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The steam from the cup of tea rose through the room, spiraling out the window. The smell of citrus fruits perfumed the kitchen, making anyone who passed by snore.
Yosano watched the movement, completely absorbed in the vision before her. The way the steam seemed to dance with the wind, creating all types of abstract shapes.
She smiled and took a deep breath, allowing the scent to sink into her lungs and calm her nerves.
It was a rare day, after all, peace was not common in her apartment, not after Dazai moved in. The truth was that calmness simply did not suit the detective, who was always talking, doing something, singing about something related to suicide and never remained silent - Yosano had often wondered if he also talked while sleeping because the name Dazai should never be written near the word " silence ".
She smiled at the thought. Her boyfriend was definitely too complicated and tough to manage, but it was worth it.
The doctor could only hope that was a sign of his good mood, after all, it was difficult to ask Dazai for a favor. Especially because if he were to be pressed for an answer, he would simply close himself off in his mind and not answer anymore.
Definitely a complicated man.
She poured the liquid into another cup of tea and walked towards the room with a cup in each hand, knowing the detective would be there. And she was right, Dazai was there, sitting on the sofa reading, the light coming through the window made his features look younger and his eyes shone in the most beautiful shade of amber, his hair moving slightly in the breeze.
The doctor's heart was filled with joy, she was happy to see him so at peace. She could only hope that it would continue that way.
"You're looking." Turning a page in his book, he murmured.
Yosano smiled and approached the sofa, placing the two cups on the center table.
"I made some tea for us." She waited for a reaction, and when there was no response, she took the book from his hands, making sure to mark the page, and closed it. She could see his face of indignation and stifled a laugh. "Ready to give me attention now?"
"I always pay attention." He replied as he came closer to her. "And actually I should be the one asking you this. You just came home and went straight to the kitchen and didn't even gave me a kiss." He pouted a little as he spoke, closed his eyes, and put one hand on his chest as if he'd been shot.
"'You poor boy, can't you be left alone for a moment?" She joked, giving him a quick kiss on the lips.
"Not when a certain someone, also known as my girlfriend, is hiding something from me." He quickly replied, moving to a better position on the couch and opening his eyes.
Yosano closed her eyes, always on point, wasn't he? She sighed, it would be a long conversation.
"I was talking to a friend..." She began, projecting her voice to be as reassuring as possible, that alone already sounded the bells of warning in Dazai's mind, after all, she was not the kind of woman who would turn the subject around.
In fact, between the two of them, Yosano was always the one who found it easier to express herself and tried to get her boyfriend to talk more often.
Dazai, even with his beautiful words and his captivating manner, was unable to say when something bothered him, letting everything turn into a snowball until the two fought. Yosano was deeply irritated by his inability to set limits and his willingness to accept what was given to him.
But after a year of dating, Dazai started to get better at saying when something bothered him. It wasn't perfect yet, but it was a step in the right direction.
"She told me she's going on a trip for a while..." Her speech drifted on. "And she would like me to take care of her pet for her." She finally said, watching him frown.
"I don't see why not, dear." He smiled at her. "It wouldn't be a problem, you know I love cats." He placed one of his hands on the side of her chin and ran his thumb down her cheek.
Dazai stared at her, waiting for her to react, but when he was greeted by a disturbing silence, he started to get worried. Yosano grimaced and her eyes were deeply apologetic.
" No ..." Dazai whispered as soon as he understood the problem.
Ignoring the cooling tea and Yosano herself, he stood up from the couch.
"Dazai, she needs someone and I'm the only one who can help her." She tried to explain the situation, begging every deity that the brunette would just accept without having to fight for it. "I know you don't like dogs and we have a 'no dogs in the house' rule, but this is a special case."
Noticing that Dazai was moving away, the doctor got up and started walking towards him.
"Exactly, we have a rule. And yet you ignored it." He said through his teeth.
That wasn't his normal behavior, Dazai was always a person of unshakable composure, and seeing him nervous made Yosano even more anxious.
"Yes, because a friend needs my help. He won't stay in our room and I'll keep him away from you."
"That's not your problem, Akiko." He finally turned to her. "What was all that talk about saying if I don't like something I have to tell you? What's the point if you simply disregard everything I say?" He spoke loudly, not softly as usual.
"Baby, that's different. I really want you to tell me if something is upsetting you. But I've already promised to take care of the dog for her." The doctor tried again, not knowing what kind of arguments she could use to get Dazai's acceptance.
"Great. I'll tell you once more. I don't like dogs. I never have, and I never will. And I definitely don't want one of those things in my house." He finally said, kicking his foot like a spoilt child.
"Can you not be so selfish for a second and listen to what I'm trying to tell you?" She lifted her voice, nervous. The detective's face turned into something like anguish. Something she would have lost if she hadn't been attentive before it went completely empty.
Yosano hated it, when Dazai was in that state, it was impossible to know what he wanted, what he was thinking, and what he was going to do. In such cases, she would try to calm down and have a calm conversation, but she was still angry.
Her day was going well, she had had a great morning with her friend and for the first time in months, there was peace and quiet in her house. Dazai had no right to ruin it for her.
The silence was once again in the house, but this time it did not hold the promise of a warm afternoon in the arms of her lover. The silence was sharp. Yosano could feel it penetrating her pores, trying to tear her from the inside out. Avoiding his eyes, she waited for him to give in. She knew her heart could not handle what she was about to see in his eyes.
"Look Dazai, I know it's hard, but I was really hoping you'd understand-"
"Okay." He interrupted. "You can bring the dog. I don't want to argue about it." Yosano lifted her head to look at him, relieved that he agreed.
His eyes were dull, Yosano wondered if it was a ghost of what he really was or a mask to hide his feelings.
She would probably never know.
"Thank you, my love." She sighed, tired. Arguing with Dazai always took all her energy. "I promise I will not leave you alone with him, I will not let him in our room and I will keep a safe distance between you both!"
He only gave her a wink and a nod of recognition before turning his back and walking into the room. Yosano let out another long sigh as she picked up the cup of tea that had been abandoned and threw it away.
She walked towards the room and saw a mountain of blankets wrapped around the bed. She smiled and came closer.
"Are you angry with me?" She asked gently, sitting down beside him. There was a hint of concern in her voice.
The doctor could see brown curls peeking out of the blanket. When two equally brown eyes finally appeared, she could not help but chuckle. Dazai just shook his head and opened up a space for her to lie down next to him.
As Yosano cuddled up next to him, she thought that maybe everything was not lost. It might even be that Dazai would enjoy the company of a pet at home.
———
It turns out that she was completely wrong.
The day she was supposed to get the dog, Yosano woke up to a cold, empty bed; Dazai had woken up earlier and left her alone. She was sure that this was an unorthodox form of punishment on his part, but she chose to ignore it.
He would get used to the fucking dog. He had promised!
He was in the kitchen preparing something to eat as soon as she got dressed and left the room. For a second, she wondered if he was going to leave her hungry just out of spite, but she quickly dismissed the thought.
Dazai wasn't cruel.
Was he?
"Your breakfast." His voice was not hoarse, meaning he had been awake for a while. The brunette pointed to the dining table where a nice breakfast awaited her.
The sight of the well-arranged food on the table filled her with guilt for having doubted his character. It made her feel sick, but she forced herself to stop thinking about it.
Dazai's betrayed look was the last thing Yosano saw before she left.
———
Akiko felt like she was going straight to her execution.
She picked up the dog and made sure to buy a pen to keep him comfortable - and, in particular, away from Dazai.
That dog, Hiro, was still a puppy. He was playful and didn't seem to bark much, or so Yosano believed.
As she entered the house, she felt the weight of a pair of eyes staring at her. She took the dog's cage, left it on the floor, and started assembling the fence in the corner.
When Dazai left without saying anything, Yosano sighed. It wasn't as bad as the doctor thought. It could have been a lot worse, but could anyone really blame her for hoping that her partner would come closer?
The truth was that: Yosano felt extremely guilty.
Dazai did not often express his discomfort. In fact, he never did.
There were only a few rules he set. The first, and more understandable, was not to ask questions about his time in the Mafia or his family. If he wanted to tell something, he would do it himself.
The second was not to make very loud noises for a long time. This was not something he imposed, but Yosano could see the discomfort in his face every time he was subjected to it.
The last rule was no dogs in the house. He had made that very clear even before they started dating.
The doctor looked at her work. The fence seemed to be strong and large enough to keep the dog from running away and to allow him to play.
She got up and put the puppy in the pen and played with him for a little while. The only word that could be used to describe him was 'cute'.
Finally, she spread out the toys for him to have fun with.
Yosano looked at the door to the room. As she had expected, it was still locked.
She knew that it would do more harm than good to force an interaction if Dazai did not want it. Instead, she started to cook something to eat.
For a long time, the only sound that could be heard was the splashing of hot water and the occasional squeak of a toy being bitten. That changed as she cut the vegetables and put the crab in the pan. The sound of light footsteps became present. As she looked over her shoulder, she saw Dazai, wrapped in a fluffy blanket, staring at the DOG, who was running towards him, tripping over his own paws in the process.
Yosano stifled a laugh at the sight of Dazai's confused face. He knelt by the fence and turned his head in interest.
"He's small." His voice took over the once-silent room.
"He's a puppy, he'll get bigger." She said with a shrug, secretly happy to finally be interacting with the detective.
"Wow Akiko. I had no idea that puppies grew, that's new information for me." He joked and let out a funny whistle.
Yosano just rolled his eyes and went back to cooking.
"You are so cruel." She heard a wailing voice behind her. "First bringing home a fleabane, then forcing me to leave with a delicious meal." He came closer to her and put both of his hands on her hips.
Laughing at her partner's drama, Yosano relaxed at the contact. She rested her weight on Dazai with a sigh of satisfaction.
"You poor little baby." She joked, feeling the brunette's long arms curl around her waist. "Don't worry, dinner's for the flea."
"Akiko!" He let out an indignant squeal that made her laugh. "Do you hate me?" He asked, putting his head around her neck, a position that should be uncomfortable for his spine, but he seemed happy, so she let him have it.
"Don't worry." She said in between bursts of laughter. "You're the flea." She turned to face him and wrapped her arms around the tall one's neck.
"You really hate me." He whimpered again, making a little pout that Yosano quickly kissed. "For your information, I took a shower!"
She laughed again and came even closer, pressing their bodies together. She inhaled and pretended to check if it was true.
"Good to know." She kissed his neck and continued to kiss until she found his chin. "Why don't you go and set the table? I'm almost finished." She asked, planting a final kiss on his lips.
As Yosano stepped back to look at his face, she saw the lipstick marks left behind and had to stifle a laugh. Her eyes went up to meet Dazai's and she let out a long laugh.
Dazai's eyes looked at her as if she was the only thing in the whole world. They sparkled with joy and also little bit of confusion about the speed of the events was there as well, although he tried to hide it.
Yosano considered whether or not to tell him about the lipstick marks, but decided that it would serve as punishment for not helping her put up the fence. She turned back to cooking with a provocative laugh.
She felt Dazai's arms leave her waist and his body move away. She heard the clinking of plates and glasses and the sound they made when placed on the table.
She was relieved to see that the bad mood had passed, and even though she did not know for how long, she was sure to enjoy it for as long as she could.
———
Dinner went well, Yosano could sense Dazai's discomfort at seeing the dog staring at him, so she did everything she could to distract him. After a couple of hours of eating and talking, they were ready to go to sleep.
She had a quick shower. She put on a big shirt that came down to her thighs, leaving one shoulder exposed. In theory, the shirt was not bought to be that big, in fact, it was not even her shirt, it was Dazai's. But the doctor knew how much he liked to see her in his clothes and to be honest, his clothes were very comfortable.
She brushed her teeth and came out of the bathroom to see that Dazai was already lying on the bed, waiting for her to join him.
Yosano pulled the covers over her and nestled into her friend's side, resting her head on his chest. Dazai slipped one hand underneath her, holding her shoulder, while the other tucked a few loose strands of hair behind her ear.
"I recognize this shirt." He whispered in her hair.
"I don't know what you're talking about." She lied, coming closer.
"Oh, is that it?" He asked in amusement, and she mumbled a tired 'uhum'.
They were silent for a while, and when Yosano finally thought that Dazai had fallen asleep, he changed position and cuddled up to her in the same way that she had cuddled up to him earlier.
He hid his face in her chest and she stroked the brown strands on her neck, smiling amusedly. Dazai was very similar to a cat, maybe that's why he hated dogs.
"I'll be out this week." He murmured, making the sound come out muffled. "Me and Tanizaki have a mission."
"Mission?" She asked loudly, confused and insulted. "With Tanizaki? You usually only go out with Kunikida."
"I asked to go. I don't want to stay here with that dog, but I also don't want to argue with you about it. I thought I'd better leave this week." He explained. There was something in his voice that the doctor could not quite define.
"All right, but please be careful. I am going to ask Junichiro every day if you have eaten well, and then if you are ignoring your bedtime." She threatened and pulled him closer to her.
"I'd never dream of ignoring it." He tried to play but was dejected. "I don't want you to feel guilty, 'Sano. But I really can't stay here, even if it's still small.
Yosano stroked his hair again and again. She obviously understood, but that didn't make her feel any better.
"Sorry, I agreed to take care of him. I... I thought keeping him away from you would work..." She apologized and left a kiss on the top of his head.
Dazai did not answer, he just looked up and stared at her eyes. He had a small smile on his face. And although it was not one of the big, toothy, bright smiles he usually wore, this one had more meaning.
It was genuine.
There was pure admiration for her in his eyes, as if he could not physically stay angry with her.
"I know, don't worry about it. I don't want you to stop your life because of me." He stood up a little and sealed their lips in a tender kiss. It quickly deepened as Yosano moved closer to the back of his head.
Their lips danced in harmony, creating music only their ears could hear. This kiss was one of pain and loss, but also of love and reconciliation. Two souls were so different, yet so similar.
After a while, they had to pull away to catch their breath, both panting and with swollen mouths.
Dazai smiled again, this time more playful.
"You should sleep, Akiko." He whispered on her lips and moved forward, taking her lips between his teeth before he moved back to his original position between her chest. "If you don't get your beauty sleep, how will you manage to compete?" He asked amusingly. The doctor just rolled her eyes.
"Good night 'Zai." She laughed, curled up in the blankets, and closed her eyes.
———
Despite her best efforts, Yosano could not sleep.
A question had been nagging at her since the day before. She knew it was wrong to ask, but her curiosity took over.
'Just once,' she thought. 'I'll only ask once.'
"Love? Are you asleep?" She whispered softly. She knew that Dazai took longer to fall asleep and was probably just pretending, so she continued without an answer. "Why do you dislike dogs?"
Seeing that she was met with silence, Yosano tried to sleep again. She would not press him if he did not want to answer.
"The mafia used to have dogs." She could hear it just as she was about to fall asleep. Dazai's voice broke the silence in a whisper so low she had to concentrate to hear it. "I don't like the way the skin tears when they bite."
Feeling much more awake than a second ago, Yosano's heart froze in her chest.
Of course, that had something to do with it.
She had to concentrate in order to keep her anger in control, who would have the courage to do that?
Even though Dazai was a grown man now. When he was in the Mafia, he was still a child. Who would be so heinous as to hurt a child?
She obviously knew the answer. The Mafia didn't care how old you were, as long as you were useful, but she still couldn't help but pity the man before her and the child he could never be.
It was a strange feeling, this deep desire to protect Dazai. She remembers what she used to think when she saw him for the first time. She looked at that odd and dislocated boy and saw nothing but death, a concept so strange that it attracted and repelled Yosano at the same time.
But she could see Dazai slowly open, still afraid of light. And when she looked into his eyes one more time, she realized that the feeling she had for him was neither one of repulsion nor one of hatred.
It was like looking in a mirror, a reflection of her younger self. How could she possibly hate him when they were both made of the same stuff?
Feeling Dazai's visceral pain? To know that if she were to hate him, she would also be hating the child that she used to be.
From there, she opened up to him even more. Even though she knew that the man in front of her was wearing a thousand and one masks, she hoped to catch a glimpse of the true Dazai.
And oh, he was such a beautiful human being, even if he himself would never believe.
Yosano took a deep breath and pulled him closer. Dazai’s wounds were much deeper than the ones in his skin, but that didn't mean he couldn't recover.
He would be fine. After all, he was hers to love and protect.