Chapter Text
Lando was sat on his sofa, knees tightly squeezed against his chest and head resting upon them as tears steadily poured down his flushed face.
It was the night before the first day back at MTC after off season, meaning that he would have to meet his new teammate, Oscar Piastri.
Now, normally this wouldn’t be something that Lando dreads. In fact, he generally enjoys being around new people, but thinking about a new teammate is making old memories resurface, memories that he tried hard to push down.
His past two teammates in F1 have been two drastically different experiences.
His relationship with Carlos grew even outside of the track, with Carlos learning things about him that Lando thought he would never share.
Their friendly relationship eventually blossomed into something more:they began dating. They were essentially stuck to each other, even after finding out that Carlos would be moving to Ferrari the following year, they managed to push through with only a few arguments. Lando felt as if it was perfect. But of course, something had to go wrong.
Lando has suffered with anxiety for what feels like his whole life, and yet he could never find a coping mechanism that stuck, until he discovered “Age Regression”.
He stumbled across it after a DNF in F2, he was skeptical at first, but that was instantly gone after he slipped for the first time. He came out of it with a clearer head than he had in years, he felt almost victorious that he had finally found something that can truly help him.
Even though it helped him a lot, he promised himself that no one could ever, ever find out, and this eventually included Carlos.
At the beginning of 2021, before the new season, Carlos decided to surprise Lando with a visit to England. Lando, unknowing of the trip, decided to drop that day. He was peacefully sat in his living room, playing with his cars and suckling on his pacifier, until he heard his door fly open.
His eyes darted up he heard a someone speak:“Lando…?” Carlos questioned, screwing up his face as he looked around the room.
“C-Carlos? What are you doing here?” Lando forced out, speech slurred from still feeling little.
Carlos took a step forward as he yelled “Never mind that! What the fuck are you doing with a children’s dummy in your mouth? Is this a disgusting kink of yours?”
Lando crawled backwards, trying to hide himself from Carlos, this is exactly what he had feared. “I-I” Lando tried, his speech failing him.
“Can’t you speak? If I knew about this little fetish of yours, I would have never dated you.” Carlos spat, getting closer to Lando.
He crouched down to Lando’s level and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at him. “Are you gonna tell me what this shit is or not, Lando?” He said angrily, still tightly keeping hold of Lando’s face.
“I-It’s to help with my anxiety, I-I promise! This would never be sexual I- “
Lando was cut off by Carlos letting go of his chin harshly, jolting his face back with force that created a sharp pain in his neck.
He was always aware of Carlos’ short temper, but he never thought it would turn into this.
“I asked for an explanation not a fucking excuse, Lando.” Lando whimpered in pain as he tried to move away.
Carlos grabbed his face again, forcing Lando to look at him, the man he loved, as he hurt him so, so deeply.
Carlos scoffed in his face, swearing under his breath. He gathered his things and looked back at Lando, who was still on the floor, cheeks flooded with tears and a deep scarlet hand-shaped mark starting to form.
“No matter if this is a fetish or not, this is fucking disgusting, Lando.” Carlos said as he approached Lando for the last time.
Lando looked up at him with pleading eyes, trying to show that he really isn’t a “freak”.
“You will never be able to live and race properly if you act like a child, Lando. We are done.” Carlos spat.
He stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him, leaving Lando alone, crying, trembling, and hyperventilating on the floor.
Lando angrily threw his pacifier across the room, where Carlos had left moments earlier. Carlos’ words replayed in his head over and over again “You are a fucking freak!”.
He hastily stood up and started to stumble towards his bed, promising himself that he would never let someone see him like that again.
So far, he had kept that promise.
With Daniel as his new teammate, he didn’t have to worry about helping someone else adjust to F1. This meant that he could mostly keep enough distance so that Daniel wouldn’t even start to think that Lando was a freak. This worked for most of the time they had together, excluding one very close call.
Lando was distraught. He had to retire the car due to some engine issues that were completely out of his control, theoretically knowing it wasn’t his fault should’ve made him feel better, but if anything, it made it worse.
He couldn’t wait until he got back to his hotel, collapsing onto the floor with tears rapidly falling down his face in his driver's room. He put his hand over his mouth in an attempt to muffle his heaves and sobs, but they were still so, so loud, it was starting to overwhelm him. He curled up more as he felt his age start to decline.
He heard a knock at the door. “Lando! Please let me in, are you alright?” A frantic Daniel shouted.
Lando shot up from where he was sitting and decided to let Daniel in, pushing the fuzzy feeling to the back of his mind. Daniel comforted him; it helped, but it didn’t feel quite right. It never would. He can never be comforted as if he was a child, he simply cannot risk it.
Thankfully for him, that was the only time Daniel ever came close to finding out about his other headspace.
He thought that as long as Daniel was his teammate he could just keep going like he was before, hiding it. So, he did.
Well, that was until at the end of 2022, when it got announced that Daniel was no longer going to be part of the team. Instead, a rookie would be taking his place.
He thought that he may have misheard, but there it was, everywhere. On social media, at MTC, he got asked about it everywhere he went.
He reacted positively to the public, saying how much of a great change it will be having to be the veteran, the teacher to his new teammate. But in reality, there was nothing he has ever dreaded as much as the start of the 2023 season.
Having a rookie teammate means that he can’t walk away alone and drop, it meant that he had to teach, reassure and help his teammate in his transition to F1.
The thought of all of these new responsibilities, ontop of the open wounds he still has from Carlos was making him tremble in fear. Hence why he was still awake, head pounding from the sheer number of tears he had shed.
“Carlos handled it, Daniel handled it, so why can’t I?” He thought, stressing to himself.
After a few hours, the seemingly endless crying and furious overthinking managed to tire him out enough that he managed to drift off to sleep.