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Janet poured Caitlyn a glass of lemonade and sat down at the table across from her. “Did you have a good nap?” she asked, observing Caitlyn while she rubbed her eyes.
“Yeah, but I was hoping it would be a little longer.” Caitlyn replied. “Ever since I got diagnosed, no amount of sleep seems to be enough. I think it’s because I can’t keep up with my vitamin supplements yet. That’s why I told you, I don’t know if I have it in me to be a good nurse after all. I guess it’s not too late to change my major to business or something like that.”
“You can do it. You still have two years of school left, and this is only a temporary bump in the road. Once you get more into the rhythm of managing your depression and learning what works for you, and you start seeing results from therapy, things will get back on track. Don’t discount yourself. It’s been almost 10 years since I went back to work after rehab, and I still remember those early days of wondering how I was going to navigate my career and recovery. I didn’t figure it out in a month or two either.”
“I know but I’ve had five months and I still feel lost.” Caitlyn frowned. “Did it take you that long?”
“There’s no time limit on these things, sweetie. But I will say, when I was five months sober, I remember trying to figure out what it would be like to have you guys staying at my new house. I was overwhelmed and didn’t want to think about being a mother and how you and Drew would feel about the custody arrangement, so I tried to focus on small things and build into bigger ideas, like how I wanted to decorate your bedrooms and what favorite meals I could cook. From there, I started to figure out how I could be a good co-parent and communicate with your dad about what happened at my house. I know I didn’t do a good job and that you don’t want much to do with me these days, but—”
“No, Mom, you did fine. You did your best. Just like you’re telling me to do now.”
“You’re scared for the future, aren’t you?” Janet asked, not even hesitating on her sentence.
“Yeah.” Caitlyn admitted, and she started to cry. “How did you know? Because you were at one time?”
“Well, that…and I am your mother. I could tell. I remember when you were so sure that being a nurse is what you wanted. And I’ll support you even if you think you don’t want that anymore. But are you just afraid that your depression will keep you from succeeding? Or is there something more going on?”
“Mostly that, but thinking that I’m going to be responsible for someone’s life and can’t screw up no matter what. It is a lot of pressure. I don’t know how you did this on top of getting sober.”
“I’ll just say that it does scare me, but I can’t think about it too much or I’d never get my job done.” Janet told her. “You have to make quick decisions and hope you’re doing the right thing by your patient. Or, patients, in my case, since I have to make sure both the mom and the baby are doing well. And doctors and nurses have to take care of themselves too and make sure they get enough sleep and time off; otherwise, you won’t be able to take care of your patients and you are more prone to mistakes. If you keep anything in mind over the next few years, remember that.”
“Is there anything in life that scares you now?” Caitlyn asked. “I ask because you always seem so pulled together and self-assured. Like nothing can bring you down.”
“If only you were around all the time…
“But yes. I hate the idea of being out of control. That was how I felt during my active addiction. When drinking wasn’t making me happy anymore, I started to feel lost, scared, like I didn’t have anything going for me. I remember wanting to stop, but never being able to until I finally admitted I couldn’t take it anymore. Then of course, I didn’t get any say in the terms of my probation or your father asking for the divorce. Everyone else was making choices for me. As I started to reclaim my life and get used to my new reality, I realized I didn’t want that to ever happen to me again. I wanted to be in charge now. These days, I worry about even being sick or hurt enough to end up hospitalized and have someone running my care and giving me orders. I try to be aware of my cravings and nip them in the bud so I can stay on track, but I know that it’s so easy to relapse. I’m terrified of ending up back in the same place and not being able to see you and Drew and to lose everything I’ve worked so hard to gain.”
“I understand.” Caitlyn said. “I freaked out at first when I thought about how much work I’d have to do to get back on track at school. I didn’t know if I could ever catch up or if Mercy would let me finish my clinical hours, and every day, I was getting more anxious and going into a bigger spiral. But I want to get through this. Even when I’ve been at my lowest, I’d be thinking about how much I want to be a nurse and try to imagine myself making a difference for someone. I can’t quit, you know?”
“Don’t you ever. Although if you do need to take a step back, you can tell me or someone you trust about it, and we’ll figure out how we can help you get better or go in a different direction.”
“I’ll remember that. I wish I could do more to help you with your recovery, but it seems like you have a lot of support behind you. I hope you stay sober so we can talk more like this and I feel like I can turn to you. But I’m glad you shared your fears and one of your biggest secrets with me. I’m sure you don’t like to tell anyone else what you’re afraid of.”
Janet laughed. “Well, yes, I avoid it if I can. It was worth it to share this with you, though. I want you to know that no matter how much I try to be strong or aware of when I need to be a good mother or doctor, I worry too. The key is not letting your fears overpower you and never try to survive alone. I tried to go through AA by myself for about six months until I asked my sponsor to help me. Now I can’t imagine my life without her.”
“And I can’t fully keep you out of my life either.” Caitlyn said. “I like to keep you at a distance, but you step up when I need you. What you just told me…it almost humanizes you for me. Thank you.”
Janet smiled at her and nodded, feeling like she didn’t have to add anything else. She had just gotten a lot off her chest, and if this is what it took to help Caitlyn trust her during one of the lowest periods of her life, she’d do it again in a heartbeat.