is Paul understanding this correctly? John really rejected a bird; and not just any bird, but one who could probably pass as a model; because he didn't want to lead her on? 

Even Paul wouldn't control himself like that. 

He examines John again, this time, eyebrows furrowed, almost as if he's concentrating. John really chose looking out for a bird over getting some? And an easy some, if what they said about her throwing herself at him is true. 

Is he… really that good?

John catches Paul staring him down, but doesn't respond to it. He must already be sensing Paul's confusion here. 

Now Paul's remembering his conversation with Ringo, and how he didn't say much, other than Paul had nothing to worry about with John. 

Then, his interaction with John at the library, and how good John was to him then. 

Okay, there's something Paul's missing, that much is clear. But what? John's… good now? Or maybe… maybe he's just matured. People grow up after highschool anyroad.

…

But he really rejected a bird that gorgeous?!?! How…. How is that even possible?  

Oh! He's got it! Maybe he's gayer than he was in highschool. Like ‘not into birds anymore’ gay.

…..

“She looks like she could be a model,” George says, voicing Paul's thoughts. 

“She is,” Sturt and Ringo say simultaneously, encouraging their disbelief. 

Well, there's that. 

“How could ya reject that!?” Ivan asks, pissing John off a little. She's not a ‘that’, she's a person . John knows better. But he just shrugs. It's not worth the hassle. “How did she even end up fancyin’ a bloke like you?” 

John shrugs again. 

“He was good to her,” Ringo says. 

…

… Is it just Paul, or is John starting to become hot over here? He never thought generosity could be such a turn on. 

Stuart laughs. “Aye, he musta been the only bloke to ever hold a door open fer her,” he jokes, cruelly insulting her self-esteem. 

The other three lads eyes go wide again.  

“You held a door fer her?” George asks, confused from the lack of context. 

John shrugs again, getting more defensive. “She had stuff in her hands!” 

John tries to let it go and not get pissed off, but thankfully, Ringo pats him on the back and drops it. 

“Aright, aright. Y’know we're just teasin’,” Ringo says; bless his beautiful soul.  

“Aye,” Stuart adds. “Yer a good bloke. Maybe karma will bring ya justice fer it one day.” 

John grins at that. “That's the idea,” he says, partly to himself, irritability suddenly vanishing. It makes him feel better, trusting the truth in that. 

At that, they finally drop it, and go back to normal conversation. Good thing they don't know he's celibate…

Paul's still staring at him in some look of curiosity. Less suspicion there than how Paul would stare at him before; same look of confusion; but, no, something else in that look… Something like…. admiration. 

It makes John feel all warm and fuzzy. And squirmy. This he could get used to. It's weird. Like, he feels as though he's let Paul go. But he still feeds off of his approval. 

Like he forgot what it's like… 

Forgot? Okay, when he thinks about it, he's never had Paul look at him like this before. There's no forgetting. This is a first. And it's way better than any controlling crap John's forced from him in the past. But this look… he likes this look. Definitely worth it. 

That's karma, he supposes.

~~ 

Over the next month, Paul idly observes whenever he's in John's presence, curiosity and interest piquing whenever he hears from or about the man. 

The next time he sees John, he doesn't worry about running into him. Especially considering he's had a few. 

He wouldn't say he's drunk. Just a happy, chill kind of tipsy. Relaxed, that is. It's the perfect combination for not freaking out as he runs into John through the dorm halls. 

John seems to be leaving (on his way to Samira's, that is), as Paul is returning from the pub with Ivan. It did not take long to discover that their dorms are not all too far from each other. 

They're laughing about something when they spot the other man. 

“Oi, hey John!” Ivan calls. John spots them and offers a grin. 

“Oh, hey guys. What're ya up to?” 

“Just left the pub,” Ivan says with a jolly grin.

“Ah, that's why ya lot are so happy,” John says, making the two snicker. 

“Shoulda been there,” Ivan says. 

“And see ya fallen off yer ass? Wouldn't miss it.” 

Ivan snickers again. “Oi, nothin' like that. Just havin' a drink is all. Anyway, we better get off. I still got that paper to write, shit!” Ivan curses, mostly to himself. The lads chuckle at him. “Ya ready?” He asks Paul, who swiftly glances at John before looking back. 

“Er… you go ‘head,” Paul says. John holds in a breath of excitement. Ya hear that folks, Paul said ‘go ‘head’, meaning he definitely wants to spend time with John! That's what I call progress! “I'm right here,” Paul adds, pointing ahead, where Ivan would be making a turn in the hall. 

Oh. 

Well, he could dream. 

When Ivan leaves Paul off. 

John expects Paul to leave then too, but he doesn't. He's standing there smiling at him. 

“Sounds like I missed a good time,” John says. Paul grins and nods. 

“Aye,” Paul says, distracted in thought. The more he interacts with John, the more he misses him, and the harder it is to avoid being around him. He also starts to feel guilty for it. Especially as he learns how nice John's been lately. 

There's a moment of silence before John decides to relieve him, despite how much he loves being in this lad's presence. 

“Aright, well, I'll let ya go. Take it easy, yeah?” John says.

All this time, he's been assuming the worst of him, having a huge guard, but in reality, John's not doing anything to him. He's even staying out of his way, and Paul knows he's doing it for him! 

 “Hey er,” Paul starts, getting John's attention. 

“‘M sorry I've been avoidin' ya an’ makin’ things hard. S’just, Denny-- an’ our… past. I just… I don't wanna… y’know. I--”

“Paul, seriously. It's okay. I get it,” John assures him. “Don't worry ‘bout it, yeah?” 

Paul nods, unexpectedly. He's not sure what caused him to suddenly admit all this and get vulnerable with John here. Maybe it's the booze, or maybe it's how delightful John’s been that makes Paul curious and possibly start to expect it, but whatever it is, it just comes out. 

He also feels a sudden sense of relief at John's easiness, expecting what he remembers from John, which is nothing but difficult. Paul squints at him. “What's up with you?” he asks, accusingly. 

“What?” John laughs. 

“Seriously!? Ya vanish fer three years, and suddenly yer all…. Nice?”

John laughs harder. Yup. Everything Paul's saying is 100% true. He wasn't this nice before. He wasn't nice at all before. It's relieving for Paul to finally start picking up on that. He's only been waiting for this since, like… the moment he's laid eyes on him. 

Oh, if only Paul knew the half of it. 

He shrugs. “What can I say, I grew up….” 

“Aye… I er…. I guess it's been a minute since we…” 

John chuckles. “Yeah.” He doesn't know the direction of this conversation, but he's just grateful for Paul's sudden vulnerability and desire to connect with him. 

Ever since he's seen John, Paul's been all but trying to keep his distance. Physically. But emotionally too. But despite his trying, he feels himself feeling closer to him, and now, he's feeling this strange desire to be vulnerable with him. Like reconnecting brings back such strong memories, and this sense of familiarity makes him want to launch at John. At his heart and his soul, just like he used to. 

“It's… weird. This.” 

He sees John shake his head. He remembers about him that this is how he processes things. Finally, John meets his eye, shocking grin on his face. 

“Right mad,” John says in disbelief. Even after weeks, it still blows his mind. “I… I never thought I'd see ya again! I mean, I haven't even gotten the chance to ask ya how ye’ve been!” 

Paul chuckles at that. John stops in his tracks, grips both Paul's shoulders and meets his eyes.

“Seriously… Paul. How the hell are ya?!” 

Paul chuckles. He's fighting a blush that he's blaming on the booze. “Aye, I'm aright.” He feels endeared. 

“Aye? Sure?” John asks. 

Paul nods, smiling fondly. Holy shit, what's happening to his heart over here? Memories, memories. “Really.”

John drops his arms. “Aright.” 

“I think er… we might take ya up on that offer with the discount flights. Denny an’ I,” Paul says, before instantly regretting it. If there's one thing that makes John sour, it's jealousy. 

“Aye. Good thing,” John says evenly. “Lemme know if ye’ll need any help with it. The sign ups are a bit confusing at first.” 

Paul blinks. Then he grins at John again. 

“What?” John asks. 

“Yer doin' it again.”

“Shocked?” 

“Ya can't say it's uncalled fer,” Paul jokes, making John laugh again. Then he grins, looking drunkenly jolly. “I like this John,” Paul says, and suddenly, John's entire face and his whole demeanor change. He feels like a ton of bricks just fell in him. 

Paul likes this John…. He likes this John. 

Paul likes John! 

‘Hello! Take me back then!’   

He quickly recollects himself though. It's like a part of his old self came out for a second there. The part that's desperate for Paul, provoked by those words. Paul's with Denny, and John's his mate. And a good mate, at that. 

John grins at him. “I like this John too,” he says smugly, making Paul jab his side with an elbow. John stops in his tracks. 

“Well listen, I gotta get goin'. I promised a friend I'd be over fer dinner, but I'll catch up with ya later, ya?” 

Friend? Why is John calling his mates ‘friend’? And why is he promising to see said friend for dinner? Unless! This ‘friend’ is John's secret girlfriend that no one knows about and he's going on a secret date with her! And that's why he had to reject that pretty blonde bird… 

“Friend?” Is all Paul asks. 

“It's a long story.” Yup. Definitely that. “Anyway, I better get goin'.” John turns to face him, he squeezes his shoulder. “It was good t’see ya,” he says genuinely. The touch seems so loving and familiar. It makes Paul just wish he was curled up under some blankets with the man and they were holding each other… just like they used to. 

Aright Paul. Pull it together. It's just John, and you still have a boyfriend.  

Paul offers a tight smile. “Aye, you too,” he says, ready to dispart. 

John squeezes his shoulder before departing. “See ya ‘round, Macca.”

Paul freezes in his place, grin dying off his lips as he blinks, absent of responding or moving like John, who's walking into the distance. 

Macca… John would… he used to call him that all the time. That… that was…

Woah.  

Talk about a trip down memory lane. That hit him hard. 

Paul hasn't heard that nickname in ages. John was the only one who ever called him that. 

Macca…

That memory makes him itch. 

He catches John's figure walking off in the distance, stares at it longingly. 

Macca… 

Why is hearing that name phasing him so much?!

It's like he's remembering every part of the past that came with it. All the he and John parts. 

He looks ahead again. There's John again. Come back and do all the things you and your Macca used to do together. 

A part of his brain thinks it, but not the part that's loud enough to actually hear. It's deeper than what's out on the open surface. 

Paul swallows. Then sighs. Shit . Then he heads back to his dorm. He can't believe he's thinking this, but he thinks he's starting to open up to John again.… 

~

Like last time, they all sit and have a fun, loud dinner together. John, Samira, Baron, and the kids. When that's done, John entertains the little ones for a while, giving Baron and Samira a moment to themselves. After a while, he joins the adults at the table, the sound of children playing present in the background. 

“So John,” Samira says. “How are classes? You enjoying them?” 

“Oh yeah, I like ‘em a lot. I'm in a class that talks about different levels of consciousness--  from meditation. Y’know, past “awake”. It's real interestin’ actually.” 

She hums in understanding. Knowing her, she probably already knows twice through what John is just learning about now. Hell, she's probably experienced all these different states and dimensions. John knows she was an avid meditator in her youth. Baron too. 

“Have you experienced any?” Baron asks. 

“Just a little. Like that state when yer so calm, and time sort of stops. An’ yer just there. In the present moment,” John explains. 

Samira nods. “Mhm. Referred to as the state of ‘being’ and you experience no thought. No emotion,” she says knowingly. 

“Yes! That! It felt incredible. I mean… peaceful? Like, you feel nothing, but you still feel good. It's hard to explain it after.” 

She nods again. “This is the natural state for us, you know. But people become very far away from it if they think too much.” She takes a bite of a dried fruit that's out on the table. “Which everyone does,” she adds with a shrug. 

“I wish I experienced it more often,” John says, but whatever he said must've somehow been funny because Samira and Baron both laugh. He frowns at them. 

“You negate what you say,” she says. 

Baron adds. “To ‘wish’ for something is to try. But that trying reverses your natural state. That which already is.” John nods, although he looks unsatisfied and in thought. “Keep meditating, John. It will come. When your heart and your mind find peace, then you will enter states not only of observation, but as connection and integration. You know what I mean by that?” 

“The two higher states? The ones past… ‘being’?” 

Baron nods. “That's it.” John understands the analogy but is still confused by the concept. Baron explains. “The state of observation, where you are outside of the body, unaffected by your surroundings, thoughts, or feelings. That's the one you experienced.” John nods, eyebrows furrowed in deep philosophical thought as he tries to understand the wisdom from such a sage man. “Next is the state of experience occurring through you. You are within the experience.” 

John frowns. “This is… the final stage?” 

“No. Next is the experience occurring as you,” Johns brain circuits in sudden understanding. Baron continues. “You are the experience and every experience. There's a reason we call it ‘unity consciousness’. ‘As’ you rather than ‘with’ you. Also rather than ‘beside’ you, you see?” 

“Wow… yes… it's incredible!” John pauses. “What do they feel like?” 

“Have patience,” Samira says. 

“It will come. When your heart and your mind find peace,” Baron repeats. “It's a state of equilibrium.” 

John bites his lip. “When… When will that happen?” he asks curiously, although already knowing they can't give him the answer to that. 

Baron and Samira laugh again. Sometimes, John thinks they're perfect for each other. He wonders if they might be soulmates.

“Do you… believe in soulmates?” He suddenly asks. 

Samira and Baron share a look of thought, absent of judgment. 

“I don't know,” Samira says. “Why? You think that Paul fellow is your soulmate?” 

John blinks as his brain short circuits. This time, not in understanding. “What? No!” He answers very quickly and Samira looks at him with a raised eyebrow. There's no getting anything past her. And to be frank, if John thought about it… yeah, he'd probably say Paul is his soulmate. 

“I meant-- I was talkin’ about you guys!” 

They both hum in understanding. Samira shrugs. “Maybe we're just a good match,” she says, standing up to refill her tea. 

“Or maybe, she is ardent and I am patient,” Baron says with a laugh, making her look at him from the kitchen. She is smiling too though, with a look of familiarity and admiration, and John is laughing. Baron is a very patient and humble man. Samira's patient too. But in a very different way. She's wise like him, but she doesn't share his humility. She identifies more with her righteousness. 

Baron’s funny like that. He could've insulted his wife; could've said anything; but his humility always remains. Even in the space of a joke. It's meant to poke fun, but never insult. Not to his wife, not to his children, not even to strangers. John looks up to Baron a lot. 

When Samira returns with her fresh, hot tea, she asks, “so are you having trouble? With your friend?” 

John sighs as he thinks about it. “I don't think so… I thought I'd be, but it's easier than I thought. ‘Sides, Paul an’ I were always good mates. We still sort of act like we are. I mean… different, but familiar.” Samira nods at him, pleased with what she's hearing. “I'm just tryin’ ta keep my distance emotionally, y’know. Don't wanna get too close an’ fall fer him again, even though…..” he says, before looking down.

“Even though…” she catches. 

Shit! John was hoping not to let this part out, but she's too quick for him to turn back now.

“Well. He ran in ta me ta-day, an’... we were talkin’ fer a bit an’... it was… nice. Really nice. And….” He looks down again. 

“And…?” 

John sighs, and it sounds painful. “We just had such a good time! That… closeness was comin' up and… and he said he likes the new ‘nice’ John, and y’know--” 

“You think because you've changed, that you can get him back?” 

John sighs disappointedly, starting to resemble a troubled elder. “I didn't wanna think that, but… it just made me miss him… an’ he said it himself! I didn't even hafta get it outta him! He said he likes this John! He said that! That he likes this John! Paul likes me!” John declares, not realizing how manic he's beginning to sound. Yeah… desperation does that to a person. 

“John…” is all Samira says, steady like an anchor, bringing him back. 

John blinks in realization. “I'm doin' it again, aren't I?” ‘Doing it again’ being ‘going back to my old self.’ 

John declares it all as if this fact takes the responsibility off him. Samira says nothing because she knows that he knows it doesn't. That is a meaningful lesson for him. John's someone who's experienced a lot of ‘having to get things out of people.’ He used to be controlling like that. 

“How am I gonna see him everyday if just one tiny conversation made me miss him so much? And, at that, how am I gonna stay away from him if bein' around him feels so nice?!” John whines. “Why should I hafta avoid him!?” He asks, as if he's angry at the world. 

Samira leans in, and grabs John's hand. She looks serious and established at him. “So it's not up to you to decide here, right? Some things might work out well, some not. And if he was not in a relationship, you could put yourself in a position to find out. But as long as he's choosing to remain with his partner, you must respect his decision. And, you must be aware of yourself falling back into the habit of trying to force or control the outcome of situations,” she says with much certainty. John is nodding, soaking in every wise detail she shares. “Leave it be for now. It is your wisest option.” Then she leans back into her chair, releasing his hand, demeanor suddenly casual as she continues. “Now, if you're worried that your feelings might become overpowering towards him, well, then, no, you do not have to continue to see him everyday. We can find ways for you to distance yourself out of respect for him, and for yourself. And you will be graduating at the end of the year, so whatever encounters you have, they will be temporary. Whether you will be around him or not, both will be a challenge. You can decide which is the wisest choice. But for now, we do not have to decide this yet. You are a smart, capable man. You know now what love is. You can give it to yourself too.” 

John takes in a deep breath, and let's the air fall gently from his nose. Then nods his head. He knows he's been caught in this loop before. Even with how much he's grown up, there are still moments where his past habits spring up again. But Samira is right, of course, he can contain himself. 

“Is it aright if I wanna spend time with him?” 

Samira shrugs. “Don't see why not. You can control yourself. As long as you remain conscious of where your emotions take you, you are in control,” she says. John nods again, and she smiles. “Don't overthink it, John. It's only so bad in your head, yes?” 

John nods again, this time, more loosely. 

Yup. She got that right. As always. But she reminded him before that many people had that habit too. 

The rest of the evening, he hangs out with the kids, helping them get their energy out, before helping put them all to bed. Sometimes, John thinks he is so childlike because he didn't have such a free childhood of his own, and this is the time to make up for that. 

When the kids are in bed and the lights are off, he says goodnight to Baron and Samira. She kisses his cheek and hugs him. 

“Thank you for helping with the kids tonight, John. We'll see you next time,” she says with a smile. 

John left and began walking back to his dorm. 

So… Paul? 

Yes. As long as he's aware of whatever feelings come up, he can still see Paul. If Paul will welcome it, that is. That's still up to be discovered. 

This is good news… Or recipe for a storm. 

Somehow, he's still concerned with how badly he wants to see Paul. Like it's an innate need for him. 

It's true, he'd do anything for him and Paul to be together. But don't get him wrong, he has no intention to get in the way of Paul's and Denny's relationship. 

Obviously! 

Right, because John is good now and he's all mature, and noble, and believes in karma way too much to do anything he doesn't feel is innately good. 

No, no. Nothing like that. He'd let himself get hit by a truck before ruining another's relationship for his own selfish gain. 

Really! Because karma would reward him for that! 

Paul looked happy to see him earlier today. Christ, it was so weird catching up, feeling close, but then… not as close as they used to be, even though they both remember all those times! 

John looks up at the night sky, catching the stars in the dark abyss. 

“Is this a joke?” He asks, not for the first time, attention still looking up. John huffs an angry laugh and shakes his head. “I mean I grew up! I got over him! I did what I was supposed to do… so then… why? Why is he back here again?” 

John felt a whisper of wind suddenly blow past him, as if it was the very mother nature giving him an answer. It should chill him, but it actually makes him feel warm. It's reassuring, and it makes him smile. This is one of the ways the universe speaks to him. It happens especially when he feels connected to himself. 

Some things might work out better than you think.  

He isn't sure why he thinks that; if it's from the wind, or from the stars, or from his intuition, or from God; but the words enter his brain, automatically, with no thought of his own to put them there. He smiles again, feeling suddenly grateful. He could do this. The universe gave him the answer once again. 

“Thank you,” he whispers, before walking the rest of the way in content silence.