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It was simple, really. Littlecloud navigated all of his attachments through one easy to remember and always reliable rule: don't fall in love, no matter how much it kills you.
It helped being a medicine cat on top of this, he could easily say that he was simply dedicated to his job and following the code as it was meant to be, but he always knew that behind the dedication he put out, it all lead back to one fear, and one love that he'd lost so long ago.
After being made an apprentice early under Brokenstar, Littlecloud lost his kit-like innocence pretty quickly when bathed in blood from battle, losing his fellow apprentice friends left and right as they struggled to fight with the strength of warriors when they were too young to have even left their mothers’ sides.
But even amidst all the violence imposed on him, one light remained there, shining to guide him brighter than any star his young blue eyes had ever seen. The other, larger black-and-white apprentice, Whitepaw and later Whitethroat, was the one anchor that held Littlecloud back from losing it all.
At least, that was until the sickness from the carrion place began to spread in ShadowClan. Brokenstar had stretched all of his warriors thin, and purposefully deterred them from seeking help from the medicine cat, Runningnose, to try and build some false sense of resilience in his Clan. After Brokenstar had been taken captive by ThunderClan, ShadowClan suffered even more under the power vacuum, and disease spread like wildfire among the Clan cats. Littlecloud and Whitethroat were both stricken by the illness, and knowing that they would not be able to find the proper care in ShadowClan, Whitethroat suggested they'd travel in secret to ThunderClan and receive help there. Taken in by the kind medicine cat apprentice, Cinderpaw, the two made a full recovery.
And though Littlecloud returned safely to ShadowClan, Whitethroat was still too hesitant to return, and ended up allying himself with Tigerclaw and his rogues out of desperation as they took over ShadowClan. Later, when Tigerstar became recognized as the new leader of ShadowClan, they attacked a ThunderClan patrol, and Whitethroat, always adverse to violence, ran away from the fight.
And that was the moment that sealed the rule for Littlecloud.
Whitethroat was run over by a monster running down the thunderpath, and though Littlecloud hadn't been there to witness it, he still felt a gut wrenching feeling overwhelming him that something terrible had happened. Runningnose confirmed his premonition to him when a patrol of warriors returned to ShadowClan camp with the bloody, limp body of the first, and now the last cat Littlecloud’s heart had ever held on to, the only cat that brought a semblance of hope to him in the darkest period of ShadowClan’s history.
Gone . In one moment, that light had been robbed from Littlecloud and taken up into Silverpelt to adorn the night sky. To haunt him.
And so, inspired both by the loss around him, and the kindness Cinderpelt had shown him, Littlecloud apprenticed under Runningnose to become a medicine cat.
He couldn't love, no, not again. The loss has taken a chunk of him away, and if he ever loved again, he knew he wouldn't be able to handle that one more time. To love is to lose, not just the one you love, but a part of yourself too.
To love is to lose, and to lose is to break .
—
In the quiet of the ShadowClan medicine den, Firestar felt as though none of the troubles in his old Clan could reach him. The frequent visits from Blackstar gave him friendship to help him care more for himself after the dog attack and the subsequent amputation, and watching the leader and his deputy, Russetfur, engage in friendly banter every morning as they discussed all the intricacies of running a Clan was amusing to Firestar. With each morning stroll he took with either Blackstar or Littlecloud to ease into losing his back leg, he felt like he was becoming a proper part of their friend group, and certainly like he could rely on these cats to help him through anything.
But, of course, not being officially ShadowClan did mean he was somewhat confined to the medicine den, and though he’d at times get bored, he didn’t mind it as much.
Not when Littlecloud was there.
He didn’t quite know when it started, but he knew well that the feeling had become embarrassingly obvious to himself when Littlecloud had last checked on his health and helped him stretch out his now alone and overworked back leg. Feeling the tom’s fur brush against his own, and his warm breath ruffling Firestar’s ginger pelt whenever he spoke or let out sighs of approval, sent chills through Firestar’s body, the kind only one other cat had been able to stir in him.
Sandstorm.
The thought of his former mate was the most pervasive, the one that shackled him the most when it came to accepting his feelings. The complicated nature of him, a leader from another Clan, falling in love for a medicine cat of all things, was most definitely something that weighed him down, but it did not bring him to denial. Not the same way the memory of how his former relationship had ended.
I’m not meant to fall in love again. It 's not right. He’d tell that to himself everytime he found himself feeling his love towards Littlecloud, which annoyingly for him became each day more frequent as he helped the medicine cat with his job. This isn’t meant to happen!
—
This isn’t meant to happen...
Littlecloud refused to believe it. Not even if StarClan came down to him in his dreams would he let himself accept that he had fallen for the one cat that would bring the most trouble for him. Being a medicine cat easily wasn’t even the worst part about those feelings, it was the fact that Firestar was from another Clan, and the father of Leafpool, a cat who broke the same code that Littlecloud’s heart was stubbornly crossing over.
The code was there for a reason, one he knew damn well. To love is to lose, and as a medicine cat, you will always lose at some point. A medicine cat absolutely cannot let love get in the way, and most certainly not when it comes to a temporary patient, one he was supposed to send back home by now... And yet he simply couldn’t bring himself to do it.
How could he, really? With those wide, luminous green eyes Firestar carried with him, the eyes that brought an extra ray of sun wherever they happened to land. It didn’t help that alongside all of his charms, Firestar’s looks were nothing to scoff at. Seasons of being one of the most respected cats to have ever set paw in the forest certainly showed through his strong limbs and proud stature. It was common for other cats to tower over Littlecloud, and while Firestar was certainly on the smaller side as well, he carried himself with such determination it felt as though he was twice the size of Blackstar.
And yet, in spite of all of his perfection, he remained humble. A kind soul who knew not how to speak ill or even hold anger towards others. Littlecloud remembered when Firestar had kept Cinderpelt’s secret, and how he showed understanding to Littlecloud when he learned of Whitethroat’s death, and seasons later as he came to ShadowClan, about how much Whitethroat truly meant to Littlecloud.
Whitethroat. Littlecloud shook his head of his thoughts of Firestar, continuing to stock up his herbs as Firestar shared prey with Blackstar farther along the medicine den. How could I be so selfish? Whitethroat is waiting for me in StarClan, I can’t just move on.
But Littlecloud stopped, feeling a familiar cold come over him, one he could only recognize as the presence of a StarClan cat. He turned his head to the side, and though he saw nothing, the overwhelming feeling in his gut confirmed that his old love was there beside him now.
For a smidge of a moment, Littlecloud felt a twinge of guilt rise in him, but pricked his ears to the faintest words in the breeze. A voice he recognized with a painfully sweet heartbeat.
“You must accept it.”
In a blink, the presence was gone, and so did the voice of Whitethroat fade into the wind. Littlecloud looked over to Firestar, reluctantly realizing what the StarClan tom had told him.
I think I’m ready again. He thought as his eyes met Firestar’s, wordlessly confessing to the flame-colored angel that graced his den. I love you.
—
“Theeth oneths?” Firestar struggled to speak properly with a giant bundle of stems in his mouth that he’d picked from the ground, looking on to Littlecloud as the medicine cat approached, sniffing the plants Firestar had picked up.
Littlecloud smirked, drawing back his head slightly, though definitely still too close to Firestar. Keep calm, keep calm... Argh! I can’t! With quiet panic, Firestar set down the herbs to move his face away, hearing an amused mrow come from the ShadowClan tom.
“Those are just wildflowers, Firestar. I’m looking for feverfew.” Littlecloud bumped him endearingly, inciting a deviously playful rise in Firestar. He shoved Littlecloud aside, receiving an oomph! from the medicine cat as he staggered slightly, his tail lashing out teasingly. “Hey! It’s not my fault you can’t tell leaves from grass! All this time with me and you still haven’t learned your herbs properfly?”
“Well, it’s pretty hard to memorize them all when I haven’t been cooped up in a medicine den my whole life.” Firestar lowered a little in a crouch, eyeing Littlecloud. His eyes are so blue, so beautiful... He shook the thought away with a couple rapid blinks, inching in closer to the medicine cat.
“You’re one to speak!” Littlecloud retorted snarkily, his gaze squinting at Firestar with fake daring. “You’ve barely left the medicine den in almost two whole moons!”
“Oh, you shut it!” Firestar tackled Littlecloud, scuffling a bit with the brown-and-white tabby tom until he pinned him down, staring down at the smaller tom with triumph.
Things went silent for a while, Firestar’s playfully sense of victory simmering away as he spent what felt like eternity with the other cat beneath him, staring into his eyes deeply. His thoughts ran wild, loud and fast but so disorganized he could hardly make out any of them, with the only sentence eeking out of the mess paralyzing him. I can’t run away from this. I love him.
“Firestar...” Littlecloud murmured after a while, his dark eyes wide as they stared into Firestar’s. “We... um, have to get back to...”
“I think there’s something I need to tell you.” Firestar blurted out. What are you doing? You moron! Firestar hopped a little to the side to set Littlecloud free from beneath him, but the medicine cat remained still, laying on the long green grass.
“I have a feeling I know what it is.” Littlecloud said, his voice airy and hesitant. Firestar laid beside him, turning to face him. “...But you can say it first.”
“I...” Just make it quick, get it out of the way. Firestar felt a little dazed, unable to really process what he was about to admit. “I have feelings for you, Littlecloud.”
A thick tension filled the air between the two as Firestar’s words made their way out of his mouth, the ginger tom’s heart pounding in his ears as he anxiously awaited for a response, which in the moment felt like an eternity.
A purr broke through the silence as Littlecloud dragged himself over to Firestar, his snout just a couple whiskers away from Firestar’s ear.
“I like you too, Firestar.”
Firestar felt a mix of relief and immeasurable joy course through his whole being, a welcome warmth coming from both himself and Littlecloud as the small medicine cat snuggled into the leader, fitting his snout beneath Firestar’s chin. The space around the two became a symphony of purring as they laid there in bliss beside each other and under the pale moonlight.
I can’t believe it! Firestar’s anxieties couldn’t even reach him in this state. In the moment, the fear of being in love in a way that was forbidden on so many levels felt so far away, a problem that had no right to even exist in the first place. For now, all he felt was warmth, love, and understanding. His heart was being healed and filled with the sweetest adoration for him, for Littlecloud.
I love you, and no rules can change that.
Something inside of him told him that Littlecloud thought the same too.
