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"What's wrong?" Johannes asks the moment they walk off stage, safely out of view and earshot of anyone except the crew.
"Nothing," Jonttu replies automatically.
"Are you lying?"
Jonttu stops to level a stare at Johannes. "No."
Johannes squints at him. Jonttu doesn't budge. Crew is rushing around them, getting ready to gather up their things and get back on the road after a long day of work.
Jonttu finally gives up and starts walking again. Johannes follows.
"You're mad at me?" he guesses.
Jonttu sighs. "No." Before Johannes can so much as open his mouth, Jonttu points at him accusingly. "And I'm still not lying."
Johannes holds up his hands in defeat. They make it to the dressing room in silence, Aarni soon joining them.
"When's the bus call?" Jonttu asks him.
Aarni shrugs. "Midnight, right?" He looks to Johannes.
Johannes nods. "Yes, midnight."
Jonttu nods at the two and leaves without another word.
The silence he leaves in his wake is unusual. Aarni gives Johannes an odd look.
"You okay?"
Johannes sighs. "Yeah."
"Is Jonttu?"
Johannes shrugs. "He said he is."
Aarni frowns at the door, as if he could follow Jonttu through it with just his eyes. "Was it about earlier?"
Johannes shrugs again. "I think so. He said no."
Aarni shakes his head, turning back to his stuff.
Much later, Johannes is almost late for the bus. But not late enough to get anything other than a disapproving stare from the TM.
However, Jonttu is already asleep by the time he makes it there. Johannes resigns himself for a sleepless night of wondering how to fix things now. With how busy their schedule has been, it's a wonder he still manages to have sleepless nights when all he feels is exhausted.
Jonttu doesn't say anything during their morning fiilisrinki over breakfast. That is, anything about how things actually are. He talks plenty about the day ahead, considering it is a very busy one. Festival on a very tight schedule, coupled with some interviews they're doing around it as well.
Johannes doesn't bring it up either, because he already apologized and if Jonttu says it's fine then continually pressing him isn't going to make him talk. Or so Johannes has to tell himself over and over, because logically he knows that from just how well he knows Jonttu.
At the same time he wants to rip out his own hair and beg his friend to just say what's up. But he manages to not do that. He manages to not bring it up again for the whole day actually. It's not that much of an achievement though, because as Johannes very well knows, the day is busy and they barely get to chat to begin with.
The bus call is late again, Johannes got caught up again, he's almost late again, and Jonttu has gone to bed by the time they actually would have time to talk. Again.
Johannes spends a good while listening to their driver tell stories while he stares out the window in an attempt to distract himself from it. It almost works.
At least he falls asleep eventually, though sitting upright at the front is far from the best sleeping position.
Jonttu leaves the bus as soon as it stops in the morning. Johannes is barely awake then, still working through the persistent pain in his neck and his headache from having been woken up on so little sleep. Both Okko and Aarni give him significant looks as he finally stumbles outside.
"Yeah yeah, I'll go talk to him," he waves them off before they can do much more than mumble good mornings.
Johannes follows after Jonttu into the diner they're having breakfast at today. Jonttu doesn't acknowledge his existence at all, even when Johannes sits across from him at the furthest corner booth in the place, praying that this isn't the morning they get intercepted by eager Kuumaa fans at 8 am.
Johannes decides to play Jonttu's game. He ignores him as well, instead staring out of the window into the woods around the diner. They eat in an odd silence for a while.
"You're still not mad, huh?" Johannes asks, when Jonttu has almost finished his coffee.
Jonttu doesn't even glance at him. "Nope."
"You're just fine?"
"Yup."
Johannes finally turns to look at Jonttu, who is scarfing down his food while scrolling the news on his phone, looking and acting like he always does, like everything's fine.
"When are you gonna talk to me about it?" Johannes asks.
Jonttu doesn't answer him.
Everything goes by like it always does on stage. Johannes gives it his all, focuses on the audience, trying to empty all other thoughts out of his head. It takes effor every time, but it's so very worth it, every time.
The audience is radiant, the music flows through him and he lets himself get carried away by the feeling.
Aarni and Jonttu mess about. It's easy to fall into the idea that nothing else matters except these moments.
And they come off stage and Jonttu is already a hundred miles ahead of him, always just out of reach for Johannes to even try to start a conversation.
Someone from the crew asks something from Johannes. A friend walks by, stops to chat. Okko needs a hand with something. Johannes is forced to watch Jonttu walk away.
By the time Johannes even makes it to their dressing room, Jonttu is long gone. Aarni gives Johannes a look that confirms it'll be useless to go looking for him before the bus call.
"I am talking to him about it," he replies at the accusatory stare.
"Clearly," Aarni rolls his eyes.
Johannes looks him in the eyes. Aarni looks back.
"I'm trying, okay?"
Aarni sighs and walks over, squeezing his shoulder as he walks past. "I know you are."
It doesn't help much, but Johannes keeps the words in his mind for the rest of the day, even when Jonttu has yet again gone to sleep before Johannes can try to talk to him.
His own words from that night ring in his ears, over and over, on a loop that doesn't leave him be.
Johannes doesn't remember the last time any of them had an argument. At least, an argument that went beyond some heated words and work stress. An argument that got personal.
Maybe that's why the words he said are stuck to his mind so firmly.
When would he last have even used a tone like that at Jonttu, let alone raised his voice?
He hopes Jonttu doesn't hear them in his head all the time like he does.
At least it's evident Jonttu isn't losing sleep from it, considering how well he has managed to fall asleep before Johannes can ever bring it up. If Johannes didn't know any better, he would guess Jonttu really is as fine as he claims to be.
Except Johannes knows better.
Johannes knows Jonttu didn't deserve it. Johannes so rarely loses his temper like that, and it wasn't Jonttu's fault, and he didn't deserve it.
And Johannes knows Jonttu doesn't avoid people like this when he's just fine. Jonttu is the social butterfly of them, after all. Always so easygoing. Until he's not.
So Johannes doesn't sleep well, and crawls out of bed tired the next morning, and can't even string together enough thoughts to voice how shit he feels when they have another morning fiilisrinki.
Jonttu continues to act like everything is fine. Johannes would hate him for it if he already didn't hate himself for it.
They have 2 days off. Nothing changes.
There's another long drive that Jonttu spends busy. Nothing changes.
They have a week off after that, discounting all the work they do on that week off.
They talk about songs and shows and production and merch and promo and interviews and everything else in between.
Nothing still changes.
"What's wrong?" Aarni asks him one night as they're leaving the studio.
The walkie talkie had stayed silent the whole day.
"What do you think?" Johannes almost snaps back.
Aarni pauses packing up his things. He turns to Johannes, who is already muttering apologies, because he doesn't want to start another fight when the last one still hangs over his every waking and sleeping moment.
Aarni pulls him in for a hug. Johannes lets him.
"You know him," Aarni says simply and calmly.
"Yeah."
"You'll figure it out," Aarni continues.
Johannes doesn't think it'll be that easy. Still, he knows it's true because Aarni says it and there simply isn't another option.
It's a long drive up north. Jonttu is laying on the couch, on his phone.
Johannes is barely awake, and no one else in the entire bus aside from them and the driver is actually awake.
Maybe it's the fact that Jonttu can't walk out on him from a moving vehicle. Maybe it's how he's been ignoring Johannes' presence since he woke up. Maybe it's the fact that Johannes is dead tired of the silence and hearing his own words ring through his head.
He gets up and sits down at the foot of the couch. Jonttu doesn't look up.
"Jonttu."
Jonttu continues to ignore him.
Johannes takes a deep breath.
"Jonttu, I'm really sorry."
Jonttu's eyes flick up at him. Johannes doesn't let himself look away.
Finally Jonttu discards his phone.
There's a pause.
Jonttu looks away. "Don't be sorry."
Johannes shakes his head. "But I am. I want you to know that."
Jonttu closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Then he sits up so he can properly face Johannes. Even so his eyes bounce around quite a bit, not really holding eye contact, though he's at least finally looking at Johannes.
"Don't. Don't do that to yourself."
Johannes frowns. "I'm not doing anything to myself."
Jonttu rolls his eyes. "Good. Then don't be sorry."
Johannes doesn't understand at all, but it's the first time they've talked about it, so he can't bring himself to stop. "Why wouldn't I be sorry for it? I shouldn't have said... it, I shouldn't have treated you like that. You didn't deserve it."
Jonttu rubs a hand over his face. He looks like it pains him to hear the words.
He looks twice as pained to have to say anything. "Yeah, okay. I get that. But you still don't have to apologize for it."
Johannes stares at Jonttu, who stares back.
Johannes has no idea what is going on anymore.
"I don't get it," Johannes finally admits.
Jonttu doesn't reply. Instead he looks away like he's considering jumping out of the window.
As an immediate reaction Johannes grabs Jonttu's hoodie sleeve. Jonttu turns to stare down at his hand on his arm, but he doesn't move away or shrug it off.
Johannes keeps a hold of him, keeps looking at him.
"Tell me."
Jonttu doesn't look back at him. Johannes can feel how tense he is.
Johannes doesn't waver. As much as he wants to just not deal with any of this, he needs to know. Needs to know that Jonttu is really okay, that they're okay. That's all he needs.
"Darling, tell me what's wrong."
Jonttu still doesn't turn to him. Instead he takes a deep breath. Johannes waits.
Finally, after an agonizingly long wait that may have been an eternity, Jonttu speaks.
"I'm sorry." Jonttu takes another deep breath. "If anything, I should be the one apologizing."
Johannes frowns, opens his mouth to maybe say a word of protest but Jonttu grabs his hand and just holds it between his own.
"Don't. Just... wait."
Johannes waits. He doesn't want to, but he does. Jonttu squeezes his hand. Johannes squeezes back.
Jonttu sighs again. "You're so wound up about everything. We barely have time to sleep, and I should know by now you never sleep well on the bus, and it's insane how packed our schedule is. And then on top of that you're out there facing all the interviews and pulling us guests on stage and practicing extra with some of them and I should by now know. I should have realized."
Jonttu turns to Johannes. This time Johannes is the one who wants to look away.
"So yeah. Don't do that. Don't get all mopey on me about what you said. You don't need it. Not on top of everything else going on."
Johannes doesn't know what to reply, so he doesn't. Jonttu looks away again. He doesn't keep talking.
"What's wrong?" Johannes asks, quietly, "Honestly, this time."
Jonttu gives him a look, somewhere between pissed off and fond. "I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself for pushing you so hard. I should have known better. And I'm sorry for that."
Johannes pulls him closer. Jonttu goes with it, hugging him back. Johannes keeps pushing closer though, until they're both laying down on the couch and Johannes can rest his head on Jonttu's chest.
A weight Johannes didn't realize he was carrying lifts off his shoulders and he lets himself just breathe.
"Are you gonna let me move again?" Jonttu asks, when it becomes apparent Johannes has no intention of letting him go again.
"Nope. You deserve this."
Jonttu wiggles in his hold but Johannes only tightens his arms around him.
Jonttu huffs, but settles. "For what."
"For avoiding me. Now I'm going to hog you for the rest of the day to make up for it."
Jonttu snorts. "We're just locked on the bus today."
Johannes smiles. "I know."
He can practically feel Jonttu roll his eyes. "I take everything back. You can rot."
Johannes lifts up his head so he can look at Jonttu properly. "Love you."
Jonttu gives him a long suffering look. "Love you too."