Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Steven lay down on something fluffy and infinitely soft. He couldn’t quite remember how he got here… There was a fight, maybe? A fight… and some bright light…

Well, whatever that fight was, it must be over by now, clearly. Maybe he passed out and someone dragged him to bed? Yeah, that made sense. ‘Cept his bed was much softer than it usually was, and fluffier, to boot. Maybe this was somebody else’s house? He’d have to ask where they got this bed…

Soft voices filtered into Steven’s ears. He grumbled, burrowing further into the bed. He wasn’t quite ready to wake up yet.

“Sorry, kid, but you do have to wake up now.” A hand rubbed his back gently.

Steven grumbled. He wasn’t a kid.

“Sure, you aren’t.” The voice assured. “C’mon.” Another hand joined the first, and they moved to pick him up.

Steven pushed blindly away at the person picking him up from behind. He could get up himself, thank you very much. He stood up slowly, blearily opening his eyes. Overly bright, whit light hit his pupils, and he squinted, waiting for his eyes to adjust.

“Who keeps their house this bright?” He mumbled.

“God does.” The voice answered. As if that was an answer.

Steven blinked a few times, the brightness in his vision slowly fading. This place… It didn’t look like the house of anybody he knew. The “bed” he was standing on wasn’t a bed, but clouds. More clouds fully seemed to cover the sky, Their colors ranging from the usual white to blue, red, and pink. He couldn’t tell where the sun was through the heavy cover, the clouds scattering the light so much that it seemed to be coming from everywhere at once.

“What planet are we on?” Steven asked. “The fight is over, isn’t it?” He added, no longer sure.

“Oh, I’m certain whatever fight you were in is well and over, Steven.”

Steven turned around to face the person. They looked rather inhuman, with their wings and lack of a nose. They had the same pastel color scheme as the clouds around them, and a white halo over their head. They stood in front of fancy golden gates. Hovering behind their shoulder stood a much larger person, who had six wings and fancier attire (down to an even fancier halo).

“I’m not dead.” Steven whispered to himself. “I’m not supposed to die.”

The smaller person held out his hand. “Unfortunately Steven,” they stated, “it looks like you are.”

Steven numbly took the person’s hand. They gently laid their other hand on Steven’s own. “My name is St. Peter.” They (he?) introduced. He waved to the other person behind him. “And this is Sera.”

“I’m in heaven.” Steven stated, the shock not letting him feel emotion. “I’m in heaven.”

St. Peter winced. “Well, not really.”

Steven harshly pulled away from St. Peter “What do you mean not really? It’s either heaven or-”

“Hell?” Sera finished for him. “That’s how it’s supposed to go, but…” She pulled a book out from behind her. “Well, just look at this.” She flipped open to a page and pointed. He followed her finger to find his name, written in golden calligraphy.

Steven Universe

He lifted a hand to trace it, not understanding the meaning but knowing the significance. He gasped when it seemed to flicker in and out, like it wasn’t meant to be there.

“It seems,” Sera explained, “Like we don’t have full jurisdiction over your soul. This is entirely unprecedented.”

Steven rubbed his finger against his name, feeling the soft texture of the paper. Everything here seemed to be some form of soft. “Right, you probably don’t control Gem souls.” He murmured.

“Gem souls?” Sera asked. “Gems are inanimate rocks. They don’t have souls.”

Steven looked up at her. “You don’t know about Gems? The aliens?”

“I assure you, there are no aliens.” Sera intoned, like she was talking to a dull child. “If you had a mental disorder when you were alive-”

“I’m not hallucinating, Sera. Ask anyone who’s died in the last three years, and they’ll know about them.”

Sera sighed, dragging a hand down her face. “St. Peter?”

“He seems confident enough, ma’am.” St. Peter wringed his hands. “It’s your call.”

Sera snapped her fingers. A deer-person popped into existence next to their group. “Elizabeth Jones.” Sera looked over at her. “What do you know about aliens.”

“Um?” Elizabeth blinked. “Well, they came to Earth a couple years back with some sort of peace treaty? I don’t know? I was never really into politics?”

“What are they called?”

“I think they’re called Gems?”

“Thank you for your assistance, Elizabeth.” Sera snapped her fingers again, and the woman disappeared. She turned back to Steven.

“See?” Steven offered. Sera raised an eyebrow. “I’m guessing you’ve never gotten a Gem up here.” He continued.

Sera nodded.

“Well, I’m a half Gem, so if you don’t deal in Gem souls…”

“Then you only half belong in heaven, and half somewhere else.” Sera groaned. “And we’re going to have to have some sort of soul custody battle.”

“Or I could just call my family and have them bring me back from the dead?” Steven offered. When that got him only confused stares, he continued. “We did that on accident with Lars Barriga a few years ago? Did you ever get his name?”

“His name showed up in my book for a few minutes before disappearing.” St. Peter said. “I thought it was a clerical error.”

“We are not letting your family do necromancy.” Sera pinched the bridge of her not-nose. “Covorting with demons to raise the dead is a sin.”

“Well, seeing as how I was the one to do the necromancy, and I’m not in hell…”

Sera stared at Steven incredulously. “You raised the dead.” She stated.

“Yes.”

“And you wound up in heaven?”

Steven shrugged. “My tears have magic in them.” He explained.

“Magic that can raise the dead.”

“Yes.”

“And it isn’t demonic magic?”

“It’s Gem magic.”

Sera raised her hands in exasperation. “Can’t we just shuffle him off to wherever Gems have their afterlife?”

“I’m certain we could!” St. Peter responded. “If we knew where and what the Gem after life is?” He turned to Steven.

Steven shrugged. “If there is one, I’ve never heard of it.”

“Wonderful.” Sera said, sarcasm lacing her voice. “Well, in that case, you are banned from asking your family to raise you from the dead. Even if doing it on accident isn’t a sin, doing it on purpose probably is.”

“They’re probably going to do it anyway the moment they find my body.”

“Fine! Whatever! As long as we can stop talking such blasphemy!”

“Alright.” Steven shrugged. “Can I enter heaven now, or-”

Suddenly his vision started flashing pink. “Oh, nevermind, it seems that I’m being revived! Goodbye!”

***

He woke up in the fountain, looking up at the Gems and Connie.

“Oh, hey guys. Thanks for bringing me back.”

“Steven, if you ever jump in front of a bomb like that again, I will kill you myself.” Connie warned.

“So that’s how I died. Good to know. By the way, heaven exists and I’m pretty sure they hate me.”

Chapter Text

“Hello again!”

St. Peter did a double take upon seeing Steven appear in heaven again. “You’re back?”

“Yep! And I didn’t even have to die this time!”

“That’s not- You’re not- That’s not possible!”

“It is now! If you could get Sera here for me, that’d be great.”

St. Peter gaped at Steven for a full minute before scrambling for what looked like a radio.

“This is St. Peter calling in.” He spoke into it. “The Universe boy is back, claiming to still be alive, and is requesting to speak to Sera.”

Sera teleported to the gate with a flourish of sparkles. A smaller angel was with her this time, fluttering nervously around her shoulder.

“It’s been a week.” Sera gritted out.

“I’m aware.” Steven replied.

“How did you manage to die again in a single week?” She seethed.

“I’m not dead.”

“Then how did you get here!?”

“Oh, I just asked some friends of mine to develop a machine that could create portals between different levels of reality. It was a piece of cake, really.”

“In a week!”

“Yeah?”

“How!?”

“Well, they took some of my blood and a portal-”

“Are you sure you’re not a demon?”

“No? It’s pretty normal for a Gem’s body fluids to be magic. Well, for the Gems that have body fluids, anyway, and not just holographic tears.”

“Um, Sera?” The smaller angel spoke up. “What’s happening?”

Sera sighed. “This,” She pointed to Steven. “Is Steven Universe.”

“Hello!” Steven waved.

“He’s somehow managed to access heaven twice in the span of a week despite not belonging here.”

“Well, my name was on the book the first time.”

“And it isn’t now!” Sera shouted.

“Actually, it never left.” St. Peter spoke.

Sera made a wordless scream of frustration.

“Wait, he managed to leave heaven?” The smaller angel asked.

“Well, Emily,” St. Peter explained, “It seems that Steven’s family has found a way to raise the dead without having it be a sin.”

“Oh,” The angel, Emily, replied. “Well, if his name is on the book, then I don’t see a problem?’

“He’s not even dead this time!” Sera screamed.

“Maybe being undead still counts as being dead?” Emily offered.

“What are you even here for, anyway!”  Sera turned back to Steven, “Since you can apparently just come and go as you please!”

“Oh, I just wanted to ask a few questions is all. First off: What gets someone into heaven?”

“Oh, well, we know someone’s made it to heaven when their name appears on St. Peter’s book.” Emily answered. Sera seemed to be trying her best to claw her eyes out.

“Okay, but what gets someone’s name on the book?”

“Oh, well..” Emily pondered. “Sera, do we know what gets a person’s name on St. Peter’s book.”

“We do not.” Sera replied.

“Oh, well that’s disappointing. Moving on then; Have you been able to find what the Gem afterlife is? I’ve searched around and it doesn’t seem like they have any myths or stories on it.”

“We don’t know that either. It’s only been a week.”

“Well, yes, but can’t you ask the big guy upstairs about it?”

“Move on to the next question.” Sera ordered.

“Okay then! Last question; Do you know of any safe spaces in Hell I could teleport to?”

“Why.” Sera despaired. “Would you want. To go to HELL???”

“Because giving people eternal torment with no way out is an inherently unjust system, and I would like to figure out a way to change that. Maybe we can find a way to redeem those sent to hell so they can earn their way to heaven instead?”

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE OR I SWEAR TO-”

Steven pushed a button on a remote in his pocket, teleporting him out before Sera could finish her threat.

Chapter Text

Steven popped into existence in hell. Surprisingly, Pearl and Garnet popped into existence right next to him. Steven gave a happy hum upon noticing.

“Guess hell isn’t as strict about visitors as heaven is.”

He turned to Garnet. She tilted her head northward, so that’s the direction the trio went. They walked a leisurely pace for forty minutes, until Garnet suddenly stopped and pointed to a deer man from across the street.

The trio, completely disregarding the fact that everyone else on the street seemed to be trying to keep 50 feet away from the guy, approached him.

“Hello, sir.” Steven greeted as he walked up to the guy. “My name is Steven Universe.”

The deer man blinked each of his eyes separately. “Give me one reason not to kill you right now.” He spoke, sounding completely and utterly bored of the entire interaction. He kept a placid smile on his face.

“Wow, the last time I saw someone get annoyed this quickly was when I was up bothering heaven!”

“Ah, so I’ve attracted a group of schizophrenics! How wonderful. I’m sure you’re very amusing at the mental institution they normally keep you at, but I’m not in the mood to be talking to the clinically insane right now.” The man’s pupils turned to radio dials, his smile growing more real and much more sharp. “Goodbye!”

A large, black tentacle shot out of the ground and swiped at him. Garnet and Pearl teleported back out before it could ever hit them, and Steven simply ducked right under it.

“Y’know, I was hoping for the first person I talked to in hell wouldn’t try to kill me instantly,” Steven quipped, “But it’s a good thing we prepared for that!”

“Your friends teleported.” The deer man noted, his eyes turning back to normal.

“That they did.”

“A fairly powerful group of demons, then!” The man’s smile became less sharp, but only in the sense that it had less teeth.

“Sure.” Steven shrugged. “That’s what we are.” He snapped his fingers, and Garnet and Pearl returned to his side with a flash of light.

The man tilted his head “It is strange,” he noted, coming in closer, “too see a group of demons…” he flicked Pearl’s gem, “playing dress up as those new aliens back on Earth.” He leaned down to smile directly in her face. “Unless our old alien saviors aren’t as righteous as they appear?”

Pearl stared blankly at him. The man tsked and backed off. “What is it that your little group wants?”

“To speak with the ruler of hell.” Steven responded. “Satan. Lucifer. The Devil. Whatever he goes by.”

The man laughed. It sounded the slightest bit hysteric. “You think you can just walk up to the first demon you see and ask to speak to the king of hell? You lot really are insane!” He slapped his knee, wheezing.

“How about a trade then?” Steven offered. “Anything you want from Earth, for a meeting with the king?”

The man laughed. “Sure thing! I’ll take a puppy! I’ll take him on a walk in the beautiful park, singing kumbaya!” He mocked. “It’s a deal!” He held out his hand.

Steven shook it. The shadows screamed at them. “Wonderful working with you, Mr.?”

“Alastor!” The demon greeted. “I hope you know that the penalty for breaking a deal tends to be quite painful, indeed!”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that.” Steven nodded to Garnet, who vanished. She returned a short time later holding a golden retriever pup. “Your puppy.”

Alastor picked up the pup with one hand. It wagged its tail, smiling at him. He tested the dog, roughly poking and prodding at it. “This is a real dog.”

“That he is.”

“Intriguing.” Alastor noted. He grabbed the top of the dog’s head. “Yes, this is very interesting, isn’t it, little mongrel?”

SNAP

He dropped the dead dog on the ground. “Whoops,” his smile grew, and he stared Steven directly in the eye. “Looks like the mutt was a bit fragile.”

Steven breathed in and out, slowly, giving himself a minute to freak out internally. “Pearl.”

Pearl picked up the dead dog, depositing it in her gem.

“If you’ll take us to meet the king, then?” Steven asked, putting on his best poker face. His poker face happened to also be a smile.

“Oh, I don’t actually know him personally.” Alastor shrugged. “But I do know his daughter!”

“Close enough.”

Alastor snapped his fingers, and a portal opened up into a lobby. “Charlie, my dear,” He called as he entered the portal, “You have visitors!” He gestured to the trio, who followed through the portal. It closed off behind them.

“New guests!” A well-dressed demon (presumably Charlie) gasped, “Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel!” She enthusiastically greeted; arms raised as if to hug them.

Steven accepted the hug, a genuine smile crossing his face. “We’re not looking to stay, but thanks for the hospitality!” He gave a good squeeze, then let her go.

She grabbed both his hands, smiling wide. “Of course! Anyone’s welcome here, even if you’re only going to stay the night! The Hazbin Hotel is a safe space for everyone!”

“Oh that’s a wonderful idea! You must really care for you citizens!”

“Oh, they’re wonderful people once you look past their flaws!”

“Uh,” a grey-purple demon butted in, “I hate to ruin whatever positivity feedback loop you have going on there, but why are these people here?”

Charlie perked up “Right, we haven’t even done any introductions!”

“Hun-”

Charlie then went on to enthusiastically point out every single other person who was in the hotel with them.

“And that’s all six people who live here!”

“And only five of those people are employees.” Alastor remarked.

“And Angel Dust is making wonderful progress towards redemption!” Charlie brushed off Alastor’s snark.

“Redemption?” Steven asked.

“That’s what the hotel’s for. Of course, nobody’s been able to make it to heaven yet, but it’ll happen eventually! I just know it!”

“Huh. That’s actually what were here for.”

Charlie’s eyes sparkled with the force of her excitement. “You’re here to get redeemed?”

“Oh, no, none of us are dead yet. We came here from Earth looking to help redeem sinners.”

Steven heard the sound of someone at the bar spitting out their drink. Charlie froze and squeaked out a small “what.”

“Alastor can vouch for us.”

Charlie looked over to Alastor. He shrugged. “They did manage to travel and grab an item for me from Earth, and claimed to also be able to access heaven.”

Steven smiled at Charlie. She stared back in shock. A full minute passed before she managed to shake herself out of it. “And you want to help redeem sinners?” She asked softly, almost whispering.

“The less people in hell, the better.” Steven smiled softly at her. “And of course, we’ll be trying to get heaven’s help with this.”

Charlie shook out of her stupor. “Yes, yes of course!” She shouted, vibrating like an overexcited chihuahua. “This’ll be so much easier with your help! How many people do you have? What do you know about getting into heaven? Wait – I should call my dad; he can get us a meeting! They’ll be sure to listen now that a living person is on our side!”

“It’ll be great doing business with you!”

Chapter Text

“I AM NOT GOING TO CALM DOWN.” Sera fumed.

“Okay!” Emily held her hands up. “Keep being mad then!”

“I WILL!”

“I didn’t mean that literally!”

“I KNOW!”

“Can somebody tell me what’s going on?” The archangel Micheal butted in.

“Micheal!” Both seraphim jumped in shock.

“I could hear you two arguing from the opposite side of the palace.” Micheal explained calmly. “What’s going on.”

“It’s that fucking Universe kid!” Sera cried.

“I have no clue who you’re talking about.”

“He’s just- He’s just some guy!!”

“Okay?”

“He’s just some fucking kid! Why is he allowed in heaven!”

“Children, as a general rule, tend to be allowed into heaven by default, Sera.”

“Even kids who do fucking necromancy? Who disrespect the idea of heaven and God with their- with their bull shittery! The audacity of that little-”

“Alright, I’m cutting you off right there. Emily, can you please explain what’s going on?”

“Well, um. Apparently there’s aliens? And the aliens don’t go to heaven or hell when they die, but there’s this one half-alien kid named Steven Universe that we don’t really know what to do with when he dies again? If he dies again?”

“Does the kid dying multiple times have to do with the necromancy?”

“Apparently he can do necromancy without it being a sin, and his name is still in St. Peter’s book despite him being no longer dead.”

“Okay.” Micheal paused for a moment. “I am going to get the other archangels. And some alcohol.”

“Isn’t drinking a sin?”

“Only if you’re Muslim.”

***

“Okay, but clearly God must like the guy if he’s getting away with necromancy.” Gabriel argued.

“But shouldn’t we have known about the aliens, then? We know about everything else pertaining to humanity.” Uriel asked. “I am literally the archangel of wisdom and I didn’t know about the aliens.”

“I think I have a hair stuck-” Sera interrupted, somehow already drunk. “-stuck in the back of my throat. I need less hair. I’m. I’m gonna cut it all off.” Everyone ignored her.

“You’re the archangel of wisdom, not knowledge.” Azrael shot back. “Obviously, we didn’t know about them because they’re new to Earth.”

“Azrael, when Steven died did you see him?” Michael asked

“I should learn guitar.” Sera whispered into her whiskey. “I’ll be such a good hippie.”

“Probably? I don’t pay attention to everyone I lead to heaven; there’s too many of them.”

“Um, I’m looking this up on Earth internet, and it says that Gems actually first came to Earth 6,000 years ago.” Emily spoke.

Everyone looked over at her, emotions ranging from curious to horrified.

“How. Did we. Not know about this?” Uriel hissed.

“Well, it says that they left after a group of them started civil war over what to do with the planet, and then only came back recently because the civil war finally ended.” Emily continued.

“What the fuck.” Uriel said. “What the fuck.”

“I don’t even have a real name” Sera started crying. “Sera is just short for Seraphim. What the fuck kind of name is that?”

“Maybe they’re not under God’s domain?” Emily asked.

Everyone turned to stare at her again. Except for Sera, who was downing whiskey like nobody’s business.

“I don’t think I should have to explain how utterly blasphemous saying that is.” Gabriel said, gently taking the glass from Sera.

“No, no that’s not blasphemy, that’s heresy.” Azrael argued.

“Oh my Lord, everyone shut up.” Micheal massaged his temples. “Emily, please, what are you talking about?”

“It’s like- like if I named a human child. Named him some shit like Guy or something.” Sera continued. “Emily. Emly. Don’t name your kid Guy.”

“Um, that’s great, Sera.” Emily gave Sera a pat on the back. “Anyway, Steven’s the only Gem who’s been in heaven, and his name was apparently flickering in St. Peter’s book, like it was only half there, or something.”

“So, the only Gem to make it to heaven only half made it? What, do all Gems by default go to hell?” Azrael asked.

“Well, no.” Emily furrowed her brow. “I checked our records for people in hell, and there’s no Gems there, either. And there’s still nothing in purgatory.”

“So Gem souls go somewhere else entirely. Somewhere we have no control over.” Michael stated.

“…because they don’t fall under God’s domain. They don’t fall under our domain.” Emily finished for him.

Jophiel walked by the doorway to the room. “Oh, hey Gabriel, can I have some of that whiskey?”

“Oh my God, Jophiel, you aren’t even a part of this fucking conversation!” Uriel argued.

“No more alcohol! There’s been enough drinking today.” Gabirel said.

“Sera seems to be having fun with it.”

“Sera wants to change her name to Addaleigh.”

“Nooooo…” Sera drooled on the table. “It needs another – hic – another three vowels.”

“How is she getting more drunk? I took away her alcohol.” Gabriel asked.

“I think she has a stash in the hammer space in her dress.” Emily spoke.

“Jophiel, get Sera out of the room.” Michael ordered. “And get her into therapy once she sobers up.”

“You guys are no fun.” Jophiel grumbled. She picked up Sera and held her in a fireman’s carry. “If she pukes on me, you owe me one.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Micheal sighed. “Let’s get back on topic, please? If the Gems weren’t made by our God, maybe they have their own God they were made by? Gabriel, would you have any ideas on contacting a foreign God?”

“I haven’t even been able to talk to our God since that shit with Jesus.” Gabriel spoke. “How do you expect me to contact some other God?”

“I don’t know, Gabriel! We’re working in entirely new territory here!”

“Have you though of just asking a Gem who their God is, and going from there?” Uriel asked.

Micheal blinked. “Uriel you’re a Godsend and I love you.”

“We’re all Godsent.”

“Uriel, shut the fuck up.”

“So, um, do we have a way to talk to a Gem? We’re not allowed to interact Earth’s plane of existence directly.” Emily asked.

“If that Steven kid shows up again, we can ask him, right?” Azrael said. “Where is he, anyway?”

“Oh, I think he went to try and redeem sinners in hell?”

“Gabriel give me that fucking drink-”

Chapter Text

“So, now we got alien chicks helpin’ with tha’ hotel” Angel Dust remarked, leaning against the bar counter.

“Yep.” Husk replied.

“And they’re bein’ led by a zombie Jesus metaphor.”

“What- no, wait, I don’t actually want to know the context to that. Don’t tell me.”

“And none of ‘em have dicks!”

“They’re women.”

“You’re the only puss I’m interested in, kitty. ‘Sides, they ain’t got any a’ that either.”

“Flirt with me again and I’ll punch you in the throat.”

Angel lifted a set of hands in surrender. “Alright, alright!” He pouted. “You’re no fun.” Then, whispering, he continued. “Coulda’ at least threatened to choke me. Then I’da had somethin’ to build off of.”

“What?”

“How soon d’ya think Alastor’s gonna start a dick measuring contest with th’ new guy?” Angel pivoted as a distraction. “I’m givin’ him two weeks, tops.”

“As if he isn’t already doing that.”

“Think he uses a ruler?”

“A ruler for what?” Alastor, the creep, popped out of the shadows to ask.

Angel flinched, “Speak a’ the fuckin’ Devil! You ain’t got anything better t’ do?”

“I find it very important to follow what rumors are being spread about me! Wouldn’t want anything to tarnish my reputation.”

“Yeah, yeah, you got an ego. We know.” Angel finished off his drink. “How’s tha’ new guy treatin’ you? Ya’ do anythin’ t’ scare ‘im off yet?”

“Your accent contains far too many apostrophes.” Alastor complained. “But, no, Steven has proven too useful to just scare off.”

“Ah, another soul to the collection.” Angel raised his empty glass. “Cheers t’ that.”

***

“Dad, I just need one meeting with heaven. That’s all I’m asking! You don’t even have to go with me for this – I can talk to them myself. We can meet at the embassy. Please?”

“I’ll see what I can do, Charlie, but you know how heaven is.”

“Yes, dad, I know. Thanks for the help.”

“Anytime Char, anytime.”

Beep.

Charlie set her phone down on her nightstand. “Okay. We have a meeting with heaven. I mean- we don’t have one confirmed just yet, but we’re getting one soon, hopefully!” She sat down on her bed, and turned to Vaggie laying on the opposite side. “It’ll be fine, I’m sure.”

“I’m not.”

“Vaggie!”

“What? We barely know this ‘Steven’ guy, and we don’t know how he got to hell.”

“Alastor seems to trust him?”

“I don’t trust Alastor as far as I can stab him.”

“Vaggie, please.”

Vaggie sighed. “Look, we can give him a chance to prove himself-”

Charlie scooped Vaggie into a hug before she could finish. “Oh, thank you thank you thank you!”

“I wasn’t done talking-”

“Doesn’t matter! You’re finally opening up to trusting people!”

“We’re in hell!”

***

Sera was unceremoniously woken up by Jophiel splashing water in her face.

“Wake up.”

“Nnnnnng.”

“Shouldn’t have gotten drunk if you didn’t want a hangover, babe.”

“Fuck off.”

“Not happening.”

Sera’s phone started ringing. Jophiel picked it up and pressed answer without looking.

“Sera.” Lucifer spoke. “My daughter wants a meeting with someone in heaven.”

Jophiel pulled away from the phone. “Sera, Lucifer’s daughter wants a meeting.”

“Fuck! Off!”

“Yeah okay.” Jophiel returned to the phone. “Hey Luci. It’s Jophiel. Sera’s says ‘fuck off’ because she’s hungover.”

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. “…Is she hiding booze in her dress again?”

“Luci. How the fuck are you and Emily the only ones to notice that Sera is an alcoholic?”

“Probably because our family is full of half-functioning dipshits at the best of times.”

“You are one of those half-functioning dipshits.”

“How’s about you go to hell and try not to be depressed, Jophie.”

“Okay, I earned that one. Sorry, man.”

“Come back when it’s God apologizing.”

“He’s also a dipshit.”

“Wow. My little sister’s talked to me for two minutes and she’s already disrespecting God. I’m such a wonderful influence.”

“That you are! Anyway, what time would work for good ol’ Charlie? You thinking tomorrow at 7?”

“Yeah, that’ll be fine. She says she also wants to bring some guy named ‘Steven Universe?’”

Jophiel busted out laughing.

“He a big name upstairs or something?” Lucifer asked.

“Oh you would not believe the drama, Luce! Sera hates his ass! I might actually join the archangel meetings again, because this shit is entertaining! Even Michael’s getting out the booze!”

“You better record that.”

“Oh, Luci, why wouldn’t I?”

“Jophiel you are my favorite sibling.”

“Love you too, hun. Seeya!”

“Bye.”

Beep

Jophiel kicked Sera again. “Sera, you have a meeting at the embassy tomorrow at 7.”

“Wake me up tomorrow, then.”

“Nope. Raphael needs you awake so he can confiscate your booze.”

Sera groaned.

Chapter Text

A hologram of Sera sat next to a hologram of Adam in the only embassy heaven ever needed to create. Neither of them wanted to actually be in hell, of course. Who knows what degenerates touched these seats before them. Blacklights were banned in the embassy for a reason, dammit.

“Do you have to be here, Sera? I can do this shit on my own, you know.” Adam whined.

“Adam. Every offence intended. You are a misogynistic cunt and the worst diplomat I’ve ever met.”

“Fucking, hell, Sera, what’s got your nipples in a twist?”

“They took my booze away yesterday, Adam. I am currently cold-turkeying sobriety and I’m not liking it.”

“Oh.” Adam whispered. “Shit.” Oh, he was so totally fucked.

See, Adam only got his job as head exterminator because Sera was drunk off her ass when she hired him. As soon as Sera got past the withdrawal stage, and became sober enough to realize that Adam only had an absolutely enormous pile of shit in the place where his personality was supposed to be, he was going to be so very double-dead.

“I could sneak you some?” He offered, trying to hide the nervous sweat that was somehow showing up on his mask. “I got a stash in the embassy here-”

“If I show up to work drunk again they’re kicking me out of heaven, Adam.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.”

Adam made to get up from the chair. “Whelp, I’m gonna go kill myself-”

Unfortunately Charlie chose that moment in particular to knock on the door.

“Fucking hell.” Adam whined. “Why is this my job?”

“You were just whining about how you could do this all yourself. Don’t try and back out now.”

“Fuuuuuck ooooofffff.” Adam whined even harder.

“Um, are we allowed to come in?” Charlie’s muffled voice came through the door.

“Please.” Sera pleaded. “Let’s get this over and done with. I have a AA meeting to attend to.”

Charlie nudged the door open. “There’s AA meetings in heaven?”

“There are now.”

A new voice popped up. “Isn’t alcoholism a sin?” Sera recognized that voice. No. It can’t be.

But sure enough it was. Steven fucking Universe was a part of this meeting.

“Adam, you have an angelic weapon in that dress of yours, right?” Sera asked.

“First off; fuck off. It’s a robe, not a dress. Also, what kind of fucking exorcist do you take me for?” He pulled a giant angelic steel sword from his robe.

“Good. Please stab me.” Sera asked. “Or cut off my head- whatever kills me faster.”

“Are you two…. okay?” Charlie asked, meekly walking over to the meeting table. “Do you need help?”

“’S fine.” Adam remarked. “She’s just being dramatic.”

“I would like to die now, please.” Sera said.

“Bitch, we aren’t even in the same room. I can’t actually fucking stab you right now!”

“Then why’d you take out the fucking sword?”

“I thought you were fucking joking? Y’know! Banter, and shit!”

“Oh my God.” Charlie whispered. “Heaven is broken. People are becoming suicidal in heaven. Oh my God, I think the world is ending.”

“The world’s not ending! Sera’s just being an overdramatic bitch ‘cause Michael’s gonna kick her out for her alcohol addiction!”

“Oh my God, Adam, I hate you.” Sera breathed in deep, rubbing her temples.

“Yeah, yeah.” Adam replied, then continued under his breath. “Everybody fucking says that. Assholes.”

Suddenly Sera perked up. She set her posture perfectly straight and prim. A horrifically fake smile stretched across her face, and that combined with her disheveled hair and lack of sleep made her look like a serial killer, rather than whatever it was she was actually going for. “It’s fine.” She said, fake cheer lacing her tone like an incredibly potent poison. “It’s fine. I just have to pretend that he doesn’t exist.”

“I think I should leave?” Steven questioned.

“Sera, what the fuck are you going on about?” Adam asked.

“Everything’s fine.” Sera replied.

“You look like you eat babies for fun, dude.”

“OKAY!” Charlie suddenly interrupted, horns growing from her forehead. “Can we PLEASE actually get something FUCKING DONE here!”

“Holy shit bitchtits!” Adam barked. “Didn’t know you had that in you!”

“Sorry.” Charlie squeaked, horns receding. “I would just really like to get to the point of this meeting, please!” She turned to Steven, who was slowly backing out the door. “Steven, please stay!”

Steven shuffled over to a chair, tense as a brick. His slippers squeaked across the fancy tiles. Yes, he was wearing his casual clothes to a meeting with heaven. Yes, he did regret it.

“I think my existence is giving Sera a mental breakdown, Charlie.”

“Steven Universe does not exist.” Sera said. “He cannot harm me.” The serial killer smile stayed stapled on to her face.

“She’ll be fine.” Charlie lied. “It’ll be fine.”

“I am so sorry, Sera.” Steven apologized. “I meant to needle at heaven a little; I didn’t mean to make you go insane.”

“Dude, pretty sure it was the alcohol that made her nuts,” Adam replied, “not whatever you did.”

“Do you even know who I am?”

“Nope!”

“Anyway!” Charlie interrupted. “Meeting! Let’s do meeting things!” She slammed a thick stack of papers on the table. “Howsabout instead of murdering a bunch of sinners every year, we redeemed them and got them sent to heaven instead! Less violence, you don’t have to take the trip to hell every year, and you get more angels! Win-win!”

“Counterpoint: Genocide is fun.” Adam replied.

“What the fuck.” Steven said.

“Counter-counterpoint: Heaven is bound to kick you out for liking genocide at some point!” Charlie barreled through.

“Uh, if heaven was gonna kick me out for liking a little violence, they would have done it already. Checkmate, princess.”

“Are you a psychopath?” Steven questioned. “Like genuinely. Do you feel empathy.”

“Actually, my therapist said I was a narcissist. Get your Adam knowledge correct.” Adam replied. “Also, empathy is for losers.”

“What the fuck.” Steven repeated. “Am I in hell?”

“Yes.” Adam turned to Sera. “Can we tell them about the new schedule?”

“Sure, fine, whatever.” Sera waved him off. “I don’t care.”

“Fuck yeah!”

“Um, what’s the new schedule?” Charlie asked.

“The new extermination schedule! We’re culling you cunts twice a year now!” Adam raised two fingers, smiling excitedly like a child who just got a puppy for Christmas. “It’s gonna be so kickass! Fuck, I might just start singing about this, lemmie get out my guitar-”

“Charlie.” Steven said. “I have this strange feeling in my chest. It kind of feels like I want Adam dead? Like I really want to cause him bodily harm. I don’t know what this emotion is.”

“That’s bloodlust, Steven.” Charlie replied. “You’re feeling bloodlust.”

“Oh.” Steven paused. “Cool. I think I hate this.” Adam got out his guitar and started playing. “I think this guy is worse than space Hitler.”

“Would it help to punch actual Hitler?” Charlie asked. “We’ve got him locked up in a museum.”

Steven turned to her in a mix of shock and horror.

Charlie shrugged. “Apparently some people find it a good form a stress relief?” She shrugged.

Chapter Text

“Jophie, you got news from the meeting with hell?”

“Huh? Oh, right, that. Adam didn’t have much to say about it. I think he’s avoiding me.”

“Did he at least ask the Universe kid about who the Gem God might be?”

“… I might’ve forgotten to tell them to ask that.”

“What the fuck, Jophie?!”

***

A portal opened up right next to Steven while he was in the middle of lunch.

“Uh, hi, hello!” The angel that appeared out of it greeted. “This was supposed to be discussed in the meeting yesterday-”

“The one where Adam gloated about how much he loves genocide, and how he’s planning on committing more of it in the near future?”

“I- um-”

“Who’s this guy?” Connie, who was seated across from Steven, spoke up.

“Wha-” The angel gaped. “This portal was supposed to catch you in private.”

“We’re in the middle of a diner?” Steven asked.

The angel took a moment to look around. They were, indeed, in the middle of a very busy diner. Everyone was staring.

“Fuck. Shit. Fuck.” The angel waved to the humans in the diner. “Hello, humans! Please ignore us!”

The humans did not, in fact, ignore them.

“Well, um. My name is Michael, pleased to meet you.” Michael held out a hand.

“Head archangel, right?” Connie asked.

“We’re in public-” Michael warned.

“So wait, if you’re head honcho in heaven that means you know about the genocide already, then?” Steven asked.

“It was a necessary measure-”

“No.”

“What- You can’t just- You don’t know the circumstances!”

“No.” Steven repeated. “Genocide bad. That’s like, baby’s first morality lesson.”

“Morality is hardly black and white-”

“The mere existence of heaven and hell disprove that.” Connie remarked.

“We had to prevent an uprising-”

“Yes, because nobody’s ever rebelled because they were being genocided. Please just tell us why you’re here so you can leave.”

“We need to know who the Gem God is?”

“I am.” Steven said, realizing the golden opportunity he was given.

“WHAT.”

“No, wait, Steven has a point.” Connie realized.

“I do?”

“HE DOES?”

“Well, you and the other Diamonds do create all of Gemkind. That, and the fact that you all have powers to control them…”

“White can control the mind, Blue emotions, Yellow body…” Steven continued.

“And you do… whatever it is you bullshit powers come up with. That and the fact that Gems worship the Diamonds as flawless beings…”

“Means that I am, in fact, a god of Gemkind.”

“Or space Jesus.”

“Or that!” Steven turned to smile at Michael, who had gotten increasingly pale throughout their speech. “Now let’s talk about that genocide!”

Michael chose that moment to gtfo.

***

“We fucked up!”

“Woah, woah, Michael! What’s gotten into you!”

“We fucked up!”

***

Steven popped into the hotel a few hours later.

“Bad news!” He said cheerily, “The head archangel is a genocide apologist! Good news: I might’ve convinced him that I’m a god!”

“What the fuck.” Angel dust asked. “What the fuck?”

“Why does anybody listen to a word this kid says?” Husk asked. “He sounds fuckin’ insane.”

“Well,” Charlie explained, “He did give Sera an existential crisis? So clearly he’s doing something?”

“An existential crisis that I will apologize for later! I really didn’t mean for that to happen…” Then, quieter: “I really need to stop doing that to people…”

“I don’t like the implications behind that.”

“Anyway!” Steven interrupted. “How can I help the hotel? Please let me help. If I don’t have something to do right now I might just go up and fight heaven myself and that is a really bad idea.”

“Are you okay?”

“Look, this whole genocide thing has activated my savior complex, and the last time that went unchecked I ended up killing someone. She’s fine now, but that’s besides the point!”

“Oh my god.” Charlie whispered. “Steven’s insane.”

“You’re just now realizing that?” Husk asked. He turned to Steven. “Shit, kid, why don’t you go ta’ fuckin’ therapy? Hell knows you need some of that.”

“I am in therapy.”

“Get more therapy. Double up on the therapy.”

“Got it, go to two therapists at once. I’ll do that.”

“I don’t think that’s how therapy works?” Charlie asked.

“No, no that’s totally how it works.” Angel spoke up. “Hell, kid, do three therapists at once. That’ll do ‘em for sure!”

“If you say so…” Steven pulled out a clipboard and started writing notes.

“Dammit Angel, you are not helping!” Charlie stomped her foot.

“Not my fault th’ kid’s gullible.” Angel shrugged.

“Oh…” Steven looked down at his clipboard. “Man, writing notes on a clipboard was on my bucket list…” He shook the thought from his head, and tossed the clipboard to the side. “Anyway! Please let me help or I will end up punching the archangel Michael in the face.”

“You could recruit people?” Charlie asked. “Just please don’t scare anyone…” She trailed off upon noticing that Steven was already gone. He had run off right around the word ‘recruit.’

“He’s gonna scare everyone off.” Angel remarked.

Chapter Text

Two seconds after Michael returned to heaven, he realized that Steven was a lying liar who lied.

“Fuck!”

Add on the fact that humans saw him…

“Fucking shit!”

And heard him defend a genocide…

“Fucking bitch-ass motherfuckers!”

“What’s got your panties in a twist?” Jophiel popped in to ask.

“That Steven kid tricked me!”

Jophiel started laughing.

“It’s not funny!”

“Dude, you’re an archangel and you got duped by some teenager.” Jophiel wheezed “This is the funniest shit imaginable.”

Michael fumed. “You know what? For that remark, you’re helping.”

“What?”

“I am the head archangel, Jophie. I can, in fact, order you around.” Michael smiled at her. “You’re dealing with this now!”

“Man, I’ve got shit to do!”

“It can wait!” Michael said cheerily. “Not my problem!” He made a portal to some random area in space. “Now go and find out about that Gem afterlife, yeah?”

He picked her up and chucked her through the portal.

***

“That fucking asshole.” Jophie complained on the other side of the portal. “I didn’t even get to finish my joke.”

See, when Jophie said she “had shit to do” she was going to add on that that “shit” she would “do” was a “person.” Hilarious joke, I know. It would’ve surely done numbers in heaven.

Michael was such a buzzkill.

But now she had to find a Gem. In the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere, Space.

A spaceship stopped right in front of her not two seconds after she had that thought. (Screw you, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy!)

Jophie waved at what she assumed was the window to the ship, and a hatch opened up for her. She flew in and spotted two definitely-not-humans.

“You guys are Gems right?”

They nodded. Wonderful.

“Mind taking me to your leader?”

They shared a look and shrugged. The ship lurched forward, and a minute later they were in front of an utter mess of a planet. Not that Jophie was judging – the humans were kind of wrecking their planet, too – but wow, was this planet just absolutely wrecked. It looked like a jawbreaker someone smashed with a hammer so they could make it easier to chew.

Ah, whatever. It wasn’t Jophie’s problem.

They landed and the two Gems led Jophie to a giant yellow woman.

(It took all of Jophie’s will not to instantly have a lesbian moment.)

“Hello yellow person! Do you lead Gemkind?”

“The name’s Yellow Diamond.” Yellow didn’t even bother to look at her. Seems leader-ish. “And yes, I do. What do you want?” She sounded incredibly bored with this conversation already. Yellow really seemed like she couldn’t give a shit.

(Do not get a crush Do not get a crush.)

“What happens to a Gem’s soul when they die?”

Yellow hummed. “Well, they’d have to die first.” She reached down and picked up some Gem that was walking by. “You there. Chalcedony, right?”

Chalcedony nodded.

“Good. I am going to give you a uterus.” Yellow zapped Chalcedony with a yellow beam, and let her go. “Now get pregnant.”

(Why was that hot???? Jophie you fucking useless lesbian!)

Jophie thought can you get me pregnant but said “What.”

Yellow shrugged. “You wanted to know what happens when a Gem dies. The easiest way to get that to happen without losing a Gemstone is to get the Gem to die by childbirth.”

Jophie hummed. “Are you single?”

***

“So I asked one of their leaders…”

“And?”

“She zapped one of her subordinates and told them to get pregnant.”

Michael slammed his head into the nearest wall hard enough to dent it. “We are dealing with a species full of LUNATICS!” He screamed.

Jophie decided (wisely) not to tell him about her upcoming date with Yellow Diamond.

***

Turns out, they managed to get another guest in the hotel without Steven’s help. Pentious was a slippery, conniving son of a bitch, but-

No, actually, there shouldn’t be a “but” there. Pentious, at this point, was still just your run-of-the-mill hell demon trashbag. His only redeeming quality, at this point, was his intellect. (That half the demons in hell didn’t give a shit about.) That and his two dicks (that might’ve garnered some positive attention from demons if Pentious was any good at using them.)

Pentious was a loser, basically.

Steven burst through the doors an hour after Pentious checked in, looking- well, the obvious allegory is obvious. (Who decided to make so many metaphors religious? Probably middle age peasants. Screw those guys.) Steven’s hair was on fire, his gaudy pink jacket looked like it had a bite taken out of it, and an abnormally high amount of blood was in his hair.

“Had fun out there?” Angel Dust mocked.

“Hrnnng.” Steven responded. He spat out a tooth.

“Glad ya’ had fun, pal.”

“Who’s this*?” Pentious asked. “I wasn’t warned about a human cosplayer living here.”

“Hrk-” Steven coughed up another tooth. “I’m not a cosplayer- cough -this place fucking-” He spat out yet another tooth.

“Ah, did someone cast a ‘tooth vomit’ curse on you?” Pentious asked.

Steven continued spitting up teeth in lieu of an answer. They weren’t even his teeth.

Everyone waited an uncomfortable three-and-a-half minutes for Steven to finally run out of teeth to vomit. Nobody moved to help, of course.

“That- cough -that little asshole,” Steven complained, still doubled over, “I didn’t even- cough -who even allows this shit?”

“Welcome ta Hell, kid.” Angel drawled. “If ya’ don’t like it you shouldn’t a’ come here.”

“I am going to find God and have a word with him!” Steven shouted at the floor.

“Good luck with that.”