Chapter Text
The alarm rings loudly at 4:30 in the morning. It's an ugly sound, hurtful as well, scratching at his eardrums with no mercy as he shifts around the bed blindly in search for his phone. Fingers find a cold surface underneath the pillow. They turn off that damn thing.
Wooyoung sighs loudly and opens his eyes. It's dark inside his small bedroom, outside the sky has not changed its color yet either. Outside his room, someone just closed a door and a light is turned on in the common hallway between the three separated bedrooms. He doesn't even need to guess who it is, because before he can even sit up, his door is opened widely, revealing a tired tall and slim man dressed in pink pajamas with a bunny pattern everywhere.
Wooyoung blinks at him. Sleep is still clinging onto his eyelids for some reason and for the first time in weeks, he wishes he didn't have to wake up this early in the morning.
"I'll go wake Mingi up." Seonghwa whispers and all Wooyoung does is nod his head.
He's been living with his coach and teammate for over two years now, after an unfortunate mixed episode he had in which he almost took his own life in front of his mother. That night he managed to officially push everyone from his family out of his life. He doesn't blame her, really, he's a lot to deal with, but even now, two years later, he still dreams the horror in her eyes when she saw him in the bathroom with the blade of a knife dug into his arm. She wanted to take him to a special hospital once again, the third time in less than two years, she blamed him for not taking his meds as he should, she yelled at him that he was not only ruining his life but also hers. She's right, he does have a talent to ruin himself in the worst ways possible, but it's as if he wished to get his dad's illness at birth.
Having Bipolar 1 sucks, especially when you get diagnosed late in your teenage years when all you want is to achieve your dreams.
He got diagnosed at sixteen, one year before he officially debuted at the Winter Olympics. It was as if it wasn't enough he sacrificed his whole childhood for this sport; all of a sudden he also had to go crazy. It was harsh, horrible, terrifying to experience his first manic episode at sixteen years old. He scared the shit out of everyone dear to him at the time, but if he looks back, those times were nothing compared to what came next.
Wooyoung doesn't really hate his life, but he can't say he likes it either. He's a very lonely person; he decided it was for the best after so many people got hurt because of him in the past. He's a cold person as well, and only has three people he genuinely likes in this world of his. His coach, who saved him from his misery when he was at his lowest in 2021, Mingi, who as much as he tries to see as an opponent in this sport he cannot because this guy has too big of a heart and is too talented for his own good and Yeosang, who's been by his side ever since they were kids. He loves Yeosang the most, because even after twenty years of being friends and witnessing all the thing he did to himself, he still remained by his side.
Wooyoung doesn't think he deserves Yeosang as his best friend. He's far from a good person, they all know it, Yeosang knows it too, yet he never leaves, which only grows the guilt he constantly feels when he looks at him.
Footsteps and a slammed door snap him out of his random thoughts. Seonghwa hums to a song inside the kitchen, Mingi yawns loudly like an animal and Wooyoung finally urges himself to push the fluffy and warm blanket off himself. He's never been a morning person, but waking up before five is a must for him and his friend. This is their life, filled with constant training until their limbs hurt, until their bones shout in despair that they are about to give up on them, until their lungs are on fire, until the whole rink spins along with them, until there is no air left in them to breathe. This has been Wooyoung's life for more than fourteen years now, since he was a ten year old child with only one dream: to compete in the Olympics.
He hisses in pain a little when his left foot comes in contact with the floor. Yesterday, he landed a Triple Axel too hard on his ankle and despite the ice and numbing gel he put on it, it still managed to swell overnight. Pain is something he is already accustomed to. Without pain, there are no great results, without pain he knows he is not good enough. Pain is a good friend of his, it always warns him when it's too much, but Wooyoung always makes sure to ignore it's advices way too often.
Pain keeps him alive.
He limps outside his room and almost bumps into Mingi who just walks towards the bathroom.
"How's the leg?" He's giant in Wooyoung's opinion, and having to force his neck upwards at such early hour is not his cup of tea. But he's a lovely giant, with round and sparkly dark brown eyes, a cheeky smile and a huggable body. Right now, Mingi's bleached white hair is all over the place, but he looks awake enough to be concerned.
"Swollen." Wooyoung raises his leg for him to see the beautiful ankle. Mingi whistles. "I'll have to wrap it tightly so it doesn't get worst throughout the day."
"Or maybe you can take it easy today." Seonghwa's face pops from behind the wall. He has a kind smile curling his lips on both sides, dark brown eyes gleaming at him. Wooyoung fakes a smile in response, but shakes his head, obviously making the older pout before mumbling something to himself while disappearing back into the kitchen. "You know, small breaks are not going to kill you!" He shouts.
Mingi chuckles and pats his shoulder.
"Gonna take a shower. Do you need the bathroom?"
"You can use it." Wooyoung proceeds to limp his way into the kitchen.
He is not someone used to breaks and having a kind and warm coach. This is not how he was raised, this is not something his mother would allow. Having his own parent as his coach ever since he was a four year old boy turned him into an ice cold man. His mother, a retired world champion figure skater, made sure to work him to the bone so he would achieve the same greatness before eighteen, just like she did. He failed her, not once, not twice, but so many times. Maybe this is also what triggered his illness one year before the Olympics, maybe this is what he was meant to be, a failure and a big disappointment in her eyes. But then Seonghwa appeared, who, two years ago was like a bright and warm ray of sunshine which fought its way though a thick layer of gray clouds. He saved Wooyoung when he was at his lowest, and taught him that achieving great things doesn't need to involve torturing himself until he can't take it anymore.
Wooyoung still has a long way to go. Not even after two years can he let go of some habits and rules, and not taking much breaks while training for international competitions is something he cannot let go of just yet.
"Let me see that leg." Seonghwa urges him to sit down on a stool near the white island from the middle of the kitchen. Wooyoung obliges without a word. He stretches his whole leg onto the other stool and pulls the end of his sweats upwards so his coach can have a better look at his ankle.
It doesn't look that bad in his opinion, he's got worse injuries over the years. It is swollen yes, a little red and purple, but nothing too bad. He broke his ankle once, five years ago and had to take some time out off ice. That was one of the biggest pains he has ever lived until now, but it did not compare at all to when he broke his left leg after attempting a Quad Axel due to his mom's request. It's a jump he still cannot do, and it's not like many can actually, but he wants to learn to do one before the upcoming Olympics. If he manages to learn how to do one, to land it perfectly with no mistake, he would break the world record which would get him that gold medal he has been dreaming of ever since he was a child.
"Do you really not want to jump over the morning practice? You've been working so hard..."
"Give me some painkillers and bandages and I'm brand new." Wooyoung interrupts him.
Seongwha looks worried, but there is nothing to be worried about in the first place. He'll put some numbing gel and wrap it tightly and if he also takes some pain killers he should be fine.
He always is.
The older knows he cannot win this argument even if he tried, so with a soft sigh and a roll from his eyes, Seonghwa pats his shoulder once and walks over to the cabinet. That's the cabinet only he is allowed to use, he even has a key to it and it's only Wooyoung's fault. He had a bad habit to skip his meds and when having heavy episodes, he would sometimes swallow more pills than necessary which would only make it worse. He's had overdoses in his painful and sad life, multiple than he should have had. Seonghwa found him once, brought him to the hospital, argued with his mother when she had the guts to blame it on the older and made sure to never force Wooyoung to see her from that day. Two years later, Wooyoung never saw her once and he feels a little lighter if he's being honest.
Seonghwa takes his meds out and lines them in front of him. Three pills every morning, two pills before sleep, an ongoing routine he hates to the core which Seonghwa is very strict about. He wants the younger to be better, and knows that, if not monitored carefully, Wooyoung could fall back and even Wooyoung is scared of doing so.
A mug with two illustrated kittens is pushed in front of him. It's filled with lukewarm water. When he looks up, Seonghwa is already watching him with that soft and warm smile of his plastering his plump lips.
"I'm making scrambled eggs." He says as the younger drowns one white pill. "Tell me if you want something else."
"Scrambled eggs are good."
"Great." He walks over to the cabinet and locks it, hiding the key in the pocket of his sweats. Wooyoung takes the second pill and drowns it with water. When he gets to the third one, a plate is pushed in front of him. "I'll get you some painkillers too, but take them after a while. Four pills are too much for now."
Wooyoung hums in response. He loved Seonghwa's cooking, he can fell the love he has for food in each dish he makes for him and Mingi, and now, at almost five in the morning, this breakfast is just so lovely.
The white haired joins them not too late, smelling of his minty shower gel when he sits down next to Wooyoung. They eat in silence, too tired to talk with each other in this particular moment.
❄❄❄
The first half of the day goes by just as usual, with his morning practice and Seonghwa's multiple attempts of making him actually take a break due to his ankle. They cut it short to Wooyoung's displeasure, but he made a silent promise to himself to go to the rink earlier before Yeosang's class with the kids. He doesn't know how his best friend does it, with classes piling up alongside his four days of teaching kids how to skate. He never thought he'd see Yeosang teach kids this early in his life, he never thought he'd see him go to university. He always thought they would be champions together, that they would skate their way up to the podiums and they would be well knowns around the whole world. Sadly, only one of them managed to get known by the world.
Yeosang had an awful accident back when they were teenagers. He's always had a weak back, that much he knew and always took care of not forcing it too much, but when he had that awful fall in which not only did he crack his skull but also broke his leg in two places, they both knew that was the end of Yeosang's professional career. Wooyoung cried for him few weeks, he never thought his best friend would move on. He's certain that, if it was him in his place, he would have rather killed himself than live with the constant reminder that he was never going to make it. But here lies the difference between them; Yeosang is a sane person unlike him and even if his dream was shattered just like his leg, his love and passion for skating never died. Instead, it grew more and pushed him to teach young kids with the same dream.
He's good at his job, really good, no wonder he chose pedagogy three years ago. He loves them, loves seeing them grow and perfect themselves, loves teaching them and helping them when they fall and cry. Sometimes, Wooyoung watches his classes from afar and each time he does so, a part of his cold heart warms just a little.
Today, Yeosang is way earlier than usually at the rink. It's barely four, and his class starts at six and ends at eight, but he's here, seated on a red couch in the main lobby, eyes drowned in something in his phone. He's dressed lightly despite the cold weather from outside and also the cool air from inside the rink. Just a pair of thin looking sweatpants, sneakers and a large gray hoodie. Wooyoung notices the way his knee bounces up and down rapidly, sign he is nervous about something.
"Already skipping seminars?" He jokes as he stops in front of him, clearly startling the black haired man. Yeosang flinches and looks up with a pair of dark and gleamy eyes he loves. Wooyoung smiles and sits down next to him, making sure to glue their thighs to each other. He drops his bag on the floor. "You're never here at this hour, only in the weekends and on Thursday."
"It is Thursday." Yeosang flicks his forehead and shakes his head, an amused smile curling the corner of his lips upwards.
Wooyoung feels very dumb. Has already the week passed this quickly?
"You are never here at this hour. You always come at five or six and stay until closing time."
The younger looks away from him. He knows he'll be scolded once he finds out he left without telling Seonghwa in advance. The morning session was too short for his likings. It wasn't nearly close to enough and it's just because of his stupid ankle. He glances down at it and curses it mentally. It doesn't hurt that much, but he did take two painkillers not just one, drowned it in numbing gel and wrapped it tightly with the bandages. It's pulsating rapidly, but instead of burning up as it should it feels cold and frozen.
"Got a short practice this morning." He sighs and stretches out his left leg. If only he didn't land badly.
Yeosang hums next to him.
"Injury?" He asks.
"Ankle."
"Take it easy." A warm hand reaches his fingers and he squeezes the soft material of his own sweater. Wooyoung's eyes find his once again. Yeosang is smiling, softly and with a lot of understanding in his eyes. "Maybe this is a sign you need a break."
Wooyoung shakes his head rapidly. The older sighs.
"Two days won't kill you."
Yes they will. He cannot go without one day off the ice. It just doesn't feels right, it almost feel illegal for him. He is not allowed breaks, not when he went on for so long with such few of them. His mother would never agree with it. She would think the same: a sprained ankle can heal in time even if he practices daily. Yes, it will hurt, yes it will take a much longer time, but somehow it will heal. What would she even think of him if she knew they were insisting he took a break just because of his stupid ankle? Pathetic.
"It doesn't hurt that bad." He's experienced worse pains throughout his life and this annoying injury is not one of them.
After so many years, Yeosang knows not to argue. He'll never win an argument with Wooyoung when it comes to prioritizing skating over his own health. His body is just not as worthy as this sport and the feeling of achieving his lifetime goal. After he retires, maybe he can start putting his body on number one, but until that day he gets the golden medal at the Winter Olympics comes, he will destroy himself slowly if it means he'll get it.
"I'm thinking of trying the Quad Axel again." It's been a whole year ever since he stopped trying it. It was mostly due to Seonghwa's ongoing complaints he should not force his leg when it still heals after he broke it that time. He knows his coach has his good reasons, but he knows he can do it. He can break the world record, he can spin fast enough to land four spins not three and a half and then fail to land on ice like he always did when he tried to do it. His thighs are strong enough, are well built for hard jumps, his body is lean enough and he knows how to speed and gain momentum before a jump. He hasn't figured the right amount of speed for this one just yet, but with practice, he can do it.
Yeosang stays quiet for a moment.
"You really want to break the world record, don't you?"
They look at each other.
"I don't want to, I need to. There's a difference."
"Of course." His tone denotes he does not believe him. It just annoys Wooyoung. Why can't he be supportive for once? Why can't they all be supportive and believe in him when he knows he can do it? Why are they all so evil?
He cracks his knuckles loudly in annoyance.
He'll show them, he'll show them all.
He stands up abruptly and a new wave of unwanted pain shoots throughout his left leg. Still, he keeps a neutral face when he looks down at Yeosang.
"I'm gonna go practice a little. Wanna join?" They haven't skated together in a while and he kind of misses it dearly. Skating sessions with Yeosang were always freeing for him even if his best friend stopped doing hard jumps for a reason. He does doubles, but rarely forces himself in doing triples. Quads are out of question anyway for him.
The nervousness from before he made his presence notices is back. The older looks away from him, his knee starts bouncing up and down once again and Wooyoung frowns in confusion. He can read this man like an open book, so what in the world makes him so nervous? The raven haired tilts his head to his left.
"What is it?"
Yeosang sighs. He avoids making eye contact as he also stands up and only look at Wooyoung once his slender fingers squeeze the meat of his arms.
"There's a private practice right now." He looks more than just nervous, almost guilty of something the younger knows he could have not done. Private practices are common at this rink, both he and Mingi do so either before the kids come around or after. He prefers the morning mainly do to this. The rink is always closed for the public until five. But he came around on Thursdays earlier plenty of times, and there was always no one on ice. He's the only crazy one who works himself to the bone every single day. "We have someone new joining our club." Yeosang explains with a loud sigh finishing his sentence.
Wooyoung frowns.
"New?" His best friend nods. "As in a new athlete?" He nods once again. This is weird, even he considers so. They've been the same ones for years now, and only some left to train in Montreal. But those who left never returned and he does not remember noticing any aspiring boy or girl who could have the level to train here with the elites. Even the kids joining Yeosang's classes are of rich families who can afford paying good money to have their kid taught by good skaters. "Junior or senior?"
Yeosang does a weird face as if trying not to scoff and chuckle at the same time.
"Senior."
Beyond weird.
"He's not entirely new, well, they are not entirely new to us." Yeosang scratches the back of his neck. His teeth dig into the soft flesh of his lower lip painfully, pumping the blood so it comes to life. "They just returned."
It takes Wooyoung a long moment to think it through. He's obviously talking about a pair of skaters, which means he does not have a new rival on rink at least. Pair skaters... He's met some, grew up with some, watched at least three pairs leave for Montreal to train over the years. He hasn't watched them on TV, he wasn't really interested in what others did, but he did watch one pair sometimes when competitions were around the same time as his own. One retired, the other one well he doesn't really know much of and the last one...His heart comes to a full stop for a brief second and he looks back at Yeosang.
Watching him go from nervous to anxious to looking so fucking uncomfortable gives Wooyoung the painful answer he did not wish to have at all until the day he died.
He sighs.
"It's San, isn't it?"
Slowly but surely, Yeosang nods.
Wonderful, just wonderful. He takes a deep breath and tries to calm the rising anger in his chest. His fists clench next to his thighs and he bites the inside of his cheek hard. He hasn't seen this man in person for a long time, maybe six to seven years ago if he forces his brain to calculate the years which have past. The last time they spoke was before their first ever Olympics. It was Wooyoung who made it clear he wanted nothing to do with San, who, at that time, had been his best friend, a boy whom he had been so much closer than he had with Yeosang, someone who had been by his side ever since they were four. He's the one who cut all strings between them, he's the one who blocked his number, he's the one who distanced himself, he's the one who fell in a black and deep hole of misery and San never came back for him as a savior. He disappeared, all of a sudden, after the Olympics and only later did he find out he moved, along with his coach and skating partner, to Montreal for good.
Wooyoung does not regret the decision he made at the time. It's for the best, he should have known it back then too, but he was too stupid, too young, too terrified of the sudden illness that bloomed inside his brain. He could not control it yet.
There's no real reason he should feel annoyed in this moment, but he does and without really wanting to, he pushes Yeosang out of his way and walks over to the windows. Why would he return now, after so many years of being on the other side of the planet? He doesn't even blink as he stares down at the empty rink. Only three people are inside, two skating around beautifully and one standing straight by the edge, watching them closely and sometimes giving them instructions.
He's watched them on screens when his idiotic heart would find a way to make Wooyoung miss him just a little and every time, he would make sure to punish himself for feeling such thing. He should not miss San, not after all he's done to him, not after all these years, not when he doesn't want to be connected to him anymore, so he does need to punish himself when his heart steps out of line. But he cannot deny that, each time he watches their routines, they look even more beautiful than in the past. San was always a beautiful skater, and Wooyoung always admired him for that. He wasn't as strict to himself as Wooyoung was, he was never that obsessed with perfecting his moves and angles and the way he slid the blade of his skate over the ice like Wooyoung did. Wooyoung always wondered how life can be for someone who does not see mistakes in the way the blade doesn't slide straight on the soft surface beneath, or if the momentum is too much for a jump despite landing it perfectly, or if the angle in which the skates are tilted before a spin or jump is not perfect. These stuff always angered Wooyoung, they still do despite perfecting them in time, but in comparison to San, who now skates in a way which makes him blend in perfectly with the ice, Wooyoung is stiffer, much more controlled and much more perfect. He can see, even from this distance, how imperfect San is, but this imperfection makes him look beyond beautiful.
"Why did they return?" He asks without taking his eyes off the two. Yeosang rests his elbow on his shoulder.
"I heard Seoyeon is getting married." Wooyoung's eyes land on the woman. He also grew up with her, all four of them grew up together on this rink, in this place. She was always a warm hearted girl, even when little, and always stuck close to them despite being the only girl in the group. She's pretty, with pale skin, slender frame perfect for throwing in the air, long black hair tied in a sight bun so it doesn't bother her.
"With Minho?" He glances over to Yeosang who nods. "Damn."
"Ten years, can you believe it?" He chuckles, but a proud smile curls his lips upwards. Wooyoung looks back at them. He remembers the days when they were kids and together with Yeosang, they were counting the days until San asked her out.
They always thought San would be the one for her and he himself believed it without even noticing San already had eyes for someone else. Then Minho appeared when they were in seventh grade, fresh and new in the junior hockey team which used to practice at this rink too. That's when Seoyeon met him and two years later, they were a cute couple already. Over the years, they moved to a bigger space, leaving this one for the figure skaters, so the times in which Wooyoung saw Minho became less and less until they stopped eventually. And now she is marrying him.
"He's changed a lot." Yeosang remarks with a little bitterness in his voice.
Indeed, San has changed a lot over the years. He no longer possesses that slender and thin teenage body, instead being replaced by some toned muscles and a triangular shape many men desire. He lost the innocence of a child over time, and matured nicely. Sharp cheeks, perfect jawline, small yet kind eyes which turn into two lines when smiling, bright red hair. He looks nice.
"Red suits him." Yeosang adds.
"Mhm..." Wooyoung hums. As much as he would love watching them (in another life maybe), he needs to practice. "Do you think they can spare half of the rink? It's quite big."
Yeosang sighs.
"You're unbelievable." His best friend grabs his shoulder. "They'll be done in twenty." He points at the schedule on the wall. No one usually uses it, since athletes practice all the time and if they are to be at the same time here, then sharing is caring.
He always shares his space with Mingi and Sunghoon, who is the newest addition to the club after passing his senior test four months ago. He's not coached by Seonghwa, but they always seem to intersect with each other over the morning practice sessions. He's a talented boy, eighteen years old, and sometimes Wooyoung sees himself in the boy. He's fast, does his spins and jumps perfectly, at perfect angles and rotations and never misses one landing. He also saw him trying the Quad Axel last week, which, to his huge displeasure, made Wooyoung anxious. He cannot let anyone else take what is his.
"I need to practice." Wooyoung cuts him before ha can say anything else. Yeosang looks both annoyed and disappointed.
"Twenty minutes."
"Does it look like I give a shit?" He points at his face in a circular motion coming from his index finger. "No."
Yeosang groans.
"I will not let you." His hold over his shoulder intensifies. "You're just gonna show off, won't you?" A muscle on his face dares to twitch as he looks at his best friend. "Their coach asked for a private practice for a reason. They just got here, they need to get used to the ice."
The raven haired rolls his eyes.
"What are they? Babies?"
"Wooyoung." His fists clench. "Twenty minutes." He hisses.
They hold a painful eye contact. Wooyoung desires to argue, maybe make a small scene, maybe act like the jerk he usually is, but it's Yeosang and he cannot be a bitch with him. He's been through enough already just because of his pure existence and every time he gets these thoughts, he has to fight them in order not to put the man in more pain the necessary. He sighs in defeat and nods.
"Make it fifteen."
"You annoying bitch." Yeosang flicks his arm with a half smile to which Wooyoung replies. "You're gonna make me skate too?"
He chuckles.
"You're getting rusty old man, besides, I need someone around if I attempt the Quad." He receives another flick, but this time on his forehead.
"On a sprained ankle?"
"I barely feel a thing after the numbing gel." He shrugs his shoulders.
"Whatever you say."
Being a patient man was never Wooyoung's forte so these fifteen minutes do pass very slow. He forces Yeosang to follow him in the locker room as he changes into his skating clothes and while he does so, his best friend starts his daily complaint about his boyfriend, who won some match at LOL last night which made Yeosang to loser. It's a little weird, to be close to Jongho when he's San's cousin, but it's not like he can push his best friend's man over such small matter. He wonders if he knows San's back in the country for good since Jongho doesn't really talk much about him.
"Did you talk to them yet?" He interrupts Yeosang's rant about Jongho as he zips up his his fleece jacket to his chin.
Yeosang shakes his head.
"They were already on the ice when I arrived." Wooyoung sits down and grabs one black skate from his bag. "Their manager told me it was a private practice and that they would appreciate it if I spread the word for others who arrived later. He left after our brief conversation." He shrugs his shoulders. "Then I walked over to the windows and got all my answers."
Once he's done tying his skates, he waits for Yeosang to do the same. He has no reason to feel nervous, but he does and silently, he blames his brain for overthinking once again. The sliding door opens, blasting the cool air from inside towards their faces and bodies. Instinctively, he glances over at Yeosang.
"Aren't you going to freeze?"
The older chuckles. "I have three layers, love. No one's freezing here."
The sound of skates cutting through the ice reaches his ears but he refuses to look in the direction. He follows Yeosang silently as they approach the main gate where San's and Seoyeon's coach stands. She's an old friend of his mom's and Wooyoung wonders if they still talk. Even after San left, he remembers the long conversations she would have with this woman at least twice a week, so he wonders if she spread the word about him leaving home and being a brat to everyone in his life. Before they even reach her, Lee Youngsoon turns her head towards them.
Her dark brown eyes lose their warmth in a second when they land on his face. She has the same nasty character as his mom, that's why they are such good friends. She's strict, cold with people she does not find interesting or likable, but there is a small difference between her and his mom. There is no frustration built up in her bones, which makes her somewhat likeable unlike his mom. Her athletes are her main focus, but she would never force them over their boundaries. Still, she's a nasty woman in Wooyoung's opinion and her respect for him died seven years ago.
Youngsoon seems to acknowledge Yeosang only after they stop before her. In the background, San and Seoyeon still skate, far away in their own world.
"Is it already four thirty?" The woman asks. There's no warmth in her tone.
"Past thirty." Wooyoung mumbles with the same coldness. He respected her once, but she made sure to lose his respect over the years.
"Still a brat like when you were a boy." She sneers at him. Wooyoung clicks his tongue in annoyance. "Too bad you're such a brilliant skater."
"What is that supposed to mean?" He glares.
Next to him, Yeosang seems to have an internal crisis. None of them bowed their heads at her, and Wooyoung is not even thinking of doing so. She should already be used to not receiving the same respectful greetings after so many years in Montreal.
"It means that you do not deserve to be this brilliant."
Her words cut through him sharply and painfully. All of a sudden, it's like his own mother stands before him. She used to tell him stuff like this one, that he was un ungrateful brat, that he did not deserve the talent he possesses in figure skating, that he was a pointless asshole if he didn't get the gold medal at the Olympics. And he still didn't win it, which not only makes him look awfully bad, but also means he is not good enough. In comparison to him, San has a gold medal from 2022, at the second Olympics where Wooyoung was not able to attend after his broken leg.
He scoffs at her, pretending her words did not reach him at all, and takes his blade protectors off, making sure to throw them on some random chair.
"I will always be brilliant, whether you like it or not." He spits the words with pure hatred and walks past her. He's angry, awfully so, and all he wants to do right now is land some hard jumps until his ankle throbs with pain. "Unlike you." He ads coldly before he pushes himself on the ice.
Nasty wench, he thinks and speeds up around the rink only looking forward. With his peripheral vision, he spots the pair stopping to watch him. A spot of red tilts his head as if trying to understand if what he sees is real or not. Wooyoung speeds up more. How could she say such thing when herself she did not even get to be on one podium at the Olympics. At least his mom did, twice.
Loud noises make their way in his ears and all he sees is red all of a sudden. Anger, pure anger, burns inside his bones.
He slides backwards across the ice on his left leg and picks at the ice to enter his Quad Lutz. His ankle pulsates when he departs from the ice, screaming at him not to force it too much, but he doesn't care. He's angry and this pain he feels is calming in a very weird way. The landing on his right foot is almost perfect, a little wobbly due to his frustration. Not deserving to be brilliant, what a nasty joke. He already is brilliant. He's a perfectionist, all his childhood he trained himself to become a brilliant skater by the time he got to turn eighteen. His destiny, like his mother would tell him, is to be a gem in this sport and he made sure to become a shiny one despite all the accidents that tried to push him out of the spotlight.
Even Seonghwa acknowledges, he who was never one to shine brightly in this industry, that Wooyoung was born to do this.
With the same amount of speed, Wooyoung does another Quad Lutz perfectly. His anger dissipates just a little, enough to gain more momentum and do a Triple Axel. He slides backwards some meters, then flexes his right leg and pushes the blade across the ice with force. He takes off the ice gracefully, and spins three times before he lands on his left foot. Despite the bigger wave of pain crossing his ankle, he tries not to lose balance. If only he wasn't a pathetic man yesterday, his ankle would now be fine.
"Wooyoung." Yeosang's sudden presence brings him to a force stop. They almost slam into each other, mostly due to Wooyoung's sudden speed. Warm fingers find his bicep and steady him. Yeosang looks beyond worried when they lock eyes and Wooyoung wonders if he looked like a mad man once he stepped foot on ice. "Are you okay?"
"Why wouldn't I be okay?" He grumbles.
"You're angry."
The raven haired chuckles and nods. "Yeah I'm angry. She dares to tell me I don't deserve to be brilliant when she rots in a fucking rink until the day she dies. She never won an Olympics medal and dares..."
"Ignore her." The older tries to soothe him, but all he does in reality is anger him more.
"I may not have won the gold that time, but I do think my silver medal is beyond precious."
"And it is." He sighs, carding his longer strands away from his soft and pretty face. "Just..." Yeosang hesitates about something. "I know she reminds you of your mom, but don't let it get the best of you. You know way too well it's not worth it."
And it isn't. It never was worth it, but it hurt a bunch regardless. His mom's harsh words, constant complaints, constant remarks he was not good enough, that his illness ruined him, that he let it ruin himself, that she was refusing to be in his presence if Seonghwa did not let her coach him. Seonghwa saved him after his accident from 2022, he stretched out his warm hand and pulled him out of the dark circle his mom created for him. She despised him, still does and ended up hating Seonghwa for saving her own son. Two years ago, when he almost died for good, it was Seonghwa who told his mom that Wooyoung had no place in her home if that was what he would end up doing while having an episode.
The last time Wooyoung tried to kill himself was two years ago. He still does self harm occasionally, when his brain is too much for himself, when he's too much for himself. But he's lived worse days and ever since he moved places, he's been a little bit brighter.
And now, this nasty wench comes into his life, reminding him of the good old days in his mother's presence. It's a trigger, he won't lie, but in this moment, he does pray to God (if he even exists), that it will not trigger an episode. That's the last thing he wants right now.
"Look..." Yeosang takes a deep breath and his other hands grabs his forearm as if to prevent the younger from escaping. "Can you be nice?"
Wooyoung doesn't even blink once.
"I'm always nice."
His best friend scoffs.
"You are far from nice on your good days Woo and right now I can see this is not a good day for you."
Lovely Yeosang, a ball of sunshine who sticks to him like glue when he could have already left him like he deserves. Wooyoung feels guilty. He's been mean, he's always mean if he thinks about it, and he hates it. If he could, he would stop feeling and thinking like he does, but he can't. It's not an option he has.
From the way the older looks at him, he knows what he's about to say.
"I don't want to talk to them." He whispers. Not now, never actually. He does not need them back in his life, and they don't want him back either. It's mutual.
"Please." Yeosang tries to smile but fails. "We watched you skate. She said you were beautiful."
"I'm far from beautiful."
"Lies." Yeosang flicks his forehead lightly.
What about him? He wants to ask but contains himself. He should not even wonder what someone, who is a stranger to him now, thinks. But he's curious. He still finds San a beautiful skater even after so many years have passed. Does he think the same? He doubts it. If he were in San's shoes, he would hate the person who almost ruined him for good. But he doesn't feel guilty about it, it was for the best, for both of them.
He builds the courage to look behind Yeosang. He only looks at Seoyeon and tries to ignore the red haired who stands glued to her side. She's smiling, a soft smile filled with kindness and memories. Why is she smiling? He does not deserve her smile, nor wants it. He doesn't want to, because deep down, he knows he could easily fall back into his own misery. But her eyes show she missed them both, they're a little glossy. Wooyoung sighs.
"Fine, I'll try to be nice." He looks back at his best friend.
Yeosang beams. His fingers squeeze his arms lightly.
"I love you."
Wooyoung chuckles.
"Love you too."
They skate together towards the pair, but Wooyoung notices the way Yeosang speeds up a little. He's nervous, and he feels weird as well. Last time he talked to these two was seven years ago, right before he broke San's heart. After that, he stopped talking to him and only once did he talk to her. Their last conversation was far from pleasant. She did not hate him, but she despised him for what he's done to San. Last time they talked, her eyes did not show warmth like the do now, but instead, they showed the moment their friendship ended.
"Congratulations." Yeosang brings Seoyeon in a warm embrace. Wooyoung stops behind him and only looks at her. He feels him watching, dark brown eyes looking at him, but he cannot be this weak and look back. "I can't believe you're marrying Minho." They break the hug quite quickly.
"Thank you." The woman beams.
"Did you two return for good, or just for the wedding?" He plays dumb, clearly not wanting to say that he already knows they're back for good.
"For good." To his surprise, it is San who talks. Even his voice changed after seven years. It lost it's childlike tone and warmth, it's a little bit deeper and refined now, a little cold as well. Still, Wooyoung refuses to look in his direction.
"As much as we loved our time in Montreal, we both agreed it's time to come back home." While Yeosang nods and smiles brightly at her, Seoyeon catches his gaze. He remembers their last conversation way too well, but that look he gave him before they parted ways is not here today. "Hello Wooyoung. How have you been?"
The raven haired forces himself to smile at her. It's a fake one and all he thinks in this moment is how much he wants to disappear into thin air. Maybe he should have listened to Seonghwa. Maybe he shouldn't have left two hours earlier than necessary.
"I've been good." He will not show the same warmth as Yeosang. He doesn't need to, they all know how cold he is as a person now. "Congratulations on your wedding."
"Thank you."
It's mostly Yeosang and Seoyeon who talk for a while, San sometimes interfering or replying shortly. Wooyoung never says a thing and just stands there next to his best friend despite his heartbeat increasing rapidly. He doesn't feel good. Youngsoon leaves as well, not forgetting to tell the two they are to meet in the lobby after they're done here and Wooyoung really wished in that moment she insisted they followed her out. He isn't really paying attention to what the conversation is about at this point, but it entertains Yeosang really well as he laughs loudly. He holds in a sigh and tries not to look too bothered and mentally, he scolds his racing heart. He feels very out of it for some reason. His ankle throbs painfully and pulsates, his palms are cold and sweaty, his face feels hot, his heart races uncontrollably and all he wants is out of there.
He shifts a little on the blades and looks away from the ice. He'll be too obvious if he excuses himself and Yeosang will surely scold him for leaving just like this. He doesn't want them back in his life, he doesn't need them back, they are not friends anymore. They just need to share the rink sometimes. Next to him, Yeosang laughs at something Seoyeon just said once again and he makes the big mistake to look at her. Only that, while he is about to look away again, his eyes catch San staring.
He's not even blinking, looking like in a trance rather than just simply watching him. But he does blink one he realizes he's being looked at. He even flinches, just a little, almost unnoticeable, but even after so many years apart, it seems like Wooyoung can still notice the small details. He didn't even greet him, didn't even acknowledge him and sadly, now he does. The world stops abruptly, Yeosang voice fades away into distance along with Seoyeon's and the silence between them as they stare at each other is painfully loud. He should not be able to see the sadness in his dark brown eyes, he once loved, with such ease, but he does and it's as if a very strong wave of guilt, pain and memories slams itself into him, fighting its way inside his head.
Seven years ago, he ruined this man in the worst way possible. He refused to know what happened to San next, he focused on his career and only on that, he skipped days of medications and got worse and worse by each passing day. But he heard what Seoyeon had to say, what Yeosang had to say and it was horrible. He destroyed him from the inside, crushed his loving heart, killed the warmth in his eyes which was only for him. Right now, there is no longer warmth, love, affection in those dark brown eyes and if he were to look in a mirror right now, Wooyoung is sure he'd see the same thing in his own.
He thought he'd be ready for the day he saw San again in real life, but not even all those nights he watched him skate did not manage to prepare him for this day. He's not ready and he's pretty sure he'll never be ready to face him again. He's the evil person here, not San, and having the reminder of what he did to him so close to him chokes him to death.
He breaks the awful eye contact as quickly as he can and tries not to look too affected. He's feeling worse than he did few minutes ago and the signs of an unwanted panic attack cut through him deeply. He needs to get out of here before he causes a scene. Guilt combined with sad memories, he does not need right now, flood his mind and crush his soul. The cool air around them seems to not be able to reach his lungs either and stinginess reaches his eyes too. Tears, he realizes in horror. Tears he should have shed seven years ago but which seemed to have died alongside with him. Wooyoung blinks quickly and looks around in despair. He's glad Yeosang and Seoyeon are still chatting, but he can still feel the red haired watching him.
His eyes reach the windows. His afternoon practice is supposed to start at five thirty, but it's barely four fifty now so he doubts someone is here so early. But through the blurry vision he suddenly has, he recognizes the tall and slender frame of his coach standing by the window. He cannot see his face, but he just know Seonghwa is beyond annoyed with him coming here so early. He can see the frown of his brows, the way his foot taps the floor rapidly, the way he folds his arms over his chest.
Once again, Seonghwa is his knight in shiny armor.
Panic fills him. Air leaves him. Tears flood his eyes.
"Seonghwa's here." He cuts the conversation between the two with a very dry tone. He looks at none of them and skates away from the trio, towards the gates.
"Already?" He hears Yeosang ask. He does not look back. "I don't think he'll scold you."
Please do, Wooyoung prays and hops off the ice. With trembling hands, he covers the blades with the protectors.
"Wooyoung! It's not like you practiced without him."
Wooyoung shakes his head and waves his hand at Yeosang without looking back. The first tear falls down his cheek, it's warm and salty and bitter and full of sadness and sorrow. Then another one follows right away and before he knows it, he crumbles down onto the floor from the locker room. His ankle aches, his body does the same, but as if he's brought back in time, his heart feels like ripping itself into thousands of small pieces without his consent.
He deserves this pain, he did it to himself and to so many people he used to love. But they deserve better, they always did and he's just some broken man who should not be alive in the first place.
In the darkness of the locker room, Wooyoung sobs silently for what feels like eternity until the door opens behind.