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There’s a donkey in the living room.
Wei Wuxian stands beside it grimly, holding onto its leash. When it brays, he pulls an apple out of his pocket. It gobbles the apple right up with its long, pale tongue and its grotesquely long, yellow teeth.
What the fuck.
“What the fuck is that?” Jiang Cheng exclaims, rushing into the living room beside Jin Ling.
“This is Little Apple,” Wei Wuxian says.
What the fuck.
Neither Jin Ling nor Jiang Cheng say anything, continuing to stare at Wei Wuxian with incredulity.
“Look,” Wei Wuxian says nervously, “Lan Zhan said that he loved me and wanted to date me. Two hours ago, I thought he despised me.” He then shrugs as if to emphasize his point. As if that ‘point’ explains anything.
There’s a donkey in the living room.
There’s a fucking donkey in the living room.
“So you bought a donkey,” Jiang Cheng says.
“Yes, I bought Li’l Apple.”
There’s a fucking donkey bought from who-knows-where in the living room because Wei Wuxian gay panicked.
“Jin Ling, stop gawking and close your mouth,” Jiang Cheng scolds. Jin Ling doesn’t close his mouth. “Wei Wuxian, get that thing out of this house. It’s a barn animal, not a pet.”
“His name is Li’l Apple,” Wei Wuxian says. At the same time, the donkey brays haughtily and stomps its hooves onto the floor. It causes a very loud crack sound, and when Jin Ling looks at the floor, there are dents and cracks in the laminate.
It seems that it doesn’t like being called a barn animal. Good to know. Jin Ling won’t make the same mistake.
“Wei Wuxian,” Jiang Cheng says, voice strained. “Get that thing out of here.”
Wei Wuxian purses his lips and tries pulling on the leash. The donkey doesn’t move, but it does nose at Wei Wuxian’s thighs. Wei Wuxian only looks at it and says, “I don’t have any more apples.” He pulls on the leash again, but the donkey doesn’t budge, braying louder.
“Jin Ling,” Jiang Cheng says. “You’re not a fish, close your goddamn mouth before I shut it closed myself.”
Jin Ling closes his mouth, not wanting to take the risk.
The donkey, still braying, takes a step towards Jin Ling.
Jin Ling stumbles back several steps, unwilling to be any closer to the jackass. Its eyes are pitch black, and although that’s not something that usually deters him—all dogs have black eyes and he adores them—it’s as if this donkey is staring into Jin Ling’s very soul, and the blackness of it makes it appear uncannily diabolic. It’s deeply unsettling.
What the hell has Wei Wuxian brought into this house?
“Wei Wuxian, get that thing out of here immediately!” Jiang Cheng yells. It seems like he took a couple steps back as well. It’s nice to know that Jin Ling’s not the only one scared of that thing.
“I’m trying!” Wei Wuxian yells, tugging uselessly at the reigns. “He’s not budging. He’s a stubborn little thing.”
After a few more attempts, Wei Wuxian sighs and says, “We need to bribe him with apples. He won’t listen otherwise.”
Jin Ling swears that Jiang Cheng’s eye twitches.
“We’re out of apples just like we’re out of ginger and garlic,” Jiang Cheng says harshly. “I told you to go grocery shopping yesterday, but you didn’t.”
“Fuck,” Wei Wuxian says.
Fuck indeed.
So what are they supposed to do now? They can’t just keep the donkey here. Jin Ling won’t be able to sleep peacefully ever again if he knows that this jackass is still in the living room.
“Can you return it?” Jin Ling asks carefully.
“Nope,” Wei Wuxian says. “Final sale.”
Fuck. Then he tries: “Can we sell it?”
“Who would want such a behaviourally challenged mule other than your idiotic uncle?” Jiang Cheng says. “How much did you even buy this thing for?”
Wei Wuxian smiles sheepishly. “You don’t want to know.”
Jiang Cheng scoffs. “I’m gonna burn your adoption files.”
Wei Wuxian chuckles weakly. “I’m already an adult, so it doesn’t really matter. Why don’t you go buy some apples? We can properly go grocery shopping tomorrow.”
Jiang Cheng sighs heavily and looks at Wei Wuxian the same way he looks at Jin Ling every time he comes home past midnight without texting Jiang Cheng about it: an angry sort of disappointment that’s so potent it feels tangible. He’s never done it again ever since.
“That thing better not touch or break anything while I’m away,” Jiang Cheng says. “Jin Ling, let’s go.”
He doesn’t need to say it twice. Jin Ling doesn’t want to spend another second in that jackass’ presence.
They get to the car, and as Jiang Cheng pulls out of the driveway, he says: “We’re gonna detour to get some baijiu. I’ve already had it with this day, and Wei Wuxian bringing home that damned donkey crossed the line. ‘ He said he loved me ,’” he mocks. “Then either tell him you love him too or tell him to fuck off, it’s not that hard.”
Jin Ling wants to say, “When Lan Xichen confessed to you, you spent an entire week panicking, getting drunk every night and even went back to therapy after six months of being ‘free’ from it before you gave him a proper answer,” but then he thinks of how angry Jiang Cheng already is and keeps his mouth shut.
They arrive at the grocery store first and stand in front of the apples.
“How many do we need?” Jin Ling asks.
Jiang Cheng shrugs. “Dunno. How many do you think we’ll need to bribe it all the way to the backyard?”
Jin Ling shrugs back. “Two?”
Jiang Cheng raises an eyebrow as if to say, “Seriously?” in an entirely judgemental manner.
Jin Ling shrugs again. “It’s not like I’ve ever met a donkey before. I don’t know how much bribery it needs.”
Eventually, they agree on getting twenty-four apples. They don’t know how long they’re going to have the donkey before they find a way to get rid of it, and neither of them want to make another emergency trip to the grocery store. They think this will last them about two days. Hopefully.
They’re on the way to the liquor store when Wei Wuxian calls.
Jin Ling picks up the phone and puts it on speaker.
“What is it?” Jin Ling asks.
“So,” Wei Wuxian says in a solemn tone, “I just found out that Li’l Apple isn’t potty trained.”
“What?” Jiang Cheng barks. “Where the fuck did it piss?”
“Well, actually, he shit. Right in the middle of the living room.”
Jiang Cheng swears, hits the top of the steering wheel so hard that Jin Ling is surprised that his wrist doesn’t get hurt, and makes a sharp u-turn.
“You guys need to get home and lure it out before the shit dries. It’ll be easier to clean while it’s still wet,” Wei Wuxian says.
“I wish your hands shrivelled up and dried the moment you agreed to buy that goddamned thing, right before the transaction,” Jiang Cheng says.
“I wholeheartedly agree,” says Jin Ling.
“I’m sorry,” Wei Wuxian whines. “I didn’t think it would be this troublesome.”
“You didn’t think at all,” Jiang Cheng says.
Wei Wuxian sighs. “Lan Zhan said he loved me. I thought he despised me all these years. You should be more surprised if I was able to think,” he says before hanging up.
Jiang Cheng sighs.
“Wow,” Jin Ling says. “All the Jiangs are horrible with love.”
Jiang Cheng shoots him a look.
Jin Ling hopes that the Jiang genes weren’t passed onto him. He loves his mother, but the start of her relationship with his father—and even before that—was very rocky. The Jins, other than his father at least, seem to be fine when it comes to romance.
Then he remembers that his grandfather is a big, fat cheater, so the Jins mostly seem to be fine with romance.
And then he remembers that those are all of the closest members of his family.
So nevermind then. Both sides of his family are horrible when it comes to love. Lucky him to inherit such a long-standing tradition that is shared on both sides of his family lineage.
With Jiang Cheng speeding as he is, they make it home in record time. When they get inside, both of them holding one bag of apples each, they see Wei Wuxian kneeling on the floor with one half of his face pressed into the couch seat, screeching into the phone, as the diabolical donkey bites the arm seat of the same couch, just behind Wei Wuxian’s back.
“You glared at me whenever I said ‘Hi’!” Wei Wuxian screeches. “You were as unresponsive as a rock . The only time you spoke to me outside of whenever we had to work together for projects, you called me shameless, foolish, reckless, etcetera. How was I supposed to know that you liked me—” Wei Wuxian cuts himself off and then fishmouths for a second before he stutteringly says, “Right. Okay. So, my point still stands. How was I supposed to know that you— that you loved me? It feels so unreal that if I didn’t know you as well as I did, I’d think this was some sort of joke.”
Jin Ling feels a tug on his sleeve and looks at Jiang Cheng who then points to the opposite end of the living room, drawing his attention to a large pile of poop clumps. Only then does he notice the faint miasma of shit. Jin Ling scrunches his nose and scowls at it.
“Friday?” Wei Wuxian screams. “You want to go on a date on Friday to prove your feelings for me?” After a moment, Wei Wuxian takes the phone away from his ear, as far as his arm can extend, and slams it into the couch. Wei Wuxian then slams his own face into the couch and makes a weird noise that’s a mix of a groan and a scream. When he’s done, he sits up straight, puts the phone back to his ear and says, “Okay. But if I find out that this is some sort of cruel joke—”
Lan Wangji must have said something, because a second later, Wei Wuxian relaxes and even smiles. “Okay,” he says gooily. It’s absolutely disgusting. “I’ll see you tomorrow. I look forward to Friday. Bye, Lan Zhan.” Wei Wuxian hangs up and does a weird little wriggle with his arms in the air.
Only then does Jiang Cheng say: “You buy a donkey—” Wei Wuxian whips his head around, startled “—that is the most stubborn piece of shit in existence and you bring it home for it to cause a stir and take a shit. Only after it takes a shit do you resolve the crisis that caused you to buy the thing in the first place, not before. No, I refuse to clean up after your shit.” Jiang Cheng puts the bag of apples onto the ground and gestures for Jin Ling to do the same.
“Fix all of this just like you fixed your crisis,” Jiang Cheng says to Wei Wuxian. “Let’s go, Jin Ling. We’re getting ice cream.”
He doesn’t need to say it twice.