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It was when Naruto came back to their little campfire smelling like blood that Kakashi knew for sure. There were a million other signs, all of which Kakashi tried to ignore, but he couldn’t be in denial forever. He couldn’t keep pretending like he didn’t know exactly what Naruto had just done.
Kakashi poked at the fire with a long, thin stick. They’d need more logs soon.
Naruto sighed, settling back into his sleeping bag. Kakashi watched his jerky movements, followed the way Naruto was careful not to twist his arms too much, or put too much strain on them. He saw Naruto flinch, and that was the final straw. He couldn’t, wouldn’t keep quiet about this anymore. At the end of the day, it was for Naruto’s benefit.
“Naruto.” Kakashi said, pulling his eyes away from him. “Sit with me.”
He’d said it like an order, and before he knew it, Naruto was by his side. They both sat on the log Kakashi had cut down earlier, while Naruto was away on a bathroom break. He realized now that that’s what Naruto had been doing just moments ago, as well.
Naruto cradled his arms on his lap, forearms up. Kakashi sighed, preparing himself for the difficult conversation that was to come. He was thankful that Sakura was already asleep and wouldn’t be listening in on it.
He poked at the fire, trying to figure out how to word it. “It doesn’t take a half hour to use the bathroom.” He settled on, then saw Naruto freeze beside him.
“You’re… right, Sensei,” Naruto said carefully, “I was… practicing my rasengan! Y’know, just trying to make it perfect, so I can– we can bring Sasuke home.”
It was a shitty lie and they both knew it. But they were having this conversation, no matter how badly Naruto didn’t want to.
Kakashi set the fire stick down and turned to Naruto, pulling one leg out so he could face him. “Let me see your arms.”
Naruto’s eyes widened with panic. He pulled his arms to his chest, then quickly lowered them, as if he knew it would give him away. “Why?” Naruto asked, a shaky smile on his face. He wasn’t as subtle as he thought he was.
Kakashi took a deep breath. He wasn’t ready for this at all. “I need to make sure you’re alright.” He said, leveling his gaze with Naruto’s. “Take off your jacket.”
“But I’m fine.” Naruto said, his voice slightly trembling. “There’s nothing– I mean, I didn’t– I’m okay. There’s nothing to worry about.”
Despite his words, the scent of fresh blood was still present. Kakashi knew that all of Naruto’s movements had opened his wounds, if his sense of smell was anything to go by. But Naruto had to cooperate, or nothing would be done.
After a moment’s hesitation, Kakashi spoke. “I know, Naruto.” He said, reaching behind him and for his weapons pouch, then pulling out his miniscule first aid kit. He set it down in front of him, then watched Naruto’s eyes widen. “I know what you did, and we need to stop the bleeding.”
Naruto stared down at the first aid kit, then at his still-covered arms. “How did you know?” He asked, his voice cracking. His lower lip trembled and his hands shook. “I was so careful.”
Kakashi wouldn’t tell him how he knew. He wouldn’t tell him that it was because he’d done the same thing at his age, that he still did it when shit got bad. He wouldn’t tell him that it started after Obito had died and he realized that he loved him, and gotten worse after Rin had died at his hand.
He wouldn’t tell Naruto that he’d almost bled out on his bathroom floor after Minato and Kushina died, and if not for Gai, he’d be dead. Naruto wasn’t ready to hear all of that, and Kakashi wasn’t ready to tell it. He didn’t think he ever would be.
“I could smell the blood on you.” Kakashi said, the truth, but not the whole truth. He didn’t say that he had been in a similar situation, and still remembered how Kushina had bandaged his arms while Minato held him. He wouldn’t think about that, not now. Not when it would only make him spiral.
Naruto was quiet, gently picking at the cuffs of his jacket. Naruto slipped his thumb underneath it, and when he pulled it out, it came back red. He grimaced. “It’s all sticky in my sleeve.” Naruto mumbled, and Kakashi knew exactly what that felt like. He knew that the blood was coagulating, and when Naruto would pull it off, so would the half-dried blood. Then the bleeding would continue, and they’d have to stop it all over again.
But that didn’t matter. Naruto needed first aid, and he should get it now before he started to bleed through his sleeves.
“Take off your jacket.” Kakashi said, more gently this time. Naruto worked his jaw, debating whether or not he really wanted to show him, before deciding.
Naruto turned his arms so they were facing upright, then started to pull at the sleeve so his arm would unstick. He did it to both arms, then went for the zipper. He pulled it down and slid it off his shoulders, shivering at the light breeze that passed through. Naruto held onto the cuffs of his jacket and pulled, revealing his forearms.
Kakashi looked at them with grim acceptance. He didn’t want to believe that Naruto had started doing this, but when the evidence was staring him in the face like this, it was hard to ignore. He saw the cuts, some long and some short, covering both arms. They were bleeding sluggishly, crimson blood beading on the surface.
Suddenly, a drop of blood grew too large and sped down his arm, but Naruto was quick to catch it with his opposite thumb. He wiped it toward the cut it came from, then brought it to his mouth and licked it away. Naruto then froze, probably embarrassed, but Kakashi couldn’t blame him. He would’ve done the same thing.
Kakashi took note of the small tufts of fuzz that had stuck to Naruto’s arms from the inside of his sweatshirt. He’d have to wipe those away, too.
Naruto still sat frozen in front of him, forearms presented to him. Kakashi then noted that he probably should be bandaging him, so he sprung into action, reaching for a cloth within his kit.
Kakashi pressed a strip of gauze onto each of Naruto’s arms, trying to stop the bleeding. Naruto sat still, unable to do anything.
“Sakura could heal me.” Naruto said, and Kakashi felt his arms tense. “She’d probably do it so I wouldn’t even need a bandage.”
Kakashi hummed, then lifted the gauze. When the bleeding continued, he reapplied it and continued applying pressure. “Do you want to tell her?”
Naruto’s arms stayed tense, and then bit by bit relaxed. “No.” He said simply, keeping it at that. Kakashi understood more than Naruto would ever know.
When the bleeding stopped, Kakashi pulled out a damp cloth and began wiping the dried blood and fuzz away. Naruto winced, but sat still.
Kakashi kept up his ministrations, and quickly finished bandaging his arms. He wrapped Naruto’s arms with self-adhesive tape, just so there was no chance it would fall off. Kakashi watched Naruto pull on his jacket, hiding the evidence of what he’d done.
He threw the cloths and used gauze into the fire. No one had to know what happened outside the two of them, not if Kakashi could help it. If Naruto wanted to confess this to someone, that was his decision. It might not be in Naruto’s best interest, but Kakashi wouldn’t tell anyone about this. In Naruto’s shoes, he wouldn’t want anyone to know either.
Everyone who knew about Kakashi’s self harm was dead. Even Gai, who’d been around for the worst of it, thought he’d stopped.
Heh. If only he knew. If only anyone knew.
“You shouldn’t hurt yourself,” Kakashi said after a long silence. He knew his words were hypocritical, that he should be having this conversation with himself. But this wasn’t about him, this was about Naruto, who had white scars underneath all the red. This was about the fact that Naruto had been doing this for a long time, and that it wasn’t new. It wasn’t just a heat-of-the-moment decision, one that he wasn’t prepared for the consequences of. Naruto knew what he was getting into, because this wasn’t a one-off situation. This was a relapse. “You shouldn’t be doing this.”
Naruto huffed. “Believe me, I know.” He said darkly, “I know. And I… I can’t seem to stop.”
Kakashi looked into the fire. Of his three genin that he’d had, so long ago, he’d thought he was most like Sasuke. A prodigy, arrogant, and self-assured. But now, after many years and this one blinding incident, he knew that he was just like Naruto. Confident, strong, but most notably, as self-destructive as they come.
Naruto tore himself down, and Kakashi had done the same so many times before. They were more alike than either of them knew.
Kakashi understood not being able to stop. He often thought that life was just the distance between one relapse to the next, inevitable in every way. He’d thought for the longest time that it was just him, but maybe it was Naruto, too.
He didn’t know how to respond, so he moved on. “How long have you been doing this?” He asked, even though he didn’t want to know. But he had to know, because he wanted to be aware of whether or not it was too late for Naruto to stop. Deep down, though, he already knew.
“It started after Sasuke left,” Naruto said, figuring he had nothing left to lose, “But it got really bad when I left to train with Jiraiya.”
Years, then. It was far too late, and there was nothing Kakashi could do to change that.
“Did he know?” Kakashi asked, unable to contain his curiosity. He had to be careful, though, he didn’t want Naruto to get too close to the truth about him.
Naruto sighed. “Yeah.” He said, crossing his arms so there was pressure on them. “He caught me a few times. He tried to get me to stop, but…”
“But he couldn’t.” Kakashi finished for him. Naruto nodded.
“Yeah.” Naruto agreed, “I knew I kept disappointing him, but I couldn’t help it. It just felt so good. It feels so good. And I know I should want to stop, but I don’t. I just want to get worse and worse and I don’t really know why, but I can’t help it. It makes me feel alive and in control. Because Sasuke won’t come back unless I force him to, and I can’t control him, but I can control this. This, I can have. This is mine.”
Kakashi reached for the fire stick and gripped it as hard as he could.
“I can’t stop you.” Kakashi said, eyes trained on the fire. Naruto’s head whipped toward him, but he couldn’t think about that right now. He couldn’t think about how awful this was that Naruto was going through this, and there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn’t stop Naruto unless he wanted to be stopped. “I can’t do anything to stop you. It has to be your choice. You have to want to get better, and I can’t make that decision for you. It has to be you to make the jump. You have to be the one who wants to stop.”
Naruto went absolutely silent, and Kakashi couldn’t do anything about that. He didn’t know what was going on in Naruto’s mind, but he could guess. It wasn’t that hard to figure out.
“I don’t want to stop.” Naruto finally said, eyes focused on the light from the dying fire. They were filled with grim determination, and Kakashi knew that there was nothing he could do.
“Come to me for first aid,” Kakashi said, earning a surprised look from his student, “It’ll stay between us.”
Naruto blinked at him. “Okay. Thanks.”
Kakashi sighed, then turned back to the fire. There was nothing left to do or say, nothing to fix either of them. There was nothing he could do.