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the drag of the shard is always the worst part. zam winced as he felt the glass tearing apart his skin, the blood slowly revealing itself, staining his arm as it dripped down.
repeating the action, he could feel the stinging pain getting worse. zam was used to it, his scars that overlapped each other was a prime indicator of this not being his first time. they grabbed his arms and legs like vines, and the battle scars zam had from continuous fights over the season engulfed his chest.
he watched as his skin moved back and forth from the presure of the glass being dragged dryly on his skin. before ripping open and plunging into the blood of a cut.
looking at his arm, tears swelled up in his eyes. this wasn't new, every time he felt as he let someone down, zam would find himself back in the room. this was happening a lot more recently than before, he felt like such a disappointment to subz and vitalasy. just like always, here he was, in his room, confined to this self made punishment.
except, this time it was harder to get ahold of an item that was catered to zams liking. last time he was caught with his custom knife by vitalasy, and subz had confiscated it until he decided that zam was suited 'well enough' to get it back.
zam didnt sleep with subz and vitalasy that night. their faces were engraved in his memory. that was the first time vitalasy had seen zam in the act. his face of pure horror was all zam thought about, tears stained his pillow.
everyone in eclipse federation knew zams injuries weren't just from fighting, but since it was a private matter, he never had the need to explain anything. but now, his teammates knew, and they had saw the critical state he was in, they couldnt trust zam to be alone at night.
so when subz saw zam out of bed, he knew something was up. slowly removing himself from the tight embrace vitalasy had on him. whispering a white lie to him, but not leaving before planting a kiss on his forehead. he stretched and yawned, before he walked out of the room.
looking down the hallway, he could see that zams door was closed. sighing, he prepared himself for the sight he was about to see behind that door.
subz maintained a mellow voice and showed no sign of disgust or disappointment last time when zam was needing to be cleaned and patched up. but reality was, subz hated it. he hated how he felt like it was his fault taking away zams knife shouldve had more behind it.
he of course, had to take it because it was a liability to zam and more importantly the team, there was no doubt behind that. but, it wasnt just because of that. he didnt want zam hurting himself anymore, and it felt childish to try to explain to him why thats wrong.
subz sighed, pressing his hand on the doorknob and flicking his wrist up. the door opened with a creak, and there zam laid, a tear stained face, the broken potion of poison next to him, and a glass shard in his hand. zam had gotten into their potion supply.
subz rushed over to him, ripping the glass shard out of his hand and throwing it. zam started to cry again, trying to push away subz with his right hand. zam had tried to do the same thing last time, but subz wasn't going to comply with his shoving.
finally being able to wrap his arms around zams waist, he hoisted him up into his arms, settling him around his torso. zams legs latched behind subz's back, as well as his hands that held onto his shoulders. zam quietly sobbed into subz's collarbone as he rushed towards the bathroom. blood stained subz's shirt as the blood from zams cuts dripped on the floors.
closing the toilet seat, subz propped zam on the toilet seat. "sorry, i didnt think that was the most effective way of getting you over here but, i wasnt leaving you alone." he grabbed out his supply kit, and started to lay out everything.
he held a hand on zams thigh, rubbing it gently as he pulled out sheets of gauze and began to place it on zams cuts. zam flinched as the gauze went over the cuts. they were deep, but subz has delt with worse over the years.
the deafening silence was broken by the sound of zam sniffiling. he was crying again. "let me know if it hurts too much. ill stop to let you breathe." subz uncovered his hand to see if the bleeding had stopped, and it was still substantial. he grabbed more gauze and applied more pressure.
he laid his head on zams thigh, closing his eyes as he pressed a kiss on it. zam continued to quietly sob. he felt so horrible, making subz get up to find him laying in a pile of blood, cuts all down his arm. he hated it.
subz finally lifted the gauze and saw that the blood had disappeared on the cut he was taking care of currently. he grabbed the wrap out of its container and started to slowly unravel it. he began to gently wrap it around the gauze. when he was done, he tucked the end of it underneath the wrap. "thats one done, i think i can knock out these two together since they are so close."
he began to methodically repeat the process again, zam sighing as he turned away. "i'm sorry subz." zam said quietly. subz stopped applying pressure out of confusion.
"for what?" he looked up at zam who was facing the opposite direction, obstructing his tear stained face.
"for making you do this, im sorry its stupid. you know i can tend to myself, i dont need someone taking care of me so nicely." zam paused, a hitched sigh escaping his mouth. "you shouldnt have to have to deal with me, i dont deserve it." as zam spoke his voice started to get softer and quieter, "you're probably disappointed in me, its.. its stupid. whatever, continue if you want."
"zam, be honest with me." subz reaches up and grabs zams chin, moving it so he can see his face. "would you really clean yourself up?" zams eyes watered as subz applied more pressure to the gauze. "would you?" zam shook his head, and his nose twitched as he started crying again.
zam normally didnt cry this much, or like, ever. but when faced with something that could be seen as bad as this, he couldnt help but cry like there was no tomorrow. he hated the idea of subz taking care of him, he hated the idea of anyone taking care of him. not once was he ever treated this kindly by mapicc or ro. but, he couldnt help see that subz actually did care about him. well, at least zam thinks subz cares about him.
"i dont want it to seem like im upset or disappointed in you zam because, the way i treated you last time was full of resentment. i, i didnt mean for it to sound like that. im not mad at you, these things happen. i just ask if you're feeling like this," subz began to start making a pressure dressing around the gauze, "try to talk to me or vitalasy about it. i know he may not seem like the best person since he basically ran away last time, but hes worried about you zam, and i am too."
ok, now zam truely hated that. nope, hes not gonna let people worry about him. thats too much, absolutely not. never in a million years is he gonna make people worried about him. would talking to them even help? probably not. zam sighed as he looked away from subz, finally breaking eye contact. "okay."
subz repeated the process of wrapping and closing the dressing by placing it underneath the gauze. he sat up, and began to pick up all his supplies to place back into his tackle box shaped first aid kit. stretching his arms and back as he yawned again, he looked down at zam. "do you want to go to my room, or vitalasys? ill clean up the glass in your room tomorrow, along with the poison." crap, subz forgot about the poison that was currently circulating through zams body.
"yours." zam coughed, as he started to stand up. subz reached out his hand, and zam took it. they slowly walked out of the bathroom. as began to make their way down the hall to subz's room. but before they reached the door, subz walked into the room where they stored all their potions and began to rummage through the barrels. in the barrel labled in bright red ink 'HEALTH POTS' he grabbed a bright red potion, and popped the cork off.
he handed it to zam, urging him to drink it. zam groaned and started to slowly sip the potion. yuck. he took slow sips as he felt the concoction dripping down his throat. after getting rid of the first few bitter sips, he began to chug the potion. he hated how warm inside he felt from drinking it. all he wanted to do was sleep now. but how was he supposed to do that when his brain wasnt shutting up?
zam placed the cork back onto the bottle, and handed it back to subz. shit, now he wont be trusted to keep bottles in his room. now that zam was thinking about it, cutting himself wasnt even worth it anymore. really, he just wanted an escape from reality for just a little bit.
zam just wanted to feel something.
zam struggled to remove his shirt with the large bandages in the way, making him unable to bend his arm in the way he needed without causing him immense pain. throwing his shirt down on he grabbed one of subz's graphic tees that was way too big for him. he slowly put it on, straightening out his hair as he walked over to the bed.
he began to climb into the spot where subz was patting, curling up in front of subz. he fit perfectly between subz, like it was connecting two puzzle pieces. zam slowly backed into subz's direction, letting subz rest his head on the back of his shoulderblade.
"zam." subz said with a raspy voice, but soft enough to be heard. he curled his arms around zams sides, and pulled him in closer. zam groaned in response to subz and he was grabbed.
"i love you, you know that?" he pressed a small kiss on zams back, purring quietly.
zam jolted from the kiss and the confession. obviously his boyfriend loved him, he knew that. he just didnt expect the sudden expression of his love. "i, i love you too subz." he grabbed subz's hand and pulled it up to his lips to press a gentle kiss on his knuckles. he moved subz's hand down, but continued to hold it.
"goodnight." subz said, before closing his eyes and kissing the back of zam's neck again. okay, so hes being incredibly critical tonight it seems. zam understood, with the circumstance he was found in, of course subz is gonna treat him like this. he just, still was shocked by it all.
zam doesnt sleep for another hour. despite his eyes being closed, he couldn't succumb to sleep. constantly thinking of how the night had played out. he seriously wasnt trying to kill himself, thatd be pointless. he doesnt need to be losing any more hearts. despite the fact mapicc and ro had finally left the three of them especially zam alone, he was still terrified.
they could show up at any moment, and take away everything zam had built up. he had a whole relationship, a team to keep alive. he cared about subz and vitalasy, and before tonight he seemed like all his actions were pointless if they didnt please his boyfriends.
he wasnt sure about that now though.
before zam drifted off to sleep, he heard the sound of footsteps, and his guard was immediately up. he tensed up, until he heard the familiar voice of vitalasy. vitalasy had walked over to subz and was shaking his shoulder, "subz, subz wake up." he quietly said. subz groaned as he looked over at vitalasy.
"what is it?" he said, stretching his neck and moving his hand to the back of his neck.
"you left me in the room alone." zam's heart sank a bit, as he felt guilty for making subz treat to him. he abandoned vitalasy to be alone, just to take care of him.
"oh, shit. im sorry vitalasy, zam was not in the bed any more, so i went to check on him. he-" subz paused and began to rub the back of zams neck gently. "he needed my help, and then i didnt even think to bring me and him to your room."
vitalasy whimpered as he pouted, "is he okay?"
"he should be, im still a bit worried though. are you gonna get in bed with us or are you busy?" subz scooted and moved his hand behind his back to pat where vitalasy usually laid in the pile. vitalasy dived into the bed, curling up into subz immediately, and he began to pepper kisses down subz's back.
"i love you guys, goodnight." he said, before closing his eyes and drifting back to sleep. subz grabbed his hand and interlocked it with his own. the sound of purring from both vitalasy and subz was loud in zams ears, he felt at home once again.
zam felt like things were finally beginning to change for the better, and he liked it. he closed his eyes one last time, before falling to sleep.