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Rough days turn into sweet nights at motels like this. Dozens of other storm chasers–all faced with the same disappointment of a bust of a storm–crowd into a shitty gravel parking lot under the Oklahoma sky. The scent of a charcoal grill, the sound of fireworks, the cold beer in Javi’s hand, it all blends into a cocktail of delicious nostalgia. Dani’d tease him if they knew what he was thinking, but currently their fire is focused on Tyler.
“How cheap are we?” she’s saying, a grin on her face softening the words. “I think we can afford to go to a liquor store ourselves. Have some pride man.”
Tyler leans back further in his lawn chair (Javi sort of hopes he tips over backwards), grinning. “Hey, if an autograph gets us some beers, what am I gonna do, refuse it?”
“Nope,” Javi raises his own beer in a toast at the same time as Lily exclaims “ Yes!”
Tyler’s gaze drags over to Javi, cocky smirk softening ever so slightly. “See? Javi agrees.”
Javi shakes his head. “Stop leaning. Gonna fall.”
“I’m not,” Tyler protests.
Lily clears her throat pointedly. “Hey, if you two ever want to stop flirting, Kate left for water like, five minutes ago? Someone want to check on her?”
Tyler glances at Javi, his face dusted pink at Lily’s teasing but his eyes flitting back and forth nervously. “You should–”
Javi’s already standing, placing one hand on Tyler’s shoulder as he passes him. “Let’s go.”
And they do, Tyler standing with no further protest (other than a light groan and a comment about the shitty quality of his chair) and following Javi towards the door.
They’re quiet as they step inside the motel, heavy summer air exchanged for cool AC and a dry unplaceable smell. Tyler knocks on the door, Javi twisting his hands together as they wait.
Kate answers the door after a long moment, one of Tyler’s flannels thrown over her tank top, eyes puffy. She looks–Javi shouldn’t be thinking about–not now.
“Hey,” she says, drawing her eyebrows together in confusion. Her voice squeaks a bit in the middle of the word, but she seems not to notice it, leaning casually against the door frame.
“Yo,” Javi rocks back onto his heels.
Fuck, he’s bad at this, Addy was always the one dealt with all the emotional shit.
“Are you…” Tyler trails off, pursing his lips, squinting, and apparently he’s just as bad.
Kate pushes her bangs out of her face, her expression tightening. “What?”
“Are you–are you good?” Javi asks, finally. “You left a while–I mean, you seemed a little… off. We just, you okay? Not to be we–”
Something in Kate breaks, and she opens the door, turning before they can see her expression. “Just–yeah?”
She sits, looking down at her hands, her face drawn tight, and doesn’t protest as Tyler and Javi sit down on the other bed, across from her. The mattress groans in protest at the sudden weight, their shoulders bumping against each other with the movement.
“Hey,” Tyler’s voice is soft, his accent heavy in the vowels of the word. “Wh–what happened?”
Kate’s jaw twitches. “Just–bad day,” she shrugs, the words tight, like she has to push them from her mouth.
“Kate,” Javi starts, then realizes he isn’t sure he has anything to say. Fuck, he’s bad at this.
The woman across from them inhales sharply, suddenly, as if a hand had reached down her throat, pulled the air from her lungs, made her fight to take it back.
“Sorry,” she whispers, the hand that isn’t gripping her thigh shaking at her side. “I just–” now she looks up, finally, and Javi can see that her eyes are hollow, staring deep into him, or maybe past him or– “I don’t know what it was but I get–these sort of–episodes, I guess.”
Oh.
Oh, well that’s–it fucking sucks, but Javi can do that. This is something he can deal with.
“Panic attack?” he asks, casually, as if it’s something far less, something easier.
“Yeah,” she nods, face breaking once more, a tear running down her cheek. “Yeah, I don’t–” she laughs a bit, wiping her nose, “stupid, I don’t even know why.”
Javi nods. “Yeah, yeah, you usually don’t, huh?”
Her gaze snaps to alertness, something sharp there, as if excited. “You?”
Javi offers a light chuckle. “Ever since–yeah. Yeah, I do.”
“Got ‘em as a kid,” Tyler offers, breaking his silence. “Still do, sometimes.”
“Do–how do I stop it?” Kate’s face is a picture of determination now, reminiscent of the kid Javi knew in undergrad, as if once she set her mind to something it would simply happen, because she would make it happen.
“Sapulpa,” Tyler sighs. “Not quite that easy.”
Kate’s hand starts shaking again. “I want–I want to fix it.”
I want to fix myself , Javi hears.
He wants to tell her that she’s not broken, that she’s perfect , always has been. But that isn’t what she needs to hear. Never has been, not really.
“Therapy helps,” Tyler says.
Kate’s eyes switch to Javi, and he tilts his head in agreement. “It does.”
“You–you did therapy?” she asks.
He cringes. She’s too familiar with his bury-your-feelings-then-bury-the-shovel attitude. “Wasn’t exactly entirely my choice. After I was discharged, they–I was strongly encouraged to do it.”
“Why?” Kate’s face is strong, stoic, but a small twitch of her bottom lip gives away her nerves.
“Ah,” Javi rubs his hands together, his legs throbbing suddenly, from the top of his quads to his toes. “That’s a little dark.”
“We can take dark, Storm Par,” Tyler tosses an arm around him, warm and heavy and real in a way that makes Javi feel inexplicably present.
Javi doesn’t think he can. “I don’t–”
Kate’s jaw juts out stubbornly, and shit, Javi’s not getting away with this is he?
“You want dark?” she asks, her frown angry, bitter.
“Kate,” Tyler starts.
“No,” Kate’s voice comes out harsh, the words spilling through her teeth, sharpened by her tongue, cutting . “Javi, I’ve almost died twice , I almost–fuck, a week ago, I went into that storm, thinking I wouldn’t come out, and you–and you’re talking about something being too dark?”
Javi’s angry. He’s angry because if he isn’t he has to face the absolute sorrow of her words, and–no. “You–” his voice is slow, at first. “You didn’t think you’d come–and you were fine with that? Kate, that’s–that’s fucked. That’s really fucked.”
It’s hypocritical. He doesn’t care.
“Javi,” Tyler warns.
“No–no! You don’t get to–Kate, you don’t get to do that. You have people who need–we need you, Kate. I can’t–no one else–fuck.” His voice breaks, the finger that he’s been pointing at her faltering, falling to his lap.
Tyler’s arm tightens around his shoulders.
Kate’s crying now, really and truly.
Javi thinks it might be his fault.
“The people,” Kate says, pathetically, like she doesn’t even mean it.
“You’re people,” Javi returns, and now he’s crying too.
“I had to–” her eyes shift to Tyler, and she pauses.
“I’ll give you two a minute,” the other man offers, standing. “Let the others know that y'all are alright.”
Javi misses his weight immediately.
“Come back,” Kate tells him. “After. You have to come back.”
Tyler blinks, as if he’s surprised. “Yeah. Yeah, alright, city girl.”
As the door closes behind him, Kate gets up, moving to sit next to Javi, on his right, where Tyler wasn’t. She’s limping slightly, favoring her left leg, where Javi knows she has a scar.
“I had to make it up to them,” she says after a moment, as if all the fight, all the anger, has drained out of her, leaving just a shell of the Kate that he loves.
Javi lets out a choked sound.
“I shouldn’t be here,” she says, her head dropping to rest on Javi’s shoulder. He can smell the faint scent of Tyler on her flannel. “I have to make use of it.”
His heart seems to burn in his chest. “I know how you feel.”
“You don’t–”
“Kate,” he says sharply, in a way that makes her eyes go round, pulling away to look at him. “Right. I’m gonna–don’t be weird.”
“D–” her voice goes silent as Javi strips off his jeans, leaving only a pair of blue checkered boxers. “What?”
“Just. Give me a second, yeah?” Javi’s palms are sweaty, his heart beating faster than it should as he messes with the fabric of his underwear, pausing before he gingerly pulls the hem of the right leg upwards, revealing a silvery scar, a perfectly straight line stretching upwards.
Kate’s breath catches in her throat.
“I didn’t–” he starts before she can say anything, before she can pity him. “I thought that if they were gone, I shouldn’t be around either.” He lets out a choked noise, something in between a laugh and a sob. “Me instead of–of Addy? Praveen? Jeb? Nah, someone fucked up.”
“Javi.”
“No, I know, okay? I know, and I–I knew as soon as I woke up in the hospital. Don’t even know if I meant it when I did it,” he admits, although the scar speaks differently. “My point–my point, Kate, is you’d never say that shit about me. That I didn’t deserve to be here. So–so don’t be saying it about yourself, huh? Don’t even think it.”
Kate’s lips are pressed together firmly, blanched with the pressure. “I should’ve answered the phone,” she says finally, voice cracking on the last word.
Javi–he can’t deny it. “And I should’ve visited before I needed your brain,” he says instead.
Her smile is broken, but it’s there, and it’s for him, and that’s all that matters.
“Hey, c’mere,” he offers, holding his arms out to her.
Kate collapses into the hug, hands gripping his shirt, clawing into his back, as if she can’t get close enough. Her hair smells lightly of citrus, sweet and clean as it tickles his nose. “You tell me, okay, when you need me? Fuck, if you want me even, Kate, I’m here.”
The words are muffled into her hair, and her sob is muffled in his shirt, but the emotion, the meaning is all there.
“Fuck, ‘m getting your shirt all snotty, huh?” Kate says when she finally pulls away, her voice raw but–but.
“Nah,” Javi grins.
“Hey, I–” Kate’s face twists. “I missed you, y’know?”
It’s a simple confession.
It hits Javi in the chest all the same, right in the middle where he holds Addy, Jeb, and Praveen.
“I know,” he nods, a stray tear dripping down his nose. “Fuck, ‘m being so damn emotional.”
Kate grins, leaning into him. “Wanna see something?”
“What?”
Kate stands up, unbuttoning her shorts.
“Woah there,” Javi shields his eyes.
“Oh, fuck off,” Kate giggles. “Look.”
She gestures to her leg, a red, ropy scar tearing across the pale skin, a path of destruction worse than any tornado could leave.
Javi’s fingers itch, a part of him wanting to reach out, run his hands over the marred skin. He doesn’t.
Kate’s lips lilt into a sad smile as she looks down at it before she flops back onto the bed next to Javi. “Some days I hate it,” she admits, reaching a hand out to grab Javi’s. “Reminds me of everything I’ve lost.” Now she sets his hand on her scar, and in turn lays her fingers delicately on his. “But sometimes it makes me think of everything that I have.”
Javi trails his fingertips down the tangled flesh. “Can I say something awful?”
Kate smiles as she looks at him. “Always.”
He exhales, bracing himself. “Sometimes, after everything, I felt so–so fucking lonely, and nobody knew. It was all–all in here, yaknow?” He taps his chest as he says the words. “Part of me–shit, I don’t know.”
“What?”
“Felt like it wasn’t real, I guess. If it was all inside, I was just making it up, but if there was something on the outside, it was… it was proof,” he admits.
Her hand squeezes his thigh comfortingly.
“Now–I dunno, now that I have the–physical proof, I guess? I realize how dumb it is, but–grief makes you do weird things, huh?”
“Yeah,” Kate nods, and something inside him knows she understands. “Yeah, it does.”
“I–” Javi starts, interrupted by a knock at the door. As if driven by the same force, their hands lift, resting back on their own thighs.
“Just me,” Tyler’s voice assures them.
“Yeah, come in,” Kate says, her fingers toying with the fabric of her shirt.
There’s the sound of a key rattling in the lock, then the door creaks open, Tyler stepping through, holding up three beers with a tentative smile.
Javi can’t help but to smile back.
“How we doin’” Tyler drawls, sitting across from them.
“Better,” Kate nods.
Tyler nods, humming for a moment before he looks down with a raised eyebrow. “Should I take my pants off too?”
He doesn’t mention the scars.
“Shirt, I think,” Kate says, nodding seriously.
“Mmm, yeah, I’ll second that,” Javi nods, whooping as Tyler shrugs, obliging.
“Oh yeah,” Kate nods, dramatically biting her lip. Tyler plays into it, flexing his abs (this does not have any effect on Javi whatsoever, none at all).
The other man laughs, eyes sparkling with the sentiment. “Shall I crack ‘em?” he asks after a moment, gesturing to the bottles next to him.
Javi glances to Kate, who nods.
Tyler’s eyes crinkle as he smiles, using his belt buckle to open the bottles. “Y’all alright?”
“We will be,” Kate says, looking at Javi with something akin to understanding in her eyes.
“Well, you’ve always got me, ya know” Tyler offers, casual as ever except for the way his eyebrows draw together, imbuing some sort of meaning into the words, one that Javi doesn’t dare interpret.
“I do know,” Kate smiles, small and sweet.
They look at Javi now, expectation in their eyes, one he’s all too happy to fulfill.
“I know,” he lifts his hands in surrender. “Got each other now, right?”
It’s careful, measured, and yet a pang of nerves strikes through his heart at the sentiment behind the words.
Tyler grins, something wild behind his teeth as he hands them each a beer, lifting his own bottle to clink the glasses together. “To us?”
“To us,” Kate’s arm brushes his as she raises her glass.
Somewhere, deep in Javi’s heart, he knows something, something he can’t put words to, something strong yet gentle, growing and twisting around him and Kate and Tyler.
He knows it in the way that one knows how to breathe, how to drink, as if it’s simply been there all along.
The words will come later, he decides.
For now, there are only two that matter.
“To us,” he says finally.
Tyler smiles.
Kate leans in closer.
Javi knows .