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Roach would have loved to say that he just felt a dull ache tugging on the flesh of his lower abdomen but it was so much worse. It wasn't just a dull ache. It was a sharp pain, ripping through his organs. The pain pressed the air out of his lungs and he curled together, his arms clutching his stomach.
It felt like a bullet had been shot directly into his stomach but he knew that couldn't be. He wished for a bullet. Would have begged god on his knees for it to just please be a bullet. Being shot would have been much better than this.
He gritted his teeth together, his eyes squeezed shut. One of his hands clutched the blanket that was covering his body, the other one was pressed to his stomach. He couldn't tell if it helped or made everything worse but the pain was so bad that he couldn't imagine it to make a difference.
It wasn't just his stomach that was hurting. The pain stretched down into his thighs and up his back and clawed at his joints. It even seemed to hammer at his head.
Slowly, the pain swelled up again and Roach forced himself to push himself up. His movements felt uncoordinated and wobbly but he had no choice.
Now that he was more or less sitting up, he felt the wet, uncomfortable feeling of his boxers sticking to his crotch and thighs.
"You gotta be fucking kidding me..." he mumbled, pushing his hand under the waistband of his boxers. He dipped his middle finger against the entrance of his vagina, pulling his hand back out.
The room wasn't entirely dark. None of them liked to sleep in utter darkness, it always made them feel threatened.
The light that was coming through the partially opened curtain was enough to illuminate the wetness on Roach's finger. He couldn't tell what color it was but he didn't have to see it to know it was red.
He hadn't gotten his period in years. When he had started testosterone it had taken just a few months and his periods had stopped. He hadn't gotten them since. And he hadn't really planned on ever getting them again.
He knew this could happen. His doctors had told him that but no other trans person on T he knew had experienced this. So he had felt safe.
And now he was sitting in a puddle of blood, his insides seemingly at war with each other. The cramps felt like someone was clawing at his uterus, trying to rip it to shreds.
He wouldn't mind it being shredded. Especially if it would mean that he would not get his period again. He just wanted to get rid of this pain.
Slowly, he breathed in. Releasing the same breath shakily a few seconds later. He repeated this action a few times till he had finally convinced himself that he needed to get to the bathroom. For a moment, he considered getting fresh underwear but the closet was in the opposite direction of the bathroom and there was no way he would manage both ways.
He would just take the underwear off in the bathroom and bleed into the toilet for a while.
Briefly, he looked back at his boyfriend's, both still soundly sleeping.
Slowly, he pushed himself up, his knees feeling wobbly. He was sure that he was walking like an old man as he made his way to the bathroom. His entire body was crouched and he was dragging his feet over the floor like they were too heavy to lift.
When he finally closed the bathroom door behind himself, he turned on the light on the mirror. It was warmer and not as big as the light on the ceiling and somehow he had still hopes to fall back to sleep once he got back into bed.
He slipped off his underwear, dropping it to the floor, sitting down on the toilet and just staring at the wall in front of him. The walking had apparently caused more cramps to roll over him and he clutched his stomach again, biting down hard on his lower lip to not start sobbing loudly.
Tears were burning in his eyes. He had never felt so pathetic. His body was fighting against his mind.
This felt exactly like when he had still been a teenager. When his mum had sat on the bed next to him, handing him a hot water bottle while being on the phone with the school to call him in sick. She had always said that it was this time of the month again. That he never had it easy with it. That he was in pain and that there was no way he would be able to leave his bed today.
It felt like when he had sat in the bathtub, hoping the hot water would sooth the cramps. In the bathtub at home he had directly looked onto the shelf with the pink box on it. It had his deadname on it, written in gemstones. Pads and tampons were stored in it. Later also the pill.
His mother had convinced him to start the pill because some day he would have a boyfriend and would need it anyway and maybe it would lessen the pain.
Roach closed his eyes. He could swear that he could see the pink box on the shelf between Ghost's black cup that held his green toothbrush and the potted plant Johnny refused to admit had died.
He knew it wasn't there. He knew his boyfriends didn't even know his deadname. He knew he had burned this fucking box. But it was like it was tattooed onto his brain, determined to stay to haunt him forever.
"Bug? Are you in there?"
A soft knock followed the quiet voice of Simon.
Roach stared at the door in utter panic, all of the words he could say in this moment stuck in his throat.
The door opened and it took Roach staring directly into Ghost's face to realize he had forgotten to lock it.
"There is blood on the sheets. Are you okay?" Ghost's eyebrows were furrowed with worry and he was squinting his eyes, still trying to get used to the light.
"I'm fine. Be right there to change them." Roach quickly said, swallowing around the lump in his throat.
Ghost didn't seem convinced. His eyes slowly wandered over Roach's face and in that moment Roach realized that the tears were not just burning in his eyes anymore, instead already running down his cheeks and itching at his chin.
Only when Ghost stared at something farther down, Roach looked down too.
It looked like he had slaughtered someone on his lap. His inner thighs were smeared with so much blood that it had spread far enough for Ghost to see it even when Roach pressed his legs together. Then his gaze traveled to the blood soaked pair of light blue boxers laying next to the toilet.
"Si-" Roach started but Ghost just shook his head. Silently, he stepped closer, his hand brushing through Roach's hair for a moment but his face was as expressionless as ever.
"Hold on for just one more minute. I will get Johnny."
"Simon, I'm sorry." he whispered, not daring to look his partner in the eyes.
"You have nothing to be sorry about, bug." Simon answered in a steady tone, crouching down and picking up the bloody boxers. Roach wanted to say something to stop him from touching his disgusting underwear but another cramp tore through his lower abdomen and he could just barely keep himself together enough to not whimper and make Simon worry even more.
What Simon had actually said didn't really register in his brain. He barely managed to grab a bunch of toilet paper and start wiping over his thighs, finally having noticed the amount of blood and starting to wipe it away. But the blood was dried by now so rubbing equally dry toilet paper over it with so much force that the paper tore, did nothing to get rid of the blood.
His feet were getting incredibly cold on the tiles. They were so cold Roach was starting to be convinced that they hurt but he couldn't really tell for sure because at the moment everything hurt. Even his legs were falling asleep from sitting on the toilet for so long.
He was probably sitting weirdly, too. But it was currently the most comfortable position he could find. One hand on his stomach, the other one still rubbing toilet paper over his thighs.
"Hey, bug."
Roach looked up again, his face scrunched up in pain. Johnny's expression was not as worried as Simon's, he was smiling softly. He was wearing one of his cozy sweaters Roach loved to steal and his hair was so messy and Roach could cry just seeing how adorable he was.
But that was probably just due to the hormones.
"I got you fresh underwear." Johnny holds up a pair of black boxers, smiling softly.
He stepped closer, noticing the blood on Roach's thighs he had tried and failed to fully cover with the toilet paper.
"Oh, okay. It's that bad, hm?" Johnny asked, putting down the fresh underwear on the small cabinet that stored their replacement toilet paper rolls and towels, "So I doubt cleaning this like that is going to work so how about I grab some wet wipes and clean you up?"
"No, you don't... You don't have to do that." Roach felt himself flush crimson red, looking down again, staring at his knees. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt so incredibly embarrassed. Actually, he probably never had been this embarrassed before.
He was in pain, his entire body just screaming for him to go lay down again. Curl up in a warm bed and pull a blanket over his head and go to sleep. And when he woke up again he would realize that he was still wearing his light blue boxers, not soaked in blood and that Ghost and Soap were still calmly sleeping and all of that would just turn out to be a really really bad dream.
"I know that I don't have to." Johnny replied in a calm voice, getting up and walking over to the cabinet under the sink. He opened it and grabbed a package of wet wipes. They always kept multiple packages at hand for the times they came back from missions and were too tired to shower so they just wiped the worst grime off with the wet wipes.
He knelt down in front of the toilet again, taking out a wipe and slowly starting to rub away the blood.
"It's just blood, bug." he whispered, his free hand brushing over Roach's leg, down to his feet. "Your feet are so cold. Wait, put them on my thighs, I'm warm." Soap didn't really leave him a choice, just lifting his legs up and putting his feet on his thighs.
His legs started feeling like the static of a TV looked while the blood slowly started moving through them again.
But Soap didn't even seem to mind the cold on his legs or the fact that he was still carefully wiping up blood.
"I'm really sorry about this." "You have nothing to be sorry about. You are doing nothing wrong. It's just a little blood. So how about you clean yourself up and we'll get you back in bed and wrapped in some warm, weighted blankets and find you some chocolate to munch on?"
"I need a pad or a tampon or something..." he whispered, tears welling up in his eyes again. He hated this. He didn't want to go through changing tampons or pads again.
Of course, he knew it was normal but it disgusted him so much. His entire body felt icky and uncomfortable and weird and he wanted to vomit just thinking about it.
"It's okay. These are padded boxers. It feels a little different but I always liked wearing those more than tampons or actual pads. I even tried period cups but I never really figured those out."
Roach chuckled softly.
"Okay, so how about we put those boxers on you and go back to bed?"
"I bled on the sheets..."
Roach didn't manage more than a whisper. He curled in on himself again, holding his stomach as another painful cramp ripped through his insides.
"Si started changing the sheets directly after he woke me up. We should have fresh sheets by now."
"Oh. I told him I'd do it. I didn't mean to-"
Soap shook his head, grabbing the boxers and pulling them up Roach's legs, up to his knees. "Clean yourself up, love. I will wait for you in the bedroom, okay?"
Gary nodded silently, watching Johnny smile at him again before turning around and leaving the bathroom again.
A few minutes later, Gary had cleaned himself up again and pulled up the period boxers. He was a little wonky on his legs and his head felt like it was filled with wax.
A little panicked, he held onto the sink, trying to steady himself. His vision was getting splotchy and he felt himself sway a little on his feet.
"Oh no." he mumbled, feeling himself passing out. Quickly, he let himself drop onto the floor, laying his head down on his knees.
"Help..." he whispered but he knew that no one would hear him.
Even though, the pill had given him skin issues, had messed up his hormones completely and had given him depression, at least it had kept him from passing out on his period. And that was gone now. So now he was sitting on the bathroom floor, bleeding into his boyfriend's boxers, his entire body in pain and his brain betraying him.
Slowly, he let himself drop down on the bath matt, curling in on himself. Maybe he could just sleep here. Or at least stay in the bathroom so his boyfriends could go to sleep again.
They had pretty much all of their medication in their bathroom so maybe if he managed to stand up again in an hour or two he could find some pain killers in the cabinet.
"Gary, what are you doing on the floor?"
Roach didn't manage to lift his head to look at Simon. "Dying." he mumbled in response, his one hand in his boxers to keep pressure on his lower stomach. It somehow lessened the pain. Or at least he was trying to gaslight himself into thinking that it did.
"Well, I like you alive a lot. Come to bed, Roach."
"I can't move. I'll pass out when I get up." he mumbled, feeling his face heat up.
This was nothing that happened for the first time.
Okay, this never happened. But it wasn't the first time Simon found him curled up on the floor, about to pass out and in endless pain. So it felt a little less horrible to have to admit that. But it was still bad. Because this wasn't a battle wound. He didn't fight just to survive this pain.
It felt like he didn't deserve to be curled up on the ground in pain.
He heard steps coming closer and just a moment later a heavy hand came to rest on his head, brushing through his hair and giving him some brief neck scratches.
Slowly, Roach opened his eyes and looked at Simon. He was crouching next to him on the floor, his hand slowly scratching his neck. "It doesn't look to comfy there." Simon whispered, "I changed the sheets and cooked some tea. Can I pick you up and bring you back to bed?"
"You were never supposed to see me have my period." Roach mumbled as Simon pulled him into his arms, kissing his forehead.
"Bug, I don't care about that. I don't care if your arm, leg or uterus bleeds onto the bed sheets. I don't care if we cook tea and cuddle in the middle of the night because one of us had a nightmare or because your tummy hurts."
Roach giggled. "The big, scary Ghost said tummy."
"Shut up." Simon laughed, ruffling his hand trough Roach's hair again while hoisting him up to carry him back to the bedroom.
"Also, I have a little tip for you. You're dating a Captain. He signs the papers if you request a hysterectomy."
Roach groaned quietly. He had never really thought about getting one after his period had stopped with starting T. But now that it came back, getting one didn't sound so bad.
"I'll make a decision on that when my uterus isn't trying to kill me anymore." he mumbled. Simon chuckled softly, finally getting up from the bathroom floor. He held Roach firmly in his arms, carefully maneuvering them through the door together.
Roach saw Johnny sit in the bed, smiling softly. "I made you a hot water bottle, love-bug. And got you some fuzzy socks."
"Thank you, Johnny." Roach mumbled. He was getting tired again but his whole body still hurt so much that he still wasn't sure he would be able to sleep again tonight.
Ghost carefully placed him on the middle of the bed before laying down next to him.
They didn't really have a strict plan to who slept where on their bed - especially because Roach moved around so much that he often ended on top of Simon or Johnny. One time, he had ended up curled up in Johnny's arms with his face buried in his chest, even though he had gone to sleep in an entirely different room.
Ghost had been very confused when he had woken up with two other people in his bed while Soap had not even questioned the curled up soldier, still wearing a helmet with his antennas attached to it. He had just kissed the tip of his nose, drummed his fingers on his helmet and had then tried to get Simon to get up and get them all coffee.
"I made you a hot water bottle for your tummy and one for your back." Johnny said, patting the two hot water bottles laying next to him.
"If I wouldn't be in so much pain, this would be heaven. Especially if I could also put an ice cube in my pussy. I don't know why but I think this would fix my entire life." "Oh my god, that's what I always said! Everyone I told that to told me I was insane!"
"If it helps," Simon said, "I think you are both insane and we should go back to sleep. So... painkillers, tea, hot water bottles, chocolate milk because apparently there doesn't exist any actual chocolate but instead just chocolate milk on base and a weighted blanket."
Gary grinned shyly, taking the painkillers first. Then he sipped some of his tea and some of his milk after he burned his tongue with the tea and then he curled up under the heavy blanket, letting Soap place the water bottles on his tummy and back.
Simon was still sitting upright next to him, starting to slowly drag his index finger up and down the bridge of Roach's nose. Roach couldn't really remember when Simon had found that trick but it was so incredibly calming, nearly hypnotizing to him that it always helped him fall asleep.
Johnny had scooted up against his back, unintentionally warming his own stomach with the hot water bottle he had placed there to soothe Roach's pain. One hand was placed under his head, the other carefully wrapped around Gary's waist and pushed under his boxers to massage his lover stomach.
"Hmm... Where did you learn that?" Roach whispered, feeling the pain slowly subside more and more.
"My Ma always did it for me when I had bad cramps. Works wonders, hm?" Soap whispered, pressing a soft kiss to the back of Roach's neck.
"'M tired..." he mumbled. "Go to sleep, love. We're here. We're taking care of you." Simon whispered, keeping his fingers slowly brushing over the bridge of Roach's nose. Roach smiled tiredly, curling up a little smaller and closing his eyes, ready to drift off back to sleep.
Maybe dating his Captain would get him a day off. The first day of his period has always been the worst. And he was supposed to have sparring training with some new recruits. He doubted that he would be able to make that with period cramps. But Soap was easy to crack. All it took were some sweet puppy eyes. And with the fact Soap knew how bad periods could be, he would be even easier to convince. Maybe he would even stay with him and cuddle him a little bit. He really didn't want to miss this massage.