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It’s All Smoke and Mirrors
“I hate these things,” Tony muttered darkly, striding through the stone hallway leading to the opulent ballroom where he was meant to meet with other faction leaders.
“Everyone hates these things,” Natasha said in his ear. “You’re not special.”
Tony waved his hand near his ear to try and bat the spider apparently clinging there away. “Cut it out.”
“No,” the spider said, and he realized it was her, not one of the spiders simply under her control. He felt a smidge less anxious. “I should be allowed to harass you since I’m here too.”
“Fine,” Tony sighed, and did not flinch when she shifted her legs over his ear in a way that tickled so that she had a better grip. “Why are you hiding? They’ll figure out you’re you quickly.”
“Tiberius is going to be here this year,” Natasha answered darkly. “I know he likes touching your ears even when you tell him no. I intend to bite him and inject every ounce of venom I have.”
Tony forced himself not to smile, because one could never tell if there were ghosts hovering in the halls. Still, he was amused. “I don’t know that that will kill a vampire.”
“I don’t need it to kill him. I just need it to make him suffer,” she replied, and he knew if she had shoulders, she’d shrug.
“Here we go,” Tony said as he approached the doorway leading into the meeting hall, partly to Natasha but mostly to himself.
The room was already mostly-full. It looked like the vampires hadn’t shown up, but that was probably because they enjoyed being fashionably late. The werewolves were there, though, and the representatives of the Unseelie Court. Tony lifted his hand to wave at Doom, who gamely waved back before turning back to his underling. There were some mermaids that Tony had never seen before, dripping in their seats, and when he caught their eyes, they smiled with sharp teeth. He smiled back and hoped he wasn't starting a fight; baring the teeth could be considered a threat to some peoples, he knew firsthand. Luckily, they simply turned back to each other to continue their conversation, so he figured even if he had made a mistake, they were overlooking it. He started peering around for the fairies, hoping to see a familiar face.
“Tony!” Jan squealed and bashed into his face for a hug.
“Ow,” Tony said, but lifted his hand up to hold her back in an imitation of a hug.
Jan ignored his pain and instead immediately began chattering on about all the gossip he’d missed because time moved differently for him. She only paused when she noticed Natasha perched delicately on his ear. “…What are you doing?” she asked, raising an eyebrow and planting her fists on her hips. She was probably trying to look stern, but she mostly just looked comical because of her currently tiny size.
“I’m going to bite Tiberius,” Natasha replied simply.
“Oh! Good. I hate him,” Jan agreed.
Before she could say anything else, smoke began billowing from the center of the table, and everyone went quiet, leaving their mingling to find their seats. Even the vampires who had meant to make an entrance came in and sat down without making a fuss.
“Wonder who it’s gonna be this time. I hope it’s Steve. He blushes so pretty when the succubae hit on him,” Jan whispered, perching on Tony's shoulder on the same side Natasha was on. “It’s adorable.”
“I hope it’s Bucky. He somehow even scares the ghouls,” Natasha whispered back.
Tony secretly hoped it was Bruce, because Bruce liked him, but he was on the roster for this rarely, because he had no patience and he destroyed things when he was angry.
It was Thor. They couldn’t help the murmurs that rolled around the table in surprise—Thor rarely showed up to these events. He was the most powerful member of the Head Table, even if he didn’t always act like it, and whatever happened with humans never affected him or his people.
“Before we can come to agreements amongst ourselves, you must clean your own houses,” Thor said solemnly. “There is a rottenness in them, beings conspiring with humans to exterminate us. There can be no meeting of council until we know there are no double-agents. This meeting is adjourned.”
He disappeared as quickly as he’d come, though this time in a burst of lightning. Everyone stared at where he was standing, stunned, before they all got up to leave, ostensibly to go interrogate the members of their people. There was a cacophony as everyone fled through their assigned hallways or into the pool of water that led to to tunnels forking beneath the stone floors. Then there was silence.
Tony stared at the table blankly, still a little stunned, then sighed. “This seriously couldn’t have just been an email?”
“Tony!” Jan gasped in affront. “Someone from the Head Table could still be listening!”
“I was fucking busy,” Tony snapped back at her, unafraid. In fact, if he saw Thor again, he might actually punch him, regardless of the harm that would doubtlessly come to him. “Natasha, take a note—”
“Noting,” Natasha answered gamely.
“Threaten everyone for good measure and then send a scroll up to the Table saying our court is sorted. Maybe mention that email exists,” he added sourly. He hated having his time wasted like this, and he hadn't even gotten to introduce himself to the new mermaids. He always got along with sharp-teethed peoples.
“You’re sure that there’s no corruption in your court?” Jan asked in surprise.
Tony scoffed. “Pepper and Happy would simply not allow it.”
Jan opened her mouth, then closed it again, conceding. Ever since Obadiah had been ousted, Tony, Pepper, and Happy had been incredibly suspicious of anyone else in court. Tony had relaxed some now, but Pepper and Happy were still vigilant, and both of them more willing to beat people soundly about the head. She couldn't blame them, though. She couldn't say she wouldn't stab someone threatening Tony, either.
“Well, I suppose I should go scare some of my fellow fairies,” Jan sighed instead, then leaned in to press a kiss to his cheek. “Let’s go out for drinks soon, okay?”
“I haven’t been—okay,” Tony sputtered as she zipped off without waiting for an answer.
Natasha paused a moment to see if he was going to continue speaking, then asked, “Were you going to tell her you weren’t drinking tequila anymore since the last time you guys went out for drinks?”
“I vomited margaritas out my nose,” Tony began, then screamed when he noticed someone standing behind him and spun around.
“Tony,” Thor said solemnly. “We need to see you at the Table.”
“Why? It definitely can’t be because I suggested the Table run train on me while I was drunk,” Tony answered defensively. “I said that in the safety of my realm.”
“...What,” Thor asked after a brief pause.
“Nothing,” Natasha cut in hastily, waving her front legs at him. “Forget you heard anything.”
“Did you actually leave in a burst of lightning or was that a fucking sleight of hand,” Tony continued, ignoring her. “Doesn’t it take effort if it’s real magic? What—”
“Can you just—” Thor sighed, then grabbed Tony by the scruff to carry him away.
Natasha panicked and buried her mandibles into his hand as deep as they could go, injecting all of the venom she’d been saving for Tiberius. She didn't know what Thor or the Head Table intended with Tony, but she wasn't letting them steal him without a fight.
“I knew we should have sent Bruce,” Thor sighed, frustrated. “Damnit.”