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[shawn]
there's a bottle of gin at your feet and a wilting rose tucked into suit pockets
and it's a competition for which one will kill you first
the jagged rocks at the bottom of a murky abyss
or his eyes, his smile
another swig and the rose is crushed in the palm of your hand
you loved and you let it kill you
(you would do it again)
[shawn]
you think you're losing him again
you've gotten used to this scene
the curtain drawing as you hide in the shadows
the princess in her tower up high and you in the shrubs
you play your part and you play it well
rehearsed words - flat and hollow
sunlight on newspaper with coffee in his cup
his cup, not yours
(take a bow, he almost bought it)
[shawn]
boyfriend
lover
words like cyanide on the tip of her tongue
meant to strip you down in front of everyone
meant to push you off course
with all the grace of an angry bull
and you are - you're an animal
in that you cannot get your fill
of pale skin and stolen kisses
(you're not ashamed)
[shawn]
you're in sixth grade
all gangly limbs and a sarcastic quip ready to go
summer has been kind to you and
you're feeling clever when you spin tales against her
one after another until it's not funny anymore
until he's no longer laughing
but you cannot stop
(you do not understand what compels you to inflict pain but you do it anyway)
[cory]
her lips are petal soft under your own
a familiar face as she trails kisses on bare skin
and you panic
you are an abandoned buoy at sea bobbing and swaying
screwing your eyes closed against the motion
of the universe unbalanced
bile collects in your throat and you tell yourself
that there must be a reason for that
but you keep it to yourself
and consult a doctor who takes one glance at you
and knows
you hastily spit out a partial truth (I'm not gay) (you're not, you're bisexual)
and find out that there's nothing wrong with you
but nothing is right either
(you love him more)
[shawn]
you were never good enough for him
but your heart never listened, never understood
simply pounded out a painful rhythm until your chest ached
and your arms were reaching for his before you could draw them back
you were never good enough
(but he makes you feel like someday you might be)
[cory]
you were only a child when you thought that pain was equal to love
and every rock flung in her direction was a compliment
you were only a child when those rocks turned on you
and left bruises on your heart
you were only a child when you learned that loving shawn hunter
was like hugging an atom bomb
and hoping you didn't die as you tugged him in closer
(you were only a child when you found love and decided it was worth the risk)
[shawn]
postcards and photographs
checks and birthday cards
greetings from Prague and Portugal
"wish you were here"
scrawled onto the back with a jumbled mess of scribbles underneath
every scribbled word crossed out and aggressively hidden
the truth in plain sight
I can't stop thinking about you
Is it too late to come home?
I loveyouIloveyouIloveyou
(cory holds love in the palm of his hand and he doesn't even know it)
[shawn]
you try to tell him that you love him
you try to tell him that you'd lasso the moon if he asked
you try to hug him tighter
you try to simply hold it together like your insides aren't trembling
you try to make it look like you're not walking away for good
you try to stay
you try
(you don't)