Archive of Our Own

Ever since they'd started hanging out for real, Chad had been making up excuses to get Ryan alone. 

At first it was just invitations to play video games or go for a snack run, whatever gave them more time after school. 

Then Chad was dragging him out to the courtyard during lunch and offering to drive him to lessons and just generally tagging along wherever Ryan went, always hugging him longer away from prying eyes.

And they were a package deal for team parties now. 

Ryan had somehow managed to drag the naive jock to a drama club hangout. Chad had been apprehensive at first, but he relaxed quickly once he found out that weed was involved. 

Ryan didn't smoke, but Chad sure as hell did. 

And he looked absolutely gorgeous doing it, no matter how much his lungs were going to regret it. He was somehow even more touchy when he was high, and he convinced Ryan to take a small hit just to feel what he was feeling.

It was a beautiful night and, this far from the street lights, their dim phone screens just barely lit everyone's faces enough for them to look at each other. Chad looked like he was glowing.

He was always beautiful even when he was a mess. No matter what he wore or what mood he was in, every time Ryan caught himself staring, Chad was perfect. 

Tonight, Ryan was determined to let him know. Whatever it took, he was going to make damn sure that Chad knew just how perfect he was.

All his attempts so far had been pathetic, but he was feeling lucky tonight. Tech week was a few days away, and he'd run through all his cues forwards and backwards. All that was left was to keep up with the stage crew's updates and wait patiently. 

Basketball season was already over this far into the year, which meant that Chad had much more free time. Free time to spend with Ryan, that is.

They were playing street fighter for the third day in a row. Chad was laying half on the couch and half on the floor, his head laying between Ryan's thighs. 

Ryan balanced his controller on top of the boy's curls, pretending not to watch how his brows furrowed in concentration.  “You look so silly when you're focused,” he said lightly.

Chad nudged him. “You look silly all the time.”

Ryan scoffed and put a hand to his collarbone dramatically. “How dare you. I thought you liked my hats.” 

“I didn't say I didn't like them, I said they were silly.” While he was distracted, Chad took the opportunity to mash the buttons on his controller and do several combos, knocking out Ryan's character. He pumped his fists. 

Obviously, Ryan wasn't going to just sit there and watch him boast. Ryan interrupted his victory dance by tasing him on the sides. Chad arched his back with a surprisingly high pitched squeal. 

“You're such a sore loser,” he complained, tossing his controller aside. He reached behind him and grabbed Ryan's shirt before twisting around to tickle him. Gasping, Ryan struggled to get away.

“I can't help it if I'm used to winning.” He tipped his chin with defiance, but keeled over a second later when Chad stuck a hand under his shirt to tickle him more effectively. 

“Not in this game you're not,” he cackled. Once Ryan had been thoroughly tortured Chad wrestled him to the ground and took his spot on the couch.

“Okay, but I'd kick your ass at Dance Dance Revolution,” Ryan said. He grumbled and lay back on his elbows.

Chad kept his eyes on the screen as he selected a new character, grinning madly. “You would, that's why I don't have it.”

“You should get it.”

“I'm not wasting my hard earned money just so you can kick my ass, I can play baseball for free.”

“ ....... if I get it for you, would you play with me?” Ryan watched out of the corner of his eye as Chad froze. He stopped setting up the next game and looked at the floor for a minute. 

“Would you do that for me?” Chad asked. 

They both knew money would never be an issue for the Evanses, but he still never asked Ryan to pay for things. Sometimes he'd even insist on paying for lunch just to ‘even things out’ as he said. 

“Yea duh, it can't be more than 20 bucks,” Ryan said, motioning to Chad to give him back his controller. 

“Honestly,” the brunette continued, “you really don't have to. I could probably get it myself.” 

“Consider it an early Christmas present.” Ryan murmured. He leaned his head on his friend's knee. “Besides, it would be nice to have someone to play with.”

He regretted the phrasing the second it came out of his mouth and was already cringing at Chad's response.

Chad smirked, reaching down to ruffle his hair. “Awww! You wanna play with me, huh Evans? Didn't think you'd be so forward about it.”

With his eyes focused back on the game they were playing, Ryan simply brushed his hand off. “Whore,” he muttered.

“Prude,” Chad shot back. 

Ryan messed around with the joystick before eventually choosing Chun Li. They both wanted to play Yun, but it was Chad's turn to get him and Ryan was supposed to be working on losing better. He set his mouth in a straight line and let Chad pick Yun. They both fell silent when the game started.

“Hey, uh.” Chad cleared his throat. “I've got a wild question, Evans. You don't have to answer, I'm just kinda curious.” Ryan nodded in his direction. “What's your body count?”

Silence. Ryan bit his lip and concentrated on his defense. 

It wasn't out of the ordinary for them to talk about sex; Chad already joked about them fucking pretty frequently. For whatever Goddamn reason. 

He'd talk vaguely sometimes about what he did with the girls he went out with. And his innuendos gave more than enough information, though Ryan wasn't really complaining. 

Even though he hadn't been on a date in a couple months, it didn't take a genius to know that Chad had game. Which only made this question more embarrassing. 

“Zero,” Ryan muttered, “I'm technically still a virgin.” Chad's fingers slipped and he groaned when Ryan did a rapid kick while his guard was down. 

“Really?” he said at length. 

“Yeah, unless locker room hand jobs count.”

Chad shook his head. “Mmh, nuh uh.” 

At this point Ryan was practiced in the art of fooling around with straight guys. He was familiar with their routine. Most of them weren't even questioning, and were often more bored than curious.

They wanted the same thing as every hormonal teenage guy, the same thing Ryan wanted. They wanted someone to touch them, to excite them more than than their right hand was capable of. Once they'd gotten it once or twice, they were ready to move on. 

Ryan hadn't expected to get lucky anytime soon, but he was still dejected about it from time to time. He wasn't bothered by it now, though it wasn't easy to talk about his guy troubles with East High's easiest lay. “Why do you look so surprised?”

“Well y'know, like.” Chad used a combo to break through Ryan's parry and tanked his health bar. “I figured someone would've wanted to fuck you by now.”

It took Ryan a few seconds to process what he'd been told. “What.” It was definitely a statement and not a question. He just hadn't really accepted it; maybe repetition would help it stick. 

Chad laughed under his breath. “Ahhh come on, nobody's come to their senses yet?” He winked at Ryan as he spoke and, upon seeing the horror on his guest's face, turned and winked with the other eye for added effect.

Ryan snorted. “Trust me, there's no one ‘coming to their senses’ anytime soon. I've never even had a boyfriend,” he said with air quotes. 

Chad frowned. “You're fucking with me.”

“I told you, I'm not fucking with anyone.” The brunette scoffed and clapped a hand over his mouth, giving Ryan the opportunity to throw him and win the round. “Besides, there's not a lot of openly gay guys looking for a date in Albuquerque.” 

The couple of hookups he had had were already aiming pretty low.

“Right, yeah, guess I forgot,” said Chad. Ryan still wasn't sure why he was expecting more from him, or why he was thinking about his sex life to begin with. 

Everyone at East High knew the situation with the athletes and cheerleaders. What the band and theater kids did was an open secret. And so was Ryan, in a way.

No one had any issues snickering behind his back about the way he dressed, but the second they were face to face it was like they'd never heard of being gay before. People were assholes. Especially here.

“I'll probably have better luck in college,” he thought out loud, “I just need to not be in Albuquerque.”

Chad still seemed bothered by the idea of not having sex until college, but he dropped the subject for the time being. 

He even let Ryan beat him again with Chun-Li before his sisters came in to bombard them with questions and markers. 

When they first started talking after the baseball game, Ryan didn't understand Chad's aversion to dancing. He winced every time someone brought up musical theater, recoiled at bright colors and sparkles unless it was Ryan's clothes. 

Gabi had mentioned that Chad's mom was super into classic theater like Brigadoon and The Music Man, but it still didn't explain his need to cleanse his life of all things camp. 

That was before he met Chad’s little sisters.

“Ryaaannnnnn!” Mia said, looking up from her mess of a coloring book. “Does Ms. Fajita let you wear tutus?” 

Ryan never helped with the younger classes at his dance school, so he didn't know they went there until one of the tap instructors said the name Danforth in passing. “No. The uniforms are pretty standard, I always wear leggings in Miss Farida's class.”

Chad, who was trying to keep Sophia's sticky hands out of his hair, snickered under his breath. “That's fucking gay,” he said.

Sophia paused her off key rendition of Summer Nights to yell and smack her brother across the head. “No cussing! I'm gonna tell mom you said the fuck word.”

“Hey, you can't say that.”

“Neither can you shithead.”

Ryan couldn't be bothered to stifle his laughter even when Chad smacked the back of his head, though it was much lighter than his sister's blows. Before she could scream and wake her mom up, Ryan said, “Hey Soph, what's that song you were singing?”

Her eyes lit up like diamonds and she brushed Chad away without so much as a second thought. “It's the one where Sandy talks about how sweet and caring and wonderful her boyfriend is,” she gushed. “Even though he's a douchebag.” 

With Sophia distracted Ryan leaned over to Chad and flicked his forehead, muttering, “your face is fucking gay.”

Chad’s sisters took dance lessons, but they weren't exactly dancers. They were enthusiastic, though, and they knew every musical they danced in by heart. 

The last game of street fighter was abandoned when Mia and Sophia took control of the TV. 

Instead, Chad and Ryan got started on making dinner —meaning Chad made spaghetti and meatballs while Ryan tried his damnedest not to burn garlic bread— so that they could all eat when Ms. Danforth woke up.

Chad had insisted that letting his friends stay for dinner was normal for him, but he hadn't mentioned having Troy over in weeks. 

Ryan never thought twice when he was passing a buttery, creamy, carb filled casserole around the table. He hadn't started to wonder until Chad drove him home in the dark one night. 

Supermassive Black Hole came on the radio, and they couldn't help but sing along. They cranked up the volume and rolled down the windows so Ryan could belt. 

Chad was grinning the whole ride home, and he let his gaze linger on Ryan until they pulled into the driveway. “You have a nice voice,” he said, eyes fixed on one of the garden fountains.

“Thanks, it's kinda useful for the whole performing thing,” Ryan said, rolling his eyes. It wasn't like he'd never heard it before. Still, every compliment Chad gave him made him blush a little.

“No, I know you're a good singer, that's not what I'm talking about.” He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. 

“I'm not following,” Ryan said. From the angle he had laying back in his seat, only the tip of Chad's nose was visible from behind his curly curtain of bangs. 

It would be so easy to kiss him then and there, to grab the collar of his letterman jacket and pull him in until he felt their breath mixing. With the right words, he might even get to try something with him in the back of that rusty pickup. 

But Chad didn't have to ask him to stay for dinner to experiment with him. Really all he had to do was ask nicely. If they were ever going to be more than friends, there had to be a reason for this. 

“Your voice,” said Chad, “Not just when you sing, I mean like the way you sound. It's pretty and colorful and stuff. I dunno, whatever.” He shut off the ignition so they could get out of the car. 

“Actually, I think I get it now, thanks. Really, that means a lot to me.” Ryan started back towards his house. 

“I think you're forgetting something, Evans,” said Chad smugly, leaning against the side of his car.

When Ryan turned around, the brunette stuck his hands in his pockets and spread his arms wide, letting Ryan hug him while nestled into his jacket. 

Ryan had let his hands linger before they let go. He wasn't going to push, but he'd stopped reminding himself that Chad was straight. And he made sure not to miss out on pasta nights. 

After dinner, Ms. Danforth lectured Chad on taking care of his sisters before she left for the night shift. “Finish off those green beans before bed, and they need to eat before dance tomorrow,” she was saying as they cleared the table. “I might have to take a double shift, I'll call and let you know. If you end up taking the girls to class they need to be there by 10:45.”

Ryan's ears perked up. “I've got class at 11:00 tomorrow too. We're rehearsing for Guys and Dolls,” he said. 

Ms. Danforth pursed her lips and tapped his cheek gently. She always looked at him like he was a wet cat someone left on their porch, but the care in her voice was still genuine. “That's nice dear. You boys should carpool.” 

Instantly, Mia and Sophia's eyes widened like saucers. “You should come with us! Ryan, Ryan, can I go to your dance class?” 

“Uh, it might be a bit too advanced. And my house is kinda out of the way, I wouldn't want to intrude,” he mumbled, scratching the back of his neck.

 There was no way Chad would pass up the opportunity to drive him to dance lessons, even with the idea of his little sisters in the backseat. He'd still get to wrap Ryan up in his jacket and squeeze him before he left. 

“Sleepover, sleepover, sleepover, sleepover!” Mia screeched, cutting off Chad's initial endorsement. Still, he was quick to respond. 

“I mean I've got spare pajamas and stuff, and it's already kinda late,” he said.

Oh God. 

Ryan could already feel his face heating up. He'd never been to a sleepover before. There had been a couple invites back before he actually came out, but he was always too nervous to follow through. He smoothed some of the wrinkles out of his khakis and took a deep breath. “No pressure, it's your call.” 

Chad rolled his eyes. “Ryan,” he said, squeezing his friend's hand. “Do you wanna stay the night with me?”

Ryan felt his chest seize, anxiety already spiking. He wasn't sure where his and Chad's relationship was at the moment. Whenever he got the chance to ask, he was scared to ruin how perfect things were. 

Still, if there was anything that would get the ball rolling, it was spending the night together. And he was feeling lucky tonight. “If you insist,” he sighed, “I'd be happy to stay.”

Ms. Danforth patted them both on the back. “Don't stay up too late. There's pancake mix in the pantry, and blueberries in the fridge.” 

She gave them a few more instructions, including where to find Band-Aids, ibuprofen, extra blankets, and the landline. Chad opened the fridge and tossed her a sandwich in a Ziploc bag. “Bye mom, love you!” He kissed her on the cheek and waved her out. 

The moment he shut the door behind her, the girls were tugging on his pant leg. “Chad Chad Chad Chad can we make brownies? Pllleeeeeeaaaaaassssseeee?” 

By the time they got his sisters to stay in bed, they were worn out. Chad sighed and sank to the floor. “Sorry, I didn't think they'd stay awake so late.” 

Ryan shrugged and came to stand beside him, holding his hands behind his back. “S'okay. I'm just glad they actually like me.” 

Sharpay was constantly bringing friends over that Ryan couldn't stand, guys who gave him standoffish glances and people who thought they were better than him without so much as a second thought. 

It made him forget they were twins sometimes, how much she babied him. The guilty look she'd shoot him made him reconsider who or what she was ashamed of. Ryan swore he'd never make anyone else feel like an obstacle the way she did. 

Chad rolled his eyes. “They're obsessed with you, there's a difference.” 

Chad, on the other hand, treated Ryan like a treasure, like a collector's item he spent years searching for. 

He never felt like a waste of space or a walking gift card when they were together. “If I didn't know any better I'd say you were jealous,” he teased.

“I can't help it if I want you all to myself,” Chad said. He wrapped his arms around Ryan's legs and tugged him down to his level. “You're all mine tonight.”

Startled by his statement, Ryan made a squeaking noise in the back of his throat. “Should I be worried?” 

Chad's eyes flashed a malicious look as he licked his lips. “What's there to worry about, you're in good hands.”

“You do have nice hands,” Ryan mused aloud, settling into the embrace.  

Instead of just flat out telling Chad that he was perfect, Ryan had taken to finding unique compliments to give him, things other people probably wouldn't point out. 

Sometimes it would make him blush or hide his face and, typically, he'd have some cute, snarky little comeback. 

Chad sighed. “Yeah, and long fingers. They're good for stuff like making lettuce wraps.”

Ryan snorted and mussed his friend's hair. This had to count as flirting somehow. He'd have to text Kelsi for confirmation later. 

If there was a chance that Chad had feelings for him, Ryan needed it to be crystal clear. He didn't want to get his hopes up too soon, but was it really too soon if Chad was joking about the size of his hands? 

“You're a good cook too, which was a nice surprise.”

“Rude,” said Chad.

“Okay listen, I figured cooking takes a lot of attention to detail. That's not exactly your strongest skill set.” He rested his head against Chad's chest.

“Actually it's a lot more guessing with spices and making shit up on the spot. Baking is harder, I suck at baking.” The brunette cradled Ryan's head to pull him closer. They stayed like that for a while, resting on the floor in the hallway, until Ryan had to disturb the peace. 

“I know, hon. That's why that brownie juice was such a Goddamn mess.” 

Clearly offended, Chad scoffed and shoved him away. “Hey, some of them stayed together pretty well.” He pushed himself to his feet, then offered Ryan a helping hand. “I saw you cut them, there were at least five.” 

“Oh of course, how could I forget,” Ryan said, rolling his eyes aggressively. 

“I bet Sophia put syrup or something in them while I wasn't looking.”

“You're right, I'm sure that's what did it.” Ryan watched the soft grin on his friend's face, fighting the urge to hold on to his hand a bit longer. 

They had moments like this a lot recently, where silence would settle before one of them could think of something to say. 

There were so many questions, he thought, so much left unsaid. And so much want in those wonderful brown eyes. 

Chad clapped him on the shoulder. “You shower first, you smell like garlic and gym shoes.” 

Ryan shoved past him and walked into Chad's bedroom.

It wasn't the first time he'd been in this room, but it was weirder at night. A large bed sat off to the left with basketball shoe designs carved into its wooden headboard. Across from it was a desk and dresser set covered in clothes, which Chad immediately started tossing things out/off of. 

It wasn't clear what was clean or dirty, but all of it was like five times Ryan's size. “I dunno if I can wear any of that,” he muttered, kicking aside a history textbook and some questionably gray socks. 

Chad grabbed several clothing items off the floor, balled them up, and tossed them into an even messier pile next to the couch. “Nonsense, I'm sure I've got some old shit that'll fit you just fine.” After a bit of digging, he emerged with a faded red jersey that clearly wouldn't fit over his shoulders anymore. “See?”

“Not really.”

Chad tossed him the shirt and returned to the drawers as Ryan held it up to himself, checking his reflection in the dresser's spotty, built-in mirror. It would definitely fit but it wasn't his color; pink brought out his natural undertones, but red just made him look flushed. “Anything else? Like, at all?”

“Nope,” Chad said, kneeling to search the bottom of his dresser. “Most of it we give away or hand down to my cousins. The rest of it will fall right… right off you… Aha!” He stood abruptly, interrupting Ryan's thoughtful observation of all the tendons in his neck. He tossed a pair of royal blue shorts over his shoulder.

“Oh come on, these are gonna clash.” Ryan studied the shorts: they were jersey knit and, despite being stretchy, they didn't look fit for the curvier parts of his body. 

Chad put his hands on his hips and gave the outfit a once over. “Dunno what that means, but that's all I got.” he said.

Ryan held his hands parallel to each other, measuring the width of the shorts, then of his hips. “And that's the only reason you gave me these?” The jock gave him a curt nod. “No ulterior motives.” 

“Oh get bent, you like them,” Chad said, his face flushed. 

“I bet you do too,” Ryan retorted. He glanced around the room. “Do I get underwear or–”

“You're not wearing my underwear, that's fruity even for you. It is not my business if you go commando.”

The setup was too good to pass on a joke. Ryan let his gaze turn smug, wetting his lips before he spoke. “But I bet you'd like that wouldn't you,” he said, voice light and sweet. 

Chad looked mortified.

“Fuck you Evans, get out of my room,” he sneered. It didn't sound mad, though, and it certainly wasn't a no.

“Do I get a towel too, or would you prefer that I air dry?”

Suddenly, Chad's expression shifted to one of deep concern. “Oh fuck, the bathroom,” he muttered. Without another word, he brushed past his guest and headed towards the bathroom.

He returned five minutes later with an armful of mostly clothes and towels. They were tossed haphazardly into the closet before Ryan could discern what the rest of it was. Chad shut the door quickly and sighed. “Okay, go ahead.”

Ryan peered around him, but Chad shifted to block his view and close the closet door. “Why– what are you–” Chad stepped into his personal space and forced him to back away. “Did you leave your fleshlight in there or–”

“Nuh-uh. Out, out, out! Now. Get moving.” Chad clicked his tongue and shooed him away until he could close the door. 

Ryan never got to find out what Chad had taken from the bathroom, but it didn't stop him from brainstorming. 

He had to admit that he was impressed by the array of products Chad used. There were separate soaps for his face, hair, and body, several conditioners, a few exfoliants, and a lineup of lotions and creams on the back of the toilet. 

A clean towel and washcloth hung on the bathroom door and a fresh loofah hung from the showerhead. It was cleaner and neater than he expected. Whatever Chad had cleared from the room must have made a difference. 

Ryan took his time washing up, humming bits of Serious from Legally Blonde as he shampooed his hair. The warm water relaxed his muscles and nerves, releasing some of the anxiety he'd been holding onto. He bent down to scrub his thighs and sighed loudly when he felt his back crack. 

When Chad had asked him to sleep over, he had envisioned watching a movie and painting nails and falling asleep in each other's arms. Like friends do. They'd already baked and sang and played video games, and they had to be up at a reasonable time tomorrow. All that was left was to get ready for bed and go to sleep. Together. 

After toweling off and getting dressed, Ryan grabbed a bottle of lotion and tried to slow his heart rate as he moisturized. He considered doing yoga while Chad was in the shower, but he figured it might make things awkward for Chad to walk in on him doing downward dog. 

Especially in these damn shorts. 

When Ryan knocked on Chad's door and poked his head in, the brunette was half naked and sprawled out on the couch, casually flipping through a magazine. The moon was visible in the open window behind him, but the room was too bright for its light to make a difference. 

If only he had turned the lights off, he'd be able to admire Chad's broad chest in the glow of the moonlight. 

Chad gave him a once over and snorted. “Cute.”

Ryan pouted. “I look like a clown and it's your fault,” he said. The jersey was somehow still too big for his frame and the arm holes were massive. 

“Everyone likes clowns,” Chad replied, stifling his laugh. 

“That must be why you're so popular.” 

“Nah, that's why Sharpay is popular.” Chad beckoned him towards the couch, making a clear effort to look him in the eyes. “I'm popular because I'm funny and athletic and everyone likes me.”

Chad was enjoying this far too much, and Ryan needed to fix that. He also needed to get Chad's eyes off of his waist, which was a problem he never thought he'd have.

“Those are basically all the requirements for being a clown. Look, you've even got the hair for it.” Ryan reached out and tweaked his nose. “Honk honk, bitch.”

Chad slapped his hand away. “You're unbearable,” he muttered, pushing himself off the couch and heading for the door.

“You're the one who invited me, hon, you brought this on yourself,” Ryan called after him. 

While Chad showered, Ryan did breathing exercises and tried to clear his mind. He poked around at various belongings, peeking at comics and flipping through baseball cards and generally steering clear of the closet despite his incessant curiosity. 

Ryan daydreamed often about spending nights with Chad, as much as he tried to push those thoughts from his mind. The idea of those close, intimate moments when they were both sleepy and settling in for the night made his stomach do somersaults. 

He didn't know what the procedure was for guy sleepovers. He'd been invited to join Sharpay and her friends when they did hair and nails and played never have I ever. Pillow fights with the girls were easy and giggly and most likely not what Chad was going for tonight. 

But he had no idea what Chad was going for, no clue what to expect. All he had to do was fall asleep, and yet he was nervous. 

What he certainly wasn't expecting was for his friend to return barely 10 minutes later with a gold satin bonnet and form fitting boxers. Ryan huffed as his eyes panned downward. 

Again, none of Chad's sex life was a secret. But it was one thing to hear rumors and another entirely to have them confirmed. “Damn, Maddie wasn't kidding,” he said under his breath. 

Chad wagged a finger at him. “Don't talk to any of my exes about my dick, I don't wanna hear it.” 

Obviously, he had no frame of reference for how many people talked about his dick. Ryan wasn't planning on ghosting half the cheer team just to quiet their stories.

After all, he was perfectly capable of talking about penises in a disinterested, heterosexual manner. He was an actor. He could put on a poker face.

“I never ask, people just talk,” he said innocently. “I was told you get custom made Tardis underwear so that they're bigger on the inside.” 

Face reddening quickly, Chad searched the floor for a pair of shorts. “Shut up man. You're just jealous.” 

“Oh I'm perfectly happy with what I'm working with. At least I don't need a clown cock to get around.” 

Ryan stifled a laugh as Chad rolled up a poster of Letty from Fast and Furious to smack him with repeatedly. 

“Quit it, I'm serious! My eyes are up here gayass.” He waved the poster menacingly until Ryan begged for mercy, still cackling. 

Once he'd decided Ryan had been thoroughly beaten within an inch of his life, Chad stood up like nothing had happened. He readjusted his bonnet, then stuck his hands in his pockets. “Okay, so… uh.” 

Ryan studied the way his friend shifted on his feet. He was getting that nervous, reserved expression that meant he was craving touch again. It used to happen every time they hung out, but they were getting better at being close with each other. 

It was sort of sweet to see Chad looking down at him like that. He was fidgeting like a middle schooler presenting his final project to the class and it made Ryan want to take care of him, to cup his cheek and pat his head and tell him how well he was doing. 

It was fucking cute. So cute he almost missed what the other boy was saying. 

“...couch doesn't pull out but it's pretty big, and I've got sleeping bags and there's a guest bedroom down the hall. But I don't mind sharing, so whatever you want is fine, really. Dealer's choice, y'know?” He cracked his knuckles, let his gaze wander, kicked at the carpet a bit. 

Ryan blinked and brought his attention back to the present. “Uhm. Sorry, what were you asking?”

“Where do you wanna sleep?”

Oh, right. They both had to sleep somewhere, and Chad was letting him decide. Judging by his demeanor, though, he had an answer in mind. 

“Well the guest bedroom sounds a little lonely,” Ryan said, getting to his feet. “I'm a pretty easy sleeper, and there's plenty of space in here.” 

Chad's eyes bugged out for a second, but he was already looking brighter. “Really?” He asked softly.

“Yeah I'm sure we can share.” He had no clue what guys usually did at sleepovers, but it didn't have to matter to them, contrary to whatever was going through Chad's head at the moment.

“But you… I mean it's not like… I dunno if…” Ryan stretched as Chad stumbled over his words. “...you're sure you're, like, okay with it? Sleeping with me, I mean?”

Honestly, he was more than happy to sleep with Chad any day of the week, sexual or not. “Duh, Kelsi and I always share my bed when she stays the night. Do you move around a lot or something?”

“No, that's not–” Chad put a hand on his elbow, something unreadable in those big brown eyes. “I just wanna make sure you're comfortable.” 

Shit. This was getting too serious. He'd made it this far without getting flustered and embarrassing himself, and he wasn't about to start now. 

Turning to recollect himself and fix his face, Ryan ran his hand along the plaid flannel comforter. “King sized?”

“Queen, actually.”

He flopped down on the bed and crossed his legs flamboyantly. “Even better~”

Grinning, Chad took a running start and tackled Ryan onto the mattress. 

“Ack! Let me go!” 

Chad blew a raspberry at him. “Never! You have to stay here forever now.” He wrapped his arms around Ryan's torso and trapped his arms against his side. 

“I knew I should have been worried, I dunno where your hands have been,” Ryan said, grunting. Chad's biceps tightened around him.

“Motherfucker, I just got out of the shower.”

As awkward as the position was, Ryan gave himself a moment to enjoy being pinned to the bed. Then he licked Chad's arm. 

“Ew! Come on, man!” Chad yelped, wiping himself off on Ryan's shirt.

“I thought you said you were clean?”

“Yeah, I was! Now I'm all covered in Ryan germs. Thanks a lot.”

They wrestled and fought until Ryan eventually conceded. He knew he had the lower body strength to make Chad tap out, but he sure as hell wasn't going to try it. Not tonight, at least.

Chad let his nose graze Ryan's shoulder as they settled down. “Really, though,” he murmured, making the hair on the back of his neck stand up. “Thank you.”

What on Earth was he thanking him for? Ryan made sure his voice was steady before speaking. “Aww, you're so welcome. You get to be the first guy to sleep with me, you should be honored.” 

“And.” Chad hesitated. “And you're okay with that?”

Ryan paused. Was that what Chad had been worried about? That he'd ruin Ryan for some other guy? With a sleepover? “Right, yeah.”

More tense silence. “You sure?” Chad asked.

Ryan shifted to get a better look at that hopeful little glint in his friend's smile. “I should be so lucky,” he sighed. 

Chad brought their hands together on the comforter and gave him a gentle squeeze. Then he got up to turn the lights out. “You need extra blankets or anything?”

“No, I'm plenty warm already,” Ryan muttered, getting himself situated under the covers. 

“Is there anything you gotta do before you fall asleep?” Chad asked, fiddling with his alarm clock. “Music, yoga, a glass of milk?” He smacked the side of it, then shook it furiously before setting it back down. 

“Do you have any almond milk?” Ryan said coolly, deciding not to ask about the alarm. He was an early riser anyways. 

Chad wrinkled his nose. “How the hell would you milk an almond?” 

“Nevermind, I forgot who I was talking to.” Ryan buried his laugh in the silk pillowcases. He felt the mattress sink next to him.

“What side of the bed do you sleep on?” This time it was Ryan who gave him the confused look.

“Uhhh, neither? I usually sleep alone.” 

If it were up to him, he'd sleep on whatever side came with a shirtless Chad Danforth. That usually wasn't an option, though.

“You don't have a preference or anything?” Ryan shook his head and gave him a questioning look. “I dunno,” Chad said. “I thought this would be more difficult cause I couldn't, like, have the maids fluff your pillows or anything.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Please. I'm not that high maintenance. Shut up and go to sleep.”

Chad gave him a skeptical smirk, which Ryan pinched him for. Then he tucked his legs under the comforter and brought his arms behind his head. “You comfy?” He asked, looking up at the ceiling and adjusting his bonnet. 

“Mmhmm, g'night,” Ryan murmured lightly. He leaned into the touch when the older boy carded a hand through his hair, and he found himself missing the sensation minutes later.

Tonight wouldn't be the first time he fell asleep counting the steady beats of Chad Danforth's heart. It was just like whenever they fell asleep on the couch during a long movie. 

He took note of the way Chad's breathing slowed when he was this mellow. His lung capacity was impressive given how often he smoked. Most athletes were used to keeping their breathing under control, but still. 

Ryan had joked about it before: he had the makings of a good singer if only he'd be willing to try. 

Despite his exhaustion, he was still tossing and turning some time later, trying not to fantasize about hearing Chad sing. 

When he rolled over he saw that the time on the clock read 1:20. Ryan groaned. “Are you still up?” he whispered breathlessly. 

Chad had been still the entire time, but eventually Ryan felt him sigh. “Yeah.”

“Can't sleep?”

“Nope, dunno why.”

It was too late at night for coherent thoughts, and Ryan’s head was still fuzzy when he scooted to lay closer to Chad. “You think cuddling would help?” he wondered aloud. 

“Mmh.” Chad stiffened. “Whatever you want...” He shifted his hips a bit, but made no real effort to let them touch. 

Ryan couldn't help but be disheartened. He was trying not to think about it, trying to shake off the hurt, but it still dealt a blow to his ego in a strange way. 

Just an hour ago they'd been play-fighting on the floor until he was dizzy from the tingle of skin on skin. Now, for whatever reason, Chad wouldn't touch him. 

Squeezing his eyes shut, Ryan pictured the way his friend held him when they hugged, the way he folded so neatly into the other boy's arms, how safe he felt cradled by a warm jacket and those gentle hands in the small of his back.

He moved his legs to try to get some form of contact, but stopped when he heard Chad wince. “You okay?”

After a moment a monotone, “uh huh,” was his only reply. And he was lying. It was almost insulting. 

“What's wrong?”

“Just tired,” Chad hummed. 

Ryan waited a few minutes to give him the benefit of the doubt, but his curiosity got the better of him. 

He turned over to look at Chad, who was still resting on his back with his hands behind his head. It was too dark to tell if his eyes were closed. His boxers rode up on one side, revealing the subtle divot of his hips. A few small tufts of hair stuck out of the edge of his bonnet.

Ryan reached out to tuck his curls back in. This time, he actually saw Chad flinch at his touch.

“Hey, what's going on?” he whispered. 

“Nothing, don’t worry about it.” Chad threw an arm over his eyes and scooted even further away, to Ryan's dismay. 

“It doesn't seem like nothing, though,” he said, raising his head against the pillow he was hugging. “Is there something you're worried about?” 

“No, that's not…” Chad trailed off when his voice broke. “No, I-I'm sorry.”

Ryan's heart skipped a beat suddenly, breath catching in his throat. 

The last thing he wanted was for Chad to think that he'd done anything wrong that night. Because that was further from the truth than he would ever realize. He sat up and rubbed his eyes.

“I'm sorry, Evans, I didn't mean to–”

“Don't apologize,” Ryan said firmly. He felt around in the dark until he found Chad's hand next to his. He rubbed soothing circles across Chad's knuckles. “It's okay, honey. Just breathe.”

Eventually the brunette's staggered breathing calmed to a heavy huff, still shaking but under control. 

Ryan laced their fingers together and guided their hands towards Chad's chest, laying the boy's wrist gently against his heart. 

Even through their hands he could feel the heavy thud of Chad's heartbeat. He thought through some of his yoga exercises and decided that square breathing might help calm his friend down. “Just breathe with me, I've got you.”

He let his stomach and chest rise and fall as he focused. Closing his eyes, Ryan mouthed the numbers the way his instructor had taught him to in seventh grade. 

“Inhale, two,  three, four. Hold, two, three, four. Exhale, two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four.”

They let the minutes go past until their steady breathing fell perfectly in sync. Ryan laid his head against Chad's shoulder, waiting as he tensed up and then let himself relax again.

“Okay,” Chad said after a minute. He cleared his throat. “Fuck, sorry. I dunno what that was.”

“You just had a little anxiety attack,” said Ryan quickly. It wasn't that hard to tell, he'd had his fair share of panic attacks over cute boys and opening nights and such. He knew the routine.

“Yeah, I guess I did. That doesn't usually happen to me,” Chad mumbled. 

“It's okay, it happens to everyone at least once.” When Chad laid a hand on his back to hold him closer, Ryan noticed that the other boy was still shaking slightly. 

“I guess I just got really worked up over nothing, then, huh?” said Chad with a giggle. He sounded like he'd already recovered. 

But he was still off his game, and Ryan had to know why. 

“It's not nothing if you're still worried about it. What's on your mind?” 

Chad shook his head. “I'm just being dumb, seriously. Go back to sleep.” 

 “I wasn't sleeping, Chad.” Ryan said. When he got no reply, he pushed further. “You know I'm not gonna judge you, I don't care how dumb you think it is.” He pressed his forehead into the divot between Chad's shoulder and collarbone. “Please talk to me, hon. I just wanna help.”

Chad made a strangled noise in his throat, almost like a whimper, letting Ryan breathe in the vibrations of his voice. “Can you… can you say that again?” 

Silence. Ryan thought back over his words. “I wanna help you,” he murmured. This time he could feel Chad's head bob. 

“No, before that.”

“...talk to me? Please?” 

“Nnnnh,” he whined, breath hitching.

Ryan’s brow furrowed, though he made no effort to look up at his friend. The moonlight wasn't enough for them to see each other clearly. “I'm sorry, honey, I dunno–”

“There.” Chad squeezed his eyes shut and began to count his breath the way Ryan had showed him a few minutes ago. “I like hearing you call me honey,” he sighed. 

And just like that, Ryan was at a loss for words. Just when he thought he knew what was what, Chad managed to pull the rug out from under him and leave him speechless.

He hadn't even noticed himself using the pet name with him. Sure he'd shorten it occasionally for a sassy remark but he hadn't meant to use it repeatedly. Especially not like this. Not with him.

He almost wanted to apologize but Chad didn't want him to. His words echoed loudly in Ryan's head. 

I like hearing you call me honey.  

Was it the word itself? The affection in his tone, the way it rolled off his tongue so languidly? Or was it the sound of Ryan's voice, and the fact that he was the one saying it? 

His head spun from the mental gymnastics of coming up with a response. But even now, he was unsure of what to say.

“I'm sorry, is that too weird? I swear I'm not trying to push you.” 

“No, I know.” Ryan squeezed his hand. “It's cute that you noticed, I didn't even catch myself doing it.” 

He'd been thinking about pet names for a while now, but he had no intention of ever bringing it up. He must have let it happen subconsciously. Usually things were easy like that with Chad, easy for them to fall in step with one another. 

“You keep asking if things are weird,” Ryan started, “and they never are. What counts as weird?” 

He'd been waiting for something like this to happen, but he had nothing to preface it with and no clue what to expect. He kept reminding himself not to rush, not to push their relationship too far. 

Somewhere along the way he'd stopped paying attention to how far they'd actually come. 

“Well, y'know, like…” Chad shifted to lay on his side and face him fully. From this angle, his irises twinkled in the moonlight and captured Ryan's attention. “Stuff that we do that other guys don't do together. Stuff that's just for you and me.”

Ryan hummed to himself. So much of his life was made up of things that were just for the two of them. Things like drinking hot chocolate on the couch while laying each other's arms, or blasting the radio at night because their favorite song came on, or hiding out in the courtyard during lunch just to be alone together.

“There's a lot of stuff we do that other guys don't,” Ryan said, feeling himself blush. 

Chad wet his lips before speaking, the moon lighting up his lashes and the stray tears that clung to them delicately. “Evans, are we… are we just guys? Or is there something I’m missing here?” 

Heart hammering in his ears, Ryan could barely hold his concentration long enough to think. 

This wasn't the school courtyard, or the back of Chad's truck, or even the living room couch. They were in bed together, and the room quickly became small and suffocating, apprehension hanging low in the air. 

He tried deflecting some of the attention away so that Chad wouldn't notice he was holding his breath. “Pretty sure I'm a guy last time I checked. What about you, any changes?” 

Chad snorted and shoved at Ryan until he was facing away again. “Shut up,” he murmured. Then he wrapped his arms around Ryan's waist and drew him closer, curling in around his frame. “You know what I mean,” he said slowly. “You've never slept with a guy before.”

“Mmh,” Ryan hummed in confirmation. 

“And you've never had a boyfriend either.” 

“Mmhmm.”

“I've never been with another guy before. But I haven't been with anyone since last summer.” 

Ryan swallowed hard. “What about Maddie?” he asked even though he knew the answer already.

“That was one time, movie theater handjobs don't count.” Chad grumbled. “And now I-I-I spend most of my time with you because you're one of my best friends, but w-we keep–” His explanation stopped short. He gave a small squeeze before reaching up to run his fingers through soft, blonde hair. “We keep doing this,” he whispered in Ryan's ear. 

Chad was so close to a confession, just inches away from saying what he really meant. But he kept stopping short of the truth and it was driving them both insane. “And now you smell like me,” he added. 

“Yeah cause I showered with your soap,” Ryan laughed nervously. 

Chad tugged at the smaller hairs at the base of his head. The unease in the other boy's voice was evident as the words continued to tumble out of his mouth. 

“Yeah, except usually you smell like- like salt and candy and weird, fruity hand lotion, and I'm used to that. But now you smell like me a-a-a-and you're wearing my old jersey and you're in my bed and I just… I don't know what to think anymore.” 

Ryan's heart ached more than ever before. All this time he'd kept his thoughts to himself and waited patiently for a sign, something to confirm that Chad felt the same way. 

Maybe he'd been trying so hard to stand on his own that he forgot this whole thing was a two way street. 

He hugged Chad's arms tighter around him, pressing their bare skin together and feeling it stick like perfect puzzle pieces. “For what it's worth,” he sighed, “I've had a thing for you since like freshman year.” 

“Mmmh~”

“I've liked you for a while now, I just never thought I'd have a chance. You're pretty and popular and perfect and soooo far out of my league. A-And I thought you were straight.”

“Yeah, well. So did I. Maybe we were both wrong.” The brunette let one hand fall to caress Ryan's cheek with the pad of his thumb. 

Leaning into his touch was so different now that Ryan knew how he really felt. 

“And I'm not perfect. I've fucked up a lot of relationships, I can hardly ever commit past a month or two.” 

Ryan had a feeling he knew why Chad was struggling with committing to just one option, whoever he was spending the night with. But now he knew how Chad felt, and that was more than he ever thought he'd have. 

“Does it look like I care?” he huffed. “I've spent the better part of half a year with you already. In every way that matters to me, you're perfect.”

Hands still in Ryan's hair, Chad bent to graze his lips against Ryan's shoulder, setting his skin ablaze all over again. “Thanks,” he said. “Really, you have no idea how much that means to me.” 

“Well,” said Ryan. He pulled Chad's hand to his lips and pressed a few kisses across his long, slender fingers. “I think I have some idea.” He giggled as the warm air of Chad's yawns tickled the back of his neck.

“Could we talk about it in the morning, maybe?”

Ryan sighed blissfully. Tonight hadn't gone the way he planned it, but that was okay. And maybe he'd gotten lucky after all. “Of course, honey, take your time. I'm ready when you are.”