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People Will Say You’re in Love
Steve starts keeping a journal.
Day 1 –
After everything that Bucky’s been through, I can’t take away his choice. I can see it in his eyes; he wants to feel protected, like he can’t do anymore damage. I heard him talking to Shuri about cryostasis. The last thing I want to see is Bucky back in one of those. The photos from his file were hard enough to look at and now, I have to watch it in real time.
I don’t know if keeping a journal is going to help.
Day 15 of Bucky in Cryo
What does it mean to be in love? I’ve been watching T’Challa and Nakia and seeing Clint’s face when he talks to Laura. It has me questioning what draws people to certain other people. I’m starting to think that I’m a cynic.
Most people spend their lives looking for the one, but does that really exist. It’s simple I think, people hang on to the hope that the one actually exists because the thought that they might be alone for the rest of their lives hurts too much. Oddly, we are alone for the entirety of our lives. We are one person, living inside one body, constantly looking for someone that completes us. Why? Why can’t everyone accept that we complete ourselves? Be happy with the face that looks back at you from the mirror every day. The one is an idea born from a musing from ancient philosophy.
I read about this once, a long time ago.
Once we were beings with two legs, two arms and two heads. We were half of a whole. The gods got jealous and, in their fury, split the beings into two. We were doomed from that point to wander the earth looking for that other half. The part that completes us. My question is this…don’t you think, if that had any basis in reality, that we would have found evidence of two headed beings? Then, much to my chagrin, Disney latched hold and made all those damn movies with really good music. Yes, I know all the words to all the songs. Sue me.
My name is Steven Grant Rogers and I’m Captain America. I kind of hate that title now, but it is what it is, and I have to keep doing this job. It’s not like I think anyone will really let me walk away from it. But in the land of Captain America, things have been pretty piss poor lately. The Avengers are no more, my team is sequestered in Wakanda, I’m roaming around calling myself Nomad, just trying to keep busy while my best friend sits in a cryo tube frozen…again.
I will say that it’s given me time to start drawing again. I gotta tell ya, in the last few years, since I came back from the dead, shit has been hitting the fan every goddamn time I turn around. With all this technology, which Buck would love, they can’t keep the crazy ass people from attacking. I think I’m just tired. I don’t sleep really well anymore. Guess the truth is, I never really slept well. When I was a kid, I was sick all the time, but you know that. Then as a grown up, there was war. War is not conducive to sleep. Then I woke up in 2012 and everything is too loud, too bright, too much. Okay, PTSD might have something to do with it too. Sam says I need to talk to someone. People didn’t do that in my time. Head doctors only worked on certain floors of the hospital my ma worked at or in sanitariums. And anyone that saw one got labeled.
Anyway, I decided that instead of talking to someone that I’d just get it out this way. No ones ever going to see this because I’m not letting anyone know how crazy I really am. You think jumping out of airplanes without a parachute is normal behavior? Of course not! You think I don’t actually know that? Of course, I do. But when you wake up in a new time, with no one you can really talk to, you do stupid shit.
And if I’m going to be completely honest, I don’t really trust anyone. Sure, I got close to some of those people, but trust is earned and too many people want to lie to get what they want. I know that would probably hurt Sam, Wanda, Clint and Natasha, but deep down, I can’t let them in too far. Oh, if you are thinking that I’m a bit of an asshole, yeah I know that too. Everyone has this idea of Steve Rogers. No one actually knows Steve Rogers. Bucky did…does. Wow, that’s weird. After looking for him for years, I find him and now he’s gone again. Couldn’t take that choice away from him though. He had to right to finally make his own choice. So, there’s one person I trust, but he’s not here.
Well fuck, I think I just had what Sam calls a breakthrough. I’m pissed at Bucky for leaving me. His choice or not, I’m alone again. Sam sucks. Have I mentioned that? Yeah, sucks big time.
Day 37 – Bucky still in cryo
I just got back from a mission. The others wanted to go, but I wouldn’t let them. They’ve put themselves out there for me too much already. They’ve lost their homes and families and worst yet, they’ve lost their freedom. I know they have freedom here in Wakanda, but it’s not the same. They literally can’t leave here or they will be captured and sent back to that insane asylum. I can’t see them in there again.
Sam is getting insistent that he starts going with me on these missions. I go where I need to go and putting myself in danger is my choice. I won’t put them in danger anymore. They don’t deserve that. Not again. Not when I can prevent it this time. I guess that’s it. That’s the problem. I’m tired of putting others in danger when I don’t have to. God, I miss Bucky. He knew how to talk me down when I get too far in my head.
I spent half the time on this mission drawing and waiting. I was drawing him. I need to stop. He’s not coming home anytime soon. T’Challa’s scientists don’t know what to do. There was talk of using something called nano-technology. Microscopic robots injected into his brain to undo what Hydra did. It makes me sick to think about it and I know Bucky would destroy the lab before he’d let them do that. Had a yelling match with one of the scientists about it. I didn’t mean to lose my temper, but Bucky can’t fight for himself right now, so I have to do it for him. I owe him. I owe him everything.
Day 72 – Bucky still in cryo
This time I decided to bring this journal with me instead of my sketchbook. When I bring the sketchbook, I just end up sketching Bucky. So instead, I’ll just write about him. That made me smile. Sam would want me to analyze that response. I had to use stealth to get out of the compound so that he wouldn’t come with me. He keeps saying that I need someone to watch my back. I don’t want someone, I want Bucky. Only with Bucky did I feel like my six was actually covered.
I guess I should examine that too. So, let me try to make sense of it. Sam would be proud. Since I was 6 Bucky has been watching my back. When I would get myself in over my head, Bucky would pull me out. Even in the war, when I was being ‘heroic’, he’d make my job easier. Always protecting me. Always making me feel safe.
There it is. None of the others make me feel safe. Bucky does. Are you happy Sam?
Day 117 – Bucky still in cryo
It’s been a while. I had to dig this out. I stopped because, well because after the last entry I wasn’t ready to face what I was feeling. Just got back from a mission and I got hurt. Nothing that won’t heal in a week or so, but Sam is pissed. Said that if I’d let him go with me, this wouldn’t have happened. He may be right, but I have a feeling it would have happened anyway.
I haven’t been sleeping. It’s not that that I haven’t been sleeping well, I haven’t been sleeping. I keep going to the vault where they keep Bucky’s cryo tube and sitting with him. I drew him that way and then cried. I don’t want to see him that way. It hurts.
Day 167
Shuri has decided that I need a shield. I don’t know where mine is. I’m sure that Tony melted it down to use for something. Instead of one shield, I’ve been given two, one for each arm. I know that my body is wearing down because when I was practicing with them today, I couldn’t get the same rhythm. Sam told me that it’s just going to take time to get into the habit of using them. I know that’s not what it is.
T’Challa offered to have Shuri make another shield, one that’s like my old one, but something about that feels wrong. I didn’t know how to tell him that. Before I could find the words, he pat me on the back and walked away. Maybe he can see it too. The exhaustion of trying to live up to something I’m not sure I believe in anymore.
When did I stop being Steve? When did that happen?
Day 213
I talked to Sam and Wanda about the mission and they both have decided that I’m not going out again without one of them. Sam called it an intervention. He said that it’s almost like I want to get myself killed. Wouldn’t be the first time. I never told anyone, but when I boarded the Valkyrie, all those years ago, I knew I wouldn’t be going back. Taking that plane down was not just the right thing to do, but saved me from ruining Peggy’s life. We would have gotten married, and it would have been a lie. I know I cared about her, but there was no way she could have filled the hole in me.
Here goes…fuck you Sam…I’m in love with Bucky.
Day 214 – Bucky still in cryo
They’re right. I shouldn’t have gone on that mission alone. If not for T’Challa sending covert backup I would be dead. Bucky would be so pissed at me for that. From now on, I will take someone with me. I can’t leave Bucky. When and if he comes out of cryo, I have to be here for him. God fucking damnit! This is not what he needs from me. He doesn’t need someone that’s this broken. He needs me whole and ready to help him.
Why does Sam have to always be right?
Day 236 – Bucky still in cryo
My new therapist suggested that I keep journaling as well as seeing her. She’s good. Doesn’t push too hard too fast. Just lets me talk about whatever is on my mind. Mostly, I talk about the breakup of the team and the people that followed me being outlaws. I’m sleeping better, but instead of nightmares I dream about Bucky. I’ll start dreaming about something that actually happened and then it will change into something I wanted to happen. I told her about the dreams in vague terms and she told me to write it down. She thinks I mean bringing the team back together. I didn’t correct her.
So, here goes…
I turned 16 and Bucky and I were at the docks watching the fireworks. I turned to look at him and he was watching me. That actually happened. But then, then he leaned up and kissed me. Told me, “I wanted to do that for ages, Stevie.” Then I woke up. I went to see him after that. Middle of the night, the guards don’t like visitors, but they let me in anyway. I told him about it. Then I went back and drew it.
How did I not know that I was in love with him? How did I not see it? He’s going to be…I don’t know what he’s going to be if he ever finds out. I’ll take this secret to my grave if I have to. I’ll never put pressure on him for anything. I can’t. He needs peace in his life. Not some overgrown boy scout adding more weight to his life.
Day 276 – Bucky comes out today
T’Challa’s scientists have found a way to undo the programming. Natasha found the red journal and figured out what they did to him. She contacted Shuri and T’Challa sent one of his guards to retrieve it. I’m elated, but terrified. I saw my therapist today before they woke him up. She thinks that it might be best if I don’t go. I think she’s lost her mind if she thinks I won’t be right by his side through the procedure. They will take him out of cryo and do something to him before they wake him completely. I’m not leaving him.
It’s been 13 hours and he’s still not awake. Whatever this is they are doing, it’s taking longer than I thought. Wanda brought food in, and I asked for my journal. She brought it to me along with my sketchbook. I want this to be over. For Bucky’s sake, I need this to be over.
Day 283 – Bucky’s in therapy
When he woke up last night, he looked at me and smiled. Maybe those crazy philosophers were right. When he smiled it was like my whole life made sense. He called me Stevie. He hasn’t called me that since 1944. It was like coming home. They tested the words, and it didn’t work. He’s free from Hydra, but not from what he’s done. He blames himself and I get it, I really do, but Hydra tortured and programmed him into doing it. So, he’s in a therapy session right now. He’ll go every day until…well I don’t know how long he will have to go. It might be a really long time.
T’Challa gave him a room across the hall from me. He didn’t stay there last night. He stayed with me. I tried to sleep on the couch, but he said we could pretend it was winter in New York and sleep in the same bed like we did back then. When I was sick all the time and the extra body heat kept me from getting too cold.
We slept in the same bed. He had a nightmare, but I was able to calm him down before it got out of hand. Then he slept. I watched him most of the night. Did I always know he was this beautiful? I had to; I drew him all the time. My god, he’s gorgeous. I looked some stuff up on the internet about how I’m feeling. There’s a word for it now. Bi-sexual. It means I like men and women, but I think there’s a different word for what I am…Bucky-sexual. It’s just him. He’s it. He’s all there is.
Day 303 – This is my life
Bucky has really taken to Wanda. She was entertaining him in the common room today with her powers. He thinks she’s great and the feeling seems to be mutual. They are both products of Hydra, both fought their way back, both are incredibly strong people. Sam is still giving him a hard time. I think he’s jealous because Bucky was my friend first. I had to break up an argument between them early over the coffee maker. Who fights about coffee makers?
Clint went on a run with me today. He’s figured it out and wanted me to know that he’s there in case I want to talk. I wouldn’t even know where to start and told him as much. He’s a good guy. I asked him not to say anything to the others. He promised me that he wouldn’t, and said it wasn’t his story to tell. When we got back, Bucky looked at us funny.
I know he’s not the same person he used to be. We talked last night about it. I told him I didn’t expect him to be the old Bucky. I told him I wasn’t the old Steve. He said he knew that already. Said I look different. I don’t know what that means and he didn’t tell me. I’m leaving on a mission tomorrow. I’m taking Clint with me.
Day 337 – It hurts
I’ve been taking Clint on all of my missions. This one, I’m damn lucky. I’d be dead if not for Clint. This injury is worse than the last and they are making me stay in the hospital wing. Bucky came to see me. There was something in his face that I couldn’t identify. I think he’s angry at me. Clint says that Bucky and I need to have a long talk when I get better. I tried to get him to explain, but he wouldn’t. God, it hurts. The serum wasn’t made to fix these injuries. Clint is okay, that’s what matters. Can’t let anything happen to them, not when they have people waiting for them. I had to push him out of the way. I owe him that.
Day 353
I have to use a cane to walk. The doctors think the serum will eventually heal everything, but for now, I can’t walk without the help. Now I feel like I’m 100. I sat in the garden today and watched Bucky and Wanda walking around. I think he’s falling for her. She’s only 20, but she’s an adult and has definitely lived through enough hell. I went to see my therapist and told her I wished I could leave here. That I think if I turn myself in, the others will be able to go home. With me out of the way, they could be happy. I didn’t tell that to my therapist.
I want him to be happy, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to watch it happen.
They came and sat with me after their walk. There were little touches and looks. Why couldn’t I just be his best friend? Why did I have to realize any of this?
Day 370
I’m still using the cane. I know that the injury was bad, I looked at the scans when I was first brought in. It’s probably the worst injury I’ve ever had. I was sitting in the common room last night and Clint came in. He sleeps about like I do. I don’t know how he stays so sharp all the time and asked. He told me that the house he grew up in, he had to be able to get out of bed fast. I know there is something he wasn’t saying with that confession. I don’t think Clint’s had a stable life for a long time. And now, he doesn’t have one all over again. Because of me.
He asked about Bucky. I told him that Bucky was doing great with Wanda’s help. That made him pause. He’s really protective of her, so I had to assure him that Bucky’s a good guy. No matter what Hydra made him do, under that, he’s amazing. Clint just shook his head and got us some ice cream. We ended up watching something on TV and not talking.
I like that about Clint. He doesn’t have to fill the silence with chatter.
Day 400 – Mission report
The serum did heal everything, and I went on a short mission. Wanda wanted to go, but I asked Clint instead. Bucky and Wanda are inseparable now. They spend all their free time together. I didn’t want to hear about it or be asked questions, so I took Clint. We ended up in Romania and after the mission we went to the apartment. Someone else lives there now, but I walked up the stairs and stood outside that door. Clint just let me. He didn’t say anything, didn’t question it, just waited. I know he wanted to ask, but didn’t. Thank god for Clint.
We got back last night and slept in Clint’s room on the couch. I didn’t want to sleep in the same bed with Bucky or worse, go in and find him not there. I went back to mine when I was sure that Bucky was gone. There appeared to be a blanket fort on the living room floor. I’m glad I stayed at Clint’s last night.
The phone in the desk rang. It was Tony. We talked. The conversation was stilted. He’s back with Pepper. I told him that I’m glad. Pepper kept him honest and centered. He could tell something wasn’t right. Maybe it was that I needed someone else to talk to or maybe it was that I hadn’t gotten enough sleep. I told him everything. Not where we are, but everything about Bucky. His words, “Fuck Cap, why didn’t you tell me that’s what was driving you. If it had been Pepper, I would have burned the world.”
We’re meeting in London next week. I’m not telling anyone about it, not even Clint.
Day 407 – Tony
I’m meeting Tony in about an hour, but wanted to get this down in case anything happens. It’s not that I don’t trust Tony, but I don’t trust Tony. So, if someone is reading this, then he did something stupid and tried to take me in. He either drugged me and actually took me or he had to kill me because I’m not going back.
I had to sneak out of Wakanda, which isn’t easy to do. I waited until everyone was asleep, then convinced the guards that I had a mission. I left the jet outside of London and walked in. I’ve been scouting, but can’t see anything out of place. It doesn’t mean it’s safe, just that whoever Tony’s bringing with him is good enough to fool me.
Whoever finds this journal, whether it’s Tony or someone else, please make sure these messages get to the right people.
Sam, you’ve been a good friend to me. You let me come to my own decisions and helped as best you could. As best as I would let you. I didn’t let you in like I should have. I’m sorry for that. You deserved better from someone you call friend. Take care of yourself and watch out for Bucky. I know you two actually like each other. You’re too alike not to.
Clint, I’m so sorry to have done all of this to you. I should have left you alone. Thank you isn’t even enough for what I put you through and I’m sorry will never undo what I did. Thank you for listening when no one else noticed what was going on. You joke about yourself being the guy that shows up to a gun fight with a bow and arrow, but you, my friend, will always be the one I call. Feel free to say no next time.
T’Challa, thank you. Thank you for being a bigger man than all of us. Thank you for taking care of Bucky. Do not beat yourself up if you lose me. Do not come after me. Let it be, no matter what Sam and Bucky might say. Thank you.
Wanda, take care of him. I don’t know for sure what’s happening with you two, but it looks good on him. You smile more with him, and he needs you. Thank you. You have no idea how much I want to thank you for seeing passed what everyone said about him and loving him for who he is now. Thank you, thank you.
Bucky, oh god, Bucky. You’re my best friend. I know you aren’t the same guy you once were, but that doesn’t change the fact that you are my best friend. Thank you for standing up for that little guy that didn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. Thank you for seeing me and not what the neighborhood said about me. Thank you for seeing me and not the shield. Thank you for letting me quietly love you. I’m sorry, Buck, I really am. I don’t know for sure when it happened, but I love you. I don’t want to disappear, and you never know what it was that actually drove me. It was always you, Buck. It was always you. God, I love you so fucking much, and it hurts. It hurt to watch you fall in love with Wanda, but it also made me happy to know you had someone. Even if it wasn’t me. In my room, behind the watercolor in the living room is a safe. The code is 1917. My sketchbook is in there. I don’t know how she will feel about it, but it’s filled with you. Wanda may want to have some of those sketches. They’re pretty good. I love you James Buchanan Barnes, my Bucky, with everything I am, I love you.
Steve exits the jet and heads to the café. The long walk allows him time to check for agents. It’s a little place on a side street. It gives Steve a chance to watch and process. There’s no way that Tony came all this way alone. Steve waits for several minutes, around the corner, watching the street, watching the people, watching the roof, but can’t see any back up. Maybe Tony did show up alone, but Steve doesn’t trust that. Steve slides into the seat across from Tony where there’s already a coffee waiting. “Tony.”
Tony looks up and Steve can see the pain. “Cap.” Steve starts watching the street again because Tony doesn’t look that way unless he’s been betrayed or about to betray. In this case, it could be both. The fight in Siberia is still as fresh today as it was then. Steve fills bad about it, but can’t change the past.
“No point in calling me that anymore, Tony.” Tony’s face falls. He leans forward, resting an elbow on the table.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He’s the same angry Tony. The same guy that expects everyone to let him down, so never looks at the motives.
“I’m not sure what part you mean? That he killed your parents or that I love him.” Steve takes a drink of the coffee. It doesn’t taste strange, so there’s no sedative. That would be too easy. If Tony’s taking him in, he’ll do it the hard way. Maybe he thinks that’s giving Steve a fighting chance. Not that Steve needs one. He’s already resigned himself to being killed here today.
“I’ve dealt with the parent part or as best as I can. Why didn’t you explain it to me then? This could have been avoided.” That’s the slip that Steve was waiting for. Closing his eyes, Steve breathes through what he knows is coming.
Steve takes another look at the street. Tony watches him. They’re out there somewhere, the men and women ordered to bring Captain America home. No one, outside of Steve, knows what the super soldier is going to make them do here today. “Why don’t we cut the bullshit, Tony?” Tony looks surprised. “You’re going to try to take me in and I’m going to have to fight.” Tony closes his eyes against the truth. “Do me a favor would you?”
Tony opens his eyes. “What’s that?”
“Shoot to kill.” Tony is startled. “Make sure I go down and it’s final.”
“Steve, I can’t do that.” Shaking his head, Steve stands, flipping the table. The cups go flying in all directions, startling Tony and everyone around them. If anything is going to draw out the agents, it’s Steve getting aggressive. Tony just sits, stunned.
“Then I’ll have to make you. I’m not going back with you, and I have nothing to return to now.” Steve knows there’s sadness in his eyes, something that Tony will never understand.
Tony has never seen Steve look this hopeless. “Steve, what’s going on? This isn’t like you.”
Steve huffs a laugh, picking up a chair. He’s going to have to make Tony and the agents, whoever they are, understand that killing him is the only way. “I’ve got nothing left. This is what a man with a plan looks like.”
“What’s your play, Steve?” Out of the corner of his eye, Steve sees movement. Turning, he sees an agent. It isn’t one of Tony’s, so this is bigger than Stark and what’s left of the Avengers.
“I came here ready to die.” Throwing the chair, Steve takes out the agent.
Tony leans on the edge of the overturned table and puts his hand over his mouth. He’s never seen Steve Rogers like this. “Fuck. I’m sorry.” He makes a gesture and Steve knows it’s the signal. “I’m really sorry.”
Steve knows that he can fight. He doesn’t want to, but he can. He also knows that there is probably an army to take out and without the shield and Iron Man now standing in front of him, he’s got to make each move count. He waits for the attack. The fire fight doesn’t come. In fact, no one comes. Steve waits for the bullet, darts, explosions, but it doesn’t come.
Tony looks around. “FRIDAY, what’s the hold up?” Tony sounds unsure.
“Sir, all of Secretary Ross’s operatives have been neutralized.”
“Ah, what?” Now Tony sounds really unsure. The helmet melts away.
Something hits Steve in the side of the neck, and he goes down. He doesn’t see the arrow hit the Iron Man suit and forcing it offline. Smoke fills the street from another arrow, covering the people running towards Steve. While Tony tries to clear the area of smoke, three figures pick up the unconscious body of Captain America and disappears into the alley. One person stays on the jet with Steve and the others go to retrieve the jet that Steve brought from Wakanda.
Steve wakes, he’s in a jet, but not the one he brought here. His head is pounding, and his mouth is dry. The voice comes from the pilot seat. “There’s water and pills for you on the floor.”
Bucky.
Fuck.
Sitting up Steve takes the pills with the water. “How did you find me?” Throwing the pill bottle onto the other bunk, Steve closes his eyes, leaning on the bulkhead.
And that’s the wrong question to ask because Bucky is up and coming at him like the assassin he once was. He throws the journal on the bunk next to Steve. “You stupid fucking asshole!” Thank god for autopilot. “You went into this knowing what it was.” He’s pacing in front of Steve. “You expected it and did nothing to help yourself.”
Steve just lets him rant. There’s nothing he could say that can hurt any more than what’s already inside him. He picks up the journal and realizes that Bucky must have read it. He should have changed the meeting place at the last minute. Just so Tony could have done the job he came to do. Steve is sure that Bucky would grieve for him, but he’d have Wanda and the others to help him through. It’s not like this is the first time Steve has gone on a suicide mission. He sighs and brings the journal to his forehead, tapping it and clinching his eyes shut.
Suddenly, Bucky is kneeling in front of him, pulling his arms away from his face. “Stevie, what were you thinking?”
Steve keeps his eyes clamped shut. “I wasn’t thinking.” He opens his eyes. “Just needed it to stop hurting.” He closes his eyes again to weather the coming storm.
The last thing that he expects to hear is a sob. “You know why I’ve been hanging out with Wanda?” Tears are gathering in Bucky’s eyes. Steve doesn’t want to see that. He doesn’t want an apology for loving Wanda. Bucky deserves it.
Tears are slipping down Steve’s face now. He hurt Bucky and that isn’t what he meant to do. Not really. If he’d thought everything through, he’d have seen it, but he didn’t and now…and now. “You love her. She’s a special girl.”
“She reminds me of Becca. Don’t you get it Steve, she reminds me of Becca.” Steve finally locks eyes and sees the tears on Bucky’s cheeks. “She reminds me of my sister.” It’s not just an explanation, but a plea for Steve to understand.
Bucky’s lips are softer than Steve expected. Gentle and sweet when they touch Steve’s. Like being kissed by a butterfly. Bucky rests his forehead against Steve’s with his hand still cradling his head. “You stupid fucking asshole. How could you even think I could love someone other than your stupid ass?”
Day 415 – Steve
At the beginning of the journal, I wrote about love. They were just random thoughts I was having on a random day. Maybe those philosophers were onto something. Maybe we do spend our lives looking for the other half. Maybe, sometimes, we are lucky and find it.
I’m in more intensive therapy now. Apparently, I have suicidal tendencies. Sam suggested it. Bucky insisted on it. He told me that if he’s going to live in this world, he’s doing it with me, so I have to get better. He read the journal, just like I thought. It seems that he’s loved me since I turned 16. That dream I had about my birthday, he was actually going to kiss me that night, but stopped himself. I wish he had.
My therapist told me to write at least one good thing every day.
Bucky loves me.
I wonder if she meant a different thing every day because that one is going to be on every page.