Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

1

Kabru watched as Mithrun slowly chopped at a spring onion. He was struggling to keep his attention on both his hands and his face. He didn’t have to keep his gaze on the elf’s face, but he wanted to. When it came to wants, specifically Mithrun’s, he had taken a role as his main helper. It was his job to help Mithrun learn how to want again. Kabru believed he already had wants, even if he didn’t believe it, but he’d happily help Mithrun rediscover the ability.

Mithrun showed up at his door earlier that day and asked what he should want for dinner. Kabru tried to explain that he can’t tell Mithrun what he wanted, but he just stared up at him with that usual blank look on his face. One eye looking up at his face and the other unmoving eye looking down slightly at his chest.

He ended up sighing and suggesting a pasta dish. Forty years of no wants of his own was heavy on Mithrun, and it wasn’t that surprising that he had forgotten what wanting even was in some aspects. Mithrun nodded and continued to stare. It was at times like these that Kabru was thankful he spent so many years learning how to read people from their smallest actions, and the last few months trying to figure out the wants of Mithrun that couldn’t even be told by the man himself. He asked him if he wanted to help him cook them a meal, and he said he would help. One of these days he would get Mithrun to actively say he wanted something, even if it wasn’t today.

“Be careful, I don’t want you to cut yourself,” Kabru reminded him as his cutting speed sped up.

“I won’t, I haven’t hurt myself because I couldn’t be bothered in a while,” Mithrun answered. Kabru watched as he moved his hand to finish cutting the spring onion. He was still on edge about letting Mithrun cut things. When he first tried to teach Mithrun how to cook again after forty years of not trying out the skill, he had just let Mithrun do what he picked up. He still remembers how Mithrun couldn’t even be bothered to move his hand while cutting the first time and he ended up having to patch up his fingers. He had gotten so much better over the months.

“Put them in the sauce,” Kabru spoke as he stirred the bubbling mixture and backed off slightly to give Mithrun space. As Mithrun dumped the spring onions inside the sauce, Kabru truly could not stop staring,
Kabru was always a starer, but when it came to Mithrun, he stared even more. Mithrun was a mystery to him, even as he put just as much time, if not more, into him as he did with his former party members. Everyone wanted something from people, and even if they tried to hide it, if you knew wants, it was easy to read someone and use their manipulation to manipulate them. But Mithrun was different. Mithrun didn’t do anything based on his
wants, he didn’t even know how to find them anymore.

Kabru had always wanted to figure him out, help him become normal once again, but in that he had forgotten that what he was so used to for everyone else also applied to him. He wanted something from Mithrun. Once he just wanted confrontation, and then he wanted knowledge, he still did, but now he wanted more, so much more.

“Kabru? Why are you staring?” Kabru snapped out of his thoughts to realise he had not stopped staring. Shit, he thought he was better than this.

“Sorry, I was thinking of how great you’ve gotten at cooking again, I never got to see how you cooked before, but I bet you were really good at it,” Kabru praised to hide his thoughts.

“I was really good, it was easier when I wanted to do it, I remember cooking with my mother a lot, I’ll have to tell you that story one day,” Mithrun answered. Kabru nodded. This was a want. He did not enjoy the everything but straightforward storytelling that Mithrun enjoyed, but he’d do everything he could to help Mithrun realise his wants again.

After all, he loved Mithrun.

His want to figure out the elf had turned into a want for the man himself. He couldn’t understand himself. When it came to Mithrun, he forgot everything he spent his years learning. He simply couldn’t understand why it was Mithrun he had fallen for. He didn’t often think about falling in love when he was younger, but the small amounts of time he spent doing so, he thought it would be with a
nice, pretty tallman girl, someone his age who he had a romantic meet cute with. Nowhere in those fantasies did he end up with an apathetic elvish man, considerably older than him even if you did the math to make his age make sense in regards to a tallman, and definitely not someone he met in a political situation regarding the group he blamed for the pain in his childhood.

Kabru forced himself to stop thinking about it and lifted the spoon up and placed it at Mithrun’s lips. “Try it,” he offered. Mithrun opened his mouth and the spoon was pushed slightly into the new opening. Mithrun ate it’s contents. “It’s good,” he responded. “Let’s put it on the pasta.”

Kabru counted yet another unrealized want. There were so many unrealized, yet only one realized want. Kabru couldn’t do anything with his feelings for that reason. He didn’t believe Mithrun wanted him, but if he did, Mithrun wouldn’t believe it either. He had to be okay with this. This relationship they have is about
Mithrun’s wants. His own wants had no place.

Kabru served up their food and watched as Mithrun slowly lifted his fork up and ate. His wants would fade, but right now, he had to make Mithrun realize his wants had not faded entirely.

2

“Come on, please?” Fleki spoke through the fairy.

“Why does it have to be me?” Kabru asked.
One moment he was alone and getting ready for bed, and the next a fairy was up in his face and Fleki was asking for him to go over to
Mithrun’s and spend the night there.

“Because he only sleeps naturally around you, Pattidol says if we want to help him we should stop using sleep spells on him, but I’ve only ever heard of him sleeping naturally with you,” she explained, the fairy copying her pout.

Kabru had almost forgotten that Mithrun relied on sleep spells. He didn’t have the magic to do so, so he just found other ways to get him to sleep. Do elves not think about ways to tire someone other than magic? Or perhaps it’s just the canaries. He remembers getting caught in a conversation with Marcille and Falin about the relaxing properties of tea, and it seemed like Marcille had the most knowledge of it despite being an elf herself. But maybe she got that from her tallman heritage.

“You just have to massage him, he falls asleep quickly after that, especially if you can get the knotted muscles out of his feet,” he tried to explain to Fleki.

The fairy showed him her grimace. “Ew, no, I don’t care what fetish you’re into, but no one here wants to touch his feet.” Kabru wanted to argue that he wasn’t into feet, but after his latest magic talk with the canaries, he knew nothing would stop them trying to make fun of his sex life. He was still called Kabru the lubricant user, and he didn't even know the magic they teased him with at the time. “Just go and help him sleep and you can touch his feet all you want, we just want him to be healthy, and frankly you’re the best at helping him get healthy, so please, for him?”

Kabru sighed. He used to be good at saying no, knew a hundred ways to say no without consequence, but when it came to Mithrun, he couldn’t help but say yes. The elf had ruined him. “Okay, I’ll go and help him, but you can’t mock the way I help him.”

Fleki groaned. “Fine, I won’t, just go help him, he’s probably just lying in bed not doing
anything and he needs his sleep.”

“I will,” Kabru responded. Suddenly the fairy took a more neutral face and flew out the window. He should really ask one of the canaries to make him a fairy for himself, it sure would make communicating with them easier. He distantly wondered how they were made. Maybe Mithrun could teach him magic and he could learn how to make his own. That could maybe be a want. A desire to help Kabru.

He set out towards the small house Mithrun had purchased in the Golden Country. He thought it would be a good way to stay close to Kabru and learn how to take his desires back. Kabru had helped him pick out the house, somewhere close enough that they could visit each other but far enough away that he wouldn’t bother Kabru with everything he needed done. One of the first steps of wants is knowing how to care for your own needs. There were needs he was already able to take care of, he had been relieved to know that Mithrun at least cared about his bathroom needs, and he had gotten better at feeding himself, but sleep was always a struggle for him.
Kabru despised the swell in his heart when he thought about how Mithrun needed him for this. It wasn’t right to take advantage of Mithrun’s issues to satisfy this selfish crush of his.

He finally made it to Mithrun’s house and knocked on the door. After a few moments, the door opened and Mithrun appeared in front of him in some old clothes and his hair in a loose ponytail. The first time he arrived at his house and saw him like this it had made him proud. Mithrun was getting better. He was able to experience wants and act on them even if he didn’t realize it. He was excited for the day where Mithrun realized that ‘I want to change clothes’ and ‘I want to get my hair out of my face’ were large first steps.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, stepping aside to let Kabru in.

Kabru entered and turned back to face
Mithrun. “Fleki said you were having trouble
sleeping again, so I am here to help.”

Mithrun nodded. “Okay,” he spoke before moving to his bed. His sheets were tossed aside, and rumpled. Kabru vaguely wondered when he’d begin to want to make his bed.
Mithrun laid down and stared over at Kabru.
“I’m ready.”

Kabru smiled. He remembers how when he first offered to massage Mithrun, he had defied that it would work, but now he accepted it so readily. Kabru vaguely wondered if he would accept it as readily if someone else offered to do the same, or if they would also be met with the same words he had been met with. How wrong of him to wish it were the second. Either way, he knew he’d be the only one to offer like this, so there wasn’t even a reason to get jealous at the idea of someone else helping Mithrun out like this. He should learn to focus on the fact that this was helping.

He stepped forward and kneeled down next to the bed. He then placed his hands on Mithrun’s leg and pressed his thumb into a spot that he knew always contained knots.
“How do your muscles end up so stiff every day? You’d think it would get easier to do this, but it never does.” Kabru liked to ask questions, always had. He knew he rarely got the actual answers, as it was human nature to lie and cover up, but that didn’t stop him from asking and figuring out the answers himself. When it came to Mithrun, he did get the actual answers, and he knew Mithrun enjoyed answering the meaningless questions. Kabru had yet to understand why he liked giving up information on himself when it didn’t help him in the slightest, but if it was a want, it was good.

“I need to know what I'm teleporting, so I need to be tense,” he answered, looking up at the ceiling. That made sense.

“You should learn other magic so you don't have to be so tense all the time, it's important to have a well rounded skill set,” Kabru explained. He was a hypocrite, as was usual for humans. He regularly entered the dungeons despite not knowing how to fight monsters. He could name fifty methods of killing a human and fifty ways each method could play out, but if he wanted to be well rounded, he should focus on at least knowing one way to kill a monster more dangerous than a walking mushroom. At least he knows he can skewer one on his leg.

“Teleporting works,” Mithrun answered simply. Kabru should have expected that kind of answer. As far as he knew, Mithrun had only ever known teleportation, he couldn't convince him to use other kinds of magic when he was as unwanting as he was currently.

“Still, it could help, maybe one day I'll want to learn magic, what will you do then?” he spoke as he moved to massaging his feet. He could
use guilt, he wants Mithrun to get better, in wants and magic, because maybe magic could help unlock wants.

“I'm a horrible teacher, but I'll find you teachers, and you can learn from them,” Mithrun answered. Right. Mithrun isn't as easy as others.

Kabru continued, knowing the conversation was leading nowhere. He finished up the second foot and stood up. “There you go, now you can sleep.”

Mithrun looked over at Kabru. He was expecting a small thanks, or a ‘you can leave’, but the words that came out caused a shiver.
“Stay the night.”

He had heard the words many times. When he first arrived at the island, back when it was an island, he took no issue in taking advantage of the freedom he had never had being raised by his adoptive mother, and found himself in women's beds on most nights. Of course, he always ended up in his own bed to sleep. He never listened to their wishes, he was always open about the fact he was planning to leave, they were the ones who pushed. And yet, hearing Mithrun say those words, how could he say no?

Mithrun had broken him down. When it came to the walls Kabru had been building since his village was destroyed, Mithrun teleported each brick out and replaced it with the overwhelming desire he felt for the man. There was no escape from Mithrun, he had him wrapped around his finger.

Kabru sighed. Mithrun could believe it was to him, but it was because he was tired of his own feelings, the feelings that caused him happiness and misery. “Alright, move over.” Mithrun waited a moment before he did so, and while that happened, Kabru took off his shoes.

He got into bed with Mithrun, feeling a little off at how close he was to the edge. This was a twin bed, Kabru had hope for Mithrun regaining his desires, but no matter how much he thought, he could never imagine that kind of desire resurfacing, not in Kabru's lifetime at least. He felt guilty even imagining Mithrun experiencing that desire.

“You're going to fall off,” Mithrun stated.

“It'll be fine, you want me to stay, don't you?” Kabru pushed the word want into his words. The more he did so, the more likely it would be that Mithrun used the word as well.

“You can come closer,” Mithrun ignored the word. It was true, he could come closer, but they'd be pushed up against each other. That was too intimate. Mithrun could ask for anything, and as long as it was to help his wants, Kabru would do so. If he wanted to touch him, he would let him, if he wanted to cuddle him, he'd allow it, if he wanted to go further, Kabru would do so with little fight, but this was solely Kabru's wants. Mithrun was simply stating there was room, it was Kabru who wanted the touch and the intimacy. His wants had no place in Mithrun's life.

“I'll be fine,” Kabru answered. If he fell, it would be fine. As long as Mithrun slept well, it would be okay.

“This isn't a very good idea then,” Mithrun stated. “Forget I asked, you should go home and sleep normally.” Pain struck Kabru's heart. Mithrun wanted him to leave, without knowing, he wanted him gone. No. He didn't want him hurt. That was different. There was a way to stay.

“Fine, I'll move closer,” he stated. He moved and his chest was against Mithrun's, and Mithrun's face was next to his neck. It was too intimate, but it was for Mithrun, so he'd deal with it.

“Your heart beats quick, has work been difficult?” Mithrun asked. Kabru knew you could feel heart beat in your neck, and their chests were together, it shouldn't be surprising. But it was embarrassing.

“No, this is just a little new to me,” Kabru admitted. He could lie, but somehow his brain didn't land on that option.

“Are you okay?” Mithrun asked.

“Yeah,” Kabru responded. More than okay. Delighted and terrified even.

“Then it will be fine,” Mithrun answered. Kabru was happy he didn't ask anything more. Mithrun was done with the conversation, and shut his eyes, having to put far more effort into shutting his right eye. It was a miracle he bothered to open the right every day. Or maybe he had no choice.

Kabru was tense, left watching as Mithrun's breathing slowed. He was asleep now. It was possible to slip away now, pretend this had never happened, but Kabru could only focus on the way they were pushed together. He raised his arm slowly, and moved it above Mithrun. He could be selfish. He was used to being selfish, he was human after all. But with Mithrun it was different. He felt awkward and inhuman, he made him a better person in ways he believed were one true in the stories his adoptive mother would read to him.

He placed his arm around Mithrun. He was small enough where it was comfortable to hold him and large enough to feel far too much like the situation it was. He had held his party members before like this. Holm and Daya were two who would take the affection, not seeing it as anything more than platonic. Mickbell had forced him to hold him on a night where Kuro was away and he was struggling to sleep. Mickbell asked for familial love in holding.

Rin, the closest to his own height, had never been held by Kabru. Mithrun was the first. Mithrun was his first many. He disrupted the life Kabru had found easy, proved that he didn't know human behavior as well as he thought he did.

Kabru finally closed his eyes, and as he drifted off to sleep, he wondered if maybe he should have tried to be a better person. Maybe the he wouldn't be punished by wanting something so nonsensical as Mithrun wanting him.

3

The flowers were nice this time of year. They made people's mood lift and so they were put everywhere. Of course, now that happiness is easy to find, less people are willing to put in the work to visit the larger field to search for more happiness. Still, that made it easier to take Mithrun out to visit the flowers.

Flowers were such useless things for humans. He's pretty sure there are animals that rely on them, but for humans they are nothing but pretty things. Something that exists in the human life solely because they want them to.

He bent down and picked up a flower. “Want this?” He had slowly gave up on being secretive about how he spoke about wants. Mithrun had yet to say he wanted something, no matter how much he tried to hide the word.

Mithrun plucked the flower from his hand. “It's nice,” he responded. “Do you come here with
your girlfriend often? You speak oddly.”

Kabru felt his face flush. “No, I don't have a girlfriend, shouldn't you know that?” His time was mostly spent with Mithrun or helping other people, he had no time for a girlfriend.
He had no want for a girlfriend.

“Are you too young for one?” Mithrun asked.

Kabru had gone through this discussion many times. “I'm 22, that's six years into adulthood for tallmen, so I'm not too young, I just never
had a reason to want one.”

Mithrun hummed in response, and looked at the flower more. “My girlfriend used to love these.”

Ah, right. Mithrun once had a girlfriend in that mirror world. Kabru wracked his brain for a name. Mithrun always shared unimportant information, and had shared more than enough when telling him about his past.

“Wasn't her name Sultha?” Kabru asked.

Mithrun gave a rare smile. “Yes, the demon gave her to me, it feels wrong now, especially knowing what it lead to, but it made me happy all those years ago, to want someone and be
wanted by someone.”

Kabru ignored how his heart clenched. He knew Mithrun didn't want him, he shouldn't be so hurt at hearing it. “Do you think you'll ever date again?” he asked. He was thinking about pushing the words out of his head, believing the question to be selfish, but then he realised that wanting someone could be a great thing to work towards. He could leave Mithrun be if he was happy.

Mithrun tilted his head, his cut ears twitching slightly. He often forgot that they were elf ears, considering they were cut short like a tallman's. They were still adorable when they twitched. “Maybe, if I do learn to want again.”
He looked down and spun the flower between his fingers. “It would be nice, to know I am able to love and want again, I don't think I'd be able to stop myself from dating.” He hesitated. “But also, I don't know who I'd trust enough to fall in love with.”

Kabru wrapped his arm around Mithrun.
“You'll figure it out, you have a long time to heal.” He thought on how to make him think about wants a little more. “So, what about her did you like?”

Mithrun's face fell. “I don't remember, whatever I liked about her slowly morphed into what I wanted from her, I don't remember
who she was before I made her my girlfriend.”

Kabru felt guilty at what he said. It's okay. He could fix this. “You don't have to worry about that, when the time comes, you'll find someone who simply is what you want, and
you'll love them for being them.”

That seemed to heighten his mood slightly. “Is there anyone you are interested in? If so, you should be more concerned in making sure you can live a nice life with them than dealing with me, you only have 40 years left.”

There was that elven idea of short lives again. He tried his best to keep his face under control as he lied. “No, no one interests me, I
am more than happy to continue helping you.”

“Why? Shouldn't you be off doing what you want rather than helping me find my wants? We both know that'll take more than your lifetime will allow.” Kabru would make sure he'd be able to see the day where Mithrun could look him in the eyes and say he wanted something.

“Because I want to help you,” he answered. Mithrun was a staple part of his life now. He was once just a step into getting what he wanted, but now he was just Mithrun to him. Just someone he wanted by his side. When was the last time he had ever felt that? Long before his village’s destruction, that's for sure.

Mithrun stared at him blankly. He wanted a lot when it came to Mithrun, and one thing he wanted was to know how to read him.
“Tallmen are so strange, or is this just you?”

Kabru smiled down at the elf. “It's just me for you.” Mithrun could find him strange as many had before, but he knew it was different than all those times before. He cared for Mithrun, and he became stupid for him.

4

Kabru moved through the door carrying a basket of groceries. Mithrun could at least get his own, as he had been doing for years, but Kabru wanted to do something nice for Mithrun. He saw the food running low, and so he said he was going to the market.

He placed the basket on the table and looked over at Mithrun. He was reading a book. He was on the first few pages, so he'd either started it very recently or he had been staring at the same page very a long time. Wouldn't be the first time.

He moved to see what the title was and saw it was in another language. Likely Elvish. He looked at the cover and she two black silhouettes. Had he seem that book before? He thought back for a bit and realised he had seen Marcille with the book a lot before, but she hadn't been seen with it lately. On the other hand, Mithrun seemed to have gotten the book recently.

“Did Marcille give you that book?” Kabru asked as he sat on the edge of the bed.

Mithrun hummed in response. He looked up from the page. “I went to see how she was doing, it made sense to make sure she was repenting for her crimes. Turns out she knew I was trying to get my wants back and she gave me this book, she said it left her wanting.”

Kabru narrowed his eyes. Marcille was a nice lady, but she was a very specific type of lady as well. “What's it about?” he asked.

“It's pornographic, although I haven't gotten to that point yet,” Mithrun explained. Of course it was. Mithrun continued. “I've not been able to move on from this scene, it's the one where
they kiss for the first time.”

Kabru tilted his head. “Have you never read a kiss scene before? They're rather tame, I don't see why you would be so caught up on it.” He didn't care for them, he had only heard them when his adoptive mother read books to him after she ran out of children's books in the common language.

“No, I liked reading before I lost my wants, and romance is the largest genre for Elven media, it's just got me thinking.” Kabru noted how much Mithrun had changed as they became friends. He always loved saying things that didn't matter, but now he was open to doing so all the time.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked. The thought of kissing had him thinking as well, but that's not something he should mix with the idea of Mithrun anymore than he already was.

“Kissing is a very basic want, right?” Mithrun asked. Kabru nodded. One of the wants that didn't overlap with a need such as food and sleep, but romance was a very big want for a lot of people, and kissing was the basic of a want for romance. “Most of these basic wants I try aren't really wants, just needs, but maybe if I try out kissing I can learn how to want again,” Mithrun finished explaining as he put the book down.

Kabru was incredibly shocked at the words. Mithrun was genuinely trying to regain his wants. That was a want in his own, wasn't it? He then focused on the words of kissing. “That's not something you should do if you don't want it, it could mess up your mind if you don't want it and do it anyways.” The way he described having his desires eaten sounded far too much like the degeneracies in the world, and he didn't want Mithrun to go further into a truer version of it.

“It's not that I don't want it, I just can't want it, it's more in the middle if anything.” Kabru didn't understand any of it, but he trusted that Mithrun knew what not wanting things meant. He had been going through it for almost twice the time Kabru had been alive after all.
“Still, it's not like you have anyone to kiss,” he supplied. The idea of Mithrun kissing someone brought a shiver of jealousy down his spine. He tried to push it down. Mithrun could do whatever he wanted, that was exactly what this was all about. No matter how much he wanted Mithrun, this was not about him.

“I have you,” Mithrun spoke.

Kabru froze again and he felt a different shiver run down his spine. “What?” Did he here him correctly? He couldn't have.

“You said you want to help me discover my wants again, is this not something you are willing to do?” he asked.

“I am willing, but isn't this a bit much?” He felt his heart beat fast. Mithrun really was ruining him.

“If you don't want to, I'll find a different way to get my wants, but I'm tired of waiting, and I trust you,” Mithrun explained. Kabru felt his body heat. This was so much, and he couldn't help but get obsessed with his words. He wanted so much more. “You said you were an adult, you said you were willing to kiss me, so what is stopping this? I know I can't want to
kiss you, but I consent to kissing you.”

His feelings were the biggest issue. If he was allowed to kiss Mithrun, he could only want more. He'd get greedy, and things would only change for the worse.

Kabru sighed. “Okay, I'll help you.”

Mithrun got onto his knees and scooted towards where Kabru was sitting. He was at face level now, and incredibly close at that. Kabru was glad he was born with dark skin, it would be dangerous if Mithrun could see the way his face flushed.

Mithrun took his chin in his hand, and Kabru couldn't handle having his eyes open any longer, so he closed them and let Mithrun lead. After he closed his eyes, he felt chapped lips on his. It was a stiff feeling, showing how long it had been since Mithrun had kissed anyone. Kabru still enjoyed it, it felt so much like Mithrun.

Mithrun pulled away after a few seconds and Kabru opened his eyes. Mithrun had a troubled expression on his face. Shit. Did he do something wrong? Did Mithrun truly not want this? “This isn't working,” he stated. Before Kabru could ask, Mithrun hiked a leg over Kabru's hip and sat in his lap. Oh. Oh, he could work with this.

Instead of having his hands stuck by his sides, they found Mithrun's waist. It didn't take long before they were back at it and kissing. It was less stiff this time, and a little deeper.
Kabru could definitely work with this.
In the end, Mithrun felt no different, and Kabru felt much different. As he stared at Mithrun go back to reading his book, Kabru focused on the pain in his heart. He had been given something he wanted, but he could never stop wanting Mithrun in his entirety.

5

It had been weeks since Mithrun had kissed Kabru. It ran in his head non-stop. Now whenever he was with Mithrun, he wanted nothing more than to reach for him, hold him, keep him for himself. It was an obsession at this point.

Kabru laid awake at night, thinking about the elf. How could he function when Mithrun was right there? He couldn't. He was failing. His former party members noticed, the kings court noticed, even the rest of the canaries noticed. He needed to put a stop to it. He wanted to help Mithrun, but more than that, he wanted to be normal with Mithrun, and that could only happen if there was nothing between them.
He walked up to Mithrun, who was talking to a few of the canaries. “Mithrun, can we speak in private?” he asked, looking between him and the other canaries.

Mithrun nodded before turning to the others. “I'll be back soon,” he spoke before walking off with Kabru. They could vaguely hear some teasing, and that only made Kabru feel worse for what he was going to do.

They made their way to a discreet spot before stopping. Mithrun didn't say anything as he waited for Kabru to speak. Kabru hated it all. “I think it's best if we go our separate ways,” Kabru stated. He knew how to soften blows, he could do this. It would just hurt him more.

Mithrun's brow furrowed. “We just got here.” Kabru didn't know if he was just ignoring what he was saying or genuinely didn't get it. Not getting it felt more like Laios behaviour, but it could be possible for Mithrun.
“Not just this, but all of this, I think it would be best if we don't see eachother anymore.” Kabru tried to ignore how much like a break up this sounded like. He should research how to leave behind friends more, he must have done too much research on break ups.

“I thought you were going to help me discover how to want again?” Mithrun's expression was mostly expressionless, but there was a soft sorrow on his face.

Kabru pushed forward through his own sorrow. “You were right, there is no use to me helping, I'll only be around for another 40 years, it's too short.” Referring to his life as short felt wrong, but it was mild compared to how wrong it all felt.

“You're lying,” Mithrun stated. Kabru could barely control his face. “I know you Kabru, I've gotten to know you well, just like you got to know me, and while you're secretive, I can figure you out, and I know that what you want is to lie to make things easy, so tell me the truth.” Kabru truly felt like he was baring himself to Mithrun. He was used to seeing everything and picking up on every small human trait, but having the same done to him made him feel like he was standing naked in front of the elf.

He couldn't escape from Mithrun. Mithrun was always going to destroy his life. He could only tell the truth, no matter how much he wanted to lie. “I want you, Mithrun.” He watched as his eyes widened slightly. “I want more than you can give me, I want to continue to kiss you and love you and to have a life with you, I want to be by your side until my death and haunt you as a happy memory, but you can't want me, so I think it's best to cut this before we both get hurt more than we already have been.”

Mithrun stared at him silently before speaking after a few moments. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“Because it's not my place to be selfish, I should help you, not want you,” Kabru explained. He was doing his best to ignore the wetness in his eyes. “And either way, you can't want me, so what would have happened if I told you?”

Mithrun looked down. “I don't know.”

“Exactly, so let me ruin this, let me help you so when you learn to want, you can want to hate me.”

“I could never want to hate you,” Mithrun responded.

“You'll learn to one day, and I hope I can at least hear about it, even if I'm not able to see it.” Kabru turned around and began to walk away before turning back. “I want you to be happy, so please, do your best to desire without me.” He finally walked away entirely.

Mithrun stared at Kabru as he walked away as he felt a wetness fall down his cheeks. He's cried twice in the past 40 years, both because of Kabru. Once out of happiness, and once out of sadness.

He felt a clenching in his heart, and he felt like he could see Kabru standing in front of him still, saying he loved him again and smiling at him. Kabru was with him in his mind despite the fact he knew it wasn't real. What was this feeling?

It was almost like he wanted Kabru back.

Chapter Text

Mithrun simply stood there as Kabru left. What else was he to do? Fall, run, scream. Those were things people who wanted did, people who had a reason for the pain that ripped through his heart and into his soul.

He wiped at the tears running down his cheeks, staring down at his wet hand. He struggled to control his breathing as the salty tears dried against his fingers. How long had it been since he felt this way? The emptiness was something he was long used to, he had forty years of experience to get used to it, but this wasn't just emptiness. This was a void. It pulled his nerves inside and caused him to feel on edge. Almost like his barely kept together being was falling apart yet again.

“Captain? You've been separated for quite some time, did something happen?” Pattadol moved towards him, her hands pushed together, playing with themselves. Mithrun turned around, not quite sure how to respond. Pattadol gasped at his crying.
“Captain! Did Kabru hurt you? What did he do?” she shouted as she ran to him, holding his shoulders in a bruising grip.

The pain was nothing to Mithrun, as his mind was swirling and swimming. It was all Kabru. Kabru. Kabru. Kabru. Kabru was his stability. He was who kept Mithrun going after his revenge had been taken and he had nothing to live for. Mithrun lived for Kabru, who patiently helped him find another reason to live. But did he need one? Kabru was enough for him. He may never be able to want, but Kabru was a fixture of his life he could live with forever. But now there was no chance. Kabru was far too different from Mithrun. Kabru wanted. He wanted to take and keep and take some more, and Mithrun was something he wanted to take and keep for himself.

“Captain, please, answer me, I'm worried,” Pattadol begged.

Mithrun opened his mouth, forcing words out. “Kabru loves me.” Facts. Kabru would state facts on the rare moments he didn't know what to say, he could follow in his footsteps. He had to figure out how to deal with all of this now that he didn't have Kabru. Barely five minutes and he already struggled to live on his own. Since when had Kabru became a need?

Pattodol’s eyes scanned his face for a few moments before answering. “Are you uncomfortable because he is young? I understand, I know short lived races don't quite understand our discomfort, but it's reasonable to reject him based on that, expected even,” she began trying to calm him. “But I know he is your friend, he will not hate you for not wanting to date such a young man, you can continue your
friendship.”

Right. That was the reasonable excuse.
Their relationship can't happen because Mithrun is over eight times his age, and will live almost eight times how much longer Kabru will live. If only that reason was the real reason. There was always ignoring that. Otta had a high preference for halffoot women, and she didn't care for the stigma around dating them. If Mithrun so wanted (could have wanted), he would have dated Kabru.

Mithrun shook his head. “Kabru told me he loved me knowing he planned to never speak to me again.” Pattadol's face twisted slightly, her eyebrows raising in confusion. “He doesn't want to be selfish; he doesn't want to want someone who can't want him back.” He was used to the word want feeling distant to him, but he can't help but feel like the word isn't even real with how it consumes his vocabulary.

Pattadol opened her mouth before quickly shutting it, pulling a hand away from him but keeping one attached to his shoulder, continuing her tight grip. “Do, do you want him?” she asked with a stutter. Despite everything she had seen from Mithrun, it was a serious, true, question.

Mithrun pressed his mouth into a flat line. How was he to answer that? Of course, the question was no. He could never want, even now that he had tried for so long. So long beside Kabru. He finally spoke. “I need him.” He needed Kabru like he needed to eat. He came back into his mind again and again and became such a staple part of his life he believed he would truly die if he went too long without him.

Pattadol let out a deep breath. “You need him, and he wants you?” He nodded. “Do you need a relationship with him?” Mithrun didn't know. How do you need a relationship? He only knew of wanting one, and that was far beyond his own ability. Pattadol noticed his silence and finally let go. “I think you should talk to him; I rarely talk to him myself, but if he loves you, he will be willing to talk to you. If there's anything I learned from this whole dungeon mess, it's that wants can be used, so I think it's time you use that and make things right between you and
Kabru.”

Mithrun nodded, although he didn't answer her. He bid him a goodbye with the promise that she would explain he couldn't come back to the meeting before leaving. He should talk to Kabru like she said, but he couldn't. He didn't understand this void in his heart. He should ask Kabru about it, but he needed to understand his feelings before talking to him.

He doesn't remember the last time he thought this much. It was likely shortly after he had his desires eaten. Or maybe when Kabru said he'd help with his desires. He didn't really need to think with Kabru around.

He brought his palm up and jammed it against his head, causing a pain to shoot through his head and stop his thoughts. Thinking about Kabru is dangerous. He couldn't do this now. He could wait. Days, weeks, months, years. He could wait until Kabru was dead and wouldn't have to deal with these emotions. Although then he'd miss Kabru. Were these feelings always this hard? What even were these feelings?

Kabru was everywhere. He was in the streets and in the fields, everywhere Mithrun went, it felt like Kabru followed him. Was this actually all a test? A way to see just how Mithrun would react to wants being aimed so truly at him? No. Kabru wouldn’t do that, especially judging by how he refused to even look at him. Kabru was a master when it came to lying. He had wanted to avoid many people before, told Mithrun such, and yet he knew how to avoid them seamlessly, and when he had to meet them, he knew how to carry conversation with them. This was different. Kabru would meet his gaze with shaky, wide eyes, and would stumble as he entered the crowd yet again.

He was truly trying to avoid Mithrun. He didn’t want to see him anymore, didn’t want to be tempted. Mithrun vaguely wondered if he would do the same if he had confessed to Kabru knowing nothing would ever happen between the two. He didn’t think he would, he needed Kabru. That was one difference between their relationships with each other that he could never forget. Kabru wanted him, and Mithrun needed him. How was it that Mithrun was left feeling like he didn’t give enough by needing him? Were wants truly that strong? If Mithrun wanted Kabru, would he stop needing him?

Mithrun let his head slam onto the table, startling the canaries. Getting lost in thought while with them always lead to worry, he should stop doing that.

At some point he had decided to unravel all that progress he had made by Kabru's side and stay home. Kabru wouldn't be in his house, he was safe from the thoughts there surely.

He had to remind himself that pressing his face against a pillow made it hard to breath as he so desperately tried to avoid looking anywhere in his home. Kabru shouldn't be in his home, but he was. Kabru was who made it a home. He'd recommend keeping plants and how to organize cutlery so he didn't do the bare minimum. Kabru turned this place from Mithrun's house into their home.

Mithrun had almost enjoyed how domestic they had become, it made everything feel like life was back to normal, that he deserved normalcy and intimacy despite what had been taken from him.

Mithrun turned himself around in bed and pulled a deep breath into his lungs. He should know better than to believe he could ever make what he had with Kabru last. If you don't want things, you don't get things. He had seen it before, seen how people tired of him after seeing what a pathetic excuse of a person he had become. He had the canaries of course, they were by his side, but that was a different story. They knew who he once was and wanted to help him for that version of him, Kabru wanted to help the current version of him simply to help the current version of him.

His mind wandered back to how he had told his story to Kabru, spilling so much and tripping over sentences. He had done so because Kabru could see who he once was, show him that he wasn't always this wantless husk, that he once was something of value. He knew things had changed after he did so, they always did.

But it wasn't how he had expected it to go. Kabru hadn't cared entirely for the story. Mithrun may be lacking in desires and directional skills, but he wasn't an idiot. He knew who Kabru was, and he had conducted a version of Mithrun from what he wanted from the story. While others saw him as what he had told them, Kabru saw him as someone who needed greater than anyone who wanted could.

“I won't be the same,” Mithrun had once argued when Kabru was especially caught up on wants.

“I know that,” Kabru had stated, an annoyed tinge to his voice. “It's like you forget that human behaviour is my focal point, I should know better than anyone that people are in a constant state of change, I know you'll never be who you once were.” There had always been something mesmerizing about having someone who cared so much for the human mind take such interest in his own.

Mithrun stared up at him, his working eye focused on Kabru's face. “So what's the point of you helping me, I won't be able to
return to the life I had.”

Kabru had just done that charming smile he had seen so many times before. He had distantly wondered how much of it was truth and how much of it was the persona he had spent his life creating for others. With current knowledge, Mithrun knew that the answer was more truth than Kabru wanted to commit.

Mithrun was enough for Kabru. After what the demon had done, after it had opened him up and took everything it could from him, Mithrun believed he would never feel enough for someone. He still didn't. And yet it didn't matter how he felt, because Kabru wanting him was the truth. He was missing a lot of himself, parts of himself he'd never be able to get back in the same way he once had it, and yet Kabru still found himself wanting Mithrun.

It was times like these where being able to sleep easily would be useful, as Mithrun's thoughts continued to spiral. Kabru wanted Mithrun, but they way he spoke made it sound so clearly like he didn't want to want Mithrun. He had forgotten wants could do that. He must have felt the same in some way once upon a time.

Would Kabru's wants one day fade because they couldn't be fulfilled? Or would they continue to fester and grow into a mess inside Kabru's brain until it resembled starvation and hunger? Mithrun thought the idea of Kabru becoming greedy when it came to him would be off-putting, too similar to past experiences, but when he played the ‘what if's in his head, they were nothing like what he had experienced.

Whereas the demon had taken and eaten out his wants, stealing from Mithrun, he knew Kabru wouldn't do the same. He
wouldn't steal his wants, he'd… he'd…

He'd cultivate them, he'd make it equal, and in turn, he'd ask the same from Mithrun, and Mithrun would agree to do so. He needed the company, needed the feeling of being wanted, needed Kabru.

A sob wracked through his throat as not only be realized he wouldn't get what he needed, but that he wouldn't be able to fulfill the first want he had other than revenge for fourty years.

It had to be want. There was no way it was anything other than want. He knew needs, knew they were important, but he had long post the ability for them to be overwhelming. This however? This want? This pure greed? It pulled his nerves tight and caused an endless barrage of thoughts to slam against the sensitive emotions Kabru left behind.

Had want always felt so, so… feelable?
He placed a hand on his heart, feeling it quicken, half from how he was feeling about Kabru and half from what he was feeling about his wants. He wanted something. He wanted someone. He wanted Kabru.

Wanting was an odd feeling, exactly as addictive as he had last remembered it, but even more sickening. It felt like a plague on his perception of Kabru, a poisonous gunk that smeared across his image. It was like how certain poisonous animals are brightly coloured to both ward off predators and attract mates, except he was both the predator and the mate. Perhaps he should stop talking to Laios.

To say he laid awake that night thinking about anything and everything that could be related back to Kabru would be more than the truth. He expected having his wants come back to feel good. Sure, it's not like his wants came back, just a new one formed. A single want, never felt by him before. Maybe Kabru was truly right about how it worked, and that he would simply need to create new wants. It would mean he'd never really feel the want to eat or pursue his old hobbies, but he could fill his life with new wants, such as his want for Kabru. And yet, that brought him back to how horrible it felt. How horrible it felt to know so truly what you craved, and not be able to have it. He had been down this road before, seen its horrors, and he almost felt sick at what it meant to have a want that couldn't be granted by himself.

He had to control his breath to make sure it didn't quicken to a dangerous level. The demon was gone. There was no taking advantage of him anymore. Shit, he needed Kabru by his side. Needed the reassurance that everything would heal and he could become normal. Normal people don't cry at the mere idea of wanting something they couldn't have, normal people cried over what they couldn't have. Perhaps that was mixed in as well, he did feel like there was a lump in his stomach at the fact that Kabru wasn't here, but there was more to it than that. More Mithrun specific weirdness, more abnormalcy that he wishes didn't exist.

He knew the situation between him and Kabru would never be normal, and had never been normal. A man who couldn't want and a man who had originally blamed Mithrun and the canaries for what went wrong in his life. But they found a ground between them that was greater than anything he had wished for from the demon. It was the happiness and gratitude that came from wanting something and working to get it. He had opened himself up after being forcefully opened, and had let Kabru enter his life beyond a mission. And he had been rewarded for doing so. He got to have Kabru.

It was nice. It always had been nice, to work for something you wanted dearly and to get it, to treasure it and have it. It was better than simply being handed it, where you would eventually tire of it. The life he had been given by the demon was long lasting in some aspects, but he couldn't deny that he often grew bored of things. But Kabru? His life with Kabru was something he could see going on until Kabru's death.

He took in a deep breath and chucked his legs over the side of the bed, causing his head to dizzy at the speed mixed with the exhaustion of a sleepless night. He felt a compulsion to move, to join Kabru's side once again. Kabru had been happy by his side before, he could make it so he was again.

“You can't want me.” Kabru's words echoed in his head. Kabru was wrong again, as they had found happened a lot when it came to deconstructing his belief system now that Mithrun was a viable example. Mithrun could want Kabru. He did want Kabru. He didn't know if he liked wanting Kabru, but couldn't they work it out after he got Kabru back into his life? Wanting someone before landed him in a situation where everything fell apart, but now that he and Kabru were already falling apart, Mithrun saw no reason not to chase his wants. It was honestly thrilling in a way he had long forgotten. It made him queasy and barely able to keep the tiny dinner he had last night down.

He pulled himself up from bed and threw on a long jacket. It would be good enough. He left his house and started the long journey of remembering the directions to Kabru's house. The last time he had gone over without Kabru's guidance it took an embarrassing half an hour to make the normally five minute walk. After the want ordeal is dealt with and he returns to being an almost normal person, he can work on his directional skills.

He saw the way people stared at him, whispering and pointing. He was used to
it. If they were in his situation, they wouldn't do so, they would understand that this was a turning point in his life. Or call him a creep if they knew that it was because he was hoping to get together with a tallman at the end of this trek. Relationships were hard even without the unnecessary difficulty that is a lack of wants.

After too long, Mithrun spotted Kabru's house and ran towards it, sharp stones digging into his feet and reminding him he had forgotten to put on shoes. He truly was a mess today. He thought having no wants was a mess, but this stupid want called Kabru made everything a jumble in his mind.

He met the door and knocked. Once, twice, thrice. The door opened and he was immediately met with Kabru's twitching face. “Mithrun,” he began, his voice layered with a too true and too fake sweetness. “I'm sorry, when I said we should go our separate ways, it's for both of our best interests, so I think it's important to stick to that.” His voice was too practiced. There was always a layer of practice to Kabru's every action, and it amused Mithrun most of the time, like seeing a play he had seen enough times to know every step but too many times to care for it. This time it confused him. Had he truly rehearsed those lines? He was expecting Mithrun to break their one-sided agreement? It shouldn't have been such a shock, Kabru always had much more hope in Mithrun than he himself did, but it was odd to see it when he wasn't explicitly stating his hopes to Mithrun.

Kabru quickly moved to shut the door, but before it could even close, Mithrun was in the house. Kabru swapped his gaze between the now broken plate on the ground outside and where Mithrun was sitting on his table. “I'll get you a new plate,” he stated as he pushed himself off the table. “But first you have to listen to me.”

Kabru's face stayed that same, slightly twitchy way. He forced a sigh. “Okay, I'll give you time to explain whatever you need, but it's best if you leave right after,” he lied.

Mithrun took a step towards Kabru, looking up at him. “Separation won't work,” he started.

Kabru's brows furrowed, but he tried to keep smiling without it turning too true. “I know, it's hard, but it'll be fine eventually, and then you don't have to worry about how badly I want you,” Kabru explained. It was such an odd way of explaining, as if he was doing Mithrun a favour by pushing himself out of Mithrun's life.

“Not once have I worried about how much you want me,” Mithrun replied, his voice stronger than it had been in a long time. “I see no reason why you wanting me should be a problem, especially since…” His words trailed off. Saying he wanted Kabru felt impossible to say. He was frankly terrified at how the word would come out.

Kabru looked away from Mithrun. “You don't need to know why it's a problem, you just need to understand that it is a problem. You can never want me, and that's reason enough, so I think it's time we stop this conversation and you go home,” he argued, his voice raising in an uncharacteristic way.

Mithrun's heart clenched and it was as though that was the lever that allowed the words to fall out of his mouth. “But I do want you Kabru, I want you more than I've wanted anything in the past fourty years.” His breath felt light and his stomach was doing loops at the words. When had wants gotten so hard?

Kabru's face snapped back to face him, and it had changed to a gaping mouth and wide eyes. Mithrun didn't get to enjoy the sight for long, as it quickly became controlled into a more Kabru style. “You're just saying that to keep me around,” he stated, a sorrow laced into his voice.

Mithrun's brows furrowed and his lips were a fine line before they opened. “Isn't that what want is?” he argued. “I'm saying and doing things I didn't think I would ever do again just to have you by my side, because I want you by my side.” Kabru watched Mithrun intently. “I came all the way out here after getting lost, I didn't sleep at all last night just thinking about you, I feel sick just thinking about how you aren't by my side anymore, and it feels like a piece of me is missing when I don't have you, is that not want? Is that not greed?” he asked. “Think whatever you want, and be wrong or right, but I want you Kabru, I want you by my side, and I'm willing to do what it takes to fulfill this want.”

Kabru's expression threatened to fall, and Mithrun was wrapped in his arms before he could see the way it fell. Mithrun placed his forehead in the crook of Kabru's neck, feeling the vibrations as he spoke. “Why, why do I feel like everything I've known crumbles when it comes to you?” Kabru asked. Mithrun could say the same. He never thought he'd be thinking through the lenses of wants again. “I want you so bad I throw away everything I've tried to become, and hearing you say you want me back, I don't think I can possibly keep up.”

“I don't mind if you let go, as long as I get to keep you,” Mithrun murmured. Being greedy felt good.

Kabru pulled away and stared Mithrun in the eyes. “Are you sure you can handle wanting me? I'm proud that you learned to want again, believe me, but is this something you can keep up with?” Kabru asked, trying to deflect the situation from his own feelings.

“I don't know,” Mithrun answered. Perhaps he rushed into the greed a bit too quickly, but that's what wants did. “But if I can't, I'll learn how to handle losing what I want again, it's not going to be as hard as losing my wants.”

There was a dark change in Kabru's eyes. “I'm giving you an out, if you say you want me, I'm going to be greedy, I'll want you until the day I die,” Kabru warned enticingly.

Mithrun gave a soft smile. “I want you.” He barely had a moment to think about how the words changed to feel so good when lips were on his. It was nice. He wasn't sure if kissing was something he'd learn to want again or if that was something lost to him, but it certainly wasn't something he'd say no to.

As Kabru held Mithrun close, he had a million wants going through his head. He couldn't get over how many of them were wanting to here Mithrun say he wanted something new. It's okay. They had more time, Mithrun could truly want, and could truly say he wanted something. It would happen eventually, and Kabru wanted to be by his side as he said every want.