Chapter Text
It was 3 am, Sae Itoshi was lying on his bed in his apartment, his eyes scanning over a letter he had just received from his mother, inviting him to a family gathering.
The Itoshi family was huge and numerous, with at least over 16 uncles, 18 aunts, and over 30 cousins; it was all a headache to Sae; he gave up trying to remember all their names and faces.
The family usually held this gathering annually, and ever since Sae moved to Spain, he gave up on attending as well, either too busy or too tired to deal with all the loud music and noise. It was just better if they didn't see him, he didn't like prying people, and his family was full of them.
And yet here he was, reading the letter again and weighing his choices; what was the worst that could happen anyway?
Sae was tired of Spain, was mostly tired of his team, he loved the country's views and it's people. But he hated his team; they did not care for each other; he realized that after he played against Blue Lock in the U-20 team.
The unique thing about the Blue Lock players was that they all prioritised themselves over each other, which was good and made sense, but at the same time, they cared about bringing the best out of their enemies, just so they can fight against even stronger enemies and improve themselves.
They didn't discriminate against each other either; you could always use your weirdness in football, and no one would bat an eye.
Sae noticed in the NEL games how no one made fun of Nikos's hair or even Barou's, no one said anything about Lorenzo's teeth, Oliver's eyes, Bachira's monster, Kurona's weird speech habits or Reo and Nagi's homoerotic comments towards one another, no one bats an eye to Ness or Reo crying on the field or Kaiser's and Rin's screams, even Shidou faced no criticism, despite how his whole image is going against what the standard is.
They weren't judgemental at all; they saw weirdness as a good thing, their weirdness was their ego, after all.
His team did not think like that; his team never talked outside of matches, and training together was an actual hell. Sae hated them all, he hated how they all used to bully a way too young Sae when he first arrived in Madrid, barely knowing any English and not a word of Spanish, they used to throw his food, make him trip when running, used to comment foul things about his body, and worst of all they told him that his family hated him, in the end, who would send a 13 year old to another country just like that?
Sae learned that if he didn't react, they'd leave him alone. He learned that only by being a good player would he be accepted, so he put in the work.
He studied both Spanish and English and trained every day to become the number one best striker.
In the end, it was all for nothing.
Sae lost, Sae hated losing.
He failed in front of Leonardo Luna, Re Al's striker, and his life became his worst nightmare at the ripe age of 15.
...
Sae got up and splashed freezing water across his face, unwanted memories resurfacing again. Suddenly, an urge occurred; he needed to get out of Spain. Now.
Sae walked around his room, breathing unsteady and fast, his eyes unfocused and filled with tears from not blinking enough, the memories wouldn't fucking stop, and everytime he'd close his eyes he'd see *him*.
Attention seeker
Attention seeker
Attention seeker
He opened a cabin, his hand naturally clutching around a bottle of pills, he quickly popped one in his mouth; he couldn't breathe, he felt like vomiting, his head was spinning and he was dizzy. He felt like how he used to feel, and that's what scared him the most.
Was he relapsing?
No, No, No, No
He reminded himself that he was a well-respected player now; no one could hurt him again, especially not now. He can't let himself make stupid decisions. He can't.
He had to breathe. All he wanted to do was cry but he didn't feel safe enough to do so, he never felt safe after that one time when Luna found him crying because of how overwhelmed he was, Luna had smiled at him and then told a 15-year-old Sae to follow him, and then he-
Sae grabbed his hair *hard*, more memories rushing in, he felt Luna's eyes on him, felt his hands...they never fucking left.
He closed his eyes hard, pulling and pulling at his hair in hopes the pain would blind out the memories.
Sae covered his face and sat down, the pill was not fucking working. He reminded himself that he had to wait for it to work, his body had to absorb it.
Sae tried to calm himself down by asking himself what he saw, what he felt, what he heard, and so on.
He was just so alone, nobody was there to console him.
So lonely.
Sae wanted to disappear.
No one cared about him anyway.
A few moments later, the numbness kicked in, the pill was working.
He looked around for a few moments to remind himself that he was alone.
...
You're going back to what you used to be
Continue pushing people away you fucking freak
You're a disgrace, how could you ever let yourself be used like that
You destroyed Rin's life, he hates you now.
You're so fat.
Stupid
Whore
Whale
Sae blocked those thoughts out; it was pathetic, he told himself; he sat on the floor; he couldn't believe what was happening; a panic attack? He really was moving backward, he hadn't had one in so long, he was doing so good.
Well, Whatever.
Maybe going to Japan to see his family wouldn't be so bad.
What's the worst that could happen anyway?
Sae moved to open his computer and book the flights; he'll tell his team about the arrangements tomorrow.
He then decided to go to sleep, sleep always came easy to him after a relapse...but he wouldn't admin it.