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Adrien tried to pay attention to what Ms. Mendeleiev was saying, he really did, but it already felt like she’d been talking for hours. She’d introduced the experiment they would be doing, and when she started discussing the theory Adrien’s brain decided that it had much better things to focus on. Like the history test he had the next day, and how he was supposed to have started studying for it last night, but instead he’d spent the whole night on patrol and then fighting the akuma that decided to show up just as it ended. He’d barely even slept, let alone studied, and with fencing and a photoshoot after school that day he knew that he’d only have enough time to study if he pulled an all-nighter. But he was already exhausted, and his busy day was only going to make it worse. Still, being tired during a test was better than being well-rested and unprepared, and he’d done much more intense things on much less sleep before. But every time it happens he gives more and more consideration to the idea of asking for an extension on the basis of being busy saving Paris from weirdly niche apocalypses because some asshole decided to dedicate his life to dressing as a bird and committing acts of domestic terrorism at very inconvenient times. With that kind of timing, there’s no way he has a nine-to-five job, maybe he's just unemployed and bored? Or maybe he’s a student too and he keeps creating akumas during assessment periods because he’s just as stressed as they are. It would probably be the weirdest coping mechanism anyone’s ever had, but who’s he to judge, he uses his miraculous as a coping mechanism too, it’s just less…illegal and trauma-inducing. But that doesn’t matter, there’s no way he’d out his identity for something like that, as tempting as it may be sometimes. He’d probably have better luck asking Hawkmoth to chill out or at least get a consistent schedule.
He was snapped out of his thoughts when Nino nudged his arm, “huh?” he said eloquently. Only then did he notice the increase in noise as everyone started getting out of their seats and crowding around the workbenches that lined the edge of the classroom.
Nino giggled to himself, “When did I become the more diligent student?”
“When I stopped sleeping.” Adrien joked, but Nino wasn’t quite as ready to brush off Adrien’s bad habits. His smile dropped into something slightly more sombre, and he slid Adrien a photocopied sheet of instructions for the experiment.
“Well, I guess we’ll just have to figure out how to make melatonin then,” Nino said, and he perked up again as he stood and moved his instruction sheet, notebook, and pen to the workbench closest to their shared desk. He reached over and ruffled Adrien’s hair affectionately, “Marinette’s in a group with us, we’ll start getting the stuff we need while you wake up.”
Adrien smiled and rolled his eyes as Nino walked away, but did take a moment to stretch before he moved his things over to the workbench and began reading the instructions for the experiment.
He's very good at chemistry, and the pieces of theory he heard Ms. Mendeleiev explaining before he zoned out seemed pretty basic. He was sure the experiment was simple, and if he’d been back home doing this in a quiet room by himself he’d probably be on step three by now. But for some reason, every line of instructions he read seemed to disappear from his working memory as soon as it went in. It might as well be in another language.
Nino and Marinette were flitting around the room collecting the equipment and chemicals they needed, drawing recording tables in their books, and beginning to set up the experiment. By the time Adrien had processed step one they’d already gotten much further ahead. He could feel the frustration building as he struggled to keep up with something so simple, he wanted to beg them to just give him five minutes to go over the instructions slowly. The instructions were already slipping through his fingers like sand, he was desperately clinging to anything that stuck, and it certainly didn’t help that the room was engulfed in a cacophony of glass crashing together, cupboards slamming shut, and people laughing and shouting at each other. It was constantly breaking his concentration, and he felt a buzzing sensation build under his skin. The more overwhelmed he felt the more his mind seemed to disconnect him from everything that was happening, it was a never-ending cycle of frustration and deep-rooted disappointment in himself. He knew it wasn’t healthy, but he desperately wanted to smash his head against a wall or stab himself in the leg with the pen he now had a white-knuckled grip on. Anything to snap himself out of whatever mental quicksand seemed to be so intent on drowning him.
Instead, he watched Nino and Marinette work and tried to ground himself enough to at least be a functional assistant for whatever tasks they would delegate to him. They probably thought he was being lazy, or that he was just too stupid to follow basic instructions that had been sitting right in front of him for what felt like hours now. Marinette already seemed to barely be able to stand him, and now, when she was the calmest she’d ever been around him, he was standing there like an idiot freeloading off her work. God, if she didn’t completely hate him before then she definitely would now. This should be so easy. Everyone else is doing fine. How was he pathetic enough to be completely incapacitated by something so fucking simple. Just do it. Just start. Just do something, before they all realise that you’re useless and the one thing you managed to fraud them into believing you were good for was just an empty promise. You’ve finally shown your true colours, and you’re too busy throwing a pity party for your own incompetence to make the most of the last few minutes you have left before they finally cut their losses and ditch you for good. Why would anyone want to put up with you after seeing how weak, stupid, useless, pathetic—
“Adrien? Are you ok?” Nino’s calm voice cut through his spiralling thoughts, and Adrien blinked rapidly as he tried to clear away the remnants of his internal breakdown and take stock of what was happening. Nino was standing in front of him, all but pinning him to the desk due to the cramped classroom. His face was full of concern and he had a hand gently resting on Adrien’s bicep, subconsciously rubbing soothing circles with his thumb. Then Adrien spotted Marinette on the other side of the room, animatedly chatting with Alya, and he must have stared at her a bit too long because Nino interrupted his thoughts again, “She’ll probably be over there for a while, you were looking kinda rough and I figured you wouldn’t want an audience when I checked on you so I gave her a fake reason to talk to Alya, and well, you know how long that can last.” Adrien would’ve giggled at that if it weren’t for the shame and exhaustion that had taken root inside of him.
He studied Nino’s face again and watched the concern be overrun by awkwardness with every passing second of silence. Adrien had already let him down enough today, the least he could do was cooperate with Nino who was going out of his way to check on someone who was actively weighing him down. Maybe he thought there was a good reason Adrien was slacking off? Something he could fix, instead of Adrien just being lazy, and stupid, and—
No.
He’s had enough of those thoughts for one day.
Adrien cleared his throat and tried to muster up the best model smile he could as he finally responded, “Sorry— uh— thanks. That's really nice of you,” he felt his cheeks warm with embarrassment and looked down at his shoes, “sorry I’m not much help, I didn’t mean to make you worry, I’m just a bit distracted today I guess.”
Nino squeezed his arm before finally letting go and taking a step back, he seemed reluctant to accept Adrien’s answer but chose not to push it. “Ok dude, I’m here if you ever wanna talk though yeah?” Adrien nodded, and for a second the smile plastered on his face was genuine, “Good, then I guess I should go get Marinette before we lose her for good.” Nino offered him a bright smile before turning and walking away to retrieve his wayward friend, and Adrien tried to pull himself together enough to make it through the rest of the lesson. He only had to last 30 more minutes before lunch would begin and he’d finally be able to escape the noisy classroom and get some rest.
Before he knew it, Nino was back at his side, with Marinette in tow, and he slid his notebook in front of Adrien and delegated him a task, “I’ve already written down all the chemical combinations, just go down the list and put in what colour they turn when we mix them.” Adrien nodded and took a steadying breath as Nino and Marinette got to work mixing various test tubes.
They’d made it through about four trials before it happened. A small wave of nausea rolled through Adrien, settling uncomfortably in his stomach, not enough to alarm him but enough for him to notice. He tried to put it to the back of his mind, it was probably just residual anxiety that he hadn’t noticed until now.
Marinette turned to him, holding a test tube halfway full of yellow liquid, and asked “Did you get—”
He didn’t hear the rest of her question, too distracted by the jolt of fear that ran through him as his hearing was suddenly muffled. Marinette, the other groups' conversations, Ms. Mendeleiev scolding someone across the room, even the air conditioner, everything suddenly sounded like it was underwater. His grip on reality slipped a little, the disorientation of almost completely losing one of his senses somehow managing to make him feel both over- and under-stimulated.
He saw Nino turn towards him and say something, probably calling his name, and he tried his best to bury the anxiety that was starting to creep its way up his throat. He knew from experience that if he concentrated hard enough he could still make out what people were saying, so he looked at Marinette and smiled politely, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that, what did you say?” Most of Adrien’s focus went into keeping his voice at a reasonable volume, he couldn’t hear himself talk and knew he could very easily give himself away by speaking too loudly or softly. But judging by their unphased expressions and Marinette’s quick, unflustered, response, he’d probably gotten away with it. Marinette smiled back at him and repeated her question, “Oh, no worries, I just asked if you’d written this one down yet.” She held the test tube up again and shook it gently for emphasis.
“Yeah I got it, you can start the next one.” he held his voice at a steady volume and tried to keep the panic off of his face as a faint wave of dizziness hit him.
“Awesome, five down, five to go!” Adrien hoped her cheeriness was enough to keep Nino distracted, he may be able to fool Marinette but Nino had always been much better at reading him, Adrien knew his calm façade was starting to slip and it was only a matter of time before he lost control enough for Nino to notice. It would only take one more rattling experience like making a mistake, something breaking, someone shouting, or—
Oh no.
Darkness spread across his vision instantaneously, the world had gone completely black with vague dots and streaks of brightness. It was as if he had his eyes squeezed shut, but no matter how much he blinked or looked around, all he could see was darkness. It was more than a little disorienting, the only reason he believed his eyes were still open was because he could feel himself blinking, which he’d need to stop doing so much of if he wanted to maintain his thin veil of composure.
He'd passed out enough times already to know that’s where this was going, next he’d lose his sense of touch, and then he’d completely lose consciousness. He knew he should do something, if he sat on the floor with his head between his knees or lay on his back then the onslaught of sensory deprivation would end and he’d avoid passing out. But the last thing he wanted right now was to draw attention to himself, and he’d been enough of a burden on Nino and Marinette today, he didn’t want to worry them with something like this. It happened often enough that he wasn’t bothered by it, well, that’s not completely true, there’s always an instinctive level of fear he feels when all his senses are ripped away from him one by one as his body shuts down and detaches from the world around him, but by the time he’s recovered enough to realise he’s on the ground he’s not remotely worried anymore. He resigned himself to maintaining a death grip on the workbench in front of him and powering through the rest of the symptoms.
It was progressing unusually slowly, so much so that was almost able to convince himself that he wasn’t actually fainting. Maybe it was just really, really, really, really, really, delayed vertigo from when he stood up from his desk. It would pass any second now. He just had to keep it together for a little bit longer, he’d just keep hold of his pen and stare at the place where he was seventy-five per cent sure Nino’s notebook was and then his vision and hearing would come back and everything would be fine. Everything would be fine, any second now, any—
Oh no.
Oh no, no, no.
A surge of pins and needles moved scorched-earth style through every nerve in Adrien’s body, stripping him of any remaining sensory input. His whole body was numb, and he felt a stab of anxiety through his chest as he lost his final tether to reality, he couldn’t hear anything, couldn’t see anything, couldn’t feel anything. He was completely disconnected from his body, he could try to speak or move around but he had no way of perceiving whether it worked. He had no way of knowing if he’d gone completely limp or if he was still clutching the workbench like a lifeline. An akuma could burst into the room and cut all his limbs off and he’d have absolutely no idea. It wasn’t numbness like pins and needles where you feel a pulsating tingle, it was completely empty, he’d lost all connection to everything other than his thoughts. All he could do now was desperately will his body to stay standing and pray that it worked.
But before he could completely spiral he felt his body return to him, he was flooded with the noise of classroom chatter and slowly opened his eyes – when had he closed them? – to find himself staring up at the school nurse. He was lying down on the cold tiled floor with his knees raised, dutifully held in place by Alya who gave him a calm smile as she gently rubbed his thigh, “Welcome back sunshine.” she said to him softly.
He only gave himself a moment to relish in the return of his sight, hearing, and touch before he smiled back at Alya and tried to push himself up into a sitting position.
“Woah, just take it slowly for a bit,” the nurse said as she rushed to wrap her arms around his shoulders and hold him steady as he sat up. She watched him intently, and it was only then that he began to wonder when she’d gotten there.
“It’s ok, I don’t feel dizzy or anything” he said, and it was true that he felt completely fine now – well, as close to fine as he’d been that day – but it was obvious that she didn’t quite believe him.
“You hit your head quite hard sweetheart, I just want to be completely sure that you’re alright before you start moving around again.” She dropped her hands from his shoulders and scooted around slightly so that she could look him properly in the eyes.
“Huh? I didn’t hit my head.” if he wasn’t still feeling a little unsettled he would’ve had the conscious thought to keep that to himself, but instead, he was met with the nurse’s raised eyebrow.
“When you collapsed you hit your head on the metal poles on the floor under your workbench.” she said, gesturing to something behind him.
“I would definitely remember if I hit my head on that.” he didn’t even have time to realise the irony of his statement before he heard Alya snort in a poor attempt to conceal her laughter.
The nurse did a much better job of holding back her giggling and looked at Adrien with only a slightly wider smile than before, “You definitely hit your head, and you’ll probably feel a bit out of sorts for a while regardless of whether or not it did any damage. Besides, you fainted, and you were unconscious for almost three minutes so even if you feel fine I’m still going to check for a concussion, ok?”
He nodded before he’d really even processed everything she’d said, but it made a lot of sense. He didn’t feel like he’d ever lost consciousness but he must have at some point if he had to open his eyes, and apparently he was out long enough to hit his head on a metal pole and land on the tiled floor, have the pain of both those things completely fade, be re-positioned, and give the nurse enough time to be called and walk to the classroom before he woke up. He gingerly manoeuvred himself to sit cross-legged and tried not to think about how scary it was that he’d been so sure he never even lost consciousness when he’d actually been out for three whole minutes.
“Why don’t we go sit outside and have a chat.” the nurse held out her hands for Adrien to take and helped pull him to his feet, he suddenly felt dizzy and began to lose his vision again, he inhaled sharply as the fear of losing control returned. He heard the nurse’s calm voice as one strong hand gripped his bicep and the other held his waist to steady him, “You’re alright sweetheart, I’ve got you.”
The dizziness faded and his vision cleared, “I’m ok now.” he mumbled.
“Alright then, let’s take it slow.” she said warmly, she called out instructions over her shoulder as she guided Adrien out of the classroom and over to a picnic bench in the courtyard. She helped him sit down and began asking standard questions like his name, the year, the current president, and what he’d been doing in class that morning. Eventually Alya walked over and gave him his water bottle and an icy pole to help raise his blood sugar. The nurse sat with him while he finished them both, and agreed to let him go back to class once she was satisfied that he was concussion-free and no longer a fainting risk.
By the time he’d made it back to class everyone was packing up, so he tried to sneak in without drawing too much attention and packed his things back into his bag. He knew everyone would have questions, but he really wasn't in the mood to talk about it. And he almost thought he’d gotten away with it until Nino spotted him and immediately rushed over from where he’d been wiping down their workbench. As he got closer Adrien noticed his red-rimmed eyes that seemed to fill with tears again as he began frantically apologising, “I’m so sorry mec, I should’ve pushed more before when you were being weird but I didn’t and then you fainted and oh man you hit your head and I just panicked but I should’ve helped,” he took a deep breath and took one of Adrien’s hands into his own, “Alya was so good and she didn’t even see it happen, but I was right there and I just stared. I’m so, so, sorry Adrien, I—”
“Nino. Relax,” Adrien took an exaggerated breath and gestured for Nino to copy with his free hand, “it’s ok, you didn’t do anything wrong. This just happens to me sometimes, I’m fine, it’s not a big deal.” He couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face at the thought of Nino being this worked up just because he cared about him.
“Dude!” They both flinched slightly at Nino’s raised voice, but luckily everyone else was chatting loudly enough that it went unnoticed, “Don’t say that, even if it’s happened before it was still super scary and you could’ve been seriously hurt. You don’t have to be ok with it just because you’re used to it.”
But before Adrien could respond, the lunch bell rang. Nino squeezed Adrien’s hand before reluctantly releasing it, a silent promise that the conversation wasn’t over. The boys were joined by Alya and Marinette and the four of them headed out to find a table for lunch.
They ate in relative silence, with only Alya and Marinette’s small talk filling the air. Nino was clearly still hung up on what happened in class, and Adrien was beginning to dread having to talk about it.
Once they’d all finished eating, Alya was the one to finally address the elephant in the room, “So, what was that all about sunshine?”
Adrien took a deep breath before answering, “I just fainted I guess, it’s—” he managed to catch himself before saying it wasn’t a big deal, not wanting to start Nino on that rant again, “it happens to me sometimes, it’s probably just low iron or something. I get vertigo a lot when I stand up, but the fainting happens randomly, and the build-up is completely internal, you couldn’t have known anything was going to happen.” he finished, glancing at Nino.
“You feel it coming?”
“Sort of, I start to lose all my senses one by one before I actually pass out and sometimes it happens slowly enough that I have time to stop it, but that doesn’t always happen.” he carefully avoids telling them that he had plenty of time to stop that one.
“Oh my god that sounds awful, how do you make it stop? Is it something we can help with?”
“Yeah I guess it’s sort of freaky, but if I sit on the floor with my head between my knees, or lay down like I was when I woke up, then it usually goes away before it escalates to fully passing out. There’s not really anything you guys can do to stop it, just try to catch me I guess.” He tried to lighten the mood a bit, but only Alya seemed to appreciate the joke, Nino and Marinette looked much too horrified.
“You don’t need to act like you’re fine with it,” Nino said, meeting Adrien’s eyes for the first time since they’d left the classroom, “everything you’ve said about it sounds awful, and you looked really scared when you stood up afterwards. We’re your friends dude, we’re here for you. If it really bothers you, even just a little bit, you can tell us, we want to help you feel better.”
He'd hoped none of them saw him panic when the dizziness hit him again, but clearly that was in vain. If this conversation had happened in the morning he would’ve brushed off Nino’s concern and assured him it was ok. But Adrien was tired, he was so tired, and it’d been so long since he had someone to talk to openly. Besides, this was about the only problem he had right now that he could actually talk about without putting the entire city in danger.
“I…It’s never happened that slowly before” – so much for pretending he couldn’t have stopped it – “which gave me way more time to actually think about what was happening, and it’s all the stuff that comes beforehand that scares me, not the actual fainting part.”
“The sensory deprivation?” Marinette asked meekly, “Is that what scares you?”
“Yeah,” Adrien subconsciously rubbed the back of his neck as the memories started to come back to him in full force, “it’s— there’s nothing like it, you can actually feel your body shutting down, I had no idea what was going on and I’d never really thought about it before but I had no idea when I actually lost consciousness. I was so sure that it never happened, but it must have, and it was really, really, scary to realise how much time I lost without even knowing.” His voice began to shake and tears filled his eyes, Nino shuffled closer and began rubbing comforting circles on his back, “Usually I’m only out for a few seconds, or I have dreams while I’m unconscious so I can actually remember it happening. But for the first time, I had no reference for how long it was. I don’t know if I’m even making sense anymore, I— I just hated losing that much control for so long.”
Adrien tried to focus on the feeling of Nino’s hand, letting it ground him as his mind threatened to drag him back into a spiral of panic. His attempt to hold back his tears was in vain, and as they began cascading down his cheeks Nino pulled him into a side hug and let him rest his head on his shoulder as he covered his mouth with his hand to stifle his ragged breathing. “I’m sorry you had to go through that, it sounds awful dude.” Nino said softly.
A small smile crept across Alya’s face as she put a reassuring arm around Marinette who looked like she might start crying herself, “So what you’re saying is it’s the world's worst sensory deprivation tank?”
Adrien giggled a bit, appreciating the change in tone, and lifted his head off Nino’s shoulder to reply, “If that’s what a sensory deprivation tank feels like then I have serious questions for everyone who voluntarily uses one, let alone enjoys it.”
Marinette hesitantly made eye contact with him before she added, “Maybe it’s less scary if you know it’s coming, if you have control over it.”
Adrien thought for a moment, “If you know that you can make it stop, and how it will end. Even if you can’t feel anything you still know you’re just floating in a tank, I have absolutely no idea if I’m still standing at a table or lying on the floor bleeding out from cracking my skull open.” He saw Mairnette and Nino grimace, and his voice cracked as he fought back tears, “I could be dying and I’d have absolutely no idea. It’s terrifying, it’s absolutely terrifying.” His tears were spilling over again, he tried to wipe them away but it wasn't enough, so he resigned himself to burying his face in his hands.
“Mec.” Nino whispered, he turned to face Adrien fully and peeled his hands away from his face, beginning to wipe his tears away himself.
Adrien felt the guilt snake its way up his throat as he caught the pained expression on Nino’s face through his tears, “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m crying so much, I guess I’ve just never talked about it this much before. I—”
He cut himself off with a sob and Nino immediately pulled him into his arms, rocking them back and forth gently as he whispered calming things to him. Adrien buried his face in Nino’s shoulder and finally let go of the anxiety and exhaustion that had been building inside him for weeks. “It’s ok mec, it’s over now, I’ve got you.”
Adrien’s sobbing subsides after a few minutes, but Nino keeps him securely in his arms for the rest of lunch. He lets the girls – mostly Alya – handle the talking, occasionally chipping in if he spots a good pun opportunity since Adrien is too catatonic to take it himself.
Nino knows this is far more vulnerability than Adrien is used to, so even though there are plenty more things from today he wants to bring up, for now he’s perfectly content just holding his best friend in his arms, savouring the way he leans into him.
He tries not to wonder how long it’s been since Adrien was comforted like this.