Chapter Text
Izuku couldn’t sleep.
Katsuki received one message and knew that this wasn’t the first night he’s spent wide awake because this wasn’t Katsuki’s first night either.
He wanted to ignore it. Ignore the message, roll over and coax himself into a slumber that would end abruptly with the image of his limp cold body plaguing his mind or worse Izuku’s.
But once he gets started thinking about the freckled face, green haired dipshit it’s like his brain can’t find the off switch and suddenly his mind is Deku’s mouth going a mile a minute spewing shit that has no business being said or let alone fathomed into a thought.
He can’t imagine what Izuku’s nightmares must be like. With everything he’s seen during this war. Katsuki knows his nightmares are fueled with the most grotesque and grim sights a brain could possibly conjure. Makes him almost feel bad about his only “slightly” gore filled dreams.
Then he sucks his teeth, rolls his eyes pissed he let fucking deku beat him in this competition that he’s not even competing in.
It was a weird feeling for him to be concerned about someone else like this. He could feel Izuku’s anxieties were similar to his. The ones surrounding sleeping, breathing, living. And he’s not used to it. He’s not acquainted with knowing things and letting them sit in his mind. Especially not when they are about this boy who has painted his every thought green since they returned to UA.
He’s seen how Izuku has changed since the war ended. How closed off and quiet he’s been. He knows how much it takes to really truly piss Deku off, to get under his skin and make him feel like crap. He’s done it. But never has he seen Izuku reach this kind of low.
No matter how below the belt he used to hit in a matter of days Izuku would be back to his muttering, quirk obsessed self.
It’s been two weeks and Izuku won’t even carry around a notebook. And probably for the first time since he was brought into this world he is at a loss for words. He can barely even participate in small talk, let alone raise his hand in class.
So receiving this text is huge. Katsuki’s not an idiot. He knows no one else is receiving messages from Midoriya ‘in a depressive episode’ Izuku. Especially not one that would warrant a conversation.
So yes Izuku is up, sending him All Might Gifs. And yes Katsuki is up, staring at his ceiling ignoring them.
How he got here is something he can’t even explain. He doesn’t even realize he was going through the motions til a disheveled bleary eyed Izuku was staring at him. He gave the blonde a quizzical look, one that was probably much similar to the face Katsuki was making back at him.
He can’t believe he had done this.
“Hey, Kacchan,” a sheepish smile growing on his mouth “what are you doing here?” Izuku pulled at the collar of his sleep shirt. It was an old All Might graphic tee that was completely worn out. Katsuki remembers seeing him in it when they were kids, at that time it fit him like a dress. He really can’t believe he still had it!
“I came to tell you to go to fucking bed.” There was no bite in his tone. It was placid for Katsuki at least. Even though for most people that response would’ve been considered harsh, he saw how relieved Izuku was when he heard it. His shoulders relaxed just the tiniest bit. And his fingers were no longer busy with the hem of his boxers.
Izuku was fucking weird. He chuckled before responding. “Well I could say the same to you, Kacchan.”
He scoffed, the damn nerd shouldn’t care if he was up or not. “You’re pissy if you’re not well rested. And I don't want to be a victim of your attitude all ‘cause you wanted to make bad choices. So get your ass to bed.”
“Do you want to come in?” It’s Katsuki’s turn to be confused. Why the hell would he take that as a sign to invite him into his room?! What the hell was wrong with this kid?!
Despite his absolute disbelief, Katsuki grunted. Like his body and mouth didn’t communicate so he made an affirmative noise. And his feet were now allowing him to walk into Izuku’s room.
There had to be something in the air because Katsuki doesn’t do things he doesn’t want to. But for some reason everything in his body is leading him to Izuku. Like strings are pulling at him, forcing them together.
“So what are you doing up so late?” Izuku sat on his bed, crossed legged, making himself small, shying away from Katsuki who was on the other side of the room inspecting his a
All Might collection.
“I dunno,” he shrugged. “Same as you I guess.” He picked up one of the hero magazines Izuku collected. He has the same one in his room. He was just looking for a reason not to make eye contact with Izuku. He also knew it was the only thing Deku wouldn’t yell at him for if he touched.
“I don’t think so. Kacchan wouldn’t be so scared of a few silly dreams.” He gave a weak laugh at the end. Like it would soften the impact of those words.
Katsuki put down the magazine. He spoke barely above a whisper. “I fucking hate nightmares. They scare the crap outta me; I don’t sleep.”
He turned around looking Izuku right in his face when he said it. To make sure the other knew he was being transparent.
“Oh.” Izuku genuinely looked shocked, then that look faded into something more reserved. “Can I ask, what are the-“
“My death, ‘s like I can see myself laying there. And sometimes it’s, you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you're lying there and I try to save you but I can’t. ‘S like I'm watching you die over and over again.”
Even while he’s talking about it the image is so clear in his head he feels nauseous. And seeing Izuku like that hurts infinitely worse than seeing it as himself.
Losing Izuku fucking hurts.
“Whatever, I don’t wanna fucking talk about this.” He grumbles, marching over to sit by Izuku. He sits on the opposite end of the bed. A safe distance away. But even still this level of closeness is awkward for him. This feels too intimate like he needs to run away from it. He ignores every siren in his head.
“No it’s okay, I get them too.” He reassures. “They’re usually about you as well. And you always die but,” his voice cracks. Katsuki can see the tears welling up in his eyes.
“Stop, it’s oka-“
“You die and you’re always so close; just out of my reach. That if I just moved my hand just a centimeter I could-“
“Stop. It’s bothering you, I don't need to know.” Still Katsuki could see this glint of determination. And still he wasn’t crying yet so, he wasn’t stopping.
“I could almost reach you; to push you out of the way or something, but then my body starts decaying and that image of your dead body is stuck there. While I'm helplessly turned into a pile of ash and you’re bloody and unmoving.”
He should’ve got up and left when he had the chance. Tell Izuku to get the hell to bed then make his way back to his own dorm. Literally anything would’ve been better than the choices he made tonight. Because even though he said that this was bothering Izuku he knows damn well it’s bothering him way more.
He knows Deku forgives him, but still Katsuki has a long way to go to allow himself to accept this relationship. He doesn’t deserve Izuku not in the slightest. And to know that he is the reason that Izuku can’t sleep. That he’s the reason Izuku has bags under his eyes in class. That he’s the reason Izuku feels like shit, again. He can’t. He needs to get out of here.
Yet his body doesn’t move. Nothing in him flinches or jerks or winces. He’s still dumbly sitting on Izuku’s bed while his eyes begin to water. Pathetic.
“And I wanted you to know that because. I think it means you’re the one I care about the most.”
He’s absolutely winded. Completely out of breath. Because this isn’t happening. No way it is.
He doesn’t deserve this.
“I actually,” He swallows a lump in his throat. “I have to go.”
Finally his body is listening. He gets up and he’s moving. Then Izuku grabbed his wrist.
“Kacchan don’t go. Okay, I’m sorry. Was it too much? We don’t have to talk about this.”
That pisses Katsuki off more ‘cause, “What the hell do you have to be sorry for? Huh?! I tormented you since we were kids and now I'm tormenting you in your dreams, too. This is fucking bullshit.”
He tries to get out of Izuku’s grip. And then he sees black whip emerge wrapping around his wrist. For fucks sake!
“I can’t stay here and hurt you more.” Black whip tightens and Katsuki really cannot stand the determination that drives him.
“You’d be hurting me more if you didn’t stay. I like to see you and know that you’re safe.”
That stings too. But Katsuki knows he owes Izuku this much.
So he climbs back onto the bed, and this time his knees are touching Izuku’s. They’re sitting side by side. No space between them. Katsuki wants to vomit. But instead he sucks it up.
Izuku rests his head on Katsuki’s shoulder. And he tries his hardest not to tense up.
The worst part about this, is that Katsuki wants this. He wants to be this close to Izuku. He craves it. He’s not sure for how long, but it’s longer than he could have possibly known. Because the way that this feels. This burning heat is so intense it couldn't have festered from just a couple of weeks. This kind of intensity has years behind it. And even though he’s accustomed to heat, this is burning a hole straight through his body.
He wants but doesn’t deserve to take.
It’s a weird fight inside himself. Especially when it’s about this boy. Who is so comfortable around him. He finds comfort in Katsuki’s aggressive manor. He thinks it’s easy to touch Katsuki, easy to look past his prickly exterior and know exactly what the other was feeling on the inside.
If Katsuki didn’t know any better he would assume they were made for each other.
“Kacchan, I’m tired.” He nuzzles his face into Katsuki’s neck.
Katsuki does his best not to flinch. “Then go to bed. I’ll be here.”
“You sure?” After how hard Deku pushed of course he was just as adamant at slamming the back pedal. “Because I know I came off a little strong earlier, and I might've freaked you out. So I think you should really think about what I said and if you need some time -away from me- to process that’s okay. I don’t really need to sleep in the first pla- okay well I need to sleep but you don’t need to stay. That’s what I'm trying to get at. I am perfectly capable of sleeping unmonitored. Have been since I was three. My mom says that-“
“Izuku.” If Katsuki knew that simply speaking Izuku’s given name would shut him up this quickly he would’ve started using it earlier. “My dreams, they mean I care about you, too. So I’ll be here if you wake up and need me. Okay.” Katsuki spoke barely above a whisper. Bashful about even letting the words leave his mouth, and since they did it was only meant for Izuku to hear.
Izuku gave him this look with the sweetest smile. One that Katsuki wanted to kiss right off his face. This was really the least he could do. It gave Izuku no reason to look at him like that.
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
Much like how his night started, Katsuki is once again staring at an all too familiar white ceiling. But it felt different with the extra weight on his chest.
Izuku was softly snoring. He rested his hand on Katsuki's chest by his head. Katsuki thinks he’s never looked this peaceful. It was easier to take him all in when he wasn’t ranting or fired up with determination. Just Izuku. And he looked gorgeous.
Katsuki spent most of this time just admiring him. He’s still too shaken up to go to sleep. Especially in a place where Deku could see him panic. He doesn’t think he’ll ever recover if he did. So he’s been laying in Izuku’s bed momentarily resting his eyes before snapping them back open, resisting sleep. He really thinks the panic that would ensue after seeing a dead Izuku will be nothing short of a shit show.
So he’s still staring when he feels Izuku’s hand twitch on his chest. He hesitantly grabs it, trying to soothe Izuku in his sleep. Then he sees that perfect face begin to frown.
Immediately Katsuki knows this look all too well.
He sits up, slowly bringing Izuku with him. Sitting the other up next to him while slowly rubbing up and down his arm to wake him.
Dekus eyes flew open, he looked around his chest violently crashing up and down. He was looking for something. Someone.
Katsuki squeezed his arm and immediately Izuku came crashing down around him. He buried his bed onto Katsuki's neck and wrapped his arms around the other body , clinging onto him like he was going to lose him. The tears that followed were immediate and in no time Izuku was hiccuping and sobbing on Katsuki’s shoulder.
“I-it was so ba- it was so bad, Kacchan.” He hiccuped.
Katsuki’s hand found its way into the boy's hair gently tangling itself in Izuku’s curls. “I know. It’s okay, I'm here.” He hushed
“You looked s-so ba-“
“Here do you feel this?” He placed Izuku’s hand to his chest, right above where his heart was beating. “Izuku I have never been better. No more saving is needed. I’m okay.”
Izuku’s tears stopped. His face was still wet and streaked with tear stains. He look at Kacchan like a lost puppy. Katsuki was well adjusted to his water works and knew this pause was just temporary.
He squeezed Izuku’s hand. “Do you feel it?”
He nodded. Then nestled back into Katsuki squeezing around him so tighter Katuki thought he was gonna burst. But the blonde knows if the roles were reversed he’d be doing the same damn thing. So he lets him have it.
They stay like that for a while. Katsuki massaging Izuku’s scalp. Izuku melting into Katsuki as he rocked them back and forth whispering little nothings. ‘You’re safe.’ ‘Take a breath.’ ‘We’re all safe.’
Katsuki thought he could grow to like this. It wasn’t bad to have Deku depend on him, especially if it meant that he could be wrapped in his arms like this.
He’s not used to touches that are soft and gentle, and the way Izuku is holding him is far from it. It’s firm and hard. A tangible touch, something he could hold onto.
He could definitely get used to this.
“‘M sorry.”
“What?” Izuku’s voice was muffled. Idiot.
He looked at Katsuki. “Sorry. I should’ve let you go.”
“No.”
“But I’m all gross you shouldn’t be subjected to this.”
“I asked for it. Did you not hear me say I'll stay?”
Izuku averted his eyes, “I know you did but I feel like I didn’t give you much of a choice.”
“You’re so damn stubborn,” Katsuki flushed. “If anyone else asked me to hold them while they rubbed snot all over me would I have said yes? You’re not anyone else. I chose to stay.” He felt his cheeks were hot. He knew he probably looked like a lovesick girl with the blush covering his face.
Izuku reached up and gave Katsuki a kiss on his hairline. “Thank you, Kacchan.”
For the first time that night Katsuki grew a soft smile. “Anytime, Izuku.”