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Chapter Text

Ranboo’s mother looked around the living room, polite expression on her dark-furred face. “So this is where Ranboo’ll be sleeping?” 

The student apartment was a mismatch of scavenged items and homemade furniture that contrasted strongly with the high quality outfits of the two enderian women standing by the door, which contrasted in turn with their children's slightly (Ranboo) or significantly (Niki) more informal clothing. Brick-and-plank bookcases lined the walls, there were plastic cups full of plants on the windowsill, and a circular wicker chair looked like it would tip you to the floor if you put weight on it. The presumed center of the room was taken up by a third-hand TV perched on an overstuffed bookshelf of even more dubious provenance, with a short couch arranged in front of it. Ranboo eyed the couch, the only place in this room he could think of for someone to sleep. He was pretty sure his legs would be sticking off the end of that. “I can bend, I think,” he said confidently.

Niki glanced sharply in his direction, eyebrows pulled together, then laughed. “I have an air mattress, Ranboo.” His piglin sister waved a hand at the room, the gesture encompassing the motley collection of furniture bordering a small kitchen and the hallway leading back to other rooms. “I figured you’d want to be here cause it’s a little more like having your own space.” She turned her attention back to him, pink hair swinging to the side as she tipped her head. “I can put you in my room if you’d rather? The roommates get up early, so you might see them, but if you stay here you won’t get the light from me reading in bed.”

“Yeah, you’re getting the whole college experience,” their Mom said, sitting in the circular chair. Her hands went out to the side for stability as it wobbled beneath her. She swore under her breath, then grinned at Ranboo. “Think you’re ready? How’s your ramen cooking?”

“I have salads in the fridge for them,” Niki cut in, at the same time as Ranboo said “I can cook ramen, I looked up some videos. And uh, the macaroni and cheese one?” They glanced at Niki. “Do you have that one?”

Niki smiled faintly at him. “Sure you can be trusted with that much cooking?”

Ranboo frowned. “It’s not like I don’t cook at home, though, I’m not completely useless.”

His sister grinned as she leaned on the doorframe. “Yeah, but you haven’t used this stove.”

Ranboo glanced in the direction of the kitchen, where electric-coil burners sat slightly askew in a chipped enamel top. He was absolutely sure that the appliance was older than he was. It might be older than his moms. “Ah,” he said intelligently. “I’ll—find a cookbook.”

His mom looked at Niki as her wife came behind her to put a dark hand on her shoulder. “Thank you again for making room while we’re gone,” his mom said. She glanced up at Niki’s other mother. “We’ll have a much better time traveling knowing that you’re together.” Despite their surroundings, they made an elegant picture, one darker enderian figure and one with pale fur, dressed exquisitely with tasteful jewelry to match. 

Niki, leaning on the doorframe, was wearing a band tshirt, fishnet armbands, and cargo pants. Ranboo still wasn’t sure if he was going to have to change to match the typical student outfit while he was staying here. Niki shrugged. “I think I can manage to spend some time with my brother.” She glanced at Ranboo, who was still keeping an eye on the stove. “Sure you won’t mind student housing, Ranboo?”

Ranboo jumped, hands going behind their back. “Oh yes,” they said guiltily. They weren’t sure if they had been doing something wrong by staring at the stove that intensely, but the potential was always there. They picked at the back of their polo shirt, looking at their moms. Mom, sitting, and Moom, standing, both looking back in their direction. “That actually made me think of something.” They cleared their throat. “Well, uh, I was looking at the map, and Tubbo is actually really close to here, where he’s staying, so it would be really convenient for us to spend time together, and not distracting, so I was wondering if…we could go on a couple dates, maybe?”

His mom’s pale eyebrow-ridges pulled together.  “I think it’s best if you stick to your school work until you graduate, Ranboo.”

“But that’s the thing,” Ranboo cut back in a little too fast. “It wouldn’t even be distracting from school. We could go on study dates, and maybe go see a movie when our homework was done? Only when it was done, though.”

“Well,” his moom said, tone considering. She had on a thoughtful expression, standing behind the wicker chair. “Study dates, maybe…”

Ranboo’s mom squeezed her wife’s hand where it rested on her shoulder. “No, we’ve discussed this. No dating till you graduate, you’re supposed to stay focused.” She smiled, tucking a strand of pale hair behind her ear. “You’re supposed to follow Niki’s lead while you’re here, not go off—going to parties and stuff.”

Ranboo looked pleadingly at Niki, who shifted uncomfortably in the doorway. “I’m not really a party person,” she mumbled. “Not anymore.” She looked back at her brother. “It’ll be fine, you can still hang out with your friends, right?”

“Well we don’t want you sneaking in any dates by calling them hang-outs–” his mom started.

“My grades are good!” Ranboo protested, looking between his sister and his moms. “I won’t get distracted, it’s just a little bit of socializing when I’m done studying! Socializing is good for my development as a teen, isn’t it?”

“Are you on the dean’s list?” The light gleamed off the silver rings on his mom’s pale horns as she tipped her head to the side. She raised her eyebrows. 

“Well,” Ranboo started.

“There you go,” she said, nodding. “Niki isn’t dating, and she’s on the dean’s list.”

Niki looked more uncomfortable. “Well–” she started.

“You know, that’s something,” their moom said, looking down at her wife and then across at her kids. “Ranboo’s supposed to be following Niki’s lead, right? Well, if she thinks it’s a good idea, that’ll work. They can date when she starts dating.”

“But–” Ranboo cut himself off in horror. He glanced between his family members. “Uh, can’t I date when I’m on the dean’s list instead?” He didn’t say ‘that might be more achievable’ out loud, but he definitely thought it.

“No, when Niki thinks it’s a good idea to date, you can follow her lead,” Moom said, nodding. 

“Like a double date,” his mom said, glancing up at her wife.

“Like a double date,” Ranboo’s other mother agreed, nodding.

Niki laughed a little incredulously. “That might not—happen? I’m pretty happy with my life as it is, actually.”

Ranboo’s mom grinned, the corners of her green eyes crinkling. “Sounds good to me,” she said. “You can go on dates when Niki does.” 

“Great,” Ranboo said. They laced their fingers behind their back. “Fantastic. I think this is a great plan that will not have me die lonely and alone.”

Ranboo put the lid back on the dry erase marker and tapped it against the diagram he’d drawn on the stand-up whiteboard. “And that’s why we should find a girlfriend or boyfriend for Niki, so we can go on dates.”

“Hmmm.” Tubbo peered over the edge of the laptop he had set up on his bed. “Go over it again, I wasn’t listening.”

“Okay,” Ranboo started. “Pay attention this time.” They drew a circle on the board around the phrase Gay Love, which they’d underlined previously. “This is us–”

“I think I get it, bossman,” Tommy cut in. The human was sitting in Tubbo’s office chair, revolving gently. “Your parents are cockblocking you, so we need to find Niki someone to fuckin’ mack on.” He made elaborate kissing noises. 

Ranboo looked at him, horror on their face. “Uh.” They cleared their throat, turning their attention back to Tubbo. “Yeah, right. It can’t be that hard, Niki’s really nice and bakes food and stuff, right? And smart, people like smart people, right?”

“Sure.” Tubbo tapped at his laptop. “When did she last go on a date?”

“Uh,” Ranboo bit his lip. “Never, I think.” 

“Cool, cool,” Tubbo said. “Has anyone asked her on a date?” The goat hybrid raised his eyebrows, still looking at his screen. “Maybe she just hasn’t been asked, you know?”

“No, actually I know that one.” Ranboo pointed at him in emphasis. “We were at a coffee shop and this phantom hybrid gave her his number.” He deflated slightly. “And uh, she told him she’d go out with him if he could tell her the basic principles of anarchy, and he couldn’t, and then she tore up his number. I think he was crying.”

Tubbo bit at his thumb. He raised his eyebrows.  “That’s pretty fuckin’ badass.”

Ranboo sighed and sat down on the edge of Tubbo’s bed. “I thought so. Don’t people want to date badass people?” He waved a hand. “She was in the newspaper last week cause she punched a cop, and then she nearly got arrested.” Ranboo turned and glared at Tommy. “Would you stop making kissing noises?” 

Tommy paused with his mouth open. “Sorry, big man,” he mumbled without moving his jaw. “I though’ we were talkin’ abou’ fuckin’ romance.”

Ranboo didn’t dignify that with a response. They turned to Tubbo. “I mean, you were building explosives for the bonfire and got chased by security, and that’s when I decided I wanted to hang out with you, people have got to want to date someone cool who makes guys cry. Somebody tried to correct her history presentation in class, and she had a whole extra presentation to correct him and tell him what mansplaining was.”

“Yeah,” Tubbo said, a dreamy look on his face, clearly having only heard half of that. “Those were really good explosives.”

“They were.” Ranboo flopped back to lie on the bed. “And you cleared that fence like it wasn’t even there.”

“Yeah,” Tommy agreed. “Do you think if we buy a bunch of fuckin’ petrol at the station, they’ll let us put it in bottles?” 

“Probably not,” Tubbo said. The goat hybrid shrugged expansively. “I don’t even think they let Puffy do that, and she sells fuckin’ drugs.”

“I don’t even think she really sells fuckin’ drugs, man,” Tommy protested. “She won’t sell them to me, and I’m the biggest man ever, I can totally handle drugs, and I have the money after–” he looked at Tubbo. “You know. The Incident.”

Tubbo slashed a hand at Tommy in a “shut it” gesture. “Haha, there was no incident, nothing happened, we got the funds in a totally legitimate business venture, and now we have lots of money.” He glanced at Ranboo, ears pinning back. “Don’t even worry about it.”

“I know you did some kind of crime last weekend,” Ranboo said, tone a bit peeved. “I told you I wouldn’t freak out, you don’t have to keep it secret.”

“You had that internship interview,” Tubbo told him. “And we don’t want to mess up your alibi.” He winked exaggeratedly at Tommy and then at Ranboo. “Nothing happened.”

“Yeah, nothing fucking happened, bitch,” Tommy agreed. He was back to spinning in the chair again. “Do you think Captain Puffy’d date someone who punched a cop?”

Ranboo propped themself up on their elbows, looking thoughtful. “I mean, I think she fought a shark once.”

“I heard someone tried to hold her up when she was downtown and she fuckin’ bit his ear off,” Tommy said, nodding. “It was super fuckin’ gorey and the police got called, but she escaped when she climbed over a fuckin’ fence.”

“Are you sure that really happened?” Ranboo’s tone was dubious. “Wouldn’t that be on the news?”

“No no, I did hear about it.” Tubbo lightly hit the bed for emphasis. “It was on Sam’s police scanner when I was there.”

Tommy cocked his head at Tubbo. “Why were you at Sam’s?”

Tubbo waved a hand. “Makin’ a flamethrower.”

“Cool. Hmmmm,” Ranboo tapped a finger to his lips. “I heard she wore a bikini in the snow last year just to prove that we don’t know how to deal with cold weather.”

Tubbo looked thoughtful. “Would that—work?”

“She drank a bunch of fuckin’ booze before she did it,” Tommy explained. “And she still had her hat on, so her head didn’t get cold.”

“Yeah, I think she’d be into your sister,” Tubbo nodded. “Maybe if we pay her.” He looked at Ranboo. “You’re rich, right? You can pay her. Simple. Figured it out.”

“Well–” Ranboo started, wobbling a hand. “I wouldn’t exactly say we’re rich , exactly, we just have money set aside for college, and the living allowance when I’m a student, and I have some savings–” They took in Tubbo’s expression and trailed off. Ranboo looked at Tommy, who was staring at them with an identical dead-eyed look on his face. Ranboo picked at the comforter beneath them. “Or uh, y’know, I have some money, yeah.” 

“Grea!” Tubbo clapped his hands. “So you’re funding this. Let’s get started.”

Captain Puffy, unsurprisingly for someone with a nautical title in their name, turned out to be at the marina. She was sprawled in a lawn chair next to the wheel of a sailboat, sunglasses on, a brown glass bottle in her hand. The sheep hybrid appeared to be asleep. Ranboo shifted uncomfortably on the pier, thinking. How best to start this? Lead with how lucrative this could be, almost definitely. And add in something about how nice Niki was if you got on her good side. And how smart she was, people liked smart people, that, right? He certainly did. Maybe something about how she got all those plants to grow in her apartment, people liked green thumbs, right? That was talent?

“Hey! Do you like girls?” Tubbo yelled from next to Ranboo. 

“Huh?” Captain Puffy sat upright, pushing her sunglasses upwards. 

“Do you like kissing girls?” Tubbo clarified, still at way too high of a volume. 

“ Tubbo ,” Ranboo hissed at him, horrified. “That’s not what we’re saying .”

“Huh?” Tubbo blinked in his direction. “It’s important to figure out before we know if she’ll want to date your sister. What if she doesn’t like to kiss girls? Then she won’t want to kiss her, and that’ll probably be a problem.” He tipped his head to the side. “We could probably work around that, though. Ace Rights.”

“Hey whatsup, guys,” Tommy announced, swaggering into place. “Found the Puffster? What’s up, Puffy my man , I have so much money to buy drugs now. Hit me.”

Captain Puffy raised her eyebrows. “I’m not selling you drugs, Tommy.” She put her sunglasses back on. “And I do kiss girls, but that’s none of your business, really.”

“What if it was our business, though?” Ranboo cut in. The ender hybrid cleared his throat. Oh god, committed. Now what. How to transition to the next point?

Puffy looked at him. “I’d really be fascinated to know why it’s your business who I kiss, kid.”

That didn’t sound positive. Ranboo made a strangled noise. 

“Because we know this really cool girl who nobody’s dating, and she’s super lonely and she is looking for someone I just know it, and she might be interested in a cool lady who owns a boat,” Tubbo said. Ranboo pointed in his direction, nodding. 

“My sister Niki,” they chimed in. “She’s a really cool student, and she goes to protests and stuff, and she has plants in her house, and she would love you, I’m sure.” They glanced around for another point. “Your uh, your personal protective equipment use is great.”

“Niki’s looking for someone?” Captain Puffy said. She tipped her head to the side, a grin spreading across her long face. “And you thought about me?”

“You know Niki?” Ranboo asked.

“Of course I know Niki, she corrected the professor about a history of bread thing that time I was in history class, and she was right about it.” Captain Puffy stood up, putting her bottle on the deck beside her chair. “Okay, Niki’s looking to date, that’s good to know, but why are you here to talk to me about it?”

“Well, uh, you fought a shark once, right?” Ranboo grinned hopefully. Puffy glanced at him and then he forced his grin wider and hopefully more convincing. He had a horrible fear that the opposite effect was happening. Oh god, his ears were pinned, weren’t there. He tried to stick them back to a neutral position, managed it, and then realized his eyes had crossed as he focused.

Puffy’s eyebrows were drawn together. “Uh, this conversation’s going a lot of fucking places, actually. Maybe I did. Why’d you ask?”

“Cause you like a challenge!” Ranboo nodded till his neck hurt. “You like a challenge, and Niki is definitely a challenge!”

“She’ll probably tell you to go away a couple times but that’s just cause she wants you to prove yourself that you’re paying attention to what she says,” Tubbo cut in. “Really she really wants to date somebody, because she doesn’t get out enough and she’s always studying.”

“She is in the library a lot, yeah,” Puffy started. Tommy jumped aboard the ship and her hands flew out in his direction. “Don’t touch anything!”

“So we’re prepared to make it worth your while if you have costs associated with dating.” Ranboo pressed forward in the conversation. “Cause this challenge might get expensive, I don’t know.”

Puffy didn’t look like she was listening. The sheep hybrid was focused on the intruder to her ship, stepping towards him. Tommy stumbled, leaning heavily on the sail boom. It swung across to the other side of the boat, a heavy weight of wood and canvas, and caught Puffy directly in the face. She staggered and sat down. “Fuck,” she said.

“Whoops!” Tommy took another step closer, looking around. “Fuck, sorry about that. Where do you keep the guns?” 

“ Whuh ,” Puffy said, holding her head. “Jesus, why does that keep happening.”

Tommy picked up her bottle and sniffed it. “Why—you’re just drinking ginger beer?”

“Get off my boat, Tommy,” Puffy said, pushing herself to her feet. Her nose was bleeding. “ Off . And of course I’m drinking fucking ginger beer, it’s 11 in the morning.”

“Aw, I just wanted to see the boat,” Tommy started, continuing to peer around everywhere. “Do you have guns, if you see pirates? Or just a knife?”

“I am the pirate,” Puffy said flatly, one hand pinching her nose. “Get off my boat before I throw you in the water.”

“Jeez, okay, sheesh, you don’t have to be fuckin’ shirty about it.” Tommy jumped for the pier, missed, and fell in the water. 

Tubbo and Puffy both started laughing.

Ranboo laughed anxiously, and then cleared his throat. “We’ve gotten a little off track,” he said, picking anxiously at the bottom of his polo shirt. “Are you still open to dating Niki? I think she’d really like you, and she really needs to date someone for personal reasons, and it could be really cool, I think. Maybe downplay the pirate-ness and be more respectable.” He coughed. “She’s on the dean’s list.”

“I’ll consider it, I’ll consider it,” Puffy said. “I like a smart girl, it’s fine. I can be respectable. I’m being respectable right now.” She wiped the blood on her face with the back of her hand, then picked up a boat hook and poked in the water. “There’s a ladder down thataway, swim there.”

“None of you respect my incredible fuckin’ manliness,” Tommy said, spitting ocean. The demon horn headband he always wore had come askew and was falling down over his eyes. He started to swim slowly and with great splashing towards the ladder. “I’m going to learn how to lay curses and then lay a curse on you. And then you’ll be fuckin’ sorry.”

“You wouldn't be the first,” Puffy said, grinning at his back. She wiped her nose again, then looked down at her hand. “Jeez, I need to get a tissue or something.” She disappeared below the deck.

Ranboo and Tubbo glanced at each other. “Niki’s really pretty, too,” Tubbo called.

“I’m aware!” Puffy yelled from below the deck. “I’ll do it, lay off! I’ll go talk to her.”

Ranboo pushed his mathbook away and stood up from the booth he’d been sitting in. “Well, I think I’m just going to go uh—go to the bathroom.” 

Niki looked up, highlighter poised above the book she was reading, and frowned slightly at him. “You need to announce this now?”

“Hahah,” Ranboo said, clearing his throat. “No reason, I’m just—leaving you alone now!” He cleared his throat again, the effect beginning to sound a bit like he was working on a hairball. He paused, thunked himself in the chest with a percussive thumb, and then flashed Niki a double thumbs up. “I’m alright! Goodbye.”

Niki watched him go with her eyebrows raised, then shrugged and went back to her book. She tapped her highlighter against a tusk thoughtfully.

As soon as Ranboo was out of sight, they circled around behind the shelf of coffee beans and approached the table again, crouching to stay out of sight. From here they had a great view as Captain Puffy got up from her table and approached Niki. 

Puffy rested a hand on the table and propped her hip on it, smiling down at the other woman. The sheep hybrid was wearing a leather jacket, and on a normal day she’d be shorter than Niki, but with this particular configuration of people standing and sitting, she got to lean nonchalantly on the table and be taller. Things were going great. “Hey,” Captain Puffy said, tone chill and casual. “Mind if I buy you a drink?”

Niki did not seem impressed by the person standing over her. “I actually already have a drink,” she said. She pulled her cup closer and took a sip, holding calm eye contact while she did so. 

“Hah, that’s good,” Puffy said. She made finger guns at Niki. “Glad to see you already have a drink, good to have those at the coffee shop, love to get a beverage here.” She tugged at the front of her jacket for a moment, then nodded to the book in Niki’s hand. “What’re you uh, reading?”

The piglin’s expression was level. “The Anarchist’s Cookbook,” she said. 

Puffy blinked. “Isn’t that the one which tells you how to make bombs?”

Niki’s expression relaxed fractionally, a faintly skeptical smile appearing on her face. “You know it?” She tilted her head to the side.

Puffy visibly backtracked, straightening in place. “Hahahah, not me.” She coughed into her hand. “Law-abiding citizen here, I love—the law. I just like reading, and cookbooks.” She tried what was evidently intended to be a charming smile at Niki. “You cook?”

The other woman’s expression returned to giving nothing away. “I’m actually kind of busy right now. My brother is gonna get back any second.” She glanced in the direction of the bathrooms. Ranboo ducked further back behind the coffee display. Niki looked back at Puffy. “Is there a point to this?”

“Funny that you should ask that.” Puffy kept the charming grin in place. “Do you wanna go on a date?”

“I’m pretty busy with school.” Niki turned her attention back to her book. “Maybe you can come to my book club sometime.” She turned a page, not looking up. One ear flicked impatiently.

“Hahah, maybe, I love—reading.” Puffy cleared her throat, and then slapped the table with an open hand. “I’ll just leave you to it. Enjoy the reading.” The sheep hybrid backed away and then left the coffee shop. 

That had not gone as well as they’d hoped, but Ranboo had already prepared for some setbacks in the plan. This was still recoverable. They returned to the table, pulling their math book close to them again as they sat down. “Well,” they started. “She seemed nice.”

Niki looked up, face skeptical. “Huh?”

Ranboo jerked his head in the direction of the exit. “She seemed nice, right?”

His sister tilted her head to the side, smiling slightly. “You’re interested in girls now?”

“ No ,” Ranboo started, hands raised in horror. “No, no, that’s not what I meant.”

“But you said you thought she was nice,” Niki returned. “Ranboo’s expressing interest in girls.” She raised her eyebrows. “And older women, too, wow.”

Ranboo couldn’t stop the expression of revulsion from crossing their face. “That is not what I meant.”

“Well now you’re just sending mixed signals, what am I supposed to think?” Niki grinned at them and then glanced at the clock at the wall. “Hmmm, how is your math going?”

The ender hybrid fiddled with their pencil. “Uh, almost done. I just got an answer with a lot of decimals I wasn’t sure about so I was doing it again.”

“Sure.” She closed the book and started sliding towards the edge of the booth. “Come on, I was gonna make spaghetti tonight. Let’s head home and you can run me through it while everything heats up.”

“Oh good, that would work.” Ranboo collected their math supplies and followed her. "Spaghetti bolognese?”

“Spaghetti sauce from a jar with TVP in it, I’m still a student,” Niki told him. “Meat’s expensive, you know.”

“Oh, wow, I’m learning so much being here, really,” Ranboo responded, to Niki’s laugh.

Chapter Text

Captain Puffy was in the next aisle over. Ranboo looked around themself rapidly, then stepped closer to their sister. “I’m gonna go look at the tulips, Tubbo might like them.”

“Sure.” Niki was standing in front of a rack covered in small containers of herbs, picking them up and sniffing them. She sniffed something leafy and winced a bit, eyes squeezing shut and ears flicking. She didn’t look up. “I won’t tell moms.”

“Hahhhhh,” Ranboo said anxiously, and then escaped. He turned down the next aisle and started quick-walking. “You’re up,” he hissed as he passed Captain Puffy.

“Now? Shit, okay,” Puffy said, jolting to life. She headed down the aisle and disappeared in the direction of Niki. Ranboo circled around in the other direction and padded up behind. The two women were already talking as he approached. 

“Oh yeah,” Puffy was saying. “Didn’t expect to see you again. I’m just here for some— plants.” She waved to the green leafy thing in her arms, broad leaves crinkled like an accordion-folded piece of origami. 

Niki looked at the plant, then back at the sheep hybrid. “You’re growing hostas?”

“Sure! Leafy, nice green.” Puffy nodded. “They’re—“ She picked up the tag and squinted at it. “A classic shade-loving foliage plant.” She looked back up at the taller woman. “Perfect for my needs.”

Ranboo couldn’t see Niki’s face. They shifted so they could catch her reflection in a glass watering bubble. Niki had her eyebrows drawn together. “And those needs would be?”

“Oh you know, living in a boat.” Puffy waved a hand, then absently tucked a tuft of hair behind her ear. Various curls of it were escaping from the handkerchief holding it back. “Lotta blue. So I needed some green to spice it up. Needed the variation.”

Niki tipped her head to the side, quizzical. “Lots of shade on a boat?”

Puffy blinked. “Hah.” She looked down at the plant, and then looked back up, grinning sheepishly. “Maybe if I put the plant inside?”

“Yeah.” Niki smiled, then continued a cheerful retort. “Lots of space inside a boat.”

“It’ll work great!” Puffy waved a hand to illustrate. She was grinning broader, cheeks a little pinker than usual. “Lots of space inside a boat, like you said. I can just put my hosta there and keep it safely out of the sun. That way I keep my greenery, and everybody’s happy.”

Niki laughed for a moment, covering her mouth with her hand. “That sounds like a perfect plan.”

Puffy smiled in her general direction, clearly having lost her train of thought. 

Niki’s smile faded slightly. “I don’t really believe it was a coincidence you found me.” She raised her eyebrows. “Something on your mind?”

Puffy jolted again, brushing another tuft of her hair out of her eyes. “Oh yeah! I’m, I was wondering—you mentioned a book club, but I’m not really a book person. I do have, though—do you wanna go sailing with me?”

A flash of bitterness dashed across Niki’s face before her expression closed off. “I’m not really interested in dating anyone at this time. Especially someone who doesn’t share my interests.” She nodded. “Have a good day.”

“Oh. Shit.” Puffy blinked, still holding her hosta like a baby. “Does this mean you never wanna see me again? Cause that might cause some problems, with us going to the same school, and all.”

Niki stared at her for a moment. “You go to school?”

Puffy recoiled for a moment, ears pinning back, then raised her eyebrows ruefully. “Fuck, I’ve start going to classes.”

Niki waved a hand, back to smiling faintly. “I don’t mind if I see you again, no, that’s fine. But I don’t think that we have that much in common.” She caught Ranboo’s eye in the reflection in the glass bubble in a plant. “I have to go, sorry.” She turned and headed towards her brother. Ranboo straightened up and tried to look like he hadn’t been eavesdropping. Niki raised her eyebrows at him. “Picked up everything you were looking into?”

Evidently he hadn’t been doing a great job. Ranboo cleared his throat. “Ah, yes um, everything sounds fine. Where are we going next?”

“College newspaper, I need to drop off my editorial column,” Niki told him. She was looking straight ahead and walking fast, and Ranboo hurried to keep up. “Think you can stay well behaved?”

“Yeah, sure,” Ranboo said, nodding. “Just head along in the background watching, that’s me. That’s what I do.”

Niki glanced at him and smiled, some of the tension going out of her shoulders. “Come on then.” She waved a hand. “Bus stop this way.”

Ranboo snuck a glance at her as they walked. “Uh, I have a question though, from what you said.”

“Go ahead.” Niki didn’t look at him.

Ranboo cleared their throat. “Why don’t you want to date?” Niki sighed, and they hurried to elaborate. “If it’s something you’re allowed, I mean. Do you— like you’re gonna date someday , right?”

“That’s kind of personal, actually.”

Ranboo looked down. “Ah. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“It’s fine.” Niki waved a hand. “I might date someday, when I find the right person. That could happen at any time.” She shrugged. “But I’m focused on school and what I— what I care about. I’m not gonna give that up.” 

“Right.” Ranboo bit his lip. Possibly this posed a challenge to his and Tubbo’s plan. Ethical questions about if the whole thing was fair started to float to the front of his mind, but he forced them down. Puffy totally was the right person for Niki, and this was a good thing he was doing. This was for a good cause— letting him and Tubbo go on a date. This was for the better, and everything was gonna turn out good. They just had to keep going.

Ranboo sighed, leaning on a CD bin. “They don’t have any good music.” 

His sister didn’t look up from the bin she was sorting through. “This one’s good.” Niki held out an album in Ranboo’s direction. 

Ranboo gave the CD and then Niki a scornful look, not touching it. “I’m not gonna listen to Melissa Etheridge .” 

Niki glanced at him with an amused expression. “Alright. And you didn’t want to listen to any of my music at home, even the easy stuff like Pearl Jam. What do you want?”

Ranboo threw up his hands. “I don’t know. Good stuff?”

Niki nodded towards the back of the shop. “They’ve got live broadway recordings I think.”

“Oh,” Ranboo said, standing up straighter, and Niki laughed softly as she turned back to the rows of CDs. There was the tinkle of a bell as someone came through the door, and Ranboo looked towards the front of the store. 

Captain Puffy had entered the shop, scanning the room. The sheep hybrid sighted Niki and started heading in her direction. 

“Oh,” said Ranboo again. “Should I go?” The ender hybrid stayed anxiously in place as the other woman approached, starting to wring their hands.

“Hi, Niki,” Puffy started. She caught sight of the album in Niki’s hand. “Oh, good choice.”

Niki glanced at the album and then back at Puffy, smiling slightly. “Thanks,” she said dryly. “Good to know you also appreciate Tracy Chapman.” She raised her eyebrows, leaning one hip on the CD bin. “Going to try to convince me that it’s a coincidence that you’re here?”

“No, actually.” Puffy grinned nervously. “I was looking for you.” 

“Should I be here?” Ranboo looked between both figures and shuffled in place. “Should I leave you two alone? Should I stay?”

Neither woman looked at him. “I know you mentioned your book club,” Puffy was barreling ahead. “So I tracked down someone else in the book club and asked what book you were reading.”

“Wait, who’d you get?” Niki tipped her head to the side. “Techno or Phil?”

“Phil,” Puffy said. “I already knew him actually, from Search and Rescue training.”

“Hmmm.” Niki pressed her lips together. The piglin hybrid’s smile had grown a bit. “Go on.”

“Okay so Phil told me the book you were reading,” Puffy picked her story back up, talking with her hands. “But I’m not much of a reader, so I tracked down a copy at the university library, on cassette. But Phil wouldn’t tell me where you meet, he said part of the experience of the club was figuring it out, and Techno is in—jail right now?”

Niki nodded. “Yeah, he does that.”

Ranboo was struck by the suddenly pressing curiosity as to if that was Techno like their fencing tutor Techno, but didn’t say it out loud.

“So.” Puffy took a deep breath, looking beseechingly at Niki. “I was wondering if you’d tell me where the book club meets, or if I have to get myself arrested to talk to Technoblade to find out.”

Okay that had to be his fencing tutor, no two guys could have the same name that specific. He was learning so much. Niki laughed and Ranboo glanced at his sister, eyes widening. 

“You don’t give up easy, do you?” Niki had her arms folded, smiling.

“Well if someone as smart as you said that this book club was important to go to, I figure it’s gotta be something special.” Puffy grinned at the other woman, reaching out to fiddle with the top of a CD. “Admittedly, I was also hoping for a date, but if that’s a no, I’ll still learn something at that book club of yours, I bet.”

Niki covered her mouth with her hand for a moment, smiling. Ranboo looked between them, not daring to speak. His sister nodded like something had been settled and put her hand back on the cd bin, smile emerging from behind her hand. “Alright, I’ll go on a date with you.”

“Oh fuck yeah,” Puffy said, fist-pumping. “Win for Papa Puffy, and I don’t even need to get arrested again. This is a great day. Wait.” She paused, head tilted to the side. “And the book club?”

“Consider the date a trial for the book club. I’m free on Fridays.” Niki raised a finger. “And I’ll be keeping strict note of if you continue to be charming.” She grinned at the other woman. “Or just stubborn, I think it’s the stubborn that’s been convincing.”

Puffy grinned back. “I’ll do my best.”

“Alright.”

“I need to go find a payphone,” Ranboo announced, heading for the front door of the shop.

“What’s up?”

Ranboo wound the cord of the payphone around his finger, staring anxiously at the phone book hanging from the bottom of the machine. “Tubbo?”

There was a snort from the other end of the line. “Yeah, who else could it be?”

“Uh, your dad?” 

“Oh right.” There was a pause. “He doesn’t answer the phone though, so it’s just me.” There was a clatter of something being dropped. “This your call from jail?”

“No, I’d call my moms if I was in jail, we’ve been over this,” Ranboo said. They paused, a new piece of information floating to the front of their mind. “Or my fencing tutor, I think he might be an expert on that.” They shook their head to clear it. “No, this is good news! The date is on, she said yes! So we get to go on a date!” 

“Oh let’s fucking go, cool beans,” the voice on the other end of the phone enthused. “We win! Wait. What kind of date?”

“Uh. I don’t know.” Ranboo had wound the phone cable around his finger until it was cutting off circulation. He shook it free of his hand, staring out of the plastic walls of the phone booth. “Where do people go on dates?”

“Where do people go on dates?”

There was someone in a trench coat and ski mask at the front counter of the Dairy Queen. Ranboo wasn’t quite sure if the place was being held up, which was a suspicion the employees seemed to share. The person was currently occupied with paying for their order in pennies. Ranboo looked back at Tubbo on the other side of the table. “Sorry, what?”

Tubbo raised his eyebrows. “You having a good time, bossman?” 

They were holding hands over the table.

The goat hybrid was wearing a dress shirt and dice-patterned tie over his jeans, and Ranboo had on a suit he’d last worn to a funeral. They were holding hands over the table. Ranboo shook his head. “Just distracted for a second.” He paused, a horrified expression crossing his face. “I mean I am having a good time. I didn’t mean I didn’t want to be here. I’m having a great time, actually, I love being here with you, and being on an official date, and dating you. I don’t want to go home or anything.” He gulped. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

Tubbo laughed and kicked him under the table. “You’re good! Stop fucking panicking. I just wanted to know if I could get more chicken.”

Ranboo frowned at him. “Why are you eating hot food at Dairy Queen anyways?”

“Because you’re paying for it,” Tubbo said cheerfully. “And I’m gonna get a blizzard later, too.”

“Oh, right.” Ranboo relaxed slightly and picked up their spoon. “As long as you have ice cream. I think if we don’t have real ice cream it isn’t a real date.”

Tubbo raised his eyebrows. “If I don’t get ice cream do I get arrested?”

“Yeah, the date police come and give you a ticket, I think.” Ranboo nodded. “And then there’s a big score board at city hall, and they mark down a lose for gay love, and everybody starts crying and throwing up and stuff.”

“Sick.” Tubbo sounded pleased. “I’m gonna go get chicken. Money please.”

Ranboo pulled their wallet from an inside pocket and peeled off a fifty dollar bill. Tubbo accepted them and sauntered towards the front counter, the walk of someone with a crisp Ulysses Grant gripped in his fist. Ranboo ate some of their blizzard, luxuriating in the experience of being on a date. They’d picked up Tubbo at his house and caught the bus here, and they’d brought a carnation for Tubbo that he’d put in a vase in his kitchen before they left. They’d held hands on the bus. Dating was awesome. 

That guy in the trench coat had finished ordering and was approaching with a tray. Ranboo eyed them as they approached. He was starting to wonder how they were going to eat their fries with the ski mask on. 

Tubbo came back with his second chicken strip basket and Ranboo grinned at him as the other teen sat down. “How are you still hungry?”

“Never say no to free food.” Tubbo dug into his fries. “Everything’s going great, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Ranboo said confidently. “It’s a great date, and Niki’s gonna be so happy cause she has a girlfriend, and everything’s… fine..” He trailed off, looking at Tubbo’s expression. The goat hybrid was paused with a fry halfway to his mouth, staring across the table. “Uh,” Ranboo started. “Is everything—not fine?”

“Tommy,” Tubbo hissed, scrambling upright on the seat and climbing across to Ranboo’s side of the booth. “What are you fucking doing here?”

There was a yelp, and the ski-mask-and-trench-coated figure, who’d been kneeling in the booth behind them and staring over the divider, cowered back against his table. “I’m just here for a fuckin’ coincidence! Anyone can come to Dairy Queen!” Tommy straightened up and glared defiantly at Tubbo, tearing off the ski mask after a dramatic beat. “It’s a free fuckin’ country, isn’t it?”

“What are you doing ?” Tubbo glared back over the divider. Ranboo looked around the restaurant anxiously, checking to see if anyone was looking in their direction. So far, everyone seemed to think this was an average Dairy Queen interaction. Tubbo jabbed an accusing finger at his human friend. “You’re supposed to be doing your fucking English homework!”

“I finished!” Tommy retorted. “I finished and got an A!”

“You didn’t,” Tubbo said flatly.

Ranboo turned around so he could also look over the divider. “You didn’t,” he cut in. “I saw the last essay you turned in. No way you got an A. It’s not even been graded yet.”

“Okay maybe I copied some shit out of the encyclopedia and called it a day.” Tommy folded his arms across his chest. “But it was a good, modern bastard this time, it didn’t even have the USSR in it. ‘Sides, I didn’t want you going on a date without me.”

Tubbo stared at him. “Tommy, the idea is that we go on a date without you. That’s how dating works , bossman.” He looked concerned. “Did you not—know that?”

“Oh I know that,” Tommy waved a hand. “I’m so good at datin’. I support gay love, I’m the biggest ally, I’d date you two myself but I’m so busy with my many fuckin’ wives. You can go on your date, and I can be coincidentally next to you, eatin’ fries, and that way we can both have a fun time, right?” He looked between the other two’s faces, his own expression starting to fall. “Right?”

“Tommy,” Ranboo started. 

Tommy’s lower lip was starting to stick out. “But what if you have a joke together, and it’s a funny fuckin’ joke, and next time we hang out you make the joke, and I don’t fuckin’ understand it?” He sniffed. “What if you fuckin’ go on without me?”

Ranboo and Tubbo looked at each other. Ranboo raised their eyebrows. “No,” Tubbo said, at the same time as Ranboo said “Well, maybe it could be fine?” 

Ranboo waved a hand, looking imploringly at his boyfriend. “Oh, come on! Everything’s going so well, it’s not gonna hurt things if he sits with us. And that way we don’t have to catch him up on anything later.”

Tubbo sighed, then looked over the divider at Tommy again. “You are way too fuckin’ clingy. Fine, you can sit with us. But you gotta wear the ski mask the whole time.”

“Fuck yeah!” Tommy scooped up the mask and sat down in the booth with his friends, settling his tray in front of himself. “How’s it been going?”

“It’s been going great,” Ranboo said, sitting back down. Some of the staff was now looking in their direction, and they waved back. They waited until Tubbo was sitting down again and then took his hand. “Dates are great. We made Niki happy, and everything’s better now. It was a little tricky there for a bit, but everything worked out and we’re doing fantastic.”

“Oh wait.” Tommy stared down at his fries. “I can’t eat these with the mask on.”

“Cope,” Taboo told him. He picked up one of his chicken strips and bit into it. “You’re the lower class right now. We’re on a date, you can be the entertainment. Everything’s going great, all the plans worked out perfectly. It’s all winning from now on.”

“Yeah.” Ranboo nodded, carefully maneuvering so that he could eat his blizzard with one hand and hold Tubbo’s hand with the other. “Everything’s gone perfectly,” he said around the spoon. 

“Can I have chicken too, Ranboo?” Tommy made pleading eyes through the ski mask. “Please?”

Ranboo sighed and reached for his wallet.

Ranboo had been playing the latest Pokemon game for several hours, and he’d gradually migrated through various sprawls across the couch as he gamed. He’d ended up with his head on the arm and one leg hooked over the back, the other foot resting on the floor. The perfect concentration posture. He was still focused on the current battle as he heard his sister get up from her room and answer the ringing phone in the kitchen. 

“Hello? Oh, hi. What’s up?” Niki’s voice changed slightly from pure politeness to something more genuine. There was the click of one of the kitchen drawers—the one that didn’t quite fit—as she leaned against the counter.

Ranboo kept focusing on his battle. This Crobat kept evading him. 

In the kitchen, he heard Niki say “Oh, they’re doing fine, we’ve been doing homework together. Settling in well, yes. I don’t think they mind the sleeping in the living room. I think they’re—yeah they’re playing a game right now.”

Wait, that meant—that was moms on the phone. Ranboo’s hands tightened convulsively on the GameBoy. On the screen, his pokemon was knocked out and the Crobat he’d been trying to catch got away. He barely noticed the battle end, a sinking dread filling him. He’d been following the rules, right? He hadn’t done anything bad? The date had been totally above board and legal, and he’d done his homework (mostly), and he’d brushed his teeth at night, and Niki wasn’t going to say anything which would get him in trouble, right? He sat upright on the couch, anxiously looking at his sister.

Niki was leaning on the counter, phone held to her shoulder. She was taking the lid on and off a pen as she talked. Electronic voices babbled on the other side of the line, and Ranboo saw her smile slightly. “Oh, nothing much is up with me.” She shrugged a shoulder, moving the phone to the other ear. “Mostly school, hanging out with my book club, doing stuff with Ranboo. That’s about it.”

There was a big and terrible omission in that list. The horrors of being accused of dating against the rules loomed on the horizon. Ranboo could already see the disappointed looks aimed in their direction. They stared desperately at their sister and exaggeratedly mouthed “tell them about your date”.

Niki gave them a significant look, taking the top off the pen and swiveling it in her fingers. “No, I promise I haven’t been doing anything interesting.” She laughed. “Or interesting , no.”

Ranboo’s fur was standing on end. They grabbed a piece of paper from the math homework left on the coffee table and scribbled “DATE” across it with a highlighter they’d been using to fill in graphs. Sitting back upright, they stabbed it in Niki’s general direction.

“I promise, nothing you’d be concerned about,” Niki said to the phone, turning her back on Ranboo. “I’ve been working on my women’s studies paper, lots of research for that. And half of my book club’s in jail, so we haven’t been doing much.” She laughed again. “Just studying, making ramen with Ranboo, that sort of thing. They didn’t like the corn option much.”

Ranboo sank down behind the back of the couch, clutching his stomach and breathing fast. He was so sunk. He sucked in a deep breath. No, maybe it wasn’t the end of the world. He might have technically broken the dating rule, or Niki was saying that he broke the rules, by implication, because apparently she lured him into her home the better to betray him to their moms, but there remained a thin shred of hope that she just wasn’t going to mention his side of the romance situation. Maybe she was just not mentioning anything about either of their dates? That might be it? Avoid the discussion entirely?

“Ranboo’s been doing well, yeah,” Niki said. “He went out with Tubbo last night, got all dressed up for it and everything.”

“ Tommy was there too, it wasn’t a date ,” Ranboo spat out as fast as he could, sitting bolt upright again.

Niki glanced at him, eyes narrowed. Ranboo stared back, skin prickling with anxiety. She put the cap back on the pen, then placed it on the counter. “Ah, my mistake, he’s just dressing up for regular visits now. The style icon of the house.” She laughed under her breath. “Yes, we are very similar, I also dress up to go to the library. You may have noticed that. I can put him on.” She looked back at him. “Do you want to talk, Ranboo?”

If they talked to their moms, there was at least a 90% chance that they’d blurt out the fact that they’d been on a date. They knew how easily an average sentence could run “oh yeah I’m working on a project for history class” right into “with Tubbo who I went on date with—and we held hands”. And then the world would end. Their moms might even try to explain study habits to them again, or the importance of staying focused on school. They had to keep everything under wraps. “I have a stomach ache,” Ranboo said, blindingly truthful, then vanished behind the back of the couch.

Chapter Text

Puffy was sitting at a table in the library, frowning at a page in her book. Ranboo skidded to a stop in front of her, a little breathless. He’d sprinted up three floors and around this level of the library after he split off from his sister and asked a librarian if they’d seen a sheep hybrid who looked like she belonged on a boat, and he’d been worrying about not finding her the whole time. Ranboo cleared his throat, resting one hand on the edge of the table. “Hi. Puffy? Captain Puffy, I mean?”

She looked up, the frown on her face relaxing a bit. “Oh hi, Ranboo.” She glanced behind him and back out to the aisle. “Is Niki with you?”

“Uh, no. She’s busy.” Ranboo took a deep breath, trying to hold the inhale until his ribs stopped hurting. Niki had been looking for something in the library database and had told him that she’d be a while. He sure hoped she would be. He needed to get this done and make sure everything was fixed, so he wasn’t in trouble and could go on another date, and he needed her to not find him while he was fixing it. His throat was too tight. He couldn’t quite get enough air. “Uh, I needed to talk to you.”

Puffy raised her eyebrows. “If this is for your friend, I’m not selling Tommy drugs.” She squinted at them. “Or you either, I don’t think you’re old enough.” She paused, then waved a hand. “Even if you’re tall as shit. Jesus, you’re probably still growing. That’s not fair.”

Ranboo picked at the bottom of their shirt, still wheezing faintly. They probably were going to get taller, that was true. Tubbo sometimes teased him about it. “No, it’s not about drugs.” They shook their head. They needed this to work. They needed to act chill and not suspicious. They tucked their hands behind their back and gripped their fingers for a moment, squeezing so hard their bones protested. “Uh, I want you to take Niki on a really nice date.” They produced their wallet, moving a little too fast to be chill, and started pulling out bills, breathing through their nose. “I can help pay for it.”

Puffy’s eyes were on the bills, and specifically on the numbers on the corners of them. “You’re paying for my date?” 

“Yes.” Ranboo put the money down on the table, trying to slow down their movements. They were sure they were moving too fast. Was that someone approaching this spot? Was that Niki, having found him? Was he in trouble? Had Niki called the police? Ranboo snatched their hand away from the money and white-knuckled their wallet. That was a stupid thought, Niki hated the police. They gave Puffy a broad grin, sure it was rictus and terrible. “I want Niki to have a fun time, you know. She—she doesn’t get out much.”

“She does study a lot,” Puffy said, staring at the money. “Like a lot , really seems like too much.” She picked up the money and rifled through it, eyebrows going up. “Well–” She looked up at Ranboo and grinned. “I’m not gonna say no to free money!” She chuckled.

Ranboo laughed along, trying to keep an edge of hysteria out of their voice. “Hahah, yeah.” Relief was flooding them like floodwater through a dry culvert. They’d made it, she believed them. They were so good at lying and deception. The power of spending absolutely all their money in one shot had carried them through. Their fur was standing on end, but from relief this time. “She doesn’t get out much, I think. Just goes to book club, and like what do you even do at book club, talk about reading? Doesn’t even play video games. You should bring her somewhere fun.” They giggled nervously. Their parents weren’t going to know anything, they’d pulled it off successfully, they were a criminal mastermind. Fuck the police. Everything was coming up Ranboo.

Puffy stared at him for a moment. “Uh, I think the book club might do a little bit more than talk about reading, just an impression I’m getting.” She tipped her head to the side, smiling slightly. “And what, that’s your vote for the date? Bring her over to play video games?”

“Oh no, probably not.” Ranboo shook his head. He was still wheezing faintly. “I don’t know. Something fun. Maybe paintball?” 

Puffy looked at the money in her hand, eyebrows going up again, then grinned at Ranboo. “Sure that’s not too violent? Didn’t you say that she wanted someone respectable?” She leaned back in her chair, tipping it onto two legs. “Not sure if that tracks with what I saw, but y’know, you’re the expert.”

“I mean, uh,” Ranboo tried to think through the adrenaline in his system. All his bones felt loose. Somehow “respectable” and Niki didn’t sound right together. “I mean, I think she’d like paintball? And I don’t know–” His voice trailed off. Would she like video games? And she was always reading weird books and talking about theories which he was not really paying attention to, and she did the things with protests and whatever “direct action” was, and there were the multiple incidents of fighting the police and generally being badass and terrifying. “If I said she liked being respectable, I might have—made a mistake.” He cleared his throat. “Cause she’s very cool and stuff but she does also listen to like—the loud music. Eyeliner.”

Puffy was still grinning at him. “Sure. Alright. I don’t think I was doin’ a great job with the respectable anyways.” She tipped forward in the chair again, furniture legs falling to the ground with a clack. “Paintball and maybe idk, a nice dinner or something, I can do that.” She pocketed the money, grinning in his direction. “It’s great that you have such a close relationship, you’re bein’ really nice to her. Heartwarming.”

“Hahah,” Ranboo said, clearing his throat. He ran a hand over his head, trying to flatten down his fur. “Yeah, trying to do that! Uh, side note, please don’t tell her about paying for the date, it’s supposed to be a surprise.”

Puffy frowned at him, then shrugged cheerfully. “Alright. No skin off my nose to keep that on the downlow. You got any other suggestions, or are we done here?”

“Nope, that’d be it!” Ranboo threw her a double thumbs up. “Just bring her on a real date and don’t tell her I was involved. Thanks! You’re a lifesaver!” They turned on their heel, nearly tipping over as they pivoted, and then jogged away.

Ranboo dropped their backpack on the floor next to the apartment door. There was movement in the kitchen, and they headed that way, poking their head around the corner. 

Niki had a box cake and a bowl out on the counter, and she was cutting open the cake mix with a knife. She looked up as Ranboo approached and smiled at them. “Hi Ranboo, how was school?”

“Fine, there was a math quiz.” 

Niki looked like she usually did, a short sleeve hoodie over long shorts and leg warmers, but was that a smear of paint in her hair? His sister grinned at him for a moment before dumping the cake mix into a bowl. “How’d that go?”

“It went great,” Ranboo said. He was almost 90% sure that that was paint. So the date had gone ahead? Had it gone well? She wouldn’t be baking if it had gone badly, right? He paused for a moment. “Well, it didn’t go bad. I don’t think I failed. I might have failed, I’m not sure yet. I definitely got some problems wrong. If I failed it, do you think I’ll get in trouble?”

Niki looked at him, eyebrows drawing together, then snorted in amused exasperation. “You’ll be fine, Ranboo.” She tossed the empty cake mix bag in the garbage and started opening the oil. “C’mon, help me make cupcakes. Get me three eggs, will you?”

Ranboo wiped their palms on their pants and went to the fridge. They needed to verify if that was paint. “How did your day go?” They stared into the fridge. “You’re out of eggs.”

Niki poured oil into a measuring cup. “I shouldn’t be? I mean, we could substitute applesauce, but I’m sure I’ve got some. Check behind the kombucha.” She emptied the oil and started measuring out milk. “And my day was fine.”

“Just fine?” Ranboo leaned on the door of the fridge, looking at her. His sister looked normal, just pouring things into the bowl. Was she smiling slightly more? Oh she was. 

Niki smiled down at the bowl for a moment, resting her hands on the rim of it. “Decent. I went out with—a friend.”

Ranboo grinned at her, relief flooding them. She was happy, she’d enjoyed the date. That meant that they’d done a good thing, and she was going to tell their parents that she was dating, and they weren’t going to get in trouble. They swung the fridge door a little. “Only a friend?”

She mock-glared at them, waving a hand. “It’s nothing big, Puffy asked if I wanted to take a break from studying and she knew a paintball place. And then we got ice cream.” Her voice turned more thoughtful-sounding as she looked back at the bowl, reaching for a spoon. “I mean, she had it all organized, so it was kind of a big thing. She made it feel easy though, so it was just—it was nice.” She looked down at the bowl and then looked back at Ranboo. “Eggs?”

“Oh yeah,” They looked in the fridge again. “Can’t find them. Are you gonna tell Moms about it?”

Niki came over to the fridge and moved some yogurt containers. “Look, it’s—were you only looking in the door?”

“Eggs belong in the door!” Ranboo said, a little indignant. “That’s why there’s a container for them there!”

Niki pushed gently at his shoulder. “Not on this fridge.” She pulled a trio of eggs out of the box and then put it back in the fridge. “And I don’t know about telling Moms, I don’t want to bother them.” She went back to the bowl, cracking an egg on the side of it. “They don’t have to know everything that’s happening in my life.”

Ranboo leaned on the closed fridge, looking at her. He could definitely empathise with the idea of not telling their parents everything, as much as that concept also caused an anxious flush about getting away with crimes, but that wouldn’t work with his plans at all . He needed her to share all kinds of details with their moms. “I mean, yes,” he started, trying to sound thoughtful. “Privacy is good, but I’m sure they’ll be happy about the good things, and isn’t that a good thing?” He tipped his head to the side. “They’re on the whole End Island cruise and don’t know anything that’s happening with us, won’t they be happy to hear about something nice?”

“Might be too happy, is my issue,” Niki said dryly. “Moms love it when you’re not getting arrested and are fulfilling your relationship responsibilities as a contributing member of the capitalist machine.” She started mixing the cake batter with a fork.

Ranboo was not tracking—the majority of that. Normally when Niki said things like that, they just nodded and escaped the room. But they needed to stay in the conversation. They took a stab at it, fur puffing out slightly in stress. “Is Puffy—capitalist?” Wait, they knew that one. And that was bad. “Wait, oh no, she’s a small business owner, that’s so capitalist.” They stared at the floor, dismayed.

Niki turned and frowned at him. “Small business?”

Ranboo’s eyes widened, ears pinning back. If his sister didn’t know about the drug selling already, they’d definitely made a mistake. But if she did , then maybe they could recover this? “Uhhhh.” They cleared their throat. “Uh. Private customer-driven enterprise selling—recreational substances?”

Niki stared at him and burst out laughing. She turned back to the bowl of cake batter, putting it aside and starting to put paper liners in a muffin tray. “Okay, yes, she’s not exactly a normal law-abiding citizen, that’s true. Maybe moms will be a little startled.” She chuckled under her breath.

Ranboo wasn’t sure if he’d lost the thread of the conversation. Probably he’d ruined it. All was lost. “Is that—good?” they ventured, fur still standing on end.

Niki didn’t look away from her task, focused on spooning batter into the cupcake papers. “Well I think she might fit in well at book club. She has some things in common with Phil.” She grinned down at her task. “So good for me, and less good in terms of fitting into Moms’ version of the respectable daughter.”

“Which you are trying to avoid at all costs.” Ranboo nodded.

Niki poked the spoon at them. “It’s a carefully calculated series of counter-culture actions.” The side of her mouth tipped upwards. “I’ll probably drop some hints to them. And aren’t you supposed to be doing homework?” She went over to the oven and slid the cupcakes into them. “These’ll be about half an hour till they’re ready, I’m sure you don’t want to spend the entire time talking to your boring sister.”

They could spot a warning signal that the conversation was over when it was outlined in flashing red lights. One thing needed to be clarified, though. “You’re not boring, you’re really cool.” Ranboo went to dig up his math homework.

He put down his notebook with a sigh. “I don’t know why we’re expected to work from old plays instead of something with an actual score.” He rubbed his forehead. “This is as bad as an essay.”

“I know how to cheat essays,” Tubbo said, nodding. The goat hybrid had Tommy’s socks draped around his neck in what was maybe a tie if you really squinted. He reached up and scratched under the socks. One fell to the ground. “Oh, c’mon,” he said, looking at it.

“Are you—sure you know how to cheat essays?” Raboo was sitting on the floor, working on their English project with their friends. They’d worn a poet shirt to get into the Shakespeare mindset, but so far it hadn’t been making things more fun. They leaned back against the couch, stretching their back. “I saw the last one you turned in, it was uh, pretty badly spelled?”

“Yeah, that’s the trick.” Tubbo draped the sock back around his neck, where it promptly fell off. He sighed at it and looked back up with a grin. “Can’t get in trouble for spelling cause of my dyslexia, so you just write it really badly, like really badly, and then they get so frustrated they give up and give you a C.” 

Ranboo fiddled with the edge of their shirt. “That’s—cheating?”

“That essay did not deserve a C, I woulda failed if they could read my handwriting.” Tubbo balled up the socks and threw them at Tommy, who was bent into a c-curve over a tiny book. “Nerd.”

“Hey, fuck you!” Tommy waved his middle finger vaguely in his friends’ direction. “Shut up, things are lookin’ bad for Juliet.”

“I’m gonna get study food.” Ranboo pushed himself to his feet and headed for the kitchen. “How do you feel about cupcakes?” 

“Oh I hate cupcakes, bossman.” Tubbo leaned back on his hands, grinning at Ranboo. “That’s why you should give me all of them, cause you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you,” Ranboo said with dignity, pulling a tupperware off the cupboard. He returned to the living room and put it on the coffee table. “That’s why we’re dating. If I wanted to date someone I hated, I would date Tommy.”

They both looked at Tommy. He was focused on reading. 

Tubbo prodded him with a foot. “Ranboo says he’d date you cause he hates you, bossman.”

“Huh, what?” Tommy looked up, blinking. “Ranboo dating? I’ll only date Ranboo if he pays for everythin’ and buys me a big house for my many fuckin’ wives.” He immediately returned to his book.

“I already pay for everything,” Ranboo told his unlistening shoulders. “You’re bleeding me dry.”

Tommy did not respond. The doorbell rang, and the two teens not bent over a book looked at it. 

“Should I get it?” Ranboo asked Tubbo, who shrugged. They both looked at the door, waiting for it to make a sound again.

Niki emerged from her room and headed for the door. Puffy was standing there, a bouquet of flowers in her hand. When she saw the piglin hybrid woman her face brightened. “Hi,” Puffy said. She gestured with the flowers. “Was in the area and wanted to stop by.”

Niki leaned on the doorframe, crossing her arms. She raised her eyebrows, a slight smile on her face. “I see. And you know where I live how?”

Puffy looked stricken. “Shit. Did I not—I thought I walked you home. Did I not do that? How the fuck did I know? Wait.” She took in the grin that Niki was now hiding behind a hand. “I know because you told me?” she said accusingly, eyebrows pulling together. “I walked you to your house? Yesterday?”

Niki laughed. “Yeah. Are the flowers for me?”

“They are.” Puffy held them out. “The lady under the bridge was selling them and I thought of you.”

Niki sniffed the flowers, eyes closing for a moment, then smiled at Puffy. “Thank you.” She looked in the direction of the living room, with two teenagers watching them and another bent over a book. “I think in here is taken, but if you wanna come with me, we can talk?” She headed in the direction of her room. 

The sheep hybrid shoved her hands in the pockets of her windbreaker as she followed. “So the book we’re reading is pretty interesting, I’ll say. Do you agree with uh—all of it?” 

“Not all of it, but it’s important to be aware of what’s in the literature,” Niki said. “And the thing about anarchy is that you don’t have to agree on things, you just have to work together. And you don’t even have to work together all the time, just on things you think are important.” She vanished into her room. 

Tubbo and Ranboo looked at each other. “So it’s going well,” Tubbo said under his breath.

Ranboo nodded. “Yeah, they went on a date yesterday, and she said she’d tell our parents about it. We’re free and clear.”

“So we can go on another date?” Tubbo grinned at them. “I was thinking the Science Musuem, what do you think? I hear they do demonstrations if you go in the morning.”

“Won’t we have school in the morning?” Ranboo frowned. “They run those for elementary school tours, right?” 

“Yeah, so we just skip off!” Tubbo waved a hand. “It’s a perfect fucking plan. And then after that date, we go to a musical or something. Maybe the planetarium.”

“Oh wow,” Ranboo said, eyes large. “We could go to a musical? On a date? To the theatre? Oh man, we could go to a musical on a date. We could do that.” They bit their lip. “Won’t that cost money, though?”

Tubbo shrugged. He was back to speaking at his normal volume. “Everything costs money, that’s what we’ve got you for.” He grinned at Ranboo.

Ranboo cleared their throat. “Uh, I actually gave all of my money to Puffy for the date. I’m broke. Is that gonna cause an issue for us dating?”

The goat hybrid grinned at him, then reached out and kindly patted his knee. “”Ranboo, it’s time for you to get into crime. You’re so tall, you just have to loom with a knife and we’ll make so much money.” He thwacked Tommy on the back. “Ranboo’s gonna do crime with us.”

“Pog, love crime,” Tommy said, not looking up. “Pog-eth, even. Forsooth, the Ranboo is-eth getting-eth lit-eth.”

“I’ve got dyslexia and I know that’s not how English works,” Tubbo told him. “Stop reading.”

“Fuck-eth off-eth,” Tommy said, turning the page. 

“Oh no, we need the money for our dates,” Ranboo said, picking nervously at the cuff of his shirt. “And also , what if we need to pay Puffy more money to date Niki? She’s gonna ask for more, probably. That’s a lot of money we need. Maybe I can ask my parents?”

Tubbo leaned back on his hands. “Or we hold up two gas stations, I bet we could do two in an evening. Maybe three, if we used bikes.”

“You’re doing what ?” said Niki’s voice, standing in the hallway with the flowers clutched in her hand. Puffy was standing behind her, looking stricken. 

“Oh hi Mrs Niki, ma’am,” Tubbo said, clearing his throat. “We wouldn’t do crime and we’re definitely not getting Ranboo into crime, nope.” He patted the stack of books next to him. “Just studying! Love studying.”

“I don’t care about that ,” Niki said. She was standing ramrod-straight, hands clenched at her sides. “Ranboo—you paid money for Puffy to date me?”

Tommy looked up from his book. “Oh shit.” He leaned towards Ranboo. “Methinks the shit-eth hath hitten the fan, bro.”

“Uh, well, uh,” Ranboo coughed, fighting the urge to scramble away like a crab. People were looking. Everything was falling apart. They were in trouble. They felt cold. “K-kind of? A little. It was just the money moms gave me, I didn’t steal or anything?”

Niki whirled around, staring back at Puffy. “You were talking to me because of money ?”

Puffy swallowed. “Uh, no, I mean.” She rubbed her mouth with a hand. “Uh, kind of.” She held out her hands imploringly. “But it wasn’t like that! I swear!” 

Niki sniffed. “I think you should leave now.” She wiped her eyes with a hand and handed the flowers back to Puffy. “You take these.” She wasn’t looking at the living room. “I think everybody should leave. Ranboo, show your friends out. I’m going to my room.” She left, disappearing down the hallway. 

He’d made his sister cry. Forget getting in trouble, he’d made Niki cry. Ranboo pushed himself to his feet. “Niki, I–”

Niki shut the door to her room. 

Ranboo looked at the other people in the living room. “I think, yeah. It’s time to leave.”

Chapter Text

Ranboo tapped on the door to Niki’s room. “Niki?”

There was a rustle of movement on the other side. “I’m studying.” Niki sounded stuffed up.

“Oh, that’s good, studying is good, you like studying.” Ranboo wrung his hands together and then made himself stop, picking at his cuff instead. “I uh, I cleaned the living room and put everything away, and I cleaned the windows, but I couldn’t find the Windex so I used kitchen cleaner, and I finished my English homework—I have to memorize a Shakespeare monologue and that’s all done, and my math’s done too. I was going to make supper, is it okay if I use the stove to make mac and cheese?”

Niki sniffed. “If I don’t talk to you, are you going to keep talking?”

“Uh, I mean, I can leave if you want,” Ranboo said, hooking their fingers under their cuffs and tugging on the fabric. They felt sick. “But I mean I’m gonna want to talk at some point, probably—I can come back later? Do you want to talk at supper time?”

A chair scraped as Niki got up. “No, fine. You want to talk, let’s talk.” She opened the door to the room and stared at her brother, then walked back to her desk. She picked a book back up and waved her other hand. “Go.”

Ranboo took a single step inside the door and clasped his hands behind his back. His fur was standing on end again. “Um.” He cleared his throat. “Uh so, I did pay for Puffy to go on a date with you, but that’s because you study so much, and never go out, and I wanted to make you happy.”

“No!” Niki was glaring in his direction, jaw set. “No you didn’t, that’s not what you were doing!”

Ranboo shrunk down a bit, hunching his shoulders. Niki had clearly been crying, and now she was mad at him. He was having a bad time. “Uh,” he tried. “That was part of it, you do study a lot, and that can’t be healthy–”

“I study cause I like what I’m learning!” Niki’s eyes were bright with tears, but she was glaring at him. “And I want to do a good job! I didn’t ask you to start meddling. I had—my first year–” She scrubbed a hand over her eyes and shook her head for a moment, emerging to glare in Ranboo’s direction. “I had bad experiences, okay? I don’t want to argue with someone I’m dating about theory and what’s important, I don’t want to get left behind, I don’t—I’m happy with friends! I’m happy , before you started messing around!” She threw up a hand. “Or I was , god.”

Their ears were pinning back despite their best efforts

Ranboo bit their lip. Their ears were pinning back despite their best efforts. They hadn’t known that about their sister. “You dated people in first year?” She’d dated people and it had gone poorly. They had known that she’d changed her major at the end of the year, and she’d seemed very determined about it. They’d thought that was all she’d done. They cleared their throat, looking away. “I didn’t—if I had known, I would have uh–”

“You don’t know a lot about me, Ranboo,” Niki said, tone flat. She sniffed and took a deep breath. “A lot happened in first year. I had some friends and now I don’t talk to them any more, I have new friends. I hang out with people who want to talk to me for me . And to find that you went in and meddled with that, and paid someone to get in my life, and I can’t trust–” She tipped her head and stared in his direction, jaw set. “It doesn’t feel great, Ranboo. Just because you wanted to put something over on our parents? Maybe they were right, you really aren’t ready to go out dating people.”

“Well, uh,” Ranboo opened his mouth and closed it again. “The actual dating went fine, nothing bad happened, it was just this…” He trailed off, looking at his sister’s expression. “I didn’t know—I thought it would be good,” he said, tone pleading. “I thought I was doing something good.”

“I’m sure you did,” Niki said. “People always do.” She looked back at her book. “You have anything else you want to say, or are we done here?” 

“I’ll—just go.” Ranboo pointed to the door, and then gripped his hands together. “I’ll just go.”

“You do that,” Niki said, staring at her book. 

The coffee shop bustled around the booth Ranboo and their sister were sitting at. They put aside their history book and cleared their throat. “I’m going to get a drink, I think, do you want something?”

Niki raised her eyebrows. “I thought you were out of money.”

She hadn’t come out of her room for supper the night before, even though he’d waited. He’d tried to make breakfast this morning, but she had eaten cereal without talking to him. He’d had to put aside the food for later, and he still wasn’t sure how well scrambled eggs saved. Ranboo picked at the edge of the table. “I found some birthday money I had saved, so I wanted to use it for a good thing.” He tried a smile. 

His sister looked back at her book. “I think you’ve spent enough money on me. Skip it.”

Ranboo deflated slightly. “Uh, should I get me a drink then?”

“Do what you want,” Niki said, picking up her highlighter. She underlined something on her page. “I didn’t ask you to come with me. You’re here because it’s a study session, not because I’m in charge of you.”

They swallowed. “Alright.” Ranboo slid out of the booth, looking between their sister and the front cash again. “Do you want a cookie?” they ventured. “I think there are ginger ones, and you like ginger ones.”

Niki didn’t look up from her book. “No. Thank you.”

Ranboo’s shoulder slumped. They started to turn towards the cash register then paused, eyes widening as Captain Puffy walked into the shop and headed towards them. The sheep hybrid nodded to Ranboo and slid into the booth across from Niki, where Ranboo had been a moment ago. 

“Hi,” she said. “I know you don’t gotta listen to me, but will you hear me out?” As soon as she spoke she winced and got halfway up again, starting to slide back out of the booth. “Shouldn’t have sat down. Shit. Uh—do you want me to just go?”

NIki was looking at her, expression closed. She shut her book and folded her hands on the table, raising her eyebrows. “You can say what you want to say and then leave, I think.”

“Right.” Puffy drew in a breath, sitting back down. “Uh, so, I don’t know if you’ll believe me, but I promise you I did not know I was being paid to date you. I thought your brother was trying to set you up and you were shy.” She waved a hand, looking across the table at the other woman. “I mean I thought maybe he might be trying to get to some drugs, or his friends were, but the fact that you were looking for someone—I thought that was true and I didn’t realise the rest of it.” Puffy cleared her throat. “And then you were great and I really—anyways I’m sorry.” She shoved her hands into the pockets of her leather jacket. “I swear I didn’t know. But yeah, that was mostly me being an idiot looking back, so. I’m sorry.”

Niki raised her eyebrows. “And you expect me to believe that?”

Puffy breathed out, and then smiled weakly. “Look, I’ve been hit in the head a lot of times.” Niki smiled slightly, eyebrows drawing together in pained reaction, and Puffy pressed forward. “I swear—doctors say I have complicated concussions or something?” She held her hand at head height to illustrate. “Just tall enough that the boom of a ship gets me right in the forehead, bam. And uh, a couple other things. Got in fights before. Smoked some shit. My memory is trash.”

“So your argument is that you didn’t remember?” Niki leaned back against the side of the booth, crossing her arms. “And then you went out and took me on dates and was all sweet by accident?”

Puffy perked up when the piglin woman said she was sweet, and then deflated again as the rest of the sentence hit her. She squared her shoulders. “Uh, I started talking to you cause, as far as I remember, I heard you were looking for someone. And then I kept talking cause I liked you.” She bit the inside of her cheek for a moment then shook her head briefly. “I mean I assume I got told that I was being paid at some point, and probably I should have picked something up when your brother there actually handed me some money, but I just thought you were close.”

Niki looked up at Ranboo, and for a heart-stopping second he thought she was going to deny their closeness. Not that he wouldn’t deserve it, maybe, but he didn’t want to hear that. He didn’t—he hadn’t—he’d just—Ranboo looked at her pleadingly, ears pinned back. His sister pressed her lips together. “I see,” she said, looking back at Puffy.

“So I’m gonna go in a second,” Puffy said, “But I wanted to get it all out—cause the way I see it we’ve got two options. Maybe three.” She held up fingers to count them. “One is I get out of your hair and we never see each other again. Maybe I fucking drop out of school, it’s not like I’m getting much out of it.” She moved to another finger. “Uh, option two is I go to book club with you but we don’t do anything more of what we were doing, or anything.” She cleared her throat. “I did listen to that whole book, so I’m kinda interested to see what you do about it.” 

Niki’s expression was closed, not giving anything away. She put a hand on the table and drew a small pattern with a fingertip. “And the third option?” 

“Right.” Puffy moved to the final finger, looking across the table at Niki. “Long shot on this one, but I was thinking maybe if you wanted to take your brother for all he’s got, they’ve got a crazy amount of money for a high schooler.” Puffy shrugged a shoulder. “And I’d like to see you again, if that’s like—on the table. I was having a good time before everything blew up.”

Niki looked at her, then breathed out and sunk her face into her hands. “God,” she said, muffled.

“You don’t have to decide right now!” Puffy hurried to say. She held a hand out across the table, half-standing up. “You don’t have to decide at all—I can just leave—and you don’t have to see me again, that’s probably simplest.”

“Sit,” Niki said, emerging from her hands and pointing to the other side of the table. Puffy sat down. Niki took a deep breath. “I think—I’m thinking about this.” She covered her face with her hands again, pressing her palms in. “Relationships are important, and I’m rebuilding, and–” she made a frustrated noise.

“Uh,” Ranboo took a step back towards the table, clearing their throat. “Can I say something?” They chuckled anxiously. “If we’re all saying things?” Ranboo looked around. “Even though it’s kind of a public place, people might hear, y’know. Gonna cause gossip!” They chuckled again. Maybe a touch of levity would help this conversation. 

Niki put her hands down on the table, looking up at Ranboo. “You want us to go home to have this talk?” She tilted her head to the side fractionally. 

The levity hadn’t helped. Ranboo took immediate evasive manoeuvres. “Nope, we can do it here!” Their voice was a little higher pitched than usual. “Love to have conversations. Uh–” They gripped the edge of the booth until their knuckles went white, inhaling before they resumed. “I was thinking about it, and I think maybe I did not—I mean obviously I did not—if you look at the repercussions— I had a good thing in mind but the way I went about it was—I wasn’t thinking of the effects, especially on you—I mean also Puffy I guess, hahah—so there was a bit of an issue, maybe definitely–” 

They were babbling. Niki was still looking at them, but she had a familiar expression on her face, something they’d seen before. That was patience with them getting their words tangled. Ranboo sucked in a breath and made themself breathe out, balling their fists at their sides. 

“I didn’t do a good thing, I shouldn’t have done it. I’m s-sorry.” He cleared his throat. “I wasn’t—I’m sorry.” His fur was standing on end from stress and he felt wrung out, his words falling off his tongue like weights. It didn’t feel like explaining this more would make it better. Ranboo wrapped one arm around himself and rubbed his collarbone with his other hand. “I love you.”

NIki exhaled, tension draining out of her. “It’s fine.” She waved a hand. “I know it’s just cause you wanted to hang out with your boyfriend.” She tipped her head to the side. “And his best friend? Did I hear you say that he came along on the date too?”

“Well, Tubbo isn’t technically my boyfriend yet, really, we’re more study buddies with opportunity to expand,” Ranboo started. “And Tommy’s more of a rejected lab partner and partner in Tubbo’s crime and uh, also he just shows up places.” He squeezed a hand around the side of his own neck and then let go. “And he has to come along so he knows all the jokes. It takes a really long time to tell him them if he isn’t there, so it’s simpler to just bring him along. And he’s funny sometimes. And he’s Tubbo’s friend, so, yeah.”

“Right,” Niki said, a rueful smile pulling at her lips. “Yeah, that sounds right.”

“I didn’t–” Ranboo gripped the side of the booth again. “I didn’t want you to say we weren’t friends. We’re still friends, right?” 

Niki smiled more genuinely at him. She wiped a hand over her mouth for a moment. “Yes. We’re still friends. But–” She pointed at Ranboo, raising her eyebrows. 

Ranboo straightened up. “Yes? Anything you need, I can do to help, I’m learning, I’ll do better. I already know not to do that over again, so that’s gonna be much better in the future, you don’t have to worry. And I am getting better at cooking and didn’t even set off the fire alarm this morning because I remembered to take the batteries out, and I can clean too, mostly, I think, kind of.” He paused to suck in a breath. 

Niki filled the gap. “You’re funding my dates now.”

There was a pause where both people on the other side of the table blinked at her, and then Puffy broke into a broad grin, arm coming up in a very tiny fist-pump of joy. 

Ranboo visibly cycled through relief and shock before clearing their throat. “Hah, right, like I was doing before. Awesome. Uh, I’m kind of out of money–” They took in their sister’s expression and hurried to correct themself. “But I can get more! I can, uh, I can ask moms. I’ll say I need it for school, school is a good reason to need money, right?”

“You could even look into getting a job, maybe,” Puffy contributed, still grinning.

Ranboo didn’t do a very good job of hiding his expression of horror. “I’m not sure I’d be very good at a job,” he said, picking at his cuffs. 

Niki laughed, sinking her head in her hands. “Oh god. What am I gonna do with you two.”

Ranboo carefully unfolded a pamphlet and set it up on the floor in front of him, clearing his throat. “Alright, so.” He held out his hands in front of him. “I don’t have my whiteboard, so you’re gonna have to bear with me on this. RENT is a Tony-and-Pulitzer-prize winning rock musical based on the opera La bohème that is currently running on Broadway, and also, it’s coming here on tour. It is extremely important for our education and our street cred that we go see it for our next date, and we should also dress up.” He picked up a piece of paper, laying it carefully on the floor next to the brochure. “I’ve taken the liberty of designing some outfits for us to wear.”

“I dunno man, I still think we should go see Romeo & Juliet,” Tommy contributed from where he was lying upside down on the couch. “Juliet gets fucked up, man, it’s not even fucking fair.”

Ranboo sniffed minutely at that. “Their score is lackluster.” He turned to Tubbo. “As the next step in our development as a gay couple, it’s important that we see a musical, I feel.” He looked pleadingly at the goat hybrid.

Tubbo picked up the outfits sheet and looked at it. His eyebrows rose slightly. “Have you got me in a hat in this, bossman?”

Ranboo leaned over and looked at the sheet, nodding. “Yeah. Knitted.” He pointed to the shorter of two stick figures. “And then I didn’t think you’d want to wear the sequins, so the rest of your outfit is also mostly knitwear.”

“I can wear sequins,” Tommy said instantly, before falling off the couch. “Fuck. Shit. My fuckin’ nose,” he said into the floor.

“If you must come with us,” Ranboo said with dignity. “ You can wear florals. I will be wearing a tasteful sequin tie with my funeral suit, and we’re gonna look so good.” They looked up as the doorbell rang, then looked at Tubbo. Tubbo shrugged. 

Niki emerged from her room and went to the door, Puffy trailing behind. She opened it up to reveal a tall piglin with pink braided hair and a shorter avian hybrid in a striped hat. “Hi Niki,” the shorter man said, followed by “Hey,” from the tall piglin. 

“Hi, come on in. Good to see you.” Niki stepped out of the way to allow the two visitors into her house. 

They both stepped inside, glancing around. The piglin spotted Ranboo and waved awkwardly. “Hey Ran.”

Ranboo waved back at their fencing tutor. Seeing him out of context was odd just to start with, and they weren’t exactly sure how to process him in Niki’s apartment, much less the information they had picked up from overheard conversations. “Hi.” They tipped their head to the side, unsure how to say this. “You got—were you in—you’re not in jail anymore?”

Technoblade blinked at him, then waved a hand. “Oh, nah, that never lasts long. They can’t make the charges stick.” He nodded to the assortment of paper Ranboo had arrayed around himself. “You plannin’ somethin’?” 

Ranboo flushed slightly, fiddling with the edge of the outfit plan. “Ah, an event—a meeting with my—friend.”

Niki leaned her hip on the back of the couch, smiling slightly at him. The avian man had come in with a tupperware full of something, which she now held with one arm. “He means a date, actually,” she informed the two newcomers to the apartment. “He’s dating now. And actually, he’s going on one right now, so shoo, all of you head on down to McDonalds or something.”

“But—wait,” Ranboo said, stumbling to his feet. “Now? But we haven’t planned anything—there’s no outfits—what if we mess it up?”

“We’re really new to dating,” Tubbo said by way of explanation as he stood up and dusted his hands on his pants. “Still working on the meta.”

“I’m fuckin’ killer at dating,” Tommy announced, pulling himself off the floor. His nose was bleeding slightly. “The best. The ladies love me, also.” 

Tubbo made a non-committal noise.

“Sure you are, Tommy,” the avian man said, grinning. “We all believe you.” He was wearing a courier bag over one shoulder, and he started unpacking bottles full of liquid onto the table, ignoring Tommy’s immediate spluttering. “We still good to set up in here, Niki?”

“Sure,” Niki nodded. “I have some more things in my room. Puffy, if you could?”

Puffy saluted the piglin woman and headed out of the room, whistling under her breath. 

“But, uh,” Ranboo eyed the mysterious objects on the table, the tupperware his sister was holding, and the other people in the room. “Can’t I stay?” He saw Niki start to shake her head and darted forward in the conversation. “I’ll be so well behaved, and quiet–” he tried a hopeful smile. “I won’t even pay someone to meddle with your life while they don’t know what’s going on, isn’t that worth something?”

Niki held up a finger. “First of all, you’d better not.” She grinned at her brother, brushing her hair out of her face. “And second of all, no. This is book club, and I’m bringing Puffy to it as a date. I go on a date, you go on a date, isn’t that the deal?” She tipped her head to the side. “I mean that’s what I was planning on telling moms, did you not want me to do that?”

Ranboo opened their mouth and then frowned at their sister. 

Niki laughed. She flapped a hand at them. “Go, go hang out. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, but I am having a date here, and you did not do the pre-reading for it. You found me a decent girlfriend, go on.”

Puffy had returned with a cardboard box she brought towards the table. Tubbo hooked his arm in Ranboo’s, tugging him towards the door. “C’mon, bossman, you still have that birthday money, right. You said?”

Ranboo tried one last time, looking at the kitchen table as he took a step towards the door. “Can I join book club next time? I’ll do the reading, I’ve been doing all my homework.”

“I wouldn’t,” Tubbo said cheerfully. “Reading sucks.”

“Next year, when you’re a student, maybe.” Niki headed towards the kitchen and her friends. “Have fun on your date!”

The avian man waved cheerfully towards them as he sat down. “Bye!”

Puffy looked over at Technoblade as she pulled out a seat for Niki. “So we’re going after a police station, you said?”

Ranboo found himself hustled outside, looking longingly back through the door as he saw Niki and Puffy sitting next to each other at the table. Technoblade was bringing out what looked like a large knife. The door shut and he looked around his friend group outside the door, getting his bearings. 

Tommy reached up to adjust his horn headband. “Can you buy us chicken again, Ranboo?”

Ranboo patted their pockets. “I forgot my wallet,” they announced. They laughed anxiously. “Great start to a date, I can—maybe we can go do crime or something. I’m not sure how good I’d be at crime, I think Niki would see it if I went back through the door, but maybe I can get in through the apartment window and get my wallet that way. You probably wouldn’t want to see me if I can’t do the refreshments, I mean obviously, what else do I bring to the table. Silly for even asking, I’ll just go around back and see if I could climb up the drainpipe, then. Alright!”

Tubbo tipped his head to the side, looking at him. “Do you want to come back to my place and set off bottle rockets in the backyard?”

Ranboo frowned at him, still anxiously gripping the edge of their shirt. “I thought your landlord said that wasn’t allowed any more.”

Tubbo grinned. “Landlord’s on vacation.”

Ranboo breathed out, then took Tubbo’s hand. His boyfriend squeezed back, falling into step alongside him. Tommy trailed along a few steps behind, whistling tunelessly. “Yeah, sure. That sounds good.” Ranboo looked at Tubbo. “This isn’t our official second date though, that’s gonna be the musical. This is just a half date or something. In-between date. Like hanging out, but extra.”

“Alright, bossman,” Tubbo swung their hands together. “Super-special hangin’ out together that your parents might get mad at if we did it wrong. Let’s go.”

Ranboo took a deep breath, grinned, and headed out.