Work Text:
“I feel like you’re so quiet,” Janet said to Caitlyn over dinner. They had gone out for pizza, and both of them had been looking forward to relaxing and catching up on their work weeks, as well as reconnecting over their hobbies. It wasn’t anything noteworthy, except for the fact that it was their first time going out to dinner since Caitlyn had officially decided to forgive Janet for what had transpired when she was younger and commit to repairing their relationship. Part of that included an agreement to spend more time together and try to create more positive memories and traditions.
But still, Janet noticed that Caitlyn wasn’t as talkative as she expected. She hoped nothing was wrong.
“I know. And don’t worry, nothing’s wrong.” Caitlyn assured her. “I’m still trying to come to terms with the last few months, that’s all. It’s been an up-and-down ride. I don’t know about you, but I was overwhelmed at times. I haven’t changed my mind on forgiveness, but I’m kind of still adapting to a new normal with us, I guess.”
“That’s understood. We only last talked two weeks ago. I thought about calling you again, but something told me you would reach back out once you were ready. Like old times. I’m still trying to wrap my head around our new relationship too; sometimes it feels like this was all a dream, and when I wake up, we’ll still be far apart. You’re sure nothing’s bothering you, though?”
“Well, at least you’re acting like a mother.” Caitlyn laughed. “No. I feel pretty light actually. This is the first time in years I don’t feel burdened or in emotional pain. Reconciling with you has actually helped some of my depression symptoms, mostly the trouble sleeping and the blues, but I’m staying on my medication and in therapy. Even with that, I’m just so happy I can lean on you again. You’re really making an effort.”
“I feel the same way.” Janet said. “When you said you’d forgive me, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I’d been carrying so much guilt and regret around, and it’s like I can get through my days so much easier, even though I’ve always considered myself good at compartmentalizing my family and work lives. I’m ready to make friends at work again, maybe consider sponsoring someone else in AA since the last woman I sponsored moved away. When she did, I decided to take a break and focus on myself for a bit. Now I’m starting to think it’s time to share the message again because I have another example of what making amends can look like and the beautiful things that can happen when someone gives you another chance. I still don’t know that I deserve it, though.”
“It stuck with me how you said you’d never thought you’d see the day I came back to you.” Caitlyn told her. “There were times I didn’t think I would ever be able to do it either. But I’m glad I realized that I did need you, even though I didn’t want to admit it right away. I thought I only needed Dad and Aunt Betsy, since they live the closest. And Ellie because she is my rock. I didn’t feel whole, though. Like I had all these wonderful people around me, but I didn’t want to keep going through life without you.
“I feel bad that this is going in such a sad direction.” She took a deep breath, trying not to cry. “We were supposed to be having fun and talking about our lives.”
“Well, we are talking, aren’t we? Sharing your feelings and building relationships is very much a part of life. Sometimes you can’t unpack things in one or two conversations. But we can change the subject whenever you’re ready.”
“Maybe I should tell you something positive then. Look, I’ve been doing some more thinking and trying to get into the journaling habit, and the other day, I started writing out all the ways you inspire me. And I never told you this before, but you are a positive influence on a lot of people, even if I haven’t met everyone you’ve helped. Or, anyone, I guess since the only one of your coworkers I know is Archie and you’ve only mentioned the others by name, not to mention I don’t know anything about your patients or the woman you were sponsoring. Which is understandable. But now I can say you’re a role model to me.”
Now Janet felt like she was the one who needed to breathe and hold in tears, which she still believed went against her personality. But she knew she needed to try and express herself so she could feel closer to Caitlyn.
“Really?” she asked, giving her a small smile.
“Of course. I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t mean it. It’s not just because you’ve been sober for over 10 years, although that’s amazing on its own. Or because you’re a great doctor, even though I know you are because I looked you up a few times and your patients have so many great things to say about you. You’re such a fighter; that’s what I love about you. You worked hard to get and stay sober, and I can’t imagine what it was like to go through that. I know you were trying when I was younger, but I didn’t fully understand it until college and when we started getting honest a few months ago. You have bad days, but you don’t let it affect you; you brush yourself off and keep going. You may not believe you have an affectionate and loving side, but you do. I thought it took a lot of strength for you to offer me a hug and a shoulder to cry on in our first real conversation in years.”
“I didn’t think you were going to want it. When you rested your head on me and started crying, I knew I just had to hold you and find the words to say everything was going to work out. As a mom, that meant letting you know that you’re doing fine even though you don’t always think you are. Come to think about it, I realized the things I told you were the ways you inspire me . I may have gone through medical school, but you beat your own odds to become a nurse and didn’t choose a new career just because a few people expressed doubts that you could handle the job. You have more creative talents than I’ve ever expressed; try as I might, I can’t draw much more than a stick figure or paint unless you hand me a paint-by-numbers book. And you’ve always wanted to talk to me through pictures and dance. It takes a whole other level of creativity to find stories that don’t use words.”
“I don’t know what my life would be without those things. I still take dance classes sometimes. If you want to really bond with me, you can come to adult ballet. There’s a woman about your age in my class; she has a great time.”
“I’ll pass. I’ll never be that graceful.” That lightened the mood, and they both started laughing.
“Thanks for opening up, Mom,” Caitlyn said. “I’m glad you’re still working on being more vulnerable with me. When I was younger, I understood you loved me, but sometimes I couldn’t grasp just how much. Back then, I thought you didn’t love me if you weren’t at every event or didn’t talk to me on the phone all the time. Now I know love is more than just being present. Anyone can show up to something and watch, after all. But now, love means we make the most of our time together and that we keep promises to each other. And we communicate. What do you think?”
“Taking steps into the unknown because I care that much about you. Calling you after I had time to absorb that first letter you wrote me and telling you I was ready to take the leap, and I’d hear what you had to say. Which goes back to communication. It meant, though, that I respected your viewpoint, and you can’t have any kind of relationship without care and respect for the other person. If I’d shut you down or never even acknowledged your letter, that’s not love. That just breeds anger and resentment.
“And I’m really happy to hear that I’ve inspired you,” Janet added. ”That we’ve come far enough that you can tell me that. It’s another way of showing love, no doubt.”
“I almost can’t believe you look up to me in some ways too.” Caitlyn smiled. “The mutual understanding can only help us, you know? I really think we’re starting our new relationship on the right foot.”
“I can’t wait to hear what else you want to tell me for the first time.” Janet started to look ahead too. She could only imagine how long Caitlyn had been hiding her truths and was ready to let them out. There were still a lot of conversations to come, but instead of feeling dread or uncertainty, she was ready to hear everything her daughter had to say.
And maybe she’d find some things she needed to say for the first time too.