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Alastor sits up quickly. His mornings are usually rough, it's the worst part of the day, or maybe he just doesn't like to wake up. His cheeks are always sore from non-stop smiling and he is pissed because of it - he never can fully show his emotions because of it and sometimes it's his advantage, but when he is alone with his thoughts he hates it. Like almost his whole existence as a demon.
But this morning - even if it's not really morning but middle of the night - it is even worse. He woke up from a nightmare and since for some time it's really common, but he always feels lost in his emotions when this happens. He hadn’t have nightmares for a really long time and in the last few months, it's almost every other night.
He perfectly knows what’s the reasons for those dreams, the one particular person who is always there. He knew the relationship wasn’t a thing for him, he couldn’t get attached to a person because his biggest fear has a feast when it happens - if he isn’t attached to someone he can't lose this person, but when he is it is highly possible, too possible for him.
Why he had lost his mind for a fucking Lucifer Morningstar? No. The first question should be - Why did he even lose it for anyone?
He should be annoying for everyone, especially for him, but somehow, Lucifer fell for this. And Alastor fell for being accepted the way he is, no matter which one of his masks he decided to put on or even when he decided to show all his fucked up personality traits.
But it's obviously too good to be real, it's too good to actually happen to Alastor, so something needed to be wrong in their new reality. And it happens to be Alastor’s fear of losing persons he cares for - really and deeply. He isn't attached to souls that were his by the contracts, he isn't attached to people who are his partners in Hell’s politics, he isn't attached to anyone so he can't lose anyone.
No matter how much he tries to stop thinking about the nightmare, erase these pictures from his memory, he can't and they’re way too real, he has it in front of his eyes again and again. The visions of Lucifer flying back to the sky, to heaven which abandoned him, now abandoning Alastor who, no matter how much effort he would put in trying to achieve that, can't join him there. Never.
And no matter how terrified he is, tearing his hairs from his head, with tears streaming down his cheeks, he can’t stop smiling. This fucking, never disappearing smile, which is as problematic in his nightmares as it is now. He can't get full catharsis, smiling in this state, as well as in his dreams. Lucifer can't even imagine how much he hurts Alastor when he smiles all the time.
A gentle hand on his back is pulling him back to reality. “What's going on, my dear?” Lucifer asks quietly, with a voice still rough from sleep.
Alastor quickly wipes his tears with a back of a hand and fixes his messed up hair, before turning back to his lover. “Nothing. I just woke up and didn't want to leave bed.” He lies through his teeth.
It's one of the positives of his eternal smile. When he turns to Lucifer, he doesn't have a problem faking it. The only things that can show how artificial it is are his eyes and he can only hope that they're not red and the smile reaches them too.
“Hey, Bambi, there's no need to lie to me. I can see something is wrong and you know you can tell me everything.” One of Lucifer's hands is even more gentle than his voice, when he strokes Alastor’s cheek, still wet from tears.
One of Alastor's biggest dreams is to be able to drop his mask in moments like this, show in how much pain he is, how much he needs the support. But he can't stop smiling, so his partner can think that his deep sign is a sign of annoyance. What if this will be a nail to his coffin, the reason why Lucifer will finally leave him, making his biggest fear come true?
“It… It's just a nightmare.” Alastor says quietly.
“You want to talk about it?”
“No… I mean… it's just my paranoic mind telling me that you will leave me…”
“That’s what the nightmare was about?”
“Yeah… You abandoned me to go back to heaven. That’s what happens Almost every night.”
He hasn’t even stopped talking when Lucifer already hugged him. And before he can even think about it, Alastor starts crying once again, holding the fallen angel’s oversized shirt so hard like his afterlife life depends on this.
Lucifer starts to stroke Alastor’s hair, trying to avoid pointy little antlers to not hurt himself and his ears, because he knows that his lover doesn't like it when someone touches them. He also spreads his wings and tugs the two of them inside of them like he was tugging Charlie in a blanket when she was little.
“I’m not gonna leave you, Al. Never. Even if heaven would want me back, I don't want to go back there. Here's my life, not there. Here with you and Charlie, you’re my family, so I will never leave. I promise.”