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Caitlyn took a deep breath before going into the coffee shop to meet Janet, mentally reviewing what she wanted to say. As she thought about her words, she ran her finger along the gold key to Janet’s condo, which she had gotten in an envelope along with a letter two days earlier as part of her birthday gift. A house key may not mean much to a lot of people, but to Caitlyn, it symbolized trust and belonging. That she had another place to go when she needed to feel safe, or her depression symptoms were overwhelming.
That morning, she’d written in her new journal about what this next step meant to her. The last three months had been about discussing the past and figuring out if she and her mother could find a new normal going forward. They agreed that all they wanted was to put their family back together, but Caitlyn hoped that once and for all, she would have the relationship with Janet that she had always dreamed of.
Now, all she needed to do was express the biggest birthday wish of them all. She remembered how Janet hated to linger and didn’t want her friends or family to take too long to get to their point, so she smiled to herself and headed inside, immediately spotting Janet sitting at a table by a window.
“It’s about time!” Janet said with a laugh as she got up to hug Caitlyn. “What took you so long? It’s August and there is no snow, but if you want to blame traffic, I guess I’ll let it slide.”
“I just got lost in my thoughts,” Caitlyn replied, laughing in return. “Sorry, I know that you tend to be really focused and punctual. I’m glad you were able to get away from work.”
“When it comes to you and Drew, there would never be a question. Besides, my day was pretty much over, and I’ll never turn down a good coffee, even though I’ll be going home soon to eat dinner.
“So, you said you want to talk about what happened the other night? What’s on your mind?”
“All good things.” Caitlyn smiled and breathed again. Now she was nervous, and she pressed her shoulders back, hoping it would somehow help her relax. “Sorry if I sound like I’m all over the place or if I’m not entirely happy. I practiced this, but it may be hard to get the words out.
“Anyway, I read the letter you wrote, and I sat on it. It wasn’t long, but I knew you said everything you wanted and needed to. I really liked that you specifically said you were hoping to start over and reaffirmed that you want to be there for me if I’m having a hard time. I know nobody can go back in time and undo bad things they did, but what matters is that you’ve listened to me and committed to working on our relationship. And you’re right…even though I’m an adult now, I need a mother.
“All of this is my long-winded way of saying that I’m ready to forgive you. I want to be closer to you now and have this new relationship and try to start something good. You know…I think we’ve both suffered a lot over the years, but I don’t want to hurt anymore. I said to Dad and Kathleen when I decided to set out on communicating more with you that I wanted to love you but wasn’t sure if I could. But now I think I can, and you proved that. As long as you’ll keep working with me and talking, I think we have a lot of great times ahead of us.”
Janet smiled back at her and reached for her hand. Initially, she didn’t say anything, which Caitlyn knew was rare. After a moment’s quiet, she nodded, and a tear slid down her face.
“Mom, I didn’t mean to make you cry…” Caitlyn stammered. “Please. It’s OK.”
“No, I know.” Janet assured her. “I’m sorry, I need to let go for a minute. I just never thought I’d hear you say that. During my recovery, I’ve always known that forgiveness isn’t an entitlement; it needs to be earned. I longed to have you truly close to me like I did before my drinking took over and I went to rehab. I still think about how you were never the same, even after I came home. I don’t love that part of my past any more than you do. But now…just to hear that you’ve decided to forgive…thank you. That’s all I can say. I know; take stock of this moment because it’s not often that I shut up.”
“Well, I definitely will.” Caitlyn giggled. “But no, you’ve earned it. You responded to my initial letter, showed up when you said you were going to, and even went to counseling, even though I knew you didn’t love therapy. Believe me, after I sent the letter, I didn’t know what to expect from you or if I’d get a response. I did realize, though, that you had been there for me during stressful times when I was younger. If you ignored it, I’d be hurt, but it also wouldn’t have been very like you to just not listen to me. Once you admitted that you didn’t do all you could as a mother, that laid the right foundation moving forward because that told me you were ready to do better. I just had to be cautiously optimistic for a while.”
“I understand. And you know, you’ve always been so kind and gave second chances. Even if you didn’t want me around at times when you were in school, you did still reach out other times, and that gave me hope too. Just in a different way. I was grateful for every hug you gave me or each time you trusted me enough to cry around me, even letting me give you some affection.”
“You did remember that physical touch is my love language, too.” Caitlyn said. “Other than the times I’ve been depressed and wanted to isolate myself, I’ve always liked giving and receiving hugs, or holding someone’s hand, or the feeling of someone rubbing my back or arm when I’m down. It gives me comfort and makes me feel more connected to my friends or family. Even when you reached for my hand just now, I was immediately reassured that you’ve been taking these last few months seriously and you’re ready for something new too.”
“I’ve never been more ready. And though you may not believe me when I say this, words of affirmation is my love language. I know that I always seem surprised or sheepish when you or someone else praises my recovery or what a good job I’ve done at parenting, or even notices me for handling a difficult delivery well, but that helps me feel supported. Like I’m doing the right thing even when I think I’m not. That’s not as true at work because I’ve been confident in my career for a while, but with you and my friends, or other women I meet at AA, hearing a ‘thank you’ or that I’ve made a difference for someone makes me smile. It keeps me sober and moving forward.”
Caitlyn nodded. “I get why you would need that. I always liked hearing how proud I was making you and Dad too, no matter how much I may have made you guys want to tear your hair out when I was a teenager.
“You know, Mom, this whole thing has taught me a lot about acceptance. I’ve always considered myself a nice person and I try to treat others well and be tolerant but—”
“No, not but.” Janet interrupted. “You are. You never were a bully. Well, I wasn’t thrilled when you fought with your brother, but you’d be hard pressed to find siblings who never fight or antagonize each other. Hopefully things are different once you start reconnecting with him.
“Anyway, I apologize for cutting you off. You can keep going.”
“It’s OK. I was saying you’ve indirectly shown me how to be more forgiving. I realized that if Dad wasn’t still angry at you and had moved on with his life, I could try and do the same thing. I figured if this doesn’t work out and I decided we shouldn’t be close, at least I tried. At least you know how I feel now and regret hurting me. And I would have wished you the best. But…not having my mother around…that’s no way to go through life. You had a point when you talked about missing Grandma. No matter how old you get, sometimes you want to talk to your mom. At this point, I’ve accepted that you’re an addict and that you have some personality flaws, but so do I. Everyone does. And I know that slips and relapses will always be a possibility. I’m just ready to handle that now. There was no way I could have tackled that in college or a year ago. I can’t forget, but I can understand how far you’ve come since you were drinking and look forward to spending more time with you. Make more memories and new traditions. Let’s just be a family, you know?”
“So you’re in it for the long haul?” Janet asked, smiling.
“No matter how imperfect we may be.”
“Then I’m with you too. I've always loved you, of course, but I can renew that promise too. I think we’re going to do great, and I can’t wait to see what’s to come. Sometimes starting fresh is really the best thing you can do.”
“I think so too.”
They held hands again, and Caitlyn immediately felt a renewed sense of hope. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been so optimistic and didn’t feel like she was just spinning her wheels, praying that one day, things would get better between her and Janet.
Now it was real, and it was safe to say her birthday wish had been fulfilled.