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Rhaenyra sighed as she turned one side to another in bed. She had been trying to sleep for the past three hours but her mind was racing. The air was colder than usual and the blanket she wore offered enough weight for her to fall asleep peacefully but tonight Rhaenyra was crushed by the weight of something else entirely.
She couldn't stop thinking about her kiss with Mysaria and the chain of thoughts it triggered. Swallowing thickly, she sat up in bed, her right hand finding its way to her earlobe.
Ah, here we go again with the anxious fiddling.
Her heartbeat grew louder in her ears.
Is this what I’ve always truly craved? The touch of a woman?
She recalls the initial shock of figuring out how soft Mysaria’s lips were. How gently she held her compared to all the aggressiveness she had experienced with her male partners before. How Mysaria waited for her to act. To consent. Waited for her to proceed. How addictive it all was and how natural the touch of a woman felt. She couldn’t shake off the feeling of Mysaria’s hands on her back and shoulders. How she spent most of the kiss thinking and wishing it was Alicent Hightower instead.
Rhaenyra’s stomach churned.
“What the hell am I thinking?” Rhaenyra whispered to herself, throwing her head in her hands. “It was a long time ago. She doesn’t even care.” In that moment, a memory buried so deep in her subconscious resurfaced.
“What do you want for your birthday?” Rhaenyra asked Alicent, laying in her lap.
“Hmmm, remember that game we used to play when we were kids? With you being my knight in shining armor-“
“I will always be your knight in shining armor, Alicent.” Rhaenyra smiled proudly, twisting a thread from Alicent’s gown around her index finger.
“Let me complete my sentence!! We used to make up a scenario for instances where you would save me and then we’d swap the roles and I’d be the knight but I wasn't very good at it.”
“Oh, so you wanna roleplay?” Rhaenyra smirked, sitting up to lean on her elbow.
“I just think it’s fun and we haven't had the time to explore our creativity.” Alicent smiled shyly, avoiding Rhaenyra’s eyes on her. “I-I like us that way. I feel safe with you. I like the way you hold me, even if there’s no actual danger I'm exposed to. Even if it's for a short while.”
I like the way you hold me.
As soon as those words left Alicent’s mouth, it unlocked a newfound feeling in Rhaenyra's chest. She moved closer to Alicent, hovering over her and looping one arm around her waist.
“Rhaenyra, what-"
“My queen,” Rhaenyra whispered breathlessly, her face inches away from Alicent’s.
Alicent realized Rhaenyra had slipped into character. She wasn’t expecting it to begin right away.
“I wish to do more than just hold you, if you’ll allow me.”
Rhaenyra’s head was spinning, she had no idea what took over in that moment. She knew she couldn’t take back her words. She saw Alicent’s eyes shine in a way they had never before.
“I’ll allow it.” Alicent whispered in a raspy voice. “What is it that you wish so badly?” she teased, sneaking her arms around Rhaenyra’s waist and pulling her on top. Rhaenyra’s entire body felt like it was on fire, her breath hitched as she stared into mesmerizing brown eyes. They had always flirted here and there but Alicent had never acted so bold. Rhaenyra’s gaze flickered between Alicent’s eyes and her lips.
“Rhaenyra,” Alicent whispered. “Can we..?”
That was the moment Rhaenyra realized how Alicent wanted the same thing. She let the sudden wave of courage allow her to lean closer. She also noticed a small smile on Alicent’s lips before she closed her eyes and leaned in.
“Girls, where are you? I’m home!” A manly voice yelled, the sound of his boots against the wooden floor getting louder.
Otto Hightower.
Alicent gasped and pushed Rhaenyra off her. The sound of her father’s footsteps marching towards the room made her face go pale.
“Ow, fuck!” Rhaenyra cursed as her head hit the leg of the sofa beside them.
The door swung open.
“Ah, here you both are…on the floor?” Otto raised an eyebrow at the duo.
“Alicent lost her earring, so I was just helping her find it,” Rhaenyra lied while rubbing the side of her forehead. Otto’s eyes darted towards his daughter’s ears, red earrings dangling from them. None missing.
“I see.”
Both of them knew he wasn’t convinced.
“I think you should head home, Princess. It’ll be getting dark soon.”
Rhaenyra sighed as she got up from the bed to pour herself a glass of water. The flashback evoked how Alicent started keeping a distance from her since that incident. The harmless flirty jokes came to a halt. Otto always glared at Alicent from a distance whenever Rhaenyra entered the room, as if warning her not to stand too close. To not speak more than required. Their occasional banter became less frequent as they grew apart.
Lost in her thoughts, the Targaryen didn't notice the glass of water had overflowed into her lap. A knock at the door brought her back to reality.
“Who is it?”
“It’s me, Your Grace. Mysaria.”
What is she doing here at this hour?
“You may enter,” Rhaenyra called out.
Mysaria walked in carrying a small cup. Rhaenyra couldn't help but give her a small smile.
“You seemed…anxious. A cup of this will help with the nerves and the tension in your shoulders.” Mysaria explained, handing her a white cup with brownish liquid.
“A herbal tea of sorts, I suppose?” Rhaenyra asked.
“You are correct.”
“Hmm, thank you.”
“If you wish to talk about whatever weighs on your mind, I’m all ears.” Mysaria said, giving Rhaenyra’s shoulder a gentle squeeze.
Can I trust Mysaria with my deepest secrets this early on?
“If it’s related to our kiss earlier in the day, I apologiz-”
“Don't. Please. It is not a crime.” Rhaenyra shut her down. “I was willing and so were you. I am not upset, it’s just that I’ve never kissed a woman before.” Rhaenyra stated, pinching the bridge of her nose. The smell of the godawful tea was making her lightheaded.
“...but you have loved a woman.”
Rhaenyra’s head shot up to look Mysaria dead in the eye.
“W-What did you just say?” Rhaenyra asked in disbelief.
“It is true and painfully obvious,” Mysaria admitted, a hint of jealousy in her voice. Rhaenyra’s jaw clenched.
“What is?” Rhaenyra begged that playing dumb in the moment would work.
“Your love for Alicent Hightower knows no bounds. It liberates you and crushes you at the same time. It’s a bittersweet feeling bubbling in your chest, isn't it?” Mysaria explained what Rhaenyra already knew.
Silence prevailed for a good long minute.
“My heart just can't seem to let her go.” Rhaenyra's voice cracked with a tear slipping out of her eye. “Even after all that has happened between us. If it were someone else, I would have had their head on a spike long ago.”
“You do not owe me or anyone else an explanation, Your Grace. However, you must not run from your truth. Embrace it. Wear it like you wear your crown. It is who you are.”
“Just because I carry it well, doesn't mean it's not heavy”
“I know, Rhaenyra.”
Rhaenyra did not like the pity in Mysaria’s voice. Did not like her speaking her name. She is the Queen. She should be addressed as such.
“I wish to be alone.” Rhaenyra said curtly.
Mysaria simply nodded before turning on her heel and walking away.
The room falls dead silent as Mysaria leaves. Left only with the sound of her own breathing, Rhaenyra brings the cup up to her lips and drinks the warm tea in one go.
Embrace it.
Wear it like you wear your crown.
It is who you are.
She thinks about Mysaria’s advice and how she wanted to discuss the same with Laenor years ago. To ask him if it’s similar to his attraction for men. No matter how brave, she never mustered up the courage to do so. Rhaenyra’s eyes brimmed with tears thinking about how Alicent left a scar on her arm. How she spent countless nights crying herself to sleep not knowing how to face Daemon and her father after fighting with them over how Alicent would never hurt her.
Rhaenyra thinks of when she saw Alicent years later after their fight in Driftmark, how she caught her guilt stricken eyes wandering her scar. How quickly she had turned her arm to hide it just so Alicent wouldn't feel bad. She thought of the amount of liquor courage she needed to simply toast an apology to Alicent. The way her kids and Daemon looked at her on that table that night mattered very little.
She can never shake off the feeling of Alicent walking up to her, tugging at her arm and caressing it while asking her to stay longer. How delicately she pressed her fingers into Rhaenyra’s arm before looking into her eyes. She promised she would return on dragonback and was touched at how Alicent anticipated it.
If it wasn't for their children fighting, Rhaenyra would have never left.
Rhaenyra knew Alicent would never accept her call for peace and yet she jumped in a boat to sail across, risking her life, just to speak with Alicent for five minutes. Just so she could see her face to face.
“It’s too late, Rhaenyra”, Alicent’s voice echoed, tugging Rhaenyra’s wrist closer into her lap, acting like she wasn't holding a knife. The blind trust made everything else secondary. She knew Rhaenyra had no intentions to use that knife she carried in her sleeve. Rhaenyra knew to select the bluntest knife from her rusted collection. These were things unspoken and only known by the two of them.
Too late to stop the war. Too late to stop loving Alicent. Too late for them to go back to their past selves. Too late to want to make amends. She hated moments like these, she hated spiraling into madness over a love so haunting it made her feel feverish.
Did Alicent ever love me?
Does she spend nights crying over me like I do for her?
Will things ever be the same?
What would I do if she showed up at my door?
“Enough.” Rhaenyra whispered, hugging herself, a hand on each shoulder tapping it lightly.
Enough crying and pining for a night.
It is already humiliating enough that she almost broke down in front of Mysaria. It had happened in front of Daemon once, to which he rolled his eyes and walked out of the room.
Rhaenyra appreciated being left alone in moments like these. It’s all so unfair how she should be seething with anger when she sees Alicent, after all she has loved and lost but she can never do that. She finds herself forgiving her, finds herself bickering and taunting Alicent but never too harshly. Deep down Rhaenyra knows Alicent is the only one who tolerates her antics, who will throw harsh words in her face and drink hers up in return. Her chest is tight and it hurts but she prays and hopes Alicent is sleeping peacefully.
For the first time that night, her breathing stabilizes. The exhaustion kicks in and her shoulders drop. She lies down in bed and pulls the blanket up to her chest, closing her eyes.
The tea really did help.