Work Text:
*****
The setting: It’s a nice evening at Berkeley square. The sun is going down, painting the sky in nice colours of red and yellow, even some violet here and there. An angel and a demon are holding hands. Somewhere 2 nightingales are singing, and the demon leans in for a kiss.
Aziraphale: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
Crowley: Why not?
Aziraphale: I just don’t think you should.
Crowley: You don’t want me to?
Aziraphale: Oh, I want you to. I want you to, very much.
Crowley: Then why not?
Aziraphale: Because… Because, you know how holy water will kill you?
Crowley: Yeah, what’s your point?
Aziraphale: Point is. I’m an angel. I’m holy.
Crowley: Hmmm? We’ve been holding hands for ages, centuries and I’m still here.
Aziraphale: You don’t exchange saliva when you’re holding hands.
Crowley: You mean, when kissing you, it might…
Aziraphale: I don’t know, but yes, I suppose it could kill you.
Crowley: That sucks.
Aziraphale: Yes, that might kill you as well.
*****
Aziraphale: This is quite a problem, I might say.
Crowley: Yes, it is. Jesus Christ!
Jesus: You called me?
Crowley: Whot?
Aziraphale: Ah Jesus. How nice of you to pass by. Maybe you can answer this question: If an angel and a demon would kiss. Would that lead to the destruction of that demon?
Crowley: Do you really need to call it destruction?
Jesus: I don’t know. I don’t think that’s one of God’s major questions. Why don’t you try it?
Crowley: Hmpf.
Aziraphale: I don’t want to kill Crowley.
Jesus: Fair enough. What about killing another demon?
Michael: Are we going to kill a demon?
Aziraphale: Where did you come from?
Michael: Heaven of course. Keep up, Aziraphale. Which demon are we going to kill?
Uriel: More important; how will the killing be done?
Saraquel: And who will have the honour?
Aziraphale: I am not going to kill anyone!
Jesus: I’m not sure if there will be any killing done today. The question is: if an angel would kiss a demon, would that action lead to the destruction of that demon.
Crowley: Please don’t call it destruction!
Muriel: I volunteer!
Michael: Volunteer for what?
Muriel: For kissing the demon Crowley.
Crowley: You’re not going to kiss me! I won’t allow you anywhere near my lips!
*****
Jesus: Just a thought, maybe Gabriel and Beelzebub know the answer to this question?
Summons them.
Gabriel & Beelzebub: Uh?
Jesus: Gabriel, Beelzebub, hello. May I ask you a question? Do you kiss?
Gabriel: Why would I sully the temple of my celestial body?
Jesus: Sully? We’re talking about a kiss here. Anyway, we’d like to know if an angel and a demon kiss, would that lead to the destruction of that demon?
Gabriel: Kiss. Gross.
Beelzebub: I second that my love.
Michael: Me too… without the love.
Muriel: I don’t!
Beelzebub: It is a question without answer. Maybe my demons know?
Uriel: I doubt that very much.
Other demons are summoned.
Shax: Why are we here?
Furfur: I was in the middle of something important.
Dagon: (chuckles) That would be a first.
Jesus: We’d like to know if an angel and a demon kiss, would that lead to the destruction of that demon?
Shax: Have you tried it yet?
Aziraphale: I am not going kiss Crowley!
All eyes on Aziraphale.
Aziraphale: It might kill him.
*****
Shax: Eric! Try Eric. He’s disposable.
Crowley: I’m not going to let Aziraphale kiss some demon!
Aziraphale: Crowley, my dear, it might be the best way to find out.
Eric: Why am I here?
Aziraphale: Demon. Eric. I will have to kiss you, but I’m not sure if you’ll survive this.
Eric: It’s okay, I’m disposable.
Crowley: Aziraphale!
Kiss
Aziraphale: Hmmm.
Crowley: What’s that sound? Does that mean he likes kissing Eric?
Aziraphale: Hmmm.
Shax: Eric, you should open your mouth more.
Gabriel: Grosssss.
Dagon: Use more tongue.
Muriel: That seems fun.
Michael: I think I’m going blind.
Furfur: That’s not how it’s done! Move! I’ll show you how it’s done.
Furfur moves Eric out of the way and grabs Aziraphale.
Kiss.
Crowley: Furfur! What are you doing!
Aziraphale: Hmmm. Ooohh.
Furfur: And that, demons and angels, is how it’s done!
Saraquel: You’re still alive.
Uriel: Such a disappointment.
Michael: MURIEL! What do you think you’re doing!
Aziraphale: Hmmm.
Muriel: Why should only the demons have all the fun?
Crowley: Jesus Christ! Is everyone going to kiss Aziraphale but me?
Jesus: Ah, it’s my turn? Good.
Aziraphale: Hmmm.
Crowley: Hissss. Okay, okay, I think it’s confirmed by now. Demons and angels can kiss. Would you all stop kissing Aziraphale and just LEAVE!
Aziraphale: Hmmm.
Crowley: MURIEL!
*****
Uriel: Michael? Shall we leave?
Michael: Let’s get out of here.
Saraquel: Such a waste of our time.
Muriel: Can I stay?
Saraquel, Uriel, Michael and Crowley: NO!
Gabriel and Beelzebub: leave without saying anything
Furfur: If you need more kissing lessons, you know where to find me.
Shax: I could use some private lessons.
Furfur: I’m sure you could. Purr
Shax: Purr
Dagon: vomiting noises
*****
Crowley: That was a mood killer.
Aziraphale: Yes, it rather was.
Jesus: You got your answer though.
Crowley: What are you still doing here?
Jesus: All right, all right, I’ll leave.... Jesus… Oh that’s me 😅
*****
Aziraphale: You know, with everyone gone, it is a rather beautiful evening.
Crowley: ngk
Aziraphale: Would you still like to kiss me?
Crowley: You sure you want me to kiss you? After the gangbang you got.
Aziraphale: THAT, my dear, wasn’t a gangbang. If you want, I’ll explain it to you one day.
Crowley: ngk
Aziraphale: Kiss?
Crowley: Finally.
Kiss