Chapter Text
Instead of returning to his quarters, Cassian ducks his head and makes his way through the busy halls of Home One towards the hangar. It’s the C shift, which covers the hours of the artificial late evening to the early morning, so there are a good third of the occupants on board walking around who he doesn’t want to speak to.
Going back to his room just isn't an option right now. The last time he was there was with Jyn in his bed, before she literally died in his arms because he was too distracted to be aware of his surroundings, and he doesn't want to taint those memories with everything that's happened over the last few days.
The next time he goes back there, she’s going to be with him.
He's only been back to the ship once since they landed, to shower and change as per Jyn’s request (demand). He’d only stayed for the bare minimum time it took him to scrub his skin and put on a fresh set of clothes before he was rushing back to Jyn’s side.
She was starting to stay awake and alert for longer stretches of time, but she still spent the majority of the day asleep. Midway through B shift a doctor had come in to check Jyn’s vitals, and with a check of her chart let him know that Jyn was now stable enough for general visitors.
Relief rushed over him. This was positive news - she was getting better, she was going to be released at some point and she would be back by his side. He stepped out into the hall to com Bodhi and Kay of the news, one of who was more excited at the news than the other.
He deliberately hadn't let Qel know - but the unfortunate timing of Bodhi finding out while he was working on a ship in the hangar meant one of the Pathfinders overheard, messaging Qel about the development.
Cassian hadn’t wanted to leave Jyn alone with Qel, but he had been plagued with a moment of self doubt from the result of barely sleeping in days when the other man appeared, out of breath from running across the ship and pure happiness on his face just from seeing Jyn there and alive. Cassian decided that maybe she would have rathered the Lieutenant in the room instead of him when she woke, and left Qel to sit at her bedside while he stayed nearby in the hall.
He thanks all the stars in the universe that he’d been proved wrong, that when she kissed him again he realised what a fool he was to think otherwise, to assume that just because she was hurt (he nearly lost her it was his fault) that it would change her mind and she would want to return to the young, grinning Pathfinder that didn’t carry the weight of worlds on his shoulders.
He drearily walks across the hangar to his shop, making his way up the ramp into the storage compartment where he pauses, eyes fixed on the floor. He’d forced himself to avoid the area earlier, instead boarding the ship using one of the lift droids to get himself up to the emergency entrance through the roof; but now he has to face the large, dried pool of blood that stands out against the light grey metal, stained blankets and discarded medical supplies still littering the floor around it - a sickly reminder of what occurred in here just days ago.
He feels dizzy, bile rising in his throat so suddenly that he closes his eyes, swallowing harshly and turning away from the scene to take a few deep, shuddering breaths to calm down. It takes a few moments to compose himself enough to plan what tasks he needs to do - he’s always been better at compartmentalising when he has some clear goals to focus on - and steps around the mess to go up into the living quarters, off to find the stash of old rags and bleach he knows they have, mentally readying himself to clean up.
Sleep won't come for him anyway, he knows he won't be able to relax enough to even close his eyes - any time he tries all he sees is Jyn bleeding out, his parents bodies, every other horrible thing he's ever done - so there's really no point in trying.
Even though he can feel the exhaustion right down to his bones, cleaning the horrors below is a far better alternative than what he meets in his dreams.
He has to stop himself numerous times from giving in and going back to the infirmary, telling himself over and over she's safe with Bodhi, and that Oliver isn't permitted back in her room; Leia had heard far more than she let on, and instructed staff to keep him out until she said otherwise.
He doesn't give himself a break when he starts to scrub at the blood on the floor (Jyn's blood he nearly lost her it was his fault), even when his hands start to crack and bleed themselves from the bleach. He keeps replaying what he could have done better, if he had just led them down that first damn alleyway, if he hadn't have agreed to this mission then Jyn wouldn't be lying almost dead in the infirmary-
He vomits, pushing himself away from the site of the half cleaned room to hold himself on his hands and knees while he retches up the pitiful amount that's in his stomach.
It's how Kay ultimately finds him, forcing him up the ladder with the direction to lay down while he cleans. It’s a testament that Kay doesn't have any clipped or sassy remarks for Cassian as he shuffles him away, the fact he's worrying for Cassian, and even possibly for Jyn, makes the man go without argument.
He does try to sleep this time. He lays in the dark in his bunk for over an hour, eyes closed, but sleep refuses to take him. His brain won't stop replaying every moment of every bad decision he's made that led him to where he is, so he cuts his losses and gets up, trying to be as quiet as possible in case Kay is still below.
He's fiddling with the lighting wires behind one of the panels of the main deck when he hears the hatch open behind him. He doesn't turn, but he can hear more than one person shuffling off the ladder, and tries to figure out who Bodhi has brought to talk to him this time.
“It would be nice to come visit without one of you in a hospital bed” a deep voice grumbles.
Cassian's hands falter as he lets his head rest against the wall, feeling the tight knot in his chest start to unfurl. He turns around, trying to mask how he's feeling to the best of his ability - but he knows how awful he looks.
Baze and Chirrut look at him with a mix of worry and love, making his body want to crumble in on itself. He doesn't deserve this.
“Perhaps you can invite us to one of your many medal ceremonies” Chirrut adds, resting against his staff ”Or a lifeday party?”
“Have you gone to visit Jyn?” Cassian asks, approaching them slowly.
“Not yet” Baze says, watching him with a cautious eye.
“Bodhi let us know she was sleeping when we landed, and thought you would benefit more with a visit,” Chirrut says.
Cassian flexes his hands. “I'm fine,”
“You're angry” Chirrut says knowingly,
“Of course I'm angry!” He hisses, low and broken “I should have been concentrating, I should have seen the Stormtrooper before-” his voice cracks out at that, running a hand over his face, willing the tears to stay away.
“Your life isn't worth less than hers,” Baze says steadily.
“Of course it is!” Cassian snaps as he steps right up to them, face reddening with rage and anguish. Neither of the men flinch, if anything Chirrut’s stance relaxes.
“Neither of you are worth less than the other,” Chirrut says kindly. “and I believe we would be having this same conversation with Jyn if you were the one hurt”
Kay sends through an update an hour after Chirrut and Baze make their leave, letting him know that Jyn’s last bacta treatment has been scheduled for the following day, and she’s fallen asleep with Baze and Chirrut by her side. He will still stand guard for the night, he tells Cassian, and that he should actually get some sleep this time.
Cassian snorts at that, a fond smile on his face as he shoves the commlink back in his pocket.
He trusts Kay, Baze and Chirrut to keep her safe, and he's feeling dead on his feet. He makes his way into the bunks where he lays down, not expecting much. He's asleep in moments.
He manages three whole hours of uninterrupted sleep before Baze sends him an alert that Jyn’s second round in the bacta tank has been moved up to fifteen minutes from now.
He hadn't changed clothes when he laid down to rest, so all he needs to do is shove his socked feet into his boots and he's out of the ship towards the infirmary in record time.
He passes a few soldiers he knows are friends of Qel’s, who give him silent glares that would rival even Jyn’s, which he easily ignores.
When he walks towards Jyn’s room he finds Kay waiting outside, occasionally looking back and forth down the halls, eyes whirring as he scans.
“There has only been one sighting of Lieutenant Qel in the area since you broke his nose” Kay says to him. “Jyn made me leave once Baze and Chirrut arrived. Apparently I was taking up too much space”
Cassian taps Kay’s chest, there really aren't words for how much he appreciates his friend. “Thanks Kay, you can go now if you'd like”
“I very much would” he says as dryly as a droid can, but he doesn't make any effort to move. “But with the likelihood of the Lieutenant returning, I will stay here”
Cassian wells up a little at that - while Jyn and K2’s relationship is rocky on the best of days, seeing how dedicated Kay is at keeping her safe, even under the guise it's for his sake, moves him more than he anticipates.
He just nods, hoping Kay ignores his shift in mood, and turns to open the door to Jyn’s room.
When he steps in he's faced with a scene that would be comical if it weren't so concerning. Chirrut stands beside him in the doorway while Baze lifts Jyn in his arms, her gown tangled around her legs as she tries to fight him off like a feral lothcat, with a nurse standing beside a hoverchair, rubbing a hand over his tired eyes.
“I can get in the chair myself,” Jyn grumbles as Baze deposits her down.
She makes eye contact with Cassian briefly, and just as quickly snaps her gaze downwards to look at her lap guiltily. He narrows his eyes.
“Ah yes, the way you fainted when you tried to stand was very convincing,” Chirrut points out, clearly for Cassian’s benefit.
Cassian frowns and moves to her. “Are you alright?”
“I didn't faint” Jyn says angrily, glaring at Chirrut as Cassian touches her shoulder.
The nurse shrugs at Cassian like this happens all the time. Which it likely does, the Rebels are notoriously bad patients. “She only briefly lost consciousness, and your friend here caught her before she went too far. It can happen when blood pressure drops, especially after what Sergeant Erso has gone through”
Jyn’s glare turns to the nurse (Jazon, he can see written by hand on his pass), who smiles back unperturbed.
“Well, it's time for your treatment! Only one of your friends can escort you to the tank, but once you're in they'll have to wait outside”
“We have a very important catch up to have with Bodhi” Chirrut says as Baze finds his place beside him. “We will come back later tonight if you're feeling well, Jyn”
“Yeah, that'd be good. I’ll get Kay to let you know, seeing as he won't leave me alone” Jyn says, turning her accusatory glare at Cassian. He gives her an innocent shrug that morphs her look of annoyance into a small smile.
She turns her attention back to Jazon “And this is the last one I have to do, right?”
“It won't heal everything. Anything that didn't heal internally during the first two treatments will have to do it naturally now” he warns. “But it's going to help with your scarring. You'll still be on leave for two weeks, and light duties until we can clear you. But you should be out of here in about a week”
“A week?” Jyn asks.
“You're lucky to be alive,” Jazon says bluntly. “The damage from the bone fragments really did a number on a few of your major organs. We need to make sure the surgeons didn't miss anything-”
“Is that a possibility?” Cassian interrupts, stomach dropping.
Jazon shrugs. “Her scans look clear, but we want to be cautious”
He lets out a breath, catching Jyn’s eyes as she gives him a strained smile. He moves to her and crouches, a hand on her knee and the other running down her arm.
“How are you feeling?”
“I'm fine” she lies, and he lets out a fond sigh. She’d be missing her limbs and still say the same, he's sure. “You look like you slept”
“I told you I would” he says, standing back to his feet and letting the nurse program the chair to exit the room. Cassian gives the Guardians a nod of thanks and makes his way out behind them into the halls of the infirmary.
“How long will I be in there?” Jyn asks, hands fisted tightly in her lap, which she's staring at as they pass through the bustling hallways.
“About four hours” Jazon says, double checking his datapad as he walks behind her, Cassian at his side. “And an extra hour after in recovery, then back to your room”
“Right”
Cassian quickens his step to be beside her and places a hand on her shoulder, squeezing. “I’ll be right outside”
“Don't be stupid,” she huffs. “Go do something productive, or hang out with Bodhi and the others, no use waiting around”
A small alarm starts to ring in his head - Jyn is being far too blasé about him getting out of here. She has a plan, he's certain about that; but what that plan could be sets him on edge.
“I'll come back before you're in recovery”
She shakes her head. “Don't, I'll comm you when I'm up. I'll be fine”
He doesn't get the chance to argue with her. The door to the tank room slides open, and two doctors walk out to manually move Jyn’s chair into the room with a hasty greeting to him and Jazon.
“Four hours?” Cassian asks the nurse as the door closes behind Jyn.
Jazon wiggles his hand back and forth. “Give or take, make it five for safety”