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Kaveh doesn’t quite understand why it started; why Alhaitham started looking at him like that.
His relationship with Alhaitham has been… complicated, ever since the two of them reunited; that fated night in Lambad’s where Kaveh poured his heart out to the man next to him, tears falling down his cheeks as he finally let all the agony he’d been feeling for months, years on end leave him in the form of wet sobs and drunken rambling. Alhaitham listened attentively, not once interrupting him while he spoke, and Kaveh didn’t look up for a moment for fear of the way he might be looking at him.
Alhaitham’s voice had been soft when he finally said something. Offered him a room at his house–his room–the place that was once meant for the two of them to share. It startled Kaveh out of crying, and it was only then that he finally managed to look at Alhaitham, nothing short of confused out of his mind.
There was no hatred in Alhaitham’s gaze. No pity. He looked… normal. Neutral, even, as though whatever choice Kaveh made would not affect him in the slightest. It made him wary, unsure if this was some sort of ploy against him, but he did eventually accept the offer after a few minutes of contemplating to himself if it was even worth it.
It was supposed to be temporary. But was it really? Kaveh was starting to believe that it was never the intention in the first place. It was like they were drawn to each other, moths to flames. Mirrors, lost without one another, unable to function.
People would always say that about them back when they were in the Akademiya. They were glued to each other by the hip, always at each other's side, only to be ripped apart forcefully by that one tragic day.
Everything was tense between them. And yet, recently, it’s felt… different. Not necessarily in a bad way, but it was sending Kaveh for a loop, and he truly couldn’t understand what was going on with the man that he lived with; the man he once called his best friend.
Perhaps it was the day that Kaveh declared that he was going to win the Interdarshan Championship and finally move out of Alhaitham’s house that something changed. Maybe it was changing before that, but that’s only when it became noticeable; when Alhaitham started acting differently, a lot quieter than he usually is.
Skittish, almost. Like he was trying to avoid something. Always hiding his work, anything that he was reading. But as much as Kaveh wanted to know what was going on with him, he would never utter a word, not even if he asked. It was honestly starting to freak Kaveh out a little. Just what could Alhaitham be researching that caused him to act like this? He thought he would have been ecstatic that Kaveh was finally going to be out of his hair, and yet…
If Kaveh didn’t know any better, he would have thought that Alhaitham seemed sad. But that was an absurd thought, wasn’t it?
Right?
Now that the Interdarshan Championship had subsided, Kaveh really couldn’t be sure. He couldn’t tell if he was imagining things when he saw Alhaitham let out a long, seemingly relieved breath the moment Kaveh declared that he didn’t want the riches for himself. He thought he was going crazy when he heard that all of Alhaitham’s research was dedicated to finding out what happened to his father. And, Archons, the way Alhaitham kept staring at him was so unnerving; Kaveh couldn’t tell if the man was trying to pick him apart with that gaze, or if he was hallucinating the way it almost seemed soft.
“Why?” Kaveh barely recalls asking. It was spoken quietly from the comfort of his bed, when Alhaitham had brought him water, making sure that he stayed hydrated after the stunt he pulled in the Interdarshan Championship. “Why did you do that for me?”
The response he got was given with that gaze; the one that he couldn’t discern the meaning of. It was spoken equally quiet, with a featherlight touch against his face–a touch that only served to confuse Kaveh even further–fingers grazing against his jaw.
“Because it’s you,” Alhaitham had said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He said nothing else, and Kaveh couldn’t bring himself to request an elaboration, as he was so exhausted and achey that all he wanted to do was sleep.
And sleep he did. He slept better than he had in months, with Alhaitham sitting at his side to make sure that he was okay.
Ever since then, Kaveh has been noticing it more. The way Alhaitham stares at him like that. He doesn’t know what that gaze means, but at the same time, he’s too afraid to ask. Too afraid to question what it might mean. For him, for them.
Kaveh had gone to Tighnari with his questions. Made a trip all the way to Gandharva Ville just to see him; to question if he might have any idea what was going on. If perhaps Alhaitham was ill, and he should go and see a doctor, or if this was something that would pass on his own.
Tighnari looked at him with something akin to pity. He didn’t provide any sort of clear answer on the matter. The best response he got was a quiet shake of the head, a sigh accompanying it as Tighnari turned his attention to what he had been working on before; some sort of schedule for Collei and her trainee forest ranger duties.
“Patience is a virtue, Kaveh,” Tighnari said, and Kaveh really wishes he understood what he meant just a little bit better. Was he supposed to just wait it out? Did Tighnari mean that whatever was going on with Alhaitham would pass eventually? “If you’re really so curious, then talk to Alhaitham, not me. I can’t give you the answer that you want.”
Kaveh really, really wishes that he could have. But, inevitably, Tighnari was probably right.
Even so, Kaveh could never work up the courage to ask Alhaitham. That fear was still there, lingering, worrying that asking it was something forbidden; that it might ruin what had slowly been repaired of their relationship, the friendship he cherished so much. That he would scare Alhaitham away, and end up back at square one, leaving him feeling like an outcast in the place that he would like to call his home.
Kaveh does not ask when Alhaitham’s touch lingers on his back as he leans over him at his desk in their shared study, peering at the sketch he’s working on for a client.
Kaveh does not ask when Alhaitham brings him coffee in the evening, even if he hates it when Kaveh is up at obscene hours of the night working on one of his projects.
Kaveh does not ask if Alhaitham ends up sitting closer to him on the divan than he usually does, sitting in comfortable silence with him, or chatting about mundane things that happened during the day.
Kaveh does not ask why Alhaitham continues to bring him home from Lambad’s when he’s had too much to drink, slung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. It should be an inconvenience, and yet he continues doing it, going as far as to help Kaveh get ready for bed, knowing that he isn’t capable of doing it himself.
Alhaitham even stays with him until the morning on nights like that. Lays on the opposite side of the bed. Kaveh always wakes up feeling more comfortable than ever, despite the hangover threatening to send him to an early grave at any minute.
Yet, still, no matter what, Kaveh doesn’t ask.
It takes several months for Kaveh to work up any sort of courage on the matter. It’s supposed to be a quiet night where he can work on his project uninterrupted. But his thoughts are reeling, sending him into a hole that he can’t escape; it’s a bad night. Everything he draws makes him feel like a failure. Every time he restarts, there’s too many mistakes. It feels like he somehow forgot how to draw within the span of a day.
A frustrated noise escapes Kaveh, and he leans forward on his elbows, hands finding their way into his hair and gripping the strands so hard that it hurts. He feels like he’s going crazy. There are tears pricking at the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill at any moment, and Kaveh isn’t sure that he has the will to stop them at this point; it’s much more tempting to let them fall. He’s shaking, mind racing a mile a minute, telling him that he needs to make it perfect, to fix these stupid mistakes, to get it together and stop being so stupid–
Kaveh’s thoughts are interrupted by the feeling of hands encasing his own, gently prying his fingers out of his hair. He jumps, startled, and he whips his gaze around, only to be met with those familiar teal eyes staring back at him, his mouth turned in a frown.
Oh. Alhaitham. Right. Why was he in here, though? Was Kaveh being too loud? Did he wake him up? Archons, he would have to apologize to him again. He must’ve screwed up. He must’ve made Alhaitham upset. That’s why he’s here. He’s going to say–
“Take a break, Kaveh,” Alhaitham speaks, and Kaveh has to blink through his tears to see the expression on the man’s face again. The same frown, but it seems more worried– wait, when did Kaveh start crying in the first place? “You’re not going to be able to get that done in this state. Come on. Let’s go to bed before you end up ripping your hair out.”
Only then does Kaveh register the complete and utter exhaustion coursing through his body. His arms are aching, and he’s still trembling all over, the only noise escaping him being a hiccup from his tears. He doesn’t even have the energy to argue with Alhaitham on it–this project was due so soon, he didn’t have a lot of time, things that he usually would have said–and he stands up on shaky legs, allowing Alhaitham to lead him to his bedroom.
Kaveh gets sat on the edge of his bed while Alhaitham shuffles through his dresser to find him something more comfortable to sleep in. All he can do is watch the man, staring at that same frown on his face, wondering that same question that he has been for months. Why? Why was Alhaitham doing this? Why would he take the time out of his day to help Kaveh so late at night? He should be resting; it’s a work night. There’s no reason for him to be up this late in the first place.
And so, he finally asks.
“Why?” Kaveh questions, his voice coming out rather quiet and pathetic. It’s choked because of his tears; ones that he can’t stop no matter how hard he tries. It makes him feel just a little worse. “Why are you doing this? Why do you always find the time to help me?”
Alhaitham pauses in his movements, and Kaveh wonders if he’s screwed up. If he’s finally done it; broken the dam, ruined everything that they’ve worked so hard to repair. He’s trembling even harder as he watches the man turn to stare at him, and he can’t tell if Alhaitham is surprised, confused… There’s too many tears in his eyes for him to really tell.
He’s quiet for a few long, torturous moments. Kaveh’s brain is racing again, oh Gods, he ruined it, he screwed up, Alhaitham is going to never want to talk to him again–
“Because it’s you,” Alhaitham says, finally. Kaveh can only stare at him dumbly, fingers clenching into the fabric of his pants as he tries to understand why he would say something like that; why Alhaitham wouldn’t mind doing things like this for him of all people. “I told you that before, didn’t I? Or have you forgotten?”
“I didn’t forget,” Kaveh says, confusion laced in his voice. “But I just– I don’t understand. Why? Why me, Alhaitham? After all this time, I… I hurt you. I said such awful things to you. Why do you continue? By all means, shouldn’t you hate me? I thought– for the longest time, I’ve thought that… that you don’t really want me around. So why?”
Alhaitham only looks more confused. His frown deepens, and he seems to decide that the clothes can wait as he steps over to the bed, slowly taking a seat beside Kaveh as though he would scare him away with the slightest movement. Kaveh can only watch, sniffling, fat tears rolling down his cheeks all the while.
“Kaveh,” Alhaitham starts, and his voice is so soft, so caring that Kaveh feels like he’s going to cry even harder. He feels like he definitely screwed up. He tries to hold it back, not wanting to miss whatever it is that he’s going to say. “I do not hate you. Understand that I could never hate you. That’s a promise. One that I am making to you right now.”
Kaveh sniffles, unable to keep Alhaitham’s gaze. His eyes fall to his lap. He knows that Alhaitham is right. Everything that he says is the truth; it’s always been that way. There was no use for him to lie, so what was the point? He always looked at things rationally, logically.
“I am doing this–helping you of my own free will–because I want to,” Alhaitham speaks up again, and there’s a hand on Kaveh’s chin, lifting his head so that he will meet his eye once again. Kaveh can only let out a pathetic noise, fingers tightening in the fabric of his pants. “Believe it or not, I do still care about you. I would hope that everything I’ve been doing would show that, but perhaps I was not being obvious enough.”
Before Kaveh can really register anything else, he’s pulled into his junior’s arms, face pressed into his chest. Surprised as he is, Kaveh doesn’t pull away, finding comfort in the warmth that is Alhaitham; the warmth that he’s missed for all these years.
“I am here for you, Kaveh. No matter what,” Alhaitham starts up again, and Kaveh feels a whole other wave of tears coming on. “I will always be here for you if you need a shoulder to lean on; if you need someone to ramble to about a bad client who got on your nerves one too many times. If you need someone to sit with you in silence while you work. If you need someone to carry you home from the tavern, or even if you just need someone to braid your hair. I am not going anywhere, and I want you to stay.
“So, please don’t ever imply that I would hate you. I don’t, and I never will. Believe me, if that were to be the case, then it would have happened already, and you would already know for certain. You know I am not the kind of person to beat around the bush.”
Weakly, Kaveh lifts his hands to grasp at the front of Alhaitham’s shirt, crying into his shoulder. He can’t speak through the tears, but Alhaitham doesn’t seem to mind. He just lets him cry against him for as long as he needs to, running his hand along Kaveh’s back in such a soothing motion that Kaveh almost wants to throw up from how tender and caring it feels.
He might be babbling something. He might be saying that he’s sorry over and over again, but he truly can’t tell. It could be minutes before he stops crying, it could be hours, but the only thing that he knows for certain is that Alhaitham is here with him, and that he’s here to stay.
Here, now in the morning, laying in bed with Alhaitham, his junior sleeping peacefully at his side, Kaveh thinks he can finally allow himself to be a little more comfortable. He can allow himself to understand that stare of his a little more; the way he looks at him so tenderly, so caring in a way that Kaveh doesn’t know how he didn’t fully notice before.
Kaveh lifts his hand to gently rest it on Alhaitham’s cheek, rubbing his thumb there with a soft smile on his face. He doesn’t move too suddenly, so not to risk waking Alhaitham up; he just lays there, happy, content, and warm for the first time in so long, finally feeling somewhat at peace.
Perhaps it’s okay that Alhaitham looks at him like that. It will take a while for him to get used to it, but he thinks that’s okay; it’s been this long of a wait, so what was the harm in taking a little more time?
Quietly, as his eyes close to get a little more rest before he has to actually start the day, Kaveh hopes that Alhaitham will look at him like that more.