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Kaorin wasn't really sure where she was going. She didn't think they'd gotten that far from the road, it had to be around here somewhere, but they'd been stumbling around for an hour, at least, and it was hard to know just how disoriented they'd gotten. It was hard to think properly, to be honest, when all she really knew was that she was tired, lost and somewhere in a forest in Okinawa. Oh, and there was a giant cat out there somewhere, somewhere nearby, that seemed to want to eat them.
It was also hard to think, she had to admit, when she was virtually carrying Sakaki. When Sakaki had first fallen and twisted her ankle, Kaorin had honestly hesitated a moment before helping her up, even though they were lost and there was a cat out ther that seemed to be stalking them. It wasn't that she didn't want to help, just that she thought she needed to properly appreciate the magnitude of the moment. When she finally got Sakaki back on her one foot and had the other girl hopping along, leaning on her heavily, it took a minute before Kaorin could think about anything except the way that she was touching Sakaki, and how good it felt, and how she didn't want to let go. And then how annoyed she was at herself for still having such a crush on Sakaki, because really, she'd spent the last year trying to grow up and get over this. But it seemed like she was still helpless when it came to Sakaki, like she still couldn't resist, no matter how much time intervened.
At least after the first ten minutes when Sakaki started feeling really heavy and weighing her down, it was something else to think about. But Kaorin was still very aware of how warm Sakaki was, of every breath and little sound that came out of her mouth, and it seemed that no matter how much time they spent apart or how hard she tried to get over it - or how lost in the forest and being stalked by a giant cat they were - being in love with Sakaki was just Kaorin's burden to bear.
She really should have bigger concerns, she thought, as she was helping Sakaki down a short slope. It had to be getting late in the day, they had no idea where they were, and though they had a bit of food left, it wasn't going to last forever. It's just that none of that could override the little sensation of loss she felt when Sakaki let go of her hand, or the excitement she felt when she took it up again.
She couldn't help a little sigh from escaping her mouth when they hit level ground and she draped Sakaki's arm over her shoulder again.
"Are you okay?" Sakaki asked, in that quiet voice of hers, right next to Kaorin's face. "You're not tired or hurt, are you?"
Kaorin turned to answer but got lost in Sakaki's concerned gaze for a moment before she could speak.
"I'm fine," she said, at last, and held her arm firmly around Sakaki's waist, trying to ignore the tingling warmth she felt everywhere they touched. "Let's go."
Like most of the weirder things that had happened in Kaorin's life since she started high school, this misadventure started with Tomo.
"Kaorin!" Tomo hollered down the phone line to her one weekend. "Pack your bags! We're going to Iriomote for the summer, on a quest to find the legendary giant Yamapikaryaa!"
"Huh? I thought we already found it. It even followed Sakaki back home."
"No, that was the regular Iriomote cat. Everyone knows that exists. We need to go searching for something even rarer now: the BIG cat of Iriomote! People have seen it but nobody has proof. It's like Sakaki’s cat except HUGE, and we're going to go track it down."
"Aww, that's nice," Kaorin had replied, with a giggle. "I don't know, though. I had plans for the break."
It had been a year since she'd left school, or almost, anyway, and while she'd kept in touch with the other girls, they hadn't seen an awful lot of each other. Kaorin had moved away, going to a college in a different city, and throwing herself into the life there. Making new friends. Eventually owning up to the realisation that her old crush on Sakaki wasn't just an admiration thing, maybe it never had been, and she really was into women. In general.
And she had things to do over the summer, like going on camp with some of her new, gay friends from college, and getting over a woman who never really noticed her. So no, she wasn't going to go with Tomo on some ridiculous trip to Iriomote. She had a new life to work on.
And then Tomo said "You have to come. Sakaki's going to be there."
Kaorin made an undignified squeak, and then swallowed. "Well, that's nice. But I really don't need to..."
"Aw, man, are you still in denial about the whole gay thing? Cause we never cared about that, Kaorin-chan!"
"I'm not in denial!" Kaorin could feel herself blushing, although she knew Tomo couldn't see that. "I'm... okay, yes, I might have been in the past, but I'm... I'm not any more, I met a lot of people at the university who really helped me to, uh... they were very supportive, and so, you know, I'm trying to..." she swallowed, and realised her hands were shaking, and strangely enough, she'd never told this to anyone except the girls at college. "I'm trying to be honest about who I am, and about being a lesbian, even if... if not everyone is going to support me."
There was a pause at the other end of the line, and for a horrible moment, Kaorin thought that maybe, despite everything Tomo had just said, she wasn't going to be so accepting after all.
And then suddenly Tomo said "Well you don't have to worry about any of that from us, it's not like you weren't totally obvious about it at school, anyway."
Kaorin snorted, but she was grinning, too. "Thanks, Tomo. I think."
"Yeah, I mean, I don't really get what the big deal is? But it sucks that it's something you have to be scared of, and I'm glad you're feeling all better about Anyway, I'd just be a hypocrit since Osaka and I started fucking around, like, the second we got to college."
Kaorin had to fight the urge to just bang her head against a wall. Well of course while she went off on a huge struggle to accept who she was, Tomo and Osaka had just gotten together like it was no big deal.
If her "Congratulations," was a little sarcastic, Tomo didn't seem to notice. She just cheerfully said "Thanks! So, get your ass over to Iriomote and tell Sakaki how you feel."
"What?"
"Oh yeah, Sakaki's coming, didn't I mention? You know what she's like about cats, and especially the Iriomote cats! Of course she's coming!"
"I don't care." Kaorin frowned. "I have things to do."
"Awww, come on, Kaorin, we all know you want to get into Sakaki's pants."
"I'm... hey, shut up, I'm trying to get over that. I'm moving on. I've got better things to do with my life than keep mooning over someone who isn't interested in me."
"Not interested? So you have asked her out?"
Kaorin bit back the urge to growl into her phone. "I told you, I'm moving on."
"Seriously, you never even asked? Come on, Kaorin, this is your chance to do it! And don't give me that moving on crap again, as if you don't still sleep with that photo of the two of you under your pillow."
"Tomo..."
"Don't be a coward and give up without even trying! Besides, if you don't come, then Sakaki might have to sleep in a tent with me, and that'd be a total drag. Cause like, I can't get it on with my girl if Sakaki's around, and besides which Sakaki's such a crazy sleeper, you know? Oh wait, that's right, you don't. Well she thrashes around and totally clings to people, it's sooooo -"
Kaorin rolled her eyes and just hung up. That was... well, pretty good as far as coming out went, and pretty annoying as far as conversations went, which was about what she'd come to expect from Tomo. But all of that was progress! She was moving on with her life, not worrying about Sakaki, and making smart, sensible decisions. She was above Tomo's goading, and she was definitely above any kind of petty schoolgirl jealousy about who got to share Sakaki's tent.
Then she caught sight of the photo of her and Sakaki, stuck on the back of her bedroom wall, and wondered how sensible it was to just decide that Sakaki wasn't interested in her when she'd never even asked.
"Fine," she said, when Tomo picked up, not even giving her a chance to start teasing. "I'm coming. Because I haven't seen any of you for ages, and I like cats, okay."
"Sure you like cats!" Tomo said, cheerfully. "If by that you mean you like Sakaki's -"
Kaorin hung up on her again and this time, she didn't feel the least bit bad about it.
Their hike into the Iriomote mountains had started so well – a nice morning walk with Osaka, Tomo, Chiyo and Yomi, then splitting up to go have their own little adventures, or 'cover more ground in search of the big cat', as Tomo said. Kaorin hadn’t expected that – she thought Tomo would stick to them like glue, given she'd spent practically the whole trip amusing herself by watching Kaorin and Sakaki. But Kaorin wasn’t going to complain about getting a whole afternoon with Sakaki to herself.
What's more, they even found the cat. Kaorin hadn't honestly believed that the giant Iriomote cat even existed - it seemed like the sort of thing that Tomo would make up just to convince them all to have a holiday, and hardly anyone seemed to be convinced that it was really real. But after they'd had their lunch, Sakaki had gone to climb a tree to try to get them some fruit for dessert (while Kaorin stayed on the ground and tried to convince herself not to feel touched or romantic about either Sakaki's daring physical feat or the fact that she was doing it for Kaorin) and she was halfway up the tree when she froze, completely still, and didn't move another inch.
"Kaorin," she said, at last, so quietly that Kaorin barely heard her.
"Yes? Do you need help?"
"Just... just look," Sakaki said, her voice sounding strained. She was slowly backing down from the tree, but she didn't shift her eyes. Kaorin followed the line of her eyesight, trying to see what it was that Sakaki was seeing, but all she could see was a jumble of branches, leaves and sky in the background. Then, suddenly, something shifted. Where a moment ago Kaorin could only see foliage, suddenly she saw a different kind of light and shade, the varied hues of a broad, furry hide under the leaves. And when Sakaki slid a little way down the tree, it shifted again, and Kaorin found herself staring into the huge golden eyes of a large, tree-climbing cat.
"Is that what I think it is?" Sakaki asked. "Do you see it?"
Sakaki had paused, one of her feet hovering in the air where it had been searching for a foothold against the tree trunk. The cat seemed to be in the tree next to her, not in the one she had been climbing, but it was still far too close to Sakaki for Kaorin's comfort.
"Yes, it's the cat! The giant Iriomote cat!" Kaorin whispered. "But Sakaki, please hurry! It could be dangerous!"
Sakaki didn't move, though, her gaze still locked on the big cat. Normally Kaorin would love to see her like this. Sakaki was such an enigma much of the time, so caught up in her head, but when she got so lost in the face of something she loved, especially a cat, she stopped being so aloof and Kaorin could see what a deeply caring person she really was.
But usually the cat wasn't a wild animal heavier than both of them put together.
"It could be friendly," Sakaki said, stubbornly, staring back at the cat. "It... remember Yamamaya? It could be him. He always knew me, he really did."
"I don't think Yamamaya would ever have gotten this big, Sakaki-san," said Kaorin, urgently. "Now please, won't you come down?"
There was a great rustling of leaves, louder than it should have been, and both of them froze again. The cat had moved further along its own branch, shoving aside the leaves that separated it from Sakaki, and its great eyes were fixed firmly on her. Now it was only a few metres away; it would only take a short leap for it to reach Sakaki, hardly a great exertion for a cat.
"Please," Kaorin repeated, desperately, in a hushed whisper.
At last, Sakaki set her right foot firmly against the tree trunk. But instead of making her way down, she reached out an arm towards the cat, as if inviting it to come further.
For one long moment that felt like it was suspended in time, it seemed as though the cat really would turn out to be friendly. But then it growled, a deep, threatening noise that seemed to reverberate through the air and shake right through Kaorin's body. Sakaki didn't need to be told again - she pulled her hand back as though she'd been burned and blindly scrabbled for a foothold as she made her way down the tree. She dropped to the ground just as the cat took a leap to the branch that Sakaki had been trying to climb to a few moments ago.
Kaorin didn't waste time tidying up their picnic, just grabbed both their backpacks and got ready to run, fully aware that the cat was right above them the whole time.
"Come on," she said, shoving Sakaki's backpack at her and tugging at her arm. "Let's get out of here!"
Sakaki was overtaking Kaorin in a matter of moments, dragging her through the forest, in a mad blur. Kaorin quickly lost sight of where they were, where the cat was, or where they were heading. All she could to was hold on to Sakaki's hand as she dragged her through the trees, listening to her own gasping breathing as their flight wore on. Occasionally she would think she heard the sound of a growl or a flash of dappled fur through the trees, but it never seemed to last. Perhaps it was her desperate, exhausted imagination, because she couldn't imagine that Sakaki could really outrun a big cat, no matter how fast she was, especially with Kaorin in tow.
"Sakaki," she gasped, at last. "We need to stop."
"We can't," Sakaki said, with a frown, but she stopped anyway, and let Kaorin bend over and catch her breath. After a few moments, Sakaki sank slowly to the ground, too, leaning back against a tree trunk. As Kaorin watched, all the fight seemed to go out of her, and she went from fierceness and determination to simply looking tired.
"I think we've lost him," Kaorin said, after a few minutes.
"Yes," said Sakaki, her voice dull.
Kaorin looked at her, curiously. "Are you okay?"
"I didn't think." Sakaki looked around. "I should have been more careful. I don't know where we are now."
Kaorin looked around, too. She'd been aware that they were leaving the track, but she hadn't realised how far they'd really been. "It's okay, Sakaki-san. We'll find our way back."
"I should have stopped," Sakaki shook her head. " I wasn't thinking. I just couldn't."
"It'll be okay," Kaorin said, not entirely sure that it would be. "I can understand it. That cat was pretty scary, so it's okay that you were frightened."
Sakaki shook her head, but didn't say any more for a moment. "I wasn't afraid of him."
"Then why?"
"Because you were there." Sakaki's face barely changed, but her dark eyes were looking at Kaorin so intensely that Kaorin could already feel herself starting to blush. "You're so... small. I was afraid that he would..."
Kaorin waited, trying to stop her imagination from filling in the blanks, to ignore the feeling of the hairs sticking up at the back of her neck as she thought Sakaki wanted to protect me. It was too exciting, too much like what she so desperately wanted - and far too much to be thinking about on a day when she was supposed to be having a friendly walk and they ended up stuck in the woods.
"Do you think it really was the Yamapikaryaa?" Kaorin asked, trying to change the subject.
"It must be. He was beautiful," she said, wistfully. "I wish he had been more friendly..."
But at least we got to see him."
"Yes," Sakaki smiled, and gingerly hugged her knees to her chest. "Yes, we did."
"Tomo will be so jealous!"
"If we can find her," she sighed. "I'll look around and see if I can remember the way back."
She started to get to her feet, but her right foot buckled underneath her and she crashed back to the ground again.
"Sakaki!" Kaorin rushed to her side. "What happened?"
"It hurts," Sakaki said, frowning at her leg. She tried to get up again, holding on to Kaorin, but she couldn't put any weight on her right foot at all.
"You must have hurt it running, or getting out of the tree," Kaorin said, and bit her lip. It was the middle of the afternoon, now, and they should be heading back to meet up with the others. But now they were lost in the forest, not really sure which way the road was, and Sakaki had hurt her ankle too badly to stand on it. And there could be a cat out there somewhere, still stalking them.
"What do we do now?"
"I don't know," said Sakaki, softly, looking at the ground. That whole afternoon, when she was climbing the tree or facing down the cat, or when they were running through the forest, Sakaki had never looked scared. But she looked scared now, as she contemplated how far they could be from help and how lost they were.
Well then, that must just mean it was Kaorin's turn to be brave.
"Come on," she said, and pulled Sakaki properly upright, so she was leaning on Kaorin enough to walk. "We're going to find our way home."
It had just started raining when they came across the clearing. Kaorin wasn't sure whether the sky had gotten dark because it was night time or because of the weather, but she didn't care. She had hoped, when she saw the space through the trees, that they were near the highway. When they got to the edge of the clearing, though, she saw something that, right now, was even more appealing than the road - a small, squat stone hut.
"Shelter!" she said, excitedly. "Come on, Sakaki, let's get over there and get out of the rain."
It was still slow going as they hobbled across the grass together, with water squelching around their feet, but they were getting there. Just another hundred metres, Kaorin told herself, and they'd be safe and warm inside. Ninety. Eighty. Seventy. They were barely fifty metres away when Kaorin realised that Sakaki was saying something, something that she could barely hear over the sound of the storm.
"The cat," she finally made out in the noise. "It's the cat."
And then she saw it, creeping out from the forest on the other side of the clearing. The Yamapikaryaa was back, staring straight at them and sulking low to the ground, like it was stalking them. It was stalking them, Kaorin realised, with a fright.
"Keep your eyes on him," she whispered to Sakaki, as she tried to slog further towards the hut without losing her cool.
"You should leave me," Sakaki replied.
"What? No!" she hissed back, trying to watch the door of the hut and the big cat at the same time. He was creeping forward, but so slowly, much more slowly than them. If they could just get a little bit closer. "I'm not leaving you here."
"I want you to be safe," Sakaki said, fiercely.
"Oh yeah? And what about you? I know you love cats, Sakaki, but you know they don't always love you, and you can't honestly tell me you think you can fight one."
Sakaki fell silent, and they squelched a few more steps, but then the cat bounded towards them across the grass, covering twenty metres in just a couple of seconds. They both froze for a second, staring at him. All Kaorin could hear was the rain drumming on their heads and backs.
"I just want you to be safe," said Sakaki, at last. At any other moment, Kaorin would have been touched. More than touched, she would have been ecstatic, overwhelmed. But for some reason, right now the last thing she wanted to hear was Sakaki saying "Leave me. Get inside. I don't want to see you get hurt."
"I would rather die than leave you," Kaorin snapped and glared at her. Sakaki stared back, surprised, and despite being lost and wet and stalked by a giant cat, Kaorin had never wanted to kiss her as badly as she did right then.
Only then they both remembered that not only were they being stalked by a giant cat, but neither of them were keeping an eye on it right then.
"Run!" Sakaki shouted in Kaorin's ear. And Kaorin did, but she wasn't leaving Sakaki for anything. This time she was the one dragging Sakaki along behind her. She knew the cat must have been coming, but she didn't look back. For a few long moments, her whole world narrowed down to the weight of Sakaki's body and the sight of the hut's wooden door. She was running on automatic when she wrenched it open, shoved Sakaki inside and slammed the door shut behind them.
Sakaki was sprawled on the floor, but Kaorin stayed pressed to the door for a few moments even after she'd bolted it. She could hear the cat's footfall over the rain as it paced back and forth, but after batting at the door a few times it seemed to give up.
"Okay," Kaorin said to herself, and finally took a look around. The hut was a single room, without much there to make it comfortable, but there was a fireplace with a decent pile of wood to burn, and a cupboard where Kaorin found a thin, rolled-up futon and blanket. She made a half-hearted effort at starting a fire - it just sort of smouldered a bit, really, but it was bright and warm and cheered the place up a bit - and dragged the bedding out of the cupboard and sort of kicked it into shape.
It wasn't night time yet, but suddenly she was very tired. She'd only sat down on the futon to see how comfortable it was, but despite it not being very comfortable at all, she found she didn't want to get up. She was so tired, in fact, that she barely even jumped when she saw Sakaki with her face pressed up against the front window, and the cat with its nose pressed to the other side.
"Hey, Sakaki," she said, and her voice sounded scratchy. "I'm going to sleep."
Sakaki looked away from the cat once to blink at her. "Okay."
It was okay, Kaorin thought, as she pulled the thin blanket around her, for comfort more than for warmth. She didn't mind if Sakaki was more interested in the Yamapikaryaa than in her. All she wanted right now was a bit of sleep. She had almost dropped off to sleep completely when Sakaki climbed into bed beside her, and then suddenly she was very, very awake.
This is fine, she told herself, listening to Sakaki breathing slowly beside her. I'm a mature person who has come to terms with my feelings for Sakaki and my attraction to women. I have self control. I have more important things to think about, like survival and how we're going to get back home. I'm just going to lie here and go to sleep and not think anything untoward about Sakaki-san.
The funny thing was, it worked. She could hear Sakaki next to her, breathing slowly, and feel some of the warmth from her body through the bed. But it was nice, that was all, not something that was going to make waiting out the storm frustrating or unbearable for her. In fact, as she listened to the rain on the roof and the wind howling outside, something about the situation seemed undeniably cozy. Sooner than she thought, Kaorin found herself drifting off to sleep.
Until Sakaki rolled over in bed, threw her arm and her uninjured leg around Kaorin and hugged her close. Kaorin froze, her whole body on alert. That was Sakaki's arm around her chest, Sakaki's leg twined around hers, and Sakaki's mouth breathing against her hair, just above her ear. Kaorin had never felt more awake in her life.
Maybe I do still have feelings. But I accept that those feelings are normal and not in any way something to be ashamed of. This is perfectly normal.
Reminding herself that it was okay that she wanted Sakaki didn't make the situation any less frustrating, but it helped. As the minutes ticked by, Kaorin figured that if she was going to be stuck here - and what a terrible predicament, having to lie in a bed in the cold and get spooned by Sakaki - then she may as well enjoy every moment of it that she got.
When Kaorin finally woke, the storm had died down and it was well and truly night time. Even though she could see a little more around the room, now, it was obviously the sharp, cold light of the moon rather than anything like sunlight.
It took her a moment to remember where she was, and another moment to wonder where Sakaki had gone to. When she sat up, though, she found that Sakaki hadn't gone far at all, merely shuffled herself out the door to see what had happened to the world outside while they slept.
She fumbled for her shoes in the dark and stepped outside, intending to just take a look to see whether Sakaki was about. Instead, she stopped short as soon as she got out there, gazing straight up at the night sky and the breathtaking spread of the stars. She could have stood there for hours just tracing the familiar lines and bright points, some she hadn't seen since their last trip to Okinawa, and some she'd never seen at all except on star maps. She forgot that she'd been looking for Sakaki until she said, "What do you see?"
Kaorin jumped and looked down, and it took a moment for her eyes to adjust from seeking out points of light to looking for another human being in the dark. Then she could just make out Sakaki, sitting on one of the narrow wooden stools, perhaps nothing more than a sawn-off tree stump, leaning back against the wall of the hut.
"Isn't it wet?" Kaorin asked, at last.
"It's not bad," she said, quietly. "Come and sit with me."
Kaorin sat down gingerly next to her; the wooden seats were hard and uneven, but at least they were dry. Sakaki seemed comfortable despite the inhospitable lodging, in that way that Sakaki always was. Her injured leg was stuck out in front of her, but she seemed to balance gracefully on her perch no matter what, and in a way, despite the miserable situation, she seemed perfectly content.
"So what do you see?" Sakaki asked, again, and Kaorin dragged her gaze away from staring at her companion in the dark and back again to the always familiar stars.
"I see... there are so many things, I don't know where to start," she said. "There's Scorpius, Sasori," she said, pointing, though she didn't know how well one could ever point at a star, whether Sakaki could follow her at all. "Down south, with the curve. And, um, next to it there's Sagittarius, the, um... the archer, I think."
"Archer?"
"You don’t see it? They don't always look like the things they're meant to be, I think. Maybe it's like clouds, you know? How people see different things in them, depending on... well, what they think about, I guess?"
She could sense Sakaki staring at her, even in the dark. "Oh."
"Oh?"
There was a long pause. And then, "Tell me more."
"Um..." Kaorin scanned the sky again, looking for something else easy and recognisable to point out. "Oh, I know, you'll like this one. There's Iruka, the dolphin. Those four stars all together in a diamond, like the body, and then the tail behind him."
"Iruka," Sakaki repeated, slowly, staring at it. Her hand stretched above her, almost on its own, reaching out towards the cluster of stars in the sky. Then she dropped her arm again and sighed. "I wish I'd joined the Astronomy Club."
"Why didn't you? I... we would have loved to have you!"
Sakaki paused again, for even longer this time. "I was..."
"What?"
She replied in a voice almost too soft to hear. "Afraid."
Kaorin stared at her, this girl who she'd worshipped all through her high school years and beyond, much as it sometimes embarrassed her to admit it. "Sakaki, how could you say that? What's to be afraid of in the astronomy club? We were just a bunch of kids who liked looking at stars. It's not like we were... I mean, we had nothing on you."
"Me?" Sakaki looked back at her, puzzled.
"Yes, you! You were this great running star, and I was... I mean... we were... I was afraid of you," she said, at last.
"You were afraid of me," Sakaki repeated, after a moment, and then looked away, up at the stars.
Kaorin looked away too, falling silent just as Sakaki had, but the words kept whirring around in her head. They didn't sound right. Yes, she had been afraid of Sakaki, but that... that wasn't really it. That's what she'd been trying to figure out all year. What was really scary and what wasn't. And the truth, she knew now, was that Kaorin had been afraid of herself. She'd been afraid of the way she felt about Sakaki back when they were at school. She'd been afraid of who she was.
She smiled as they looked up at the stars together, just enjoying a moment that her high school self would have been ecstatic about. And she would have kept that little moment of truth to herself, except that she looked over at Sakaki and she looked... she always looked quiet, but somehow more than usual. And she looked so, so sad.
"Hey." Kaorin reached out and touched her hand, and Sakaki blinked back at her. "Is something wrong, Sakaki-san?"
Sakaki dropped her head, looking out into the darkness of the forest now instead of the sky. "I never wanted to be scary. "
There was Kaorin's happy moment gone. Kaorin swallowed. She ached. She had to make this better. For once, though, before she could say anything, Sakaki spoke up again.
"I always loved cats. I wanted a cat so much. I wanted all the cats in the neighbourhood to like me, too, but they always bit me instead. Maybe they were afraid of me, too. But I never meant to be scary. I don't know why I am." She pulled her hand away from Kaorin's and hugged her one good knee to her chest. "I wish I could stop it, but I don't even know why I..."
"Shhh," Kaorin cut her off, as gently as she could. "Sakaki, you're not scary."
Sakaki looked back at her, confused. "But you just said I was."
"Well, firstly, that was in high school, when I was nervous and kind of silly," Kaorin said. "But secondly, I didn't say you were scary. I said I was afraid of you. They're different things."
"I don't understand," Sakaki whispered.
She just looked lost, and scared, and when she looked at Kaorin from under her heavy, long hair, like Kaorin spent so many years wishing she would, Kaorin couldn't find the words to explain. When she reached over to tuck Sakaki's hair behind her ear it was like watching someone else move. She couldn't fathom that it was her hand touching Sakaki, not somebody else's, that she could be bold enough to touch her, to let her hand linger there, to let her fingers rest at Sakaki's neck without even trembling. She couldn't believe that she could cup Sakaki's cheek like this and that Sakaki wasn't flinching away or telling her to stop. Just watching her, with one of her typically unreadable expressions, and waiting to see what Kaorin did next.
When Kaorin kissed her, though, it didn't feel like watching someone else at all. It felt like finally doing what she was meant to. It wasn't exactly like what she'd always imagined - somehow in her head she always pictured Sakaki being more confident and knowledgeable than her. She used to imagine Sakaki being the one to make the first move. It wasn't what she always expected, being the one to move first, the soft, surprised noise that Sakaki made into her mouth, or Sakaki's hand uncertainly hovering at her shoulders, awkwardly patting and grabbing at her, slowly getting more confident as they went on, though. This was better.
The thought of doing this used to fill Kaorin with dread, and the imagined rejection seemed too unbearable to contemplate. When she broke off the kiss and pulled back a little, though, her hand still at the back of Sakaki's neck, she didn't feel too afraid. She felt elated. She saw Sakaki now looking puzzled and vulnerable, and she didn't care what happened next, she just wanted to make Sakaki feel okay.
"See what I mean?" Kaorin asked, with a crooked smile. After a long moment, Sakaki gave her a tiny smile in return. She reached out towards Kaorin's hair, hesitated, and after a moment, stroked her fingers tentatively through it. It seemed as though time slowed down as Sakaki leaned forward and kissed her tentatively back.
Kaorin was afraid for a split-second when Sakaki pulled back again after what seemed like only a moment, but then she said "I want to go to sleep now," and Kaorin remembered that yeah, actually, it was pretty late. She helped Sakaki shuffle back into the shack and lie down on the futon again. Sakaki was actually kind of shy, for once, hesitant to touch Kaorin and sticking firmly to her side of the bed instead of sprawling all over everywhere, until Kaorin rolled over and clung to her. She fell asleep listening to Sakaki breathe again, but this time she felt alive in a completely different way, feeling brave instead of nervous. For all the time she'd spent assuring herself that being gay is normal and okay and everything, this was the first time she really felt it, all the way down to her toes.
The next time Kaorin woke up, the fire had died down, the sun was shining, and Tomo was smirking at them through the front window.
"There's always something to ruin a good morning," Kaorin muttered under her breath, and got up to unbolt the door. For a moment she just stared at the old woman who was standing on the doorstep, but then she sighed and stepped aside to let her in. It wasn't the strangest thing that had happened on this trip.
"I'm glad you found this place to take shelter," the woman said, kindly. "That storm was dreadful, wasn't it?"
"Looks like they survived!" Tomo yelled, as she stomped in too.
Sakaki stirred, sat up and glared at the noise. Then her face brightened as she realised who it was. "You found us."
"Sure did. Or at least, Gran here found you," Tomo grinned. "No idea how. Just hope we didn't interrupt anything. Looks like you had a very cozy little sleepover here."
"Well, aside from the rain and Sakaki hurting her ankle," Kaorin said, sweetly. "But yes, we did have a rather nice night."
Tomo just blinked at her, a little puzzled, but the old woman was nodding. "Yes, I thought one of you might be injured. Good think I brought my cart. Come on now."
It was surprisingly quick work to pick up their things and lift Sakaki into the back of the little horse-drawn cart, though Kaorin was kicking herself when she realised that there was a track that led almost right up to the building. She also wanted to kick Tomo every time she made a sly remark about what a nice night they must have had in spite of everything, but Sakaki let it all slide and Tomo just followed her lead. By the time they set off, Tomo had gotten bored of trying to embarrass Kaorin and was regaling the immobile Sakaki with tall tales of her own hiking adventures.
"Hey," Kaorin said, to the old woman, while Tomo was distracted. "We're very grateful for you coming to find us, but how on earth did you do it?"
"I know this forest well," she said, simply. "The hut seemed like a good place to start looking."
"But you knew Sakaki was hurt," she pressed on. How did you know to bring a cart to come and pick her up?"
The woman shrugged. "Intuition, I suppose." She paused. "I might have had a hint from a friend."
"Oh." Kaorin thought for a moment. "But who..."
"He's a bit hard to find. Keeps to himself. Big fellow. Quite hairy."
Kaorin looked at her, surprised, and then smiled. "I think I might have seen him in passing. He's a bit, um, scary."
All their rescuer had to say on the topic was "Hmm." Then a sly smile of her own slowly spread across her face. "You and your friend did seem very comfortable in my little cottage. In spite of the weather and the stone floor."
"Oh. Yes." Kaorin was blushing again now, she knew it. "It... wasn't the best way to pass the night, but we, um... I'm glad, I guess. It was... nice."
"I'm glad you had a good time," she said, amused, and patted Kaorin's leg. "Look after her. I don't think you'll regret it."
"I don't regret anything," Kaorin said, and was surprised to find it was true. Maybe she hadn't done exactly what she set out to do. She hadn't gotten over Sakaki and now she was probably destined not to. But she'd been honest, that was something to be proud of. She'd been true to herself, and not been ashamed to do what she wanted, and in return she got the best thing she'd ever hoped for.
"Well, good for you," the woman said, with a smile. "That's the way to live. Don't regret anything. And make sure everyone knows it, too."
Kaorin sat there with her for a few more companionable minutes before she climbed into the back of the cart with her friends. Instead of sitting on the bench next to Tomo, though, she lowered herself into the nest of blankets they'd built for Sakaki and snuggled up against her, seeking out Sakaki's hand until she could twine their fingers together. She realised Tomo had stopped talking, but she did her best not to smirk as she planted a quick kiss on Sakaki's cheek and then looked back up at her.
"Sorry, Tomo, what were you saying?"
Tomo gaped at her for a long moment, blinking furiously, before she finally shook herself and plastered the grin back on her face. "I was just saying how great it will be when we get back to Osaka and Chiyo and Yomi and tell them what an adventure we had! If only we'd seen the Yamapikaryaa while we were out here, it would make our story of adventure and victory against the odds even better! Hey, do you think we could tell them that we did see the big cat?"
Kaorin fitted her chin to Sakaki's shoulder, and Sakaki turned her head to look at her, grazing their noses together for a moment. They just lay there for a moment, smiling at each other, before Sakaki cleared her throat.
"Yes," she said, in her quiet voice, and pulled Kaorin just a little closer to her. "We can tell them that."