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He knows something’s up as he walks in through the door and smells coffee in the house. It’s almost dinner time, and he smells coffee. Sousuke knows it’s about dinner time, too, so there’s most definitely a reason as to why he’s in need of caffeine right now, and it probably isn’t because he’s had a particularly rough day at work. If that’s the case, all Sousuke really needs is to come home, take a shower and cuddle on the couch before bed. This isn’t Sousuke after a long day at work, this is something else, and whatever that is, Haruka already doesn’t like it.
“I’m home,” he says as he walks in, taking his time in removing his shoes and following the scent of coffee to the kitchen. He stops right outside the kitchen, and Sousuke turns to face him from where he sits by the table.
“Welcome home. How was your day?”
“Good, I guess”, Haruka says, scraping his foot against the floor in hesitation. “Something wrong?”
“I need to talk to you about something.”
The sight of Sousuke sitting like that by himself, the atmosphere and everything about this scares Haruka enough to make his heart race. He unconsciously grabs the doorframe, still standing between the living room and the kitchen where Sousuke is. Sousuke rarely wants to talk about serious issues, since they don’t have serious issues. It’s odd, because for almost the entirety of their relationship, Haruka and Sousuke have barely even had as much as a little argument. Considering how they were from elementary school up to the last few weeks of high school, it is a little strange to think about.
But now Sousuke’s sitting by their kitchen table with a serious, almost conflicted, expression on his face, and Haruka can’t help but assume the worst. He feels like he’s got all the reason to, seeing as he’s never had to worry before, and it could be about time for their bubble to burst. If anything, Haruka’s surprised at how long they’ve been able to keep going without it bursting.
“Okay,” he says tentatively. “What is it?”
“Sit down with me?”
He can, but he doesn’t want to. If he sits down, it’ll be more difficult for him to escape once things start to get comfortable. And Haruka knows Sousuke’s reflexes are faster than his, so if he were to try and run, Sousuke would be there to stop him before he even got a chance to get up from his chair.
But he does as he’s told; sits down on the opposite site of Sousuke, and he looks down at his hands on the table. “So?”
“Can you at least look at me when I want to talk to you?”
It really is serious. Is he breaking up? Haruka can’t imagine a reason for Sousuke to do so, but maybe that’s why he should be scared. There’s been several times throughout their relationship where Haruka just hasn’t been aware of things, of Sousuke’s feelings on certain things. And maybe there’s just something that’s been quietly simmering for a while, that Sousuke’s now about to bring up.
He knows he shouldn’t assume things and certainly not the worst when he doesn’t know anything, but he can’t not assume the worst when he’s scared out of his mind for what could be thrown in his face far too soon.
Haruka looks up at Sousuke, despite really wanting to break eye contact. He tries to read Sousuke’s expression, and maybe it’s just him trying to hold onto hope, but he doesn’t sense any kind of dejection.
“Thank you. So listen… I talked to my boss today. He says there’s an opportunity for me to get promoted with a much better salary and more interesting things to do.”
Haruka raises his eyebrows. “Isn’t that a good thing?”
“It is, but… there’s something else. A stipulation, I guess.”
Haruka sniffs. “Of course.”
“It’s in Yokohama.”
His heart nearly stops beating when Sousuke drops the bomb on him—it literally feels like a bomb’s just been dropped because of how he feels on the inside. A complete mess and nearly empty, with a side of a feeling of wanting to throw up. The thought of being left alone again enters his mind like an uninvited guest, and he knows it isn’t the same thing, but the principle doesn’t change. He’d be left behind by someone he loves. Again.
“And you said?”
“That I’d think about it. And that I needed to talk to you about it first. So that’s why I’m talking to you about it now. There’s literally nothing bad about it except for it being so far away, and I… wanted to ask you how you felt. How you feel about it.”
Haruka lets his gaze drop slowly, and Sousuke doesn’t protest. He clenches his hands into fists on the table, exhales shakily through his nose. Of course Haruka doesn’t want to hinder Sousuke’s progress in life, hold him back from things that might make him grow as a person, to earn more money and enjoy his job for once, which he hasn’t since his first day on the job. But at the same time, he’s terrified of letting Sousuke go. What if Sousuke gets too independent, what if he finds someone else in Yokohama that can offer him what Haruka can’t?
“So… what do you think?”
Haruka holds back a snort. “I’m not the one moving halfway across the country. Why should my opinion matter? It’s your job.”
“So you don’t mind if I do move halfway across the country, is that what you’re saying? You’re saying you’d be okay with me leaving?”
“I didn’t say that,” Haruka retorts. “I’m just asking why you’re asking me this. It’s up to you, isn’t it? Do you want to go?”
“I don’t know yet! I thought maybe your opinion could help me decide, if anything!”
Haruka sighs. “Who am I to stop you?”
“Honestly, Haruka? The one person that can.”
“Then I won’t.”
Sousuke blinks and sits back in disbelief, crossing his arms. “Wow. So that’s it, then. You’re just gonna let me go.”
“Why shouldn’t I? It’s your job, your future, not mine. I’m not gonna hold you back.”
“That’s not—you know what, forget it. Forget I said anything.”
Sousuke gets up from his chair and storms out of the kitchen up the stairs. Haruka flinches when he hears the bedroom door slam shut, and he puts his head in his hands, elbows propped up on the table. He doesn’t realise he’s crying until he sees a small pool of tears form on the table between his elbows.
Sousuke slams the door shut behind him and sinks to the floor. It was probably very naïve of Sousuke to think Haruka would flat-out tell him not to go, not to take the job promotion. Why would he? Sousuke knows Haruka would hate himself at the thought of keeping Sousuke back, much like Haruka had questioned Rin’s decision to retire from professional swimming to get a ‘normal’ job and live with Makoto here in Iwatobi. If it’s what Rin had wanted for so long, why give up on it? Not that Sousuke doesn’t understand it, but Haruka still struggles with it to this day.
It lies in Haruka’s nature to care for those close to him, wanting them to do what’s best for them if that’s what they want. Thing is, Sousuke doesn’t know if this is what he wants. And Haruka’s lack of response hasn’t really helped him to decide, either.
He lies down on their bed and exhales in exhaustion, letting the remnants of his frustration run off him. Maybe he should’ve stayed and tried to explain to Haruka why his opinion matters so much, why it isn’t just up to Sousuke to decide this. If they’re dating, if they’re living together and sharing pretty much everything, why wouldn’t this be a decision for the both of them to make?
Sousuke only goes downstairs again to take a quick shower and brush his teeth before bed. Haruka’s apparently decided to sleep under the kotatsu, and while it hurts, Sousuke doesn’t comment on it as he walks back upstairs without saying goodnight, this time not slamming the door shut behind him. He still has a few days to decide on whether or not to take his boss up on the job promotion and move to Yokohama, but he wonders if a few days are enough for him to decide and make up with Haruka.
Having only had a few hours of sleep battling an ache in his stomach for the majority of the night, Sousuke drives off to work having only had a cup of coffee before he left—something could barely be considered breakfast. The rings under his eyes are apparently so obvious people back off from talking to him beyond the absolute necessary things, and his boss thankfully doesn’t approach him about the job offer, either. Well, he had said a few days, so Sousuke would expect to be given a few days before being asked about it again.
After a quick lunch, of which he ate less than half before he dumped it into the rubbish bin, Sousuke calls Rin who’s usually on lunch when he is. He also has a little more freedom than Sousuke does, so if Sousuke wants to meet up for lunch or talk over the phone, Rin can easily take lunch right then and there if he needs or wants to.
“That’s great news!” Rin says, and Sousuke’s surprised by how different his reaction is to Haruka’s. “When are you going?”
“I haven’t decided if I want to yet,” Sousuke replies. “I don’t know what I want.”
“Why wouldn’t you wanna go? You’d have a better salary, better work hours and it’d probably be way more interesting.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose and frowns. “Haruka.”
“Of course,” Rin sighs. “Did you talk to him about it?”
“’Course I did. Told me to go because it isn’t his decision to make.”
“Sounds like something he’d say. Well, this is kinda where your opinion and shit comes in. You really gotta know what you want to do, Sou.”
“I already told you, I don’t know what I want to do!” Sousuke snaps. “If I go, Haruka’s gonna think I’m doing it because I don’t love him and because I want out of this relationship. If I don’t go, he’s gonna think he’s the fucking reason I’m staying, and that he’s holding me back.”
“Seriously, Haru will never give you the answer you want, because he’s scared to tell you what he wants. You know that as much as everyone else. Whatever decision you make is one he’ll just have to be okay with. You can’t please everyone, you know. Not even your boyfriend, and especially not if his name is Haru.”
Sousuke snorts. “Thanks a lot, Rin. Guess I have some thinking to do, then.”
“You do. And you have to talk some sense into that boyfriend of yours, too, even if you decide on not going.”
All he feels like he really got out of that conversation was telling Rin about having been offered a job promotion in Yokohama, but otherwise he’s still pretty much stuck in the same spot he’s been since last night. The biggest reason as to why he’s wavering is Haruka, to put it in simple terms. He could afford to be away from his friends since they can still stay in contact over the phone and internet.
But staying away from Haruka means being away from the one he loves and really wants to be with. Is it really worth it, in the end, just for a job? Even if it may bring in more money and make things more fun, would it really be worth to be away from Haruka, with several hours of travel separating them?
He comes back home to a quiet house, but he knows Haruka’s at home. He walks inside on light footsteps as to not scare his boyfriend, and when he walks inside, he finds Haruka sitting by their kotatsu in the living room. When Haruka notices him, he gets up from the floor.
“Welcome home,” he says. “Can… can we talk?”
Sousuke swallows. “Sounds bad. Did something happen?”
“No. Can we?”
He sits down with Haruka, and immediately senses the other’s distress and nervousness. He wants to ask: what’s wrong, why the tension, did you change your mind? He wants to, but he knows he’ll probably have his questions answered with Haruka wanting to talk to him, and if not, he’ll just have to ask when Haruka’s finished.
“Listen, I… I meant what I said. Last night, about you going. I think you should go. It’s a good opportunity for you.”
Sousuke huffs impatiently and almost desperately. “But what about you? What do you want?”
“I want you to be happy. Isn’t this what you’ve always wanted? For people to recognise how good you are at what you do, to get better, to get places? I want that for you. And if this is what that means, then so be it.”
He hates how Haruka keeps saying ‘for you’, as if he doesn’t exist in the equation that makes up Sousuke’s life, as if he doesn’t matter. If Haruka hasn’t figured that thing out already, he’s a very big part of Sousuke’s life, and taking said part out just doesn’t work. And of course he matters—Sousuke just can’t put it into words, because he doesn’t know how to say it in a way that won’t overwhelm Haruka.
“Do you want me to go?” Sousuke asks for what feels like the umpteenth time since last night. Haruka looks him in the eye, and Sousuke sees in his eyes that this isn’t what he wants. So it surprises him that when Haruka answers, he tells him that he wants Sousuke to go. To get what he’s sought for so many years after having had his dream crushed because of a fucked up shoulder.
“Yeah,” Haruka says. “I think you should go.”
He clenches his hand into a fist so hard by his side that he digs his fingernails into his palm, and he wants to bite his tongue before he asks the inevitable, but it’s too late.
“Don’t you love me? Is this why you want so badly for me to get the fuck out of here?”
Haruka stares at him in disbelief, in shock, and Sousuke’s shocked by his own words, too. Maybe even more so than Haruka is.
“Is that what you think this is? That I don’t love you?”
“Then what the fuck is it?! I’m trying to figure out why you’d want me to go after all we’ve been through, with how good we’ve had it up until I told you about the job offer I got last night. And you won’t tell me why you want me to go, what do you expect me to think?”
A little crease forms between Haruka’s eyebrows as he averts his gaze to the floor, and Sousuke feels like his heart is breaking. “I want you to go because I love you. I don’t want to hold you back from achieving what you want in life.”
Sousuke doesn’t have the energy to keep the argument going, because he knows he won’t get out of Haruka what he wants. He won’t be able to get Haruka to tell him to stay, and he’d never be able to forgive himself if he were to force it out of Haruka, since that would just make him feel like he made Haruka lie.
And maybe he’s just wrong about what Haruka really wants, after all.
They’re both silent in the car on the way to the airport. Sousuke doesn’t even understand why Haruka’s going with him if he wants Sousuke to go so badly, but he knows better than to ask. He just about manages to keep himself together, keep himself from screaming in frustration, sadness and confusion as to why they’re like this, why they’re here. It frustrates him that no matter how long he’s known or dated Haruka, he’s never been able to fully figure his boyfriend out, and he wonders if he ever will. If anyone ever will, even Makoto, who grew up with him, having spent nearly every waking moment with Haruka up until they graduated high school.
Sousuke parks outside his terminal at the airport, and Haruka walks inside after him, still not saying anything. By this point, Sousuke’s just tired, wanting to get on his plane so he can land at Haneda airport and begin the introductory guide he’ll get once he’s in Yokohama. It’s only supposed to take a week, and then he’ll have time to go back home and pack his stuff, most of which the company’s going to have shipped over on their expense, and then come back to actually begin working.
With the way things are going right now, though, Sousuke considers just having his things sent over, seeing as the company’s paying for it regardless of whether or not he picks up some of it himself. It’d be cheaper like this anyway, seeing as they wouldn’t have to pay for yet another ticket for him to go back home and get some of his stuff while the rest gets shipped over anyway.
This is definitely not how Sousuke wanted things to go. He’d want Haruka to fully support him and say ‘this is what I want, for the both of us’, and not just keep on stubbornly saying that he knows it’s what’s best for Sousuke, so that’s why Haruka’s letting him go. But he knows it’s too much to ask, and even if he isn’t even sure if this is what he wants for himself, he’ll have to find out.
“Guess this is as far as you go,” he mumbles outside the security check, adjusting the strap of his cabin luggage slung over his left shoulder. “I… guess I’ll talk to you soon, then.”
What does one say to their boyfriend of so many years when they’re going their separate ways possibly for a very long time? Years, maybe? Even if they are able to see each other on holidays and keep in contact over Skype, it certainly isn’t the same as being able to see each other in person on a daily basis, to sleep in the same bed every night, getting to say good morning and good night every day. Things that they normally take for granted are things Sousuke’s going to really be missing, and this is the way he loses it all.
“Yeah,” Haruka says. “Talk to you soon.”
He hesitates, but Sousuke ends up walking close to Haruka, tipping his chin up with an index finger, and pressing their lips together in a kiss. His heart aches again, and he swallows hard to try and keep his tears from falling. His tears won’t change a thing; they won’t matter now that he’s minutes away from being away from Haruka for god knows how long.
Sousuke’s taken by surprise when Haruka grabs the front of his jacket, presses their lips together as he’s about to separate. He’s even more surprised when he notices Haruka’s crying, feeling the wetness against his own cheeks. And he’s absolutely sure it isn’t his own tears as he hasn’t allowed them to fall yet.
Haruka pulls apart, but he doesn’t let go. Sousuke doesn’t want to let go either, even as there’s a voice announcing that he really should head for his gate or he’ll miss his flight. If he could, he’d stop time right here, right now, and stay in this moment for as long as they need, for as long as he wants to be in this very moment.
“Don’t go,” Haruka whispers. “I don’t want you to go. You said I was the one person who could stop you, right?”
His tears finally fall, and Sousuke pulls Haruka into an embrace, dropping his hand luggage onto the floor beneath their feet. He lets out a shaky breath of relief, takes in Haruka’s scent, completely ignores the people walking by them and giving them weird looks. It’s an airport, people go their separate ways here all the time. They aren’t any different from them, so why should it matter?
“Then I won’t go,” he whispers back. “I’ll stay.”
“What about your promotion?”
“Screw the goddamn promotion. Things are fine the way they are; I don’t need anything to change, I’ve got everything I want and need right fucking here and nothing’s gonna tempt me to just throw that away. ‘Sides, I still have a job, it’s not like I’m unemployed if I turn down this promotion.”
“Okay.” Haruka returns the embrace, and Sousuke hears the smile on his voice. “I’m glad you’re staying.”
“I am, too,” Sousuke says, and he really is. Nothing was really going to keep him from Haruka even if it meant him getting paid more or having slightly more interesting tasks. Work is work, it isn’t always supposed to be fun, and as long as it keeps him afloat and from ripping his hair out, he reckons he’ll be fine. They’ll be fine.