Work Text:
Sleep was like a stranger to Erik. The dark memories buried themselves in his troubled mind found their way to the surface when he closed his eyes. Lately, the look of pain and betrayal in Charles's eyes on that beach in Cuba was seared into his memory.
During the long, solitary hours of the night, Erik's mind would wander to what might have been. He thought of the school Charles had envisioned, a haven for young mutants where they could learn and grow in safety. He imagined what his role could have been in that dream, standing by Charles’s side, guiding the next generation. But with every potential future came the stark reminder of the present reality – a rift that seemed too wide to bridge, deepened by his own hand.
Erik’s mission had always been so clear; avenge the people he’d lost, protect his own kind, and wrong the people who deserved it. But Charles had made things more complicated. Charles was the first person to see more than just rage and pain. Their bond had filled Erik with a feeling he could not describe. Now, without Charles, he felt that same profound isolation he’d felt all his life.
Erik found himself retreating to the solace of metal manipulation as a distraction from his thoughts. Yet, no matter how much he bent the world to his will, he could not bend his heart away from the pain of losing Charles.
He’d abandoned his helmet, secretly wishing that Charles would reach out to him during the lonely nights. But his nights remained silent.
…
Months had gone by since that day on the beach and thoughts of Charles still plagued Erik’s mind. He often found himself standing just beyond the iron gates of the mansion, his presence shrouded in the shadows. But every time he considered stepping through the gates, his unbearing guilt held him back.
This internal struggle was a constant battle. He wanted to see Charles, to explain himself, to beg for his forgiveness. Yet, he feared what he might find. Could Charles ever forgive him for what he’d done? Would he still see past his rage?
Soon, Erik found himself manipulating the metal in the gates, feeling the cold iron twist and bend beneath his fingers. He stepped through the bent bars, inching closer to the mansion. He could see the soft glow of lights through the windows, casting a warm, inviting glow.
But as he peered through the glass, his heart sank. Charles was there, but he looked pale and frail, a shadow of the man Erik remembered. Dark circles underscored his eyes, and his movements were slow, labored.
Just as he was about to turn away, the front door opened, and Charles emerged. For a brief moment, their eyes met across the distance, and Erik felt a surge of panic. He was not ready for this, not yet. With a swift, silent movement, he melted back into the shadows, disappearing into the night before Charles could reach him.
This ritual repeated itself countless times. Erik would find himself drawn to the school, each visit bringing him a step closer to confronting his past. But the courage to face Charles always remained just out of reach.
One night, Erik found himself standing on the grounds of the mansion. His eyes were drawn to the dim light in Charles’s study. He was slumped over his desk, looking even more frail and weary than usual. His face was drawn, and his shoulders sagged with an invisible weight. Erik’s heart ached at the sight. He had never seen Charles so defeated, and it took all of his willpower not to rush inside.
As he moved, a twig snapped under his foot. The sound was barely audible, but it was enough. Charles's head lifted, and for a moment, their eyes met through the window. Erik froze, his breath catching in his throat.
Charles straightened, his eyes widening as he recognized the figure standing in the shadows. He wandered to the window, his movements slow and deliberate. Erik stood rooted to the spot, unable to tear his gaze away.
“Erik,” Charles called out, his voice weak but clear. “I know you’re there.”
Erik's heart pounded in his chest. He had been caught, and now there was no turning back. He took a deep breath, moving closer to the window. Charles’s eyes followed his every move. “Charles,” Erik replied, his voice barely more than a whisper.
Charles’s gaze softened. “Why do you keep hiding, my friend? Why don’t you come inside?”
Erik’s throat tightened. “I didn’t think you’d want to see me.”
“I’d rather you come inside than sneak around my house every night.” ‘
Erik felt his cheeks grow hot. He took a step back, ready to retreat once more into the safety of the shadows. But then he saw the look in Charles’s eyes and knew he couldn’t keep running.
…
Erik followed Charles through the grand hallways, their footsteps echoing in the silence. Charles led them to his study. They settled in, Charles behind his desk and Erik in a nearby chair, both of them acutely aware of the gravity of this long-overdue conversation.
Erik sat across from Charles, the bile rising in his throat. After a moment of silence, he broke the tension. “Why did you never reach out, Charles? You could have found me, talked to me, even if I wasn’t ready to come back.”
Charles's eyes hardened, and he fixed Erik with a piercing gaze. “Why didn’t I reach out?” he repeated, his voice trembling with suppressed anger. “You want to know why I didn’t use my powers to contact you?”
Erik frowned, sensing the shift in Charles’s demeanor. “Yes, Charles. You could have—”
Charles slammed his hand on the desk, cutting Erik off. “I couldn’t, Erik! I couldn’t use my powers because of you!” His voice rose, echoing off the walls of the study. “Because of what you did!”
Erik recoiled slightly, taken aback by the intensity of Charles’s anger. He’d never seen him like this before. It frightened him. “What do you mean?”
Charles’s eyes flashed with fury. “The injury, Erik! The bullet that severed my spine! It left me paralyzed. I found a drug that lets me walk again, but it suppresses my telepathic abilities. I had to choose, Erik. Walk or keep my powers. Because of you!”
Erik’s face paled as the weight of Charles’s words sank in. “Charles, I...I didn’t know. I never meant—”
“You never meant?” Charles shouted, his voice breaking. “You never meant for any of this to happen? But it did, Erik! Your actions have consequences!”
Erik felt a surge of guilt and sorrow but also a rising defensiveness. “I’m sorry, Charles. I truly am. But we were at war, and I was trying to protect our kind.”
“Protect our kind?” Charles scoffed, his tone dripping with bitterness. “At what cost, Erik? You left a trail of destruction, and I paid the price. I’ve always been a prisoner to my own mind, but now in my own body as well. Do you have any idea what that feels like?”
Erik’s voice was strained. “I know I’ve made mistakes, Charles. But I’ve carried this guilt for so long. Seeing you like this...”
“Is that why you’ve been wandering around the mansion so you can feel sorry for yourself?” Charles interrupted, his voice quieter but no less intense. “You think you’re the only one who’s suffered? Every day, I’m reminded of what happened on that beach. Every day, I feel the weight of your decisions.”
Erik looked down, struggling with the weight of his emotions. “I never wanted to hurt you, Charles. I thought I was doing what was right. I never imagined things would end up this way. You have to know I’m sorry.”
Charles’s gaze softened for a moment before his anger surged again, a torrent of words spilling out. “You don’t understand, do you? I’ve spent all this time trying to hate you for what you’ve done, but I can’t. Every day, I’ve missed you. I’ve longed for you. Damn it, Erik, I love you!”
Erik’s eyes widened in shock, as his heart fell into his stomach. “Charles, I...I didn’t know...”
Charles's voice cracked, “Of course you didn’t know! You were too busy fighting your war to see what was right in front of you. You were too consumed by your own pain to notice mine. Every moment, every decision...it’s always been about you, Erik. And I’ve suffered in silence, loving you despite everything.”
Erik struggled to find the right words, “Charles, I...I never realized. I never thought...”
Charles wiped away a tear, his anger spent, leaving only exhaustion and vulnerability. “I’ve carried this love for you, Erik, and it’s torn me apart.”
“Charles,” Erik began, his voice unsteady. “Our time apart has made me realize you’ve always meant more to me than anyone else. I’ve been so consumed by my mission, by my anger, that I pushed everything else aside. Including you.”
Charles remained still, listening attentively. Erik continued, “I think my feelings for you frightened me. It was so foreign; something I did not understand. The way you looked at me…no one had ever looked at me that way before.” He cleared his throat, feeling tears forming in his eyes. “I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. You have every right to be angry with me. But I want you to know that if I could give my life to stop that from ever happening, I would.”
Charles sighed, his eyes welling with tears, “Erik…”
“I want to make this right. I know I can’t undo the past and I know I don’t deserve you…but I can be here for you now. Let me help you. Let me take care of you.”
“Erik, you don’t have to do this. I’ve managed on my own.” By the look of him, Erik knew this wasn’t true.
Erik shook his head, stepping closer. “No, Charles. You’ve been bearing this burden alone for too long. I want to be by your side. Let me help you through this. Please.”
Tears fell down Charles’s cheeks as he squeezed Erik’s hand tightly. “Erik, I’ve missed you so much. More than I can put into words. But I want you to understand something…this will not be easy.”
Erik nodded, “I know, Charles.”
“It’s not just about the past, Erik. My mind is trapped in darkness. Losing Raven, the injury, the drug I’m on, losing you—it’s taken a toll on me both physically and emotionally. I struggle with pain daily, and it affects my ability to be as present and effective as I want to be. This isn’t just about old wounds; it’s about everything.”
Erik’s heart ached at the thought of Charles suffering so deeply. “I can’t begin to understand this pain you feel, Charles, but I swear to you I will stand by your side every step of the way. I love you. You’ve shown me the person I want to be. Let me be that person for you.”
Charles smiled softly, placing a gentle hand on Erik’s cheek. In a moment, Erik finally grasped what Charles always talked about: Hope.