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[Insert Freeze Frame Here]
“And by now you may be wondering… just what in the world is going on here? And, most importantly…is there any orange juice left?” Aoko says gravelly.
“Who are you talking to?” Heiji asks, confused.
“People, people, keep calm! Hold your horses! Grab your chocolate! Wear your comfiest pair of socks! ‘Cause we're going on a ride! Not the throwy-up kind, don’t you worry!”
“No, seriously, who is she talking to?” Heiji asks the sea of faces facing them.
Their captors all shrug their shoulders, just as bewildered as Heiji feels.
“But, to do that—and possibly get an explanation for this madness? It is essential that we turn this sitch around on its head.”
“Oi, are you trying to break the fourth wall?” Heiji asks exasperated. “There’s literally no one there. You’re talking to no one. Please tell me you’re aware of that, at least?”
Aoko continues unperturbed to address the readers of this fic. “Let us start from the…well, start. Or well, an approximation of it…so let us rewind!”
Heiji gets a call in the middle of his investigation—which has mostly been asking eyewitnesses for their statement, which has brought nothing to fruition.
He sees the caller ID and immediately accepts the call.
“Yo, Kudo.”
“How are things going?”
“They’re going.”
“You still following that case?”
Heiji blinks the midday scorching sun out of his eyes. Why did he think wearing a jacket was a good idea?
“Yep. No luck still.”
“Ah-huh.” Kudo seems distracted. “Stop that, KID–! Uh, Hattori, listen, when are you coming back to Osaka?”
Heiji sighs. “Once I wrap things up here. Why?”
“Kazuha’s asking about you and–I’ll pay attention to you as soon as I’m done with the call!”
Heiji frowns, especially after he hears something like a whine in the background. Who is Kudo talking to?
Then the first part of the conversation clicks.
Heiji rolls his eyes at his childhood best friend’s impatience. “I told her I was on an important job. Tch. So impatient. I’ll be there when I’ll be there.” He ends the call and pockets his phone.
Now, onwards to hunt down more eyewitnesses who will give him scraps of information that will lead him nowhere…
Sometimes, not always, but sometimes Heiji questions why he chose detective-ing as his passion.
Heiji stops her from falling on her face and making a clown of herself by grabbing her arm and pulling her to her feet when they cross paths and he sees her wobbling in the middle of the busy street.
That’s it.
That’s it!
The stranger doesn’t seem to think that’s it.
Sitting at a café, sipping her orange juice loudly in an atrocious way that makes his ears bleed, Aoko puts down her children’s drink of choice and regards him with an intensity that a complete stranger should not allow themselves to have toward another stranger.
“So.” Aoko nods to herself, arms crossed. “You wanna be my new father figure, huh?”
Huh?
Heiji frowns. “Who would even want that?”
Aoko gazes into the distance with that selfsame intense expression crossing her face.
“...that’s exactly what a father figure would say.”
“Like hell it is!”
Heiji really has no time for this shit.
“Listen, why don’t you ask Hakubastard to help with that?” He asks without asking, pointing at her head, specifically her brain, and what’s wrong with it.
“Don’t call him that!” Aoko scoffs. “Besides, everyone knows Saguru-sama is my mother figure.”
Heiji snorts, speechless. Actually, he has a short little speech. “Did you just make that up on the spot? Because it sounds like you just made that up on the spot.”
“You’re going to blow my cover and derail me!”
“I promise Aoko will be good! Scout’s honor!”
“He takes care of things, yes.” Aoko nods quickly to herself. “That’s what a Papa does.”
“What’s a ‘Papa’!?” Heiji exclaims. “Actually, don’t answer that, I don’t wanna know.”
They’re surrounded on all sides, there’s physically no way to escape.
Aoko spits on the ground. “A sucker is born every minute.”
“So now you act all tough and–” Heiji balks when he turns to look at her. “Where did you even get the sunglasses?!”
Aoko turns toward him, wearing the sunglasses she took out of god knows where. “It’s my character.”
“What character!?”
“The one I’m playing to intimidate these jerks.” She spits on the ground, again, for what she believes is emphasis.
“You're not exactly inspiring confidence right now!”
“Mph!”
He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose.
“Oi.” Heiji nudges her arm, whispering. “I'm assuming you have a plan?”
The sunglasses glare at him.
“That's a very solid assumption.”
“I don't know whether to be disappointed or impressed.”
Aoko belches. It literally shakes the walls.
“Impressed it is, then.” Heiji concludes.
200000
Aoko stares at the ‘leader’ with narrowed eyes. “What if I add a zero?”
He waves a hand. “Keep talking.”
Aoko takes the pen and, just like she said, adds a zero.
0200000
“...why would you add a zero in front of the number!?”
“I said I would add a zero.” Aoko says slowly. “I didn't say where I would add it.”
“Yeah. That's fair.” The ‘leader’ nods.
“Don't encourage her madness!” Heiji exclaims.
It’s glitter poured on a pound of shit.
Heiji doesn’t have the time for an existential crisis right now—and not even his own, but someone else’s!
“So maybe I like the color pink!” Aoko is raking hands through her already messy hair, screaming in distress. “And maybe I love beefing with raccoons!” She shouts, a notch higher on the scale of distress. “So maybe I’m just like other girls! So what?!”
“Forget ‘other girls’! That doesn't even sound like ‘other human beings’!” Heiji exclaims.
Aoko sniffles dramatically as she sharply turns away. “...I know you're judging me for being girly.”
“I'm judging you for being a complete lunatic!”
“All this crying…but no tears?”
“My tears are on the inside! I'm made of tears!”
“That's disgusting.”
“What's legal isn't always right. And what's illegal isn't always wrong.” Heiji states. “Once you grow up, you'll start to see that for yourself.”
“What do you want from me?!”
“I told you. I want you to be my new father figure.” Aoko whines as she trudges behind him.
Heiji abruptly stops and Aoko crashes against his back. He turns to look at the girl currently rubbing her nose.
Heiji breathes out slowly. “Look, don’t you have a real father to bother?”
Her chin quivers. “Yes. But he’s not home right now.”
“Where is he?”
“At work.”
Heiji resumes his escaping away from her. “Great. Go bother him there and leave me alone.”
Unfortunately for him, the annoying girl keeps. on. following. him.
“I can’t. I’m not allowed to bother him at work.”
“But he’s never at home anymore!” Her voice cracks. “I don’t even remember the last time I saw him!”
Heiji blinks, twice. He’s looking at the stark loneliness spreading in waves across her face, her eyes swimming with it.
So this is why she’s acting this way…
Heiji stops in his tracks. He slowly, metaphorically retraces his steps.
And feels like utter and complete shit.
Why does having a conscience sting so bad sometimes?
Ugh, fine. Fine!
“I guess I…” Heiji shrugs somewhat stiffly, darting a glance in her direction then away as he rubs his nape self-consciously. “...I could stay for an ice cream.”
Aoko’s eyes literally sparkle in that fake way that characters’s in cartoons do.
“Papa!”
“Ugh, don’t call me that.”
Aoko watches him with a bright, bright smile as she finishes her ice cream and swings her legs back and forth like a happy child.
“Don’t you know that the best people in life are free?”
“How did you get this?” Heiji asks, admittedly in awe, because he was just handed the key to solving the case.
Aoko grins all self-congratulatory. “By pretending I got hurt.”
She takes her hand off her face.
“AAAAAHHHHH!”
Heiji and Kaito can’t help but scream at the horrific state the bruise on her bruise–er, face is in.
“I'll go look for a first aid kit.” Kaito mumbles and excuses himself.
“Since when did you and Ahoko get close?” Kaito asks.
Heiji shrugs and narrows his eyes at him. “That's a weird question. Do you want in on our book club or somethin’?”
Aoko abruptly falls at their feet.
Heiji won’t ever admit it to a living soul, but it scares him shitless—until he hears soft snoring coming from the girl.
“It’s fine.” Kaito reassures calmly. “She always does this.”
“Don't worry, she’s on drugs.”
Heiji turns to look at him with a WTF look. “Really?”
“Nah. But it's easier to tell people that rather than explain that she's just an adorable dumbass with one braincell.” Kaito explains.
Heiji watches as Aoko attempts to catch pigeons with her bare hands in the background.
“...fair point.”
Post-Credit-Ending-Scene
Heiji answers his phone. “Yo, Kudo.”
“Kazuha is asking for you.” Kudo kindly informs him. “Where are you anyway?”
“That’s not important right now.” Heiji says, just a hint of desperation lacing his voice. “...So. I don't know exactly how to put it but…”
He just ends up blurting it out.
“I think I accidentally adopted a teenager today.”
From the other end of the line he hears complete silence, until...
“Hattori. What the fuck.”