Work Text:
What Do you Mean You’re Not Vaccinated?!
Bruce and Tony came to realize, to their absolute horror, that they were the only fully vaccinated people on the team.
“FUCKING GET AWAY FROM ME, I’M IMMUNOCOMPROMISED,” Tony shouted, having launched himself across the room. His watch was now a gauntlet. He was aiming it at the rest of the team. It was whirring with power.
“Please put the gauntlet down,” Steve squeaked, terrified, not moving from his seat on the couch.
“I can understand Thor, and maybe even Steve,” Bruce said weakly. “But Clint?”
Clint didn’t look up from carefully organizing his five-pound bag of Skittles into piles of specific colors. “I grew up in the circus. They only cared if the animals were vaccinated properly there. I think I got a flu vaccine once.”
Bruce turned his eyes on Natasha. “Are you telling me the Russians forced sterilization but not MMR?!”
“We were not exposed to outsiders until most people had already been vaccinated or predisposed themselves,” she answered with a shrug. “I’ve been vaccinated against malaria.”
“Were you just vaccinated when you were going to specific places to kill people?” Bruce gasped.
Natasha shrugged again. Bruce squinted at her, mouth dropped open a little. Part of it was outrage. Part of it was doing the math trying to figure out how to get her a full panel.
“Tony what can I do to make you put the gauntlet down,” Steve begged, getting up and taking a step toward him in an attempt to comfort him.
The gauntlet whirred louder as a threat. Tony took a step back, pressing up against the wall. “Die.”
“Tony,” Steve gasped, hurt.
“A bad cold could kill him, Steve,” Bruce cut in quickly. “I’ve seen his chest x-rays. His diminished lung capacity alone is a problem, not to mention his tanked immune system.”
“And I could have brought a virus home?” Steve asked, horrified.
“It’s a miracle I’m still alive. I’m going down to the lab. Goodbye forever,” Tony said, sliding across the wall to get to the elevator. “I didn’t live through open-heart surgery in a dirty cave to get killed by a fucking cold. I will be making a bubble suit. I will miss the warmth of hugs but I will be alive.”
“Are you telling me that every executive at your meetings is vaccinated?” Clint asked in disbelief.
Tony scowled at him as he waited for the elevator to open. “They’re all like eighty, Clint. I’m pretty sure Aldman’s son actually died of polio before the vaccine came out. Of course they’re all vaccinated. A stiff breeze could kill them.” He huffed. “At least if they weren’t living out of spite. I’m pretty sure they’re all gonna outlive me.”
“This could be a great opportunity,” Thor said suddenly, leaning forward in his seat. “The public is still pretty upset about our last fight—”
“Because we knocked over a beloved statue trying to keep a school bus from being flattened by a mutant squid,” Natasha muttered.
“People love dog statues,” Clint added.
“—so what if you all get your vaccinations on TV?” Thor finished, enthused.
Steve swiveled to scowl at him. “What about you?”
“Well, I’m a god, so,” Thor began.
Bruce pointed in his face, making Thor’s eyes cross to make sure his finger didn’t get too close and poke one. “You’re a fucking alien. You know how the aliens in War of the Worlds died? Germs. You’re fucking next, buddy.”
“I wasn’t aware that Midgard had participated in an intergalactic fight before the Chitauri,” Thor said.
Steve opened his mouth to tell him it was a book. Tony’s gauntlet whirred loudly. He closed his mouth.
“That’s a good idea, Thor!” Bruce told him. “You can be first.”
“I regret my idea,” Thor said, which wasn’t a no, but was certainly a grumble.
“All four of you can get your full vaccinations,” Bruce continued.
“Of course. I’m glad these immunizations exist,” Steve answered earnestly.
Natasha and Clint looked a bit perturbed, but then they glanced at Tony, still staring at them suspiciously as he backed into the now-open elevator, and their shoulders fell in defeat.
.-.
“You really did make a bubble suit,” Steve breathed in disbelief.
“Of course I did,” Tony scoffed. He moved as if to cross his arms, but the suit was too plush, so he dropped them back to his sides. Somehow, it didn't even come off as close to comical.
“I am mostly surprised he didn’t sooner, just for the option to safely bodycheck me,” Clint said morosely where he was sprawled halfway across the kitchen island, covered in cereal.