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Sometimes, John wasn't sure if he hated black out curtains or shadows more. The darkness seemed to haunt him. He felt silly thinking of it but the moment he was caught in an utterly dark room, he felt like the most cliche child in the world. Like monsters were hiding everywhere, just trying to get him into their claws.
Opening the curtains didn't really help either. It made him feel like he was being watched. Like he was presenting himself to the enemy on a silver platter. Even sitting up and staring outside to convince himself that no one was there and he was in a safe place didn't make anything better. His brain just didn't seem to get the message.
Sometimes, he was tired enough to just pass out.
Sometimes, he took some medication to help him sleep. But he couldn't do that too often. And it was risky.
Once, they had needed him for an urgent mission but he was so knocked out with sleeping pills that he was utterly useless to them. Luckily, no one had died or gotten seriously injured on that mission but Price still felt guilty till this day.
What mostly worked was taking a hot shower and going to bed directly afterwards, letting his core temperature drop afterwards and trick his body into falling asleep. But not even that had helped today. He was still stuck in his bed, staring at the ceiling and feeling incredibly uncomfortable in the room that was supposed to make him feel safe.
Sighing, he pushed himself up. He picked up the socks he had dropped onto the floor next to the bed and pulled them over his feet again, dragging himself to his closet. He grabbed a pair of pajama pants and pulled them over his legs. He was still wearing a shirt and the weather wasn't cold enough to make him bother to put on a jacket or hoodie.
So he just grabbed his keys, shoved them into his pocket and left his room with a cigar in one and a lighter in the other hand.
Too lazily - and frankly a little terrified - to search for other shoes, he just shoved his feet into the combat boots he had placed next to the door. He didn't bother tying them.
If he was lucky, no one would see him. He knew that there were cameras pretty much everywhere and that enough people were on night watch on the base but maybe he would get lucky enough to just have a smoke in peace.
Maybe it would calm his nerves enough to get him too actually relax and fall asleep.
As he was making his way through the dark hallways of the barracks, he had to admit that maybe the combat boots had been a terrible idea. The sound of his footsteps was so incredibly loud. With every step came a loud thud. And then an echo of it, hollering through the dark corridors.
He forced himself to slow down his steps, tried his best to trad a little softer but it didn't seem to work. For a moment, he considered firing himself.
How could it even be possible that he was a captain and went on secret missions that required him to move quietly basically on a monthly basis and still he couldn't manage to walk down a hallway remotely quiet at 1 a.m.?
When he reached Soap's room, he stilled for a moment. He could hear the Scot laugh inside. Always their sunshine. Even at night.
He assumed that Ghost and Roach were with him. They mostly were. The three of them barely left each other's sides since they got together.
Price liked seeing them so happy.
Slowly, he started walking again. The last thing he needed right now was Ghost discovering him lurking in the hall in front of his boyfriend's room at 1 in the morning. He wouldn't hurt him but until he at least recognized him, he would be furious.
And this was really not what he was trying to achieve. He just wanted some peace.
So he just kept walking, spooking at the sound of his own footsteps over and over again.
Finally, he reached the door and stepped outside. He leaned against the wall, resting his head against it. The air was cool but not cool enough for him to regret not wearing a jacket. Sighing, he placed the cigar between his lips, holding the lighter to it and taking his first drag.
His eyes were burning from how tired he was. And the light breeze also pushed the smoke of his cigar directly into his face which didn't really help.
Maybe he should call his mother again. He hadn't talked to her in a long time. She was probably annoyed already.
He made a mental note to call her in the afternoon.
Maybe he would even remember to do so. He doubted it, though.
Slowly, he took another drag of his cigar, lifting up his head a little and watching the base. There was a man on patrol but that was pretty much all that was happening.
For some reason he missed his hat in this moment. He was pretty sure that if he just pulled his hat into his face right now, he could just fall asleep standing upright. And this would probably be the best sleep he would get in weeks. He leaned back, closing his eyes again and taking another drag, breathing out slowly.
"Sexy pajama pants."
John flinched. He felt his hand going to the holster that normally held his gun but of course it wasn't there.
"Calm down, Jonathan. It's just me."
John blinked a few times, having long recognized the heavy Russian accent.
"Nik... What are you doing here?" he asked, rubbing his hand over his chest, trying to calm his heartbeat down. He looked up at the man in front of him, who had his hands buried in the pockets of his leather jacket and was grinning at him like a maniac.
"I just wanted to keep you on your toes." Nik grinned, leaning against the wall next to him and taking the cigar from his hand, placing it between his own lips and taking a deep drag. He rolled his eyes back like this was just the best experience of his life.
John couldn't help but stare at him. His hand still rubbing his chest to calm himself down, his gaze traveling up the arch of his throat, staring at the way his adam's apple bopped as he swallowed.
"Wait..." John suddenly mumbled, "You've not been here for months. Where the fuck did you come from?"
Nikolai chuckled, handing John his cigar back. "Just landed. Wanted to come surprise you at breakfast, who knew I'd meet you here?"
John smiled back at him. He had missed him. It felt like they hadn't seen each other in forever but John knew that couldn't be true. He had been busy lately. Nikolai too. Maybe it had been a few months.
"I can't sleep." John sighed, taking the last deep drag of his cigar before dropping it into the bucket with sand everyone dropped their cigarettes in.
He had to admit that he had let it burn more than he had actually smoked it but he didn't really care in the moment.
Nikolai nodded. "I can see that. You look exhausted."
John silently scratched his beard. He wasn't sure what to say.
It didn't surprise him that his body started to feel even more tired and somehow heavier now that Nikolai was standing right next to him. For some reason, it had been like that since they had met. Falling asleep was a lot easier when he was hiding in a safe house with Nik. Then it didn't even matter if it was dark or if the windows were opened. He didn't even care that they were being hunted by enemies.
In the safety of the small rooms they slept in together, the sound of Nik's breath was comforting. Reminded him that he wasn't alone. That if he had to fight, he wouldn't fight alone. And even if he died, he wouldn't die alone.
There would be a man with a strong Russian accent, calling him by his full name in this mocking tone.
He had never died. Obviously. He had dreamed of it often. Of enemies finding their safe house, breaking in and murdering him and Nikolai before they even had a chance to fight back.
But no matter what scenario his mind played out in his sleep, he always woke up to the sound of soft footsteps of barefoot feet making their way over to the small cabinets where Nik would start to rummage for food.
If he found something, he would come over to Price, shove him a little to make space to sit down on his cot with him. He would do his best to split the food into two equal portions and if it didn't work, he would give Price the bigger portion.
Price had only mentioned it the first time. Had told Nikolai that he actually didn't feel that hungry even though he had felt like he was starving and had offered to take the smaller piece of the bread Nikolai had ripped apart (with his bare hands, which Price had to admit had been kind of hot).
Nikolai had just scoffed, told him to shut up and that he had already taken the bigger piece.
Price knew he had been lying. He could see it. He wasn't that stupid. But after that, he had never mentioned it again. Had taken the bigger piece and smiled when Nikolai wasn't looking.
There had never been a different way. Nikolai had always gotten up to start the search for food first. If Price had just made a motion to get up as well, Nikolai had told him to rest a little longer and that he would wake him when the time came.
Then they sat together on Price's cot. It mostly made concerning noises under the weight of two grown military men but none ever broke. And Price doubted that it would have stopped Nikolai to still sit with him in the future even if one had.
Price had to admit he loved these mornings. Even when his whole body was in pain or he was freezing cold or wet to the bone from the mission they had gotten back from. Nikolai finding his space on his cot, staying exactly where he was so Price had no other choice than carefully snaking his legs around Nik's hips when he wanted to sit up. And then their bodies were still pressed together. Always touching. Always soaking up the warmth of the other.
"Laswell call you?" Price finally asked, scratching the back of his neck.
Nik chuckled: "Wow, you are really out of it, huh? Come, I will bring you back to your room, you need to sleep."
"That doesn't answer my question." Price said, still letting Nikolai push him through the door and into the barracks again. Nikolai's footsteps were even louder than Price's had been but he didn't even seem to care.
"Laswell did not call me. I wanted to see you again. Haven't heard from you in a while and we were both busy. And I hoped you would have some time to go grab a drink. And Russia gets really cold after a while."
"You love the cold." Price groaned, rolling his eyes. "Yes, but it gets a little too cold if there is no one to cuddle with."
"You're a handsome man, Nik, if you would just stop calling your helo baby you could easily get a girl."
Nikolai stared at the other man. "You're fucking with me, right?"
"No, I'm serious. If you would just turn away from your helo for two seconds, you'd have a girlfriend by now."
Nikolai stopped, grabbing the other man by the shoulder and pushing him against the wall, caging him in with both of his arms.
"Jonathan. Take a fucking hint."
"What hint?"
"Oh John... I really want to kiss you right now. And I don't just want to bring you to your room, I want you to invite me in and allow me to squeeze into your bed with you and hold you and kiss you till we both fall asleep."
"What?" John mumbled.
He didn't know what to do with his hands. He wanted to touch Nikolai. Cup his face and pull him closer. Bury them in his hair he always wanted to touch. And he wanted Nikolai to take his hands off the wall and put them on his sides or his shoulders or his ass. He didn't care as long as he would finally touch him.
"You're a bit dense sometimes, мой дорогой." Nik sighed, straightening up again.
"If you want to kiss me so bad, maybe you should just do it. You always take what you want. Why not this?"
Price couldn't believe he had said that. He stared at the other man with disbelief, nervously starting to chew the inside of his cheek.
"Is that an order, Captain?"
"Yes, solider."
Nik grinned, grabbing John's hip with one hand and pulling him closer till their chests were pressed against each other. John wasn't sure if that was his or Nik's heart he felt beating like it was trying to get through a marathon.
He wanted to make another snarky comment. Say anything to overplay the nervousness that had his breath shaking and not being able to hold eye contact with the slightly taller man. But Nik didn't let it get that far.
He leaned in, placing his other hand on John's cheek and angling his head just right. His lips found John's with ease and John couldn't keep himself from awkwardly gasping for air, grabbing onto Nik's upper arms like he was going to faint.
Never had he been so thankful to have a wall against his back to hold him upright.
Nik pulled back way too quickly. He raised an eyebrow and smiled softly. "Are you sure this is okay?" he asked in a soft voice that made his Russian accent sound even heavier than usual.
"Yes! Why the fuck did you stop?"
Nik chuckled: "I wasn't sure if you would pass out on me."
"Happy to see you got your head out of your ass, Cap, but could you do that in your room? Some people are trying to sleep here."
John turned his head to see Ghost leaning in the door to Johnny's room, a sleepy Roach sticking his head out under his arm to see what was going on.
Shortly after, Soap appeared next to them. He did not look at all like he was trying to sleep, grinning from ear to ear.
"Hi, Nik." he grinned, leaning against Ghost.
"Why are you even awake?" John sighed, feeling himself flush crimson red, praying that the others couldn't see that in the dark.
"Soap is hyperactive." Ghost said, brushing his hand through his mohawk. Roach just nodded in agreement.
"You're telling me, the three of you can't keep it in your pants long enough to not fuck during sparring training but you cannot get the hyperactive ADHD golden retriever boy to sleep by fucking his energy out?"
Ghost chuckled under his mask. "We're three rounds in. He is very... motivated today."
Soap grinned proudly.
"Roach doesn't look like he can take another round." Nik mentioned, gesturing at the shortest of the three man, slouching against Ghost's body while his hand was tugging on the waistband of Soap's sweatpants. Roach just blinked slowly, not even bothering to sign a snarky comment back. Nikolai wouldn't understand it anyway. He was trying to learn but he was only slowly making progress.
"Yes, that's why we are trying to sleep now. I have my methods to knock out Soap." Ghost grinned, taking the other man's shoulder and pushing him back into the room, Roach happily trailing after him.
"Make sure the captain gets some sleep. This base looked more like The Walking Dead than the show did with him walking around like this." Ghost said and Nik nodded, pulling Price closer against him.
Then Ghost disappeared again. Nik grinned at him: "Want me to fuck you to sleep, too?"
"Shut up." John groaned, pushing Nik away and walking towards his room. He heard Nik quickly follow and just as he reached his door, two strong arms wrapped around him from the back and he felt the light stubble of Nik's beard scratch his neck as the other man started to kiss him over and over again.
"I swear if I fall asleep without trouble now, I will never be able to sleep without you again." Price groaned, pretending to be annoyed as he kicked of his boots and laid down in his bed, waiting for Nik to get undressed down to his boxers and lay down with him.
"Just go to sleep, I'm holding you. You're safe." Nik whispered but John already felt himself drifting of to sleep as Nik had wrapped his arms around him.
He couldn't wait to go to sleep again the next evening, his face buried in Nik's chest, breathing in his scent and knowing he was safe, even in the darkness.