Work Text:
- ⛓️ -
Kurapika woke up with a shock. He had slept on the chair of his desk again. He scratched his eyes, stretching his muscles like a cat and letting out a lazy yawn. For the first time in a week (or maybe a month), he took the trouble to look around his apartment. There was a zone; papers were thrown from every corner, packages of industrialized foods on the sofa and on the table, and some cups and cups of days that he did not remember well having used on top of a piece of furniture that he used to store documents and weapons. The smell was not of the best and, when he noticed himself, neither. It must have been a few days since he was not leaving the same position as he was now and, looking at the old wooden shelf, he remembered why.
The eyes of the Kurta people looked back at him, as if they were alive, as if they could judge him for having fled from the same fate. He realized that he hadn’t said a word since he had put them in there and, just to be on the safe side, he did some voice tests to make sure he could still speak. He overcame the need to look at them again, because he knew that he would spend more hours than he could lose doing so, then he stood up and went through piles of dirt to the window. He opened it, feeling the icy wind bring the familiar pollution of the city to him, and leaned down to grab a cigarette in his pocket. He had only recently become accustomed to smoking, and knew exactly what some would say if this information were leaked. He protected the lighter with one hand while he lit it, the currents that he knew were there making a noise that could only be heard inside his head.
He swallowed once, twice, then set himself to observe the landscape. From there, it was possible to see the hospital in which Leorio had commented being doing an internship. That was about six months. Maybe he could pay a visit, just to clear his head. Nonsense, he thought. They hadn’t spoken for half a year, he shouldn’t have appeared in this way, indifferent. But in Kurapika’s imagination, there was no other way to appear. And he knew that Leorio would not care a bit, considering that he was too busy with all his tests and medical stuff.
He crossed the garbage again until he managed to reach his cell phone on the center table. Had very little battery, but considered giving time to make a call. There were millions of messages from his fellow workers, from Gon, from Killua and from Leorio himself. Very old but he had not seen any. Felt the guilt occur again but hid it in the back of his stomach when dialing the friend’s number.
He didn’t need to call more than three times until he answered.
- is as they say, who is alive always appears - the ghost of a smile passed through Kurapika’s face. He turned to the window, quickly swallowing his cigarette before answering.
- Leorio, how are you?
- I’m great. I should be the one to ask you this. Where have you ever seen disappear for six months like that? I thought you died and your body was dumped in some ditch - the blond knew it was a joke but, for an instant, the idea occurred to him and a shiver ran through his whole body.
- is, at last - what he was about to say got stuck in his throat, but Leorio waited patiently while footsteps were being made on his side of the line. - I wanted to visit. Maybe we could have a coffee sometime?
- Sunshine, what happened? - oh, he’s a doctor, I’d forgotten. Leorio had this superhuman ability to know what people were feeling or thinking, even if it was only by voice passed through electronics. - if you need me to pick you up somewhere, just tell me I’ll go.
- don’t worry, I’m home - he let the smoke come out of his lips and watched it bleed into the air - and I’m fine, it’s nothing.
- I don’t trust you.
- nothing out of the ordinary - Kurapika was bad at jokes, and obviously Leorio didn’t laugh. An uncomfortable silence took the phone, and both could hear the nervous breathing of the older - tomorrow is free?
- I’ll pick you up at 8:00. I won’t wait until tomorrow. - Kurapika nodded, and when he remembered that he could not see, he muttered in consent. - try not to die until then.
- I’ll do my best. - Kurapika hung up first. He turned his attention to his cigarette almost at the end and, when he was tired, watched it fall to the ground about 20 meters from his window.
- ⛓️ -
Just before 8:00 p.m., Kurapika was almost ready to leave, but he wasn’t faster than the man who was knocking at his door. He had taken a bath that should have lasted longer than he expected and dressed one of the three hundred matching suits that were still properly hanging in his wardrobe, but the house continued in the same way. Leorio had to hit again until the blond reached the entrance. He spent more time than expected unlocking all the latches and opened, finding the friend with arms crossed and frown, almost as if he was angry; but of course he wasn’t. He hesitated for a moment, and Kurapika realized that she was considering whether to give him a hug, a handshake or a hello would be enough. Did none of them at the end.
- I was almost leaving - grumbled the man, putting his glasses on his face and the blonde gave him space to pass.
- don’t fix the mess. I walked a little...
- Kurapika - he cut it, stopping far enough from the door to close it.
- don’t stick to it. Besides, I spend very little time at home.
- you don’t take vacations, do you? - Leorio raised an eyebrow as he watched him walk through pizza boxes to a mirror.
- I’m on vacation.
- which means you will spend more time here. It’s worse than a teenager’s room - Kurapika made an ugly face for him while he was putting his earrings in his ears.
- if you’re so worried, clean up for me - Leorio grunted, giving a casual look to the mess.
- who knows I do that. Hey, is that bacon in your window? - he pointed to the plate - are you feeding crows too?
Kurapika ignored him, making her way to open the door and waited for the higher one to come out to lock. Leorio’s car, the same one he remembered from the last time he had been with him, was parked across the street in front of a clearly forbidden establishment. A tummy man whom Kurapika did not remember having seen before screamed at them for a moment and, after the two of them came in and Leorio apologized a thousand times, the car went a gentle roll and followed its way down the dark street.
Kurapika’s mind could not stop thinking of the thousand and one possibilities of disasters that could happen if something or someone was after him at that moment, but silence during the journey, just with a country music on the radio and a low hum from the driver made the trip a little more interesting. She felt her eyes weigh and seemed to doze off from one moment to the next.
When the car stopped, your vision took a while to get back into focus, lights and music coming from the establishment on your right hitting you directly. He frowned when Leorio, who seconds before was next to him in the seat, appeared opening his car door and lowering his face to look at him.
- sorry to wake you but we arrived. - he reached out his hand for a brief moment, but the blond must have made a confused expression, as he straightened and took his hands into his pocket. Kurapika got out of the car and closed the door behind him, looking at the place in front of him. A medium ballad, from which came absurdly loud music, people in piles and excessively bright lights. He frowned at the sight of women upstairs, almost rubbing his face against the window to wave at them.
- here? - Leorio followed his gaze, taking out of his mouth a cigarette that Kurapika had not even seen him take and throwing it on the ground.
- what? No. Here. - he pointed to the opposite establishment, a completely opposite facade of the previous one, with only a yellowish light that indicated it was open.
Leorio went ahead, letting the friend pass when he opened the door, and Kurapika observed the place. It was a simple but neat restaurant. There were very few people, mostly couples or lonely people on black rectangular tables, same palette of almost all the decoration. Further ahead, a small counter that looked out onto the bar with only one man too drunk to be able to hold conversation with the skinny bartender. Leorio exchanged a few words with the waiter standing next to them and he took them to a table, a little away from all the others, but close enough to the bar.
Kurapika knew that because of the hunter’s license, they had free access to several places with more credibility than that, but was grateful for the care that Leorio had decided, Since it was clear that the blonde could be going through problems with people who would certainly track him in a more frequented place. The friend talked a little with the waiter, apparently about some expensive drink he should be waiting for, and both ordered their dishes. The silence that formed while the older one was analyzing his friend with critical eyes made the collar of Kurapika’s jacket seem more present, pinching his neck.
- well, tell me - he said as he crossed his arms, sounding like a father questioning a son about why his grades had fallen. Well, that’s what Kurapika assumed. He hadn’t had his father long enough to get through the experience.
- tell what? There’s nothing going on. - Leorio made a gesture with his hand, dismissing it.
- don’t think I will believe it when you call me after six months without using the phone. You seem to have lost about 5 kilos since the last time we met. And you are very pale. Have you been eating right?
- sometimes I remember how unbearable it is that you are a doctor. - Leorio pretended not to listen and continued his sermon.
- you’re still too young to have so many dark circles. It seems like you haven’t slept in weeks - well, that wasn’t exactly true. There were times when, yes, Kurapika could sleep, but it didn’t last long until the nightmares started and he couldn’t close his eyes all night.
- I’m fine - the lie came out so naturally from his mouth that he was almost surprised. Leorio was going to say something else when the waiter arrived, bringing two glasses and a bottle of a drink that Kurapika had never seen. - you are driving.
- has no alcohol - the friend replied, thanking the waiter with a smile and swinging the rosé liquid inside his glass before taking a sip. Kurapika imitated him, feeling the cold liquid turn his mouth yellow. It tasted like gasoline and creamchesse. - I would even tell you what the name of the drink is but I doubt that it has enough repertoire to understand the subject.
- tell me please, so I can avoid buying it - the older one made a face, giving another sip. - and stop treating me like a child. We are two years apart.
- being the oldest always meant being responsible for you. That’s why I’m here.
- to remind me that you are the oldest? - Kurapika tried the drink again. The taste seemed to have become a little more bearable.
- because I’m worried. - the blond risked to look at him, but the pen in his eyes was unbearable to face. - Kurapika, this search of yours...
- I finished. I managed to get all the eyes back - he interrupted it, without looking at it. Leorio hesitated before continuing.
- Does that mean it’s over? Are you fulfilled now? - didn’t seem to be your intention but the words sounded a little harsh. He knew why. Shrugged lightly. Leorio let out a heavy sigh and rubbed two fingers on his temples. - and what will he do now?
- live like a normal person - Kurapika straightened and looked at him - work excessively in a job I hate until having a burnout and maybe die sinking in debts of a rent I didn’t pay.
- you would never fail to pay a rent - the blonde let out a concordance noise. - but I’m serious: if you need anything, that I can do for you, please look me up. - the blond one nodded, blinking slowly.
He wouldn’t. He certainly wouldn’t.
- Oh, you can’t even lie - he moistened his lip.
- just don’t want to involve you in this.
- look, I don’t want to pressure you at anything Sunshine, but I want even less that you disappear again. Please just let me be present at this moment. - Kurapika had completely lost the words, so he just nodded.
Their dishes arrived and after that, all the subject they had was futile and trivial. It was 10 pm when Kurapika was left in front of his apartment, saying goodbye to Leorio with a discreet nod. He went up quickly and closed the door behind him with a snap. He staggered into his room, the only room unaffected by the mess of the main room, and took off each piece of clothing as if they weighed tons rather than grams. He put on a pajamas that he found in the dark of the room and lay down, his arm covering his eyes. He was tired, so he slept quickly. That night he dreamed of the spiders and their clan, and from among the dead pile he saw Gon, Killua, and Leorio.
- ⛓️ -
It had been a week since I last spoke with Leorio. Kurapika realized this when she caught herself looking at the hospital from the window again, just like last time, the cigarette almost in between her fingers. He considered sending a message, or maybe call, but hesitated while looking at the number on the phone screen. It must have been a few minutes, until the notification sound pulled him out of his trance. It was from Leorio.
: is at home?
And then:
: I’m coming.
Kurapika took a moment to process, staring at the message with frown. Decided not to answer, since he knew that the friend would do what he wanted regardless of what he said. It took just under twenty minutes for me to start knocking on the door. The blonde threw out his cigarette and answered, finding a Leorio in his doctor’s uniform with some bags on his arms and slightly messy hair, besides the classic briefcase that never separated from him.
- sorry to come so suddenly. And dressed like this. I went to the market direct from work and brought some vegetables. I’m cooking today. Can I use your bathroom?
It was too much information. Kurapika took the bags out of his hands when he reached for them and pointed to a corridor leading to the bathroom. Leorio frowned at the mess now worse than before in the main room, but said nothing as he went to the bathroom. The blond freed some space on the kitchen counter and peeked in the bags. There were some vegetables, fresh salmon and, in another bag, ice cream pots. He picked them up and put them in the freezer at the ideal time for Leorio to leave the bathroom, now with a regular long-sleeved shirt, from which he rolled up as he walked towards him.
- I don’t think I can handle this mess alone. Can I call a cleaning lady, right? - Leorio looked inside the bags he had brought and returned to his friend. - What do you think of cutting the vegetables while I prepare the rice? Do you have a pot for that?
- got - he pointed to a closet, and the friend went there. - for a cleaning lady? I can handle my mess. Besides being risky for someone to know where I live.
- well, if you really did - he said, ignoring totally the second point raised by Kurapika -, you wouldn’t be living so normally inside this dump. I don’t know how you can sleep in here.
- I can’t - it was such an automatic response that he and Leorio stared at each other for a moment.
- right. - he went back to the room and, halfway down the road, shouted for Kurapika to follow him.
He freed up space on the couch by throwing packages on the floor and sat down, the blonde taking his place. Opened the suitcase and started a series of questions and boring checks, measuring pressure, listening to the beat, consulting throat, ear and eyes looking for some asymptomatic disease. Finally, he asked Kurapika to roll up the sleeves of the social. He did so, leaving the sleeve in the middle of his forearm, and Leorio held his fist. His fingers were cold.
- excuse me - he asked as he pulled his sleeve even further, almost to reach his shoulder, and pressed his fingers delicately at specific points. Kurapika felt a shiver run through him as he checked his forearm, sliding his thumb several times to make sure there were no scars. He took the risk to look at his friend. Leorio looked so professional that he almost smiled. He would be a great doctor. Finally, he turned the sleeves of social where they were before and sighed. - you are dehydrated and anemic. Lucky to have a doctor friend And cook. - he got up, returning to the kitchen to start dinner. - come and take care of the vegetables for me, otherwise we will eat tomorrow.
- if I help, it will be almost the same thing - Kurapika joined him to wash his hands in the sink - I’m not good with knives.
- to cook, you mean - the blond shrugged, pretending innocence. - I don’t know how you survive alone.
- technically you know. - he pointed to the mess in the room with his head and Leorio grunted in response.
They spent a good two hours preparing dinner, one more for the time Leorio wasted teaching Kurapika to cut vegetables and season salmon. In the end, they ate their dishes in silence, Leorio sometimes scolding his friend for leaving some vegetables not tasty aside, and released the couch to eat their ice cream while watching a very boring reality show that pulled sincere laughter from Leorio, for some reason that Kurapika did not understand.
They ended the night with the blond sitting on the counter, a glass half full - or half empty - of whiskey while watching Leorio wash the dishes - of which, it is recorded, he had offered to wash. He told something about his internship at the hospital that Kurapika struggled to pay attention, but the eyes betrayed him every time the look was focused on the friend’s back. He must have flipped over because when he opened his eyes again, Leorio had finished the dishes and had his hand gently resting on his back.
- I didn’t want to wake you, but I’m leaving. Someone needs to disable those traps - Kurapika took a while to understand that he was talking about the security locks on his door.
He got up, forgetting all the rules of cordiality that his mother should have taught you at some point in his childhood, and began to unlock the door. Before Leorio left the floor, he went out into the hall and said, low, but his voice echoed throughout the place.
- will you go back? - Leorio looked over his shoulder, giving a gentle smile.
- if this was an invitation - Kurapika tried to smile, but doubted success. I didn’t know how to do it anymore. - good night Sunshine.
- good evening.
That night, the nightmares took longer to appear.
- ⛓️ -
Kurapika’s vacation had ended faster than he expected. Two weeks finally did not seem enough to cool his head and, after a day full of complaints in his ear, felt his whole body react to stress. As soon as you stopped at the door of your apartment, you felt that something was different. He materialized the chains in his hands before entering, in attack position but, upon lighting the light, found only a perfectly organized apartment and shopping bags on the coffee table.
He looked at the ticket next to the bags and a smile almost crossed his face as he read.
"I said I would handle it if you didn’t do anything. Because of the hunter’s license, the doorman allowed me to use the spare key. I left food in the fridge, and don’t forget to drink water!
Leorio :D"
Kurapika thought he should challenge the doorman for giving the key so easily to his friend. He took a walk around the apartment, which seemed to have become new in front of the previous mess. The smell was of soft cleaning products and all the garbage and mess had disappeared. All the dishes were washed, all the rooms were tidy and there was not a single gram of dust on the furniture. Kurapika felt deeply guilty for this. Leorio must have had a huge job to do all that, and he had no idea how to repay. Decided to call, then, as soon as he finished taking a shower and dressed in warm clothes. He drove to the couch, with some food pots that he had found in the fridge with colored post-its indicating what they were composed of, and a jug of water that he would not drink a fifth. The friend answered shortly after.
- then you remembered the existence of the cell phone? - was the first thing that I said. Kurapika was chewing a spoonful of warm rice, so it took him long to answer - heaven, are you really eating? I should record this moment, where for the first time in your life you heard my advice?
- don’t make me regret calling - Leorio laughed on the other side of the line.
- all right. Say what you have to say.
- you shouldn’t... - he cut himself. I knew that wasn’t what I was supposed to say. - Thank you. But you didn’t have to worry about me.
- I’ll pretend you never said the last part. - a door noise was heard on the other side and some voices almost overpowered Leorio. - I left some medicines at the head of his bed, with the right times. Skip some of them and I swear that I make you swallow them by force.
- do you treat your children like that too? - he refers to the children of his internship.
- none of my children are as stubborn as you. - a silence settled down while Kurapika played with the cutlery in her hands - you went back to work today right? Was everything all right?
- nothing I’m not used to dealing with - it wasn’t exactly an answer, but by Leorio’s sigh, he knew it was all he could get.
- I’ll let you rest. Good night Kurapika.
- good evening Leorio.
- ⛓️ -
Every night after the internship seemed endless to Leorio. Not that he complained of being with the children, of doing his job and being in action. This made him feel useful, helping people. As if he was following his purpose. But being happy did not prevent him from getting tired too.
That night, he didn’t even bother to cook a dinner. Anyone who saw from the outside would call him a hypocrite, since he was the greatest hater of industrialized foods, with the justification that they were not 'real food'. Because, they weren’t really. He would accept to be judged for drinking too much, and maybe smoking a little more than casual, but never to eat so much crap. However, there were special days that needed a consolation, and those were the days when he surrendered to the classic macarons with cheese of the city and the beer of the cheapest brand that he could get. And this night was one of those days.
His members were all aching in sync when he sat down on the old couch of his apartment to enjoy dinner while watching his usual reality show. It was past 1am, a loud rain fell outside and his mind processed all the problems that eating such foods would bring to your digestive system at that time, but it did not take long because the doorbell sounded.
Because of the time, Leorio was a little scared, but did not hesitate to go and answer. If it was a neighbor in need of help or the passing boys in town coming to pay a visit...
He was genuinely surprised to see Kurapika there. It had been a few weeks since they had seen each other. He was wearing his usual suit and the shoulders were down, as well as the face directed downwards. His hair was wet, and he dripped water on his carpet. He opened his mouth to speak, but before it formed anything, the blond man raised his face. His expression was pure pain, and at the same time they expressed absolutely nothing. His eyes were red but dim.
- Kura... - the blond surprised him by wrapping his arms around his waist, sealing their bodies as one. Kurapika had grown relatively since the Hunter exam, and Leorio had to raise his face so that his forehead would not collide with his chin. The surprise of the action made the highest realize that, in fact, Kurapika had never embraced him; or perhaps, he had not embraced any of them. Not knowing well how to react, and feeling the friend’s wet clothes cold against his belly, he let his hands fall on his shoulders. - what happened?
Kurapika just shook her head back and forth, squeezing him even more. Leorio tried to walk a little backwards, in order to close the door, and as he did so, his friend’s voice sounded muffled against his chest.
- don’t ask anything. just be here.
- I am.
To not make them move too much, Leorio leaned his back against the wall and slipped until he was sitting. Kurapika was still firmly clinging to his waist, now resting his head on his lap, as he emitted what appeared to be a whimper. The older one let his hands gently caress the back of the friend while the other stroked the damp hair. Kurapika nested even closer to him, a sign that the older one thought was a kind of consent to continue.
Leorio observed the untouched pasta and beer resting on the center table, the TV still broadcasting the sound of commercials before the start of the program, which was almost muffled by the rain outside, just like it only thickened. Kurapika got up at least half an hour later, sitting facing him. Leorio had forgotten all the pain he felt until that moment, when he raised a hand to raise his friend’s face and remove the hair from his eyes. Still, he didn’t look at it.
- I won’t ask. I promise you I won’t. - he nodded, finally staring at him. Leorio stood up, stretching his body, and offered a hand to Kurapika - now I need dry clothes and you, a bath. I’ll get us something to eat.
- I should go. - Leorio made a face.
- you’re not going anywhere. - he crossed his arms, which meant that he was thinking something - stay here at least this week, so I can keep an eye on you.
- I can’t. It’s dangerous.
- I don’t care - Kurapika frowned. - look at your state. Let’s chase me then, but you won’t leave this apartment.
- I have to work tomorrow - but Leorio was already denying with his head.
- don’t worry about it. I’m a doctor, remember?
- in training.
- still. Let me talk to your superiors. I say you got an infectious disease or something.
- Isn’t this against his code of ethics? - he was trying to be cool, but Leorio wouldn’t fall for it.
- not when a patient of mine is really sick, but does not take it. Look, who is so bad, you are good to discuss. - Kurapika sighed. - I’m sorry. Just don’t worry about it. Will you take a shower or will I have to drag you there?
- you’re almost worse than a father. - Leorio shrugged.
- I will not contradict you. I never met mine.
- ⛓️ -
Kurapika felt he had been in the shower for too long, but it was almost impossible to get out of the hot water when he knew what was waiting outside: a comfort and care that he didn’t feel able to bear. To deserve. He dried himself with the borrowed towel and put on clothes too wide for him at an excessively slow speed. Felt his whole body exhausted, even knowing that it was not, in any way, physical. He could not draw strength even to dry his hair, which dripped the way he walked to the room, where Leorio spoke on the phone. Just caught a part of the conversation, as she crawled to the counter to sit down.
- yes, that’s right. I’m his doctor, I know what I’m talking about. It’s very serious, your lady runs the risk of... - he snapped his tongue - this. As soon as he gets better, he will come back. Within a week, the symptoms are likely to go away. Yes, all right. Thank you very much. Have a great week. - he hung up, turning his attention to the blonde. - well, you have a week off.
- should thank you or kill you? - Leorio grunted, ignoring him, and went to the kitchen.
- may not be the most appropriate but, in its current state, I thought that devouring a pile of waffles would be more interesting than macaroni and cheese. - he walked through the room with two plates of literally piles of waffles, and had to make two more trips to take the accompaniments, supporting everything on his center table. - come eat, come.
Kurapika hesitated before getting up, trying to follow a straight line to the couch, and failing almost at the last moment, falling on his knees on the carpet between the table and the couch. Leorio ran to lift him, supporting him in the seat.
- man, you’re pale.
- maybe I didn’t eat anything today - your voice came out weaker than expected. Leorio seemed to alternate between anger and concern and left the room again, returning with a glass of water, a pack of medicines and a natural sandwich wrapped in plastic. He offered to the friend, who turned his face.
- you have to eat... - he denied, and Leorio sighed - at least drink some water.
Kurapika took the glass, giving two painful sips, and handed it back to her friend. Leorio left everything on the table, staring at all the food he had brought, and sighed.
- Fine. No waffles then. But the sandwich will be here if you want it. - the blond nodded, watching with guilt the friend take all the sweets from the table again, just stopping to taste one of the waffles without accompaniments. When he came back, he peered for a moment into the room, went into the room and returned with a hair dryer in his hands, which he leaned on the sofa. He moved the coffee table closer to the TV and set some pillows on the floor, indicating that Kurapika should sit. He felt so tired that he did not argue. A blanket was put on his shoulders before Leorio sat down on the couch just behind him and handed the remote in his hand. - you can choose what you want.
But it didn’t make any difference watching something different from the reality that was going on. Leorio did not ask permission when he turned on the dryer in the hot and began blowing over Kurapika’s hair. Nor when his fingers began to navigate through his head, making the blonde feel shivers. He did not ask because he did not need. Somehow that was allowed to him. Somehow Leorio knew it was. Just as he knew about going into his apartment to clean. Or caressing her back while she was crying. With Leorio, things always seemed different.
When Kurapika’s hair was dry enough to taste Leorio, he turned off the appliance and you could hear that the rain had stopped too. If he was more conscious, maybe he would have asked his friend why he had turned on a hair dryer around three in the morning, but he was very focused on clinging to that moment, that comfort that his hands moving in her hair brought. In the meantime, too, the blond had eaten the sandwich three miserable times, but by the happy expression of his host, it had been enough.
- okay, how about you sleep a little now? It seems like you haven’t had a good night’s sleep in months. - that was for sure true.
- all right. - Leorio rushed to get up before him, going towards the room, and coming back a few moments later.
- I left a clean pillow for you. And covered. Don’t worry about tomorrow, I’ll leave a coffee ready and come back before lunch time.
- I can sleep in the room.
- yes, you can - but Leorio was already setting himself up on the mobile.
- is not fair - but Leorio didn’t quite understand what he meant. It was not fair that he was so good if Kurapika could not reciprocate in the same way. But the genuine smile on his friend’s face made a whirlwind of emotions pass through the stomach of the blonde - perhaps one of them was hunger.
- Go to sleep, Kurta. Tomorrow we will solve the ethical concepts about our agreement.
And he was.
That night, Kurapika dreamed of his clan. And he dreamt that Leorio had died with them.
- ⛓️ -
The next morning was noticed by Kurapika only because of the sun coming in from the windows in Leorio’s room. He stretched himself, as usual still feeling the usual tiredness, and stood up. The apartment, as expected, was empty, but there was coffee and tea on the table, next to fresh breads and side dishes, and also a note begging the blond to eat at least some fruit. Kurapika opted for a cup of coffee while watching the newspaper abandoned on top of the counter. When Leorio returned, punctually at lunchtime, Kurapika was in the window with a cigarette in hand.
- Heavens, when I think it can’t get worse, you surprise me.
From there, Leorio took the cigarette out of his hands, throwing it out the window, and forced him to help him with lunch. They ate while Leorio told something about their day, watched a movie together and went to bed as early as they could. The next day promised the same schedule but, in the middle of the night, Leorio noticed the presence of Kurapika in the room, standing in front of the sofa with a pillow in his arms, his eyes glowing red like sapphires.
- Kurapika? What acon... - he couldn’t finish. Kurapika was on top of him, squeezing his throat before he said anything. He tried to let go, but his fingers were steady, and his expression was moved by pure hatred.
- you won’t run away - your voice was distant, and the eyes weren’t exactly focused on him.
The grip became stronger and Leorio felt his consciousness almost lost. He clenched his friend’s fists, trying to push him away, and with the lack of clean methods, gave him an elbow in the cheek. The grip loosened as his eyes softened and he blinked quickly. When he realized what he was doing, he pulled away his hands, frightened, observing the worried expression that Leorio was giving.
- I... excuse me. - Her eyes were filled with tears. The moonlight coming from the window made her angelic traces innocent. Leorio imagined - something ironic to think seconds after being asphyxiated - that he looked like a fallen angel: adorable, but torn apart. The tears fell on Leorio’s face like little icy pearls. Kurapika leaned her head against her chest, sobbing - I’m sorry. Heavens, I... - Leorio’s arms pulled him closer in a clumsy embrace, and Kurapika snapped her face around his neck, returning the favor between one hiccup and another.
- it’s all right - your voice came out a little hoarse. - they’re gone. I’m here now.
That night must have been the beginning of something. After her, they began to sleep together in Leorio’s bed big enough, their backs, hands or foreheads touching each other so that Kurapika would not have the chance to feel alone. It’s not as if the nightmares have stopped because of that, but the quality of your sleep has been relatively better. Now, when he woke up in the middle of the night, Leorio pulled him closer, nested him on his chest and stroked his hair until he fell asleep again. That, because he could. For some reason, he could.
On the nights he was on duty, Kurapika felt incredibly empty and helpless. In those nights, he could not even close his eyes. He had to wait until dawn, when Leorio joined him in bed and hugged him against himself, as if he could protect him from all that threatened him since the beginning of his life. He couldn’t, but the feeling calmed all of Kurapika’s nerves.
- ⛓️ -
On a special day, Leorio returned home early. He had passed at the pharmacy to buy some vitamins for Kurapika and a candy from the bakery in front of the hospital that he had loved the last time the brown had brought. It was the last day of vacation given to him, but Leorio was considering calling Melody and ask for more time, even if only one more week. As a doctor, he believed that a few meetings during the week would be enough to calm Kurapika’s troubled mind, at least in the evening. As a friend - or something like that -, he had no idea what his life would be like if he could not lie in bed with the blond beside him.
Leorio no longer knew how to exist without the presence of Kurapika in his troubled routine.
He unlocked the door in a bit of a hurry, his heart beating a little faster, something that happened often in the last few weeks, and entered the quiet apartment. Too quiet.
- Kurapika?
His voice echoed through the house. He left the bags on the counter and found a letter with his name. No. No, no.
He did a quick search all over the house, looking for his friend in every room, even knowing that he wouldn’t find him there. Finally, he took the letter addressed to him and sat down on the couch to read.
"Leorio,
It pains me to leave you this letter instead of saying goodbye to you properly. All the rest of character I thought I could contain became nothing from the moment I wrote your name in this letter.
It turns out I’m running away; again. Much of my life I did that. Did while chasing the spiders, because it was easier to escape from the guilt while occupying the mind in a way of killing them. Ran away from the idea of clinging to you when we met at the Hunter exam. Ran away from the guilt of not being there when it happened. Not having died with my clan.
The eyes are with me but things aren’t over yet. They’re dead but ironically, I am too. Thought that after all this, I would finally find peace. I would finally have a chance to be happy again. My nonsense. I feel like it’s wrong to be happy. Like it’s wrong to be fine when they weren’t. It seems wrong until you smile.
In the Hunter exam, you, Gon and Killua made me feel in a way I didn’t remember feeling before. They gave me something I never really deserved to have: a new family. People to trust, care about and love. And get all that back. And in this time I’ve been with you, it almost made me believe that I was able to feel it again. That I deserved this peace, a happy ending, and that underneath all the hatred I have cultivated for my whole life, I might be able to feel something else, a beautiful thing. But I was not made for this. It is not fair that I mess up your life like this, not after all that happened. I would not forgive myself.
So I leave you this letter. As the last farewell that you will hear from me. I will not bother you anymore.
Leorio, you were amazing. Thank you for loving me - and I’m sorry it wasn’t enough. Please don’t look for me. I couldn’t keep that promise if it was facing me.
With love,
Kurapika".
Leorio didn’t realize he was crying until a tear fell on the back of his hand. He folded the letter, fingers shaking, and wiped the corner of his eye. He took the medicine from the bag and stared at the candy in the other. She walked to the room, throwing her medicine in a drawer, and sat on the bed, taking the pillow to her face. She smelled it.
Leorio would have to relearn how to live without Kurapika; again.
- ⛓️ -