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He never should have let it get this bad. Frankly, he mostly wasn’t aware it even started to get bad until it was too late.
Now, one might ask, when did it get this bad, and, frankly, why did it start in the first place? Jungwon supposed it all began as it always did, with the start of their comeback preparations.
💙
It was no secret that Jungwon was stressed with his responsibilities as a leader during their upcoming comeback, as he always was. Except they had been going nonstop since they returned to Seoul from their tour, and now, suddenly, the things that were easy weren’t as easy anymore. Eating, sleeping, breathing. Suddenly, Jungwon couldn’t stand without his back arching and his mind aching.
But it was fine, because he could take it and he would survive despite it all. Just survive and it’ll pass.
But then another option made itself much clearer to him. Stress-relief in one of the easiest forms possible. A razor. Something he could keep under his control, unlike his ever-heightening schedules and ever-disobedient members who seemed to be going through a late rebellious phase in their lives.
He started somewhere unobvious, his thighs. It was starting to get warmer in Seoul, but he could still mostly get away with wearing sweats outside of their schedules. They were small, probably barely noticeable if they didn’t draw blood, but they did bleed, and Jungwon felt like crying because he was sure his thighs had enough fat for him to cut and not make him bleed. But, instead, he simply sighed out like a parent disappointed in their child and grabbed the bandages from their cabinet.
Some part of him knew what he was doing wasn’t right. A tiny part of his brain still begged him to stop; to talk to someone and figure out how to handle his stress in some less-destructive way. But his struggle for control outweighed his logic. Plus, it was easy to get hooked. Once he was reeled in, it’d be hard to recover from the initial action.
💙
One cut a day. Just one. It would stay under control that way. Jungwon could control it, would control it, because it was the one thing in his grasp and he sure as hell would not let it go.
But the burn felt so good. The blood trickling down the inside of his thighs made him feel the release from his stress only his body could provide. He was cursed to chase that high forevermore the moment the razor touched his skin.
The urge started getting out of hand fast. He could feel the itch to cut under his skin every time he met eyes with their management team’s serious faces.
He noticed how Sunoo started paying attention to him more outside of their schedules. The sentiment was nice, sure, but Jungwon didn’t care much because he was fine, and he would continue to be fine as long as he kept you-know-what under control.
And then, he had first bad day in the midst of their album preparations, and Jungwon suddenly wished he snuck the razor out of the bathroom with himself that morning.
“You okay, Jungwonie?” Sunoo whispered after a particularly harsh scolding from their dance instructor.
“Mm. I’m fine, Sunoo-hyung.” Jungwon nodded, a cool smile on his face as he scratched at his thigh.
“You sure?” Sunoo whispered worriedly, leaning in closer to the leader.
Jungwon looked at him, somewhat confusedly, “Yeah. I’m fine.” He spoke with an overly serious tone.
Sunoo’s eyebrows furrowed, “Okay. If you’re sure.” He spoke defensively, eyeing the boy seriously.
That was weird. Why would Sunoo ask him if he was okay when he was so visibly fine? Sure, the scolding hurt, but he could just cut it away. One swipe of the legs and he would feel better once again.
💙
Sunoo started following him around more after that day. The only reprieve he got from the boy’s added attention was when he trailed into the bathroom.
It had already been five days since Jungwon started cutting, so why did he start paying attention when Jungwon was just starting to feel better? It really made no sense to Jungwon.
His responsibilities only seemed to pile on one after the other as they continued with their comeback preparations. He was tired. Some days the cutting wasn’t enough to soothe the ache of sleep deprivation, and all he could do was nod along and just keep walking while he scratched his thighs.
Jungwon seemed a little too un-caring about his mistakes. Sunoo thought it was strange; like he was disconnected from his usual stressful reality. The question was: was it through simple dissociation or something more? Sunoo hoped he was just reading too much into the situation, but he had a feeling that hope was too good to be true.
Jungwon was acting weird; he was too calm despite the fact that his schedules were twice as much as theirs. Sunoo was worried. He could sense something was fundamentally wrong with their leader. Yet, all he felt he could do was worry and check up on the boy whenever possible.
💙
Jungwon was starting to run out of room on his legs. It was the beginning of the summer months, and their wardrobe department mostly rented men’s shorts and tank tops to fit the boys’ bright, warm concept for their album. He was at the threshold where if he cut on his legs once more it would show in any picture taken of him. He was careful; he didn’t cut anywhere near his veins and he sure as hell wouldn’t cut his wrists, he wasn’t stupid enough to be exposed that way. So where else could he go where it wouldn’t affect his schedules? His feet? No, that would only make them ache more during dance practice. His shoulders? There wasn’t very much space to cut there. His chest? There wasn’t very much fat there, but he could make it work. All he could do was pray they fitted him with some tight-fitting shirts that wouldn’t blow in the wind.
Sunoo was only getting more worried about their leader. He seemed to be having more bad days than good at this rate. He was more irritable with his members too, which was understandable, but still unlike him. The others didn’t think much of it, apart from a few defensive remarks back at the boy, thinking their leader’s stress was greater than they could’ve ever imagined.
The first time Jungwon cut on his chest it hurt like a bitch, and was hard to wrap properly, which was when he decided to never cut on his chest again. That’s when he started becoming irritable. He couldn’t cut and his stress was piling on one minute after the next.
After a particularly horrible day for Jungwon, Sunoo watched the boy trail into his room silently, head hung with a sort of exhaustion privy only to the boy. He hesitated in front of the leader’s door, stretching his hand out silently toward the handle. He sighed out, turning to walk back to his shared room with Niki, before flinching as his eyes widened, an idea forming in his mind. He went to all of the members’ rooms, relaying to meet him in his room.
Once they had gathered, Sunoo sat down on his bed, the others sitting in various places in their room.
“So…is anyone else worried about Jungwon like I am?” Sunoo started the conversation, seriously looking at his groupmates.
“Mm…he has been acting pretty irritable lately. He’s usually not like that, even with us.” Heeseung laid his finger on his chin, somewhat serious expression on his face.
“I think something’s going on. He goes to the bathroom a lot these days. And now he’s mostly avoiding me, so I don’t know what to do.” Sunoo grimaced, slightly curling into himself.
“Mm. Maybe…we should all have a talk with him. Individually. Tell him that he’s worrying us and talk about it with him. Maybe then he’ll tell us what’s going through his mind.” Heeseung nodded, looking toward his group members with an unsure smile on his face.
They all nodded silently, some smiling and some wearing neutral expressions on their faces.
“Cool. Do you mind if I talk to him first?” Sunoo stood up from his bed, eyes lit with a newfound determination as he turned to his members.
“Go for it.” Heeseung smirked as everyone dispersed.
💙
Just one. Just one cut.
Jungwon was itchy. Itching to feel the momentary burn before the ultimate release. The itch was like a parasite. It made his skin burn, and not in the way he desired.
He held the razor shakily in his left hand, nerves silently building as he stared at his wrist with wide eyes.
Just once.
One cut.
Stress.
Relief.
Itching.
Not itching.
One.
Two.
Ten.
Fifteen.
Twenty.
One hundred.
Cut.
Cut the stress away.
Cut until there’s no trace of you left.
The razor rips into his skin. Blood drips from Jungwon’s wrist. The boy relaxes, closing his eyes and leaning against the back of his chair. He slightly smiles, wrist falling to his side as blood drips into the floorboard.
His vision swims. He opens his eyes, looking toward his door. Everything blurs. His vision trails down to his wrist. Ah. It hurts more than usual. Maybe he nicked his vein. There is a lot more blood than usual. He hears a knock on his door. His mouth feels like its glossed with some kind of sticky venom. He closes his eyes once more. A faint voice calls his name.
💙
“Jungwon?! Jungwon?! Shit! Heeseung-hyung! Hyung, call an ambulance!” Sunoo immediately ran to the younger, panicked expression on his face as he shook Jungwon’s shoulder. He gazed at his body to check for injuries, before noticing his right wrist bleeding, blood still seeping into the floor.
“Shit! He cut his vein open! Heeseung-hyung, hurry!” Sunoo yelled, eyes immediately swelling with tears.
🩵
“Luckily, we were able to patch up the razor cut and get the blood to clot before he lost too much. To be safe, I’d like to keep you here overnight to make sure it doesn’t get infected and the blood transfusion is successful. Please, excuse me.” The doctor smiled toward the boys, holding his clipboard at his side.
Jungwon held his head, nauseous feeling brewing in the pit of his stomach as he stared at his now-bandaged arm. Well, fuck. Not only did everyone know, but he was idiotic enough to wind up in the hospital. God, could this situation get any worse?
Jungwon could feel Sunoo’s stare seeping into his soul. He silently curled into himself, ashamed grimace on his face as his eyes trailed to his lap. What could he say to soothe this situation? To comfort his members? He really was so shameful at the end of the day.
Jarring silence filled the air, each boy collapsing under the weight of the gravity of the situation.
Finally, the silence is broken with one emotional question.
“When were you thinking of telling us?”
Sunoo’s voice came out rough, sick with too much sentiment.
“I–I never thought it’d get this bad. I promise.”
Jungwon’s voice came out choked, intense as the boy started collapsing into himself.
“That’s not what I asked. When were you going to tell us?” Sunoo shook his head, eyes glued to the floor.
“P–please don’t be mad. You have to believe me, I was controlling it– I–” Jungwon cried, facing the older boy with teary eyes as he shook his head and defended himself.
“When were you going to tell us?! Why can’t you just answer that question?!” Sunoo yelled, eyes lit with a fire worthy of burning a forest down.
Jungwon’s chest stuttered silently. He stared at Sunoo tearfully, mouth trembling as he continued to stare.
Sunoo’s fists clenched in anger, the older immediately walking over to Jungwon’s hospital bed. He stood in front of the boy, mouth trembling in anger as his fists tightened. He grabbed the boy’s collar forcefully, bangs shadowed over his eyes as he pulled the boy closer to his gaze.
“Sunoo–” Jay flinched forward, going to grab Sunoo before stopping himself.
“When were you going to tell us?! When?!” He yelled once more, voice cracking and eyes swelling with tears only visible to Jungwon. “W–when…” He whispered, fists trembling as he collapsed his head into the boy’s chest. Sobs wracked his body, the older closing his eyes as he curled his body into Jungwon’s chest. Jungwon’s mouth silently trembled as he looked at the others, now sporting tears of their own. His face curled as fat tears fell from his eyes, new ones immediately flooding them. He closed them as his back arched towards Sunoo, the boy breaking down softly as his body shook and heart soothed the ache in his legs and wrist.
“I’m sorry…I’m so…sorry…” He mumbled as he breathed heavily, arms curling around Sunoo’s frame tightly as tears poured out of his eyes.
There, in each other’s arms, they cried until they both fell asleep. Each member took their turns walking and whispering sweet nothings into Jungwon’s ears, knowing that even though he might not hear them, their love for him would translate into the soft kisses and warm hugs they littered on his skin. Soon, they all fell asleep in various spots in the room.
Heeseung lifted the covers closer to Jungwon’s body, before kissing his temple softly and looking at the boy solemnly.
“We all love you. You know that, right?” He whispered, slight pout on his face.
Jungwon continued to sleep, soft smile gracing his face as Heeseung rubbed the ends of his bangs softly. Heeseung smiled, warmly, assuring himself that Jungwon did know how much they all loved him.
And despite the night ahead of them, Jungwon was sure that through it all his members would never let him fall this deeply once again.
Fin