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Tav felt pathetic.
She tossed and turned in her bedroll, battling an emotional tempest. There was so much for her and her companions to worry about: the shadow-curse looming around them, violent githyanki pursuers on their tail, their proximity to Moonrise towers - apparent heart of the Absolute, the chance - however slim - that they might wake up the next day as mindflayers… the list went on, really.
And, on top of that, everyone seemed to have their own tumultuous pasts, ones filled with enough emotional and physical trauma to entitle even the strongest person to a breakdown or two.
But they all kept it together, day after day, getting up each morning to face the next set of monsters, the next battle, without complaint. Well, minimal complaint.
And here she was, on the verge of tears, just because she wanted a hug.
It was pathetic. She felt pathetic. And she was sure the others would think the same of her. But the pain, that touch-starved ache, gnawed at her mind for days on end. It clawed at her, hollowing her from the inside out, agonizingly slow. She feared if it persisted much longer, if it pried more sleep from her... She didn't relish the thought of breaking down crying in the middle of a fight, in front of all her companions.
So, she supposed, she would piece herself together as best she could and seek out someone who might be willing to help her. Better to embarrass herself in front of only one than the whole group.
She found herself drifting towards Halsin’s tent, tucked a little ways further from the others. He sat upright among the red grass of the ruined battlefield, meditating, partially illuminated by the candles to his side.
Tav hesitated. She hated this. She hated being vulnerable. It was uncomfortable and embarrassing and anxiety-inducing. It must be a burden to others, to have to reassure and console her, and she felt they would always think less of her afterwards.
But most of all, she felt she didn’t deserve it. The comfort.
She took in a steadying breath, racking her brain for a coherent sentence to get his attention, but the words only slipped through her fingers as she tried to string them together. After she had stood there for a, frankly, quite awkward amount of time, she settled for clearing her throat.
Halsin opened his eyes and tilted his head up to look at her. “Trouble sleeping?”
“Yes... I have- um, I've a lot on my mind.”
“Understandably so. Recent events could hardly be classified as normal.” He gave a kind smile. “Is there anything I can do to help? I would imagine you are here seeking me out with something in mind.”
Tav nodded. “I... have a request to make of you.” Her hands fidgeted. “I don’t think it’s anything big... Well, maybe it is? I’m not sure, but- I want to assure you that if it makes you at all uncomfortable you can say no. I won’t hold it against you. You can say no, and we can just forget it and move on and it'll be like nothing ever happened.”
He had pushed himself off the ground, standing up to full height, but looked at her strangely, a tinge of confusion on his face. “I’d be happy to oblige, if I can. What do you need?”
She hard-swallowed. “Well, I was hoping you might, um, let me... hug you?”
He was quiet for a few, maddeningly long, moments before he coughed out a surprised laugh. “Is that… all?” He chuckled lightheartedly. “You made it sound as if you were about to ask for one of my limbs! Though, even if you had, after all you’ve done in rescuing me from the goblin camp and saving the grove, I would have seriously considered it.”
Tav was silent, anxiety crawling up the back of her neck as she rapidly lost her nerve. “Actually, I probably shouldn’t have said anything, I’ll just go-”
Strong arms wrapped themselves around her, pulling her into soothing warmth. “If there comes a day where I don’t welcome a hug, then know I’ve somehow been replaced.”
Her face pressed against his chest as he bent to rest his head against the side of hers. Slowly, her own arms raised to return the embrace, hands grasping for the clothes at his back. Sweet hints of herbs and meadowland grass swirled in the air, faint feelings of a crisp breeze akin to that from a rushing river seemed to brush over her skin. She sank deeper into the hug, venturing a squeeze, a silent request, which he returned and embraced her tighter. He held her firm, strength enough to feel safe, to feel grounded. A wave of calm washed over the aching and pain, the worry and anxiety, and then, for a brief moment, nothing. She was completely at peace.
Then a choked sob ripped itself from her mouth.
The dam had broken. Tears flooded her eyes; her hands shook where they gripped his clothes; cries hiccuped out of her, fighting against shaky gasps being taken in at the same time. There was nothing she could do to control the trembling of her arms so she just gripped him tighter.
Halsin’s arms noticeably stiffened. “What is the matter? What happened?”
“I’m s-sorry, I-” sniffles and sobs broke up her words, “I- I didn’t mean to- I just... it’s just all s-so much-”
She pulled back, trying to disentangle herself from him while sobbing out another apology, but Halsin didn’t let go, rather he tightened his hold on her, gently rubbing a hand over her back. “Please, do not be sorry. Speak to me: what is wrong?”
Tav felt all her pent up stress and frustration bubbling to the surface, riding the waves of her tears to spill out of her. “I don’t know, it-it’s just... everything . Everything, all- all of it. The tadpole, the shadow-curse, the Absolute, the fighting, the monsters, the curses and poisons and diseases... I miss m-my home, the comfort of my things,” she heaved a breath and her eyes squeezed shut, “I miss feeling safe. I wasn’t a soldier, a fighter, before all of this.” A few more tears fell. “Sometimes, when my sword pierces an enemy, and I feel as the edge cuts through flesh and innards and scrapes bone,” her jaw tenses as she struggles to get the words out, “I get this horrid, vile stirring in the pit of my stomach that leaves me nauseated and unable to sleep until the morning or the next.”
Halsin listened quietly, one of his hands coming up to cradle her head where it leaned against him, the other continuing its soothing ministrations over her back.
“I– I can't... I don't think I can handle more of this, but the end of our troubles are nowhere in sight! Everywhere we go, it seems more people look to me, to us, to save them. They say we're their only hope, plead with us for help. Even within our own group, our friends look to me for direction, for guidance to solve personal disputes. They look to me for leadership! Gods! I must have missed the part where everyone agreed to appoint me de facto leader, for some godsforsaken reason, when clearly I can barely manage myself!”
Tav heaved for air through all her rambling, but the deluge of words was beginning to subside.
“But, even through all of that... the thing that eats away at me, that plagues my mind at night... it’s a miserable feeling that,” she hiccups another sob, “t-that I don’t deserve to be sad. I think about all of our friends and what they’ve been through, and in comparison... I have it great. I didn’t have to endure years of abuse, I wasn’t betrayed by friends and family, and I don’t have some crazy contraption inside of me that is yet another threat to my life, but you don’t see any of them making a wretched mess of themselves while they break down crying!”
Her sobs had dissipated into shaky breaths, accompanied by the occasional sniffle.
“If they can keep it together... w-what right do I have to be upset?”
The two both remained quiet in the following moments. Tav felt exhaustion sinking into the empty space left behind from her outburst, while Halsin seemed to be waiting to confirm that she had voiced everything she needed to.
Only once he was sure she had finished did he himself begin.
“My dear, although I do not believe emotions are something one must earn, you most certainly deserve to be upset now. You have been through much; much more than you should have to, and far more than most will in their entire lives.” He pulled away from the hug, bringing a hand to grip each of her arms and looked her in the eyes. “Perhaps things didn’t always go as you would have wished, but you are here, are you not? Despite being thrust into this quest, unwilling and unprepared, you have triumphed again and again, helped countless in need along the way, just as you’ve helped our friends, just as you’ve helped me. But these things do not fall to you alone. I, and all of our companions, are here with you. We are a team. If things ever get to be too much, if you need support, or even if you are just tired, you have us to lean on.”
He spoke calmly, but his voice was firm.
“The pain of others does not invalidate your own. Misfortunes visit us all, and some get an unfair share of them, but if only the hardest hit were allowed to feel pain, nobody would at all.” He pulled her back into his arms, a softer embrace this time. “Do not be ashamed of the way you feel. Your tears are natural and your distress is justified. This is a natural process for all living beings; allow it to take its course, allow the emotions to do what they must, and I promise you, things will get better.” His voice shifted lighter. “Though, I’m sure some extra help from one of nature’s servants wouldn’t go amiss.”
Tav huffed a laugh. “It does feel like this extra help is working.”
Halsin could feel the small smile that pulled at her mouth pressed against him. She remained intertwined in his arms for some time longer, accompanied only by the ambient noises of the camp, letting out the last few sniffles as her breathing returned to normal.
After some time she seemed to gather herself and cleared her throat, separating from him and stepping back. “Well… That was a lot, huh? Sorry, I didn’t intend to dump all of that on you... “ Her voice wavered. “That was pretty foolish of me... but thank you for listening anyway.”
“You were not foolish, not at all. I am much more upset with myself; I hadn’t realized all of that had been weighing you down. I was happy to help, as I would be happy to help again anytime you should need me in the future.”
Tav had settled into a peaceful calm. She felt lighter. “I... appreciate that. It is a comfort knowing I have some support. I hope it goes without saying that I will return the favor. Should you need me for something, I will help as best I can.”
“Oh, I have no doubt about that. You’ve helped a great deal already, and I still have more to ask of you. Banishing the shadow-curse will be no easy feat, but your aid, and the aid of our companions, gives me hope. More than I’ve had in a long time. Truly, I am in your debt.”
Her expression lifted, the smile coming to her much easier this time. “Don't thank me just yet. You can lavish me with praise and compliments after we actually get rid of it, and then, perhaps, you will have repaid your debt.”
Though she was undoubtedly in a better mood, it seemed something was still bothering her. A thought she looked to be mulling over. “...But, if you'd like to begin repayment now… perhaps I have a request.”
He quirked a brow, a mix of curious and amused. “I see. And this request would be...?”
The playful hint to her voice cracked, trepidation peeking through. “Could I just hug you for a little while longer? It had been so long since...”
The smile he gave her held the warmth of the sun, and he pulled her into his arms once more.
“For as long as you need.”