Work Text:
Carter was sitting at the front desk, staring into space while simultaneously trying not to doze off, but all he wanted was to stay in the thick of the action, even if there was little he could do. No one had ever really told him being a doctor could be this boring.
Then again, when he was a medical student, how could he have ever predicted that he’d be brutally stabbed at work and develop a painkiller addiction that would put his career in jeopardy and require him to earn back his colleagues’ and superiors’ trust? Even though he couldn’t question the reason for his probation and limited duties, he was as tired from a day of doing nothing as he might be if he’d been thrown right back into MVA and GSW traumas.
“I thought your shift was over,” Jing-Mei breezily said as she walked by him, which made him jump and blink his eyes a few times. “Although maybe I misread the clock, but still, how are you done with work and not racing to the lounge to get your coat and get out of here?” She gestured for him to follow her to the lounge, and she started turning the combination on her locker to get her own coat.
“It is, but it’s a little hard not being able to do much with patients. I find myself spectating and wishing I could do more.” Carter explained. “But I understand how you feel too, trust me. Right now, even though I can’t do much, I missed this place when I was away. And actually being a doctor.”
“Oh, you still are. It just looks different, and this is only temporary for you.”
She turned towards him. “You hungry? I’m heading over to Doc Magoo’s because right now, the baby and I are really craving a cheeseburger. Maybe you could join us.”
“Sounds great,” he agreed. He didn’t want to admit it, but he had also missed the greasy diner food and scorching hot coffee that Doc’s was famous for. Not to mention all the good times he shared with coworkers there, or when they headed across the street after a bad day to commiserate. The food in rehab just never measured up.
“Did I make things awkward when I saw you at the start of my shift?” he asked. “I just didn’t know what to say. But then again, even the ID badges have changed since I left. I thought I’d shown up at a different hospital and someone was going to redirect me to County.”
“It’s really not a big deal,” she replied. “You being awkward and surprised was hardly the worst thing I’ve heard since word of my pregnancy spread around. And believe me, it’s not like I planned this either. I’ve been overwhelmed since I found out, and before you got back, I had to help deliver this really tiny premature baby. He didn’t even survive 24 hours.”
“I remember. Abby told me about it.”
“Yeah. Well, it freaked me out to think that my baby was the same size as that preemie. Not to mention I’m having a boy, although I can’t imagine I’d feel differently if I were having a girl.”
“A son.” Carter nodded. “Are you excited?”
“Not exactly. It’s not like I wanted this to happen. Although it’s not like I don’t know that unprotected sex can lead to a pregnancy. Frank and I just had a little bit of fun, a friends with benefits kind of thing. And….he doesn’t know yet. Please don’t judge me or ask when I’m going to tell him. I don’t know if I can really handle having a baby in the same year I can apply to be chief resident. I thank God that I can avoid working with anyone from the ICU for the most part.”
“I’m in no position to judge anyone,” he reminded her. “Everyone else is doing that to me. So I guess you and I have that in common right now.”
“Do you know what gets to me the most?” Jing-Mei asked. “That as much as I want to run from this situation and not tell Frank, or at least put it off as long as possible, and not face my parents—because they always thought I should wait until I married someone of a similar background to have a child—I have to give birth eventually. And I have to worry about all the discomfort and uncertainty that comes with that. I can’t keep this kid inside me until he turns 18. December is coming fast. And I have to accept that Frank has a right to know, as uncomfortable as it will be. Either I have to set up a time to talk to him or I’ll see him in the cafeteria or something and the truth will come out.”
“And how are you going to handle your parents?”
“I can’t even go there. But it’s the same thing; just another reason why this couldn’t have happened at a worse time. What can you do, though?” She shrugged.
“I thought initially I should be able to wear some looser fitting clothes and act like everything is fine, tell them there are no big updates on my life,” she continued. “Maybe I’ll talk about how I want to be chief resident next year so they can have something to brag about. Or grill me way too much about my application and who I’m going to ask to be my references. Even then…” She trailed off. “Something tells me if I don’t tell them, they’ll figure it out.
“Look, I know your situation can’t compare to mine, but now that a few months have passed, did you have a moment in rehab where you realized you couldn’t hide anymore? That your problems were going to catch up to you at some point, or it sank in that they did and you had to figure out how to pick yourself up and put your life back together?”
“Actually, I think that came when Benton was trying to get me to go to the airport so I could get on the flight to Atlanta. Did he tell the story of what happened outside that night?”
“Not to me. All I knew is that you did get on the plane, albeit after some more pushing and arguing.”
Carter nodded again, relieved that Jing-Mei didn’t know that he had punched Benton, and Benton had just brushed it off as if it were another day on the job.
“Well,” he began, deciding to leave that part out. “Benton mentioned how I could end up like Chase, my cousin I told you about when you first came back earlier this year. I was pretty furious because what happened to him almost tore my family apart and it was so personal. When he saw how much it affected me, he told me that I could be angry, but I was getting in Mark’s van. I just broke down…like I knew I needed help but was in denial. So in that sense, no, I couldn’t keep running. Especially because, as you know, I would get fired if I didn’t go.”
“Did you ever think you would be OK with getting fired if it meant not having to go?”
“At the time, I was. I thought I didn’t need to be a doctor anyway. But after I had been in rehab for a couple of weeks, I realized that medicine was my life’s purpose. I was afraid of what the future would hold after and how people would treat me when I got back to work, but I thought of how I didn’t know anything else. Everyone who helped me and Lucy still went back to work after one of the crappiest nights of their lives because there were still emergencies and people waiting to be helped. So I hope I can get back on track too.”
“You will,” Jing-Mei assured him. “Don’t be like me…run out and quit in a huff and then come crawling back in five years. I was lucky my father made a nice donation because I don’t think I would’ve gotten another chance otherwise. I also know I was fortunate in that there had been a lot of turnover when I came back or people forgot about me, so I didn’t have to face a reckoning like you did. But I lived with the guilt of being more eager for procedures than caring for patients for quite a while. So I guess you and I have punished ourselves enough, huh?”
“It feels like it.” Carter replied. “I do think everyone wishes they could have stopped time at some point or at least wanted more time to think of how to handle a bad situation. Or that they could go back. Sometimes I still think that Lucy wouldn’t be dead if I had just listened to her concerns about Paul. And I regret not being a better teacher and taking after Benton rather than adopting my own style.”
“Believe me, if I could go back, I don’t know that I would have gone on that date with Frank. I could have avoided…all of this. Wanting to hide my pregnancy and not tell him, even though I’m an adult and know I have to face the music at some point. It makes me feel so immature. Then again, who’s to say I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant after having fun with some other guy and still be in the same situation? Birth control isn’t 100%. And you don’t know. You and Lucy could have had a perfect working relationship and she could have been brought into the trauma room after getting shot or getting into a car accident, and she could still be dead; it just wouldn’t have happened at the hands of a patient. Then we’d still be talking about how much potential she had and how unfair it is that her life got cut short. I’ve learned you do your best with what happens in the moment and try to live your life, because there are no do-overs.”
Go back to work, Carter thought, remembering what Carol told him the day he found out Lucy had matched in psychiatry at County.
“It does all catch up to you eventually,” he said. “Problems always seem to find us. So, here’s to some good karma going forward. Let’s just try to deal with things head-on.”
“I can go for that.” She finished talking just as their food was put in front of them. She had ordered a bacon cheeseburger and fries, while he went for two chili dogs, having some fries as well.
“And I can definitely go for this,” she laughed. “And anything you don’t finish.”
“Oh, I can’t promise you I’ll have leftovers. But you know what else time won’t wait for? Us to start eating. If we linger for too much longer, this will all get cold. So, let’s dig in.”