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It was a quiet summer night in Mitakihara city.
A pleasant breeze blew along the streets, fast enough to refresh and relax any suffering office-worker who walked through them at these times, yet not fast enough to annoy any light sleepers. The city was quiet at these times, the only sounds being the chirping of insects and the inaudible pitter-patters of dolls in the shadows as they cleaned up the dregs of despair that threatened to tarnish this perfect canvas.
That night, a loving family of four slept away, enjoying a well-deserved rest after a long and tiring day. All except one, of course- the youngest member of the family, a cute, pink-haired boy whose insatiable curiosity had roused him from fitful sleep. He got up, and out of his little bed at the side of his parents’ room, carefully tiptoeing out of the room so nobody would be woken up. Surely Mom wouldn’t get mad if I woke up without disturbing her!
He wished to explore and learn more, a natural desire for a child his age, having just developed his ability to speak and walk. Supposedly, he was a good learner, having made great progress in school according to his mother and Big Sis, but to him, none of that knowledge was important if he didn’t know how the house looked at night!
Frustrated, he shook his head and headed down the hallway. He needed to keep quiet, but he couldn’t help but huff a little, thinking about his parents. How was he supposed to get as pretty and smart as Big Sis if he didn’t get to walk around a little later at night?
Of course, being a child, he forgot about the argument and the absolutely impeccable logic backing his side as he wandered to the sliding-glass door that led to their little garden, where Dad’s veggies and the tree that Big Sis sometimes sat under when she looked sad were. Immediately, he felt the urge to go out there and see how it looked at night.
Excited, and a little afraid at the idea of exploring the garden in the dark, he hesitated for a few seconds, before he mustered up the courage to follow his desires and gingerly pushed the door open. Taking a step outside, he looked around, but saw only those little blue-eyed dolls that spoke in a weird language that nobody believed him about except Big Sis. Yes! No monsters!
He took a few hesitant steps forward, each one a little further than the last. Building up confidence, he looked forward, and saw that the garden looked so pretty at night, with that almost-circular moon (What was the word that big sis said- Nimbus moon?) lighting up the plants. So entranced by the sight he was, that he did not notice that he was walking forward until the world shifted around him, like he was walking into somewhere he didn’t belong.
Suddenly, he felt scared, and shrank into himself. Everything to his side still looked the same, so what was happening ? He wanted to shout for Mom or Dad or Big Sis, but he didn’t want to be scolded either! Looking around and around, he noticed nothing different about the garden, but when he looked right in front of him, focusing on the spot that felt so scary, he saw something there.
There was a girl sitting on the grass, her back turned to him. That scary feeling suddenly went away, and he wondered if this girl was a- what was it the Red Big Sis said- guardian angel? Just a second ago, he felt like he was left alone at night with a monster under his bed, but now, he felt like Big Sis had tucked him into bed and wished him a good night, protecting him from the monsters!
Yes, this girl with the pretty hair must be one of Big Sis’s friends! Sure of himself, he walked up to the girl, ready to jump and hug her just like he would hug Big Sis, only to pause suddenly as he got a little closer, and saw the girl clearly. Wait a second…
“You have wings?!!!” The girl jumped and turned around to look at him. Her face looked scary for a second, but then she smiled, and he thought that she looked just as pretty as Big Sis did! She walked towards him and sat down on the grass facing him.
“Yes, I do,” she replied to him, looking amused. She lifted one of them up, showing off glistening black feathers, shining in the moonlight like those pretty black gems Mom sometimes wears , and Tatsuya gasped in awe at the beautiful sight, moving closer to take a better look.
“Can I touch them? Big Sis and Mom told me I had to ask before I did.”
“Of course,” the girl said, giggling a little, like Big Sis does when she’s with her friends, or drawing that black-haired girl in her notebook . “You have a good family.” Her expression turned melancholic for a second, but her smile returned before the boy could notice.
“Yay!” Tatsuya exclaimed, quietly, of course, and walked over to the girl’s left wing. He carefully grabbed the wing’s base, remembering the time Big Sis took care of a bird that’d flown into her window and hurt its wing. He tried to pet the wing like a bird’s, but realized each feather was the size of his entire hand. His little brain thought and thought of a solution to this great conundrum, and chose to simply pet the feather, careful not to pull it out.
He looked at the girl, seeing that she was still smiling, and continued to pet the feather. But something felt… strange to him. He stopped petting, choosing to run his mind again, thinking about what it was that felt wrong, and came to a harrowing conclusion.
Wings shouldn't have holes! He must inform the kind girl of this right now! Or else, she might try to fly with her hurt wings, and get hurt herself!
“Your wings are full of holes!” He warned, in the best way that he could think of- failing to actually get the point across.
“Huh?” Confused, the girl just stared at him, and to emphasize his point, he raised his hand up and grabbed part of the wing between two feathers, pointing at the gap between the roots of the feathers.
“Look! A hole! Birds shouldn’t fly if their wings are hurt!”
Dumbstruck, the girl sat frozen for a few seconds, just staring at him with a blank expression. Seeing this, the boy started to worry- what if I hurt her? Big sis will be mad at me for not being careful! But then, the girl started smiling again and spoke to him.
“That isn’t a hole.”
“Huh? But that’s not how wings are supposed to be!”
“Bird wings, definitely. But for my wings, this is normal.” She isn’t smiling right, Tatsuya thought, but thinking deeper about such things was difficult at a young age, and the little boy didn’t understand why it stood out to him.
“But why? My sister told me birds can’t fly if they don't have enough feathers! Why would you have wings that can’t fly?” He cried out indignantly, angry at the injustice of it all. Who did this to her? A ‘bully’, like the ones Big Sis’s blue-haired friend talked about?
The girl giggled at his proclamation, but even the little boy could tell that it was not a happy laugh. She looks like she’s about to cry, even though she’s smiling- like Big Sis did a month after we came here, and she started drawing that strange girl in her notebook. Tatsuya felt the urge to jump onto her and hug her, but she just rubbed her face, and that strange expression was gone.
“I can fly without these wings, little boy. They’re just reminders of what I am,” The girl said, chucking at him. “Now run back to bed and go to sleep. It’ll be better for you if you just… forget what happened here.”
“No!” He refused to move, and the girl gave him a stern stare in response. He can’t just leave! Even if the girl was being weird and confusing with her big words, she was obviously sad! Tatsuya decided that he would get to the bottom of the mystery that was this girl right now, even if he couldn’t understand half of what she said! And if I can’t, then I’ll call Big Sis! In response, the girl just sighed and shook her head, a little like how Mom did when Big Sis refused to leave her room .
“What do you want, then?”
“What you said…” Tatsuya paused, trying to word the sentence properly. “Do you mean that the wings are to show you’re an angel? But angels shouldn't have holes in their wings!” The girl froze, and he wondered if he’d said something wrong again. But then, she started laughing. And kept laughing. She laughed and laughed for a minute, until she finally stopped, tears filling her eyes.
“Hah… What a joke!” She stood up, and stretched out both her wings, and Tatsuya felt tiny in front of her, as the wings cast their shadow over him. She leaned over, and talked to him.
“There are angels in this world, little boy,” she proclaimed, raising her right hand to show off claws on it, then holding it right in front of Tatsuya’s face, as if about to claw it right off. “But I am not one of them, nor am I a good person.” She smiled, and this time, it showed many sharp teeth, reminding him of the monsters that ate children in those stories Big Sis would tell him. The little dolls started to dance around the two of them in a circle, shouting in that weird language as their blue eyes glowed.
Still, he was sure that she wouldn’t hurt him. He didn’t know why he felt so sure- but he did. Maybe she played with me when I was a little baby, and then I forgot?
“So what are you?”
“The Devil. An evil person.” She was standing so close to him now that he couldn’t see anything except her. What would Big Sis do if she was here? He thought and thought about what to say to her, before coming up with the answer.
“That can’t be true!” he declared, staring her right in the eye.
“And who told you that?” She asked, her other hand framing her chin with her claws, as she licked her lips. The dolls around them chanted, and the ground glowed an eerie red.
“Big Sis Madoka, of course! She told me- told me that nobody’s really pure evil!” He said, attempting to recall the lessons his sister taught him. And even the sleepy boy noticed the girl startle, her eyes wide, before that creepy smile came back. “She can help you! She always helps me when I’m sad, and even helped a bird with hurt wings! I’m sure she can help you too!”
“Of course she can…” He wondered why she sounded so sad when she said that. Why would anybody be sad about Big Sis’s help?
“Yes, she can! I’ll take her to you right no-”
“No!” she said, and the way she said it was stern , like Big sis’s scoldings. “I do not need help. So go back to bed right now, and you can forget everything that’s happened.” But he was a stubborn child, and so he continued to stand defiantly in the garden.
“Why?”
“Because I’ll hurt her,” she declared, and a tomato flew from a bush and hit her on the head as she said that. “If you take me to your sister, I’ll hurt her, and I’ll have fun doing it too!” She tried her best to lie, to convince him that he was mistaken and should go home, but the stubborn kid wasn't having any of it.
“You’re wrong! If you’re evil, you wouldn’t be afraid of hurting her!” The child said, with the simplistic naivete only one of his age could have. “So it means you love her! Just like me!”
“What?” The girl asked, dumbfounded. She couldn’t understand how the boy had come to that conclusion- not with everything she’d said. Unfortunately for her, this feeling wasn’t going to go away anytime soon.
“Uhh… One day, I made her sad, and she got angry. So I got scared and thought she’d leave me and go far away. And I cried, and she told me she could never leave me because she loves me,” the boy paused to breathe, his little body unused to such large sentences. “And- and then, she said that even if we make each other sad sometimes, because we love each other, we’ll be able to make each other happy again!” Quickly, he took a deep breath and started talking again, despite how tired he was getting.
“So-so if you love her just like me, even if- huff- you make her sad, you’ll be able to make her happy again!” Tatsuya quickly finished, trying his best to take deep breaths after what could have been the largest sentence he’d ever said in his life. Meanwhile, the girl stared at nothing, as if she had seen some invisible monster, and he suddenly felt that wrongness from earlier, making him want to shrivel up and hide behind something, like a tree or the girl.
“Wrong. Your sister… is wrong,” She quickly cut him off, clenching her fists and teeth and he trembled at the display. He tried to hide, but found himself stuck to the spot, as the girl stared at the ground. “Love hurts people more than it helps them. It’s a disgusting thing- it takes root in your heart, and grows and grows until there’s nothing left. And no matter how much you want to help someone, your heart will scream at you to do the wrong thing, even if it’ll hurt them so much they’ll rather die.” You’re wrong! He wanted to shout, to protest, because Big Sis was always right, but he couldn’t even open his mouth as tears welled up in the girl’s eyes.
“I’ll hurt her- and I’ll keep hurting her, because that’s love does. Just because I care about her, doesn't mean I haven't hurt her!” She laughed, and feathers started to fall from her wings. Those dolls were laughing at her- why are they laughing at her? - and Tatsuya noticed the moon itself grow dimmer, coating the garden in total darkness. “And she’ll hurt herself too! Because the moment she sees me, she’ll try to help me! Because that’s just how she is!” He started tearing up too, but she didn’t seem to notice it. Not until a tomato thrown by one of the little dolls struck her face again, making her look up and suddenly remember that she wasn’t alone. Her face immediately snapped into a blank expression, and he trembled under the cold stare she looked over him with.
“Stop talking about things that aren't your business. Go home. Now,” she ordered.
“But-”
She waved her claws in his face, shooing him off. “Get lost, now! Or I’ll tell your mother you were outside. Don’t tell anybody about me either, got it?” I really need to tell Big Sis, though! She told me to help people who need it! He tried to walk towards her, but she just raised her hands above her head, just as he was trying to reach her.
She clapped, and he suddenly ended up in the hallway outside his sister’s bedroom. It made him jump, and he looked around and around him, wondering how he ended up here, until he was sure he was in the right place. Her light’s still on… I’ll wake Mom up and get scolded if I go back to their room now. He carefully pushed the door open, and saw her on the bed, looking at her phone. She looked up, and tapped the space next to her on her bed.
“Mom’s snoring again?” She asked, as he walked over and sat down next to her.
“Yeah…” He peeked over her arm to try and look at her phone, and saw that she was looking at one of her drawings of the black-haired girl with the red ribbon again. Tired, he decided to lie down, cuddling against her leg.
“What’s wrong?” She asked. I can’t hide anything from her… Will I be able to know everything just like her when I finish school?
“Hey, Big sis… can love be a bad thing?” He asked, voice hesitant and tired.
“Where did you hear that?”
“I had a dream, and this scary girl in that dream told me that love hurts people. She called love disgusting! She even called herself evil!” He cried, trying not to tell her what actually happened. Luckily for him, she accepted his question, putting her hand to her chin to think about it.
“Hmm… I told you before that we would always be happy if we loved each other, but it’s a bit complicated when you grow up,” she said, continuing to look at the drawing. Is growing up that hard? “Sometimes, people’s love can hurt others when trying to help them.”
“But you know, even if you hurt someone out of love, it doesn’t just make you a bad person,” she continued, and he looked up at her to see her smiling at him. It felt like the smile that angel girl had made- the one that made him feel sad. “ Mom told me that sometimes… there isn’t really a better choice.”
“But why would that girl feel sad? If that’s all she could do?” Madoka could have simply brushed him off, telling him it was just a dream, but she didn’t- to him, the dream was probably much more important than it appeared to her. Besides, she had a strange feeling she couldn't explain, that this was more important to her than it seemed. She shook her head, and thought a little about how to reply in a way her little brother could understand .
“It means she’s a kind girl, Tatsu,” she replied. “She must have hurt someone she loved trying to help them, and that made her sad. If she thinks that love is disgusting, then she might think that whatever she did was not for that person’s sake, but for her own happiness.”
“But why? I like being happy! Is it bad to be happy?”
“It’s not that simple,” she answered, saying what felt right to her. “Sometimes, people feel bad for being happy, thinking they don’t deserve anything they have. But I know this- wanting love isn’t evil, Tatsuya.”
“Oh,” he replied softly. Of course, his big sister was right all along! See, angel girl! You’re wrong!
“I can’t know everything about that dream you told me. But I think… love hurts the most when we don’t understand each other. Maybe she was hurt by the one she loved too, and loves them too much to tell that. But unless that girl reaches out to the other person, she’ll never understand how the other one truly felt about what she did.”
“Is it always so much?” He sleepily asked. Why did grown-ups have to make things so weird and sad all the time?
“Yes. You’ll understand all of it when you’re older, I’m sure.” Hearing that, he grumbled, and she giggled a little and pushed him down into the bed to her left.
“Ok… Goodnight! You really do know everything!” He said, curling into his older sister’s side. She hummed and ruffled his hair, pulling her blanket over him. He heard her mutter something as his eyes shut and he fell asleep, but he didn’t understand it even though he heard it.
“Maybe…I'll have to follow my own advice, too…”
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When they woke up the next day, Madoka told him that she had a dream, of a beautiful angel with black and white feathers. When she did, she smiled with bright eyes and a warm smile, wearing those red ribbons she hadn’t touched in years. When Mom asked her about it, she just smiled and said “she had something important to do today”, which made her laugh for some reason! Tatsuya didn't understand any of it. It’s probably one of those weird grown-up things anyway, he thought.
