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"Akito... The real half-assed one here is me. I'm... not worthy of standing by your..."
Toya, having spent a year separating himself from that mindset, liked to believe that he was secure in his relationship with Akito; that all pretense of worthiness had vanished, and they existed as indisputable equals -- that they were real partners who would never again be plagued by the worries which worked so painstakingly to isolate their hearts from each other.
But then there came nights like these -- blanketed by the cover of darkness, the quiet humming behind the walls acting as the only noise in the room. It was always the unexpectedly peaceful nights like these, where Akito held him close in that most comfortably dreamlike of ways, that those anxious thoughts of old crept into Toya's mind and whispered doubtful utterances into his ear.
It wasn't like he was in a constant state of doubting himself anymore. He loved Akito, and he loved being his partner, that much he knew well. But recent events... They opened the long since glued-shut floodgates which contained his most shameful, heartaching memory.
"...You're not gonna perform with me anymore? What are you saying?" It hurt to have Akito question him like that. He wanted so badly to just run away; for Akito to accept that they could no longer be with each other and leave it at that. Yet he didn't, his obvious affection for Toya making it all the more painful to throw everything away.
"...What happened? Did your dad say something again?"
Oh, how it absolutely shattered Toya's heart to hear that. He was the one who was holding Akito back -- the very embodiment of everything his partner hated in a performer, someone who had no right to claim the dream of surpassing RAD WEEKEND... and yet Akito still treated him with a kindness that was as otherworldly as it was undeserved.
"This is my own decision. The music we perform, it doesn't have any meaning. It's just child's play."
He absolutely despised spewing such venom at Akito. He didn't mean a single word of it, but he knew very well that if he allowed himself to reveal the true reason he was leaving BAD DOGS, Akito would simply suck him back in again with those words of affirmation he'd grown so weak to. In his eyes, the only solution was to insult the very core of Akito's being -- to make Akito hate him so much that he could pursue his dream unchained by Toya's weak constitution.
"How about you grow up sometime soon too. You can't just go around chasing tiny little events that are only famous in this town at best."
"You bastard...! Don't ever show me your face again!"
To this day, Toya believed he was fully deserving of the punch that would stain his cheek for days afterward. To have the nerve to belittle the dream which had threaded itself through every atom of Akito's fragile heart... He would've punched himself too, honestly. He was a coward and a liar through and through, forcibly proving to himself that the unconditional kindness Akito had bestowed upon him wasn't something he was worthy of accepting.
And yet here he was now, drowning in the waters he'd been terrified to so much as dip his toes into before.
Through the dim light, enabling him to only feel the arms of that very boy wrapped around him in a firm yet comfortable embrace, Toya brought a tentative hand to his own face. His skin had long since memorized the exact spot in which Akito's fist had collided against him; a constant phantom reminder of his cowardice ingrained into his muscle memory. To even acknowledge it was like the press of searing heat into snow, melting away each and every layer until nothing remained but the loser that still dwelled within.
Akito shifted every so slightly, peacefully sighing into the skin of Toya's neck. But the typically relaxing positon in which the older found himself was suddenly much too overwhelming. He squirmed in Akito's hold, even the pump of his own heart forcefully sending every nerve in his body into overdrive -- Everything ached, his mind was starting to dull; nothing remained but those deepseated anxieties. He so badly despised that he couldn't simply lock them away and push them out of view for all eternity.
He thought he'd gotten over this, but at the end of the day the pathetic creature that was absolutely terrified of losing Akito still dwelled in his shrunken heart. He absolutely hated dealing with it, shoving down every single semblance of its pitiful existence -- yet what had occurred between Shiraishi and Azusawa only a little while ago... It awoke that ugly side of his heart and slowly ate away at the thick, intricate casing he'd spent over a year building around it. He couldn't breathe, couldn't escape, couldn't be here- He didn't deserve-
"Toya...?" muttered Akito, awakened by the sensation of his partner's thrashing -- just in time to grab Toya by the scruff right as he was about to tumble off the edge of a cliff. Like a deer caught in headlights, Toya froze in place, like he could maybe convince Akito he was just tossing and turning in his sleep if he stayed still long enough.
"...Toya? You good?" Akito's lips ghosted behind the shell of his partner's ear, inducing a full-body shiver that completely destroyed whatever possibility of ignorance remained. His partner's voice felt like silk upon his sensitive ears, yet his heart twisted further into nasty coils of guilt nonetheless. He could sense Akito's genuine concern, finding it agonizing to take such advantage of his endless kindness.
"I... don't know." Toya answered as honestly as his broken, whispering voice could allow, slowly flipping his body over in order to face what he could make out of his partner's features. "I feel weird... My body is so tired, but my head refuses to settle down."
"You thinkin' about something?" Akito continued to question, one of the hands that had previously been spooning Toya coming up to rub at the taller's back with equal love put into the motion.
"Mm-hm." Toya answered simply. "About too much."
"You wanna tell me about it?" Akito continued to whisper, fully embracing the subsequent feeling of Toya slightly curling in on himself, both hands clutching at the loose tee Akito'd been using as pajamas -- He remained just close enough to share his heat with Toya, yet distanced enough to prevent suffocating the poor boy.
"...I suppose it's because of what happened with Shiraishi and Azusawa a little while ago." Toya explained, voice slightly muffled as his face hesitantly found a home in the crook of Akito's neck -- full of the scent that comforted Toya like no other; that reminded him his partner was still here.
"It made me think... about when I tried to run away from you."
"You're still worried about that?" asked Akito, not a speck of contempt toward the idea in the slightest. In the younger's eyes, it was such a simple thing to treat every word Toya spoke with equal patience and understanding, but to the boy himself it was one of the many things about Akito that made him want to sob with joy and appreciation.
"A little." Toya admitted. The more he spoke, the smaller he felt, yet he strangely felt so comfortable allowing himself to shrink down so long as Akito was there to hold whatever remained. "I know that's stupid, but... there's a part of me that still gets scared at the thought of losing you, Akito."
"...Mm-hm. I get it." Akito spoke softly, the hand on Toya's back travelling upward until it could gently pet the softness of two-toned hair. He never once belittled Toya's worries, only offering himself as an anchor; a shoulder that he could always cry on without fear of slipping into the pitch black depths which terrified him so.
"I think about it sometimes, too." Akito continued, instantly wrapping his free arm around Toya the moment he sensed his partner settle closer in. "Like... how shitty I was to ignore your feelings, how much it would've sucked if I lost you for good that day... and how badly I wanna make sure it doesn't happen again."
"Akito..."
"That's why I'm gonna say it as many times as you need me to..." Akito promptly interrupted with a slight hum in his voice, ever so slightly adjusting Toya's head for the sake of punctuating his words with a tender smooch. "You're not stupid, Toya. You're the most amazing guy I've ever met, and I'd kill just to keep you in my life."
"I know you don't wanna be a burden..." continued Akito without pause, his lips barely having parted from the top of Toya's head. "...but please, for the love of god, burden me, Toya. Put everything that makes you feel bad on my shoulders; I swear I can handle it -- I want to handle it, because I love you, Toya."
Toya froze up for a moment. In all his bittersweet reminiscence, he'd forgotten one key fact about Akito -- He didn't compromise on anything, and that included the extent of which he desired to protect his partner. He denied it every single time the question arose, but it was blaringly obvious from the very beginning that Akito wanted to take on every single thing that caused Toya pain as if they were his own.
The desire to cure your partner's mind of all suffering, accumulating so densely that every ache which panged their heart may as well have stricken your own... Toya knew it extremely well. And truly, if that feeling wasn't love, then what was? The useless query echoed through the older's murky, flooded mind for but an ephemeral instance before everything suddenly came undone.
"...Akito..." He finally repeated, undisguised joy melding the gaps between the anxious nerves which had cracked apart the tone in his whispering voice. He clutched Akito's shirt ever tighter, like he needed to ground himself as the pressure in his chest unwound all at once. It all rushed from the core of his body in half a second, exploding in the form of near silent sobs which stained the collar of his lover he'd so greedily buried himself into.
Toya seldom shed tears. Even when he was a little kid, it was a deeply rooted instinct to stifle his negative emotions in hopes they would simply go away if left ignored; yet Akito held such sway over his heart that he couldn't help but bawl his eyes out -- Not out of sadness, but because his heart was so full of the gentle yet unyielding flame that was Akito's love; it was only a matter of time before it burst apart.
Akito, who looked upon him with such enamored eyes from day one... Akito, who gently took hold of his heart and kissed at each and every scar decorating its surface until he could finally learn to be okay with having been wounded in the first place... Akito, Akito, Akito -- Toya cherished everything that made up his partner, from his body which warmed him so lovingly to his words which soothed the very depths of his soul. It physically hurt how much he loved him, to be able to stand by his side as his partner and stare down his most despicable fear together.
Akito really was incredible... Toya knew in that moment that he'd never love anyone more.
"You feeling better now?" The boy in question had eventually asked. Toya's tears had devolved into tiny, lingering sniffles by then, rendering him extra sensitive to the slow, affectionate sensations of Akito's hands petting him.
"Mm-hm... Thank you, Akito." mumbled a noticeably exhausted Toya. He used all that remained of his energy to perch his head onto Akito, delivering a proper smooch to those lips which bestowed such sweetness upon him. "Do you... mind if I ask you one thing, though?"
"Yeah. Go ahead." Akito answered instantly, this time anticipating the subsequent kiss and delivering his reciprocation faster than Toya could think to long for it.
"If you're ever upset or scared, for any reason at all..." began Toya, finally releasing the fabric of Akito's shirt in order to lazily sling his arms around the younger's tear-stained neck. "Please tell me, Akito. I don't want you to be alone in your worries either, so... Let me be the one who shoulders them for you, too."
"That's..." Akito was quick to turn bright red at his partner's words. It only hit him just then what he'd said to Toya, having gotten far too worked up to keep himself from spitting out something embarrassing.
"Alright, fine..." the younger eventually sighed, tangling his own arms around Toya without much care for the inevitable morning numbness. "I promised a long time ago that I'd stop making you worry, so it's no fair if I back down now."
Toya couldn't help but giggle, and he surely would've thrown himself onto Akito had they not already intertwined their whole bodies with each other at that point. Feeling a hundred pounds lighter now that his troubles had been eased, nothing but the overabundance of love left over remained in the incessant string of adoring pecks that were then peppered onto Akito's lips.
It was only when those same lips pushed back against Toya of their own accord did he slow down, feeling his whole body turn to jelly in the most pleasant way possible as he let Akito kiss him -- slowly, yet with an undeniable passion that permeated every action the younger took. It was impossible for Toya not to lose himself in the connection, minds blurring together until there was only 'them' that could be comprehended.
...Until Akito slowly pulled away, and Toya's brain and heart could return to earth for the sole purpose of reminding him how much he adored everything about his partner. There truly wasn't anyone else in this life, universe or whatever additional remaining metric of reality that he'd rather love for the rest of his life.
"I love being your partner." was the mutual thought that donned upon them as Akito descended once more, both of them now more secure in their devotion to each other than ever.