Work Text:
He doesn’t think much of it when he first gets laid off his job at the local burger place. It’s nothing personal, they said, it’s just that they’re doing really badly and can’t afford to stay open anymore. So Sousuke shrugs it off, and he goes looking for a new job. With what little education he’s had in the past, he can’t really aim for the high end jobs, but with what their town has to offer, Sousuke figures his chances might still be moderately high.
Two months later, he’s working as the subordinate of an absolute dickhead at a lawyer firm, where all he does is sort documents, answer calls and sometimes even get coffee. He thinks to himself that he should be grateful, seeing as the few contacts he has got him this job, and at least it pays a little better than the burger joint that had to close down, that now has become a minimart.
This job doesn’t last him very long, either, since he finally snaps at his boss, stands up for himself and says he doesn’t appreciate being treated this way. Said outburst leads to him getting kicked out—almost literally, too—and he’s back out on the streets carrying a cardboard box containing what little belongings he had at that place. To be honest, he’s glad to be out of there, but it does concern him that he’s lost his second job within three months.
Haruka doesn’t seem to mind it, as usual keeping with his Haruka-esque approach to things and saying it’ll be fine. Sousuke agrees, but only verbally, and tries not to let what happened to his father happen to himself. He’s not his dad, he’s his own person, and with the knowledge of the past that crushed his family to pieces, he can rewrite his own future.
So he tries to tell himself, when he’s hired at the local swim club to coach children. It isn’t too strenuous, he tells himself. It’s fine, he can do this, his shoulder problem is a thing of the past and he hasn’t felt anything since a few years following his high school graduation.
But of course, he keeps his naïveté up because it’s all he can to do stay positive. And it does work for a while, sure, but it was only a matter of time before his shoulder problems started coming back again. He knows the end of his short coaching career is near, whether he’ll end it by his own hand or if he gets fired. And despite his best tries to keep his injury a secret from everyone at the swim club, his superior finally tells him to stop overworking himself, to instead prioritise his health. And so, he gets fired. Again.
The more often it happens, the more difficult it gets to tell Haruka the bad news. While Haruka never seems to really take it all that bad, Sousuke can’t help but wonder if there’ll be a point where he’s had enough and thinks Sousuke’s just a burden, after all. Because how couldn’t he, after all this time, after all of these times Sousuke’s either resigned himself or gotten fired? Sousuke’s never been able to match Haruka’s salary, and with him constantly finding himself without a job, that certainly doesn’t help their financial situation.
Sousuke’s aware that he can’t keep this from Haruka, no matter how much he wants to. His heart hammers in his chest as he walks in through the door, hearing Haruka almost immediately greet him upon his arrival. Knowing that his boyfriend’s so accepting and forgiving makes Sousuke want to run, run as far away as he can, because he doesn’t deserve this kind of kindness and acceptance when all he does is fuck things up for himself and Haruka.
“Haruka,” he begins hesitantly at the dinner table. It might not be the best idea to bring this up during dinner, but he feels like he needs to do this right now, or he’ll keep procrastinating it. “I need to tell you something.”
“Hmm?” Haruka says, half disinterestedly as he picks up a piece of fish with his chopsticks.
Sousuke swallows a sigh. “I—I got fired. Again.”
Haruka looks up this time, but he doesn’t look upset, nor does he look shocked, which Sousuke had preferred more than anything else. Because that means Haruka’s gotten used to this, gotten use to him being a failure, bringing them down, bringing Haruka down.
“You did?”
“They noticed my shoulder injury. Said I shouldn’t force myself or it’d just be bad for me in the end. It was probably for the best, though—I should’ve known before going into it that it wouldn’t be a good idea to do work with something physically strenuous.”
Haruka puts his chopsticks down, and a concerned crease forms between his eyebrows. “You’re okay with it?”
“Sure, it’s just another job. I’ll find something again soon, I promise,” Sousuke lies, trying his best to smile and make it seem genuine. How can he be sure, these days, that he’ll be able to find another job and actually keep it? He’s slowly running out of options, at least when it comes to jobs in Iwatobi, and the thought of having to go to another town for work is a risk and a possibility he keeps pushing away, but it’s something that also keeps wanting to invade his thoughts.
“You’re not okay with it,” Haruka says. Sousuke tries to laugh, but it comes out forced and nervous, because he knows Haruka can see straight through him. They’ve been together for so long that it’d surprise him if Haruka couldn’t, and yet desperation makes him do idiotic things like trying to keep his façade up that’s been slowly crumbling for a while now.
“Haruka, I just told you I’m—“
“I know you’re not okay with it, and I wish you’d just tell me these things instead of lying to my face, Sousuke.”
“You don’t get it!” he bites back, standing up from his chair. “I’m not doing this to you on purpose, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
Haruka exhales through his nose, closing his eyes for a second. “Then what are you doing? Why won’t you talk to me?”
Because he can’t. Because he’s scared, he’s terrified, and he shuts everyone out in order to protect them from himself. Haruka deserves better than this, Sousuke’s wanted to say that to him for so long but never had the guts to, because he knows Haruka would argue against him until his face went blue. Haruka wouldn’t give up on something like this despite everything that’s happened, but Sousuke wants him to.
Before he realises what he is doing, Sousuke makes a last-ditch effort to try and escape from the incoming confrontation, from what might be the end of his relationship with Haruka for all he knows. Hell, if Haruka isn’t the one to dump him, Sousuke might have to end it by his own hands. Haruka deserves better.
Sousuke marches out of the kitchen and up the stairs, headed straight for the bedroom, and then nearly slams the door shut behind him. He walks up to stand by the window, hugging his middle, taking deep but shaky breaths. When he hears footsteps coming up the stairs, he closes his eyes, and then hears the door open again.
“Sousuke—“
“Don’t,” he says. “I don’t deserve it. Don’t come near me.”
“I don’t care what you think. I’m going to come near you, and unless you intend to run away again, you can’t stop me from doing so.”
He isn’t. Because what good would it do him to run away again? It’d just remind him of a stubborn child who keeps running away from their parents, from an incoming scolding. And maybe that’s what he’s got coming for him, too, who knows—all he knows is that he deserves it for the way he’s acting.
Haruka does walk up to him, and he places his arms over Sousuke’s, around his waist. Sousuke swallows hard, squeezes his eyes shut, and sighs again.
“Please talk to me,” Haruka nearly whispers. “You’re clearly hurting; I know you’re just putting up a strong front. You don’t have to.”
And it’s like a Pavlov effect, because as soon as Haruka utters these words, Sousuke’s tears finally fall, and his shoulders drop. Haruka tightens his embrace, and Sousuke wants nothing but to get away, to escape, to have Haruka stop touching him—at the same time, he doesn’t want Haruka to let go, to let him go.
“I don’t want to end up like my dad,” he begins. “He couldn’t keep a job to save his life either, and in the end Mum had enough and divorced him. I’m turning into him, and it fucking scares me, because if there’s someone I don’t want to take after, it’s my dad.”
He never talks to anyone about this, not even Rin, because he knows it won’t make a difference. It’ll sound just like all of his other excuses he’s made up until this point, and this would be a very bad one to explain why he’s in the situation he is, and has been, for god knows how long. It feels like a curse, like his dad has cursed him with his bad luck, clumsiness and general idiocy, and there’s no way to stop it. Like a cancer spreading throughout his body, the effects of it being near deadly.
“Sousuke… you’re an idiot.”
“Thanks,” he snorts, but he knows Haruka’s far from done. It’s funny thinking about how much Haruka’s changed from his high school self, even though change was probably a given seeing as they actually grew up. Sometimes, however, Sousuke wonders if he ever did.
“You’re not your dad, you know that, right? I’m not going to leave you because of something like this. It isn’t your fault to begin with, so why should I? Don’t just go assuming things when you clearly have no idea what you’re on about.”
“So you wouldn’t?”
“No,” Haruka repeats with a sigh. “Have faith in me, will you?”
“But what if I never manage to actually keep a job? What if I drag us down to the point of us getting out asses kicked out on the street?”
Haruka snorts, nudges Sousuke and prompts him to actually face his boyfriend, which Sousuke does with slight reluctance. “Not to brag, Yamazaki, but my salary’s pretty good. Not that I’m saying you shouldn’t get a job, but we’re okay. We’ll be okay.”
The optimism that came with Haruka’s change, with him growing up, is very welcome, Sousuke finds. He shakes his head, not being able to resist the smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
“So tell me why you thought it was a good idea to keep things to yourself. To keep your integrity? Your manhood?”
“Very funny,” Sousuke replies sarcastically. “I keep shit to myself because I don’t want to burden you.”
He almost says ‘more than I already am’, but decides in the last second that it won’t help his case. Sousuke will just have to learn to accept the fact that Haruka doesn’t view him as a burden, and that he wouldn’t be dumped for not being able to keep a job for longer than a few months at most. It’s all difficult, but it’s something he knows he’ll have to tackle, not just for himself, but for Haruka, too.
“Well, you're not, so stop doing it.”
“Fine, okay. Listen... I do have faith in you, you know,” he says.
“But you don’t have faith in yourself.”
Bingo. Sousuke resists the urge to laugh at the irony of it. “Kind of difficult with everything that’s happened, don’t you think?”
Haruka shrugs. “If you choose to let it define you, then sure. We’ll figure something out. Just promise me to stop keeping things to yourself. You used to bark at me for doing the same thing.”
This time, Sousuke does laugh, but it isn’t out of sarcasm or irony. He shakes his head, and Haruka brings a hand up to wipe the tears on Sousuke’s cheek. Sousuke takes the opportunity to lean in closer and kiss his boyfriend, and he feels Haruka smile against his lips.
“Thanks, Haruka,” he says. “And I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. If you want to, I could see if maybe you could work at my restaurant?”
Sousuke shudders. “No offence, Haruka; I love you and all, but I wouldn’t want to work at the same place as you.”
“… yeah, you’re right.”