Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Middlesex, Virginia— October 31st, 1988

Donnie was dead.

He knew he was. He knew because he was supposed to be dead, it was the only way to fix everything. The only way to save his mom and Sam, and Gretchen, and Frank. The only way to save the people he loved was to sacrifice himself, and he did so gladly.

He wasn’t scared, not when he realized what he had to do or even when the fucking jet engine began ripping through his ceiling. He smiled and laughed, and embraced death warmly, like an old friend.

I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief. Because there will be so much to look forward to.

And he breathed that sigh of relief, and he felt death wash over him like a summer breeze. Like waves taking him out to sea.

But the feeling only lasted for a moment.

The peaceful darkness was suddenly replaced by blinding bright lights shining down on him from above. Like a spotlight, exposing his vulnerability for everyone to see. It was hot and cold at the same time and he suddenly had the worst headache of his life, the loud blaring sirens only making it worse. His mouth was dry and his ears were ringing. It was all dark around him and he realized he hadn’t yet opened his eyes.

Could this be what comes after death?

Donnie hoped not.

He forced his eyes to open, fluttering weakly as his vision came into view.

Before he’d even opened his eyes fully, the room was spinning. There were lights, and they were too bright. He could hardly keep his eyes open. He heard beeping around him, the steady drum of heart monitors and medical supplies, but they sounded too close to be someone else’s.

Shit. They were his own.

Through his foggy vision, he saw his mother, dozing in a chair at his bedside, looking exhausted. But how could it be? His mother was dead. Had he really saved her?

Without thinking about how much he was probably worrying her, he reached out and grabbed her knee, shaking it slightly when she didn’t wake at first.

“Mom,” he called to her.

His voice was weak and scratchy, and it hurt his throat to speak. He attempted to clear his throat and tried again.

“Mom.”

His mother jolted awake, her eyes meeting him instantly. He saw the tears welling up in her eyes and internally kicked himself.

What had he gotten himself into now?

“Oh, Donnie.” She muttered, her voice breaking.

She rushed to his bedside, taking a seat on the edge and pulling him into an embrace. It didn’t help with his dizziness but he didn’t care. His mother was holding him and he held on like she was his rock in a storm, the only thing grounding him to reality.

“Donnie, Donnie.” She spoke his name quietly and softly, like it was sacred.

Like he wasn’t anything but that.

She was crying and he didn’t know what to say. Unfortunately, his mind spoke for him and he didn’t even get to think about what he was saying to her.

“Where’s Frank?” He asked, muffled through her shoulder.

It seemed like a good question to ask at the time. He really was curious about Frank.

Was he okay? Was he gone forever now? Had Donnie fixed the universe?

He didn’t get a response, only the sound of his mother’s voice breaking as she broke into sobs. She held him tighter and ran her fingers through his unruly hair. The feeling was comforting and he relaxed into her.

He didn’t understand why she was crying or why his question had upset her. He was confused and starting to feel sick. He just closed his eyes and let his mother hold him, and pretended like he was a little boy again and nothing bad had ever happened.

//

When Donnie woke up again, it was dark.

Moonlight spilled through the curtained window somewhere beside his bed and streaked across the bottom of the thin hospital blankets that were draped over him.

He didn’t know what time it was or even what day it was. Had October really restarted? Had he survived the jet engine? Or did the night of the Halloween party really happen?

The questions made his head hurt more than it already did, they were too loud and fast and he wished they’d just shut up.

He turned his head towards the chair at his bedside. Where his mother had once been sleeping, Elizabeth—his older sister—replaced her. She was dozing and Donnie assumed it was late.

“Elizabeth,” he started, his voice frustratingly weak.

But unlike his mother, she woke quickly, sitting up as soon as he spoke.

She looked tired, her eyes deep set and rimmed with dark circles. He wondered how long he’d been unconscious and how long she’d been sitting there waiting for him to wake up.

Elizabeth smiled through her apparent exhaustion and reached out, running a hand through his hair—just like his mother had. She moved from the chair to the edge of his bed, looking down at him softly.

“You’re finally awake.” She said quietly, her raspy voice more so than usual.

He looked up at her tiredly. It didn’t seem to matter how long he slept, it seemed like he was chronically exhausted.

“How long was I out?” He managed.

“You’ve been in and out for a day or so.”She nodded to herself, messing with a loose thread on her jeans.

“But they really doped you up yesterday so they told us not to be too worried.”

He felt confused and it took all the willpower in him not to ask every single question that ran around his mind.

“What happened? What’s going on?”

It was probably too many questions, but he wanted answers. He didn’t know what was going on, he felt like he was in some alternate dimension. He sounded upset, even to himself.

Elizabeth’s expression dropped and he saw the tears brimming her eyes.

“Just calm down, Donnie, it’s gonna be okay.”

“No, where’s Frank? I’m—Elizabeth, please just tell me.”

“You need to just rest right now, okay?”

“No. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.”

“Donnie, please, it’s okay.”

“It’s not okay.”

“Please, Mom and Dad will be here soon.”

“Elizabeth, I don’t wanna die.” She was crying, her voice broken with sobs.

“You’re not gonna die, Donnie, fuck.”

“I don’t wanna die alone.”

And maybe he was crying too, he couldn’t tell. He just knew that he was in pain. Or maybe someone else was. Everything felt fake and too loud. Reality felt like it was slipping away.

He thought he might be crying, and maybe screaming too. Like he had when he was a little kid and saw things in his room at night, begging his parents to let him sleep with them in their bed. They’d tell him there was nothing there and it was just his imagination—but he saw them. So plain and vivid that they seemed like they were really there. Disembodied voices would whisper to him through the night and eyes would watch him from his doorway. Spiders crawled all over his ceiling and all over his carpeted floor. His name would be called from empty rooms.

That was before he’d been diagnosed.

When Elizabeth still pushed him out of her bed when he would try to sleep with her because she thought he was just saying he saw things in the dark.

He was pretty sure he was still screaming and crying when the nurses came in and pulled Elizabeth off of him. The lights kept flickering on and off and he wouldn’t stop crying and he didn’t know why.

On and off and on again.

Elizabeth was calling his name as they pulled her out of the room and telling him it would be okay.

He didn’t believe her. Not when the nurses told him so too, or when they began injecting something in his arm that burned.

And through all of it, he saw the only face he didn’t want to see.

Frank stood watching from the hospital doorway. Gaze quiet and watchful, like some old god being awakened from years of slumber.

He looked awful, his fur seemed to be rotting right off his bones, matted and bloody. He watched the room quietly.

For some strange reason that Donnie couldn’t place, Frank seemed to be the only thing that was normal about the whole situation. Nurses and wires and medications, but Frank was the only thing that seemed right in place.

Frank stared. Donnie just stared right back, the image too shocking for him to do anything else.

He stared until he couldn’t anymore and his surroundings faded away into darkness.

Chapter Text

The next few times he woke up, he was still confused.

“Where am I?” He’d asked his mom, who was at his bedside again the next time he woke up.

She told him he was in the hospital and he was there to get better. Then she held him and cried, and Donnie wished they’d stop crying over him.

“What’s going on?” He asked his dad when he and Elizabeth and Sam had come to visit Donnie, staring at him with pained expressions, fake smiles plastered over.

It all felt like some strange dream. Like he’d been—once again—thrown into a different reality.

But had he ever?

Or was he really going crazy? He was too out of it in those days to think too much about it.

He just stared up at his father, waiting for him to answer.

“Nothing, Donnie. I just brought the girls to see you, son.” He replied quietly, his voice threatening to break.

He’d never seen his father cry. Not when the dog had died, not even at his grandmother’s funeral. But staring down at his broken, lunatic, son—that’s when he saw his father’s tears.

“We all miss you at home.”

Sam and Elizabeth nodded in agreement and Elizabeth put a hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him in some way.

“Did you win?” He asked, looking towards his little sister.

Confusion passed over all their faces but Sam realized quickly. She smiled, really smiled. Amused by her brother remembering her team’s dance competition even through everything that had happened.

“Yeah!” She beamed. “We crushed them. We made it to the finals but…” she trailed off, suddenly sad as she turned away slightly.

“But what?” Donnie asked softly, any hope in trying to make his little sister happy in their situation suddenly being extinguished.

Sam hesitated and their father squeezed her shoulders in encouragement.

“But we can’t go back because—because I have to stay here.”

“Because of me?” He asked quietly, shame burning in his mind.

She looked down, her disappointed expression plain as she nodded ever so slightly.

“It’s okay.” Elizabeth cut in, reaching up to fix Donnie’s hair slightly. “There’ll be more dance recitals to attend.”

She sounded like his mother and it made Donnie feel even worse about himself. He’d ruined his little sister’s biggest dream—he could picture her furiously telling him that under normal conditions. Like if he’d just broken an arm or leg and not had a whole psychotic breakdown on the night before Halloween.

“We just want to be here with you, son.” His father agreed, putting on a smile for him.

Donnie attempted to smile back and hoped to God it looked real.

//

On his third day at Middlesex General Hospital, Sean and Ronald came to see him.

He was surprised by their visit, and mildly embarrassed. He didn’t want his friends to see him like that, all confused and depressed and hooked up to wires. He couldn’t help but smile, though, when he realized it was them walking through his door, his two oldest friends who were there that night even when he began spiraling right in front of them.

He set down the book he’d been reading as they sat down in the chairs at his bedside, laughing and goofing off like everything was okay. And Donnie let himself believe it was—for a while at least.

“Darko cheats death, once again.” Sean started dramatically, holding his hands up like he was reading it off a billboard.

“Yeah, what’s that about? Maybe Donnie really is the superhero everyone says he is.” Ronny added, laughing.

Sean joined in the laughter and even Donnie himself smiled, eventually laughing along with them.

“So what the hell you been doing, man? How’s the hospital life been treating you?” Ronny asked, shoving Donnie’s arm playfully.

He smiled but shook his head slightly, careful with his words. He knew that if he even messed up in the slightest, let anything slip, he’d weird them out too much and they wouldn’t want to see him again. As if breaking down in front of them wasn’t enough.

“Ah, it’s alright. Pretty boring. Lots of attention.”

“Relish that shit, man.” Sean emphasized, grinning like an idiot.

Donnie shook his head, laughing uncomfortably.

“I-I’m not one for much attention.”

“Believe us, dude,” Ronny placed a hand on Donnie’s shoulder. “We know.”

The two cracked up and Donnie followed, a bit less amused but laughing anyway.

When the laughter subsided and silence fell in the tiny hospital room, Donnie realized that they couldn’t keep up the joking facade forever. Nobody had told him the truth. He still didn’t know what had happened exactly.

“It was an overwhelming psychotic breakdown.” His doctors told him once he could stay conscious longer than five minutes.

“Just a build up of stress and anxiety due to your symptoms of psychosis—your brain couldn’t take it anymore, Donnie.”

But that wasn’t the whole story. That was the logic—what had happened to him. It wasn’t the truth. If it was all just a hallucination like everyone was telling him, then how would he know what had really happened that night? Where did the truth meet his hallucinations? He clearly hadn’t died, his mom and Sam were still alive. From what he’d been told, Gretchen was still alive too. So what the hell had happened?

If anyone would tell him—because it seemed like nobody wanted to anyway—these two idiots would.

“So what happened?” He asked plainly, as calmly as if he was asking about the weather.

Ron and Sean both shifted sort of uncomfortably, clearly feigning ignorance—more than usual.

“W-what do you mean, Donnie?” Sean asked casually.

“You know.” Donnie replied quickly, much harsher than he intended.

But this was one of the only times he was alone with other people. No mom, no dad, no sisters or nurses. Just him and the only fools who’d actually tell him the truth. He needed to know now.

“What happened that night?”

They both stared at him with looks on their faces that he’d never seen before. Concern, worry, pity, fear; all present in their expressions. It made Donnie want to die.

Ronny broke first.

“You mean you really don’t remember?” He asked slowly, clearly concerned.

Donnie nodded, impatient and wondering if they were purposefully stalling.

“Well, uh…” Sean trailed off, his gaze flickering to the open doorway like he was worried someone would walk in. Donnie recognized the anxiety.

“What?” He demanded.

“Just—one second.” The two exchanged a glance before Sean stood and quietly walked over to the door, closing it slowly to avoid making any noise. When it was closed, he rushed back to his seat, laughing slightly when Ronald began to snicker.

“Sorry about that, Donnie. The uh…the nurses told us not to say anything about any of it.”

“Yeah, just an ‘innocent fucking visit’.” Ronny rolled his eyes.

“They told you that?” Donnie asked, shocked that even the nurses would roll him.

The two nodded like idiots but turned back to him.

“Okay, they told us not to tell you anything because it might ‘upset’ you but you asked and so we’re tellin’.”

He nodded impatiently again, trying to get them to spit it out already.

“Well, see, we showed up to your party on Friday night and you were at the door when we got there, it was a total rager, you remember that?”

“Yeah, yeah, go on.”

“Okay, then we partied, y’know, mingled with the guests.”

“May I say, your sister has some smoking hot female friends.” Sean added, and the two burst into laughter.

Donnie, under normal circumstances, would’ve laughed along or even smacked them upside the head at the comment. But he wasn’t in the mood, rolling his eyes as he chastised them.

“Alright! Alright! C’mon!”

“Okay, sorry. Anyway, so we drink a little, we smoke a little—and at this point you’re upstairs with Gretchen, right?” Donnie nodded. He remembered all of this so far.

“Well about an hour into the party, Sean and I see you walk down the stairs with her, hand in hand, right? And we can tell immediately, like it’s obvious, man.”

“You guys fucked.”

“Well, ‘cause you fucked her right?”

“Would you two shut up! Just stick to the important parts!”

“This is very important to us, Donnie. As your best friends, we take great pride in knowing all about your sex life.”

“Aw, c’mon!”

“We’ll move on with the story as soon as you tell us the truth. Did you fuck her?”

Donnie stared at them, unsure if they were being serious or not. It was always hard to tell with those two.

Eventually, he caved, and he knew they knew because he heard them start laughing before he even spoke. His face flushed and he rolled his eyes and rubbed his face.

“Yeah, yeah.” He muttered, hiding a grin behind his hand.

“Yeah?”

“You fucked?”

“Yeah, we fucked.” They burst into another fit of laughter and Donnie suddenly realized why his parents got annoyed with him and his sisters so quickly.

“Oh, that’s baller, dude.”

“We could tell—it was like an aura radiating off of you.”

“You’re like my hero, man.”

“Okay, Jesus! Would you stop with the whole thing and just tell the fucking story?”

“Oh, Donnie, you just told the fucking story.” Sean dead panned and Donnie repressed the urge to punch him in the mouth.

The look he was giving them was enough, he guessed, because they started up the story again.

“Sorry, sorry. Okay, anyway. So we find Gretchen and she’s all ‘oh my god! How’s it going!’.”

Donnie doubted she’d been like that but he let them continue.

“You know. Classic girl after fucking.” Ronny cut in, getting an eye roll from both his friends.

“Yeah, yeah. So anyway we ask her like ‘So where’s Donnie? We totally need to hear the story from him’. And she’s like, ‘I don’t know, he disappeared again like he always does’. So we all go looking for you and Ronny and I can’t find you.”

“So we go looking for Gretchen because, you know, maybe she found you. We walk into the kitchen and there you two are, you’re dropped to your knees in front of the fridge and Gretchen’s above you trying to snap you out of it—you know, shaking your shoulders, calling your name.”

“At this point, I was thinking ‘what is this guy on?’ Cause you know, we didn’t know.”

“Yeah, like ‘I want what he took’.” They laughed again and Donnie waited for them to continue.

“But then you jump up all of a sudden and start saying all this shit about needing to go see Grandma Death and that’s it’s really important, the world’s gonna end, etcetera, etcetera…”

“We all follow you of course, the party’s getting boring and it’s barely even midnight.”

“Yeah, who knows? Maybe Grandma Death’s house is where it’s at.”

“So you’re all manic and acting kinda crazy—but we aren’t worried just yet. Sure, we’ve never seen you like that but hey, maybe you’re on Mollie or something?”

“Yeah! We all get on our bikes, yadda yadda, we bike all the way to the fucking edge of town to Grandma Death’s house.”

“Yeah, it felt like fucking miles, man, why’d you make us do that?”

Donnie rolled his eyes. “Okay sorry, I was clearly not in my right headspace in the moment.”

“Yeah, it was obvious.”

“Anyway, so we get there and it looks like no one’s home and at this point, I just wanna get back to the party. Mingle with the guests if you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“So we try to tell you, like, ‘Hey Donnie, nobody’s home.’ But you’re still trying obviously, ‘cause at this point, you’re clearly tweaking out.”

“Yeah, I think we were starting to realize, man. But you don’t listen to us or to Gretchen and you just keep trying. Then all of a sudden, you say this weird cryptic shit. Uh, side door, I think.”

“No, dipshit, it was cellar something.”

“Right, right, cellar door.”

Donnie listened closely. He remembered that: cellar door. It was just like his English teacher, Ms. Pomeroy had told him. Cellar door. He smiled slightly at the thought, the conversation him and his headstrong English teacher had had. She’d called him a lazy student, but a good one. It’d made him annoyed at the time.

Maybe if she knew even half of what I’ve been seeing, she’d understand why I was “lazy”.

But he didn’t think that way anymore. He was glad he was at least sane enough to remember that interaction, wondering distantly what she was doing now that she’d been let go.

“And that’s what you do, you find the cellar door of this old bitch’s house and somehow, you get us all inside.”

“It’s totally crazy, man. I mean, we just break into this grandma’s house like it’s nothing. Honestly, it was pretty cool of you, dude.”

“Yeah, yeah. So we’re about to step down into the cellar after you guys but before we can even start looking for grand-crazy over there, those douchebags Seth and Garett are suddenly yelling at us from the yard—knives at our throats, right? We listen to them, obviously.”

“Yeah, we didn’t wanna get gutted like some idiots in a slasher flick.”

“So we listen and run back to the street and we’re yelling for you and Gretchen, watching Seth and Garett go in there after you, acting like knife-wielding maniacs.”

“They are knife-wielding maniacs.”

“Whatever, anyway. So we see them drag you and Gretchen out from the cellar and back into the yard next to us. Seth is on top of you at this point, he has his knife at your throat, Gretchen is all struggling against Garett, she’s screaming at them to let you go—”

“We’re screaming at them to let you go.”

“It’s fucking crazy dude.”

Donnie’s breath keeps catching in his chest as he’s listening and he doesn’t know why. He remembers all of this, that should be a good thing. But a voice at the back of his mind was telling him that the story will soon turn off of whatever path he’d initially thought it’d been on.

Soon, they would tell him that Gretchen didn’t get hit by that car and Donnie didn’t shoot Frank. Soon, he knew his whole world would shift again—making everything everyone had been telling him true.

It was all in his head.

“All of a sudden, this red Mustang comes flying outta nowhere from down the street.” Ronny continued,

“Seth and Garett are freaking out, you know, ‘who’d you call? Who’d you call? How’d they know we were doing this?’ ‘Thinking it was a set-up’ bullshit.”

“Garett had thrown Gretchen down in the middle of the street at some point during all the fighting and she gets up quick—coughing and choking but up anyway—runs to me and Ronny at the curb.”

One life saved. But what happened after?

“Garett takes off running, Seth throws you down and takes off after him, like the pussies they are.”

“Yeah, total pussies.”

“The Mustang stops when it sees us, right? At this point, you’re still on the ground, presumably stunned by the attack. Two guys get out of the ‘stang, a dude in a clown costume and a dude in this sick skeleton bunny costume.”

Frank.

Donnie can still hear Frank’s demands of why they’d been in the road. His questioning if he’d killed Gretchen, as if he couldn’t see her limp body in Donnie’s arms. He could still hear the bang of the handgun, the slight kickback of the bullet. He could see Frank falling limp onto the pavement, his right eye bleeding continuously.

The sight half-nauseated him and he almost asked them to stop. But he couldn’t do that, he couldn’t stop now. He needed to know what happened.

“I recognized the rabbit immediately. It was Elizabeth’s dick ex-boyfriend, Frank!” Sean cried, annoyed.

Donnie knew why. Sean had had the hots for Elizabeth for years—but in the moment, it didn’t occur to Donnie to care.

“Would you shut it about Frank? Donnie didn’t ask about Frank, Sean, he asked what happened so please stick to the goddamn story!”

“Okay! Jesus! I’m sorry!”

“Sorry, Donnie, anyway—so Frank and the clown dude get out and Frank is yelling at us like we were the ones that nearly ran over Gretchen or something.”

“Yeah, for real! But, see, me and Ronny are so focused on that douchebag Frank, that we don’t even notice you still lying on the grass, fuckin’ bleeding out after Seth gave you that.”

Sean reached up, pointing to the healing stitches that marked Donnie’s neck, a six inch cut from the knife Seth had pinned him with. Donnie hadn’t even noticed it until that morning when a nurse came in to take off his bandages.

“And Donnie,” Ronald spoke up, pausing. “We gotta tell you this ‘cause you’re our friend, but this next part is when you really started freaking us out, I’m not gonna lie.”

“Yeah, you were laughing all crazy when we tried to talk to you and saying some weird shit man.”

“Gretchen couldn’t even get through to you, you were just… just laughing.”

“Mm, and crying too.”

“Yeah, yeah. It was really weird, man. I was kinda freaking out.”

Donnie shook his head, bewildered at the new information he was hearing.

“Then what happened?” He asked impatiently, desperately needing more.

“Well, then I think Frank realized you were Elizabeth’s brother and offered to take us all back to the party—get you some help. Even if he did seem freaked out. It was sorta decent of him, right Sean?”

“Yeah, whatever. It was the least he could do. Donnie was freaking out on the side of the road miles from his house!”

“Alright, alright.” Donnie cut in, both impatient and now slightly humiliated at knowing his friends saw all this.

“Okay, alright. So we didn’t know what else to do so we took him up on the offer and we did our best to get you into the backseat with Gretchen. You didn’t stop laughing the whole way, I think.”

“Yeah, and saying more cryptic shit. You kept saying that the world was ending, that you didn’t trust Frank.”

“I was with him on that one.”

“Shut up, Sean.”

“What happened when we got back?”

“Uh, Gretchen stayed with you at the car and we went to get your sister.”

“Yeah, and Frank followed us. No one wanted to see his bitch face!”

Ronny ignored Sean and continued.

“We found Elizabeth in the kitchen and we told her what happened and she got all worried of course. So she followed us outside and—and you were still all manic and freakin’ and she tried to snap you out of it but…”

“But she couldn’t.” Donnie guessed, and they nodded.

Sean continued slowly, less annoyingly now. Like he was actually being careful with his words.

“When you wouldn’t stop, she told—well, no one in particular really—to call an ambulance or something. So Ronny and I ran to the phone, we had nothing better to do, I guess, and we called and—and they came.”

“Everyone, okay. I’m talking, police, fire trucks, ambulance. I mean, it was like D-Day at the Darko house, man.”

“It was wild, really. And by the end they just carted you off in an ambulance and brought you…here I guess.”

They fell silent and Donnie didn’t have anything to say.

“At least now you’ll never have to see Frank again.” Sean finally added, smiling.

“Will you shut up, Sean?” Ronald shot back, but Donnie wasn’t listening anyway.

His friends’ argument fell into static as he thought on everything. What the hell had happened to him?

“It was an overwhelming psychotic breakdown.” The doctors told him, but why?

He was crazy, it was obvious. This stuff only happened to people in movies. And those people usually ended up killing their whole families. Like in The Shining—Jack Torrence saw things. Things that drove him crazy, made him try to kill his wife and son.

That could’ve been Donnie.

He could’ve taken that gun and shot all his friends and his sister and everyone at that party. And he wouldn’t have even known. Completely lost in his own reality that his fucked up mind had made up for him. It terrified him. The fact that everything could be fake, that his own brain would do that to him.

He tried to calm down, feeling the panic attack creeping up on him. He tried to breathe.

Don’t spiral. He told himself. Not in front of Sean and Ronny.

He wasn’t going crazy, he couldn’t be. He was there to get better.

“Donnie?” Their voices were distant but he heard them nonetheless.

“Donnie? Are you with us, buddy?”

“What?” He jumped, suddenly jolted from his thoughts at Ronald’s voice.

Donnie took a breath, trying to compose his racing heart as he turned back to his friends, who looked startled and concerned.

“We were just saying we should probably go.” Ronny spoke first, slowly.

“Yeah, we got school in the morning.”

Donnie nodded, looking down in shame.

“Right, sorry about that.”

“No, it’s totally cool. We’re planning on ditching anyway. Maybe we can come visit you again tomorrow?”

He shook his head. “Nah, it’s cool. They’ll want me doing…stuff, I guess.”

They looked confused but didn’t press.

“You think you’ll be back to school soon?” Sean asked, sounding hopeful, which was strange to hear in his usually annoying voice.

Donnie nodded, trying for a smile. “Yeah, for sure.”

“Alright, Donnie. We’ll see you around then.”

They said their last goodbyes and Donnie watched them leave. He laid back in his bed, not even bothering with the book he’d been trying to read. How could he read after finding out everything that had happened?

Chapter Text

The next few days passed painfully slow. The short time between Donnie waking up, recovering, and going back home.

He didn’t sleep most nights, worried that if he fell asleep, everything would slip away again. He stayed awake, staring at the moonlight dancing on the popcorn ceiling of his hospital room and trying not to think about Frank.

He pretended to be asleep when the night nurses came in to check on him—feigned indifference when the hospital therapist that’d been assigned to him asked if he’d been sleeping. He knew he must look like death but he didn’t care. How had they expected him to look?

The new medication they had him on wasn’t helping either—if anything it only made him feel more shitty. Sure, he wasn’t hearing voices at night anymore or seeing those shadowy figures run across the room and the lights didn’t seem to flicker on and off every so often. But mentally and physically, he felt drained and exhausted—like he’d been hit by a train. He just felt so empty, like the laughter he’d shared with Sean and Ronny was miles away—even more depressed than usual.

He knew he was quiet when his family visited, which was often. When he was in his room, at least one of them was there. He hardly spoke when they tried to talk to him and he spoke even less to his temporary therapist. The guy didn’t press though, which Donnie appreciated. He didn’t try to get information out of him or really make him talk at all. Most of their sessions were spent in silence—or maybe he was just blocking out everything the shrink was saying to him. Either way, that was just fine with Donnie. 

When Thursday finally came, and Donnie was finally released from the hospital, he felt a sense of relief wash over him, and it felt strange after feeling nothing for so long.

Elizabeth was there to pick him up, which confused him because she was supposed to be at work. On normal days, at least.

He met her in the lobby, carrying his nearly empty backpack—not even trying for a smile when he saw her. She was in her work uniform, so he assumed that’s where she’d come from. The Yarn Barn.

He wondered distantly where his mom was and why she wasn’t there, but he didn’t ask. He was too tired to try and talk.

They stopped by the pharmacy before they left to pick up his new medication. Donnie stared at the crumpled package with disdain, dreading taking more of it but knowing it was a necessity—if he wanted Frank to stay away at least.

Elizabeth put a hand on his back as they walked to the car, which was strange but he didn’t shove her off like he usually would. It just felt like the wrong thing to do, so he let her show her simple gesture of comfort all the way to the parking lot.

The car ride home was the quietest he’d ever had with Elizabeth. No teasing or arguing; when they passed McDonald’s in town, Donnie didn’t ask to stop like he usually would, even though he always knew she’d say no. They didn’t fight over the music—Elizabeth with her old indie music, The Smiths and The Beatles, yelling at Donnie to turn off Duran Duran or The Cure. He stayed quiet and endured Back to the Old House for the millionth time, even if it was really setting the mood. He kept his eyes out the passenger window, watching the passing buildings of Middlesex as they drove from downtown through to the suburbs. He saw Elizabeth stealing glances at him through his peripheral vision but ignored it. If she’d stay quiet, he’d stay quiet.

“You know she worries about you.” She’d said to him weeks ago when they were home alone carving their Jack-o-Lanterns together, talking about their mother

“Yeah, well don’t worry, I’m taking my medication.” He’d shot back, annoyed. Medication that apparently did nothing for him.

“It’s not about your medication.” She’d told him slowly, and he hadn’t thought about it at the time—but she’d been right. 

Donnie got out of the car quickly when they got home, waiting impatiently by the front door for Elizabeth to unlock it. When they got inside, Elizabeth waited by the door like he might say something to her.

He didn’t.

He dropped his bag by the door and took the stairs up to his room. He pulled off his shoes and flopped onto his bed, feeling like he could sleep for days.

And he would’ve too, if he hadn’t jolted awake after an hour of sleep to Elizabeth lightly shaking his shoulder. 

“Donnie.” She whispered softly. “There’s someone on the phone for you.” 

He wanted to tell her to go away, wanted to pick up the phone then slam it back down onto the receiver and hang up. He didn’t though, he just nodded and tried to wake up as he took the phone from Elizabeth and put it up to his ear. 

“Hello?” He called groggily, voice quiet with sleep.

“Donnie?” It was Gretchen, he knew.

Her voice was small and worried—and it all came rushing back to him. That horrible image of her dead body that his mind had made up for him, limp and cold, the feeling of her crushed bones under his hands as he lifted her. His desperate pleas for her to wake up. He tried to force those thoughts away, tried to focus on her voice.

She was alive. 

“Hey…how are you?” She was hesitant but polite. He almost didn’t answer.

“Fine. Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Listen, I’m sorry to ask this now—I know you just got back from the hospital but I thought, you know, we should just get it out of the way, or whatever.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I think—I think we should talk, Donnie.”

“Okay. What about?” 

“Just…do you think I can come over after school? So we can talk in person?” 

“Uh, yeah. Yeah sure.” 

“Okay. I’ll be over at 3:30? Alright?” 

“Okay.” 

The line hung up with a quiet click. And Gretchen was gone. 

//

“Listen, I’m really sorry, Donnie.” Gretchen’s soft voice sounded miles away—like she was trying to talk to him from the other side of a parking garage. 

“I just…think it’s for the best. No hard feelings, right?” 

She was waiting for him. Waiting for him to speak, to nod even—to show some sign that he was hearing her, that he was listening. He was trying, he really was. Forcing himself to get out of his head, to pretend like his whole world wasn’t falling down around him, like the pavement wasn’t collapsing under his feet.

He realized he’d been quiet too long, Gretchen nudged him lightly and he started.

“What? Oh, right. Totally, I agree.” It sounded fake, even to him.

“Really?” Maybe he actually had convinced her. 

“Sure, it’s for the best.” He was still staring at the grass, he couldn’t meet her eyes. 

“Yeah.” She shouldered her backpack, looking up at him one more time, beginning to walk away. “I’ll see you around.”

He nodded, clearing his throat. “Y-yeah,” 

She headed back toward the sidewalk. Donnie watched her go until he couldn’t see her anymore, he stood there in the yard until he completely lost all sense of time or place. The sun was starting to set when his mother came outside.

“Donnie,” she called softly, walking up next to him and looking him over worriedly, a hand on his shoulder. “Donnie, you’ve been standing out here for two hours.” 

He nodded, only slightly understanding what his mother was saying. “Okay.”

“Are you feeling okay, honey?”

“I’m gonna go to my room now.” He replied instead, turning toward the house before his mother could react. He walked through the kitchen, passing the dining table where the rest of his family sat, waiting for dinner, watching him pass with concerned expressions. He didn’t see them, he walked up to his room quickly, just thinking about how tired he was. As he hit his bed and pulled his comforter up, he wished everything would just go away, and he could sleep forever. 

Chapter Text

Donnie was dreaming.

He knew that much. Yet, something about that particular dream felt so real.

The sun beat down on him, hot and dry, but the cool breeze that blew softly made it bearable enough—even nice.

Around him rose mountains, but not like Virginia’s Blue Ridge mountains, distant and misty. These mountains were huge, snow capped and majestic. Unlike any he’d ever seen.

A strange, warm feeling washed over him. Warm kisses in cold night air, the taste of cigarettes on his lover's lips, skin against skin, jeans and the tugging on of boots. He suddenly knew the rocking feeling of riding horseback like the back of his hand, the simple action of herding what seemed like thousands of sleep, the smooth sound of a harmonica that he seemed to be playing.

Donnie didn’t know how to play the harmonica—not in his real life. He didn’t know how to ride a horse, or how to herd sheep. The closest he’d ever even been to sheep was at a petting zoo when he was in elementary school. Yet, all these things came to him easily, like he’d been doing them all his life.

And the whole time, the comforting presence of another person was beside him.

Curly blond hair, a wide grin, a gruff, country accent. A name he didn’t recognize ran around his mind. One that he shouldn’t know but he did. It all felt so natural, like that’s how it’d always been. That view of the mountains, pines and evergreens, the sheep. Just him and Ennis on that grassy mountain, loving each other freely. But like all of Donnie’s dreams, it changed before he could find out anything else. 

He dreamed about Frank and the end of the world. He relived his own death infinitely. Fake or not, it was terrifying. The sound of the ceiling collapsing, even louder than the time the carousel had collapsed at the Middlesex carnival. The crushing weight of the thing, taking his life away like it was nothing. He’d tried not to scream, he wasn’t sure if he did or not. But if he had, it wouldn’t have been heard anyway. Finally, his dreams shifted somewhere more peaceful. His memories.

Painful sure, but more peaceful than the violent death.

He was suddenly eight years old again, crying after the dog had died. Not because Callie was dead, but because he could still see her around the house.

Suddenly he was 10 and the lights wouldn’t stop flickering in his home room class, and nobody else seemed to see it. There were bugs all over the slide at recess and voices called out to him from empty hallways.

Suddenly he was 13 and seeing psychiatrist after psychiatrist, his parents trying desperately to find out what was wrong with their wacko son. Suddenly his mother was crying because of the list of diagnoses his doctors had given his parents.

This could just be part of his mental development. He could grow out of it without medications. We wouldn’t put him on any medication unless we needed to.

Then he was 15 and he hadn’t grown out of it and he got held back in school because a voice in his head told him to burn down some abandoned shack in the woods and he’d listened.

Suddenly his parents put him in therapy and he was seeing some woman every week to tell her about his problems. Then came the medication. Norepinephrine. Which wasn’t really medication, he guessed. They’re placebos, just pills made out of water. Doctor Thurman’s voice rang in his mind—so close it was like she’d just said it. Like a signal to his mind, his dreams changed again. 

The memory was unfamiliar but he recognized his surroundings instantly. He was standing in his front yard, it was nighttime. But there were people everywhere, undoubtedly the night of Elizabeth’s Halloween party.

Fuck. No good memory could come out of that night.

He didn’t remember ever standing in this part of the yard that night. Off to the side, close to the curb and the front walkway.

The party was loud with music, conversation, and laughter. There was a car at the curb, a red Mustang that he distantly recognized but couldn’t place where he’d seen it before. Suddenly, Ronny and Sean were running up the front walkway, looking like they’d just seen a ghost.

“Sean!” Donnie called, but his voice wasn’t working—as it often seemed to do in dreams.

“Ronny!” They didn’t hear him, or see him either.

When Donnie tried to step in front of them, they just walked right through him like he was a ghost. He turned to follow them when another person walked through him, trailing his two friends. The person was tall, their costume gray and furry, like some animal.

Frank. The real Frank, the bunny head of his costume off and forgotten somewhere. Donnie suddenly realized why he didn’t remember any of this—he was watching the memory from above, like a new perspective. Horror gripped him as he realized the real him was probably in that red Mustang—laughing and crying and losing his mind. Gretchen would be there with him, trying to get him to stop. He didn’t look back, too scared to see himself out of his body. He turned and followed Sean, Ronald, and Frank up the walkway and into the house. 

Inside was even louder. Someone had cranked the stereo, blaring Duran Duran so loud he could hardly hear himself think. He began dodging partygoers like he was actually there before realizing he could just walk right through them. For a terrifying moment, he thought he’d lost Sean and Ronald. Frank was easy to find, though, and he was still following them. 

 He found them all in the kitchen, crowded around Elizabeth at the kitchen island.

“Frank!” She called as she saw him, ignoring Sean and Ronald completely as they walked up to her. He didn’t blame her. To Elizabeth, they were just Donnie’s annoying Sophomore friends.

“Where the hell have you been, you’ve been gone for like an hour!” 

“Elizabeth,” he started, looking shaken up by the whole thing, unable to say much.

She waited for a moment, looking extremely annoying. “What?” 

“Listen, Elizabeth.” That was Ronny, finally stepping forward from where he and Sean had lingered by the back door.

She startled slightly, clearly unaware of their presence until that moment.

“There’s somethin’ wrong with Donnie. I think he needs some help, or something.”

The annoyance in Elizabeth’s expression dropped, replaced by confusion and worry.

“What?” She repeated, voice quiet.

“Yeah,” Sean butted in. “We don’t know if he took something or what but the guy’s totally freaking out.” 

Elizabeth began pushing past them, not wasting any more time. “Where is he?” She asked, knowing they’d follow.

“He’s in my car with some girl.” Frank replied quickly, permanently scowling. 

“Gretchen.” Sean and Ronald both corrected.

“Whatever.”

They rounded the staircase, rushing through the front door and into the yard. “Billy and I were on our way back from the liquor store and nearly wrecked because of them. I picked them up outside Grandma Death’s house.” 

“What the fuck were they doing there?” But before anyone could answer, she saw him.

It was strange looking at himself from another person’s viewpoint. Like looking into a mirror and seeing your reflection doing something you definitely weren’t doing. An inexplicable chill ran up and down his spine, like someone had just walked over his grave. He forced himself to look, to see what really happened. This was the only way. 

He and Gretchen were out of the car now. Gretchen’s neck was bruised from Garret’s hands and his own neck was bleeding slightly from Seth’s knife. Donnie was sitting at the curb, leaned against the car door, Gretchen sitting next to him and trying to talk to him. He wasn’t listening, he was laughing and laughing at nothing at all. He didn’t stop when Elizabeth rushed up to him, trying to get his attention.

“Donnie!” She shouted, right in his face, her hands on his shoulders. Gretchen backed off. The others lingered quietly, unsure of what to do. “Donnie, knock it off!” But he wouldn’t listen—or maybe he couldn’t. 

“What happened?” Elizabeth demanded, looking up at the others.

“He was saying all this stuff about needing to go to Grandma Death’s house.” Gretchen stammered. “He said it was really important.”

“Yeah, and we got there and they got attacked by those punks Seth and Garrett.” Sean protested, sounding angry.

“What’s wrong with him?” Frank asked, shocked as he stared at Donnie.

“We don’t know, Frank.” Elizabeth bit out. “Just, someone call an ambulance or something! I don’t know what’s happening.” 

Ronald and Sean nodded and rushed back to the house. Elizabeth shook her brother.

“Donnie, can you hear me?” 

The laughter died down to short breathy laughs and a smile, he looked at his sister yet his eyes seemed far away.

“Elizabeth…” he muttered, smiling still.

“Good, good. That’s good Donnie, just keep talking, keep looking at me.” 

“The world’s gonna end.” His voice was quiet, blood covered his neck and stained his gray jacket. Eyes distant, like he was somewhere else entirely. Donnie knew that he was.

“Wha-what?” Elizabeth was confused, holding onto his jacket tightly, like if she let go he might slip away again. 

“The world’s gonna end.” He repeated, more sure now.

“Donnie, what the fuck are you saying?”

“Twenty eight days, six hours, forty two minutes, twelve seconds.” The words came out in a rush, strangely blended together and hardly even coherent. “The sky’s gonna open up.” They watched in concern. “Frank said—Frank said the world’s gonna end.” 

They all turned to look at Frank, who looked even more disturbed now. He shrugged, easily denying the accusation. Elizabeth turned back to Donnie, shaking him again.

“Donnie, you’re really scaring me.” Her voice was threatening to break.

“Six hours.” He muttered, manic and slightly confused.

“What?” 

“Six hours, Elizabeth.”

“What’s in six hours, Donnie?”

He shook his head, pulling his knees up to his chest and covering his face with his hands. “I’m so scared, Elizabeth.” His voice broke, tears spilling down his face.

Without hesitation, like she did it all the time, Elizabeth pulled Donnie into an embrace. It didn’t matter that they hadn’t hugged since she was twelve and Donnie was ten—and it didn’t matter that they were eighteen and sixteen now. All that mattered was that her brother was scared and alone and she needed to help him.

“Don’t be scared.” She muttered, holding him tight. “Don’t be scared.”

“It’s all gonna end. It’s all gonna end.”

“It’s gonna be okay. Mom and dad will be home soon, okay?” She tried, wishing for once that their mother was there to help. At least she’d know what to do. 

There were ambulances and police and fire trucks. Just like Sean and Ronald had told him. The sounds of the party blurred, replaced by sirens and jumbled medical jargon that he could hardly understand. The memory slipped away into smoke as he was pulled back into consciousness. It was gone as quickly as it’d come. 

Chapter Text

“Donnie.” Someone was shaking him lightly, their voice soft. 

He jolted, suddenly alert, startling the person above him. 

“It's okay, it’s okay. It’s me.” His mother was sitting on the edge of his bed, reaching out to run a hand through his hair. 

His ragged breaths were loud in the quiet room but his mom waited patiently as he got his composure back, trying to remember himself. 

“What time is it?” He finally asked, his voice strangely childish and innocent with sleep. He sounded like he was ten years old again, though he didn’t really notice.

His mother hesitated for a moment before speaking, “It’s Sunday.”

“What?” He jumped slightly, suddenly very awake. Sunday? He’d gone to bed before dinner on Thursday. That would mean he’d been asleep for three days. He’d missed so much. Would Ronald and Sean be asking about him? God, how much school work had he missed? His heart beat quickly in his chest and stress ran through his mind. He sat up, tugging the comforter off and started to get up. His mom stopped him, her hands gently pressing him back onto his bed.

“Mom, I need to get up. I need to go to school, my missing assignments are piling up as we speak.”

His mother laughed slightly, which was jarring. 

“You’re not missing any school. I called the school on Monday, they’re giving you excused absences.”

He relaxed slightly, allowing his mother to push him back onto his bed. She ran her hand through his hair and Donnie felt himself relax more and more, no longer panicking. 

“So they all know?” He asked quietly, watching the morning sunlight spill through his blackout curtains—leaving a line of sun on the carpet of his bedroom.

“Know what?” His mom asked, not pausing her comfort.

“That Donnie Darko had a psychotic breakdown and missed a week of school.” 

That got her to pause, stunned by her son’s words but trying hard not to show it. “No,” she said quietly, “I just told them there was a medical emergency. No reason for them to think anything else.”

He knew she was just trying to make him feel better, but it didn’t help much. Everyone would be curious anyway. So if they didn’t know now, they would eventually. Either through someone who had family working at Middlesex General or even Sam accidentally letting something slip—her nosy, gossipy friends spreading the word like wildfire. Donnie tried not to think about it. In fact, he tried not to think at all. It wasn’t hard, he was exhausted, even if he had slept for three days straight. His mind moved slowly, like it was filled with static. He laid back against his headboard, trying to keep his eyes open. 

“What time is it?” He repeated his question from before, now more curious.

“It’s a little after eleven now. Your sisters were getting worried about you.”

He scoffed slightly, more amused than annoyed. “Yeah, right.”

“It’s true. Sam has been asking if we should wake you up for the past three days.”

“Yeah, Elizabeth will probably be disappointed that I woke up at all.” He regretted it as soon as he said it, but he couldn’t take it back. He remembered his dreams—how scared and worried his older sister had been. If that had been what really happened, Donnie wanted to slap himself right about then. 

His mother frowned, “Don't be so hard on her, Donnie.” She said, “She was really worried about you.”

He was quiet, unable to meet his mother’s eyes. 

“You know she always asked to stay the night when you were still in the hospital.”

He furrowed his eyebrows, feeling sorry for himself. “She did?”

His mother nodded, smiling sadly. He hummed shortly in response, thinking it all over. Elizabeth was always there. 

“Listen, mom.” Donnie began, his mouth feeling like it was filled with cotton. “I’m real sorry you all, you know, had to see me like that. I don’t—” 

“Donnie.” His mom interrupted sharply. “Don’t you ever apologize for that.”

Before he knew it, she was embracing him tightly, tucking his head into her shoulder and continuing to run her hands through his hair. He felt her tears wetting the back of his shirt but didn’t mind. He just felt ashamed for making her feel like that.

“We should’ve seen that you were struggling. I’m so sorry, Donnie.”

“Mom, I—”

“No, there’s no excuse. You were alone and—”

“Mom.” He tried again, grabbing her shoulders and pushing her back up so he could look her in the eyes. “Look. I’m here and I'm okay.”

She wiped her tears quickly, face breaking slightly as she attempted a smile. He pulled her back into a hug, really returning it this time. “I’m okay.” And for a moment, he believed it. 

———

      Donnie tried to have a normal day. He really did. He got up when his mom asked him to, he took a shower and changed into clean clothes. He took his medication, even though he didn’t want to. And he ate breakfast with his family, who were all being noticeably more patient and kind to him. It weirded him out but he didn’t let it show. The last thing he wanted was an argument. So he returned their smiles and he ate all his food, even if he didn’t really have an appetite. After lunch, he went to the store with his dad and Sam and he even listened to Sam talk about her ponies and unicorns during the entire car ride, not telling her to shut up even once. He helped with the groceries and kept Sam from wandering off in the store. When they got home, he didn’t even complain when he had to unload the groceries and he didn’t run up to his room right after like he normally would. He endured The Last Unicorn for the thousandth time when Sam begged him to watch it with her and he didn’t even fall asleep this time. When the movie was over, he helped his mom with dinner and didn’t complain when Elizabeth came to help too. Dinner was quiet, or maybe he just was, either way that was fine with Donnie. He helped with the dishes and watched Cheers with his family afterwards, for once not caring that the episodes were reruns and he’d seen them before. Yet through all of it, he didn’t know why he felt so empty. Nothing he did fixed it, no amount of kindness toward himself or others. And maybe it was just the medication but the fact didn’t help anything. So he returned the smiles and tried his best to remember how to breathe normally. 

———

On Monday, Donnie went back to school. Though he’d been gone for a full week, that Monday just felt like every other one before. He woke up late and rushed to get ready, stealing half of Elizabeth’s bagel for his breakfast before rushing out to the car, his older sister’s shouts of protest trailing him. When they got to the bus stop, he and Sam rushed to get out so as to not hold up traffic. And there was Ronald and Sean, waiting for them.

“Holy shit, there he is!” He heard Sean say as they walked over to the curb, grabbing Ronald’s shoulder and shaking him. 

Donnie laughed as he saw them, returning the excitement.

“Donnie Darko is back.” Ronny said dramatically, clapping Donnie on the back. Donnie just laughed, letting them have their fun.

“And where have you been?” Joanie Farmer asked pointedly, her face in a permanent scowl, much like her mother.

“None of your business, Miss Bitch.” Sean replied before Donnie could say something he’d regret. 

They laughed as Joanie rolled her eyes. “Whatever.” She turned back to Samantha and another one of her friends, thankfully not asking more.

“Here, Donnie.” Sean started, taking a cigarette from his pocket. “Light up, buddy.”

He took it as it was handed to him, catching the lighter Ronny tossed him and cupping his hand around the flame to keep it alight until it lit the cigarette. He took a long drag, feeling the heavy smoke fill his lungs before he exhaled, slightly startled by the dizzy high that followed. 

“It’s good shit right?” Sean asked excitedly.

“It’s a fucking cigarette.”

———

The bus came quickly and the ride to school was the shortest of his life. Maybe he was zoning out too much, or maybe after sleeping for three days his perception of time was messed up, but it was like they were there in an instant. He tried to brush it off as he piled out of the back of the bus along with Sean and Ronald and the slew of other students. The courtyard was as busy as it always was, students and staff both rushing around to get to class or standing around in conversation with one another. Unsurprisingly, no one turned to stare at Donnie as he passed, pointing and gossiping. It wasn’t like he’d expected them to, but it was still a relief to see most people ignoring him like they usually did. When they got inside, walking down the locker-lined hallway, it seemed strangely empty of two particular dickheads. 

“Hey, where’s Seth and Garrett?” Donnie asked as they stopped at their lockers, dodging a few middle schoolers chasing each other and in turn getting chased by administrators.

Sean smiled sharply, “Suspended for two weeks.”

“Two weeks of heaven.” Ronald echoed, arms slightly outstretched in victory. 

“They got caught?” Donnie asked unbelievably, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Someone told I guess, maybe Gretchen’s folks.” 

Donnie winced slightly at the mention of Gretchen who he thankfully hadn’t thought of all weekend. Only now, he was reminded and again she wouldn’t leave his mind. Gretchen. Gretchen, wake up. 

He shook his head absently, trying to push the memory away. It was a fake memory anyway. The first bell rang and the students all began heading to their first period classes. Donnie waved Sean and Ronald off and headed to his first hour World History class. 

The day passed by in a blur. Donnie zoned out during first hour, and second hour, and third hour. Miss Gist’s lecture during fourth hour Biology didn’t make any sense, he hadn’t done the homework. Mrs. Farmer was extra annoying during in fifth hour, pointing out Donnie’s week-long absence three different times during the class. He could practically feel Sean and Ronald’s dirty looks toward their Health Teacher. Donnie tried his best not to snap at her, even if she did deserve it. He didn’t want to get suspended on his first day back. So he held his tongue and just nodded in reply to her pointed lecture towards him. He got out as quickly as he could when the bell finally rang for lunch, following Sean and Ronny to their usual spot in the courtyard, near the fountain and away from the middle schoolers. His friends were their usual, loud yet amusing selves. Sean never even sat down during lunch, always pacing in front of them and trying to get the attention of girls who walked by. Ronald and Donnie just watched and laughed. Though, that day, Donnie didn’t laugh much. He didn’t talk much either—though he didn’t really notice. His mind was moving fast and slow at the same time and he didn’t know how to make it stop. 

“Donnie Darko?” That was Pete Langdon, one of Elizabeth’s ex-boyfriend’s that was in his eighth hour Physics class. He walked up to them at the fountain edge, smiling and looking overall bewildered. “Holy shit dude, we thought you were fucking dead.”

“Yeah, well not yet.” Donnie replied, attempting laughter.

“Where’ve you been, man?” 

“He was on an expedition to Mars—where the fuck do you think he was, Pete?” Sean said quickly, heat in his tone.

“Ah, just sick.” Donnie added quickly before Pete could start swinging on Sean. 

“Shit, was it real bad?” 

“Yeah, it was horrible. You’ll probably get it if you get too close.”

Pete scoffed, clearly pissed. “Shut up, Ronald.” 

Ronald put his hands up defensively, stepping back slightly. Donnie shook his head and turned back to Pete.

“Nah, it wasn’t that bad. You know how worried moms are.” He lied.

Pete smiled slightly. “Yeah, totally. I remember how your mom was with Elizabeth. How is she, by the way? Elizabeth.”

Donnie smiled uncomfortably, knowing he was gonna bring up his sister somehow. “Ah, she’s fine.”

“Yeah? She, uh, seeing anyone?”

“I don’t know.”

“It’s cool, just let me know, yeah?”

“Yeah, for sure.”

“I’ll see you around, Donnie.”

“See you.”

They watched him walk back toward the school buildings. When he was out of sight, Sean and Ronny burst into laughter.

“Jesus, what a loser.”

“Yeah, you’re one to talk, Sean.” Donnie bit back jokingly.

“C’mon, Donnie, I’m not as bad as that guy.” 

“Right, keep telling yourself that, buddy.” Ronald added, shoving Sean playfully. 

They all laughed and suddenly Donnie didn’t feel so empty anymore. 

The bell rang and they all got up, putting their stuff away and heading to their study hall classes. The class was quiet. Donnie spent it with his head down, avoiding the piles of homework in his backpack. When the bell for seventh hour finally rang, he dreaded going to English. He wondered if Gretchen would move seats now that they weren’t going together anymore. Or if she’d stare at him the whole class with that weird, worried expression.

But when he got to Miss Pomeroy’s English class, there she was, in the seat next to his desk like always. Donnie walked slowly to his desk, hoping she wouldn’t notice him, hoping nobody would notice him. But sure enough, as soon as he sat down, his hopes were shattered.

“Hey, Donnie.” She said in her soft, pleasant voice, smiling as he glanced at her.

He just nodded, unable to get any words out in fear of saying something completely stupid. From the corner of his eye, he saw Sean smile like an idiot from his desk behind Gretchen’s. As the late bell rang, the students all took their seats and began shutting up, like usual.

“Good afternoon.” Miss Pomeroy greeted them as she turned from the blackboard.

The words: Chapters 39-41 had been written in chalk on it. Donnie cursed under his breath. The last chapter he read of Watership Down was chapter 20. 

“Good afternoon.” The class chorused back tiredly. 

“I hope you all had a good weekend. I hope you finished last week’s readings as well, because today we are going to be starting some group discussions.”

A groan of disdain went through the classroom like a wave. Donnie didn’t join them. He stayed quiet and looked down at the notebook on his desk and hoped Miss Pomeroy took enough pity on him to put him in a group with people who knew what they were doing. 

As Miss Pomeroy began putting people into groups, Donnie felt someone tap on his arm softly. He turned, seeing Gretchen’s hand reaching across their desks, looking at him hesitantly.

“I have the notes from the readings from last week if you want them.” She told him with a nod, a strange pity in her eyes.

He glanced at Sean, who was sitting behind her, and he gave Donnie a wide eyed look. Donnie didn’t know what that meant but he didn’t have time to decipher it anyway, because suddenly Miss Pomeroy was standing in front of his desk. He turned back around in his desk quickly, looking up at his teacher. She leaned down and spoke quietly to him.

“Don’t worry about the chapters from last week, Donnie. You’ll get caught up.” She said softly, nodding. “You only have to participate in the group discussion if you feel comfortable, but feel free to take notes over what they talk about.”

Donnie nodded, muttering a quiet thanks.

Great, all his teachers knew about his psychotic episode too, apparently. He looked down at his notebook and bit the inside of his cheek, praying to anyone that was listening that nobody heard her talking to him. 

Miss Pomeroy put him in a group with Gretchen and Sean and a kid named Yaya—who sat behind Sean and always seemed like he couldn’t stop fidgeting. They all turned their desks around so that they formed a small circle and Gretchen started the discussion. They talked about Hazel and Fiver and metaphors and figurative language and rhetorical appeals. Things that could put Donnie to sleep pretty easily on a normal day. He made sure to listen to the discussion, knowing that if he didn’t, his grade in that class would get worse than it already was. Gretchen talked for a while, then Yaya would add something, then Sean would say some stupid thing and they’d all laugh and roll their eyes. But Donnie never said anything. There wasn’t anything to say. 

Halfway through class, when they got to a break in their discussion, Donnie raised his hand and asked to use the washroom. Miss Pomeroy let him and he walked out of class and into the hall. He didn’t go to the washroom, in fact he walked right past it and toward the courtyard. He walked through the front doors of the building and outside into the courtyard, the sun the only thing warming the late autumn day. He wasn’t really sure where he was going. Just away, he guessed. He walked around the courtyard for a while, hands stuffed in his pockets and thinking about nothing. Before long he began to smell cigarette smoke, which was unusual considering he went to a private, K-12 school and smoking was strictly prohibited. Then he saw her, standing there smoking, leaning against the wall just next to the gym doors, hidden away behind the back of the grade school building. She noticed him too, it seemed, because as soon as he began walking over to her, she turned her head to look at him, blowing smoke out of the side of her mouth.

“Hey.” He said as he walked up to her, standing a few feet in front of her, hand still stuffed in his pockets.

“Hey.” She returned, eyes studying his face. They were both quiet for a few moments before she held out her burning cigarette to him. 

“Want a smoke?” 

For some strange reason, he couldn’t help but smile, laughing slightly as he nodded.

“Hm, sure, thanks.” He took the cigarette from her, joining her in leaning against the school building.

She crossed her arms across her chest and he stole glances toward her as he smoked. Her hair was bleached blonde. He knew this because he could see her dark brown roots growing in. She smelled like vanilla and cigarettes. Her skin was still golden tan from the summer, even with it being early November. She didn’t mind his presence it seemed, but she also wasn’t exactly happy to see him. He wasn’t some savior to her, which he appreciated. 

Donnie made sure to leave some of the cigarette left for her, made sure not to smoke it down to the filter. He handed it back to her, blowing the smoke away from the two of them. 

“Thanks.” He repeated, nodding toward her cordially.

She nodded in reply, meeting his blue eyes with her brown ones. A silent understanding seemed to pass between them, a secret only the two of them knew.

“Sure.” She said back. And that was all he needed.

He walked back toward the high school building, smoke tainted hands still stuffed in his pockets. He reentered the building and walked back through the halls and into class. Nobody had suspected anything. They went back to their group discussions.