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Phoenix blows his whistle for about five seconds too long. “No running!” he shouts, then blows the whistle again. It’s his favorite part of the job.
Edgeworth glares at him from below Phoenix’s perch. “I clearly was not,” he says. His nose scrunches up as he frowns, which is kinda cute and exactly why Phoenix bothers him.
Phoenix shrugs. “Just making sure.”
“Why anyone thought it was a good idea to give you something that is even louder than you already are, I will never understand,” Edgeworth gripes. He tosses a small, plastic-wrapped cake up at Phoenix’s face. “There’s more in the break room. You seem the type to enjoy this processed garbage.”
Aw, he thought of him. “A smushed-in cupcake,” Phoenix says with genuine excitement, “You’re a man after my own heart.”
Edgeworth’s frown deepens, if that’s even possible. “If you keep eating those, you won’t have a functional heart,” he retorts, then starts walking away. That’s the closest to flirting back he’s ever gotten— Phoenix might swoon.
Lifeguarding at Buddy Beach is pretty simple, given the fact that there’s usually a maximum of ten people visiting at any given day, and most of them are too chicken to go into the water after another supposed monster sighting. Plus, the job comes with plenty of perks: free snacks, a whistle, and an exasperated on-site medic named Miles Edgeworth, to name a few.
Phoenix thinks he has it pretty good.
“Sigh,” he says out loud. He turns away from where he’s been staring at Edgeworth across the beach from the lifeguard tower to face Maya. “I said, ‘Sigh,’” he repeats.
Maya throws her pen at his eyebrow with surprisingly good aim.
“Ow, fuck!”
“Will you stop drooling over the medical staff and at least pretend you’re doing your job?” she says. She shoves her clipboard and walkie-talkie into his stomach. “You’ve got people to watch.”
“Ugh, it’s just Larry and some girl he met on jury duty,” Phoenix complains, covering his face with the clipboard. “Isn’t this your job, too?” He very clearly remembers asking for a coworker, specifically because he wanted to ogle Edgeworth sometimes and not have to worry about someone dying while he did it.
“I’m taking my break,” Maya declares, “And I’m hungry, gimme your credit card.”
“You suck.” He hands it over. If she leaves, at least she won’t be judging his poor decisions. “Get me some fries.”
“I won’t,” Maya says cheerfully, “I don’t do handouts for losers.”
Phoenix cancels his credit card the moment she leaves the tower.
Larry does end up needing rescuing about ten minutes into his date, mainly because he thinks that impressing women includes showing them how long you can go without breathing underwater, then freaking out at seaweed because it “looked like the Buddy Beach Monster!” and almost drowning in the process. Phoenix had the pleasure of dragging him all the way across the beach to the medic’s office, while Larry cooperated with all the enthusiasm of a very soggy brick.
“I’m dying, Nicky!” Larry wails, “I can’t feel my lungs! Oh, how will I serenade my beautiful April for our three day anniversary now?”
Phoenix groans. “Larry, your lungs are fine.” A small part of him wishes they weren’t, just so he wouldn’t have to be on the receiving end of Larry’s lament. “Look, I’m taking you to Edgeworth so you can be sure, alright, bud? Take a deep breath.”
Larry continues squalling. His lady friend— April, apparently— follows close behind.
Phoenix frequents Edgeworth’s office because Edgeworth’s in there, but also because Edgeworth gets all the good otter pops from Cindy-the-front-desk-clerk who’s definitely in love with him. Phoenix is way ahead of her, though, so she can piss right off. Every time he enters, he enjoys the fact that Edgeworth’s got Steel Samurai stickers all over one of the walls, which management likes because they think it caters to the kids with sore knees that tend to be Edgeworth’s main clientele, and which Phoenix likes because it caters to the knowledge that Edgeworth is a grown man who enjoys children’s tv shows. He’s so lame. Phoenix is madly in love with him.
Phoenix unceremoniously dumps Larry on the examination table. “Paging Dr. McSteamy,” he says. Edgeworth rolls his eyes. “Larry had a bit of a tumble into the water and thinks he’s dying now.”
“I don’t think so, I am!”
“Alright, Larry, just allow me to take a look,” Edgeworth says, then concludes after about ten minutes, “It’s just a bruise. Slight bruising on your ankle, while the rest of yourself remains typical. Including your lungs.”
Larry sniffles. April rubs his shoulder gently, though she seems pretty distracted by staring at Edgeworth, which, rude, that’s Phoenix’s job.
“Wow, Mr. Doctor, you’re so heroic,” she sing-songs. She stands up from the bench, holding her hands up by her face. “Thank you so much for taking a look at my Larry, tee hee! If there’s anything you’d like as payment, you know where to find me!”
Phoenix scowls. She’s practically draped entirely over Edgeworth’s side, and he’s doing nothing to move her away.
“Erm, of course, Miss. . .” Edgeworth trails off.
“April May,” she winks, and Larry sighs dreamily behind them.
“Isn’t she just so sweet?” he asks. Phoenix is going to kill her with his bare hands.
“Right. Miss May,” Edgeworth says. He delicately takes her wrist and lifts it off of his perfectly ironed red coat, while Phoenix coughs. “Happy to be of assistance. Mr. Butz is a familiar acquaintance, it’s the least I could do.”
“Oh, I do admire a man with a big vocabulary,” April says. Edgeworth’s cheeks tinge pink, which is when Phoenix decides he has had enough.
“Alright, since everyone is just nifty here, I’m leaving!” Phoenix announces. Edgeworth jumps, glancing back at Phoenix like maybe he had forgotten he was there, which is great! And Phoenix is not upset about it! At all! “Have fun fraternizing while the rest of us do our fucking jobs,” he says, and makes sure the door slams on the way out.
He sulks about it all day. No one else shows up to Buddy Beach, which is good, because Phoenix would not have bothered. Let them sink, just like his hopes and dreams.
“Stop moping,” Maya chides. “You’re acting like you just got stood up at prom.”
“Worse, Maya!” Phoenix leans back dramatically in his chair. “This is so much worse.” The love of his life is probably straight, and his type is the same as Larry’s; what the hell else is Phoenix meant to do but mope?
“Whatever you say,” she says. She throws another pen at Phoenix’s face— where does she keep getting those?— and points outside the lifeguard tower. “He’s standing outside, by the way.”
“What?” Phoenix turns his head fast enough to hear a crack!
Edgeworth’s standing at the stairs of the tower expectantly, frowning. God, he looks good. The sunlight hits his stupid silver hair way too harshly and he looks incredibly out of place in his formal red uniform amongst the sand and shells, which is exactly the kind of freak vibe Phoenix is into.
Phoenix and, apparently, April May.
He sighs. Edgeworth’s probably here to scold him about bad manners or something equally ludicrous, so he might as well get this over with. He descends the stairs slowly, enjoying the way Edgeworth's exasperation grows. He finally reaches the bottom.
“What,” he says flatly.
Edgeworth raises an eyebrow, but does not comment on Phoenix's tone. “I fear I may have missed something earlier,” he starts, “and I would like to amend it if I have. . . misstepped in any way.”
Oh. That’s, unfortunately, kind of sweet, and not what he thought he’d say.
Phoenix takes a breath. He's kind of being awful. “Sorry. It was kind of shitty of me to storm off like that,” he says. “It wasn’t anything you did. Well, nothing you did intentionally.”
Edgeworth’s other eyebrow joins his first, a mile above his forehead. “Which does not mean that I am not at fault,” he deduces. He must read something in Phoenix’s expression, as he then ventures, “Is this about Miss May?”
Phoenix grimaces. Ever the investigator; Edgeworth concludes he is on the right path.
“I apologize, I did not intend to cross any boundaries. I did not know you had such strong feelings about it,” he says, carefully empty of any emotion.
Hah! Phoenix would think he's been pretty obvious about any "strong feelings," but it's getting more and more clear that he's been barking up the wrong tree. Who knew: Miles Edgeworth, womanizer extraordinaire!
There’s a pause.
“I just didn’t think your type would be taken women, I guess,” Phoenix says finally.
“I— Wait, what?” Edgeworth blinks. “Why in the world would you think that?”
Huh? Did Phoenix miss something? “Are you not in adulterous straight love with April?” Phoenix demands. “What the hell?”
“What? No!” Edgeworth grabs Phoenix’s shoulders hysterically. “I thought you were!”
Phoenix is almost offended. “Oh my god, no! I’m not into Larry’s weird girlfriend, Jesus!”
“Then who?”
“You, obviously!”
Edgeworth freezes. Shit.
“You were jealous of her,” he says, very slowly, like it’s a revelation of some sort, and before Phoenix can even fathom being embarrassed, he’s being kissed.
Tweet!
“No macking on the beach!” Maya calls over the radio.
“Erk!” Miles springs away in surprise, destabilizing Phoenix and sending him crashing backwards into the shallow water. Phoenix flips Maya off without getting up or looking, while Miles immediately leans down next to him, lifting his head above the water. “Sorry, erm, are you alright?”
Phoenix is fine. He’s more than fine, actually. He grabs at Miles’s chest mock-desperately. “My brave and handsome savior! Quick, I think I need CPR,” he says, “You gotta kiss me again, Doctor!”
“Nevermind, die.” Miles drops Phoenix's head back into the sand. “I won’t even miss you or your egregiously shirtless upper body. You are aware the uniform has a shirt, yes?”
“Hey, sex sells,” Phoenix sputters. He sits up and brushes sand off of his chest while Miles stares unabashedly. “It worked on you, didn’t it?”
“Nope.” Miles helps him up and leads him back to his office, only letting go of his hand to open the door before pulling him back in for a makeout session that violates about forty HR policies, surrounded by Steel Samurai decals. “Not at all.”
Liar, Phoenix thinks. He’s going to flaunt this in front-desk-Cindy’s face for the rest of her life.