Work Text:
~~~
Dan first saw his dead son’s image when he came back from the crematorium.
Diana didn’t go. Couldn’t. So it fell on Dan to handle it all. He too just wanted to curl up in the bed and forget about the world, but he didn’t complain. Whatever pain he was enduring couldn’t possibly rival that of a mother, and someone had to hold the family together, even if there were only two of them left.
Or so he’d thought.
When he dragged his exhausted body into their small house, he didn’t see Diana crouching in a corner crying or collapsing on the couch. He saw her playing the music box, sitting next to the cradle and smiling at something. A pang of sadness hit him and he wanted to scream. He stood still for a long moment, making sure his emotion wouldn’t accidentally explode, then walked over to see what his wife was smiling at.
And he saw him. It. An illusion or a spiritual being that would haunt his family for the time to come.
***
Dan learned quickly how to let his gaze drift away just slightly, pretending he didn’t see what Diana claimed to exist. He learned how not to flinch when a boy’s voice called to him, not to dodge when a boy’s figure blocked the way. The image always shifted away at the last second. Dan had never been able to touch it. That must have been the proof of its falsity, right?
Try as he may, Dan couldn’t talk sense into Diana. She still saw it, day after day, year after year. Even after they had Natalie. Even after so many doctors. He tried as hard as he was able to catch her at every fall, to hold on to the family that seemed to be falling apart each minute. Every time he saw a flicker of hope, it all shattered the next second.
Diana was trying, he knew. But he also knew her vision of a perfect family always had a spot for a son, a brother. She chided him sometimes, when she was deep in her hallucination, that he should talk to their boy more. “He needs a father,” she said. Dan only barely refrained from saying Natalie needs a mother.
Dan couldn’t claim that he did much better when it came to being a parent. When he had a full-time job, a wife with mental illness, and a dead son who constantly demanded attention, there was only so much space left for the quiet daughter. Especially when said daughter seemed so clever and mature. She seldom demanded attention, just asked questions. Questions Dan wasn’t sure how to answer. A, it didn’t take much for her to piece together the truth.
Sometimes Dan wondered if it was really a hallucination. It felt too real to be a trick of the brain. He always shut down the thought as soon as it surfaced. He couldn’t be the one to question it. Not when Natalie was staring in tears at the sight of her mother preparing yet another birthday cake for the boy who never got to taste it. Still, he couldn’t stop the doubt from reappearing.
Diana said he was an angel. Dan almost snorted out loud. It was a stupid name. It wasn’t an angel. It was a demon seeking to take away all that he loved.
***
“Gabe… Gabriel.”
It was the first time Dan called out his son’s name after… after. It tasted strange on his tongue yet it felt like a missing piece finally slotted into place. It was the first time he looked into those eyes that looked so much like the woman he loved, the woman who just walked out of the door. How had he never noticed? And in those eyes… Dan had expected to see resentment or taunting, a victorious glee for pushing his wife away from him. But what he saw was something more familiar. Something he saw in Natalie and he saw in himself in the mirror.
Loneliness. Desperation. Fear.
“Hi, Dad.”
A small smile bloomed on that handsome face. So young and innocent. The smile was faint and fragile still. He had his arm outstretched. An invitation. A pleading.
The two of them only ever antagonised for Diana’s attention. It had never occurred to Dan that Gabe would seek the same thing from him. Or perhaps He always knew, knew that when Gabe called for him every morning, it wasn’t just to mess with him or make him look bad in front of Diana. He chose not to acknowledge it for what it was, because once he did, he wouldn’t be able to keep his feet firmly on the ground.
Gabe was still waiting. The hope in his face slowly faded. Dan knew he shouldn’t, but his hand moved on its own accord. He had resisted and denied it for so long, and for what? Diana still left. It seemed that the perfect son was left behind too. Who must Dan stay on the ground for?
Gabe’s smile returned a little. Dan took a step forward tentatively, his hand now hovering beside Gabe’s cheek. Gabe backed away slightly like he always did when Dan would swing his arm and pretend not to see him. Was he afraid of Dan? Was he inviting Dan to move closer? Dan leaned in, only an inch away, he could finally hold his son…
“Dad?”
Dan jolted at Natalie’s voice. His heart was pounding like mad and he couldn’t breathe. Natalie – his beautiful, clever, living daughter was standing in the dark, staring at him with dread. And Dan realized that he hadn’t thought of Natalie since the moment Diana stormed out of the door. He hadn’t thought about how Natalie took her mother to the doctor on her own or if she made it to the ball.
From the corner of his eyes he could see Gabe’s hand dropped, his expression crushed. It was so utterly devastating that Dan’s resolve almost crumbled. He felt like bleeding, but he forced his gaze fixed on Natalie.
“It was just you and me. For now.”
“Yes.”
As soon as the word left his mouth, the thing that had held him upright until this moment broke apart. He stumbled around, nearly fell over before he found a chair for support. When he chanced a glance at Gabe’s direction, there was no one. Dan didn’t feel relieved. He felt like killing his son all over again. Before he knew it, he was bawling uncontrollably. He crumbled on the chair and started shaking. He shouldn’t be like this. He needed to put himself together. He shouldn’t let Natalie see this.
In the end, Natalie was the one who put him back together. She brought back light and gave Dan warmth. She was so warm. A real living human. It was what he should cling to, not the illusion of no flesh and blood. Gabe could never hold him the way Natalie did. Not really.
Right?
***
Life was less crazy after that. With Natalie at home, Dan could spend all day without catching a glimpse of his dead son. But he never really got rid of him. More often than not it was just a shadow in the corner of his eyes, or a reflection on the window pane. Occasionally there would be voices. “Hey, Dad,” he always called eerily. Dan had been used to ignoring it when Diana had been around, but it was harder when he was all alone. When they were all alone.
And Natalie, so smart and talented, already had college offers piling up for her. She stayed at home longer than she should have for Dan’s sake, but they both knew she would fly out eventually.
The day Dan drove Natalie and her luggage out of the house, he saw Gabe standing in front of the house door, waving.
Then there were just the two of them. It seemed that they were both right. They were the only ones who stayed. Dan wondered if Gabe had always been talking to him too, not just to Diana.
Gabe didn’t lunge at him like that day Diana left. He was quiet, looking uncertain and wary. He still greeted Dan every morning. “Hi Dad,” he would say, then fell into silence. He didn’t disappear though, following Dan everywhere. Dan didn’t react on the first few days. He didn’t dare. It was what his therapist suggested. His gaze, however, lingered longer and longer on his son’s figure. At first it was just the clothes he wore, the length of his hair, or the posture he took. Gradually, Dan’s eyes followed Gabe’s face more and more, observing his expression, decoding the message in his eyes.
Gabe must have noticed, but he didn’t show it. They were both just watching and waiting.
Secretly, Dan was grateful for Gabe’s presence. The house was too big for even the two of them, but it was better than one. He considered once if he should move to a smaller place, ridding himself of the false hope that it could still be the perfect home he’d envisioned. But then he wondered if Gabe would still be staying, and he panicked. He didn’t leave with Diana, what if he didn’t leave with Dan either?
Dan didn’t indulge the thought again.
It happened on a random morning. There wasn’t anything different on the day, except perhaps Dan wasn’t very awake when he dragged himself out of the bedroom.
“Hi Dad,” Gabe said as usual. He was still in his pyjamas, staring intently inside the kitchen cupboard, contemplating his breakfast options. The sight was so familiar and normal. And Dan heard himself say,
“Morning, Gabe.”
Gabe turned around sharply, eyes wide. They both froze. Dan thought about going away, pretending nothing happened. But he was tired. So tired. If he was to see his dead son for the rest of his life – delusion or not – why not see him properly? What did he have to lose?
And Gabe – Gabe was smiling at him like a little kid, like he hadn’t been a day older in these 18 years. It squeezed Dan’s heart so tight he was scared it might burst.
So he smiled and took a few steps closer. He reached out with both hands like that fateful night. Gabe didn’t recoil this time. His smile widened and he took a hesitant step forward. Carefully, Dan rested one hand on Gabe’s shoulder and the other cupping his face gently. It was an odd feeling. Not quite the same as touching solid flesh but not as cold and phantom as he’d expected either. It was like dipping into warm running water, or basking in the winter sunlight. Dan wondered for the millionth time what exactly was Gabe? Was his brain really capable of this vivid illusion?
Gabe closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. He let out a trembling breath that almost sounded like a sob. It broke Dan’s last restraint and he pulled his son into a tight embrace. They had waited for so long. Too long.
“Gabriel.”
“Dad?”
“I’m glad you stayed.”
“Always.”
They broke apart, and Dan looked Gabe in the eye. His eyes were red but he was beaming. So beautiful in the sunlight. How could Dan look past this sight for so many years? For the first time since his son passed away, Dan felt the hole in the chest was filled.
He could do this. If acknowledging his son made him feel more peaceful then it must be the right thing to do. He would still go to work every day and call Natalie every week. When Natalie came back home he would give her full attention and pretend not seeing her brother making funny faces behind her. He had had a lot of practice. He could do it. He must. Because seeing Gabriel’s dashing smile now, he didn’t think he could go back into ignorance.
If Gabriel indeed came from hell, then so be it.
Ruffling his son’s curly hair affectionately, Dan walked past him into the kitchen to start a new day.
~~~