Work Text:
love guru <3 @luvguruseoul
“hey guys im back on here bc i asked my bf if he’d love me if i was a worm and he left me on read for ten full minutes before saying yes” – anon
→ felixie: ur bf never misses huh
→ parkhwa: @joong .
→ mingki: @yuyu
→ yuyu: didn’t you ask me this yesterday???? no i wouldnt date you if you were a
worm?? youd be a WORM
→ mingki: romance is dead
→ woohyena: @ jonghohoho
→ jonghohoho: why did you tag me
→ woohyena: i felt left out
→ jonghohoho: i wouldn’t even date you as a person
→ woohyena: BITCHF?/1/13320
love guru <3 @luvguruseoul
“CORRECTION. u didn’t ask me if i’d date u if u were a worm u asked me ‘would you date me if i were a single bacteria cell that somehow survived a hand sanitizer attack and am now stranded forever on your hand,,,,, reproducing asexually on my own forever because the rest of my species died’” – mountain
→ mingki: IM CRYING ANON ARE U OKAY????? IS IT BC ITS ALMOST FINALS HERE/??????
→ joong: i think the real question here is why did you still say yes
love guru <3 @luvguruseoul
“you’re so unromantic this is why you get no bitches” – anon
→ joong: oh anon…..
→ woohyena: not anon admitting that they consciously fell for a loser
→ mingki: i think this says more about you than him 😭
love guru <3 @luvguruseoul
“okay but baby if you were a crumbly cookie i would purposely step on you (not to kill you) but instead to transform your conscience into a billion pieces that could never be touched and then i would scatter the rest of the crumbles into an ocean so you could become one with nature and so i could feel you in every breath i take as you have been integrated into our very ecosystem. i would immortalize you within the oldest landscape on earth.” – mountain
→ woohyena: i need to get laid or something i’m literally crying at this
→ parkhwa: When can I find a man that will scatter my cookie crumble conscience into the
ocean.
→ joong: okay i gotta admit it babe… i don’t think i’d do that for you
→ parkhwa: All men do is lie
→ felixie: this was the weirdest yet most hauntingly beautiful thing ive read the fuck
→ SNU Official: 😭 😭I need someone like this wtf
→ SNU Official: fuck wrong account
→ woohyena: LMAOOOO ARIANA WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
love guru <3 @luvguruseoul
“why can’t you be normal. i’m coming over” – anon
→ mingki: THAT SHIT WORKED????? man i don’t understand relationships any more
→ yuyu: babe none of us can top the romance in that cookie crumble tweet lets be fr
→ mingki: you’re right i just didn’t want to admit it
→ felixie: anon where did you find a man like this and where can i get one can i preorder one for christmas
→ woohyena: the more i read through these messages the more i’m convinced that mountain isn’t real
love guru <3 @luvguruseoul
“this is me and the bitch (my beautiful stunning gorgeous boyfriend) i pulled by being weird. also guys you would not BELIEVE what happened today.” – mountain
→ jonghohoho: you want us to guess?
→ woohyena: bitch don’t leave us in suspense
→ mingki: dish, bish
→ yuyu: social media has change you babe
→ mingki: i think it’s the chemicals in these tweets
love guru <3 @luvguruseoul
“sorry my beautiful stunning dazzling jaw dropping boyfriend wanted a cheese puff and a kiss. today i almost got robbed! in broad daylight! a man came up to me and said ‘give me all your money’ and i said ‘no’ and he said ‘okay i’m sorry man i’m going thru a really rough divorce rn’ so i asked him if he wanted to get a coffee or something and he agreed and now he’s invited to my wedding” – mountain
→ jonghohoho: what, and I can NOT stress this enough, THE FUCK
→ woohyena: yeah i don’t even have a joke for this anymore mountain are you sure you’re not some secret therapist wizard. how did you manage to stop your own robbery. with. with care.
→ yuyu: this is the most beautiful thing ive ever seen. i hope you live forever mountain
→ mingki: one time yunho tried to steal a chicken nugget from me and i judo flipped him on the pavement. youre a better man than any of us will ever be mountain
→ yuyu: i dont even remember this happening what
→ mingki: i may have given you a concussion on accident but we went to the ER immediately! they said you were fine!
→ yuyu: okay babe thats cool
→ jonghohoho: is anyone else really concerned about their relationship
→ woohyena: they’re on a watch list it’s fine.
love guru <3 @luvguruseoul
“if you invite your robber to our wedding then you will be missing a groom at the wedding.” – anon
→ woohyena: how long have you two been together. is this an ultimatum or a silly joke? we’ll never know
→ parkhwa: Relatable.
→ joong: WHAT??? HOW IS THIS TWEET RELATABLE TO YOU??? WHAT DID I DO????? BABE?
→ parkhwa: You know what you did.
→ jonghohoho: someones in trouble (to both hongjoong and mountain)
→ felixie: god there’s just never a boring day when this twitter thread exists. i love you anon and your himbo of a boyfriend.
love guru <3 @luvguruseoul
“guys im in the dog house again :’)” – mountain
→ woohyena: deserved
→ jonghohoho: good for you mountain
→ yuyu: me too buddy we’re in for it together
→ woohyena: what could you have possibly done
→ yuyu: i think if i tweet what i did you’d have to fish my body out of a ditch
→ woohyena: incredibly cool i never want to hear about your love life again.
love guru <3 @luvguruseoul
“maybe if you stopped inviting random strangers to our future wedding you wouldn’t be in this situation. why did you invite the guy down at the fruit stand to sing there???? WHY IS THE CASHIER AT THE CAMPUS BOOKSTORE INVITED???” – anon
→ jonghohoho: damn anon was serious this is a grudge at this point
→ mingki: tbf if yunho invited the campus bookstore cashier id also put him in the doghouse
→ yuyu: as u should, babe!
→ jonghohoho: stop replying to my comment PLEASE I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS
→ woohyena: lowkey why does anon got a point….
→ parkhwa: @joong Stop inviting strangers to our dinner parties.
→ joong: babe i do that because we can’t just keep inviting the same 4 people
→ joong: i can’t keep laughing at wooyoung’s jokes he is NOT that funny
→ woohyena: I JUST CAUGHT A STRAY??? UNPROVOKED???
love guru <3 @luvguruseoul
“baby please u gotta understand. i invited the guy down at the fruit stand bc he was the one who told me what kinda fruits u liked and how u liked ur coffee in the morning so i could bring it to u. the cashier at the campus bookstore gives me discounts on couple’s themed uni stuff bc she sees us walking together all the time. our love is a tapestry of the people in the background who helped us build it.” – mountain
→ felixie: i gasped so loud i choked on my water
→ parkhwa: This is so beautiful, I would buy a book with just Mountain’s tweets.
→ yuyu: mountain you are like a poet of some sort….
→ yuyu: i hope u and ur bf live forever actually
→ woohyena: don’t even have anything funny to say bc this is a love i can never get
→ jonghohoho: i love this i wish gay people were real.
love guru <3 @luvguruseoul
“ugh i hate you i’m coming over” - anon
→ yuyu: i don’t even blame u bc same!!!
→ woohyena: get ur man anon!!!!
→ felixie: does this mean no more updates 😭
love guru <3 @luvguruseoul
“no this doesn’t mean no more updates felix it just means that im not mad at him anymore.” - anon
→ felixie: OH MY GOD I GOT A SHOUTOUT WHATTTTT
→ woohyena: idc that something good happened to you it shouldve happened to me instead
→ jonghoho: really happy that these two are basically niche microcelebs to us even tho we
don’t know who they are
→ yuyu: im wishing both of u the best fr but also pls notice me ??!!?#@)!(
→ mingki: ???? BABE????
→ yuyu: IT’S THE PARASOCIALISM IT’S GETTING TO ME
love guru <3 @luvguruseoul
“see, the trick to winning over a really really really pretty guy who loves kisses and loves ME so much is by being stupid and accidentally creating poetry. too bad i’m the only person who mastered it.” – mountain
→ woohyena: i wish i could block you
→ mingki: mountain just flexing on us for no reason
→ jonghoho: i was happy for you guys for. one second. ONE second.
→ joong: been following this saga and can confidently say that mountain is too cocky. shut up
about your beautiful boyfriend.